Therapy Thursday: Should I Tell My Mom That I Slept With Her Bestie?
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00:00which therapist you need therapy thursday now on wild 94.1 i understand therapy
00:04therapy thursday is popping right now the number is wide open whether you're texting or calling
00:11you'll get one of these doctors in here that is committed to your mental health no that's not
00:16good yeah i'm trying to put that on a brochure for us you know just for the uh for the whole
00:21establishment here so we got dr davi on deck we got meredith md here we got orlando bgyn we
00:27actually got jay on the phone who has a question for us and he says he needs all docs on this jay
00:33what you got for us yay what's going on freak hey what's up man um i've been married a little over
00:41a year now um congratulations congratulations oh appreciate it appreciate it so um some of the
00:49issues that we were having before the marriage started to arise um in our marriage and in the
00:57process of all that you know i'm gonna be honest i went out there and cheated um so you know she
01:04found out about it about a month ago and for the past month we've really been at at war so to speak
01:11you know i've admitted everything i i manned up and you know i didn't lie i didn't try to sugarcoat
01:17anything i just let things you know be how they were you know told us straight out how it went
01:21but now we're just at a crossroads where i'm trying to and i want to work on my marriage
01:29but because she sees nothing but rage and anger you know she may not be on she's not on that same
01:36level so i'm kind of at a pivotal moment like do i you know just give her what she wants in this
01:43moment and really just you know going about my business and hopefully we can come back together
01:50or should i continue to stay strong in the paint and work on my marriage i have two questions for
01:54him real quick if i may before you guys answer uh jay a how long ago was it that all of this uh came
02:01to light and b who was the other woman was it somebody random or was it somebody kind of in your circle
02:07uh the for the first question um let me kind of we've been together five total years and i did
02:16this incident didn't happen until this past july so you know um and she found out about it
02:24a last month so you've been for the past 30 days you know and then the the girl that i cheated with
02:33with someone that i've known for a long time since she was in the circle yeah no and jay you
02:40can stop right now this is why jay i will tell you there's a text that just came in and said whoa
02:44hang up on him right now they i mean so that's why they're not professionals we're not gonna hang
02:49up on you jay we're gonna give you some help but you might not like it so you got to really
02:53realize that this is gonna be a hard conversation to have real quick okay right meredith meredith you
02:58jump on it first what would you like to tell okay you can't tell her how to get over it even though
03:02you want it to be over quicker have her heal and just be like oh it was a mistake boop and then
03:06just keep it moving like this is a big problem this is huge you guys just got married and you
03:12just cheated and she just found out so i mean you have to dig a little bit deeper here i mean there's
03:17a reason why you cheated um and also i mean you got to figure out first of all why you did it and then
03:24also how you can make the situation better is it by giving her all the passwords and you guys
03:29communicating more what you can do not that you have to i'm just saying a lot of women would want
03:34that because she's gonna feel like you going out with your boys or going on trips you're always
03:39gonna cheat all right dobby what you got um man this is gonna be hard at the end of the day if you're
03:46gonna want to be with her and save your marriage it's all gonna be on her time it has to be on her
03:52terms you can't tell her how to feel how to heal anything like that she she's on the clock and
03:57you're just waiting for her to get over it if she ever can um i would just give you one bit of
04:02advice stop patting yourself on the back when you told the story and everybody was listening and
04:07writing all those texts like man hang up on him what you said and i don't know if you remember it
04:11but what you said was man i i owned up for it you know i stood up on my own too and like like you
04:16patting yourself on the back for how you told after you got caught and and realistically that's not
04:22what you need to be bigging up because she's looking at you like you don't even seem like you
04:26sorry you like you holding it up like yo i did it as a man i admitted it it's like nah nah as a man
04:32you don't go out there and cheat with that heifer that i knew you had some feelings for because that's
04:38what she's thinking in her mind that don't have to be true that it wasn't in the sense of and i and
04:43i feel what you're saying it wasn't in the sense of pat myself on the back but it sounds that way
04:47it comes off right so we ain't gonna even worry about see here's what me and jay stop stop stop
04:52because here's what men do we tend to just say how we meant it but not pay attention to how it
04:59could be received and how that could be received and that's exactly how she's receiving it like he's
05:04not culpable or holding any responsibility for this and now you're like so what do i do because i
05:11do i stay the course or whatever man you're a year into giving this woman a ring and making her
05:16your partner and you failed at that you have to admit that failure and then you have to reach out
05:23for her sympathy and you have to win her back with trust and all of the things that meredith pointed
05:28out and everything else you have to now if you want this you have to now work for it this is gonna
05:34be harder than getting her to marry you the first time but it's worth it if you really love her and
05:39that's the long shot because this other chick that you hooked up with that you never really
05:44you went that route with before you know is that worth it you're gonna have to weigh the
05:49consequences and move accordingly you understand what i'm saying it ain't about what you meant it
05:55ain't it ain't never about what you meant it's about what she's feeling on the other side because
05:58she's the victim here ask her what you can do to treat her like the victim ask her what you can do
06:03to fix it to fix the relationship and bow down and be like i'll do anything if you want to be in a
06:08committed relationship because if she cheated on you and you wouldn't stay then you guys aren't really in a
06:13you know committed monogamous trying to work it out relationship you know if you would dip because
06:18of that then maybe you guys shouldn't be together i just don't hang your head but just go in there
06:22and just be like listen i don't i i gave you all that i could and i failed and so i want to know is
06:29are we going to continue this because we can do therapy we can do all these other things but i just
06:33got to know if you still in and then you got to go with the answer all right all right bro let us know
06:40what happens yeah for real let us know if you're out there on the single train we got a text out
06:45the 813 it says last week i went to my mom's surprise party her best friend saw me and told
06:50me how handsome i looked when the party was coming to an end uh and my best at my mom's uh my her
06:55best friend asked for a ride i said yes and while we were riding home she kept giving me compliments
07:00okay we got to her house i walked her to the door and she gave me a kiss and you know what happened
07:05next no what happened oh no never mind is this a porn yeah it sounds like uh she wants to continue
07:12what we have should i continue or tell my mom what happened oh yes she is fine by the way i'm 22 and
07:19she's 42. oh orlando go ahead you've seen this movie many times i know you've seen this scenario go
07:29down oh well i don't get the christian crush questions i get the porny questions um listen uh
07:34congratulations uh you know i and and you kind of knew what it was when she asked for the ride you
07:40knew what it was she would compliment you and the whole ride there and all of a sudden she had a
07:45scrunchie putting her hair up like you know what it is i would not tell your mom do not share that with
07:50your mother your mother doesn't want to see her best friend you wouldn't want to make the difference
07:54in their relationship you your mother has a best friend that trusted you as an adult you might only
08:00be 22 but you're an adult participant in this act and that's the first thing you don't do is go tell
08:05your mama that you have done something adult with another adult no matter who she is it could be her
08:11boss her her priest not priest her nun it could be whoever just you can't be like you know telling
08:19too much so yeah don't tell your mom let your mom's friendship live and just hope no don't hope
08:26do everything you can to not mess it up he's gonna do it again if you mess it up you're gonna mess up
08:31your mom's friendship and she's not gonna know why so you can't treat this like just some random jump
08:36off you got to make sure you treat it carefully because of her status as your mom's best friend so
08:42that's what i would say but definitely move forward young man learn a lot this is like a college
08:48course in the hump hump i feel like davi would keep hitting it yeah that's what you're supposed
08:54to do you're supposed to yeah you're gonna learn a lot from this 42 year old woman your game is
08:58gonna be so tight so that next 22 24 you can have sex with anybody why does it have to be her because
09:03she's fine yeah but one thing he said though he said should uh we continue what we have you don't
09:10really have much you but you have 22 right and that's why we gotta talk to him you have a physical
09:15attraction and there's also the the taboo nature of it makes it more exciting but like you said
09:22tread lightly yeah plus you're going one-on-one with jordan right now so pick up some crossover
09:26skills pick over a little dunk start stick your tongue out when you're doing it like you know
09:31what i'm saying just play it up pippin you got this more calls coming up all right we got your calls
09:36coming in i gotta tell you a lot of people are chiming in on the advice yolo you only live once young
09:41man free game sir so yeah that 42 year old lady is like sparring with tyson yeah you're gonna learn
09:49some punches i love it you're gonna learn today all right what we got uh we got a text out you know
09:54i'm not even gonna say the area code how about we'll just skip that for this one it says good
09:58morning freak show this is for the room i have been sleeping with this guy for quite some time
10:03the problem is we are both married god we both have an understanding but i find myself catching
10:08feelings it sucks because i know it's wrong and i don't want to ruin my marriage but yet i still
10:13find myself wanting this person please help me i don't know what to do the only reason i haven't
10:17cut it off is because i haven't gotten caught yet at the end of the day i do love my husband but i'm
10:23just lost you want to get caught it sounds like grass is not always greener my friend most of the time
10:28it is not it sounds like you're putting him up on a pedestal you only get to see a sliver of this
10:33person for who they are for that hour or however long you don't you're not with them 24 7 and guess
10:39what when you're with somebody and married with somebody 24 7 they can be annoying after a while
10:44but guess what you are in a committed supposed to be loving relationship i don't know if you have kids
10:48or not but let's stick with this one before we move on to the next one it sounds like you're you're
10:54prepared to blow up your marriage and if you do get caught cheating then you feel like you can just leave
10:59but how do you know that he would leave his wife for you most of the time the guys don't they always
11:04go back she might not necessarily want that she might just want to keep the physical part of it
11:10alive the more and more of these we do every thursday the more i think that monogamy is like
11:15an unrealistic expectation are you excited about being engaged it's unrealistic for a lot of people
11:21out there because they're living in a very different world with social media social media
11:25i think of who was it i was thinking it was boozy and i never i hate quoting boozy but it was
11:31really brilliant though he's like social media he's like you used to it used to be a man going to work
11:36working hard for his family coming home providing for his family and his girl was waiting to see him
11:41walking the door she didn't see a whole bunch of other dudes you know to compare him to that was her
11:47man who was coming home same thing with a woman coming home from work that was his woman but now with
11:52social media you got 30 000 people parading in front of you on the page and that you comparing
11:58what you got to what you could have and it just makes it a different kind of thing so we have to
12:03only let the people get married who are able to stay focused on their partner and not be tempted by
12:09all of the buffet that is out there on social media yeah that's why we're having so many cheating
12:14situations right now so there's a lot there's a lot of them yeah you see them they're writing them
12:19now everybody's cheating right now yeah and yeah you know what catching feelings you stop it
12:24stop it you know you don't deserve to catch feelings you caught feelings with the person you're married
12:27and now you're out here cheating so you don't get to have feelings if you're going to keep it
12:30physical you can't help it though you can't you can't not be cheating and then catch feelings after
12:35that no no there's not Orlando says you're not allowed it's not allowed it's not allowed out of the
12:40seven to seven so me and my baby daddy have been on and off for the past six years and we've been
12:46friends for 10 we connect on every single level the only thing is that he cannot get his priorities
12:52together we are currently not together so should i just leave it alone or should we keep retrying this
12:59over again we feel like we are soulmates but i can't seem to get past his priority issues meaning
13:04what he spends his time on and money on i mean he has his priorities how he wants them you're just not
13:11one of them i mean let let's keep it real it's been such a long time if he saw you as that top
13:19priority he would act accordingly he's had plenty of time to think about it but you sticking around
13:25makes it a lot easier for him because like now i don't you don't have to be my top priority to try
13:29you're there when i need you i know you're kind of smitten over me that's obvious from from the text
13:35something has to change or nothing is going to change ever we got a question here uh and it
13:40doesn't say either one of us but davi i'm gonna let you answer first because there's a the word
13:45deported in here okay uh it's and i'm not saying you would ever because he knows stuff like he has
13:52experiences in this world i'm getting a divorce after seven years of marriage i'm afraid my husband
13:57might get deported and we have two small children i'm not sure what to do the marriage is broken i would
14:06i would say contemplate just a separation because if him getting deported is on the table i think you
14:14want to avoid that at all costs especially because now you're going to have two little kids that don't
14:19know where daddy is they're not going to be able to see daddy it's such a life-changing thing i know a
14:24handful of people that have gone through that family members and that's why i gave it it changes
14:30every fabric of your being you go back to a country sometimes people have been here 10 20 30 years you
14:37go back to a country that you can get deported after 30 years if you're illegal if you're illegally
14:41here right here if you're illegally here absolutely and you can get deported to a country that on paper
14:47is your you know which you ain't seen it in 30 you don't you don't know it you don't know people
14:52you probably don't even know your way around so i would say at all costs try to prevent that if nothing
14:57else separate y'all go y'all separate ways but keep that man from you know having to go so stay
15:04in his life as a married person but not his partner you could don't be in his life very sparingly you
15:11know you could have paper y'all still together a co-parenting thing but but on paper so she can
15:16never get married again you also kind of signed up for this when when you got with somebody that's
15:23that's part of it that's you you gotta you gotta weigh all those things out all right and y'all
15:28wonder why i gave it to them yeah i wasn't gonna give him that one all right let's see here uh we
15:33have one more why can't men do right i caught my boyfriend out of pocket cheating for the second time
15:40how do i get him to see what he's doing to me and what he is doing to us he knows what he's doing
15:46and you probably have uh talked about it a million times he doesn't care he's going to keep doing what
15:50he wants and you're allowing that to happen at this point so either you are going to be in a
15:55relationship with somebody that's going to continuously cheat here and there and you're
15:59going to find out about it or you can go live your own life be mature make the hard decision
16:05you know separate and go find somebody else that's going to hold you up and not treat you that
16:10disrespectful uh it's not going to change yeah you let him slide one time and then you caught him
16:17again and you're still trying to figure out what how do i let him see he sees it he just he don't
16:22care he overlooks it and you know the the benefit to him is more than the cost of your emotional
16:29well-being how can you teach him what he's doing to you leave yes that's the only answer that that
16:36lesson comes with you walking out the door because then he's like damn i messed up a good thing and
16:40that's when guys get really really wise after you walk out that door all right but if you've
16:45forgiven him and then he does it again that's almost like into a dog that's peeing in the
16:50corner of the house and you like allowing that to happen you can't get him to stop peeing in that
16:54spot that's his spot now yeah he belongs to him just leave so let him go and be with whoever he wants
17:01to be with and you continue working on your happiness and that message will be sent i don't
17:06think he's that lesson is gonna keep him in your in your life though yeah all right because if he's
17:10cheated twice hell he's gonna do it again you've taught him that it's okay all right uh that's
17:15therapy thursday