Therapy Thursday: Sleeping With Your Boss And He Gets Too Clingy
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00:00which therapist you need therapy thursday now on wild 94.1 i understand therapy
00:04therapy thursday is here 888-429-0941 is the gateway to get guidance from meredith md say
00:13hi hello we have a doctor in the building dr davi and we have the obgyn who just apparently learned
00:21that washes are bad so i'm not a great one but i am learning so we got any kind of advice that we
00:29can offer for you 888-429-0941 we just had a caller that was anonymous and got cold feet oh no and
00:35jumped off no really yeah he just hung up so 888-429-0941 uh if you want to be heard we also
00:42got jay ray live coming up for you top of the hour nine o'clock and we'll be doing that live on
00:45facebook all right what we got we have one that came in about 30 minutes ago so i saved it all right
00:51it says uh my wife has saved up seven thousand dollars for a cosmetic surgery procedure that
00:58she wants it's taken her over two years to save the money well last month we realized that we have
01:04excuse me we have to repair or possibly even replace our roof we've had two estimates and we
01:11should be getting the third one by the end of the day tomorrow it's going to be in the thousands and
01:16i've asked her to dip into her surgery fund to help pay and she refuses to this has caused the biggest
01:21fight in our house because it's something she wants versus something we need well we literally need a
01:28roof over your head right yeah the need should supersede the want and you know um and and kind
01:35of probably going to set the tone for if you allow this selfish nature to you know win that's probably
01:41going to be a telltale on what's to come like because mama wants it so mama gets it and we got
01:46a drip over our head that's not wise um so maybe you can make a compromise like that and say hey listen
01:52we both want both of these things let's just put them in the time and think make a plan that both
01:56y'all can contribute to maybe that'll help you know i mean like instead of dictating hey we using
02:01this for the roof first help her come to the table and make a decision on when these things happen both
02:07will happen let's just tear them a little different so we don't drown right and then we can get you you
02:13know put your whole bust it down you want to do well i say delay the surgery for another year and do
02:18the roof as soon as possible well of course you're supposed to delay it but she got to feel like it's not
02:22being told to her that's that's always a good way like a little bit of a relationship yes all right
02:26uh dr davi you got a question what you got for me well it says dr davi i need advice i just got
02:32my first apartment all on my own congratulations after graduating last year uh i now have my own
02:39place it's through a family friend so it's not like i went and got it myself but it's mine my girl
02:45has been over every day i love being with her but it's my first place i'm trying to set some sort of
02:52boundaries because being 20 years old and the first place you don't necessarily want to live with your
02:58girl immediately i love being with her every day but i'm feeling like three nights a week should be
03:03enough for sleepovers how can i set that tone is that fair yeah yes it's absolutely fair you don't have
03:11to be have one of those relationships where it's like they're always over don't make yourself so
03:16available you know she shouldn't a just be popping up look if if that if that's the case that yeah you
03:23have to you have to put your foot down and be like hey your girlfriend can't just pop up well not in
03:28this case this is that's the whole reason he hit us up he doesn't he doesn't want her to just randomly
03:34pop up because he's talking about sleeping over like she's not gonna pop up and leave
03:38she's popping up to stay the night i i feel like that's the case it's hard to roll that back for
03:45sure yeah so i i think you should kind of express that and kind of make a practice of it and of her
03:52going home of of letting her know that i blame it on work you're gonna get dumped that's all i'm
03:57saying you got you gotta you gotta proceed gently but you absolutely have the right to have your place
04:04and not our you have to be tactful about how you handle this situation because this could really
04:08affect your relationship and really hurt her feelings because she's automatically gonna
04:11blame the relationship and you don't want to spend time with me or you're acting brand new
04:15because you got a place now what is it another chick what are you hiding all that comes i could
04:19definitely see myself saying something like that so if you're just open and honest and say hey i don't
04:24want to not be with you it's just every now and then you know i just i just got my first place
04:29i think most people would understand that yeah he said on the last line it says we could see each other
04:34every day but we can only sleep over three nights out of the week is that fair yeah it is absolutely
04:39man man tell you i don't you i'm seeing you too much oh be ready to lose that that's not good
04:46might not go well all right 808-429-0941 therapy thursday is on if you got a question for anybody in the
04:52room we got you and we got text action so we got doctors all over the bay let's go there we got a few
04:58questions here ralph is on the phone ralph how you doing this morning hey what's up oh you got
05:03a son issue going on what's what's that he's my stepson uh-huh and and you know i got two kids
05:10from my prior from my previous marriage and so my stepson's been out the country for about five years
05:16and he hasn't got a job since he's been gone and he tells his mom well his mom's telling me it's a
05:22language barrier because he's in he's in finland and his wife is supporting him and it pisses me off
05:31i mean i don't know if i should say that but it makes me mad every time she brags about what he's
05:35doing both of my other two kids one uh he's about to be a principal and the other one she she works
05:41from home and she's a wonderful mom but should i be mad because she keeps supporting him you know
05:47like sending him money him in that oh and he's married he he's married also so he's he's so mom
05:54is pretty much funding his life over there because he can't find any work or or at least that's the
06:00story yeah that's what he's saying but like i said he's been over there for five or six years how old
06:05is he uh 34 i mean he should get off his butt and go get a job yes you can be disappointed in your
06:14and your children you know and and help bring them to a better space i mean you got to stop
06:20cutting checks though at some point at what age are you gonna stop supporting like financially
06:24your children they have to land on their own feet if i'm gonna give you any advice um and this is just
06:29i mean i've never been in that situation but i will say people are very territorial about their kids so
06:35if you are talking about her child that's not gonna be received well you know and if you're comparing
06:40it to your kids who are doing great that's not gonna be received well you know i'm saying so
06:45you this woman you love you didn't call her baby ugly and said your baby can't compare to my babies
06:50that probably can get you on the couch okay so it just gets me because she tells everybody you know
06:55he's doing really good because she's a proud mama probably how many proud mamas have overlooked
06:59of killers ted bundy's mama ted bundy's mama was proud ralph ted bundy's mama was proud okay so
07:07let's let mama let let mama mama's live okay all right i love y'all all right ralph that's tough
07:15let her live though like let her let her brag up her baby that's what i was gonna let let him say
07:20yeah like you know don't compare let her live but do talk to her about like putting that money out if
07:27it's the household money you can't you can't you can't afford to take care of a 30 year old person
07:32that's married you know like their life life too you can't do all that you end up losing she she's
07:37probably more comfortable in that fantasy world hoping that her son's gonna get there one day
07:40or just faithful blind faith some mamas out there got blind faith in the kids we have a no name on
07:45the line right now out of tampa and you said you got a relationship issue for the whole room what's
07:50going on um so relationship is an interesting word to put on it but that's what it is um a couple
08:00months ago i started uh getting it on with my boss and um i'm i'm needing some advice on how to proceed
08:14uh i think he's getting a little bit more serious about it than i really want to be
08:21um yeah uh we've mostly been like so he's like going through a divorce and um
08:34yeah so we've mostly been like going to hotels and stuff but he started asking to come over to
08:43my apartment and he's also using like the l word oh man oh my god he's using what and so
08:52it's been like a really fun thing for me and i don't really want to like necessarily like stop
09:01seeing him because it's great but i don't know what to do okay all right uh okay so are you are you
09:11believing the whole divorce thing or does that sound like that's oh no it's like that's definitely
09:17happening okay that's in motion i know that for yeah but you're not looking to have it to be an
09:23official relationship you just are into the fun part i am into the fun part um he also he did call me
09:31he did say that he called me yeah he's he's using lots of uh like romantic language and i i'm i'm a
09:40romantic so like i like that but at the same time i'm worried that it's starting like asking to
09:46come over to my apartment versus like the whole you know fun hotel thing like it's just i don't know
09:53i don't know if uh i want to keep doing it but it seems like he's getting all serious is this a career
10:00for you or is this just a job
10:01it is it is a career okay yeah that that that matters that does matter okay so yeah because if it
10:11was just a job and you know you lost it it wouldn't be your end of your career but this
10:15is a career move for you so you got to tread lightly so you don't want to blow up the job
10:20but you also are enjoying this there are a couple reasons why he could be going to the house and that's
10:26just because i've read a lot about people who have trysts and stuff like this if it's fun at
10:31the beginning and it's hotel at the beginning it starts to become expensive right you know and so
10:35then it might be a transition there so if expense is out the window then it's really about their
10:41emotion but you got to check first on that because that might just be an expense thing secondly
10:45i will say you have probably the the you're in the catbird seat you control it you he loves what
10:52he's getting here and probably doesn't want to lose it so you can lay down a few ground rules if
10:56you want to like hey you know i love what we're doing here but i also don't want to put you into
11:02a situation where you're coming from a marriage into something official let's keep it fun because
11:07that's where we we have our comfort like you know i'm saying you can you can be a coach here you can
11:13coach him through it if you if you if you want to because i think he i think he wants the scooby
11:17snacks to continue yeah i just don't want it to hurt her job and her career which i think she's
11:24also concerned about that's why i'm like i don't know how to like go about saying it because it's
11:29been made clear that like he's like really kind of getting romantic but i don't want to like push
11:36him away and then like i don't know have something happen at work i don't know how often are you seeing
11:44him these little hotel trips and things like that um so they've been like once every couple weeks um
11:55but we also like uh i like maybe once a week once every two weeks yeah and and which is cool but um
12:05i also think he wants to do he wants to see me like more often too yeah orlando is she protected
12:14because it's her boss and so if he kind of demotes her or anything i mean he could get fired right
12:19yeah okay i mean but it could go down and it could be somebody could overhear something one day and you
12:27could both be out of a job so it it's not like you're clear on this so i you know and i know you
12:32don't want to lose that but i would talk to him about it and say listen i'm very comfortable with what
12:36we're doing but i like the pace of it because i don't want to become a the thing that's dependent
12:41on you at work to make you you know i'm saying i don't want to cross paths i think us at work is
12:47one thing let's keep that separate so you are protected and i'm protected and then let's come
12:51up with a little bit of balance at home so we don't make this weird uh you know so we can keep this keep
12:57it just keep it in perspective keep his expectations handled so he won't fall over the l word and use that
13:04so much okay yeah all right you sound like you into it so be happy but try to keep him at bed be
13:11careful okay okay all right girl that's the last one that's okay did you feel okay
13:18i mean i i don't know what what what do you do like she's she's a an adult you already made the
13:26he's getting divorced you're enjoying it you don't want it to change lay out some ground rules yes i think
13:33that that's smart and then also it's fun when it's the hotel there's a fantasy there it's fun but
13:38now it's becoming like a real relationship and it's happening fast because he's going through a
13:42divorce and like that's real stuff who knows if he has kids or anything that's old muscle memory
13:47though somebody who's been married for a while they don't know how to just date yes they go all in
13:51and it's like yo that's why you gotta guide him and say hey i'm your young friend and let me tell
13:57you how the dating world goes now like you don't have to love you're scaring me yeah you're yeah you're
14:01being a little too much take a step back yeah help him out that's all i mean people who have
14:05been married a long time got to get up on some game and he got him a little coach so be his coach