Therapy Thursday: She Cheated On Him After Only 4 Months. Is It Better To Find Out Now Or After A few Years?
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00:00Therapy Thursday is here where we talk it out, work it out.
00:03A lot of people out there are really about getting their conversation on when it comes to being in therapy.
00:09We talked about it.
00:09It's a new thing where people aren't afraid to talk, and they should be, you know, open for some conversation.
00:16So, 888-429-0941 is our number.
00:19Dr. Davi is here.
00:22Meredith MD is in the building.
00:24Yes.
00:24And I am Orlando BGYN, just in case it go that route.
00:27All right, so we actually got Kayla, who's on the line, who called up and said that she wanted to talk to the male doctors.
00:34You had a question.
00:36What do you got for us, Kayla?
00:39Hey, so my dilemma is I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half.
00:47We stay together, so it is pretty serious.
00:49My problem is you would think that he's a, like, 60-year-old man in a 20-year-old body, very easy to upset.
00:56All of a sudden, when we're talking, he'll address me by, and I don't want to curse, but he'll address me by, like, B-word or N-word.
01:05And I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but I'd much rather be called better pet names, you know, like love, baby, something like that.
01:12And I brought this up to him last night, actually, and to which his response was, you know, we've been together this long.
01:20This is how I talk.
01:22Either deal with it or don't.
01:24And that's not good enough for me, you know, like how do I approach him with this is really something that bothers me when he talks to me about that.
01:33You said C-word and N-word?
01:36Uh-huh.
01:37Wow, wow.
01:38Dude.
01:39Okay, and how long, and he said, what, what'd you say?
01:42Not in, like, a condescending way, but just, like, if you're talking to your homeboys.
01:47Right, like the home, like, right, okay.
01:49And let me ask you this, how long have you been together again?
01:53A little over a year and a half.
01:55Okay, so you've been together long enough where you should know that this is the thing is what he's saying.
02:01Yeah.
02:01Wow, okay, all right, Dr. Davi.
02:04Well, you know, relationships are all about communication and compromise, and you did your part communicating that, hey, I don't like this, and he isn't willing to compromise.
02:16On something as small as that, that's a very minimal, trivial thing that he could easily correct.
02:23And if he's not willing to do that, I think when bigger, more difficult compromises come in, he's not going to be willing to meet you halfway at all.
02:33So I think this is actually a bigger issue than just the pet names and things like that.
02:39I think this is a red flag.
02:40I mean, it is as far as the fact that you're telling him that you need something and he's not willing to kind of acquiesce to that.
02:49That's the big thing.
02:50Because it could be something larger in another year, and if you can't ask him this and he gives you that kind of concession, then what about when things get real?
02:59So that's where you're going to have to make a decision on, is this big enough for you?
03:06Because, I mean, ultimately, you have to look out for you.
03:09If you're not feeling loved or if you're not feeling appreciated or you're not feeling even listened to, then what's the upside after that?
03:18Right.
03:18And you're only a year in.
03:20I mean, Meredith treats a year like it's gold, but I mean, I think a year is like damn near 30-day probation on a job.
03:25So we can break up easy after that.
03:27I mean, because I ain't going to tell you to leave somebody, but I will say if somebody ain't listening to you, I would have a bag packed.
03:34Especially if somebody's calling you that.
03:35Yeah.
03:35Those are pretty bad.
03:36Yeah.
03:37And are there kids involved?
03:39No.
03:40Okay.
03:40See, that's even better, too, because now you ain't got this loose language all around your kids.
03:44Like, do you want somebody to, you know, maybe because, you know, when you're dating somebody and pregnancies do happen, do you want to raise a kid with that kind of language being talked loosely around your kids about you?
03:58Right.
03:59So I knew all of this.
04:00I knew all of this.
04:01I just had to hear it.
04:02Somebody else.
04:03And that's usually what it is, that people got to just shoot you 100 and say, hey, if you want it, you got it.
04:09But if you want better, you might want to just clear the space for somebody else because, you know, they always say, J. Ray and them always say, you know, love and nature loves a vacuum.
04:19So it's like you got to remove the person from that space to the right so the right person can get into that space.
04:24So if he's not the right person, it's best to go ahead and cut that now.
04:28But if you want to stick it out, you totally have that right, too.
04:31Okay.
04:32All right.
04:33All right.
04:33Well, I hope it works out for you.
04:36Thanks, y'all.
04:37I gave you advice.
04:37No problem.
04:38All right.
04:39That is awful.
04:40I have one for Meredith.
04:41What's the C word?
04:42Is the C word?
04:42Yeah, it's what you think it is.
04:43That is?
04:44Yes.
04:44That's disgusting.
04:44He calls her that?
04:45No, it's probably a term for white people.
04:50Oh, that's C word.
04:51Yeah, because C word and N words.
04:53So that's what I was saying.
04:54But we don't know.
04:55Oh, okay.
04:55All right.
04:56I thought it was the other one.
04:59No, I don't think so.
05:00I was like, how does that?
05:01Because you wouldn't say that.
05:02She said he says it like.
05:04Like he's saying you're my homie.
05:05Right.
05:05That's what I'm thinking.
05:06Okay.
05:07All right.
05:07I thought it was the other one.
05:08I thought it was the other one.
05:09I was thinking white girl, black guy, and they kind of use the racial story.
05:13Either way, how has she asked you not to call her that?
05:15Who the hell wants to be called that all day, every day?
05:17That is like, you wake up in the morning.
05:19Good morning.
05:19What was the thing?
05:20See you next Tuesday?
05:21That's what I thought it was.
05:22Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
05:22I was like, whoa.
05:22That is not romantic at all.
05:24At all.
05:25At least bit.
05:25Meredith, my son is 17 years old with no interest at all in driving.
05:30I don't want to push him, but at the same time, he could be a big help with his younger sister if he drove.
05:35That's why he don't want to help.
05:37Should I drop this and let him show interest at his own pace or maybe bring it up to him one more time?
05:42Because I just brought it up, and he completely brushed me off.
05:45It's just the times right now are just totally different.
05:49A little bit back in the day, you know, you used to be really excited, even when you're 15, to go get your driver's license and practice and all that stuff.
05:58And then you couldn't wait until you turned 16.
05:59Now it is totally different.
06:01There's like, they just take Ubers everywhere, and they're not as excited.
06:06And then scooters.
06:07Yeah, there's the electric scooters, all that stuff.
06:09I mean, I think it would be beneficial for you to push it just a little bit more because he is a member of the family living under your roof, and everybody should be helping everybody out.
06:19That being said, I mean, how's this person going to get a car?
06:22Cars, in my opinion, should also be earned instead of just giving somebody an automobile, which is also a huge responsibility.
06:29There's a lot of things that come under that as well, and it's also a large expense.
06:32I mean, not only the car, but the insurance every single month, who's paying for gas?
06:36So definitely keep pushing it.
06:37See where he goes with that.
06:39Maybe he'll open his eyes up a little bit more because it also brings freedom at the same time.
06:43So I wouldn't let it go just yet.
06:45Okay.
06:45All right.
06:46Let's see.
06:47Out of the 813 says, Dr. Davi.
06:49Dimey.
06:49It says, found out my wife cheated on me.
06:52Oh, man.
06:53It happened four months ago after our wedding.
06:56Oh, jeez, bro.
06:57Long story.
06:59Old boyfriend won't get into it.
07:01She's saying all the right stuff and showing a lot of remorse.
07:05I don't want to let go of my marriage.
07:07I just got in it.
07:08My question is, while I know it's a betrayal, is this any better that it was early and not
07:15after our longtime love story that we were trying to build?
07:18I know I'm grasping at straws, but is there any concession on this happening so early?
07:23I think it's worse that it happened so early because it literally happened in the honeymoon phase.
07:29This is where the love is supposed to be the strongest.
07:31You're coming off a wedding.
07:33You're supposed to be at an all-time high as far as intimacy and lovemaking and all of that fun stuff.
07:40And if she's already not only cheating on you, but cheating on you with the ex, the one that you've been thinking about and had your eye on,
07:47you know you've been looking at that.
07:48You knew that.
07:48You knew.
07:49He was like, too many bitches.
07:50Bro, get out.
07:51Get out.
07:51Get out.
07:52I'm sorry to stomp on your marriage, but I just like the last girl.
07:56I think you already know this in the back of your head, maybe the front of your head.
08:00And four months is better than four years.
08:03Bro, I would get out now and just run, bro.
08:06Call it a wrap.
08:07That's the ultimate betrayal.
08:08Can you think of anything more disrespectful than just a couple months after we got married?
08:13You cheated not only with, like, cheated on me, but with that guy?
08:17That guy that I hate?
08:18Hell no.
08:19Hell no.
08:20Well, Navi just told you the truth.
08:22What up, bro?
08:24How's it going?
08:26Good.
08:26How are you, man?
08:27I'm good.
08:28I'm good.
08:28What's your question?
08:30So, we have a little dilemma in the family, right?
08:34Okay.
08:35And my niece, teenager, older teenager, has come out to me.
08:42Okay.
08:44And you know how Latins and Blacks are, you know, because I have both in my family.
08:51And my niece is Latin and Black.
08:54Okay.
08:55They're very old school about it.
08:56They're very old school.
08:57And antiquated in the thoughts and stuff.
08:59Okay, I do get that.
09:00All right.
09:00So, what's your question?
09:02Like, what do you, how do you handle it?
09:05Yeah.
09:05Yeah.
09:07Because I don't want her, I don't want them coming down on her when she did something so
09:11hard, you know?
09:13Yeah.
09:14I mean, well, I mean, I'm not an expert at it, but I will say that if you, if you lead
09:19with care, then that's like an incredible thing because it is a hard thing to do.
09:24I know people who have come out and the fact that they really didn't have people to be an
09:30advocate for them or a protector, that made it harder.
09:34And the fact that she trusted to come out to you means that you're that person who can
09:39be that protector.
09:40So, it's almost like you kind of have to walk her through the process and not saying that
09:45you have to do it for her, but you can be a protector with the people who don't really
09:49understand this new development that they haven't really been, you know, experienced
09:55with.
09:55Because, I mean, a lot of it is not out of malicious, you know, intent.
09:58It's really just out of ignorance about it.
10:01So, when you say Black and Latino families, they're just traditionally treated a certain
10:06way and say certain things that are, you know, kind of heartless because of ignorance.
10:11It's not because they want to be mean.
10:13They love this family member.
10:14So, I think if you can be kind of the traffic cop in this whole thing and center everybody
10:20to the love part of it instead of about the jokes and the whole antiquated way, you can
10:25help translate it.
10:25Like, hey, hey, I know what you're saying, but that's the old way.
10:28You know, this is something new.
10:30And we want to walk her through this because don't you love her and keep reminding people
10:34about the love instead of letting them lean on the ha-has and the jokes and the little,
10:39you know, stereotypes that they'll lean on because that's a comfort space.
10:44You know what I'm saying?
10:45She's beautiful.
10:46She's smart.
10:46She's a good person.
10:48Yeah, of course.
10:48And those things are important.
10:50I think, again, you standing next to her through this, being somebody she can lean on and reminding
10:56people that this family member that we love who is smart and beautiful and all that has
11:01something that she's sharing with us, we don't want to stifle that.
11:05So, I think when a person chooses you as their person to trust with that, there's a lot of
11:11responsibility with that.
11:12So, you calling here and asking us our opinion is part of that whole thing.
11:17So, obviously, you're taking it seriously.
11:18So, I would say, you know, definitely be there for her and keep reminding her that, hey, as
11:23you go through this, we're going to have some family members that might not get it, but
11:27I'm going to be here with you and we're going to help walk you through this because you ain't
11:30alone.
11:31Keep reminding her about that.
11:32I think that'll be a home run for you.
11:34She needs an advocate.
11:35You know what I mean?
11:36And you're that.
11:37So, be that hero for her, okay?
11:39I will be.
11:40All right.
11:40Good for you.
11:41All right.
11:41I appreciate it, dude.
11:42All right.
11:42Let's see here.
11:43888-429-0941.
11:45What else we got?
11:45Orlando, have you ever heard of a shut-up ring before?
11:49Because I think that's what I just got.
11:51I've been bugging my man for a while now about moving on to the next step in our life and
11:55proposing.
11:56It seems like we were on the same page, but then he made me wait such a long time.
12:00I kept telling him for a while that he was drawing it out.
12:04Then, finally, he proposed and I've been trying to plan things for the wedding.
12:08He's not interested.
12:09He told me he wants a very, very long engagement and now I'm thinking that this was just a shut-up
12:14ring.
12:15I don't know what to do.
12:15Like, okay, that's a rude way of saying it, but it's sometimes true, but it's not a shut-up
12:23where it's a mean shut-up.
12:24Like, the dude who was saying bad stuff to his girl, that was bad.
12:27A shut-up ring isn't telling you to shut up.
12:29It's saying, hey, I want to give you...
12:31It's a pacifier.
12:32It's like, if you give a baby a pacifier, you're not telling them never to speak again.
12:36You're just saying, okay, let me get the break right now.
12:40Let me give you something to soothe you right now.
12:43And that's what it is.
12:44So if it was called a soothing gesture, it would be a lot less harsh than saying a shut-up
12:50ring.
12:50It's a soothing gesture.
12:51It's like, hey, I'm proposing to you because this is something that you said you bugged him
12:57about.
12:57He wasn't ready, but you kept on with him.
13:00And he's like, I don't want to lose you, so let me at least give a concession.
13:04Davi said relationships are about communication and concession.
13:07You made a communication.
13:10He conceded.
13:11And so you can't really be mad at that because you forced him into that.
13:15He wasn't ready.
13:15He gave you the truth.
13:17The truth wasn't accepted.
13:18So he's like, all right, since my truth isn't there, let me give you this ring and let us
13:23get some time to get to where I'm comfortable with it.
13:26But I know I want you as my person.
13:28I hope so.
13:29I gave you the ring.
13:30I want you as my person, but I mean, shut-up ring just sounds harsh.
13:34But trust me, there are a lot of guys that have given shut-up rings, and they would love
13:38to name them soothing gestures and stuff like that.
13:42I mean, it's true.
13:43Yeah.
13:43Better than a promise ring.
13:44But again, you bugged him.
13:46If you took the no and just walked away, not walked away, but just left it alone, you wouldn't
13:51have gotten the shut-up ring.
13:52Squeaky wheel.
13:54You squeaked, and so he gave you some oil.
13:57That's just what it is.
13:58All right, let's see.
13:59Do we got one more, or?
14:01Yeah, we have one for Meredith.
14:03It says, we're having a big fight in our house about TikTok.
14:06I think it's okay for our 14-year-old to have it, but my husband is very much against it.
14:10At the moment, it's no TikTok in the house.
14:13He's checking her phone and threatening to take it if he sees it on there.
14:17She won't let this go.
14:18She's barely talking to us, and it's going on week three of this drama.
14:22Okay, so I love me some TikTok.
14:25Definitely a great time waster.
14:27There is so much inappropriate stuff on there that I see all the time.
14:32It scares the crap out of me that as my daughter gets older that I am going to have to deal with
14:37this, and I totally, 100% support any family member at all that thinks and watches this
14:45and sees that it could be detrimental to their child.
14:48And, you know, it's not needed.
14:50Kids don't need to be on social media.
14:52It's a want, and it's a privilege.
14:54And also, they see a lot of, I mean, seriously inappropriate stuff on there.
14:57It has to be tough, though, when all your friends circle has it, and you're the one who
15:02has the lame parents.
15:03But is it going to kill you?
15:05No.
15:06It's not going to hurt you at the end of the day.
15:08Your parents are just trying to, I don't know if there are any filters on there either.
15:11Is it worth not having, she said, week three of my daughter not talking to us.
15:16Is that worth it?
15:17But that bothers me, though.
15:19Like, I mean, you ain't paying no bills.
15:21You in this house, you really not talking to us.
15:23But then you might need to get a sleeping bag and sleep in the backyard.
15:26Like, we're not giving you.
15:28I'm just saying, like, you can't talk to your parents for three weeks, and the silent treatment
15:31is working.
15:32I'm looking out for you.
15:32Is working?
15:33Like, I don't think that's cool.
15:36I support it.
15:36I support banning a TikTok.
15:39If there's another outlet, maybe, I know it may not be as cool, but if you accept a Snapchat
15:45or IG or something like that, you know, maybe one outlet would be cool.
15:49But I get why you don't want TikTok, because it's crazy.
15:51It's hard to find the parental controls on it, because I've tried to kind of quick tweak
15:55them, and TikTok isn't as friendly as the other ones are.
15:58Maybe have the same account number, so you can log in whenever you want, so you can see
16:01the videos that she likes if you want to eventually open up that door.
16:05That might be something.
16:07Share an account.
16:08Yeah.
16:08And where you won't post, and you won't act on it, but you get the notifications of everything
16:14that goes up.
16:15Yes, you can see messages.
16:17And maybe if you even want to share it with your kid and say, hey, I'll let you do it,
16:21but what about us doing it at a certain time of day where we can be here with you?
16:25Mm-hmm.
16:25Like, and to get you used to the muscle memory of what's acceptable on TikTok that we won't
16:31come down on you about.
16:32Sure.
16:32That would be something that maybe you can train her in it, because it is harsh.
16:36You know, my daughter didn't have her own.
16:38She had her own Instagram, but her mom manages it.
16:40Yeah.
16:40And we found out, as we were driving one day, I looked at, I was like, somebody duped my
16:45daughter.
16:45I'm like, because this is my daughter's name with her picture.
16:48I'm like, oh my God.
16:49I'm like, this is somebody's, like, catfish.
16:51And then she's like, no, your daughter made her own.
16:54And I realized that she went to a friend's house and made a one on her own.
16:59And it was because her friends had access to theirs and she felt left out.
17:03So that was a big, huge thing when she got grounded and whatever, whatever.
17:07And it was years ago.
17:08But the fact of the matter is, your kids being left out causes them to panic and that whole
17:13being accepted by friends thing.
17:15So, A, no silent treatment in this house.
17:19We pay your bills.
17:19So you're going to talk to us or we're going to duct tape you to something.
17:23And also, maybe join TikTok together.
17:26Sure.
17:27Yeah.
17:27Share an account.
17:28There you go.
17:28All right.
17:28That's your Therapy Thursday.
17:30It's a wrap.
17:30Orlando and the Freak.