WHY do friends suddenly disappear? Maintaining friendships in adulthood can be tricky — especially when people suddenly go radio silent with no explanation.
In the next episode of Life & The City, hosts Aida Ahmad and Farid Wahab get real (and a little funny) about the sting of ghosting – it's not just a dating thing!
Tune in as they share personal experiences and unpack why friendships fade, the impact of being ghosted, and whether it gets more common with age.
Does ghosting or being ghosted increase with age? What can we all learn from these painful experiences.
Been ghosted, been the ghost, or just fighting to keep your crew together? This episode's a must-listen.
The Life & The City podcast series airs fortnightly, spotlighting issues that matter to urbanites.
Catch the full episode on www.youtube.com/@thestaronline/podcasts or www.thestar.com.my/metro
WATCH MORE: https://thestartv.com/c/news
SUBSCRIBE: https://cutt.ly/TheStar
LIKE: https://fb.com/TheStarOnline
In the next episode of Life & The City, hosts Aida Ahmad and Farid Wahab get real (and a little funny) about the sting of ghosting – it's not just a dating thing!
Tune in as they share personal experiences and unpack why friendships fade, the impact of being ghosted, and whether it gets more common with age.
Does ghosting or being ghosted increase with age? What can we all learn from these painful experiences.
Been ghosted, been the ghost, or just fighting to keep your crew together? This episode's a must-listen.
The Life & The City podcast series airs fortnightly, spotlighting issues that matter to urbanites.
Catch the full episode on www.youtube.com/@thestaronline/podcasts or www.thestar.com.my/metro
WATCH MORE: https://thestartv.com/c/news
SUBSCRIBE: https://cutt.ly/TheStar
LIKE: https://fb.com/TheStarOnline
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00aida i have a question for you have you been ghosted yes i have would you mind to tell us
00:11a little bit more about what happened then it's a long story for it have you been of course i have
00:17um and i'm sure it is something that a lot of us have had to deal to deal with in the past
00:23uh which is why we're going to talk about it today in our next in our sixth episode of the
00:27podcast when friends go mia maintaining friendships and connections in adulthood but uh before we
00:34begin either i believe you have plenty of stories in the star which you would like to highlight to
00:38our listeners yes to be honest yep just a few one of it is the deluge of fake engine oils farid that's
00:47flooding the market so consumer groups are calling for more stringent rules and certifications on the
00:55international front um there's a trade war as uh donald trump is about to unleash 104 percent
01:03tariffs on china that hasn't created waves i'm sure this will just create a tsunami the other one is
01:12the um catastrophic putra heights fire there is a gas supply crisis and 8 000 premises face
01:21some major disruptions so let's get back to our topic hmm anyway uh very concerning and feel free
01:30to check out uh our website or our newspapers for more info on those uh stories uh but let's talk about
01:37our podcast today aida um so you mentioned just now that you have had experience with being ghosted
01:43um maybe you can tell us a little bit a little bit about what happened then hmm okay um i feel this
01:51concept of being ghosted is harder to accept as we uh we as we are adults you know it's hard to accept
02:00in adulthood when we were younger as kids when your friends didn't want to friend you or
02:08it was just the the right of passage that we go through that but as an adult i find it really
02:15intriguing on some level there's an air of mystery as to why and since it's it's the concept of ghosting
02:27you won't know why so you just assume and presume right so i was uh friends with this person for i say
02:37yeah about uh five five yeah five or six years and um there was just well somehow this was after
02:50the pandemic we went through pandemic and then there was the mco and as we eased out of the pandemic
02:55uh i felt there was this detachment right and somehow we spoke less and less but then there was this one
03:06evening where we were at um an eatery and she was there and i walked in and um there was just
03:18something in the air that prevented her from approaching me and the weird thing is i felt the
03:27same way so from then on there was an energy shift in your relationship with this person we we were done
03:33that that that that was it that was the end to that friendship yeah so after that as i sort of um
03:41regrouped and thought about it i thought yeah that was just
03:48a strange feeling but i wasn't that shocked because of certain things that happened
03:58so you went completely clueless before it happened like you just you had an idea or at least had some
04:05inkling that something like this was going to happen the thing is we uh didn't confront each other
04:12about what i thought the thing was but both of us were feeling it but somehow that evening it was as if
04:21uh it was the curtain call for this uh friendship yeah it's just just happened like that
04:29well i have um somewhat of a similar experience um a friend um a friend i mean someone with whom i've
04:37been friends before about a decade uh months ago several months ago just completely uh stopped all
04:46communications with me there was no text messages there were no calls and me and this person we
04:51were quite close and then um we we text almost every week you know sharing petty stuff talking about
04:58you know a lot of dumb dumb things but um we just stopped communicating and after two or three weeks
05:05of initiating contacts and getting nothing back in in in response i thought that okay maybe this person
05:11you know something had happened you know something had happened and i remember wondering if i did
05:15something wrong if i said something wrong and eventually after about two three weeks i just i just
05:21stopped thinking about it and then um i think a few days before ramadan i got a text from this person
05:27from this friend and he said look um i had been hospitalized and it turned out that um actually he had been
05:37diagnosed with pneumonia and had been going in and out of hospital and had therefore been you know less
05:44responsive to text messages he had been too focused on his medical conditions and i think um
05:49the depth i had been that there were there were other instances where i had been ghosted but i think
05:56that when it comes to ghosting sometimes it might be you know it might be a good idea to spare someone the
06:02benefit of a doubt you know when they suddenly vanish of the face of the earth perhaps that person was
06:07dealing with an issue that had nothing to do with you especially if you've known this person for a
06:12long time yes yeah but uh you know it it's but luckily for for us we we resume our friendship after
06:18that but either before we go any further um maybe you can tell us about what is your definition of
06:25ghosting well um to me it is this sudden silence uh this like uh this person just pulls away
06:36uh with no explanation uh with no explanation and uh there's no no no context or um yeah just no
06:44explanation given and over time they just drop out of your life yeah i feel the some of the reasons
06:52for um ghosting when it comes to your long time friend right it could be on some level fear or
07:04vulnerability um maybe this person or or even us even um we're avoiding a deeper conversation
07:15or commitment to that friendship for reasons i we we don't know right that's my definition
07:25i think um ghosting i mean the term is often used in uh in in in in a dating and romantic
07:35relationships uh context but i think it's also common in friendship yeah yeah it is now yeah it is
07:41now and but anyway i took the liberty of finding out the definition of ghosting from oxford dictionary
07:48and and here's what it says the practice of ending a personal relationship with somebody
07:53by suddenly stopping all communication without explanations and um one thing that i want to ask
08:02you either is that do you think that you know as we you know get older as we become more mature at
08:08least i supposed to become more mature as we become adults you know as we transition from school
08:14university to you know adult life do you think it is becoming more common for people to ghost one
08:20another is ghosting more common as we age i think it is um i want to share something that i heard on
08:27michelle obama's podcast called imo in my opinion with her brother craig and they talk about slow ghosting
08:37where when you make a friend in adulthood it suddenly this this friendship experiences a shift and both
08:49friends drift apart
08:51well i would you find this hurtful for it um it depends it's an unexpected end to a short friendship
09:02it it for me it depends on the context because uh i know this when it comes to me you know i made
09:09friends in school during my school years i made friends in university and some of those friendships
09:15have lasted till today yes same with me have not but i'd say that it's not so much that they ghosted me
09:22it's it's just the fact that sometimes you know in life we take different paths you know we go through
09:28phases yes in school whether you like it or not you're gonna meet your friends every day but when
09:35you you know when you're no longer in the same place when you're no longer obliged to attend the
09:40same place every day yeah you just take different paths it doesn't necessarily mean that they are
09:45ghosting me it just means that our paths don't going on a different journey yeah don't cross much
09:51as much anymore but there have been instances where you know like i said friends or people who
09:56whom i thought were friends you know suddenly sees all contacts suddenly vanish and you know
10:01you know for a fact that they're still alive and kicking but for some reasons they are not
10:06communicating with you or making a conscious decision about not um talking with you or communicating
10:12with you which brings me to my next point you know i think for a ghosting to happen there needs to be
10:17a conscious decision on that person's butt meaning they are actively making a decision to not
10:24talking with you but if they just you know sort of go a different path you know they move to another
10:29state for example that's not really ghosting it just means that you know they're choosing a different
10:34path in life yeah that's true and um i don't know about you but i have a handful of good friends and
10:45today as we speak from different phases of my life from my childhood to my first work experience to
10:56my uni days to my working days right i i have different groups and uh one or two in each group that i cherish
11:06right so uh like what you said earlier about it it it's not necessarily ghosting if this person you know
11:18you knew in your childhood you went to the same school you probably walked together to school or sat in
11:25the same bus you know of each other's existence however you have lost touch with each other it doesn't
11:33mean that they ghosted you you you're just on a different um wavelength or different journey that's
11:42all yeah i remember many years ago i made friends i mean i became friends with this person um we we
11:49we became close we became good friends but over the years um our values our outlook on life diverged quite
11:58significantly and that led to some tensions which ultimately led to the demise of that friendship
12:05um so it wasn't so much ghosting it was more that both parties simply went separate ways yeah but i had
12:12been ghosted right but and and um let me let me tell you a story about um last year i had the pleasure of
12:18going on a overseas work assignment and i met uh someone you know from another from from other
12:24countries i met people from other countries who were also journalists and many of us we became
12:29friends we still remain in touch to this day but there was one person in particular who for what
12:34one reason or another simply stopped communicating with me i wouldn't go into details but i know for
12:39a fact that this person is alive it's well and kicking and so i remember going to a friend who also
12:45went on that on that trip and and i asked her i said did did i do anything wrong you know did i say
12:50something wrong and then she said no i think you've been completely appropriate and i don't know what
12:56happened and and you know and she said don't worry about it you know it happens you know in adult
13:00relationships so you would think that you know when you reach a certain age you know you'll be fine with
13:07it you'll be you'll be fine with this one and also people will be more mature to say exactly what
13:13their problem is but no apparently not everyone is like that and not everyone is willing to share
13:18their problems with you or have the decency to actually tell you that they're having a problem
13:24with you well um i wouldn't put it as decency for it um some people really value their privacy
13:33and if you just met this person they're obliged to share with you their reasons why they don't feel
13:41like keeping in touch with you anymore i suppose that's one way to look at it yeah they don't owe you
13:47an explanation but it it happens across for new friendships though yeah yeah yeah i guess that's
13:52one way to look at it but i think um there are this is something that happens across all each uh across
13:59all ages like for example recently uh my sister was getting married and naturally my mom reached out to
14:07a lot of relatives you know getting them to come to the to the reception and there was one relative in
14:13in particular who you know was supposed to play a big role in the reception and you know had agreed
14:22to play a big role in the in in the in the whole reception and then like i think two or three weeks
14:28before the the big event suddenly just ceased all contact all communication with my mom we tried to call
14:36this person we texted this person we went to their home and didn't open the door we didn't know what
14:42happened but this is a relative this is a relative yeah family is a different kettle of fish for it
14:47you would think yeah it is really being blood different drama you know and this person being
14:52in there i'm i'm using the pronouns there so as to protect this person's identity you know in their
14:5850s you know would be more mature to tell us what exactly had happened you would think but no but no
15:05so ghosting happens you know across age across the board yeah across age age groups yeah that's true
15:13and and you're left wondering what happened yeah what do you think do you think ghosting a friend
15:22is a passive aggressive way to end the friendship i think it is i think it could be yes yes
15:27yeah interesting um what about when it comes to men farid guys do you think that the way you guys
15:40interact is more transactional when something bad happens right let's say when ghosting happens among
15:46you guys does it hurt as much as when we women experience ghosting because i i mean i think we
15:54take it more emotionally for obvious reasons yeah i like that you asked this question because it is
15:59something that i've come across a lot people assume that oh men are less affected by you know
16:05emotional events in life they're not as affected as as much as women are but i think that's a
16:12misconception i think it stems from the fact it stems from cultural expectations you know from a young
16:17age men are told or boys are told you're not supposed you're supposed to you know man up you're
16:25supposed to man up you're supposed to behave a certain way you're not supposed to be as emotional
16:29whereas women are expected to be a little bit more i think more expressive with their emotions
16:34but i think um ultimately humans are also human and humans need to work through emotions and i think in
16:41the long run both men and women suffer for that because i don't know if you've spoken to many
16:47men as i mean no offense but i've spoken to a lot of men and i'm a man myself and i know for a fact
16:53that a lot of men sometimes feel like they are being trapped in these social roles that they're
16:57expected to play right and then many women are also frustrated with the fact that why aren't my
17:03husbands or why aren't my brothers or my boyfriends or my male friends as expressive with their emotions
17:11with me and i think that both men and women would like it if that wall is broken down a little bit
17:17right you know and so i feel like to to go back to your question are men as are men equally affected
17:25by ghosting or emotional disturbances in their life i would say yes they are they might not they might
17:30not show you that they are because they might not want to talk about it yeah and those who talk about
17:36it are seen as wrong that's not manly that's not you know that that's a turn off but yeah men are
17:41definitely just as affected as women yeah why does this happen do you think is it um let's discuss
17:50whether it's emotional burnout or overstimulation because um i don't know whether you would agree with
17:56me but there are people as adults who are described as clingy mm-hmm right so that might be an issue as
18:07to why the other person sort of detaches and slowly just sails off into the sunset if you ask me i mean
18:16i'm not i'm not a certified uh psychologist or you know or counsellors i don't know if you are i know
18:23that i am yes yes you are and i'm not so take what i said uh with a grain of salt you know to
18:28our listeners out there this is my opinion i think it it's it's all a coping people have different
18:35people have developed coping mechanisms depending on their life circumstances and how they grew up
18:41well some people are more open to talk about their feelings some people are more closed off
18:46and you know you know um you know retracting from a certain relationship might be some people's way
18:55of coping with uh whatever issues that arise i'm not saying it's healthy coping mechanism but it is a
19:01coping mechanism so some people may have a lower threshold for emotional connection or emotional
19:09burnout some people may have a higher threshold and that i think that dynamics is what's contributing
19:15to this uh ghosting situations what do you think um i kind of agree because
19:25like we said earlier we go through different phases in our life right and how we feel as a teenager a
19:34young adult and now right it could be different our our mindset could change our values well we try
19:42to maintain our good values in life but our okay priorities might change correct um it might be
19:50different for single people for married people people going through divorce people going through some
19:57life traumas right they process it in a different way right so at the end of the day i think communication
20:06is the best way to talk it out communicate properly um easier said than done but correct necessary but the
20:16reasons for ghosting is you know there's no communication
20:23probably because this person uh who you just met may not like you for some reason so they're not gonna say
20:31i don't want to continue this because i don't like you they're not gonna say that i think so they would
20:37rather just okay i'm just gonna back off slowly maybe maybe they won't he or she won't realize and
20:44they'll just forget but the other person might not and the other person might might have really liked you
20:50or found you interesting and realize huh this is strange that this person's not doesn't want to talk or
20:58communicate anymore then you go into that rabbit hole of thinking did i do something wrong
21:03but actually it's just not these things happen they're just not into continuing the relationship
21:12i think um i want to go back to uh when you said you know uh when you said that you don't owe someone
21:18a communication and i want to address that uh before we go any further for newly built yes friendships or
21:25your acquaintances for me yeah a person you've known maybe a week or a month yeah i okay i define
21:33those people as acquaintances even it even if you still know each other's existence right beyond that
21:43but you don't talk to each other much anymore right um or if you're in a whatsapp group with this person
21:51but you don't you don't you don't talk to each other um that doesn't necessarily mean that
21:58you are ghosting each other no you're just you're just not talking because maybe you're both busy in
22:03your own lives and uh the relationship hasn't developed much because you're not talking you're not
22:11sharing you're not going places right um or sharing each other's vulnerabilities so you're just
22:19acquaintances and and that's that that's fine actually i've i've read some online threads on
22:24this topic when uh where someone posts posted on reddit or you know other uh online uh communities
22:31where they said uh you know so for example you know i'm saying this person has been bullying me
22:36this person has been harassing me or this person has been making snide comments about me which i don't
22:41feel comfortable with is it okay for me to ghost this person and i think it's very important to define
22:46clearly what you mean by ghosting that i don't think when you distance yourself from someone who
22:51has been you know making you uncomfortable or even you know bullying you abusing you harassing you i
22:56don't think that counts as ghosting i think that counts as you creating a safe space safe space for
23:02yourself i think ghosting is when you and this person has in some ways um you know made an influence on
23:11each other's life you know you've been friends a long time you know you've been committed to one another for
23:15for quite some time you know you've made an impact on each other's lives and then you seize all
23:19contacts you know you're not talking to this person you block them on social media you stop responding
23:23to their website messages you you don't pick up their calls when you're making a conscious decision
23:29to stop communicating with this person without any explanation you're going back to the definition
23:34earlier that is ghosting and that i think is what we're talking about here either um can we talk about
23:42you know life transitions people having jobs people having breakdown in relationships could those
23:48contribute to ghosting sure and it's um back to what i said earlier about your
23:56um i call this a social bandwidth okay everyone has one right you can be the
24:04most jovial social butterfly but you still have a social bandwidth right i think us as journalists
24:14farid we meet a lot of people right on a daily basis we communicate with our family we come to the
24:20office we communicate with colleagues and we deal with a whole kettle of different characters in the
24:27office and it can be overwhelming and outside the office too and outside the office it can be overwhelming
24:34so when we go home at the end of the day that quiet and solitude is is a solace right so i don't know how
24:45many friends you have in your circle but um my my my point is that um you can go on for days without um
25:00having the energy to communicate with your friends because you're dealing with so much already right so
25:08yeah that that that that that boils down to where you are in your life your priorities so for for a
25:17single people i suppose we don't have that um how to say that part where we have to look after our
25:26spouse or our kids because we they need our bandwidth as well right uh when it comes to personal relationships
25:34you you you choose who you want to prioritize right wouldn't you agree i i agree um i i read this one
25:47article by a therapist i think he's a counselor based in the uk and he proposed this idea of
25:56matching someone's energy so he said that you know um you whatever someone's
26:04just if someone invests 20 in you you invest 20 back at 20 back you know and and if someone is not
26:12interested in communicating with you you're not gonna increase his interest by investing further
26:20into that friendship well meaning um if someone is not interested in you he's not interested in talking
26:28to you or communicating with you or being friends with you
26:30he's not gonna want to do it more just because you try to connect more people are not gonna appreciate
26:39something that they don't already appreciate in the first place just because you offer more of it
26:43that's right yeah uh that's when it uh that's when we touch on um reciprocation right yes um i go through a
26:53a lot of this in in my life um i used to be a people pleaser but i feel i've consciously tapered down on that
27:03because like you said i can offer 90 percent in this friendship i'm not gonna get 90 back
27:12right because this person obviously has other responsibilities
27:16job kids their own relationships so they're not gonna give 90 back and that's fine i've learned to
27:25accept it people not everyone can give can reciprocate with 90 percent some don't even give 50
27:34but for me it depends on who are these friends friends who whom i've known throughout my life
27:45there is an understanding and we have to understand where they're coming from as well right but um
27:53for newly minted friendships um you you make your own choice i don't encourage ghosting what i'm saying is
28:07um communicate what but going back to what i said earlier if you don't like this person
28:13right it's hard to tell them i actually don't like you
28:20right so um if the other person
28:25communicates with you and ask hey i haven't heard from you in a while is there something wrong
28:31so you can reply hi i'm okay it's just that i've been really busy um sorry for the lack of
28:39communication that's fine and if you choose not to um talk after that that's also fine
28:48but um ghosting when you've already developed somewhat of a friendship yeah it can be painful
28:57but i think as adults it's just hard to develop friendships as we get older you go back to
29:05relying on the friendships that you that you've already built since you were children because
29:12you've gone through so much together you saw each other through um
29:17primary school drama puberty secondary school drama and you shared all of those experiences
29:24experiences right so even if you drift apart there's always a way to find each other again
29:32which is what um i have done with with a couple of my uh good friends from school i think that's very
29:38important as you know for us to have that connection as we grow older either let's talk about the emotional
29:46impact of ghosting you've been ghosted i've been ghosted i'm sure a lot of our listeners have also
29:50been ghosted or they might have been the ones doing the ghosting so let's talk about the emotional
29:54impact of ghosting how did it make you feel when you were ghosted by your i don't know former friends
30:00let's call them that um of course you feel a bit sad right but then i realized that
30:11it was probably for the better yeah because i think again as we grow older you tend to not tolerate
30:18unnecessary drama anymore or manipulation is there a necessary drama sometimes there is okay because
30:29when you don't communicate um and you you you stifle all those emotions it's going to erupt one way or
30:39another okay yes so sometimes some drama is necessary just to get things out of the way
30:46right just talking it out yes talking shouting yeah whatever right get it out of the way sometimes
30:55the drama has to happen because that's the only way to tell it right so um sorry what was your question
31:04again the emotional impact of ghosting how did it make you obviously i was a bit sad and then i
31:10rationalized the whole thing um and i thought okay yeah it was just time you know time time was up it probably
31:19wouldn't have led to anywhere but um more manipulation um more i suppose uh jealousy
31:32more more anger and um more just catastrophizing right uh because when you have a mutual friend
31:50that's within that dynamic as well but this mutual friend chooses not to get involved but you know deep
31:58down this mutual friend played some sort of a role yeah so um you realize that you know you don't need
32:09this anymore i think uh for me um and a lot of people it's the lack of closure you want to know you you
32:18you go down this rabbit hole of asking yourself did i do something wrong did i say something wrong and
32:24then if you have mutual friends and you're gonna ask that mutual friends you know what went wrong
32:29and and and you you you wonder you know it depends on the context of that relationship is it what was
32:37it friendship or was it more than that you know it but we're talking about friendship here and if it's a
32:42long time not long time long term friend you'd be like okay um you know was it you you you you you
32:49ask a lot of this a lot of these questions you go down the rabbit hole and then you you obsess over
32:56it and it takes up space in your mind yeah it takes up a lot of real estate unnecessary real estate in
33:02your mind yes yeah and i think uh that can have an impact on your mental health it distracts you you
33:09know it's you feel rejected you feel confused you develop self-doubt and and you you wonder if
33:16there they were if there were anything you could have done to prevent it look all of us go through
33:21rejection one way or another right this is a form of social rejection you know correct as adults
33:29rejection can feel even more painful than what we experience as children in the schoolyard as adults
33:38it can be more painful i feel i don't know what do you think i think so i think um because like when
33:46we were in school we had a huge supply of people to become friends with so to speak uh but and as an
33:53adult you know um you are weighed down by a lot of responsibility so you don't have as much time
34:00you don't have as much place as many places to make friends so the friends that you do have you try to
34:04keep or at least you want to keep so when you lose one or two it's more devastating that's true i do want
34:11to touch on another aspect which actually we uh i don't think you are gonna you're gonna expect this
34:19little um um subtext but being uninvited to certain events right um by people who you think are your
34:33friends they are your friends that again it boils down to your own definition of what is what is
34:38friendship but the whole feeling of being uninvited excluded excluded yeah that's um that's that is
34:49a different level of rejection especially now with social media you know you are on your friends page and
34:58you see them posting photos having fun and these these are your friends you meet up maybe um once in
35:08a few months and you've you're you've either gone to school with them or university with them but then
35:14you've you see the photos and think huh why wasn't i there right and it used to bother me a lot for it
35:22used to bother me a lot and it affected me um i not to say i fell into depression but um it made me really
35:33sad right because i have invited these people to to my home and you know we spent time outside but then
35:45you see the photos and you think huh why wasn't i there but now okay this was maybe i think okay
35:52during the pandemic we were all vulnerable we were all lonely and alone right so none of us could see
36:01each other but as the mcoes right um and then people were back to seeing each other posting on social media
36:08whatever but um yeah and then i started to think after seeing this in social media that um huh i don't
36:18i mean i i didn't like the feeling of being uninvited but again it happens and you can't explain it they
36:26can't explain it again they're not gonna tell if you ask they're not gonna tell you we uh we just
36:32yeah we didn't didn't feel like inviting you would you rather hear that or just chalking it up to
36:42things happen in life and just moving on i think we all as people who have been ghosted we all want
36:50an answer yeah from our ghost about why they did and this includes um uh family and relatives as well yeah
36:58but i think it's very important for us to understand people want to be heroes in their own stories what
37:03do i mean by this is that even if you do get that rare opportunity to confront them and ask them why
37:10did you ghost me you are likely not gonna get the real reason why they ghosted you yeah they will give
37:17you an easy reason yeah to let themselves off the hook they will tell you what they think you want to
37:24hear and you will obsess about it yeah and you will think okay oh maybe they will tell you oh
37:29you are too clingy oh you always want to talk they're not gonna say that they're not they're not
37:34they're gonna give you the reason that is probably not the actual reason why they ghosted you in the
37:39first place so don't bother and also i have friends i have friends who themselves have ghosted other
37:48people i have one friend in particular she likes to talk to me and she told me that i've
37:53ghosted a number of people and so i asked her i asked her why did you do that she told me i don't
37:59know i just feel like i'm not going to meet them again or i just don't feel i don't know why i did it
38:04i just did it so for me when you are expecting answers the people that you want answers from
38:11are probably not the ones able who are able to give you the answers you seek correct that's also
38:16veering into your expectations i think it's gonna sound incredibly cliche but it is still incredibly
38:26true the answers you're looking for is within you no that is true you give yourself the closure
38:34correct the closure is understanding this they're not the person you thought the person you thought was
38:40the person it's not who you thought you thought he is or it's not who you thought he was or she was
38:45give the closure to yourself the relationship has come to its end friendship romantic relationships
38:51doesn't matter the person has chosen to discard you from their life and that's the closure you need
38:56give yourself that closure yes and give yourself some respect as a person right as a person with values
39:07give yourself some respect i feel a lot of people disrespect themselves
39:12what what do you think well some some uh counselors or therapists i've i don't i i watch on youtube say
39:21that's self-abandonment when you chase for someone's approval and at the expense of your own
39:28peace your own peace of mind that's pretty much social media isn't it you abandon yourself yeah
39:33so if someone goes to you well too bad casper um you know i i have a lot to offer and if you're not
39:39interested well i have other bias but i think um i want to talk about um uh you know what can you
39:46learn from this experience maybe our listeners i'm sure if they have listened to this this this this far
39:51then they want to know what can we learn from this experience what have you learned from your experience
39:55insider i have learned that boy life and relationships can be painful hurtful but they
40:04can be beautiful it's just that um there is a lot of maintenance that goes into the friendships that
40:13you cherish right there's a lot of maintenance it cannot be one-sided however what i said earlier
40:21is that 80 percent 20 you also need to see who who who you're dealing with and if you've been friends
40:28with this person who you've known since childhood then you have to understand that okay he or she has
40:36this to deal with they might not be able to uh lie on you all the time and that's fine right i feel
40:45most important thing is sincerity from within you if you want to do something nice for your friend
40:50do it but keep your expectations low don't expect them to uh return the favor because it might not
40:59happen because they might be genuinely busy right they and again we're single people people who are
41:06managing teenagers young kids spouses it's a different story right so what i've learned is to
41:14uh be sincere have some self-respect and self-care well for me i mean i've gone through multiple i mean
41:29several ghosting experiences before but after that many experiences well not that many but i've had
41:37experienced ghosting before i think my key takeaways are this number one is that oftentimes it's not a
41:45reflection of who you are yeah the fact that you are even having this conversation with yourselves
41:50or even your friends suggests indicates that there is a willingness in you yeah you know to have
41:58that introspection to want to know how you can do better that alone indicates that you are someone
42:04mature enough to want to have that kind of conversation the other person who cuts you off
42:10without explanations that is a reflection of that person it's not a reflection of you yeah as a person
42:18so don't internalize that number two is what i said before you know the answers you're looking for
42:26the person you are asking that from is not going to be able to give that to you it's like this let me
42:31give you an analogy it's like you've been bitten by a snake and instead of running away from that
42:35snake you are chasing after that snake and asking why did you beat me why did you bite me so don't
42:40don't go that and asking why did you ghost me no you're not going to get the answer you want from
42:45for out you you want from that person yeah and i heard this thing as well i forgot where where was it
42:51was it was it a quote or um one of those shots in a youtube video it's like the person who you want
43:02love affection from they're not giving it to you so it's like you going to the person and demanding
43:09chocolates or your favorite sweets and the person says i'm sorry about my pockets empty i don't have
43:14anything for you right yeah so yeah uh it's an interesting topic ghosting we've all experienced
43:25it anything else you want to add to the conversation either no i think that um just my parting thoughts i
43:32think that as we get on with our years in life it's important to appreciate the people that we have in
43:43our circle might not be a circle for me it could be this sometimes it's just a hexagon that's fine
43:51because i know who my friends are i know who i care for and um that's the most important and and again
44:00it's it's sincerity and and maintaining your expectations i think uh for me um you know with the
44:09rise of social media electronic communications ghosting has become very commonplace whereas a
44:14long time ago we have to write letters people have to put a lot of thoughts and efforts into connecting
44:20with someone nowadays it's it's easier to connect but it's also easier to disconnect and it it makes me
44:27more appreciative of the people i have in life because as i get older i realize that um maintaining
44:32connections maintaining bonds with people has become harder so i cherish and treasure the ones i still have
44:38correct um in my life but i'm sure this is a very huge topic and i think we barely covered the surface
44:47thank you for listening everyone our life in the city podcast can be viewed on our youtube channel
44:52and at thestar.com.my slash metro and you have any comments anything to add to this composition
44:58feel free to drop them in the comments we'll be happy to see what you have to say
45:10you