“I learned to lie in words and in moans.” Sriti Jha performs "Confessions Of An Asexual Romantic" during the 2020 Kommune India Spoken Fest.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I kept falling in love sometimes better other times worse but it was never on my
00:07mind I was relieved when they wrote chants of no means no means no means no
00:11but when I said no and I meant no they said you've got to try a little more so
00:16I learned to lie in words and in moans they told me I haven't found the right
00:22one yet well honestly as of yet I had found a right few and I'm going to tell
00:30you those stories and then you'll find some things old and some things new
00:33let's go back to the start the very first time I fell in love things were
00:39said and rules were laid holding hands and flirting was alright anything beyond
00:44that would not be okay so the problem was that I went beyond and kissed the
00:50very first time I was kissed and I I was kissed back it was a discovery it was
00:56the closest to magic I'd ever felt so the best kisser I was going to be I
01:01learned new meanings of forever I learned to hope for again and better but
01:08then I couldn't catch up in rhythm or in rhyme as a cosmic alarm went off and
01:12everybody was ready for their first time I've I must have missed the alarm
01:19because I'm a late sleeper because I wasn't ready or even eager but when they
01:24spoke of it I joined in with equal vigor I kept falling in love sometimes better
01:31other times worse but it was never on my mind and that seemed to be my curse so I
01:38kept avoiding it eventually I did it but it it didn't seem meant to be every time
01:46it happened I knew I wasn't really being me so I told my friends and a problem
01:52with me was diagnosed a lot was said a lot was done books were read new boys
01:58were met but problem remained solved by none finally I was relieved when they
02:04wrote chance of no means no means no means no but when I said no and I meant
02:09no they said you've got to try a little more
02:12arey thodi koshish toh karo how could you not why would you not know you do
02:17you don't know how I'll teach you I'll show you oh my god you've never felt
02:21wow but I had felt wow I had felt wow in hugs and in kisses I had felt wow every
02:28time fingers had run through my tresses but beyond a point when it went I was
02:33left all alone so I learned to lie in words and in moans I learned to lie
02:41because I didn't want to hurt I didn't want to lose and I was in love who was I
02:46to choose who was I to choose who had who was I to choose me who had none
02:51alike who was I to choose me who had lost it loves every strike and this was
02:57the time when everybody was talking about sex learning and teaching consent
03:01and I had no one except for my discontent and this is not bashing my
03:07lovers they were great this is not bashing my lovers or even my friends
03:12they were taking care of me keeping the bargain at their end this is not bashing
03:16sex either this is not to prove me greater I do not celebrate celibacy I'm
03:21not a sex hater and sex haters you think just the favorite child is the asexual
03:28kind go out with the boys or the girls your parents never really mind true but
03:34for that to happen you have to come out and we're the only ones who have to use
03:39the word sex and not love to come out you see the irony there I'm sure without
03:45a doubt but what must be done must be done I found a way to make this a little
03:50easy and as I go ahead I know I might sound cheesy they say you don't stutter
03:56when you're singing a song and as I go ahead I hope you'll sing along I am a
04:01sexual yeah I'm not the only one I am everything I need you better recognize
04:14me now thank you so there's another song there's another song that has the phrase
04:24cardboard cutout sex appeal and I always misheard it as carpal tunnel sex
04:29appeal because for me it was about holding hands holding hands to the point
04:32of chronic muscle ache I didn't know picking my way to love was such a
04:37terrible mistake I have to paraphrase songs I have to paraphrase songs to tell
04:42you I feel all of it the butterflies and the bees in my very stomach split and if
04:48if I asked you why do you need need or want sex you can't put it to words I
04:54know and that ineffable reason that's how I know I don't want sex for sure and
04:58I'm not incomplete or in in any way less I am complete but confused isn't that
05:06such a beautiful mess and I am broken imperfect but that means mending of a
05:11different kind don't tell me who I am do not try to change my mind last but not
05:18the least in LGBTQIA and asexual and NLI each and every single way and as I
05:27come here on this very special day I'll sing one more time and I hope you'll
05:31sing along with me when I say I am asexual I'm not the only one I am
05:42everything I need you better recognize me now thank you