This week, Siu Lim sits down with single mum Zetty to share their unique experiences of raising kids on their own!
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00:00Mommy and daddy is not living together anymore. The love is still there. Everything remains the same. It's just that we are not living together
00:13It's a hard knock life and welcome back to my podcast
00:17This is Su Lim your host and today I have a very special guest
00:21It's a hard knock life as you may or may not know being a single mom
00:26I was a single mom for about 10 years and I had to share about this whole experience
00:30I think to the world and I'd actually always wondered what it was like being on the other side where someone else
00:37Shares it for me. So here today. I have Zeti. Hello
00:41How are you?
00:43Thank you for being on the show. Thank you for inviting. Yeah, so Zeti tell me I mean I know but let the
00:50Listeners know how many kids do you have? I have two
00:55two boys two cute boys
00:58Three and one Ali and Adam. I mean two boys. Well, that's a lot
01:03That's a lot handful. Yeah it for those who don't have boys or don't you know, they they are
01:10Lovely sweet maniacs. All right, but they're also lovely. So, um, so how long have you been a single mom?
01:1811 months now. Okay. How's it been? How are you doing?
01:22Where do I begin? I know it's okay
01:26I'm is
01:28Slowly adapting to this life, but so far so good. Okay. Can I ask how is it? How is it?
01:36Custody, how is it shared? Oh
01:39Since I went through fast track, so we it's a mutual agreement. So
01:45He takes the kids on weekends and he also comes
01:50Every two days to my house to play with the kids. So we're doing we're juggling
01:55our
01:57Parenting doing co-parenting very well. Oh, that's you know what I'm gonna say. That's always really lovely to hear
02:04when people
02:06Separate and they're still civilized
02:08I have to say that is truth be that not always there a separation or a divorce goes
02:15You know very nice. So then that it makes it hard on the kids and speaking of the kids
02:20How did the kids take it that you were mommy and daddy weren't going to be together?
02:27Okay, so how do I explain it to them?
02:31Basically, I mean they're young. So yeah. Yeah, so I make it age appropriate. Okay, so
02:37They're three and one so they don't really understand the complex emotion or complex situation, right?
02:44So I just put it very lightly like mommy and daddy is not living together anymore
02:50But we still love you always put it
02:53always
02:55acknowledge that they're feeling and
02:59Make them feel secure say that the the love is still there. It's not going to be any different
03:05Everything everything remains the same. It's just that we are not living together. We can still go out
03:11Have fun together, but we just don't live together, right?
03:16That's each appropriate for them. I think okay
03:18Okay
03:19And do you ever think about times when they start going to school and they start seeing?
03:23Their friends their mom and dads are together and they live together
03:27Do you ever worry about how are you gonna explain something like that to them?
03:31When they start to compare Ali three years old
03:34He once asked me like why is why does at least mommy and daddy?
03:40Pick me up from school together. Why don't why you always come alone? So I say like
03:46Different family has different settings like some people have two moms and two dads. Some people have
03:52One mom and one dad that doesn't live together. So if
03:56Different doesn't mean less. Yeah, correct. Yeah
04:00But it's a bit hard to explain to a three-year-old like that. But as long as I see him happy, okay
04:07when you got
04:08Divorced were you concerned about how these kids will be?
04:13will be raised or how they would react to
04:16My biggest concern was actually the confusion. Okay. Yeah, because they
04:22at such young age, they cannot grasp the
04:26The
04:27Concept of relationships yet, right? So I was a bit scared that he would
04:33he would be confused like and say and things that
04:38He is a cause of this
04:40so
04:41But alhamdulillah so far. I'm I'm not saying all those it's okay
04:46Shifting from mommy's house to daddy's house not confused anything. And also when I asked him
04:52You sayang mommy more or daddy more he would say sayang mommy daddy sama
04:59Okay, so I I guess like there's no bad mouth
05:03That's very important. Of course. I I mean I have to admit that like again
05:10You know, the the ideal picture is that both parents don't badmouth each other
05:14They're very civilized when it comes to separation, but it's not always the case. So
05:20Sometimes when things go sour and you know parents don't get along it can get very messy
05:27So I think for you, you're very very fortunate
05:30Yeah, because it makes everything so much easier, especially for the boys who can now like say, okay
05:36You know what grow up and look at this as somewhat normal is your family. Have you ever experienced?
05:43divorce in your family that's
05:46That's why because it would it's a bit hard for me because I grew up in a normal basic
05:53Two parents in one house family. Okay, so I can't read I don't like empathy. I cannot really put myself
06:01In my kids shoes, right? Right what I can do is just acknowledge their feelings
06:07Give them give them the secure. Yeah
06:11And make them feel safer, yeah
06:14Give the same amount of love that I've been given before
06:17Do you find that um, sometimes in my do you think they have tantrums, but you know, do you think they act differently?
06:24After the separation. No, I have me last so far so good, but I
06:31I'm scared that they will compare like when you know how us moms like we do the
06:37Disciplinary things like by 10 you sleep by 7 you
06:42Monday
06:44But when they're at their debts, like no rules apply. Yeah, so I'm a bit scared that they will compare
06:50Oh, that is the fun fun part that mommy is the boring discipline part, right?
06:56I I get you because through experience so a little background is that when I
07:02Decided to have a divorce with my ex
07:05My kids were 10 my eldest was 10 8 and maybe I think it was like 4 and 3
07:13Definitely for a 10 year old versus a 3 year old. It's a very different story
07:18I mean I had to sit down and I had to actually you know, it's the thing is yeah
07:23The thing is it he as a 10 year old
07:25I'm pretty sure he saw it coming because I was in a marriage were just things were the house was full of tension
07:32There were lots of fights going on there was a lot of screaming going on there was a lot of
07:37Physical abuse going on. So, you know as a mother it was a hard decision to decide. Okay, this is it
07:43That's it. I don't want to do this anymore, you know, I don't want my kids to witness this anymore
07:47So even though my 10 year old at that time saw everything and and saw the negatives
07:53He was still very upset when I told him that we were not going to live together
07:59He was upset because to him a normal life was having
08:04Parents. Yeah mom and dad together. Yeah mom and dad picking me up from school and now he's 18
08:09He's now shared with me that yeah at school. I would have been I was so upset
08:13I was so upset that I didn't tell my friends that you guys went through a divorce
08:19We I just kept it quiet. I pretended everything was normal until I was just ready to tell my friends
08:26Which was like years later
08:28he always I want to say maybe and meet his
08:33his his friends parents for being together and I always had to
08:39Remind him the reason why I pointed at him is because he was the one that understood the most
08:45He had to always
08:48Be reminded that not just mommy and daddy still loves you
08:51I couldn't have that sort of conversation with her because he was he was just like I don't care you guys got a divorce
08:56So technically that is not love to me, you know, technically you hate me you want to make my life like really bad
09:03You targeted me. He felt like a target
09:08He didn't because I again with through conversations I reminded him like it's it's not your fault
09:14But regardless how much you tell somebody that's above a certain age like 10 year old 15 year old
09:21They will always look at it as yes, it was somewhat my fault I could have done better
09:26I could have not maybe bothered my parents when you know this and this I don't I don't know honestly till this day
09:33I don't know what went through his mind. But all I know is that he definitely felt embarrassed that my mom and dad
09:40Were were divorced and he felt very angry but with boys, they're very different. They don't communicate
09:47They keep it all in they don't want to talk about it. I'm okay. Everything's fine, but
09:53He showed it through naughty behavior bad grades. He showed it through
09:59You know acting up as they get older
10:03They start understanding things more because they are now becoming young adults. So you have to always kind of reset
10:12Like, you know the set three, okay, cool
10:15You don't need that conversation, but when they hit four five six seven, you constantly have to re
10:22Do we have another conversation again? Yeah, I so tiring
10:28It's like choose your heart you want to be in the marriage that you're unhappy with or you want to be you know
10:32What I mean questions
10:34I'm sure honestly when you now living a single life. I mean, I think a lot of in Asian culture
10:41It's a taboo, right? Yes. It's a big taboo like oh
10:46You know, it's not really anymore it's a common thing. Unfortunately, it's a common thing. I know unfortunately it's a common thing
10:54To the divorce, but did you I mean, how did your family take it? Oh
10:58My family was very supportive of my decision as long as you are happy. His family was very supportive of me as well
11:07That is so nice. Yeah
11:09Nice yeah
11:11How did you manage like how give advice for those who don't have a civil
11:18Divorce. Yeah me before he went to the his to his family. I went to his family first. I said
11:26This happened that I don't think I can take it anymore
11:31I've been holding on for too long now and the family supports everything. Hey as long as
11:38You are happy because if this happens to my
11:42Daughter the mother-in-law said I would I would ask her to go as well. Yeah, so it's very fortunate for me
11:49Yeah to have such good in-laws, right? Right? Yeah, because it makes everything easier
11:54even until this day for her for his sister's wedding I do the
12:01Preparations and the decorations everything. I'm very close to their family. Oh, that's so nice. So you still have a
12:08Relationship with everyone. So as a single mom, do you?
12:12Sometimes feel overwhelmed. Mm-hmm, you know, yeah, do you do you feel like sometimes you just just want to break down and cry a
12:20lot of times
12:23But
12:25I just tell myself that it's okay. It's a hard day today, but that's fine. Good morning. So another day and
12:32I just give myself a breather like
12:37Sometimes a short escape of social media
12:39It's okay also for me like can I just grow my phone for a while like things like that, you know, or maybe
12:45Just hide in a bathroom. Everyone has done that right guilty
12:49Just take your time acknowledge the feeling and know that it's okay. Everyone else is facing the same thing also
12:55Yeah, you're not alone. Yeah, I think that acknowledging the feeling also good support system because I'm staying with my parents. So I
13:03Tell them everything what I feel when I'm happy or when I'm sad every single thing so I don't really feel the
13:11Loneliness yet, right? Yeah, right, right. I get you. I I mean we have a very different story
13:19Honestly, we have I mean it's hearing you
13:22Go through a very civil divorce having a very um, like, you know, not being alone
13:28I think that's the hardest thing when you become a single mom. It's just feeling so alone regardless how busy you are
13:35So I always ask like how long I was I divorced before I got remarried, okay ten years I
13:42Was but where you at now within ten years. No, thanks
13:49and I will I will I will you know acknowledge that because I
13:52Definitely had very like a lot of moments where like you mentioned you broke down you cried you had
14:00like the tantrum your own tantrum you
14:03Cried in the bathroom. You needed a moment to yourself. I had all that I've been through all of that
14:07I actually think it's completely normal. I think there's nothing wrong with it. And there's nothing wrong with admitting that you
14:14You had you know, you struggled because the real story is that you you're going to struggle
14:19Like I said, you either decide which you decide which heart you want
14:23You want the hard where you're in a marriage unhappy every day?
14:27Where it turns out to have a bit could possibly have unhappy kids
14:32Yes, or do you want your kids to look at you the other way and say my mom's really happy
14:37But yes, you struggle and like you mentioned, I mean we had a little chit-chat before like getting
14:43Going through a divorce
14:44It's like a reset for I want to say for yourself because you kind of
14:49Try to find yourself again. You kind of find a new friend. Yeah, which is yourself and you kind of for me
14:55It was finding my own best friend again, because I didn't know I didn't know her. I didn't know me
15:00I didn't know what I wanted right so going through that whole journey, and I'm actually excited for you
15:06Going through the whole journey of trying to find yourself again as a single mom this time because now you have responsibilities of two kids
15:12It's not just about yourself anymore, which is
15:16Very honorable honestly because now that you have responsibility you are more responsible, right?
15:23All right, hopefully I don't know. I don't know
15:26once you find your
15:28You know yourself again, then I guess that's when only Allah knows that you're ready for another relationship and saying saying that
15:37Do you think you know now like do you think you're ready for a relationship now?
15:42Do you want to start you know like like as you said?
15:46Maybe I'm in the process of finding myself first like from the moment that I asked for divorce
15:52I know that I'm putting my myself first now so
15:57from day one of divorce I tell myself you have to love yourself because it's been a I
16:04would say toxic marriage before that so
16:07I've been putting every everyone else
16:10Before me, but now that I'm like my my not I wouldn't say wings are clipped
16:16But now that I'm free I have to practice myself achieve all my goals practice my kids. Yeah
16:24Yeah, and then once I find myself now, maybe I will open up my heart later, right?
16:31Yeah, that's why I wanted to ask you just now
16:34How do I how do you even start to open your heart to anyone else like with the emotional baggage that you bring
16:41Yeah, that's okay. I would say
16:45That's a good question. Actually, that's a very good question because you know what?
16:49Here's the thing at the very beginning of the divorce when I became a single mom
16:53I didn't want to find another loved one. I didn't want it and I never prayed for it
16:59I never cared for it. And what happened was um, I
17:03Feel this is honestly a true story is that I feel only once I felt like okay
17:09I'm ready to date and I'm ready to find a husband. I made dua and Allah answered
17:15You know, I mean if your heart doesn't want it and you didn't make the one for it all the reflex
17:21Yes, you will you only see a red flag? Yeah
17:24But the thing is is that when I felt like I was ready
17:27Well, what happened was I felt like my kids were getting older and they didn't need me anymore
17:32like I think that's what happened was that the fact that like my son was getting older and he was just like, you know on
17:38His own world of dating whatever my daughter was in her own world, too
17:42And I just and my two little kids were actually more dependent on the older kids
17:48Yeah, I was kind of like, all right, what are you now, you know, and then they moved away and then that's when I actually
17:55Made dua to say, okay, I'm ready to find someone and then sure enough that happened
17:59So things come when you least expect it. Yeah, definitely when you least expect it. So I do feel like it's not bad thing
18:07Not that I'm encouraging divorce. I'm just saying that it's not me
18:10Yeah, because I think people look down upon it a lot especially in Asian cultures where they're like, oh, she's she's a divorce
18:18And it's a it's a failure. It's a failure. She's a failure, you know
18:24Yeah, she's a failure. She is the one that broke off the last marriage
18:27So, you know be careful with that one and um, we go through our stages in life
18:31Okay
18:32Like I want to say the 20 year old me is not the same as the me today
18:36Because I was very mature at that time
18:38I was you know, I wanted you know
18:40I was a little bit more selfish and now that you grow older you want different needs in the marriage and or as a mom
18:47You know, so you have different different things that you that you look for, right?
18:53So when you find yourself, yeah, and then again because your kids are
18:58looking at you and they're looking at you as a
19:01You know, that's my role model
19:03So whatever you do, remember that kids are like sponges, right? They copycat everything
19:09Including the strength including the strength that you will build for yourself. Yeah. Yeah any more questions for me?
19:15I felt like she wanted to interview me. Yeah
19:18Yeah
19:20Being a single person like single parent now for 11 months. How do you think it's shaped you as a person?
19:26It teaches me to multitask
19:29Actually, yeah
19:31Of course very important skill in life, by the way. It's important still skill. Yes, because
19:36sometimes I'm a
19:38Mom, but I have to juggle I have to do both. I have to do the daddy stuff. I said I have to do all the
19:46You know
19:47Fun things that don't that moms don't really do like carry all the them and go pushing pushing on the head like that
19:55yeah, but I have to do that and I have to
19:59Be the mom who does the discipline the taxi driver the home the private chef. Yeah
20:08So wearing all these different hats. Yeah, it's hard. You're right. It's overwhelming
20:14And I think even
20:16Yeah, even me when I when I went through that it was overwhelming. But do you find it's manageable like yes
20:23But I would definitely say because I live with my parents now, okay
20:27So sometimes when I feel like it's too much for me to handle. Can you just go to talk mana? I just do that
20:34That's so nice
20:36Yeah, that's like a helping hand. Right if I were to do it alone
20:40I'm not sure if I can be be like you like yeah
20:44You know, how do you find like, you know doing activities with them?
20:48So do you find your mind gets boggled with a lot of things as you're doing first son once it
20:53I was a bit sad when you say that
20:56Mommy, mom. I only went mommy daddy
21:00Adam and Ali stay together. So I'm like, oh
21:04Conversation like family
21:07Like the Peppa Pig so I'm like, okay
21:11He's getting this from the TV. Not like from the emotional. Okay taking it
21:16How did you how did you handle that? What did you say? I said family stays in
21:22Stays together, but our family is different you you have mommy's house and daddy's house
21:28You you have two houses better than Peppa Pig
21:32So, okay, that's good. Okay, but he felt that though like, you know, you told him that and again kids
21:39They're told they just my mom says do that. Okay, I'll do that, you know, but they're they're told how to be
21:46You know, like do you think he felt sad?
21:49Do you think he he felt like, you know that confused or just like, okay. My mom tells me just be happy. I'll be happy
21:57Maybe at that age at three years old, maybe he would feel like oh then I just have to be happy
22:02Okay, then I'm happy maybe a bit confused. That's why I'm scared when you ask me about
22:07My biggest concern about the divorce is now right? I said the fear of confusion
22:13Because I'm scared if he's confused like how am I supposed to feel about this whole thing? Correct, but I always
22:21Acknowledge his feeling and say that it's okay to be to feel this way if you're sad
22:26just tell me you're saying you're happy tell me you're happy, but
22:32Being
22:33Being having a divorce parents is not any less than any other. Yeah, it's true
22:39And if anything in my experience when I got a divorce
22:43I felt like my ex-husband actually stepped up to be a dad
22:46My one of my complaints when he was when we were together was the fact that oh my god, I'm doing everything
22:52I'm doing the school runs and why don't you you know, I'm doing the activities. I'm taking them horse
22:56I am taking them, you know bullying and I'm just so tired. Why don't you help me and do anything?
23:01When we got separated he stepped up and decided okay
23:05I'm gonna take them horse riding and I'm gonna take them, you know, so sometimes it like you said, it's never less, you know
23:12Sometimes it's just better for the family that way. So
23:15Yeah, so looking back or you know the last 11 months you've been a single parent do you it's is there something that
23:24Very proud moment. What was the proudest moment as being a single parent?
23:29Ali once told me like like out of nowhere. He came to me like mommy. You're so strong like spider-man
23:35Like okay
23:38But I think maybe he sees me going doing things here and there and doing my work and then I'm attending to my
23:47Youngest boy, so he said like mommy you're doing a lot of things. You're so strong like spider-man
23:53So I think I can say I'm proud with all the things that I can provide them
24:00Despite being a single mom like nothing less than what I provided them before
24:05When I have another helping hand, yeah, so that's what I'm really proud of
24:10Yeah, not not not like a big change for my kids, right? And the fact that they I
24:17Hope anyways, they have a happier mom
24:19Yes, you know that that is something very important a message that I have to send out to you listeners out
24:25There is the fact that whether you're together or a single parent
24:30You have to make sure that you're just a happy parent, you know happy doesn't mean always happy
24:34Of course, we're not always happy but a meaning that your children were all overall
24:38Feel the happiness and as human. Yeah, and as a human beings, they will grow up knowing this is what happiness is
24:45They will grow up knowing
24:47Being grateful for what what what they have, you know
24:50And it's the same with us like regardless what situation we're in should always just be grateful for it, you know
24:56because I think that
24:58Actually helped me pull through as a single mom because otherwise I think I'd I mean I lost it many times
25:04but
25:05You know, I I think the hardest thing was the fact for me was to financially keep up, you know
25:11And that's a reason why I became a content creator. It was that that helped me financially
25:15which was
25:17Like you said wearing so many different hats. It was just so many different hats
25:21But anyways, I do want to thank you so much for sharing your experience as a single mom
25:26that's actually very important for a lot of our listeners out there because it's something that sometimes we
25:32You know, it's hard to talk about yeah, yes a very taboo thing
25:36Something that people thinks needs to be whispered right like why can't you just be proud of where you are now?
25:43At least you are happy. Mmm
25:45Yeah. Yeah. Thank you very much. I know it's a hard knock life, but thank you everyone for following and
25:53Letty it's really nice to meet you. Thank you for inviting as well. Yeah, I'll see you guys next time
26:01You