Tell Me Why podcast host Maria Botros speaks to Family Coach, Jasmine Navarro, about the importance of creating a safe space for children by actively listening to their questions and concerns.
Lack of effective communication within families seems to be the main challenge both parents and children face these days
Active listening exercises help parents learn how to build a sustainable relationship with their children
Parents should validate their children's feelings, each feeling has a message
It's normal to feel anxious about schools restarting, it's how we respond to the anxiety that matters
Parents should avoid forcing their children to do or feel a certain way
See more videos at https://gulfnews.com/videos
Read more Gulf News stories here: https://bit.ly/2HLJ2km
Subscribe to Gulf News on YouTube and watch more of our videos: https://www.youtube.com/user/GulfNewsTV
#UAEnews #podcast #children
Lack of effective communication within families seems to be the main challenge both parents and children face these days
Active listening exercises help parents learn how to build a sustainable relationship with their children
Parents should validate their children's feelings, each feeling has a message
It's normal to feel anxious about schools restarting, it's how we respond to the anxiety that matters
Parents should avoid forcing their children to do or feel a certain way
See more videos at https://gulfnews.com/videos
Read more Gulf News stories here: https://bit.ly/2HLJ2km
Subscribe to Gulf News on YouTube and watch more of our videos: https://www.youtube.com/user/GulfNewsTV
#UAEnews #podcast #children
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NewsTranscript
00:00Lack of effective communication within the family. I see that time and time again.
00:05Parents are not listening to their children, so children don't want to open up to their parents,
00:11so there's just no communication. And maybe a child is feeling really, you know, sad or low
00:16about something, but the parent might just say, oh it's okay, you'll be fine, don't worry. Right.
00:23So sort of not acknowledging those feelings, and I think we need to be acknowledged, especially as
00:29children, we need to be acknowledged, you know, and just to be told whatever your feeling is okay,
00:35there's no right or wrong, it's okay, it's part of being a human being.
00:45Welcome back to a brand new episode of Tell Me Why, which is a Gulf News original podcast.
00:50Today's episode coincides with the back to school season, so a lot of children are back to school,
00:57and that is a tough period for kids these days, that first day of school,
01:02or even that first week, and it is also tough on parents. There are a lot of emotions,
01:06there's a transitioning back to school after a long period of just holidays and vacations and,
01:14you know, sleep routines that are disrupted. So joining me in the studio today is Jasmine Navarro,
01:19who is a family well-being expert, or a family coach, as she likes to call it.
01:26Jasmine, welcome to our studio, how are you?
01:28Hi Maria, thank you so much for having me, I'm good, thanks.
01:31So before we get started, tell us about your background. So you are a family coach,
01:36tell us about your experience as a family coach and even as a teacher,
01:39because you used to teach for a very long time, so you've dealt with children for quite some time now.
01:44Exactly, yes, so I was a teacher for about 18 years, I think.
01:49Wow.
01:50Yeah, I know, it makes me feel really old thinking about it, and I taught in 11 countries,
01:55and I taught primary, secondary and adults.
01:58Amazing.
01:59Yeah, so I had quite a lot of experience doing that, and then I became a coach.
02:05Okay.
02:06So I wanted to help teenagers with self-confidence, anxiety, you know, emotional regulation,
02:13effective communication, and all of those things.
02:16Teaching in 11 countries, has that shown you that, you know,
02:21children everywhere have the same struggles?
02:23No, exactly, children have the same struggles.
02:26Everywhere.
02:27And I just thought, yeah, emotions speak the same language,
02:29wherever you are, wherever I was, it was the same.
02:32I really like that, emotions speak the same language, that's actually fantastic.
02:37Yeah.
02:37And did teaching inspire you to become a family coach?
02:41Actually, it was my own, when I was a teenager, I went through my own difficult challenges.
02:48Okay.
02:49And I had, like, I went through traumatic grief.
02:52But anyway, so that led me to leave the UK and become a teacher.
02:56Right.
02:58And after, like, 18 years of teaching, I just thought, you know,
03:02I really want to change my career.
03:03And then I found coaching, at the beginning, I decided to coach adults.
03:07But then I remembered when I was a teenager,
03:09and the tools and techniques I learned through my coach training,
03:13I just thought they would have benefited me so much when I was growing up.
03:16So then I thought, I need to share this with teenagers today.
03:21You mentioned you went through grief, and that's what led you to leave the UK.
03:26Do you mind telling us about that?
03:28Yeah, sure.
03:29So I was 18, and I was really close to my stepdad, he brought me up.
03:35And him and my mum, they were separated.
03:41And I didn't see him for a while.
03:43And then I went to my friend's house.
03:45And then one day, she just said, Oh, did you know that he's died?
03:48And she found out in the newspaper, the local newspaper.
03:53So, you know, I went home and I told my mum, I said, Oh, my God, you know, he's died.
03:59And then she went out, got the newspaper.
04:01And she said, Yes, and he's never coming back.
04:04And it just, I don't know what happened.
04:09I was, I just froze.
04:11I just felt like I was hit with so, so many emotions.
04:16And I just lost, completely lost myself, lost everything, lost myself.
04:22And, you know, I didn't have any emotional awareness anyway,
04:25because we didn't really have that effective communication.
04:27So I probably would never have been prepared for that.
04:31But I wasn't prepared at all.
04:33I didn't have any access to my inner resources.
04:37So, you know, I did.
04:39I was depressed for about eight years on and off.
04:42It was a long time, because I just blamed myself.
04:46You know, there was a lot of things to that story.
04:49So I really blamed myself.
04:50And I didn't feel like I deserved to grieve because he wasn't my real dad.
04:56And nobody around me was acknowledging it.
04:58You know, everybody was just getting on with their lives.
05:00My friends were 18.
05:02So they were just going out having fun.
05:05And I was just like, but, you know, I've just lost, my life is just shattered, crumbled.
05:13And I just isolated myself.
05:16I didn't want to talk to anyone because I didn't want to, I couldn't do anything.
05:21So I just, nobody understood me.
05:22So I just wanted to be on my own.
05:24So, but eventually I worked through it.
05:28Like I said, eight years, because finally, I stopped blaming myself.
05:31But I didn't have any help or anything.
05:33I just came to that conclusion by myself.
05:35And I think, had I have had help, or somebody to really talk to and understand,
05:41then it would have maybe would have been quicker.
05:43I don't know.
05:44I don't know.
05:45Really sorry that you had to go through that.
05:48And as I mentioned, I mean, it's great to see that children these days
05:54are getting the help that they need.
05:56The things that we missed out on, maybe, it still gives you peace to feel like, you know what,
06:02at least it's not the case anymore.
06:04And there are more resources in a way.
06:06I think so, I think so.
06:08You mentioned blaming yourself.
06:09Do you mind me asking why you were blaming yourself?
06:12I know.
06:13This is, so this is another part to the story.
06:16Okay.
06:17So my mom just said, when he died, she said he probably committed suicide.
06:24Okay.
06:26Um, but she didn't know, but we just knew that he was really, really unhappy,
06:29because he had a lot of problems.
06:31So I think that's where it came from.
06:34Okay.
06:35Because years later, I learned that when there is a suicide in the family,
06:40you do blame yourself.
06:42Of course.
06:42That's quite a normal reaction.
06:44Yeah.
06:44So I just blamed myself.
06:46And then, you know, I was feeling all these emotions.
06:49I didn't know what I was feeling.
06:50So many completely knocked me out.
06:53And, you know, I didn't like those emotions, probably.
06:56So I began not to like myself.
06:59Plus, I was blaming myself.
07:01So it was self-destruction, self-destruction.
07:04My goodness, that must have been very tough to work through.
07:07And, uh,
07:08Yes.
07:08And imagine.
07:09So for eight years, I believed that.
07:13But then after 10 years, I found out he, it wasn't a suicide.
07:17I didn't find out until 10 years time.
07:19Wow.
07:20Yeah.
07:20So imagine.
07:21So imagine.
07:22I grieved a suicide.
07:23Yeah.
07:24And, and the thing is, is that it goes back to what you were saying.
07:26It's all in your head.
07:28Like with, with, with kids and teenagers, a lot of the struggles are just in their head.
07:33And it's not even real.
07:35That's, that's fantastic.
07:36You know, when you can relate back to like personal experiences and you feel,
07:40you know, I wish I could have had that kind of support growing up.
07:43And you know what, I want to give back.
07:44Like I want to do that for, for everyone else that needs it.
07:48So in your experience as a teacher and as a family coach,
07:52what are some of the main challenges that children face?
07:54I think a lot of challenges that they come to me with, um, wanting to be perfect.
08:01I hear this a lot.
08:02I need to be perfect.
08:04Um, the pressure that they're putting on themselves,
08:07maybe exam pressure, peer pressure,
08:09the pressure that they're putting on themselves is actually much, um, heavier.
08:13Um, anxiety, not fitting in, bullying, being alone.
08:20So many teenagers I work with, they don't have any friends.
08:24That's so sad.
08:24It's so sad.
08:25And they spend so much time alone, maybe thinking about their problems.
08:29And then, you know, they just isolate them, isolate themselves even more.
08:34And it just spirals.
08:36Yeah.
08:36If they don't get the help that they need at the time.
08:39Yeah.
08:39And do you feel like some students, um, might still feel alone even if they do have friends?
08:44I think so.
08:45Yeah.
08:45If they're not talking, if they're not being themselves.
08:48Right.
08:48If they're trying to be somebody else to fit in, then definitely they can feel alone.
08:53Exactly.
08:54So it's about really expressing themselves and accepting themselves for who they are
08:58and showing others who they are so friends can accept them for who they are.
09:02But I think this is the problem sometimes.
09:04And, and peer pressure is a big one.
09:06I feel a lot of us fall into that even as adults.
09:10Like there's always peer pressure.
09:11You know, you think after all these years and after all these coping mechanisms and
09:15all these books and self-development methods, you know, we'd be able to eradicate peer pressure,
09:20but we haven't been able to.
09:22Do you feel like that still affects children these days?
09:25I think so, because I think, you know, they want to fit in.
09:28And even as adults, sometimes we want to fit in.
09:31So it's about being accepted by others.
09:34But I think that always comes from how we accept ourselves.
09:38It always comes from ourselves, the relationship we have with ourselves.
09:41So that's what I work with them on, building that relationship with themselves so they
09:45can really accept who they are and love themselves.
09:48Right.
09:48Which is a whole process in itself.
09:51So speaking about the process, actually, what does that entail?
09:54Like, what do you actually do to get the, like, tell us briefly, I know this is a long
09:59journey and you spend so much time with these children to help them gain that confidence.
10:04But can you tell us briefly, like, what are some of the methods that you use, like how
10:07you help them as a coach?
10:09I think the first thing is, you know, I say to them, you know, whatever you say, it's
10:14not right or wrong.
10:15So there's no judgment here.
10:17It's a safe space.
10:18You know, I'm not expecting you to say anything or not say anything.
10:22So I think that helps to make them relaxed.
10:25And, you know, I listen.
10:28I think a lot of active listening goes in.
10:31And, you know, I don't jump in and try to fix them because they don't need to be fixed.
10:36It's like I help them find their voice.
10:39So I do that by active listening, lots of questioning, lots and lots of questioning.
10:44So what do you think about this?
10:46What's important about that for you?
10:48What do you love?
10:48You know, all of these open questions and, you know, validating them.
10:55You know, it's OK.
10:56Whatever your feeling is OK.
10:57There's no positive or negative feelings.
11:00Each feeling has a message and we just need to listen to that message.
11:05And just, you know, and I don't force them to do anything.
11:07That's really, really important.
11:09I really have a gentle approach.
11:11And, you know, some teenagers and children might open up straight away, but others take
11:17longer and that's fine, too.
11:18You know, they can open up as much or as little as they want to.
11:21It's all about their time, their space.
11:25Yeah, so I think that really does help.
11:27And eventually they open up and then we more questions, more questions, more questions,
11:33more questions.
11:34It's always questions.
11:35That's really nice.
11:36I find it, you know, you said something that was really beautiful.
11:40I'm not there to fix them.
11:41There's nothing to fix.
11:42It's just a matter of helping them find themselves.
11:46They're not broken.
11:47And I think a lot of children might feel that way.
11:50They feel like they're broken.
11:53They feel like they're not good enough.
11:55So that's one thing that I really liked with what you were saying.
11:58And active listening, that really resonated.
12:02Do you feel like parents are not listening enough to their kids these days?
12:06I think so.
12:07I think in general, people don't, we don't listen, do we?
12:10I mean, I've just, I mean, I listen more now since coaching and things like that.
12:15But I think in general, we don't listen.
12:17And I think we just always jump in and we want to offer that solution.
12:21We feel like that's what we need to do.
12:24But actually, most of the time, we just need to listen and don't say anything.
12:30You know, and just that feeling of being heard, seen and heard.
12:36That helps us feel validated, important.
12:39And we will always find our own solutions anyway.
12:41You know, if somebody's listening to you, you can figure out the answers yourself, can't you?
12:45Exactly.
12:45It's just nice to have that person there holding the space.
12:48Yes.
12:49Rarely, we want to do what someone's telling us to do.
12:52Exactly.
12:53Same for teenagers.
12:54Yes, exactly.
12:56Okay, so let's move towards the parents a bit.
13:01What do you feel like the challenges are with parents?
13:04I think it's a lack of effective communication within the family.
13:09Okay.
13:10I really feel like that's, I see that time and time again.
13:14Parents are not listening to their children.
13:16So children don't want to open up to their parents.
13:20So there's just no communication.
13:23And maybe a child is feeling really, you know, sad or low about something.
13:27But the parent might just say, oh, it's okay, you'll be fine.
13:31Don't worry.
13:32Right.
13:33So sort of not acknowledging those feelings.
13:35And I think we need to be acknowledged.
13:39Especially as children, we need to be acknowledged.
13:42You know, and just to be told, whatever your feeling is okay.
13:46There's no right or wrong.
13:47It's okay.
13:48It's part of being a human being.
13:50Right.
13:51We have these feelings, we will always have them.
13:53Of course, if they're feeling really, really anxious and depressed,
13:56and they can't get out of bed, then of course, that's something else.
13:59And that's not a normal situation.
14:03And maybe they need to see a therapist or psychologist.
14:06Right.
14:06But our normal feelings, you know, sadness, anxiety, if it's not debilitating,
14:14then we just need to accept these feelings and dig deeper as to why we're feeling them.
14:19Rather than dismissing them.
14:20Exactly.
14:22And suppressing them.
14:2420 years suppressing grief, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do.
14:28But it's actually no, we're supposed to feel the feelings.
14:31Yes.
14:31From like, the parents perspective.
14:34Yes.
14:34Yeah.
14:35I just want to go back to that because I feel like as parents, sometimes, you know,
14:39they'll do things unintentionally.
14:41They don't mean to dismiss their kids feelings.
14:44They don't mean to harm them with their words.
14:46They don't mean to put pressure.
14:48But sometimes, they just don't know the right way to do it.
14:51So do you find it for...
14:52Okay, so my question is a two-parter.
14:55Do you find it difficult to educate parents?
14:57Do you find like there's sometimes resistance?
15:00And secondly, how do you tell them that they need to change their ways with their kids?
15:06I think it always comes from the same thing.
15:09When I'm working with parents, I show them the techniques.
15:13They experience the techniques for themselves.
15:16So maybe we have an active listening exercise.
15:20They do it together.
15:22If it's a group workshop, then I would show them,
15:25they would do it in pairs or something like that.
15:27Or if it's me and the parent, I will do active listening with them
15:30and they can do it with me.
15:31So I really get them to experience these techniques.
15:35Because you can't just say, oh, listen to your children.
15:38Well, you can.
15:39But I think they need to experience and feel it for themselves.
15:43So it's about helping them increase their self-awareness.
15:46Right.
15:46Because they might not even know they're not listening or they have these habits.
15:50Exactly.
15:50Most of us don't know, do we?
15:52So it's about taking them through the techniques themselves.
15:57Right.
15:57Working on themselves.
15:59Yeah.
15:59I mean, I feel the key is that they're unaware.
16:02Totally, totally.
16:03Yeah.
16:04A lot of parents are unaware that they're making these...
16:07I want to say mistakes just because they can be rectified.
16:10I mean, it's not a big deal, but they can always be rectified once recognized.
16:14Going into back to school.
16:17And the name of our show is Tell Me Why.
16:20So I'm going to ask you why parents should not be anxious
16:26about their kids going back to school.
16:28That's true.
16:28It's a good question.
16:29But I wouldn't say they shouldn't feel anything.
16:32OK.
16:32Because when I'm working with teenagers' parents, it's all about accepting feelings.
16:37So they can feel that, but it's how they react, how they respond to their feelings.
16:43Great.
16:43So and sometimes you can feel anxious about being anxious.
16:47Right.
16:47So it's about responding, how they respond.
16:49So I'd say you can feel that, but what's making you feel like that?
16:53So I would dig deeper into that.
16:54But I think, you know, feeling anxious about change is a normal emotion.
17:03You know, when we're coming out of our comfort zone, we will feel anxious.
17:07And that's OK.
17:08It's just how we respond to the anxiety.
17:10So, yeah, it's not about what they shouldn't feel.
17:13It's about how they respond to feeling however they're feeling.
17:17And it's OK to feel anxious when they're going to school for the first...
17:22You know, a new school.
17:23It's the first day back.
17:24It's OK.
17:25They're probably not the only ones feeling this.
17:27Probably most of the children are feeling, having these insecurities and feeling this.
17:33That's OK.
17:34So I think the most important thing about that is it's OK to feel anxious on your first day
17:38back at school.
17:40But talk about it.
17:42Talk about it.
17:42So it's not just...
17:43So the child or a parent doesn't feel like they're the only ones feeling this.
17:49Because once you start isolating yourself with your feelings,
17:52they can become bigger and bigger and bigger and really can be overwhelming.
17:57Right.
17:57So it's about talking about it.
17:59It's OK.
18:00You know, when you talk about things and how you're feeling and somebody is just listening
18:04to you and said, that's OK, that's OK, I'm feeling the same or...
18:09You feel better.
18:10Yeah, it calms you down.
18:11It calms you down.
18:12And you feel connected to that other person.
18:14You don't feel alone.
18:16I think that's the danger is when we start feeling these emotions, but we feel alone.
18:21So communication.
18:23Definitely communication.
18:24OK.
18:24I think it's key.
18:25I like that.
18:26I think it's key with everything.
18:28With all relationships, with your friendships, with your marriage, with your kids, with everyone,
18:33with co-workers.
18:34I feel like communication is key.
18:36And it can be uncomfortable.
18:37Yeah.
18:38But it's OK to feel uncomfortable.
18:40Like, it's OK to feel uncomfortable.
18:43Yeah.
18:43We had Dr. Summer on the show last week.
18:47Yes.
18:47And she was discussing...
18:49Actually, two weeks ago.
18:50And she was discussing getting comfortable with the uncomfortable.
18:54Exactly.
18:54And I really like that.
18:56That really resonated because sometimes we are so scared and we make it seem like,
19:01oh my gosh, if I'm uncomfortable, that's the end of the world.
19:04It's OK.
19:05Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
19:07Face it and you'll see that it's not that big of a deal.
19:11We spoke about this before the show.
19:13My first day of school was always a nightmare.
19:16The night before, I could never sleep.
19:18I was always overthinking.
19:20I never communicated with my parents.
19:22I never wanted to show them that I was worried or scared.
19:26Yes.
19:26It was, in a way, I was trying to shield them from my anxiety and my challenges.
19:33And so I would rarely sleep that night before.
19:36I would always overthink.
19:38I'd think, would I still have the same friends?
19:40Would they still accept me?
19:41Am I still going to hang out with the same people?
19:44It was just all these thoughts rushing through my brain.
19:48And I could never make peace with it.
19:50And that first week was always, I was always sleep deprived.
19:53I was always worried.
19:54I was always nervous.
19:55What's your advice to, you know, kids going through that?
19:59That's such a good question.
20:00And I think so many children experience that.
20:03I remember experiencing all of those thoughts as well.
20:07Yeah.
20:07I think, I think it's about, you know, smiling.
20:11Like, I know that sounds, no, I don't mean just smiling.
20:14I mean, when they go to school, smiling at other people in their class,
20:18because probably they're feeling exactly the same.
20:22Yeah.
20:22So being that other person to, being the first person to say,
20:26do you want to come sit next to me?
20:28Or as soon as you break the ice and you start that conversation,
20:33you know, you'll make friends.
20:35You'll make new friends.
20:36And I think it's about, yeah, really being the first one to make the move.
20:43Right.
20:43If you're a parent, definitely have this conversation with your child.
20:47Like, how are you feeling about your first day at school?
20:49What are you most nervous about?
20:51What's the worst thing that can happen?
20:53You know, having those questions before,
20:56so the child doesn't feel completely alone.
21:00I mean, there's not really a straightforward, easy answer,
21:05you know, but I do think having the conversation helps.
21:09And telling your child, you know,
21:11you're definitely not the only one feeling this.
21:14And I just think it's really important to make time
21:18to have conversations with your child.
21:21You know, let them know that, you know,
21:25if they don't get the high grades in their exams or at school,
21:31you know, it's okay.
21:32It's okay.
21:35They can talk, let them feel like they can talk to you about anything.
21:39Right.
21:39You know, not just letting them feel comfortable
21:44with telling you the great news, the good things that have happened.
21:47Let them know that it's okay if things go wrong.
21:50You know, it's okay to make mistakes.
21:52It's okay not to be perfect.
21:54We're never going to be perfect.
21:56And I just think it's just, yeah,
21:59when your child feels safe and they can talk to you about anything,
22:04they will, you know,
22:06they won't go up and be on their own in their room
22:09and maybe look on the internet for answers.
22:12You know, they'll come to you.
22:13So I think it's about, you know, resist being angry with them.
22:20Just, you know, not judging them, listening to them,
22:23let them speak, ask them questions, but really, really listen.
22:27And I think naturally they will come to you.
22:31And when they can come to you straight away when there's a problem,
22:34the problem's solved rather than it escalating to something else.
22:40Just speaking about that actually made me think of another question.
22:43Okay.
22:43So something came to mind.
22:47How do you deal with children who have a bully in school?
22:52Yes, and this is quite common as well, unfortunately.
22:56You know, it normally happens, you know,
22:58teenagers that come to me that are being bullied,
23:00they are feeling really bad about themselves.
23:04They are beating themselves up, low confidence.
23:07They think they deserve the bullying.
23:09So first of all, we really work on helping them
23:13become conscious of what they're actually thinking
23:15and what they're saying to themselves every day.
23:18You know, and I would maybe say something like,
23:20what do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror in the morning?
23:24And it takes them a while to tell me, but normally it's, you know,
23:29oh, it's going to be a bad day or I look terrible or, you know,
23:33they're just criticising themselves.
23:35So we really work on that first, helping them become conscious.
23:39And then it's like, well, what can you say to yourself?
23:41What makes you feel better?
23:43You know, what words do you say to yourself?
23:45And how does it, how do they make you feel?
23:47So they just, the first step is being conscious of what they're saying.
23:51And then what do you want to say to yourself?
23:54And just, and then what action can you take at school?
23:57And just tiny, tiny, tiny steps each day that they choose to take.
24:04Gradually it helps them become more confident and start liking themselves.
24:11And then I don't know why, but the bullies just seem to disappear.
24:14The more confident they become, the bullies sort of disappear.
24:19I would just like to say, you know, it's a process as well, isn't it?
24:24You know, nothing happens overnight.
24:28And, you know, like when I work with teenagers, you know, it takes time.
24:31It does take time.
24:33It takes time to change our habits and how we talk to ourselves and all of this.
24:38And I think, and parents as well, I just think we all need to be able to work on ourselves.
24:44It's our responsibility, but sometimes we don't know how to do it.
24:47We might need some help.
24:48That's okay.
24:50But I think it's ultimately, it's about us at the end of the day, isn't it?
24:54Okay.
24:54Children, it's different, but for parents, I think we need to be able to work on ourselves
25:00and have the courage to listen to how we're feeling because it's not always easy.
25:06Jasmine, it was an absolute pleasure.
25:08Thank you so much.
25:09Thank you for joining us.
25:10And thank you for telling us your perspective and with dealing with children.
25:15And if there's one thing we can take away from today's episode is listen.
25:21I love that.
25:21Thank you so much, Maria.
25:22Yes, that's exactly it.
25:24Listen.
25:24That's it.