• 5 months ago
First broadcast 6th October 1992.

Tony has bought a van and an electric blanket and he intends to use them. Gary gets stuck in a lift with Deborah and hopes nobody rescues them.

Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00You
00:30Hey, guess what Neb left in the back of the van?
00:59It's a place in France, yeah, I know it is.
01:06Hey, hang on.
01:07Neb dropped a lot of acid in the 70s.
01:08You'd never know.
01:09He's got a brilliant sense of humour.
01:10Yeah, he must have to have sold you that van.
01:11No, I've just taken it out for a run.
01:12It's had the camshaft shaved.
01:13Oh, what a bastard.
01:14No, that's good.
01:15Oh, yes.
01:16Oh, yes.
01:17Oh, yes.
01:18Oh, yes.
01:19Oh, yes.
01:20Oh, yes.
01:21Oh, yes.
01:22Oh, yes.
01:23Oh, yes.
01:24Oh, yes.
01:25Oh, yes.
01:26Oh, yes.
01:27Oh, yes, that's good.
01:28Oh, yeah.
01:29Sorry, sorry.
01:30I thought you said he'd,
01:32er, shafted the camshaft.
01:34Do you reckon I should, er, tub it and wack in the tunnel-ram?
01:37It can't do any harm, can it?
01:39Yeah, it's got to be impressive for Deborah though, you see?
01:41She gave me a really hard time in the anus this morning.
01:44Ah, that'll be p.m. tea.
01:46Dorothy's just the same.
01:48One minute, you're cuddled up on the sofa watching a clothing show,
01:50and the next she's coming at you with a bread knife?
01:53Yeah.
01:54She caught me opening a mail.
01:55Oh.
01:56Well, to be fair, if I swelled up like a watermelon once a month,
01:59I think I'd get a bit annoyed.
02:03Didn't she say something about you irritating the crap out of her?
02:06No, it's not that. We're solid as a rock.
02:08It's our third anniversary tomorrow.
02:10Oh, since you met?
02:12No, since we first had sex.
02:14Well, both, actually, come to think of it.
02:17We're at this party, and basically she just couldn't help herself.
02:21Why? Did you shove a load of lager down her neck?
02:24Look, I don't need to get a girl drunk to seduce her.
02:27Oh, yeah.
02:28She was drunk, as it happens.
02:30We're in the back of this minicab,
02:32and I was sucking her earlobes, and she asked me in.
02:35What for? Coffee, eh?
02:37No, to get her earring out of my tongue.
02:39It went right through her hole.
02:41Anyway, before I've had to beg with her or anything like that,
02:45we're at it, on the stairs.
02:47Yeah, that's happened to me. Too wrecked to make it to the bedroom.
02:50Yeah. Well, she was anyway. What can I do?
02:53I woke up in the morning, her mother's hoovering round us on the landing.
02:57Parties, eh?
02:58Me and my mates used to have this rule
03:00that if you didn't get off with someone,
03:02you had to puke up on the host's sofa.
03:05Mind you, I'm glad I'm past all that pulling stuff.
03:08I mean, it's no fun, is it?
03:10I'll tell you what works, though. Yeah?
03:12You stand next to the best-looking bird at the party, right? Yeah.
03:15And you pretend you've got something in your eye, right? Yeah.
03:18Next thing you know, she's got her face so close to yours,
03:21you can't get it out of her throat.
03:23Or you just get some fat bloke with a bottle of Optrex.
03:27Or you're at a party chatting up a bird, right? Yeah.
03:31And she's playing it a bit cool. Right.
03:33So you point out another bird in the room
03:35and you bang on about how gorgeous she is. Yeah.
03:38And just let jealousy do the rest. Yeah.
03:40That works, does it? It did for this bloke I knew.
03:44He'd been chatting to this girl, got her jealous,
03:46after five minutes, I found him upstairs
03:48at it like a couple of Mormons underneath the guests' coats.
03:51Brilliant! No, it wasn't, it was my girlfriend.
03:55I couldn't go near my parker after I'd seen where the hood had been.
04:01Someone's dumped a hideous old van outside your flat.
04:04That's mine, I've just bought it.
04:07I'll tell you another good one.
04:09You stand next to a good-looking bird at a party, right?
04:12And you make yourself look all pale.
04:14I'm not sure if Dorothy's going to be that interested in this one.
04:17And then you tell her you're suffering from this progressive wasting disease
04:20and she sleeps with you out of sympathy.
04:22Oh, yeah, Gary tried that one on me when we first met.
04:25What was it you were dying of, Gary? I can't remember.
04:28I think you can. Terminal Verrucas.
04:31That's it.
04:37It's a great van, this, isn't it?
04:39Yes, it's a great van, Tony.
04:43Where are we picking up Deborah?
04:45Carpark level one.
04:46Oh, tremendous.
04:48We have to sit around in a cross between a concrete coffin and a toilet
04:51waiting for Miss Wet Dream.
04:55Dorothy, is there some little problem you'd like to talk over with us?
05:04You just drove over that man's dog.
05:09Er, it was a brick.
05:12Dog.
05:13Oh, for God's sake, cheer up, Dorothy, will you, please?
05:17I've got a nice little surprise for you later on tonight.
05:20Does it involve baby oil, tights and a stopwatch like your last little surprise?
05:44Hold the lift.
05:47Oh, it's you.
05:49Ah, plenty of room in here.
05:51Doesn't that sign say out of order?
05:53Ah, it's probably just the kids mucking around.
05:57Nice and snug in here, isn't it?
05:59Excuse me.
06:07Going down?
06:10Ah, going down.
06:12Catfish, dentures and rubber underwear.
06:18It's not working, open the doors.
06:20No, I'll try again.
06:21No!
06:24What's happening?
06:26Push the button to open the doors.
06:28I did.
06:35Oh, great.
06:36We're stuck.
06:38Oh, dear.
06:57Yeah, the tailgate's nice and low, you see,
06:59so you can get heavy objects in and out easily.
07:02Hmm, fascinating.
07:05I thought I might flare out the wheel arches and put wider wheels in.
07:07What do you reckon?
07:08Absolutely.
07:11Yeah, this is actually sound body work.
07:13Shut up about the van now, Tony.
07:15It's a stupid van, it's not even a nice van.
07:19You don't think it's a nice van?
07:21Yes, I'm sorry, it's lovely, I was joking.
07:26I'll be stripping out all the old carpets.
07:28Stop talking about vans now, Tony, please.
07:35Oh.
07:42Did I tell you about this motorbike I own, Rob?
07:44Oh, God!
07:48Oh, I'm sorry.
07:51Don't take it personally, it's just that...
07:54Well, I'm worried about me and Gary.
07:56Oh, don't worry, it's got an MOT.
07:58Forget vans, Tony!
08:01OK.
08:02I'm talking about my so-called relationship with Gary.
08:05What's wrong with it?
08:07Oh, I don't know.
08:09We just...
08:10We just don't excite each other anymore.
08:12It's just going nowhere.
08:14You don't want to go in for all that seduction nonsense anymore, do you?
08:18Well, yes, actually.
08:20What, one-handling doing the bra strap without dropping your kebab,
08:22that sort of stuff?
08:26Oh.
08:28No, I'm talking about seduction,
08:30not drunken penetration behind a bingo hall.
08:34You know,
08:36passion,
08:37love and respect between two people that might love each other.
08:40Might that be possible within the context of an enduring relationship?
08:45I'm sorry, you lost me after penetration.
08:52Tell me about your van, Tony.
08:57Those two are taking their time, aren't they?
08:59Gary likes to think he's a careful shopper.
09:02He got banned from Boots once for testing the products.
09:05I can imagine him with all them free aftershaves.
09:08This is a barbecue, actually.
09:12I mean, the suppositories were bad enough.
09:19What have you bought?
09:20Oh, something for Gary.
09:22He's probably forgotten, but it's our third anniversary.
09:25Oh, silk boxer shorts.
09:28Girlfriend of mine once bought me a pair of these.
09:29Oh, nice.
09:30Yeah, except mine were nylon.
09:32I had so much static in me trousers,
09:34they kept setting off next door's burglar alarm.
09:39Did you ever see that film where this couple got stuck in a lift
09:42and they had to huddle up so close together just to keep warm?
09:46Someone super-glued this together.
09:49Yeah.
09:50And then it got so hot that they had to strip right down to their pants.
09:55Gary, I am giving a dinner party tonight.
09:58It's important that I get out of here.
10:01Sure.
10:02Help!
10:03I never touched you!
10:05I'm trying to get us rescued.
10:08I'm sorry.
10:13Well, it's your turn.
10:19No, it's your turn to shout for help.
10:22I'm sorry.
10:25What's the matter with you, Deborah? You've been a bit moody all week.
10:28Never mind.
10:31Help!
10:33Help!
10:36Help!
10:42If it's PMT, you've only got to say,
10:44because believe me, you girls have my every sympathy.
10:48I'm surprised you get a wee bit tetchy every now and again.
10:52Is it true it feels like somebody's stuffed your pelvis
10:54full of wire coat hangers?
10:57No, Gary, it's worse.
10:59It's like being stuck in a lift with you.
11:02Sorry, I don't understand.
11:04Is anybody there?
11:07It's not all beer and Skittles being a man.
11:10If women had to shave every day,
11:12it'd put a mild tummy ache into perspective, I can tell you.
11:16It's not PMT.
11:21What is it, then?
11:22Do you feel there's got to be more to life than this?
11:26Worried that you might not be using your body enough?
11:29No.
11:30My area manager is coming for supper.
11:33I'm already worried about losing my job,
11:35and all the men I meet are stupid or ugly.
11:38Or both.
11:43At least you're not letting it get you down.
11:52Here.
11:53I got this for Dorothy.
11:55It's her favourite brandy.
11:57But if you think it'll calm you down,
11:59why don't you have a drop?
12:01No, thank you.
12:03Oh.
12:04Don't mind if I do.
12:13How long are we going to be stuck here?
12:16Who knows?
12:19I've got something in my eye, Deborah.
12:21Shut up, Kevin.
12:26Well, you may have lost your job,
12:29but at least we've got some nice tuck.
12:31Sardine?
12:35No.
12:37We could be stuck here for days.
12:39It's a good job I've bought some nutritional food.
12:44Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
12:47I didn't mean to say good job.
12:49Thoughtless.
12:52Still, this lift might be not working for us.
12:56Sorry.
12:58I didn't mean to say not working.
13:00I've done it again.
13:01Oh, shut up, Gary.
13:03Sorry.
13:06So, business not great at the restaurant, then?
13:10No-one's eating out these days.
13:12Except us.
13:15I'm sure you won't.
13:18It'll be the second time I've let my boss down,
13:21or she'll think I'm useless.
13:23No, she won't.
13:25You're very, very, very clever.
13:29And don't you worry,
13:31there's lots of nice men out there.
13:35There was a nice man coming tonight, actually.
13:38Probably completely inadequate.
13:40He's very witty.
13:42Homosexual.
13:45Divorced with two kids.
13:47Oh, you don't want to muck around with a divorcee.
13:49All those kids running round on a Sunday morning
13:51just when you fancy a bit of parallel parking.
13:56Still, you've always got me.
13:58And you've got Dorothy, Gary.
14:00She'd understand.
14:03In fact, she's more or less encouraged me to explore my sexuality.
14:07Not in so many words, admittedly.
14:09So, the only problem we have now
14:11is that I would rather die in appalling agony
14:13than sleep with you.
14:19No, you're right. Dorothy's a lovely woman.
14:23What would I possibly want with anybody else?
14:25Exactly.
14:26Terrific hair, Dorothy.
14:28I used to be able to sit on it.
14:32Don't you mean she used to be able to sit on it?
14:35No, it was much too short for that.
14:39I, uh...
14:41I hope all this talk of Dorothy
14:43isn't making you jealous or anything.
14:45I mean, it'd be unfair to expect you to compete.
14:49If this is one of your seduction techniques, Gary,
14:51it wouldn't get past a 16-year-old.
14:54Oh. All right.
14:57Do you want to see what I got Dorothy for anniversary present?
15:01What is it?
15:03Well, I saw this little brooch in an antique shop, right?
15:07But I thought, no, that's a bit obvious.
15:11It's a little bit shiny and a little bit sexy.
15:15So I thought, well, I won't actually go for the obvious.
15:19All this fall, I'll just get this.
15:24What do you think?
15:26Fantastic.
15:37Thank you.
15:55Lay out the blanket on the floor.
16:08So, do you want to take her for a spin up the A10
16:11or try that again with me on top?
16:15Bloody hell!
16:20Well, they're not at home and they're not in the crown.
16:22My bed is just exploded.
16:25Take me home, please, Tony.
16:28Where do you think they could have got to?
16:30Gary's probably dragged Debra into a pub
16:32and she's fallen asleep during his funny story.
16:35Well, why do you stay with me if you don't get on with him?
16:38I don't know. Maybe I feel sorry for him.
16:42When I first met him, he was dancing on his own at this party
16:46and I thought, well, he's got to be in love with someone.
16:49And I thought, well, he's got to be in love with someone.
16:52And I thought, well, he's got to be in love with someone.
16:55And he was dancing on his own at this party
16:57and he kept sort of dancing nearer and nearer to these girls
17:01and they kept sort of dancing further and further away.
17:06So he tried to edge them into a corner, but they couldn't escape.
17:11And then this slow record came on
17:13and he just looked so pathetic all on his own, leaning against the wall.
17:18So you went and asked him to dance?
17:20No. No, I suggested he put his trousers back on
17:22and go and sober up in the garden.
17:26I'll never forget the first time we made love.
17:29Really nice, was it?
17:31No, no.
17:33No, he kept singing Kumbaya all the way through.
17:41Kumbaya, my lord.
17:46Kumbaya.
17:49Right then, let's do it.
17:55Oh, terrific.
17:57No, it's all right. I've probably just blown a little fuse.
18:03These things get a little bit cranky if you don't lavish a bit of care on them.
18:07I know how they feel.
18:12Tony.
18:14Well, between you and me,
18:17I'm thinking of telling Gary it's all over between us.
18:25What I'm going to do here is pop the pink ball in the corner pocket
18:30and then screw the cube ball back onto another red.
18:33Now, the pink ball, once it's gone down,
18:36can be brought out again and put on its spot,
18:39but once the red ball is down, it is redundant.
18:47I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say redundant.
18:51It's thoughtless of me.
18:59What do you reckon your dinner guests are doing now?
19:02I expect they've gone home, scratched me out of their address books.
19:06They're hardly going to believe I was stuck all night in a lift
19:10watching a drunk play snooker.
19:14I've been thinking about the sleeping arrangements
19:18and I reckon we should curl up like spoons. What do you think?
19:22We're not spending the night in here.
19:25Why not? Could be worse.
19:28What do you fancy for breakfast?
19:30Branston pickle or the tin of peaches?
19:41Oh, Deborah.
19:44Come here, it's all right. They'll get us out soon.
19:48Don't worry.
19:52Did I ever tell you I had a serious wasting disease?
19:56Help!
20:01Oh, he's moving!
20:07Just don't rush into anything. Gary doesn't mean it.
20:11He's a nice bloke.
20:13No, he isn't.
20:15All right, but at least he doesn't take himself seriously.
20:18Yes, he does.
20:21OK, nobody else does.
20:24Well, where is he?
20:26He's about as reliable as this van.
20:29What's wrong with this van? Forget it, Tony.
20:33Look, don't worry.
20:35I'm sure there's a good reason for it.
20:38Maybe they've been in a horrific hit-and-run accident.
20:45And just think how considerate Gary can be sometimes.
20:48I mean, who was it last night who made supper for you especially?
20:52He didn't make me supper. He unwrapped a cod and chips.
20:56Yeah, but he only wanted to come shopping today to get you a present.
21:00You remembered it was your anniversary, you know.
21:03Dorothy, he loves you.
21:05And with a love like that, you know you should be glad.
21:10Yeah.
21:12I suppose we're used to each other.
21:15I couldn't bear it if anything terrible happened to him.
21:20So, shall we go and get a fire extinguisher?
21:24Yeah, why not?
21:28Yeah, I suppose he is quite thoughtful sometimes.
21:31Yeah, of course he is.
21:34Where the bloody hell have you been?
21:38What do I want with a snooker table anyway?
21:41I hate snooker.
21:43It's a marvellous game.
21:46It'll give us something in common.
21:50Or...
21:52you could use it...
21:55as a...
21:57as a...
21:59as a...
22:01you could use it for putting things on.
22:05Yeah, that's true, actually.
22:07We had this billiard table at home we used for that.
22:10Yeah.
22:12We had a table we used to put things on.
22:16You know.
22:18Household objects.
22:20Cups and plants and...
22:24shopping and pencils.
22:26Oh, yes. Thank you, Dr Jonathan Miller.
22:32It's pretty amazing, this fam, when you think about it.
22:36One minute it's on fire, next minute it's up and running.
22:39Only because we push-started it round the car park for an hour and a half.
22:44Do you like your boxer shorts?
22:46Yeah, they're lovely.
22:49You're good to me, Dorothy.
22:51Don't always rely on it.
22:53And, Gary, you're supposed to wear them under your trousers.
22:58It's good this time, isn't it?
23:00Oh, get out.
23:01Right, that's it.
23:02Don't push!
23:04Zoe, come back!
23:06Don't!
23:28APPLAUSE
23:58Thank you.