IT'S A LIVING Season 3 Episode 15 Jewel Heist
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00:00Life's not the French Riviera, believe me Life's not a charity ball
00:11It isn't all a great big bed of roses It's not like showbiz, but the main thing
00:20I'm supposed to be They're not the people I'd like
00:25Believe me, we know we're doing a good thing
00:30We may be less than we'll be But that doesn't mean we're young and healthy
00:38And anyone who's young and healthy knows that that's the way
00:47The traffic flows It's unliving
01:09Like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel
01:15Never ending or beginning On a never spinning reel
01:21As the images unwind Like the circles that you find
01:27In the windmills of your mind
01:34There you go. And here you go, ma'am. Happy birthday.
01:45That's it? Aren't you gonna sing?
01:47Ah, come on. Don't make me do that. I mean, it's so embarrassing.
01:50There are people in here I might date someday.
01:56Howard, the man at table five asked me to convey his compliments to the chef.
02:00The guy who ordered the filet mignon? Well done.
02:02Right. What does he know?
02:05Howard, my church is having a white elephant sale and I'm looking for donations.
02:09I was wondering if you had something that you don't need.
02:11Something lying around the house that's really useless.
02:13Got a dog.
02:16I had a really tough time deciding what to bring you.
02:19I finally narrowed it down to my Mod Squad lunchbox.
02:22I mean, it's 20 years old and I hardly ever use it.
02:24Then I started thinking about all those bologna sandwiches with the crusts cut off and carrot sticks
02:29and once in a great while a box of Milk Duds.
02:32Those were carefree, happy days. You're not asking me to give those up, are you?
02:37I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking.
02:39Oh, no. It's me. It's just I love my junk.
02:43Stop crying, Dot. I'm not gonna take away your lunchbox.
02:47Oh, it's not the lunchbox. It's this allergy medication I'm on.
02:51It has a really strange side effect. It makes me really stupid.
02:57Girls, this will only take a moment.
03:00Howard, I want you to hear this, too.
03:02I've just received word that the Princess of Caipei will be staying at the hotel.
03:06On Friday evening, she'll be having dinner here.
03:08Okay. So how are we supposed to act?
03:10Oh, Jen, just be yourself. Dot, you be Jen.
03:16Isn't that something? A real Oriental princess coming here.
03:19She's Oriental by marriage. By birth, she's Bobby G and Becky from Van Nuys.
03:24You're kidding. How did a valley girl become a princess?
03:27By doing things the old princess wouldn't.
03:30Back to work, girls.
03:32Howard, I think it would be appropriate if on Friday you served one of the princess' native dishes.
03:37Sure. Be glad to. What are the native dishes of Van Nuys?
03:41Hi, Jen.
03:43Hi, thanks for asking. How was your day?
03:46Nick used the last of the toothpaste without telling anybody.
03:49And there are people who want to do away with capital punishment.
03:52Who's Nick?
03:53Richie's old roommate. He's staying with us.
03:56And the boys are making it just like the good old days.
03:59I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:01I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:03I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:05I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:07I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:09I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:10I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:11I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:12I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:13I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:14I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:15I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:16I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:17I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:18I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:19I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:20I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:21I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:22I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:23I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:24I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:25I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:26I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:27I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:28I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:29I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:30I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:31I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:32I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:33I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:34I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:35I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:36I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:37I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:38I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:39I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:40I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:41I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:42I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:43I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:44I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:45I'm sure they'll have a great time.
04:46You know what I mean?
04:47Read my book.
04:49Hi, y'all.
04:50Hi, kid.
04:51Oh, hey, listen about your church sale.
04:53I woke up this morning and I looked around the apartment for something to donate.
04:56Then I realized it wasn't my apartment.
05:00Here's my donation.
05:02Oh, wow.
05:05Isn't this something?
05:07Oh, wow.
05:08Amy, it's a piece of art.
05:10It's one of Richie's early sculptures called Seagull.
05:12Oh, that's okay.
05:13We can sell anything.
05:16Hey, you guys won't believe this, but I woke up at 5 a.m.
05:19This allergy medicine really has me wired.
05:21I mean, I don't mind getting to work on time occasionally, but I almost got here early.
05:27Gee, I hope you're not operating any heavy machinery.
05:29Hey, did you see the paper?
05:30The Princess of Caipei is on the front page.
05:32Oh, let's see.
05:34Oh, gee, she's not very pretty.
05:37That's Fernando Valenzuela.
05:39This is the princess.
05:41Oh, wow.
05:42Would you look at that rock she's wearing.
05:45That's the biggest diamond I've ever seen.
05:47Sure would look pretty with my little black dress.
05:49I wonder what she did to earn that.
05:51Here's a picture of the prince on page 6.
05:56A guy like that should come with two diamonds.
06:00The Caipei diamond, better known as the Idol's Eye, is a 55-carat stone,
06:05which the princess intends to wear to her Valley High reunion in Van Nuys.
06:09I hope I'm never that insecure.
06:12Dot, why aren't you dressed?
06:16Nobody's dressed.
06:17Oh, it's just like you, Dot, to drag the others down with you.
06:20Now, Caipei's Minister of Protocol will be here to make the final arrangement for tomorrow's dinner.
06:25I want you all on the floor in ten minutes.
06:27Oh, Nancy, my church is having a white elephant sale this weekend.
06:30Oh? Well, I'm sure there's something I'd like to give away.
06:33Well, too easy.
06:35Too easy.
06:39Yo, Amy, I brought you a little something for your white elephant sale.
06:42Oh.
06:43Can't tell you how hard this is for me to part with.
06:46Oh, Sonny, this is just terrific.
06:49I'm sure it's going to be snapped up just like that.
06:55And will you be staying for dinner, Your Excellency?
06:57Oh, no, thank you, Miss Beebe.
06:59I was just checking out the security arrangements with Mr. Pennington here.
07:03Oh, the princess will be wearing the idol's eye tomorrow night.
07:06Lucky princess.
07:07There's no need for concern, Your Excellency.
07:09Let me assure you that security will be airtight.
07:12Excellent.
07:13In fact, let me show you what other measures we've taken here.
07:17We're in. She's going to be wearing it tomorrow night.
07:19Good.
07:34Hi, Cassie. Amy here yet?
07:36Hi, not yet.
07:37What's in the suitcase?
07:38Nick's clothes.
07:39You stole his clothes?
07:40Yep.
07:41I wouldn't stay with someone who stole my clothes.
07:43Would you?
07:44I love you when you're like this.
07:49Hi, Jan.
07:50Oh, Amy.
07:51I got another donation for you.
07:53Oh, thanks.
07:54Hey, guess what?
07:55You know Richie's sculpture?
07:56The pastor of my church bought it himself.
07:58Well, I'm sure Richie will be real glad to hear that.
08:00Yeah, he will.
08:01Well, I'm sure Richie will be real glad to hear that.
08:03Yeah, he put it right in his living room on top of his television set.
08:05He says now he gets all the UHF stations.
08:09Well, if your pastor likes Hawaiian shirts with pizza stains on them,
08:11I think you got yourself another sale.
08:16Amy, you thought I wouldn't come through for you, right?
08:19Right.
08:20Wrong. Here you go.
08:21Oh, thanks, Dada.
08:23This is a beautiful brooch.
08:25Isn't this gorgeous?
08:26Oh, Dada, it's lovely.
08:28Has that been in your family a long time?
08:29I picked it up at a flea market on my way to work.
08:31Well, I really tried to find something of my own.
08:33It's just that I've had all that stuff so long I couldn't bear to part with it.
08:36Well, this is great.
08:37Another half hour and I wouldn't have been able to give that up either.
08:40Not.
08:42Hi, Amy.
08:43Hi, Cassie.
08:44Here. Here's my contribution.
08:48Thinning out the wardrobe, eh?
08:50Yeah, I was just poking around the closet and I found a couple of things I never wear.
08:53These are men's suits.
08:55Told you.
08:57Well, thanks, Cassie.
08:59You're welcome.
09:00I don't think you're going to have any trouble selling the 38 regular,
09:02but I don't know about the 48 extra long.
09:0448 extra long?
09:06They traded them to the Celtics.
09:10Ladies, we are expecting a princess.
09:12Nobody stress. The tables aren't set up.
09:14And Dot will probably show up with some stupid excuse.
09:17Nancy, I'm in the bathroom.
09:19Oh, you see what I mean.
09:30I'd like to dedicate this next number to Her Exalted Highness,
09:33the Princess of Caipei.
09:37A little lady with a heart as big as all outdoors
09:40and a diamond to match.
09:42Oh, baby.
09:43If her friends could only see her now.
09:46Wearing fancy clothes and eating fancy chow.
09:49Who knew that little Bobby Jean Bankey from Van Nuys
09:53would grow up to capture the heart and hand of an exotic prince
09:55who would whisk her away to the fabled kingdom of Caipei.
10:01Thus proving to even the most cynical among us
10:04that some girls will do almost anything to get out of the valley.
10:09What a set up, holy cow, they'd never believe it
10:12if her friends could see her.
10:19Now!
10:24He just came for you.
10:25Oh.
10:28Toothpaste?
10:30He's gone, I love you, come home, brush your teeth.
10:33Gee, I hope that's not for Nick.
10:36I'll put him in water for him.
10:37Thanks.
10:41Would Your Exalted Highness care for another diet cola?
10:43For sure.
10:46I dearly wish we could take that piano player back to Caipei with us.
10:50It would be such a pleasure to feed him to the swans.
10:53Don't you think so, princess?
10:55Totally.
10:57Oh.
10:58Oh, I'll see that you get a fresh napkin, Your Exalted Highness.
11:03Another napkin for Bobby Jean.
11:17So far it's going according to plan.
11:20I informed security that I'm filling in for the house doctor.
11:22Arthur got on staff without a hitch.
11:25Brother dear, I don't care how much he's complaining.
11:28You keep the real busboy locked up until we're out of here with the diamond.
11:32Look, I gotta get off the phone.
11:34Arthur should have planted the dope napkin by now.
11:36They could be calling any second.
11:38Right.
11:41Pick up, Doc.
11:42Holy oak, Massachusetts.
11:44What are you doing?
11:45This is the princess's napkin.
11:48Must have her perfume on it.
11:51Really weird.
11:52Stuff like a cross between Chalamar and bug spray.
11:56Maybe she's trying to attract Sunny.
12:00Makes me dizzy.
12:03Let's go, Doc.
12:04Doc, will you pick up this food before it gets cold?
12:07Okay.
12:11Hey, why don't I take this to some of the people out there?
12:15Good idea.
12:16Let's see if the world's ready for it.
12:21Oh, Howard, I don't want to upset you, but this fish is dead.
12:31Pardon me, sir.
12:32I can't help but comment on your tie.
12:36It's ludicrous.
12:38You picked it out, right?
12:39You have a wonderful sense of humor.
12:41Enjoy your meal.
12:44Here we go.
12:45The veal is for you, the fish is for you,
12:48and the pork chop is for whoever is in the john.
12:52We didn't order this.
12:53Try it, you'll like it.
12:54I don't want veal.
12:55And I don't want fish.
12:56Hey, if we all got what we wanted in this world, I'd have my own talk show.
13:01I believe that's our order.
13:03That's my pork chop.
13:04Really?
13:08Wait a minute, that's not right.
13:10Here we go.
13:11Here we go.
13:13Oh.
13:14Dot, what's wrong?
13:16What's the matter with you?
13:21I don't feel so good.
13:22What's going on?
13:23I feel dizzy, woozy.
13:25What is going on here?
13:26Dot, serve that dinner.
13:27I'm going downstairs to see Dr. Bickley.
13:29You serve it.
13:31Nancy, it isn't her fault.
13:32It's that allergy medicine.
13:33Yeah.
13:34She gets crazy when she takes it.
13:35Yeah, she just took a little more than usual.
13:37I can't imagine what the princess thinks of all this.
13:41I think she's shocked.
13:43Everybody, stand back.
13:44We need a doctor.
13:45Yes, right, right.
13:46Excuse me.
13:48House doctor, please.
13:49It's an emergency.
13:54Hello?
13:55Oh, Dr. Bickley?
13:56No, this is Dr. Cutler.
13:57I'm standing in for Dr. Bickley.
13:59Oh, well, this is Nancy Beebe at above the top.
14:01We have an emergency.
14:02I'm on my way.
14:11Oh, my God.
14:41Oh, my God.
14:47And now for my next trick.
14:52Shh, shh, shh.
14:54Ta-da!
15:01What?
15:05Dr. Bickley, have you got a woman in there?
15:12What's up, doc?
15:16Oh, boy, doc, you're really starting to get on my nerves.
15:18I can't understand a thing you're saying with this thing over your mouth.
15:23You've got to stop them.
15:25One of them is pretending to be a doctor.
15:28The other is a busboy.
15:30They're going to pull a switch and steal the idol's eye.
15:35I'm sorry.
15:36My mind was a million miles away, you were saying?
15:38Have you been taking drugs?
15:40Yes, my allergy medication.
15:42Well, that wouldn't account for your behavior.
15:44I stopped sneezing.
15:46Listen carefully.
15:47They got a fake necklace and a medical bag.
15:49They doped the princess's napkin.
15:51Good for them because it smelled awful.
15:54You smelled that napkin?
15:58Then it's the allergy medication that kept you from passing out.
16:01The two drugs in combination probably cause irrational behavior.
16:05Oh, don't you kids try this at home?
16:07Doc, we've got to get upstairs and stop them.
16:09Right.
16:10I'll race you.
16:11I'm all tied up.
16:13On your mark.
16:14Untie me.
16:15Get set.
16:16Hold it.
16:18How do I know you're the real doctor?
16:20Dot, you've known me for three years.
16:22I thought I knew you until I came in here and found you like this.
16:25You think this is some kind of turn on?
16:28I'm going back upstairs to the diamond
16:30and keep those guys from stealing the princess's restaurant.
16:33What about me?
16:34You? You should be ashamed of yourself.
16:36You should be ashamed of yourself.
16:48You know, the same thing happened when I was waiting tables back in Snyder.
16:51A woman came in the diner and slumped over just like that.
16:54What'd you do?
16:55Well, I didn't know the family all that well, so I just sent flowers.
16:58Well, that's royalty for you.
17:00They just don't hold up very well.
17:02It's all that inbreeding.
17:03Nancy, she's from the valley.
17:04I know.
17:06It must have been something she ate.
17:08Tell me exactly what you put in that chicken merengue.
17:11Oh, no, you don't.
17:12Not even Julia Child could pry that out of me,
17:14and she's a lot bigger than you are.
17:17Ladies and gentlemen, please continue to enjoy your dinners.
17:20There's no cause for alarm.
17:22The princess is just suffering from a temporary lack of consciousness.
17:26Play something.
17:27No, things are bad enough.
17:30Stand back and give her some air.
17:32No, I don't take my eye off the diamond.
17:34Oh, of course.
17:36I understand.
17:47Your attention, please.
17:50Tonight's performance of Star Trek the movie has been cancelled.
17:54Dot.
17:55What?
17:56Do you know what you're doing?
17:57Get her out of here.
17:58Okay.
18:00Come on to the lounge and lie down.
18:02Go crazy and let them get away.
18:04Why do you think I'm here?
18:06Gee, I hope you can answer that.
18:08I think she's trying to tell us something.
18:10Yes, but what?
18:12We don't know.
18:13Then follow me.
18:16I think she wants to have a meeting.
18:18You go ahead. I'll read the minutes.
18:20Dorothy, you come out from underneath there.
18:22It's that algae medicine she's taking.
18:23Dot, you're stoned.
18:25Really?
18:26Want to come up to my place?
18:28Sonny, we all know you're a slug.
18:30Don't make us think less of you.
18:33Wait, wait. It's coming clear.
18:35They tied him up.
18:36They knocked her out and they switched eyes.
18:38The princess will be fine now.
18:40I'm going down to my office and get the portable oxygen.
18:43I'll need someone to assist me.
18:45You, come with me.
18:47Oh, no, you don't.
18:49Dot, what on earth are you doing?
18:51Any fool can see I'm doing this.
18:53Let the doctor pass.
18:54That man's no doctor. He's a busboy.
18:56I almost got it that time.
18:58Step aside.
18:59Nancy, Nancy, it's in the bag.
19:01You're in the bag. Now step aside.
19:04Thank you, Miss Beebe. I'll be right back.
19:07Give me that bag.
19:09Wait a minute.
19:15Well, the commotion's over.
19:17That's exactly why we don't have a buffet.
19:20So, just sit back and enjoy the rest of your meal in peace and quiet.
19:27Sonny, go and get those girls back out here.
19:29Right, Chief.
19:35Kathy!
19:36Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
19:37I know this girl. I can vouch for her.
19:39She wouldn't be going through all of this if this wasn't important.
19:41There's something in that bag that she's trying to protect.
19:44Go ahead, Dot. Show us what's in the bag.
19:47Take her away. She's a nut.
19:48Oh, no, wait. Wait.
19:50The idol's eye, but the princess is still wearing it.
19:54Dot said they switched eyes.
19:55Hold it, you two. Come with us.
20:01My dear young lady, you have restored to us our greatest national treasure.
20:05May the blessing of Kai pay you.
20:09Well, Dot, it seems I owe you an apology.
20:13Well?
20:14I just can't get it out.
20:19Oh, I couldn't have done it without you guys.
20:21I'm so lucky to have friends like you.
20:23You never gave up on me.
20:25And I would like to thank each and every one of you personally.
20:29If only I could remember your names.
20:53You