IT'S A LIVING Season 3 Episode 7 From Russia With Love
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00:00Life's not the French Riviera, believe me Life's not a charity bar
00:11It isn't all a great big bed of roses It's not like showbiz, but the main thing
00:20We're not supposed to be outnumbered, believe me We know we're doing our part
00:29Okay, we may be less than wealthy But not that we're young and healthy
00:38And anyone who's young and healthy knows that that's a waste
00:46The traffic flows, it's unbearable
01:16There are so many things I'd love to know about Russia
01:25If we just had the opportunity to communicate vis-a-vis
01:28I'm sure that we could resolve all the misunderstandings that plague our respective nations
01:32I don't understand
01:34Oh, right, I bought a Russian phrasebook just for something like this
01:41I don't suppose you said it as your tractor going to the youth hostel
01:46I like your nogi
01:48Okay, now we're getting somewhere
01:50Nogi, nogi, nogi, buzz off
01:57I'd like to welcome all our Russian visitors
01:59Fabulous country, Russia
02:01I love Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff, and Rimsky-Korsakov
02:05Unfortunately, I don't know any of those guys' tunes
02:08But I understand you Reds dig rock and roll
02:10So, here we go
02:12There's one for the money, two for the show
02:15Three to get around it, I'll go catwalk
02:18Don't you step on the blue suede shoes
02:22You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes
02:27Back off, Ivan
02:29Maybe you can impress lounge singers in Poland, but this is America
02:32No problem
02:33Make my day
02:37Sonny, until this track meet is over, we're sitting on a political powder keg
02:41And I don't want an international incident touched off by some wimp in a tux
02:45But Nancy, we were just discussing friendship between Americans and commies
02:49Sonny, just do what you would do if they were regular customers
02:52Sing and suck up to them
02:54Gotcha
02:56Dot
02:57Hi, how are you doing?
02:59A little less detente and a little more hash slinging
03:05Hello, my name is Alexei
03:08I like your nogi
03:10Thanks, Alexei, you've got a cute zot
03:14You speak Russian?
03:15Just the major body parts
03:17Three days with these guys and I could be practicing medicine in Minsk
03:22So, waitress lady, where are you from?
03:25Why do you want to know?
03:27Your funny accent, you speak with a southern droop
03:30Uh, Texas
03:31I like Texas, big track meet in Dallas
03:34We also see Grand Canyon and London Bridge
03:37America is beautiful country
03:39But your favorite was Disneyland, right?
03:41We don't get to see Disneyland
03:43You mean you've been in L.A. a week and you haven't seen Disneyland?
03:46No, what's it like?
03:48Well, actually I haven't been there myself
03:50Hey, why don't we go together?
03:52Can I get you anything else?
03:54Da, him
03:56Who, the guy behind the piano player?
03:58No, piano player, sing like Elvis
04:01Sonny
04:02Oh, listen, honey, stay away from him
04:04All he wants to do is hop in the sax
04:06Oh, too bad, we want to make whoopie with him
04:09Really?
04:11Well, I guess a fling with Sonny couldn't hurt
04:14After all, in a few days you'll be safely behind the iron curtain
04:19Love me tender, love me sweet
04:24Never let me go
04:30You have made my life complete
04:33And I love you so
04:36You better watch it, my little Sputniks
04:38The old sun man doesn't take yet for an answer
04:41And I always will
04:48Are you really going out with Alexei?
04:50Why not?
04:51Well, there are cultural differences
04:53Come on, Jan, you've seen one side, you want to see another
04:57Just be careful
04:58KGB is probably following him
05:00And the CIA is probably following the KGB
05:02Gee, I better get some more beer nuts
05:05Poland, Schmoland, I like these people
05:07Placebo, what an ovation
05:10You should have heard the applause when Elvis was alive
05:12Don't give me that, there's something about me these chicks really dig
05:15Yeah, it's your hair, looks like one of their hats
05:28I had a very good time last night
05:30Thank you for showing me around
05:32My pleasure
05:33Tonight I'll show you the city
05:37I really had a good time
05:39I hope you didn't mind standing in all those lines
05:41It's all kept to me
05:43The only difference is in America, at the end of the line, you get into a giant teacup
05:46In Russia, you get toilet paper
05:48Amy, you're late
05:49I am really, really sorry, but the traffic was awful, you wouldn't believe it
05:53Yuri, you're late
05:55I'm sorry, Comrade Colonel
05:57This goofy dog hat will not keep you warm in Siberia
06:04I feel so sorry for him
06:06I could never live like that, in fear and terror
06:09Amy, get into uniform
06:10Yes, ma'am
06:14What's happened to the lights?
06:16Ladies and gentlemen
06:18There have been many giants in the history of rock and roll
06:21But only one king
06:24He came from humble beginnings
06:27But he changed the face of music as we know it forever
06:30Of course, I'm talking about me, Sonny Man
06:33And now I'd like to play some Elvis for you
06:49How dare you do that to a man who's too dead to defend himself
06:52You're a disgrace to the fifties
07:06Nancy's out to kill me
07:07She gave me all the weight lifters, all the shot putters, all the big eaters
07:11I don't know if I can lift another tray
07:13Holy gadzoli, I'm getting muscles
07:17Oh, a little black market, Jan
07:20Gonna sell those jean skis for 150 bucks?
07:22No, it's a peace offering
07:24I slugged that little wrestler out there
07:26He told me he wanted to get into my jeans
07:28And turns out he really wanted to get into my jeans
07:33Have you all seen Yuri?
07:34He hadn't been at his table
07:35Oh, I hadn't noticed
07:36I'm getting real worried about him
07:37You know, that KGB man was really giving him a hard time
07:40I just hope he's not in any trouble
07:42I defect, protect me
07:47Oh
07:58Are you going, babe?
07:59Going good, Alexi, how about you?
08:01Fine
08:02I'm looking very forward to our date tonight
08:04We go out and paint the town red
08:06Make that red, white and blue and you're on
08:08Okay
08:11Yuri has been missing for the last three hours
08:13I haven't seen him since he got back from Disneyland
08:16Oh
08:17And he's been with one of your girls, madam
08:20Call me Hostess
08:22Nancy, I have to talk to you
08:24It's a matter of life and death
08:26The salt shaker has an S on it, Dot
08:28The pepper has a P
08:30I wish I could help you, Colonel
08:32Believe me, if I knew where this Yuri was, I'd turn him in myself
08:35Now, what's this about life and death?
08:37Ah, right
08:39What is life, Nancy?
08:41It's death, for that matter
08:43These are the problems that have puzzled Plato, Voltaire, Rod McEwan
08:47I don't know the meaning of life, Dot
08:49Death I can help you with
08:55I don't know, I'll ask him
08:57FBI needs to know your full name
08:59Yuri Alexeyevich Reshetnyak
09:03I can't say
09:05No, it's not top secret, I just can't say it
09:08No, he's not a scientist or diplomat, he's a track star
09:12Oh
09:13Did you win any medals?
09:15Well, when I am eight, I win the ribbon at Ukrainian State Fair for Big Pig
09:20You too?
09:21Was it a chest or what?
09:23I don't believe this conversation
09:25No medals
09:27Look, how long is this gonna take?
09:29That long?
09:31Look, fella, I don't care about your bureaucratic problems
09:34We have a huddled mass here yearning to breathe free
09:39Uh, no
09:40No, I don't want my taxes audited
09:42No, he's fine, he can wait
09:45We've gotta keep hiding him in here
09:47Did you tell Nancy?
09:48You mean comrade BB? She's on their side
09:58You know, kid, I had you sized up all wrong
10:00I've only got pictures of men in my locker
10:03We'd better get back out on the floor before Nancy figures out what's going on
10:06You're right
10:08Right
10:09What is going on?
10:10Miss Waitress, I am sorry to bring you so much trouble
10:14Oh, hey, that's okay
10:16I can understand why you're doing this
10:18You can?
10:19Well, yeah, I think so
10:21You disapprove of your political system, what with the suppression of Poland and the invasion of Afghanistan
10:26We did that? That is terrible
10:29But not why I defect
10:32Then why are you?
10:33Because I want...
10:36There's no Russian word for all that I see in America
10:39Freedom?
10:40Yes
10:41With, like, a whole bunch of freedom
10:43Well, don't you worry, you're in America now, you are free
10:46You stay in there, don't make a sound
10:57Whoa!
10:58Is my mind playing tricks on me?
11:00Am I hallucinating?
11:02Can it be?
11:04Yes, it is!
11:06Pay dirt!
11:10Whoa, Dot
11:11Did you happen to notice which one of these lucky ladies put this room key in my snifter?
11:15Does it make a difference?
11:16Well, which one is it? Is it the little redhead or is it the blonde gymnast?
11:19Just please tell me it's not the one with the mustache
11:21Whoever it was, she's entirely too good for you
11:24Great
11:26Dot!
11:27I'm gonna get Yuri some food, he must be starved
11:29Cover for me, okay?
11:30Okay
11:32Dot, why are you covering for Amy?
11:35Boy, am I glad you asked me that
11:41And for the Russkies at table five, we have two steaks, two chickens and thirty tons of wheat
11:46I don't do orders to go
11:51Um, Howard, could I possibly have some food?
11:55Well, let's see, you're a waitress, I'm a chef, we have plenty of trays
11:59Yeah, I guess that would make sense
12:01Well, it's not for one of the customers, it's for, um...
12:06Can you keep a secret?
12:07You mean the Russian in your locker?
12:10Sure
12:11Tell him welcome to America and tell him this is the last free meal he's gonna get
12:15Thank you
12:17I'm sure they'll have Amy out of the bathroom in a minute or so
12:20You see, it's a Yale lock and the locksmith went to Harvard
12:23Good lord, you're pathetic
12:26Okay, all right, I'll talk
12:27In fact, I'm glad I can stop making up these stupid stories and for once just tell the truth
12:32I don't know who spilled glue on the sofa
12:36Here you go, hope you enjoy it
12:38Spasibo
12:39Dot, get out of my way
12:41What are you doing in here?
12:43Um, eating
12:45Why?
12:46She's pregnant
12:49I am not
12:51Who are you gonna believe, me or her?
12:53Let me see, who should I believe?
12:56Pinocchio or Snow White?
12:58Get out of the floor, both of you
13:02Sorry, here's your pinocchio
13:17I defect
13:21I defect
13:29Holy moly, how are we gonna hide two Russians?
13:32Well, we'll just have to, just like Yuri, he wants his freedom
13:35Freedom? No, I don't want that, I want Cassie
13:39What?
13:40Cassie, you know, blonde hair, laughing green eyes, built like brick gulag
13:46Ladies
13:47We're coming
13:48Sorry, Nancy, the baby was kicking
13:53Are you alright?
13:54No, even smaller than my bedroom in Moscow
13:58But bigger than my kitchen
14:08Is Yuri still in the locker?
14:09Yes, and so is Alexei
14:11They're both in your locker?
14:12No, Alexei's in Cassie's locker
14:14Oh, have you looked in my locker?
14:19Where is Yuri hiding?
14:20Amy Tompkins, waitress, no serial number
14:24I see you with Yuri yesterday, now you're staying there all the time
14:27That's where Yuri is, da?
14:29Da, nah
14:31Bring the defector out here, he belongs to the Soviet Union
14:35No, he doesn't, this is America, nobody belongs to anybody here
14:39We all have the freedom to do whatever we want
14:41Good, then I go get him
14:43Not that much freedom
14:47Oh, good, I see Da is showing you that quaint American custom of door dancing
14:53She's hiding defector in there
14:56Will you surrender him or not?
15:01Help us, the FBI will be here soon, just stall the colonel for five minutes
15:06Please
15:07Tell me one good reason why I should
15:10I'll give you two that you told me about
15:12Johann and Frieda Beebe, your grandparents
15:14They came over from Germany 80 years ago and scrubbed floors
15:17so that their children and grandchildren could live in freedom
15:20That's a hell of a story
15:22It even works on me
15:24I'll do it
15:25Look, why don't we talk about this over a drink?
15:29Now, who knows what a drink could lead to
15:31Perhaps international relations
15:34Boy, Nathan Hale only gave his life for his country
15:37Will somebody please tell me what's going on here?
15:39There's a Russian in your locker
15:41What?
15:42He says he wants to defect because he's in love with you
15:45Oh, I've heard that line before
15:47Only in Chinese, I'll go talk to him
15:51I haven't had a guy in my locker since high school gym class
15:54Yes?
16:06I have to talk to you
16:07Would you come out of the locker, please?
16:14Listen, Alexei
16:15I understand you have certain feelings for me
16:18And I want you to know I'm very flattered
16:20But do you mind?
16:22Sorry
16:24I don't want you to do something so drastic over me
16:27I mean, people don't just abandon their homelands after one date
16:30Even one date with me
16:32I will
16:33I give up my country
16:34My friends
16:35My family
16:36My little cousins
16:37Svetlana and the other one
16:39I forget his name
16:41I give up my food coupons
16:42My woolly coat
16:43What about your ice boat?
16:44Shut up
16:45Nobody knows about that
16:48I give up everything for you, Cassie
16:50I need you
16:51I want you
16:53I'm talking matrimony
16:54Whoa, Alexei
16:56Wait a minute
16:57You gotta know that we're talking about two different cultures here
17:00In our country, people get married for love
17:02In your country, people get married to keep warm
17:05So?
17:13You probably wanna know where I've been and why I look so ravished
17:16No
17:18I've been with this incredible gymnast
17:20If we'd only had some judges there, I could've won the gold
17:24She took advantage of me, Dot, and I let her
17:27Did her mustache tickle?
17:43You just break world record
17:45Thanks
17:46For speed
17:51Table for two, three, nine
17:54I'm afraid there'll be a slight wait about, uh, two hours
17:58FBI
17:59State Department
18:00Immigration, naturalization
18:01Herman and Thelma Goldberg
18:05Dot, please show the Goldbergs to their table
18:09Amy, please show these gentlemen to your locker
18:11Amy, please show these gentlemen to your locker
18:18How would you like to see one of America's best kept secrets?
18:24You are right
18:25I do not understand
18:27I'm saying, if you wanna leave Russia, that's fine
18:30But if you wanna leave Russia because of me, then that's not fine
18:33But I love you, Cassie
18:35Come on, Alexei
18:36One date
18:38And it was a lot of fun
18:40But that's not love, that's infatuation
18:43Still don't understand
18:44You know, infatuation
18:48You know, when a Russian woman and a man go out and...
18:53Oh, I don't know
18:55When a woman and a man go out and they go to ballet
18:58Or maybe they go see Lenin's body
19:02That's right, and then you know what happens
19:07Look, what are you gonna do?
19:09What are you gonna write your mother and father and tell them
19:11That you're never gonna see them again because you met some blonde?
19:14You are right
19:15I cannot do this to them
19:18You come to Russia with me
19:20Oh, well, I've got two problems with that
19:23I love this country and I don't love you, Alexei
19:29Go home
19:31Remember us fondly, but don't ruin your life
19:36What the hell was worth a shoot?
19:40You'll be one tough cookie to forget
19:42Cassie
19:45Are you the gentleman seeking political asylum?
19:47Me? No, no, no, no
19:49Niet
19:50It was me
19:51I'm sorry, I couldn't stop him, I tried everything
19:54Well, almost everything
19:56So we have two defectors in here
19:58Niet, only one
20:00Why should I defect? I love Russia
20:02I love my friends and family
20:04My little cousins, Svetlana and...
20:07Other one
20:09I love my ice boat
20:10Ice boat? What ice boat? We didn't know it had an ice boat
20:13I have had my eye on you, you've been chasing American flousy
20:17That's floozy
20:18Thank you
20:20You were betraying your country, admit it
20:23Well, I...
20:25Well, come on, tell him the real reason
20:27He was trying to keep Yuri here from defecting
20:30Yes, right
20:32So why did you not say this?
20:34Because it did not work
20:36I'm sorry, Alexei, but this is what I must do
20:41Perhaps someday we see each other again
20:43Yeah, if he visits you, the salt mine
20:45Hey, you can't threaten him here
20:47As of this moment, this man is under the legal protection of the United States government
20:52Right?
20:54Right
20:56Welcome to America
20:58No kiss for Alexei?
21:01For sure, loyal comrade
21:05No wonder Yuri wanted asylum
21:07Come on, I'm the only waitress out there, defect or get off the pot