Kevin the Geek
  • 4 months ago

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Hello everybody, welcome back to the channel, my name's Kevin, I'm a geek, you're watching
00:17Kevin the Geek.
00:18Welcome back to Benidorm.
00:19Last time out, I think Eddie is in for a bumpy ride today, considering he spoke about a very
00:26bad heart, and then went out and got caught by Billy and Sharon for riding a mechanical
00:33bull with Pauline, who is seemingly back on the booze.
00:41She's been off for 18 months or so and apparently back on the booze, so this is gonna be fun.
00:49Let's see this latest episode.
01:00Good morning son.
01:02Yes mother, it certainly is.
01:05You got your flip-top back?
01:07Laptop.
01:08That's it.
01:09Got it back last night after our games night.
01:12Did that young lad manage to fix it for you?
01:15Yep, found out last night I'd picked up a virus.
01:18My inbox had been hacked to bits.
01:20Oh son, what have I told you about going into that old town?
01:25No, a computer virus.
01:28Anyway, my name has been cleared and I am in receipt of a full apology.
01:32Hey, so he's back as the Oracle.
01:34An email from Barry Stent, aka the Grand Wizard.
01:38Dear Mr Maltby, after careful consideration of the facts, blah blah blah blah blah, here
01:45we go.
01:47It is my very great pleasure to clear you of all wrongdoing and reinstate you with the
01:53Quizmaster title second only to the Grand Wizard.
01:57Congratulations brother, you are, once again, the Oracle.
02:05I thought in the first email that he got he said you can't appeal this, there's no chance
02:10that this is it, this is final and binding.
02:14Funny that, yeah, literally one day later, completely changed.
02:17Oh, well done son, I am pleased.
02:22Justice has prevailed mother.
02:24Smashing, are you going to have a bit of breakfast?
02:27You know when they asked Nelson Mandela about his time in prison, and he said, I went on
02:32a long holiday for 27 years.
02:36I think I know what he meant.
02:37We're only booked in till Friday.
02:40Did he just compare himself to Nelson Mandela?
03:11Of course he did.
03:14No.
03:41For 18 minutes.
03:53Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
04:11So, is there anyone present who is au fait with this latest technology?
04:17Why are these au fait?
04:19No idea.
04:20Anyone good with computers?
04:22You want me to get on the blower to baby Jesus?
04:25Do you remember, it was him who showed me how to use the hotel computer.
04:29And how old is he again?
04:31Nine.
04:33I think not.
04:34You can stay behind Les.
04:35Let's hope baby Jesus taught you well.
04:37Amber, you're on posters and leaflets.
04:40Post, no problem.
04:41The rest of you be sure to explain the situation delicately.
04:45Our guests do not like change.
04:47We once tried to introduce a fair use policy on alcohol.
04:52Like the Brixton riots.
04:54OK, vamos.
04:56You want an all-inclusive holiday?
04:58You want unlimited booze?
05:01I think I actually read that.
05:03I think it was like this summer.
05:05Apparently Spain actually introduced sort of like a...
05:11I think it was something like a certain amount of drinks per day you're allowed to have.
05:17Which literally caused chaos.
05:19People going on like, oh my God, this is atrocious.
05:22How dare you offer it as all-inclusive.
05:24And then it not be actually all-inclusive.
05:26To which point, they've kind of got a point.
05:29Morning, campers.
05:31Late night, Kenner.
05:32No, it was a very early one.
05:34After I woke up in neck machines, I went to the intimate bar in the old town for some karaoke.
05:38They worry about me if I don't give them my little white bull at least once a week.
05:41I was in bed by three.
05:42So, are you ready for a full day in the salon?
05:44A new start after our little disagreement?
05:46Absolutely.
05:47Well, you can't.
05:48What?
05:50Spanish weren't going to let me down in the salon.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:54I told you.
05:57The only deadline them Spanish builders have worked to is mañana.
06:00Because you know about mañana, it never comes.
06:03Donald and I once knew a Spanish builder like that.
06:07I had to hire a wheelchair.
06:11So, anyway, looks like you've got another day off.
06:13Oh, no, not me, love.
06:15I'm like a coiled spring.
06:16Why don't we put the nail bar out here?
06:18You what?
06:19Next to the pool.
06:20I suggested it once to Liam, but with his fair skin, more than 20 minutes in the sun,
06:24he ends up looking like Carrie on prom night.
06:26Right, if I'm going to do a full day's work, I'd better bulk up on carbs.
06:31More toast.
06:48They're playing chess?
06:54MUSIC PLAYS
06:58Do you have any idea how this game works?
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02All I know is that the prawns move sideways.
07:04Right, is she even looking?
07:06Oh!
07:08She's coming.
07:09OK, do what I do.
07:11Nice try, Joseph.
07:13Not this time, though, me old friend.
07:15Nice try, Joseph, not this time.
07:17You, you dickhead.
07:18Just answer me.
07:20He's just crying.
07:21Yeah, sorry about that, Joseph.
07:23I thought that strong opening would fox you.
07:25Yeah, geez, I tried to jump your prawn,
07:27but you was like, boom, take that, bitch!
07:29Yes, you'll have to wake up pretty early in the morning
07:32to see that manoeuvre past me, old boy.
07:34Yeah, bruv, you were, like, totally owning me.
07:36I got to step my shit up, innit?
07:38I think you could say that.
07:40Hello, boys.
07:41Oh, wow.
07:42Playing chess, I love it.
07:44Now, if I can just avoid your fox
07:48and get my horsey to eat your prawn,
07:51I think it might be time to get the checkmate.
07:57Here's a leaflet about new ID cards.
07:59She's seen right through him, isn't she?
08:01If you need any help reading it, let me know.
08:03Oof!
08:06What, bruv?
08:15I can't hear you.
08:16He wants you to apologise for last night.
08:18Oh, apologise for what?
08:20Making a swift recovery?
08:22I didn't realise good health were a crime.
08:25Good health?
08:26One minute you're on death's door,
08:27the next you've been thrown from a booking bronco
08:29with a liver full of tequila.
08:30Very good for cauterising pain, alcohol.
08:33Anyway, if I hadn't have gone on that booking bronco,
08:37I wouldn't have won these, would I?
08:39Champagne brunch for two at the Three Seasons.
08:43Nice.
08:44You went on a booking bronco?
08:45Aye, and I won.
08:47In fairness, it was over 65 category.
08:50The only other one was this old Spanish lass.
08:52I tried to warn her against going on a booking bronco
08:55with a colostomy bag, but she was having none of it.
08:58What kind of bag, Grandad?
09:00Well, basically, it's a great big bag of shit.
09:02Never mind, darling.
09:03Yeah.
09:04You don't want to know, Jodie.
09:05I thought these might be a way of making up
09:08for slightly exaggerating my illness.
09:11Thanks, Dad, that's really kind.
09:13No worries, kid.
09:14Rob, Jodie, have a great night.
09:16Dad!
09:18I'm only messing with you.
09:19I like Eddie, I do, I like Eddie.
09:21Come on, Sharon, love.
09:22I'll look after the kids.
09:24I've just had me breakfast, thank you.
09:26Come on, they'll be nice.
09:27Worth it just for the champagne.
09:29Go on, Mum, we'll be all right.
09:31It's not all greasy bacon and eggs like this place.
09:34They know fruit and all that diet stuff that you like.
09:39Run, Eddie, run!
09:41Run!
09:53My mother's upset that you've started drinking again.
09:56She's talking about it.
09:58This is pineapple juice.
10:00Nature's candy.
10:01You smart scout with your head.
10:03How dare you?
10:05It's merely the time of year my sinuses are blocked.
10:09Give us out of here.
10:11What are you doing?
10:12It's not good for you.
10:13Get off, it's part of my favourite day.
10:15Just give us out of here.
10:16It's been it!
10:19Oops.
10:22Ah, perfect timing, my good man.
10:25One more pineapple juice
10:27and another portion of your splendid nuts.
10:32So, after you've checked their room number and their passport,
10:35you input their name here
10:38and you take their photo with this desk-mounted camera.
10:42You see? Simple.
10:44Easy. An idiot could do it.
10:46Well, that was the general idea.
10:48But make sure the photo is exactly like this one.
10:52No looking off to the side,
10:54no cutting off the top of the head or one of their numerous chins.
10:57It must be framed exactly like this one.
11:00Understood.
11:01Marvellous.
11:02Simple.
11:03See you later.
11:04Mrs Templer-Savage, I can't do this now.
11:06I'm due a few hours off.
11:08I beg your pardon?
11:09You agreed to it last week, for personal reasons.
11:12Well, I'm sorry, Les, but we're short-staffed as it is
11:17and I've got a meeting with my financial advisor at...
11:20Anyway, it's not in the book.
11:23I know, I know.
11:24Anyway, it's not in the book.
11:26I know, I should have put it in the book,
11:28but you said, don't bother.
11:30Really?
11:31Yes, I remember because you said,
11:33your mind is like a tied prison.
11:35Once something goes in, it never comes out.
11:39No, I'm sorry, Les, we're run off our feet.
11:42Mrs Templer-Savage, I wouldn't normally insist,
11:45but I'm actually having laser eye surgery.
11:47The old peepers aren't what they used to be
11:50and it's all booked in.
11:52What happened to you?
11:54Just another day in the bin of the loonies.
11:56I'm sorry, Les, there's nothing I can do.
11:59The rules are there for a reason.
12:01Without them, we descend into chaos.
12:03It's always chaos.
12:04You must see that.
12:05I can hardly see anything.
12:07That's why I booked the appointment.
12:12Hey, Matthew, you got a minute?
12:14What do you want?
12:15Let me teach you to use this quick.
12:20Well, hey there.
12:21Well, hey there yourself.
12:23What can I get you?
12:24I'd like one tequila sunrise.
12:26Sonia, you think you're a bit young for tequila?
12:28Oh, it ain't for me.
12:30I want to surprise my granddaddy with it.
12:32Over there.
12:33Excuse me, my dear.
12:35Wouldn't you have a moment?
12:36You pop a small, large vodka in there, will you?
12:39No ice.
12:40Well, excuse me.
12:41You might have noticed there's a line.
12:45Just one person counts as a line?
12:47After you.
12:49I'm sorry, darling, but I can't serve you.
12:51You're just too itty-bitty small for alcohol.
12:54Beg your pardon?
12:55Yeah, I'll serve you in just one second.
12:57I'm not talking about my drink.
12:59I refer to your appalling bare-faced racism.
13:02Racism?
13:03Our diminutive American cousin may be a dwarf,
13:07but that doesn't exclude her from enjoying her holiday.
13:10I ain't no dwarf.
13:11Sorry.
13:12Of course.
13:13Midget.
13:15Tell me.
13:17Did you have many relatives in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?
13:21I ain't no dwarf or no midget.
13:23I'm just a little person.
13:25Exactly.
13:26You're a person.
13:28And I will not stand by and have you discriminated against
13:31by Miss Tits and Teeth 1993 here.
13:35You do realize she's not actually a...
13:37No, young lady.
13:38It is you who doesn't realize.
13:41Now, two very small, large vodka and pineapples,
13:47or I'll have your badge.
13:52Amber, why don't you make it and actually deliver it to Grandad?
13:55So nice to meet a kindred spirit.
13:58I don't know if you've noticed,
14:00but there is quite an odd element in the local clientele.
14:04Stupid is as stupid does.
14:07Exactly.
14:08Exactly?
14:10By the way, you're going to need to exchange your wristbands
14:13for an ID card and reception, if that's okay?
14:15Ah, nice.
14:16Quit your jibber-jabber.
14:18To coin an old Chaucerian saying,
14:21Lady, you're really beginning to get on my tits.
14:27Yes, please.
14:29Please, take a seat.
14:33Tell me, from which part of the New World do you hail?
14:38Wow!
14:41So, the main thing is to get the photo exactly like this one.
14:46Okay, no problem.
14:48So, where are you going?
14:49Oh, didn't I tell you? I've booked in for an operation.
14:53Operation?
14:54Corrective surgery.
14:57Really?
14:59Oh, yeah. I've always wanted to get it done.
15:02I can't go on like this.
15:03Does Liam know you are doing this?
15:05He was the one that suggested it.
15:08Madre mía.
15:12And you will be away for a long time?
15:14No, you're in and out these days, pal.
15:16I'll be back in a couple of hours.
15:18How can this be?
15:19I'll use a laser.
15:22A laser?
15:23Aye, they're quick, painless.
15:26Whoa!
15:27Just like that, and your life changes forever.
15:31Exactly.
15:321,500 euros, and I'll be seeing things clearly for the first time in years.
15:38So, I'm all right to get off, then?
15:40Of course, anything you need.
15:43Les, I'm here for you.
15:44Oh, thanks, pal.
15:46You're a mate.
15:49Goodbye, Les.
15:52Tonight you will be Lesley, yes?
15:54A little, sure.
15:56Oh!
15:57And I will love you just as much, brother.
16:00I mean, sister.
16:02Aye, champ.
16:04I'll see you later.
16:06It took me a moment, but I finally twigged.
16:10Mateo thinks he's getting gender reconstruction surgery.
16:16I don't know why that took me so long.
16:19Now that is a crime.
16:22Excuse me?
16:24A beautiful woman, sitting all on her own,
16:27with nothing but the Spanish sun for company.
16:29My friends are here.
16:31They're just a bit busy at the moment.
16:33Well, why don't I sit and keep you company till they come back, eh?
16:38Oh!
16:40Are you all right? I can leave you in peace if you want.
16:42Oh, no, I'm sorry.
16:44It's just, that was my husband's sunbed.
16:47Bloody hell, you could have said.
16:49No, I meant when we used to come here together.
16:55He recently passed away.
16:58Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love.
17:00Still, I bet last thing he'd want is for you to be lonely.
17:03Yeah, you're right there.
17:05Yeah.
17:06I bet he's looking down on you now.
17:08Seeing you with a handsome fella next to you,
17:11and a big smile on his face.
17:14Yeah.
17:15To be honest, that's what he liked to do when he was alive.
17:20Excuse me, guys.
17:21Just need to ask you to make your way to reception at some point today
17:24for new ID cards, if that's okay?
17:26No problem, darling.
17:28Hello?
17:30Shop!
17:32One and a half very thirsty people over here.
17:36You only have a moment, obviously.
17:46Are you absolutely sure she's drunk?
17:50No.
17:51She's on the bar doing the breaststroke.
17:53I think she's just a bit giddy about the hot weather.
17:57Don't be fooled, Mother.
17:59It may be sunny now, but there's a storm on its way.
18:05And this one is the bishop.
18:07He can move any number of squares.
18:09Like the Queen?
18:10No, any number of squares diagonally.
18:12Like the Queen?
18:13No.
18:14Let him finish, man.
18:15Any number of squares diagonally, but he can't jump over the pieces.
18:19Okay, so how come the King, who is like the King, can only move one space?
18:25Is he, like, disabled?
18:26Because, mate, if you ask me, he's no better off than a prawn,
18:30and that can't be right.
18:31I mean, that's a good question.
18:33Hey, Jodie, you all right?
18:35Yeah, can I get my nails done?
18:36They said they would do it for free,
18:38but I have to ask my mum, but she's not here.
18:41I reckon so.
18:42Is my grandad looking after you?
18:44Yeah, I've been talking to Pauline.
18:46When you've had your nails done, make sure you go back to grandad.
18:49All right.
18:51Okay, so how do you remember which thing does what?
18:55Look, it's probably easier if we have a game,
18:57and you can learn it as you go along.
18:59Nice one, bruv. Do you want to play for money?
19:03Is that wise, Joey?
19:05Okay, next one, please. Keep it moving.
19:07Oh, it's Joe.
19:09Now, I would like one very small, large vodka and pineapple juice,
19:14half a lager...
19:15Wait!
19:17This is not a bar.
19:18What do you mean it's not a bar?
19:20Who the dickens are all these people queuing for?
19:23No! No!
19:25Give it back, I say!
19:26Shut up, you crazy woman.
19:28This is instead of your wristband.
19:30Oh.
19:31I do beg your pardon.
19:33What is your room number?
19:34Sorry?
19:35What is your room number?
19:37No, just a moment.
19:39I may have had one or two sherbets,
19:42but you won't find me easy to please.
19:44I just need your room number.
19:46Quite persistent, aren't you?
19:52Room 625.
19:55Anytime after midnight.
20:00Cheers.
20:01Cheers.
20:02Cheers.
20:05See how thoughtful me dad is?
20:08He's just a bit eccentric.
20:10He always has been.
20:11Yeah, that's the word.
20:12Eccentric.
20:14I know he puts on a brave face, but this divorce has hit him hard.
20:17Imagine starting a new life when you're nearly 70.
20:20He's not nearly 70, he's 66.
20:22That's not far off.
20:24It's very far off.
20:26Not really.
20:27Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
20:29Just like 47 is miles away from...
20:32The next big number, you don't have to say it.
20:35Don't be shy.
20:36You know my feelings about being with a slightly more mature woman.
20:41You're going to get a slap.
20:43Do you want to drink the rest of that champagne or wear it?
20:46Right, let's finish this and have a walk up the prom.
20:49I want to see about getting you one of them mobility scooters.
20:51I'm joking, I'm joking.
20:54You're really going to get a slap there, Millie.
20:57Ooh, champagne.
20:59Are we celebrating?
21:01Yes, of course, Joyce.
21:03We have to toast your new home.
21:07Oh, Monty.
21:09I didn't mention it when I left a message on your phone,
21:11but I didn't get it.
21:15I think they'll take the champagne back if you haven't touched it.
21:18Don't worry about that.
21:20It came free with a voucher I won a few nights ago.
21:23That was clever of you.
21:25Not really.
21:26I've still got the bruises to prove it.
21:29Bruises?
21:30Never mind.
21:32Well, that was a bit of a waste,
21:34me pulling all those strings to get your mortgage increased.
21:37Well, maybe not.
21:39I've also come into a bit of money.
21:41Oh, really?
21:4215,000 euros.
21:4515,000 euros?
21:48Joyce, you're not back on the scratch cards again, are you?
21:50No, of course not.
21:51So what I was thinking was,
21:53with the 15,000 and the 150,000 mortgage,
21:57I can afford one of your villas.
22:00My villas?
22:01Oh, yes, the, um...
22:03Where is it?
22:04The leaflet that you gave me a few weeks ago.
22:07Oh.
22:08Oh, those.
22:10Well, we could go and see them,
22:11because I don't have to be back at the salon for a couple of hours.
22:15Joyce, can I be frank with you?
22:17Of course you can be frank.
22:19These are not the sort of houses that you sell to a friend.
22:22Oh.
22:23And I do count you as a friend, Joyce.
22:25So do I, Frank.
22:27Monty.
22:28A friend I'd like to get to know more.
22:32Oh.
22:33How much more?
22:35Joyce, it's been a slow burn,
22:37but I realised it this morning.
22:39Every time we're about to meet,
22:41signs are all there.
22:43The best tie comes out of the drawer.
22:45The careful trimming of the moustache in the mirror.
22:48An extra squirt of high karate.
22:50Extra squirt of what?
22:52It's an aftershave.
22:54Oh.
22:55Is that a thing?
22:56So, you're asking me on a date?
22:59That's right.
23:01I'm asking you to go on a date.
23:03My answer is yes, Monty.
23:04I'd love to go on a date with you.
23:06Oh.
23:07Wonderful.
23:09Something I didn't mention,
23:10because I'm not one to gloat,
23:12but I am a gold card holder for Mr Wu's buffet
23:16just off the Mediterranean.
23:19Well, we could meet at the Solana and decide from there.
23:22Yeah, I think she's had enough of Mr Wu after last week.
23:24The woman of your breeding deserves the very best.
23:28Well, I can't, Mr Wu.
23:30Oh, yes.
23:31Chips and rice tonight, Joyce.
23:33Chips and rice.
23:38I have to love carbohydrates.
23:46Hey, Mateo, how's the ID card thing going?
23:49Everything is under the control.
23:51It is all about relegation.
23:53You mean delegation.
23:55Is what I'm saying.
23:56Can I have a very small, large vodka and pineapple juice,
24:00if you please?
24:05I don't understand.
24:06All of this is just more work.
24:08It's quite clever.
24:09It keeps track of who's eating and drinking what.
24:12Also means we don't have to stop take either.
24:14If we're running low or something, just flash us up.
24:17Look, can I just borrow your card?
24:20I may as well have a very small...
24:23Very small, large berries while you're at it.
24:26That's going to curdle in her stomach.
24:32And now we press enter and it should tell us
24:35how many drinks the guest has had today.
24:39842.
24:41Oh, that's a lot.
24:44It says here she has had 842 drinks.
24:47Don't forget, I had quite a large breakfast.
24:51Show me the card.
24:53Why does her card have a picture of Joyce on it?
24:56This is correct, no?
24:57No.
25:01Excuse me, can I just have a look at your cards?
25:06Mateo, they all have Joyce on them.
25:08OK, listen.
25:10Before Les went for his sex change,
25:12he say, Mateo, print the cards exactly like this one.
25:16You can ask him when he gets back.
25:18I mean, you can ask her when she gets back.
25:21Oh, my God.
25:23Judy don't know about his operation?
25:28She does now.
25:37Then that were it.
25:3940 years' marriage down the drain.
25:42Oh, I am sorry.
25:44Yes, I admit, I was wrong to stray.
25:47But a man has his needs, if you don't mind me saying so.
25:50Oh, no, you can say what you like with me.
25:53Then as Mary got older,
25:55well, just let's say her appetite diminished
25:59and she didn't exactly start off starving hungry.
26:03I've always thought of sex as a dinner party.
26:07As long as all the guests are invited,
26:09you can go ahead and make a right old pig of yourself.
26:14Heavy.
26:15And I have a squirt of your cream.
26:18Oh, I feel like a sausage that hasn't been pricked.
26:22You are?
26:23My back.
26:24I'm burning up.
26:26Oh, aye.
26:27Do you want me to do it for you?
26:29Oh, yes.
26:31Oh, yes.
26:35He's good at shaking, isn't he?
26:37Jungle Red, here we go.
26:39Oh, my God, check the date on that bottle.
26:41I've never smelt a polish so strong.
26:43I haven't opened it yet.
26:45Oh, oh, my God.
26:49I was thinking, Judy, two young single women like ourselves.
26:54I've just thought, because Kenneth has just put one of them masks on,
26:58someone who has their nails done,
27:00can someone just explain to me,
27:01because I've gone past loads of nail salon places in the past,
27:05and I always see the women or the men that are doing the nails
27:10often have the masks on.
27:12Can anyone explain that to me?
27:14Because surely it's not the fumes,
27:16because that's not really going to, I guess,
27:19protect you from fumes, is it?
27:21Maybe we should hit the town later.
27:23Well, I'm here with my mum, so I'd have to ask her.
27:26Tell me, is your mother a short person as well?
27:30I mean, does it run in the family?
27:32Like being ginger?
27:34Can you keep your hands still, please?
27:36The look we're going for is fifties glamour,
27:38it's not like you've been gutting a rabbit.
27:40My mum's really tall.
27:42Say that again.
27:44My mum's really tall.
27:46Do you know, it's fascinating,
27:48but you slipped out of your American accent.
27:51Oddly enough, I was in South Africa and picked up a twang there.
27:55It's ebbed away the last few years, thank God.
27:58Do you know, at times I sounded almost off a nose.
28:04Can you believe that?
28:06The perfect timing.
28:08Same again for me and my little friend here.
28:11We'll have a margarita.
28:13For tonight, we hit the town.
28:16I'm sorry, we're not serving you anymore.
28:18I thought this was supposed to be all inclusive.
28:21We're not serving you any more alcohol.
28:23Fine.
28:25Then just two very large margaritas
28:28from a good friend, Judy.
28:30She hasn't had half the alcohol I've had.
28:33I beg your pardon.
28:34I can assure you, this young lady's been served no alcohol whatsoever.
28:39I've been drinking all afternoon with this splendid woman.
28:43And I can assure you, she's been knocking back the vodkas
28:46like a Russian serenade.
28:48What?
28:49She can drink as well as the next man.
28:52As long as the next man is Paul Gascoigne.
28:55What is going on here?
28:57Hiya. What was your champagne brunch like?
29:00I'll champagne brunch you in a minute.
29:02Where's your grandad?
29:04Are you Judy's mother?
29:06She said you were very tall.
29:08Who the friggin' hell are you?
29:10I'm Judy's new drinking partner.
29:12We've had quite the day, haven't we, darling?
29:16Oh!
29:18Oh, darling.
29:20Wow.
29:21Come on, let's get you inside.
29:24It's going to be all right.
29:26Everything's going to be all right.
29:32Don't my nails look pretty, Mummy?
29:34They do.
29:39Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to this intervention.
29:42For my sister Pauline, who's an alcoholic.
29:46Not true.
29:47True.
29:48Pauline, it's OK. It's time to face your demons.
29:51No, I mean, I'm not your sister, am I? Technically speaking.
29:55Oh!
29:56I'll be bringing that up now.
29:57Come on.
29:58Oh, they love playing nice.
30:00We're trying to help you.
30:01I'm not being funny, pal, but what's this got to do with us?
30:05An important part of the process is Pauline apologising
30:08to the people she's hurt.
30:10So I'd like to ask Sharon if she'd heard some of the grievances, please.
30:15Right.
30:17I'm going to try and stay calm.
30:19Basically, I go out for two hours and I come back
30:21to find my seven-year-old daughter sitting with this lunatic
30:24drinking vodka through a curly straw.
30:26In my defence, I did think your daughter was a midget.
30:29What?
30:30Sorry, I mean, a little person.
30:32Hang on, hang on.
30:33We've established Geordie wasn't served alcohol at any time.
30:36Yeah, don't you think you're taking this a bit seriously?
30:39Seriously? Of course I'm taking it seriously.
30:41I asked you to look after my child for one morning, Eddie.
30:44Anything could have happened.
30:45OK, folks, we're here for Pauline.
30:47I'm not here for Pauline.
30:49I'm here to find out exactly what happened to my daughter
30:51while I was away.
30:52Nothing. Nothing happened.
30:53Away having a champagne brunch.
30:54Aha! Now we're getting somewhere.
30:57What's that got to do with anything?
30:59Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
31:03You what? Listen, you!
31:04Gerard, just sit down.
31:05Guys, guys, I think we're getting a bit sidetracked.
31:07Maybe we should try to speak one at a time.
31:11Yeah.
31:12We'll use this as a talking stick.
31:15Pauline, I think you should go first.
31:18What's this?
31:19We're using it as a talking stick.
31:23Oh, my word.
31:25No, I can't hear anything.
31:27Kenneth and Troy are just here for the santa, aren't they?
31:30I'm only here to find out who's paying for their nails.
31:32I'm going.
31:33This woman has wasted enough of my time already.
31:37Sorry.
31:38And technically it's like one nail, I think, for Pauline.
31:42We can't have alcohol.
31:44This is supposed to be an intervention.
31:47Mum.
31:49Mum!
31:50Oh, I'm sorry.
31:52Mum.
31:53Oh, I'm sorry, love.
31:55I was just resting my eyes.
31:57They're ordering drinks from the bar.
31:59Oh, right.
32:00I'll have a sherry, please.
32:02Nice and dry.
32:04OK, love.
32:06I'll have a Vermouth, I think, by now.
32:08I fancy a Vermouth.
32:10Got a really nice Vermouth from Barcelona last year.
32:12Everything ship-shape and Bristol fashion.
32:15Just another regular day.
32:17Very good.
32:18Are all the ID cards working?
32:20The ID card's been distributed.
32:22Yeah.
32:23Wonderful.
32:24I knew you'd be OK.
32:25Amber, I've been speaking to head office
32:28about the possibility of an assistant manager's position.
32:31How does that sound?
32:33Oh, wow, that sounds great.
32:35After three days?
32:36I know you've only just joined us,
32:38but I like to think that I have an eye for talent.
32:42I think we all do.
32:43Chips and rice, Amber.
32:45Chips and rice.
32:50OK.
32:53Yeah, Amber's clearly the best of the lot.
32:56No question.
32:58There we go, darling.
33:00Snug as a bug in a rug.
33:03Oh, Pauline, we're all worried about you now.
33:07Big fuss over nothing.
33:09It's OK to have a cold beer with your lunch
33:13and a glass of wine with your tea
33:16and who doesn't like a Bloody Mary with breakfast?
33:21But when you're getting through a couple of bottles of mouthwash
33:25to get you out of bed in the morning,
33:28you've gone too far.
33:31Yeah.
33:32Makes my breath feel minty fresh.
33:35I know it does, love.
33:37And believe me, I can be an absolute pig
33:41with the eggnog at Christmas.
33:45But I just think we need to get you some professional help.
33:50Whatever you say.
33:52And try to be nicer to Geoff, for my sake, if nothing else.
33:57I know he's not your real brother, but he cares about you.
34:02That's not true.
34:03He is. He is her brother.
34:05He cares about you so much.
34:08No, I mean, regardless of parentage,
34:13he'll always be my brother.
34:15Nice!
34:19Even inebriated, she comes out on Trump.
34:26Come on, son.
34:35Oh, no!
34:36Oh, come on, Pauline!
34:39I'm sorry, but I don't see how you have cause for complaint.
34:42Don't you think you have a responsibility
34:44not to serve so much alcohol to one person?
34:46They can't tell a seven-year-old chow from a midget.
34:49Madam, this is very dumb.
34:51If we stopped serving alcohol to everyone who was drunk,
34:54my staff would be sitting twiddling their thumbs all day.
34:57You ever know the last of this?
34:59No.
35:00Of course not. That would be madness.
35:02Couldn't get away with that.
35:05Maybe I should cancel my night off.
35:07No!
35:08I mean, why would you do that?
35:10We've got everything under control here.
35:12Sort of.
35:13Where's Les? I haven't seen him since I got back.
35:15We were a bit short-staffed at the kids' club today.
35:18He's probably hanging up his Dickie Donut costume as we speak.
35:22I'm probably putting on another equally ridiculous costume after that.
35:28Are you OK?
35:29Are you going anywhere nice this evening?
35:31Amber, I'm not stupid. What are you trying to hide?
35:34My darling Joyce.
35:35Oh, my God, how did he get here?
35:37How did he get here?
35:38There comes a time in every man's life
35:40when he has to ask himself what's really important.
35:43Uh-oh.
35:44And since I met you, I find myself asking,
35:47do I need a fast car, a fancy apartment?
35:51Do I need the flashy jewellery and the expensive clothes?
35:55And the answer to these questions is yes, obviously.
36:01But what's the point in having them
36:03if I've got nobody to share them with?
36:05I mean, naturally, all those things can be enjoyed by a single person.
36:09Of course they can. Get on with it.
36:14My point is this.
36:15I've made some wrong choices in my life
36:18and I've not always liked the person I've turned out to be.
36:22But you, Joyce, you make me feel brand new.
36:29My love
36:32I'll never find the words, my love
36:38To tell you how I feel, my love
36:44Mere words
36:47Could not
36:50Explain
36:52Looking forward to a nice evening office, Temple Savage.
36:55Precious love
36:59I hope this isn't going to be one of them dreary nights
37:01full of people whining crappy old love songs to each other.
37:04Any more of this and I'm going to have to put my name down for Sweet Caroline.
37:07I know, Jacqueline, awful song, but look, we're at breaking point.
37:12If someone doesn't give this crowd a chorus they can sing along to,
37:15soon the peasants will be revolting.
37:17I mean, more revolting than they are already.
37:19They're not all revolting.
37:21Oh, yeah.
37:23What's the score with you and Captain Birdseye?
37:26He's flirting, makes the world go round.
37:29Yep.
37:30Grand total, 138 euros 50 cents.
37:33Just shows a little innovation can go a long way.
37:36Oh, for God's sake, calm down, will you?
37:38Those two plastic chairs in Umbrella,
37:40wouldn't exactly get them jizzing on Dragon's Den.
37:45What's this?
37:46You're cut from the show.
37:49What's this?
37:50You're cut from the pop-up nail bar.
37:52And, Jacqueline, as our sleeping partner,
37:54I've sent a bottle of carver up to your room.
37:56I know you like a nightcap.
37:57Oh, why don't we have another one here
37:59and then all go up and drink a toast to blow and go?
38:03Oh, there's a lovely view of the cross from my balcony.
38:08Now that's what I call good business.
38:13And sometimes babies.
38:18Without you.
38:22This life has no meaning.
38:27Hello?
38:31I'm sorry, Bissell, I can hardly hear you.
38:36Yes, there is a terrible noise this evening.
38:39Yeah.
38:42I'll call you from the office in ten minutes.
38:45I mean, it's no lonely girl, is it?
38:48For God bless me.
38:50With you.
38:53How do you mean she doesn't know?
38:55Every character has her face on it.
38:57Look, the real responsibility is here.
39:00Ask him yourself.
39:01I mean, ask her yourself.
39:03Oh, I'm sorry I was so long.
39:04I kind of misjudged the recovery time.
39:07Leslie, I can't believe you're back on your feet so quickly
39:10after such a major operation.
39:12Oh, it's like a conveyor belt up there in Village Yossa.
39:15The doctor was telling me it does about 20 patients a day.
39:19And you have to go back for them to do your voice, obviously.
39:23Temple Savage hasn't missed me, has she?
39:25No, we covered for you.
39:27We've still got to sort these out.
39:29What's wrong? Oh, you didn't mess them up, did you?
39:32I told you to do them exactly like that.
39:34Andy did.
39:36What?
39:37It's all right. Joyce has tonight off
39:39and she's not in until tomorrow afternoon.
39:41There's loads of blank cards left.
39:43We can do them all again tomorrow morning.
39:46Did you keep the receipt for your sex change, Leslie?
39:48I think they made one boobie bigger than the other.
39:50No.
39:51Sex change?
39:52What are you talking about, man?
39:54I've had me eyes lasered, you daft bugger.
39:59Yeah, you daft bugger.
40:01I mean, his eyes.
40:03And you're not a complete idiot.
40:05No, almost.
40:07Which part's missing?
40:09He made me feel brand new.
40:17Forgive me, Joyce.
40:19I couldn't help myself.
40:21Monty, I said eight o'clock in the text.
40:24I still haven't got changed.
40:26Well, I can wait here.
40:28I've got a phone call to make as well.
40:30I'll be at least 45 minutes.
40:32Waiting so long, what's another 45 minutes?
40:35OK.
40:36If you want a drink, use this.
40:40It's also my room key.
40:42Come up in about an hour,
40:44we'll have drinks on the balcony before we go out.
40:46Room 1501.
40:48Perfect.
40:53Chips and rice tonight, Monty.
40:56Definitely chips and rice.
40:59Chips and rice tonight, Monty.
41:01Definitely chips and rice.
41:07That's clearly a catchphrase now, isn't it?
41:15Look at them all sterving and sneering.
41:18They've never had a member of the family do anything embarrassing.
41:21Well, at least we know she's safely tucked up in bed.
41:25Are you sure about that?
41:26Away from those prying eyes.
41:29It's all my fault.
41:32I knew we should have gone to Centre Parcs.
41:35You can't blame yourself, ma'am.
41:37All them meetings.
41:39All that willpower gone for nothing.
41:43Well, she may have strayed from the path,
41:46but I hope she finds her way back again.
41:51As Pauline herself has said many times,
41:56it's a long, lonely journey on the road to Domestos.
42:03Damascus.
42:04Yeah.
42:11That's right, Crystal.
42:13The news system was rolled out today with no problems.
42:19How many drinks?
42:22Are you sure that's from one person?
42:26Well, yes.
42:27They should be immediately blacklisted from all Solana Group hotels.
42:32Could you give me the ID number? I'll track this hooligan down.
42:35Hmm.
42:36Although, to be honest, I've got a very good idea who the culprit is.
42:41Yes.
42:4200381142.
42:48Here we go.
42:51Hmm.
42:53Hmm.
42:55Um, yes, I found the culprit.
42:58Yes, you're right.
43:00Absolute menace to society.
43:03They'll be thrown out on their ears.
43:05Surely Crystal would have been able to do that same search.
43:08Surely.
43:09Good night.
43:13Hmm.
43:16Right!
43:20Let's get one thing straight.
43:23My sister is no different to any one of you lot here.
43:27I mean, look at yourselves.
43:29Whispering and nudging.
43:31Yeah, that's the family with the piss head.
43:34But when you point a finger at someone,
43:37you've got three pointing back at yourself.
43:44Who can sit here and say
43:47that they haven't got a relation who's brought shame and disappointment on the family?
43:52Who can sit here and say they haven't done the same thing themselves?
43:56Isn't it about time we looked at our mothers?
44:00Our children.
44:03Our brothers.
44:05And sister.
44:08And started to love them for who they are.
44:11And not worry about what they look like.
44:14Or for how they choose to live their life.
44:17Or how they try and cope with whatever life throws at them.
44:22Because no matter how frustrating,
44:24or how embarrassing they might be,
44:26we can't give up on them.
44:28Because they're a part of us.
44:32A part of our family.
44:43That's it, Darren.
44:48Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.
44:53We are family.
44:55Yes we are.
44:57I've got all my sisters and me.
45:01We are family.
45:05Come on, everybody, and sing.
45:08Come on!
45:09We are family.
45:13I've got all my sisters and me.
45:17So, all we ask from you is a £5,000 deposit.
45:22It really is too good a deal to turn down.
45:25Sorry, pal. Had I done about £5,000, I'd be hard-pushed to raise £500.
45:29I know the feeling.
45:32A bottle of lager and an orange juice, please.
45:35Where did you get that from?
45:37A woman gave it to me.
45:38When did she give it to you?
45:39Today. It gets you into the apartment as well.
45:41But you're about 12.
45:43I'm 20, mate. 21 in September.
45:45Is there anyone in September?
45:47Or is it October?
45:49Do you intend on going up to the apartment this evening?
45:52Absolutely. I'll be sleeping there tonight.
45:54What?
45:55Oh, yeah. They don't call it all-inclusive for nothing.
46:01Same again.
46:03And finally, just one more.
46:05Then I've got a date upstairs.
46:07We've got a club up there.
46:09A couple of friends.
46:12Hola.
46:13Hola.
46:44Ooh!
46:46Monty! Monty!
46:49We are family.
46:53Like I'd do anything.
47:01Love you, Pauly!
47:03Love you, Jeff.
47:07Yeah, she ain't sleeping, is she?
47:09Oh, she's on the ball again.
47:14Oh, my word.
47:16Oh, my word.
47:23Jeff Maltby.
47:26The Oracle.
47:28You killed it there at the end.
47:30That is the best message this show has possibly ever given.
47:36You know, because we laugh, don't we?
47:39We laugh at her drunken antics.
47:42But deep down, it's a troubled person.
47:46And, unfortunately, most people out there will look at a troubled person
47:53and either not give them the time of day,
47:56or will make fun of them, or laugh at them, or whatever the case may be.
48:01So, you know.
48:03Or will make fun of them, or laugh at them, or whatever the case may be.
48:09So, to have Jeff come out and call everybody out on it.
48:16Fair bloody play to you.
48:20Obviously, I'm planning, when I complete the show,
48:23to do a sort of, a bit of a ranking for some of the karaoke numbers.
48:30I've always thought about doing that.
48:32I thought that would be a fun thing to do.
48:34Because we've obviously had so many karaoke numbers on the show.
48:38Some good, some not so good.
48:41Some that were very story driven, kind of like this one.
48:45This could quite possibly take a top ten spot.
48:51Definitely possible.
48:55A great episode.
48:57The thing with the ID cards.
48:59I don't know where they've gone with it, for comedy purposes.
49:03In reality, it's a stupid idea.
49:07Not the idea of the cards in general,
49:10but doing them with the pictures and stuff.
49:12Because, obviously, let's say I go there.
49:14I go for a week.
49:16Use a bit of plastic.
49:17Print my name on it and everything.
49:19And then, I go to leave.
49:21And you're going to have to try and recycle that plastic card and reuse it again.
49:25If you just have it simple.
49:27That you just have a barcode or whatever.
49:30No picture, no name, no nothing.
49:32You just amend the details.
49:34So you have card number one, for example.
49:36That's registered to Kevin the Geek.
49:39I go home after a week.
49:41You take my details off and you switch it to a new person.
49:44You just reuse the cards.
49:47And you can combine them with your room cards.
49:50Which, again, they kind of say there at the end.
49:54You can get into the rooms with them.
49:56So, they had to get rid of the wristbands.
49:59And then also get rid of the room key cards that they would have had at that point.
50:04To give them a completely new one.
50:06Just literally update the room key.
50:09That's all you need to do.
50:10Hey, I'm being nitpicky.
50:12You know me, I like to nitpick.
50:14But, I enjoyed that episode.
50:16It was very cheesy.
50:18Very cheesy, but I enjoyed it.
50:20So, thank you.
50:22Thank you for watching this one with me.
50:24That was a really, really good episode with that one.
50:29And, obviously, a couple of days ago, I watched One Foot in the Grave.
50:37For the second time.
50:38Really, really good show.
50:40And I mentioned in that one that I've...
50:43Because the people had said to me, Annette Crosby, who was in that.
50:48She's actually the mother of Pauline in this show.
50:52And until someone pointed it out to me.
50:54And then I watched the next episode.
50:56I didn't realise.
50:57Which I should have done.
50:58Because their voices are obviously so similar, aren't they?
51:00You hear Pauline's voice.
51:01You hear Annette Crosby's in One Foot in the Grave.
51:03It's virtually identical.
51:05So, if you haven't seen that episode.
51:07I do highly go and recommend that you check out my reactions to it.
51:11Obviously, at the moment I've done two.
51:13Probably going to do more in the future.
51:15Because it's a good show so far.
51:17But, yeah.
51:18Thank you very much for joining me.
51:19You know the drill by now.
51:20Have a look at my Patreon.
51:21Have a look at subscribing if you're new.
51:23And of course, drop me a comment below, as always.
51:25But that's going to do it for today.
51:27Thank you so very much for joining me.
51:28For now, my name's Kevin.
51:29I'm a geek.
51:30And you've been watching Kevin the Geek.
51:32Goodbye.