According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00UNRESOLVED PROBLEMS
00:05CHILDHOOD
00:10CHILDHOOD
00:15CHILDHOOD
00:20CHILDHOOD
00:25What do you think you're doing? I beg your pardon?
00:42You just nearly stapled my face to the bamboo wall.
00:44Well, why was it up against the bamboo wall in the first place?
00:47I was putting up the posters you gave me. Why was your face up against the wall?
00:54I just like the way it feels.
00:59Oh, is there a competition?
01:02Yeah, it's a dance competition.
01:04Oh, lovely. What do you have to do?
01:09Dance.
01:10Oh, smashing!
01:12MUSIC PLAYS
01:22Sorry, I'm not laughing.
01:24Really? Then would you mind explaining that irritating noise you keep making?
01:29I can't believe you had your leg in plaster for the whole of your last holiday
01:33and now you've done this.
01:35Here you go. I got you some toast.
01:37What took you so long?
01:39Have you ever tried getting dressed with only one arm?
01:41No.
01:43Oh, I tell a lie.
01:45I once got off with a really, really fat bloke and he fell asleep on my arm.
01:49Was that like that film, 48 Hours?
01:52What, he was like a fat Eddie Murphy?
01:54Not 48 Hours, Naomi.
01:56Oh, the one where he plays a whole family and they're all fat?
01:59Er, Nutty Professor?
02:01No, the one where he gets trapped in a really tight hole and has to cut his arm off.
02:05I'm sorry, but for one, I don't believe the fat bloke had to cut his arm off
02:09and two, if he was with you,
02:11I certainly don't believe he got trapped in a really tight hole.
02:15Is this the singles table?
02:18What? Are you both single?
02:21Yeah.
02:23Oh, lovely.
02:27Oh, haven't you got a bonny face?
02:30There was a lass who looked like you round the pool yesterday.
02:34Only she didn't have her arm in a sling.
02:40So, that's one o'clock today, shampoo and set.
02:44Yeah, no problem.
02:46Unless you can do it now.
02:47No, I can't do it now.
02:48Why not?
02:49I'm waiting for a new member of staff to arrive.
02:51Well, why can't she, dummy?
02:53Because she's not here.
02:55Oh, Carmen, hola. Over here, love.
02:58Is that her?
02:59Yeah.
03:00Well, can she do it now?
03:01No.
03:02Why not?
03:03Because she doesn't speak any English.
03:05Oi!
03:07Oi!
03:09That's criminal damage, that.
03:10Well, I don't know why you're complaining.
03:12It's free advertising for your salon.
03:14Oof.
03:16Bloody hell, Carmen, you haven't left home, have you?
03:20What's in the suitcase, love?
03:24Oh, never mind, in you go.
03:27Come on, I may as well do you now, quick.
03:29Oh, freg that.
03:30I'm not paying for it when I can win this competition and get it done for free.
03:35It's a dance competition.
03:36I don't want to worry you, love, but you may be required to use your legs.
03:42Yeah.
03:44Yeah.
03:45I want to speak to my dad.
03:46Sorry, Mick, say that again. I can't hear you.
03:50Well, if you get here this afternoon, there's a dance competition on tonight.
03:55Yeah.
03:56That's what I thought.
03:58Is that your father?
03:59No, that's my mum.
04:00My dad's the one with the short hair and the deep voice.
04:03I don't know what's happening to you, Michael Garvey,
04:05but you're turning into quite a nasty piece of work.
04:08Yeah, I wonder where I get that from,
04:10cos there's none of that in our family.
04:14Have you booked your air?
04:15No.
04:18Oh, Mum, I said I wanted to speak to my dad.
04:20Oh, sorry, son.
04:21Well, he'll be here tonight, you can talk to him, then text from your phone.
04:25I haven't got no credit.
04:26Can I use your phone?
04:27I thought you only wanted a wash and blow dry.
04:29Mum!
04:30Very lazy race of people, the gays.
04:33And you can't say anything to them, cos their class is a minority.
04:37No, there seems to be a shortage of them.
04:40Morning.
04:42I don't think they're all lazy, that one never stops.
04:44Why does no-one ever listen to me?
04:47In my day, you had to ask permission to leave the table.
04:49Shove it.
04:51Are you going to stand for that?
04:53He didn't say it to me.
04:56He'll never win it.
04:57I've seen the dancing he does.
04:59All that writhing around on the floor like you're trying to break your own back.
05:02It's called street dancing.
05:05My Mel was a beautiful dancer.
05:07Very light on his feet.
05:11Maybe I could dance with our Michael.
05:13Mel wasn't that much taller than him.
05:16We used to do a jitterbug, it wouldn't take that long to teach him.
05:20There again.
05:23I could always resurrect my black bottom.
05:25Yeah.
05:27That'd cheer him up no end.
05:33Chambermaid!
05:35Chambermaid!
05:36Please, go away.
05:40Chambermaid!
05:42How did you open the door?
05:43Got a passkey.
05:44But you don't work for the hotel, how did you get that?
05:46Oh, it's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.
05:48Right, we've got a little light breakfast,
05:51and then we need to find you a dance partner.
05:53I don't want a dance partner, will you please just leave me alone?
05:56Oh, but I need you to win this competition so I don't have to pay out on the prize.
06:00Oh, come on.
06:01I know your dirty little secret.
06:04I beg your pardon?
06:05All them dance trophies you once tried to take to the car boot and Troy wouldn't let you.
06:09I won those when I was 12.
06:11Oh, bless.
06:12I can see you now in your little maroon catsuit,
06:14bursting at the seams like a little savloy in tap shoes.
06:17I'm not dancing for you, even if I wanted to, which I don't.
06:20That was almost 30 years ago.
06:22Oh, believe me, dancing's like the clap.
06:24Once you have it, you never lose it.
06:25Please, Kenneth, I won't ask you again.
06:27Just leave me alone.
06:29I was just trying...
06:30Please!
06:33It's not my fault you've had a row with Troy.
06:35I was just trying to make sure that you had a nice holiday.
06:38But fine.
06:39If you want me to go, that's just fine.
06:42I know what I'm not wanted.
06:44You won't see me again today.
06:50There's no point in letting this go to waste, is there?
06:53See you later.
06:54See you later.
06:58Yesterday she electrified swimmers in the pool
07:00with her stupid microphone,
07:01and today she said she'd shoot you with a gun.
07:03This woman, she has to go.
07:05It was a staple gun.
07:06Anyway, I'm pretty sure it was an accident.
07:08Ow!
07:09Hold still, young one. I'm nearly done.
07:10If we all stick together and say that we cannot work with her,
07:13they will sack her. Jess?
07:15Come on, has the mouse got your tongues?
07:18She looked like a scary drag queen
07:20with her big hair and too much make-up.
07:22No offence, Leslie.
07:23Yeah, but we've got rid of her now.
07:25What are you talking about?
07:26I'm saying now we've got the new one
07:29that you'll really like.
07:31Are you crazy?
07:32Listen to what I'm saying.
07:33I do not like the new manager.
07:35I...
07:38I...
07:39I...
07:42love her.
07:45I cannot explain it.
07:47Yes, she is beautiful,
07:49but it is more than that.
07:51Every time we are together,
07:53my heart beats so fast.
07:56But how can I say this to her?
07:58She's the boss, and I'm just a barman.
08:01A very good-looking barman.
08:03But just a barman.
08:05I know we can never be together.
08:11Miss Temple-Savage,
08:13how long have you been standing there?
08:15Not long.
08:17Carry on with your work, boys.
08:19Ladies.
08:21And it's...
08:23Miss Temple-Savage.
08:31I think I'll go the way with that one.
08:33Mateo.
08:40I'm not sure you did, Phil.
08:53All right.
08:54There you go.
08:55That should be okay.
08:58But I think for safety reasons,
09:00you should just stick to one person,
09:02one sunbed.
09:04My wife and I were practising the high lift from Dirty Dancing
09:08for the competition tonight.
09:10Right.
09:11Why don't you practise in the pool?
09:13Then next time, if you drop her,
09:15it won't be so dangerous.
09:17Oh, you think it should be me lifting Jacqueline?
09:27Oh, there you are.
09:31Three teas.
09:33You don't want to be drinking alcohol,
09:35not at this time of the day.
09:37You'll end up with a spastic liver
09:40by the time you're 40.
09:43Or 50.
09:45You know, I'm actually a year younger than Sam.
09:48Oh, are you?
09:50I am sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
09:53Come to think of it, you do look a similar age.
09:58If you don't count the face area.
10:02We were just saying, we don't mind if you want to sit somewhere else.
10:06We spend most of the day eyeing up men and talking about sex.
10:10We wouldn't want to offend you.
10:12Oh, I've been round the block a few times,
10:14I wouldn't you worry.
10:16I could be your lookout.
10:22Fresh bit of meat at 11 o'clock.
10:27Hey, nice one, Noreen!
10:36What can I do you for, young man?
10:38Hello, is Liam around?
10:40Not right now. Can I give him a message?
10:42Yeah, I just need to give him some keys.
10:44Ah, you must be Jack, his new flatmate.
10:47Liam's my son.
10:48Oh, hello. I thought you said his mum lived in the UK.
10:52She does.
10:54I'm his dad.
10:56Oh, right.
10:59Sorry, it's just that in Benidorm,
11:01you get loads of ugly middle-aged women with deep voices.
11:04No offence.
11:05No, no, no, no.
11:08I'll think.
11:10Yes, Pat?
11:11A cup of tea and a diet coke, please.
11:13Coming right up.
11:18Oh, my God.
11:21What are you doing here?
11:23I'm sorry?
11:24How did you know I was here?
11:25I didn't.
11:27Right, so it's a big coincidence, is it?
11:30Look, Jack, you got into enough trouble last time we met.
11:33I think it's best if you just go.
11:36How do you know my name?
11:38You what?
11:39You just called me Jack.
11:40How do you know my name? We met before.
11:42What?
11:43Well, apart from you stalking me and ruining my mother's wedding day.
11:46Are you taking the piss?
11:48You all moved in?
11:49All right, mate, yeah, sweet.
11:51All sorted.
11:52Yeah, one set of keys, returned as promised.
11:54Brilliant. I've just got to put up a sign.
11:56It'll only take ten minutes, then I'm on a break, so...
11:59I'll just chill here.
12:00Cool.
12:02Hope you find who you're looking for.
12:05One cup of tea, one day cook.
12:09Everything all right?
12:11No, it's not.
12:17Now, we need to make sure the water's not too hot.
12:20Hot?
12:22Mr Dixon's son's a solicitor.
12:23We don't want to be sued from Arsehole to Breakfast, do we?
12:25Actually, he's a barrister.
12:27Let's keep your mouth shut, Mr Dixon.
12:29We don't want it filling up with that water, do we?
12:32Now we put on the shampoo.
12:35Shampoo?
12:38That's right.
12:40Now, I know this seems extravagant for the amount of hair,
12:42but we never discriminate,
12:44even if the client is a breath away from death.
12:47It is perfume-free shampoo, isn't it?
12:50I've got a bit of an eczema problem around the scalp.
12:53Can you be quiet, please, Mr Dixon?
12:55Very tricky part of the operation is this.
12:57Plus, you may as well save your breath.
12:59Our Carmen's still not up to speed with the language.
13:01Lovely Carmen.
13:03Oh, that'll be the new sign.
13:05I'll be back in a minute.
13:13Morning, Mum.
13:16Are you going anywhere nice on your holidays?
13:23Oh, thanks, Slim.
13:24I owe you a drink.
13:25No worries.
13:26I said when it came, I'd put it up for you.
13:28Well, when you're finished with the sign,
13:30we can go and grab a spare room.
13:32Hey, cheeky.
13:34What's going on here?
13:36I'm rebranding.
13:38Blow and go.
13:41Take that sign down now.
13:45Leave that sign where it is.
13:48I'm telling you to take down that sign.
13:51And I am telling you to leave that sign where it is.
13:54Well, somebody make a decision.
13:55I don't know if I'm coming or going.
13:57It's this kind of filth that's going to downgrade us
14:00and I'm trying to get us up to a four.
14:05I think you'll find the only filth is in your mind.
14:08I am Derby Blow Wave champion six years running.
14:12I am at the cutting edge of fashion and hair design
14:16and I'm not letting you stand in the way of me
14:18attracting a young, hip, trendy clientele.
14:21I think I've had a bit of a reaction to that shampoo.
14:24Oh, my God!
14:31Of course it's him.
14:34I'd recognise that skinny little runt anywhere.
14:37He wants to thank his lucky stars my Mel's not still around.
14:40We'd have a bloodbath on our hands.
14:42What if he's still hanging around when Mick gets here?
14:45Oh, what's the point?
14:46If Mick starts, skinny or not,
14:48that lad will make mincemeat out of that big pudding.
14:51I beg your pardon?
14:52My husband's very capable of defending my honour.
14:55And where is he when you need him?
14:57He's been at home making sure we've got a business to go back to
15:00when we've finished this holiday.
15:02And when he comes here,
15:03he'll find you sitting there slavering over the lad
15:06you had a fling with.
15:07I did not have a fling with him.
15:09And I'm not slavering.
15:11I just told you.
15:12I met him once and he became obsessed with me.
15:16I can see that.
15:18Can't keep his eyes off you.
15:28Why are you girls sitting in the shade?
15:30You're welcome to join me here.
15:32I don't bite.
15:33Unless you ask nicely.
15:34I like the sound of that.
15:38All right, less is more.
15:40In the buffet of life,
15:41you get nothing for standing at the back of the queue.
15:50Excuse me, I want a word with you.
15:52Oh, no, not again.
15:53I don't know what your game is, my lad,
15:55but I'd make yourself scarce if I were you.
15:57Calm down, She-Ra.
15:59You what?
16:00Don't, Trudy, she's a nutter.
16:02Look, I think I can sort this out, ladies.
16:04I obviously look like someone you know.
16:06It's an easy mistake,
16:07but I can assure you we've never met.
16:10A case of rather sad but wishful thinking.
16:14Better luck next time, love.
16:16You're starting to get on my nerves, lady.
16:18It's just a misunderstanding.
16:20Just keep your distance, soft lad.
16:22Because if my husband sees you're still stalking me
16:24when he gets here later on, believe me,
16:26your life won't be worth living.
16:28Stalking you?
16:30I didn't realise it was grab-a-granny week.
16:33No, it's not.
16:36God!
16:37You strangle a slap a week.
16:39And unless you want a bit more of this,
16:41I recommend you take yourself, your skanky mate,
16:44and your 12-year-old boyfriend as far away from me as possible.
16:47Use both hands!
16:48I know what I'm doing, thank you, Mother!
16:51Oh, please!
16:52And for your information, I am a grandmother.
16:55I'm proud of it.
16:56What's going on here?
16:59Just a bit of friendly advice.
17:03You should have ripped her head off and thrown it in the pool.
17:06Don't be ridiculous, Mother.
17:08Our Michael's got to swim in that.
17:10Well?
17:11Well what?
17:12That mud bitch just nearly killed me.
17:15Shh, shh, shh.
17:16This is not the kind of behaviour we tolerate at a Solana resort.
17:22You're not in some rubbish Spanish all-inclusive now, you know.
17:28Got my eye on you two.
17:31That was unbelievable.
17:33Yeah.
17:34Thanks for jumping so gallantly to my defence.
17:37Oh, God, what do you call it?
17:39Grievous bodily harm.
17:40No, um, out of Star Wars.
17:43Darth Vader death grip, that's it.
17:45Wicked.
17:48Right, that's all sorted.
17:53See you made friends already.
18:01Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, senors and senoritas,
18:05mine hair and mine...him.
18:08Joyce Temple-Savage here, your Solana manageress,
18:11reminding you of tonight's dance competition.
18:14Rehearsal space will be available in the Hawaiian function room
18:18with coaching from TV's very own Cyril Bowcock.
18:33OK, OK, stop the music.
18:36Thank you, Irene, Brendan, just stay there for a minute now.
18:41Where do I start?
18:44That was supposed to be the Argentine tango.
18:47I saw nothing resembling a tango.
18:49The only thing that reminded me of Argentina
18:51was the fact that you look like two lumps of corned beef
18:53shuffling round the floor.
18:55OK, assume the position.
18:58No, no, no, no, no.
19:01This is the tango.
19:03It's about passion, it's about lust, it's about sex.
19:07I need you both oozing sexuality.
19:10That's it.
19:11I think Irene and Brendan could start oozing a few things,
19:14but sexuality's not one of them.
19:16You know, I like bald men who wear glasses.
19:19Do you? Oh, yeah.
19:21And I like bald men who don't wear glasses.
19:24Right.
19:25I'm quite keen on men with hair that don't wear glasses too.
19:29Oh, yeah.
19:30And, of course, I love men with hair that do wear glasses.
19:35Well, I suppose you could just save a bit of time
19:37and say you like all men, really.
19:40Oh, yeah.
19:42And women, of course.
19:44I'm not fussed either way if they wear glasses or not.
19:54I think you've made a road for your own bat as far as she's concerned, son.
19:58What does this mean?
19:59Rejoice, man. She thinks it's game on.
20:02One little smile from you, she'll jump on you like a tramp on a kipper.
20:05Can you stop talking like this? I do not understand.
20:08You've got to tell her you're not interested, man.
20:10You've got to lay your cards on the table.
20:12Lay them on the table?
20:13Absolutely.
20:14But remember, she's the boss.
20:16Just make sure you let her down gently.
20:18OK, you two.
20:19Maria and Peter are going to take over here.
20:21I want you both in the Hawaiian function room.
20:23A bit top-heavy on women dancers.
20:25You need a couple of men to balance things out.
20:27I know, but my wig was starting to tear from this heat anyway.
20:30I'll just go and swill my face.
20:32Spoken like a true lady.
20:33Mateo!
20:37A word, please.
20:39Come on, come on.
20:42Yeah.
20:50I think it's only fair to tell you that I heard what you said earlier.
20:54Yes, I need to talk to you about this.
20:57Yes.
20:58I am sorry I made a rot for you.
21:00Oh.
21:02Well, thankfully you were standing behind the bar at the time and nobody noticed.
21:07Miss Temple-Savage, listen to me.
21:11Yes.
21:12I have many cards and I need to lay you on the table.
21:16Please call me Joyce.
21:18Joyce, I need you to know how I feel.
21:22I want you to go down gently.
21:26Well, don't worry.
21:28I've got a lot of experience.
21:30You're in very safe hands.
21:32Um, you wanted to see me?
21:35Yes.
21:38I still at least carry you.
21:44Can you dance?
21:45No.
21:50Don't worry, I'm still there.
21:52What is?
21:53Your head.
21:56Here, I'll get that down your necks.
21:58Nice one.
22:01Everything all right?
22:03Oh, here he is.
22:04Come on, son, you're a drink behind.
22:06You lot go without me.
22:07I've got to stay here and dance with some pensioners.
22:09Oh, my God, mate.
22:10Your job is just mental.
22:14Is it for this dance competition?
22:16Yeah.
22:17I've told my boss I'm no good at dancing,
22:19but she said I've got to stay and make up the numbers.
22:21There's a prize for 100 Euros, isn't there?
22:23Well, I vouched for the salmon.
22:25Yeah.
22:26Great.
22:27I'll come with you.
22:28Why don't we all go?
22:29It'll be a laugh.
22:30Don't put yourself out.
22:34I don't think your mate likes me.
22:35No, I don't think she does.
22:36Oh, no.
22:37I'm choked.
22:38Did you get it?
22:39Choked.
22:41Yeah.
22:42Hilarious.
22:54Oh, no, no, stop the music.
22:57I'm sorry.
22:58I can't watch any more of this.
23:01Our friend in the yellow with the blistered forehead,
23:03your name is?
23:05Mr Dixon.
23:06Mr Dixon.
23:08I'm sorry, sir, but your timing is all over the place.
23:12Feet are very heavy and plodding.
23:14There's far too much hesitation.
23:16There's no connection with the music.
23:19I mean, it's a disaster.
23:20It's an unmitigated disaster.
23:22Well, I have to say,
23:23I haven't taken to the floor for some time.
23:26Well, you nearly took to the floor for the last time,
23:28the way our friend in blue was dragging you around the room
23:30to see if he owed you money or something.
23:32He what?
23:33I mean, a lady of your petite size
23:35should have style and grace to spare,
23:38but it's just terrible.
23:40What's your name, my darling?
23:42My name is Madge.
23:45Madge.
23:46I just don't know where to start.
23:48Your head position is all over the place.
23:50Your lines were dreadful.
23:52You're not extending from the hip.
23:54I'm lost for words.
23:56Really?
23:57Well, for somebody who doesn't know what to say,
24:00you're something of a gobshite.
24:02I beg your pardon?
24:04Listen here.
24:05I was doing the Viennese waltz before you could walk.
24:09And don't talk to me about style and grace.
24:12Standing there looking like a busted orange
24:14with your nylon wig and your big girl's blouse.
24:18And as for extending from the hip,
24:20I'll be extending my right fist into that fat, ugly face of yours
24:24if you don't learn some manners.
24:26Ladies and gents, I think it's time for a break.
24:29Yeah, be your fat neck if I get another peep out of you.
24:32Look, Maud...
24:33Madge!
24:34Madge!
24:35You're very welcome to leave at any time.
24:37I am merely here to offer people some expert advice
24:41and point them in the right direction.
24:43Direction?
24:44You couldn't direct piss into a bucket.
24:46Well, then, sit down.
24:48Yeah, show Squirrel some respect.
24:50Thank you. I beg your pardon?
24:52You are the teacher, she's the pupil.
24:54She should show you some respect.
24:56No, I mean, what did you call me?
24:58Squirrel.
25:00Squirrel?
25:01Yes, it is your name.
25:03Squirrel Bigcock.
25:05It's a stage name, yes?
25:07Squirrel Bigcock?
25:10My name is Cyril Babcock.
25:13Oh.
25:15It's the same, no?
25:16No, it is not the same, and I'll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself.
25:19You're staff, you should speak when you're spoken to.
25:22Hey, what is wrong with you?
25:24I was saying you are the teacher.
25:26If I was teaching someone to dance, I would want some respect.
25:29Yes, well, you're not a dancer.
25:31You bop up spilled drinks for a living.
25:33Now, go sit down, young man.
25:35Right, I think we could all do with a...
25:37I can dance better than you.
25:39Would you care to repeat that?
25:42I can dance better than you.
25:47Are you challenging me to a dance-off, young man?
25:52Mateo versus Squirrel.
25:55Let's do it.
25:59Music!
26:01Music!
26:21Let's go!
26:32What's going on here?
26:38Well, he's here to teach.
26:40You shouldn't be dancing like that. He's got a heart condition.
26:49Are you all right?
26:51Well, we worked together in a club med resort in the early 90s.
26:57I was a rep.
26:59And Cyril and his wife, well, they were resident dancing instructors.
27:04We were very close.
27:07I mean, just good friends. Of course, he was never alone.
27:19Anyway, that was all a long time ago.
27:29Another one bites the dust!
27:41Another one bites the dust!
27:45Shooter!
27:51All right!
27:53All right!
27:59Olé!
28:07Oh!
28:09Oh, my God.
28:11My God. Cyril, are you OK?
28:14Joyce. My darling Joyce.
28:17It's been a long time.
28:19Oh!
28:24Are you sure you don't want to see a doctor?
28:28I'm fine, I'm fine. I just need to get my breath back.
28:32I'd heard you were working here. I assumed you were avoiding me.
28:36Not at all. Why would I do that?
28:39I just didn't want to make things difficult for you.
28:43I know your wife didn't like me. I assumed she'd be here.
28:47Genevieve died in 2001.
28:50Oh, Cyril, I'm so sorry.
28:53It was a steamroller accident at a country fair.
28:56Oh, my God. She was run over by a steamroller?
28:59No, no, nothing as horrific as that.
29:02She were driving it. Had a heart attack at the wheel.
29:05So sorry.
29:07Two main loves in Genevieve's life were dance and agricultural machinery.
29:12She used to show tractors, ploughs and suchlike at these country fairs.
29:18It became something of an obsession.
29:21She was only 56 when she died.
29:24She'd just put a deposit down on a four-wheel drive,
29:27rear-mounted hydraulic potato sorter.
29:30Still lived on the day of her.
29:34She never even saw it.
29:38But listen to me, dancing down memory lane.
29:41How are you? You look radiant.
29:45You haven't aged a day since Thaleraki.
29:48I certainly feel as though I have.
29:50You know what? I'm fine. You know me.
29:52Same old Joyce, all work and no play.
29:55Married? No.
29:57You must have a gentleman friend.
29:59No, not really.
30:01I just don't understand it, Joyce.
30:04I was never what you call handsome, but I seem to get the pick of the crop.
30:08Whereas you, you are as beautiful and as ravishing as you were.
30:14As ravishing as you were 20 years ago.
30:17Yet you seem just as lonely.
30:19Something has happened.
30:22Very recently here, in fact.
30:25He's far too young for me.
30:27But he is very keen.
30:30Of course he is.
30:32You'd be a fool not to be.
30:35Ah, Squirrel.
30:37As you should, you are OK.
30:39I have somebody outside who can take you to the hospital.
30:43Suddenly, everything seems very clear.
30:47Oh, Mr Babcock is fine, Matteo, if you'd like to get back to your work.
30:52Oh, hey, Squirrel.
30:54You are a good dancer, do you know?
30:57I think you won.
30:59No.
31:01No, my friend.
31:04I think you'll find you are the winner.
31:13CHEERING
31:22OK, ladies and gentlemen,
31:24let's get this contest off to a great start
31:27with contestant number one.
31:30Please welcome to the floor, dancing the Lambada,
31:33Donald and Jacqueline Stewart.
31:36Let's hear it, folks!
31:38CHEERING
31:42MUSIC BEGINS
31:56Two sounds, one last time.
32:04Oh, my God, that is rough.
32:07You're actually not that bad.
32:09You're better than me and Trudy.
32:11How are you getting on with Sam? She's dead nice, isn't she?
32:14She's OK. Not my type, though.
32:17No? What is your type?
32:20Specific, mate.
32:24Very specific.
32:30She's going to put her back out
32:32and then when he falls on top of her, that'll be a lot.
32:35Thank you and good night.
32:37Are you nervous, Michael? I want him and Dad to see me.
32:40Where is he? He was supposed to be here eighties ago.
32:43Why aren't they round?
32:45The flight must have been delayed. He'll be here soon.
32:48Maybe he's had a better offer.
32:50What does that mean?
32:52He's always had a wandering eye, that one.
32:54On a plane.
32:56Oh, them young Dolly Bird stewardesses.
32:59Won't see him tonight.
33:01CHEERING
33:05Yeah, look, she's coming along now.
33:07You'd better say something or she'll be sniffing round you,
33:10sees me like a fly round a cow's arse.
33:12I've tried. I cannot make her understand.
33:14She must help me.
33:16Sorry, pal, you're only ruining this one.
33:22We need to talk.
33:24Get two gin and lemons and join me over there.
33:27Hello, I'd like gin.
33:29Oh, yes. Bring a drink for yourself.
33:32MUSIC STOPS
33:34CHEERING
33:42John Holden, Jeffery, there with their unique take on the Lambada.
33:47Can we have a mop of buckets on that floor, please?
33:50Next up, we have Michael Garvey with a solo street dance.
33:55Let's hear it for Michael.
34:01MUSIC PLAYS
34:32Joyce. Joyce.
34:34No, please, let me speak first.
34:36You and me, it's never going to happen, is it?
34:40What?
34:41You're a handsome man and I am very flattered.
34:45But you're not the one for me.
34:47OK.
34:49I know this is going to be very difficult,
34:51but you're going to have to put your passion for me to one side.
34:55I've already missed an opportunity to be with somebody
34:58that I care for very deeply.
35:01Now, circumstances mean there's another chance.
35:05And at my age, that's something you can't pass up.
35:11You're going to need some Dutch courage, aren't you?
35:16Oh, I'm so sorry. What is it you wanted to say to me?
35:19Sorry.
35:21MUSIC STOPS
35:25CHEERING
35:30APPLAUSE
35:35Michael Garvey there, with a very modern and novel routine.
35:40Next up, with a twist, we have
35:43Matteo Castellano and Noreen Maltby.
35:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:55MUSIC PLAYS
36:01MUSIC CONTINUES
36:24Oh, you little beauty!
36:26I'm not dancing. What are you having to drink?
36:28Nothing, I'm fine.
36:29Oh, well, this is going to be a fun evening, isn't it?
36:32He hasn't called.
36:33No, of course he hasn't called you.
36:35It was you who suggested coming out here on your own.
36:38Oh, look, just because he hasn't rung,
36:41it doesn't mean he loves you any less.
36:43No, it's quite the reverse, you see.
36:45He thinks that you've asked for a bit of space and he's given it to you.
36:48That's how much he loves you.
36:59And will you please show how much you love me
37:01and win this competition so I don't have to pay out?
37:04I'm not dancing with you.
37:06Yes!
37:07Now, don't worry, your dance partner should be along any minute now.
37:10Hmm.
37:12MUSIC CONTINUES
37:24MUSIC CONTINUES
37:29MUSIC CONTINUES
37:54APPLAUSE
37:58MUSIC CONTINUES
38:08I don't think Sam and Jack are getting on too well.
38:10I think he likes her. Really?
38:12Well, when I say that, I mean he hasn't tried to strangle her yet.
38:15A little bit weird, isn't it?
38:17I thought he was your mate.
38:18No, he just answered a lad in the paper about his spare room.
38:21And you just gave it to the first person you came up with?
38:24Genius.
38:25APPLAUSE
38:28APPLAUSE
38:32That was Liam and Trudy.
38:34Very nicely done.
38:36Next on the floor, with a pas de deux, Blake,
38:38Gavin Ramsbottom and partner...
38:41Come on, you, get on your feet.
38:43It's you, isn't it? I'm dancing with you.
38:45You don't have to care about it. I might make you a fool of myself.
38:52MUSIC PLAYS
38:59MUSIC CONTINUES
39:15MUSIC PLAYS
39:28MUSIC CONTINUES
39:30MUSIC CONTINUES
39:56APPLAUSE
40:01APPLAUSE
40:05There's a turn-up for the mooks.
40:07The pros are in tonight, folks.
40:09Next in line are Janice and Mick Garvey.
40:13APPLAUSE
40:16Sorry, sorry, love, he's not here.
40:18Well, there's a surprise.
40:20I wonder who she is this time.
40:23I've never spoken to you like this before, Mother,
40:25and God forgive me for saying it,
40:27but if you shut your gob, I will happily shut it for you.
40:30Never mind.
40:32That just leaves us with our final contestants,
40:34Jack and Sam.
40:36APPLAUSE
40:38That's what you tell us. We do have some standards, you know.
40:40Where are you, Jack?
40:42Did you rehearse anything?
40:43Yeah.
40:44That's what you're supposed to be doing.
40:46Gentlemen, excuse me. How's that go?
40:48It's easy. Excuse me.
40:50May I have this dance?
40:52No, you may not. Now, piss off.
40:54No, no, that's not very nice.
40:56APPLAUSE
41:09What is wrong with your mate?
41:11I told you. He's mental.
41:13He's not me mate, he's just dancing mad upon your paper.
41:17Mad for what? Psychotic nutjob?
41:22Let go of me.
41:24I'm sorry for pretending not to recognise you, Janice.
41:27It's just that last time we bummed into each other,
41:29you weren't all that clean,
41:31so I thought I'd try a bit of reverse psychology.
41:33It never did work.
41:35I realised I would have to go for some good old-fashioned brute force.
41:37Let go of me.
41:39I don't even know what a man's good at being a woman.
41:41I believe that, let's see it.
41:43That's an easy newbie, isn't it?
41:46MUSIC CONTINUES
41:53I just suddenly thought he was helping out.
41:55Have you got here? Yeah, well, I'm here now.
42:01What do I look like to you?
42:03What? Outside for now.
42:05I thought I'd left you a pair of balls.
42:07Outside.
42:15What?
42:17Keys. What?
42:19Keys to me flat have changed my mind.
42:21Don't be like that, mate.
42:23I thought we were friends.
42:25I don't want a coward who goes round
42:27threatening women as a flatmate,
42:29and I certainly don't want him as a friend.
42:31I'm sorry, mate. That's not the way I see it.
42:35I want my keys back.
42:37What? These?
42:39Yeah. Oops.
42:42I think you'll find these are my keys.
42:45You can't stay in someone's flat when they don't want you there.
42:48Really? Who says I can't?
42:52I do.
42:53Oh, my God, you've killed him!
42:55Of course I haven't, soft lad.
42:57Have you never smashed anyone over the head with a bottle of beer before?
43:00No, I haven't! Come on.
43:02They're about to announce the winner of the dance competition.
43:05But we can't just leave him there in the middle of the street.
43:09OK, ladies and gentlemen,
43:11it's Gabby the Ram's bottom and partner!
43:24Well done, everybody.
43:26And remember, it's not the taking part, it's the winning that counts.
43:30And now, if you'd like to all join in,
43:33it's the last dance of the evening.
43:38APPLAUSE
43:45I wonder, should I go or should I stay?
43:52The band had only one more song to play.
43:58So, on a scale of one to ten, how much have you missed me?
44:01Is everything all right with the shop?
44:03Did they find out the cause of the fire?
44:05Oh, that much?
44:06Did I miss you, silly sod? I'm just asking.
44:09The cause of the fire were them cheap tanning tubes I bought off Chinese Eric.
44:13The whole place went up like a bunch of drag squigs.
44:15Bloody hell.
44:16Thank God when you travel in one shop.
44:18Yeah. Thank God.
44:26Joyce, I... I don't know what to say.
44:29I'm not the man I used to be.
44:31I can hardly compete with you, young chap.
44:35He never was my chap.
44:38I leave for Thailand tomorrow.
44:41A month-long contract,
44:43choreographing for the Bobby Chung situation.
44:46A what?
44:48A ladyboy review in Bangkok.
44:50Hmm.
44:52I'll be back in four weeks.
44:54Wait for me.
44:56You know where to find me.
44:59Let's dance with you.
45:05What are we going to do?
45:07What do you mean?
45:08What do you think I mean?
45:09Everything's insured. There's nothing to worry about.
45:11When you took over the shops from them,
45:13you said insurance was a mugs game and refused to pay it.
45:16Of course I paid it. Now, come on, stop worrying.
45:19One of the shops burns to the ground and he says stop worrying.
45:21Oi, come here.
45:23Just tell me you paid the insurance premium, Nick.
45:26What do you take me for, some kind of idiot?
45:29Now, come here.
45:47Can somebody help me, please?
45:50Hello?
45:52Can somebody help me, please?