According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:30This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
01:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
01:30Take advice from someone who knows they can never be too big.
01:33No, the problem is, if I grow this big,
01:36nobody's going to be looking at me face.
01:38Perfect, such as kill one bird with two stones.
01:41MUSIC PLAYS
01:59Whatever that is in my back, get it out now.
02:03Oh, God, it's buzzing! Get it off me!
02:06It's my phone.
02:08Must have fallen asleep playing snake.
02:10Now you know how I feel.
02:12It's from my brother.
02:13Oh, does he not know we're on holiday?
02:16Oh, God.
02:18What?
02:20Shit.
02:21What?
02:23It's not your dad, is it?
02:28Oh, God, Mick, I'm so sorry.
02:31You will be.
02:33They're coming to Benidorm.
02:39Your dad can mix a mean cocktail,
02:42but he's rubbish at nicking stuff for work.
02:45No, he's choosing a new pair of breasts.
02:49Oh, of course. Silly me.
02:52I hope he don't go too big.
02:54I wouldn't want my dad to look ridiculous.
02:57No, you wouldn't want that.
03:00I think I'm just going to lie on this lounger all day and not move.
03:05They'll have to scrape me off with a fish slice.
03:08Knock yourself out.
03:10That's the beauty of an all-inclusive.
03:12You don't have to move.
03:14You even get free entertainment.
03:16I might drag myself in the pool a bit later, though.
03:19I could do with working off a few pounds.
03:22Rubbish.
03:23We look really good.
03:25We're not exactly the fat slags, are we?
03:29Well, at least we're not fat.
03:33She's lost loads of weight, you know.
03:36That one with the face like a dog's chew toy.
03:39She's really thin now.
03:41So would I be if I'd had him rolling on top of me for 30 years.
03:48I'm thinking of going on the Atkins diet.
03:51God, I want to be thin, but then I'll be fat.
03:54I don't want to be fat.
03:56I don't want to be fat.
03:58I'm thinking of going on the Atkins diet.
04:00God, I want to be thin,
04:02but there is no way you get meat in pet food.
04:06You're thinking of catkins?
04:08Oh, yeah.
04:10What's the Atkins?
04:12Meat for breakfast, meat for dinner, meat for your tea
04:15and meat for your midnight snack.
04:17You won't get any meat here after midnight.
04:20You want a bath?
04:29HE LAUGHS
04:33Is Uncle Pete really coming to Spain, Dad?
04:35Apparently. And Grandad Gary?
04:37Yeah, they're here for Uncle Pete's stag do.
04:39Oh, cool, can I go? No, you bloody can't.
04:41That's going to him, mad arse. You should be happy for him.
04:44I've got enough on my plate right now
04:46without having to organise a stag do for him and his idiot mates.
04:49He might have organised his own stag do.
04:52Why does my dad not like Uncle Pete?
04:54He's a bonehead, a lazy tight arse, that's why.
04:56I'm saying nothing.
04:57Where the friggin' hell have you been?
04:59You've missed breakfast, you know.
05:01They tried to give us all peppermint tea.
05:04Peppermint tea in a glass?
05:06I said I'd rather drink my own piss.
05:08Mother!
05:09What are they thinking, giving us muck like that?
05:11It's good for your digestion.
05:13Bollocks.
05:14Fag and a couple of rennies keep me regular.
05:16Hey, ma'am, we're having visitors.
05:18Pete and his mates are coming over for his stag.
05:21Not Gormless Pete, your brother?
05:23Yeah.
05:24I should marry that big useless lump.
05:26Hey, some of us love our big useless lumps, don't we, darling?
05:29I'm not in the mood.
05:31I'm off to reception to wait for him.
05:33Well, you want to keep your eye on him.
05:35I know what these stag nights are like.
05:38They'll be tottering round from one sex bar to the next,
05:42drinking tequila slappers, licking cream off a stripper.
05:46Don't be ridiculous.
05:48Anyway, my Mick don't like squirty cream, do you?
05:51You mark my words, Janice.
05:53If he goes out on this stag,
05:55you'll not see him till six o'clock tomorrow morning
05:57when they'll be coming in prophylactic.
05:59All right, Mother, we've heard you.
06:01Why are they coming to Benidorm?
06:03Why are you texting me?
06:05He's your brother.
06:07Oh.
06:09He'll be all right.
06:16No running by the pool. That's how planes get to happen.
06:20What's going on here?
06:22Oh, we are just deciding on the size of Les's boobies.
06:25I won't go too big. You could come a cropper.
06:28I've got a sister who went up to 32 double J.
06:31Now she can't get round Sainsbury's
06:33if the trolley hasn't got a baby seat.
06:36Could you do this on your own time, please?
06:39Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry.
06:41I've just been doing the payroll,
06:43and I've realised that we don't have any money.
06:46I've just been doing the payroll,
06:48and I've realised that we don't have any lifeguards on duty.
06:52Now, you all know what that means, don't you?
06:54It means if there's an accident, we might lose a guest.
06:57Worse than that, we could lose a star.
06:59Well, I did a first-aid course
07:01with the St John's Ambulance a few years back.
07:03Very good.
07:04Mateo?
07:05Hmm?
07:06Do you know CPR?
07:08I just, from Star Wars.
07:10Come, my little friend, we must save Master Lo.
07:13No, that's some kick-ass.
07:15Anyway, I want one of you poolside at all times
07:18on one of those high chairs,
07:19but you'll have to use a stepladder for now
07:21because I'm not made of money.
07:22Aye, no worries,
07:23but we'll have to change into more appropriate clothing
07:25to do that, Joyce.
07:26It's just ticking a box.
07:27Oh, yeah, right, I'll go and get my gear.
07:31And wash that fruit.
07:33Right.
07:40I don't like black.
07:42A hit for the Boomtown Rats in 1979.
07:46Any clues?
07:47Seven letters, M something N.
07:52Monkeys.
07:53Oh, yeah, it fits.
07:56He wanted to shoot them all down, didn't he?
07:59Yeah, it's a very troubled soul, that Bob Gandalf.
08:03Didn't his wife have an affair with Rolf Harris?
08:07Well, indeed.
08:13Psst.
08:15Hello.
08:16Oh, excuse me.
08:18Is this the Hotel Solano?
08:20Yes.
08:21Are you looking for someone?
08:23Yeah, I'm looking for my brother, Mick Garvey.
08:27Do you know him?
08:28Know him?
08:29He's a close personal friend of ours, Donald Stewart.
08:32Good to know you.
08:34Pete, Pete Garvey.
08:36And this is my wife, Jacqueline.
08:41Hello.
08:42Stop pissing about and get us in, will you?
08:44Keep your wig on, Dad.
08:46The thing is, Don, we haven't got any wristbands,
08:49so we were wondering if there was a gap in the hedge
08:52so that we could sneak in.
08:53Yes, leave it to me.
08:55I'm a dab hand at tunnelling my way through dense foliage.
08:59Isn't that right, Jacqueline?
09:00Oh, yeah.
09:02Joyce Temple-Savage here, your Solano manageress.
09:06All patrons kindly note that running, bobbing and diving
09:11are henceforth outlawed in and around the pool area.
09:16Gracias for your indulgence.
09:18Frig off, back to easy jet, you dried-up old sow.
09:28What the frig's going on over there?
09:36Come on, Bob, deep breaths.
09:41Here they are, back together at last.
09:43Let's go, boss!
09:46Hiya, Pete.
09:47You all right, Stan?
09:49I'm jiggered.
09:50He's had me walking up and down like a knob all morning.
09:53No point shelling out in taxes, is there?
09:55Jan!
09:58Hiya, love.
10:00You all right, Dad?
10:01I will be.
10:02When you get me a bloody drink, I'll let me sit down.
10:06I can see you're sat there.
10:07Don't get up.
10:08I've no intention of getting up, thank you very much.
10:11So has everybody else.
10:12How do you mean?
10:13Feast I do.
10:14Oh, it's just me and Dad.
10:15Sorry, didn't I say?
10:16Keep it in the family.
10:17So, uh, where are you staying?
10:19Thought we could keep down at yours.
10:21It's only for one night.
10:22Oh, yeah?
10:23And we'll sort you out with all your drinks, all your meals.
10:28Come on, man, why don't we go to the bar and get the beers in?
10:31Get a frigging tray.
10:32Man.
10:34We'll leave you to settle in.
10:35See you in a bit.
10:38Out of the way.
10:42Now, is there any decent quim worth nosing out?
10:46And I don't mean Spanish girls with hair all up to their navels.
10:49A couple of nice English lasses will do.
10:51Isn't that right, Pete?
10:53Well, we are on holiday!
10:57So am I.
11:05You spot a hot guy across the room at a party.
11:09Do you A, accidentally brush up against him to start a conversation,
11:13B, stay where you are until he notices you,
11:16or C, drag him to the bedroom,
11:18whispering this thong isn't going to peel itself off?
11:23You're playing hard to get, aren't you?
11:25I think I'd go for D.
11:26Hand him a glass and say,
11:27does this drink taste ever a hypno to you?
11:30Oh, good morning, twinkled toes.
11:32Hey, come and do this quiz.
11:33It tells you where you are on the slotometer
11:35from Sister Wendy to Christina Aguilera.
11:38Troy's breaking up with me.
11:40What?
11:42I just got a text from him this morning.
11:44It seems 48 hours out of his company
11:46has convinced him he's better off without me.
11:48You can't be serious.
11:49Come here, let's have a look at that.
11:52I think we both know that this situation has become unworkable.
11:57And after careful consideration,
11:59I've decided to ask you to move out of the house.
12:01Don't read it all.
12:03If your bags aren't packed by the end of the month,
12:06I'll have no option but to take legal action.
12:08This is outrageous.
12:09He sent several messages that I couldn't read them.
12:12I felt sick.
12:13He always did have a temper, that one.
12:15I remember once when he caught me
12:16smuggling bog rolls out the salon in my puffer jacket.
12:18He went ballistic.
12:20We were married for four years.
12:22There's more to a relationship
12:23than a couple of fistfuls of Andrex.
12:25Not in my experience.
12:27I've got to go back.
12:28I can't deal with this over the telephone.
12:30Oh, no you don't.
12:31Come here.
12:32Look, he's made his big statement.
12:33Now let him stew for a while.
12:35The best policy is total radio silence.
12:37Isn't that right, Carmen?
12:40See?
12:41But I can't just...
12:42No, no, no.
12:43Trust your Auntie Kenneth.
12:44Look, give it 24 hours.
12:45No calls, no text and no emails.
12:49Come out on the ranch tonight,
12:51snog a total stranger
12:52and put yourself on that slotometer.
12:54Because you are beautiful,
12:56no matter what they say.
12:59Please.
13:01Don't sing.
13:02I'm depressed enough as it is.
13:04And no, I won't be joining you
13:05on your sordid little jaunt
13:06round the back streets of Benidorm.
13:08I have far too much self-respect for that.
13:10Yeah, all right.
13:12Oh, but you will stay the night, won't you?
13:13Play a bit of Art to Get.
13:15When it comes to moody silences,
13:17I practically read the book.
13:19If that's not an oxymoron.
13:20Oh, he's not a moron.
13:21He's just overreacted a bit, that's all.
13:30I told Pete who was the lucky girl.
13:32Oh, you love her, Janice.
13:34Her name's Cathy.
13:35She's a real babe, isn't she, Dad?
13:37Aye, just like in the film.
13:39You never mentioned her before?
13:41No, no, it's been a whirlwind romance.
13:43I only met her six weeks ago.
13:45Where did you meet her?
13:46Louita Swords in Blackpool.
13:48I was staring at her for ages
13:50because I thought she was Myra Hindley
13:52and I couldn't understand
13:53what she was doing with the royal family.
13:55Then she moved and jumped out of my skin.
13:59She laughed when I told her, like.
14:01You told her you thought she was Myra Hindley?
14:03Oh, aye.
14:04And they say romance is dead.
14:08Must be costing a bit, then, organising a wedding.
14:11It's not too bad, really.
14:13Her parents are paying for the venue.
14:15I'm putting in for the night do,
14:17you know, the buffet, the disco and all that.
14:19You will come, won't you?
14:21We haven't done invitations yet.
14:23So the rabbit farm never worked out, then?
14:26No, no, we, er...
14:28We had to wind that one up, didn't we, Dad?
14:30Aye.
14:31Rabbit farm?
14:32Yeah.
14:33I lent him 1,500 quid six months ago.
14:35You were meant to be paying me back about now, weren't you?
14:37Ah, well, you see, I had to lay out on the hutch.
14:40And the hutch was key to the operation and the fencing.
14:43And we bought two Californian whites
14:45from that car boot sale in Wigan.
14:47But to be honest with you, Mick, I think we were conned.
14:50To be honest with you, Mick, I think we were conned.
14:53They were both bucks.
14:54You what?
14:55I swear, I saw them cuddling up and copulating and all that,
14:59but maybe they were just trying to keep warm.
15:02Now, this was in February.
15:03Hang on a minute.
15:05You spent my 1,500 quid on a hutch and two gay rabbits?
15:09Where did you get 1,500 quid from?
15:11I took it out of the business.
15:12You did what?
15:13Oh, don't you start.
15:14Them sunbed shops were in my name.
15:16What do you mean WERE in your name?
15:18I mean ARE in mine.
15:19Mother, we've been through this.
15:20What happened to the rabbits?
15:22Hot pot.
15:24I turned the paws into key rings, but nobody would buy them.
15:27Because they bloody stank.
15:28Well, at least you won't lose your keys.
15:30So are you going to stand by and let him piss my inheritance away
15:33on a frigging petting zoo?
15:35What do you mean, your inheritance?
15:36I want that money paying back.
15:38Do you hear me?
15:39To be fair, Madge, this was a valid business preposition.
15:42Someone did it on Dragon's Den.
15:44Not with queer bloody rabbits, they didn't.
15:46I've had enough of this. I need that money back, Pete.
15:48Mick, I'm going to pay you back, but I've got the wedding.
15:50Frig the wedding.
15:51Oh, don't tell him to frig his wedding, Mick.
15:53That's not nice.
15:55We call them Elton and Dale.
15:58Bummy rabbits.
16:06Oh, big family reunions, don't you?
16:10Yes, though Mick's not as big as he used to be.
16:13No.
16:14Shame Norian isn't here to join in the celebrations.
16:17Is she related to them as well?
16:20Yes, do you remember Norian's son, Jeff?
16:23The fat one with the wispy beard?
16:25Yes, and you remember the Garvey's daughter, Chantelle?
16:28The fat one with the wispy beard?
16:31Yes, well, they're living together now
16:33in Chorldon-Come-Hardy with a baby on the way.
16:36I bet they make a bonnie baby together.
16:40Hmm.
16:48Have you been all right?
16:51Yes.
16:53Do you need a hand?
16:55No.
16:58Are you going to be doing any DIY?
17:00Strictly speaking, that should be my responsibility.
17:03I'm sitting here as lifeguard.
17:09You're a lifeguard?
17:11Yes.
17:13To make people feel safe.
17:15Cool.
17:17Do you think I could have a go?
17:20I did that thing at school where you had to swim underwater
17:23and pick up a rubber brick in your pyjamas,
17:25but I didn't get my certificate
17:27because I got caught peeing in the pool.
17:29How could they tell?
17:31Or standing on the diving board.
17:33Liam.
17:34Go away.
17:37Look!
17:43Aye, aye.
17:45Spanish chorizo at two o'clock.
17:47It's quite greasy, that, isn't it?
17:49Doesn't bother me.
17:51Are you sure you can have that on the Atkins?
17:53Oh, yeah.
17:54Three portions a day.
17:56And you wouldn't have a vegetable with it?
17:58Nah.
17:59You'd have to watch.
18:01What?
18:04Are you not still lusting after him, are you?
18:07I told you, he's married with kids.
18:09Have you never heard of a holiday romance?
18:11He's not on holiday, is he?
18:13No.
18:14But I am.
18:16And I intend to get a bit of mouth-to-mouth
18:18off Mr Hasemoff over there.
18:20Well, I'm just advising you against it, Trudy, that's all.
18:23Thanks.
18:24But if I'd wanted a conscience,
18:26I'd have come on holiday with Jiminy Cricket.
18:28OK, fine, it's no skin off my minge.
18:31But if he had been interested in you,
18:33he'd have tried it on by now.
18:35Oh, yeah?
18:36Help!
18:40Help!
18:41Help!
18:42Mateo!
18:43Oh, my God.
18:44Oh.
18:45Oh.
18:46Oh.
18:47Joyce Tenderson's here, a staff announcement.
18:50Mateo is suddenly drowning in the pool.
18:53What?
18:54Help!
18:55I must get to my letter, please.
18:59Help!
19:00Help!
19:02Help!
19:03My friend's drowning.
19:04Oh, dear, what a shame.
19:06Aren't you going to dive in and help her?
19:08Just put a load of fake tan on.
19:10But I would...
19:11I left my pyjamas at home.
19:14Help!
19:15Look at that, Susie.
19:20Help!
19:23You OK?
19:24I'm drowning.
19:25I made you safe.
19:27Oh, dear.
19:28Come on.
19:29Oh, dear, you're heavy.
19:30Oh, come on.
19:31Help.
19:32Oh, dear.
19:33Ow.
19:38We need to keep her alive till she gets in the ambulance.
19:41Mateo, do your CPR.
19:43This is no time to make impressions.
19:45Quick.
19:46I don't know what to do.
19:47I think you may just straddle her.
19:49Oh, I don't think that's right, is it?
19:51Oh, she's saying yes.
19:52Look, she's saying yes.
19:53Unbelievable.
19:55Give her the kiss of life.
19:56I don't know what this is.
19:57What is it?
19:58Right, lean her head back, open her mouth and breathe.
20:04Wait!
20:05Wait!
20:21I'm sorry, I'm not ashamed.
20:23And I've just been smoking a rollie, so it mightn't taste that great,
20:26but it will save your life, OK?
20:29Here goes.
20:40So she's all right now, then?
20:41I think so, aye.
20:43The doctor gave her a sedative, told her to take it easy.
20:45It's a good job you were on hand, Les.
20:47Aye.
20:48She went into spasms a few times late,
20:50but I just knelt on her arms and kept pumping.
20:52Well, we've all been there, love.
20:56Oh, I ain't been stuck in here.
20:58I miss all the fun.
20:59A girl nearly drowned, Kenneth.
21:01It's hardly the grand final, it's just on Frontier.
21:04Speaking of which, I've heard there's a stag do heading out tonight in its fancy dress.
21:07No.
21:08Well, I was just going to say that if you wanted to...
21:09No!
21:10I do not wish to wear a hat in the shape of a penis
21:12and stagger around Benidorm with a drunken mob singing tits out for the lads.
21:15Oh, no, you'll be with me, I'll make sure nobody bothers you.
21:17Very droll.
21:18But did you, or did you not agree that you were going to come out tonight
21:21and try and have some fun?
21:22Yes, but I didn't...
21:23Good.
21:24Because you're going on a date.
21:25A date?
21:26Sorry, am I suddenly in the middle of Dawson's Creek?
21:28Well, you might be if you play your cards right, but his name's not Dawson.
21:31Whose name?
21:32Do you remember Emilio,
21:34that cute little waiter who worked in the Pink Trombone?
21:37The one that tried to poke me on Facebook?
21:39The same.
21:40Well, you have just arranged to meet him in the Old Town tonight.
21:43Give me that.
21:44No phone till tomorrow, remember?
21:47I don't need you playing matchmaker for me, thank you very much.
21:50I'm married to Troy,
21:51and until I've seen him face to face and discussed the situation,
21:54I remain his partner, civil or otherwise.
21:56Oh, look, I'm just winding you up.
21:58It's not a date, OK?
22:00Emilio's a really nice guy, you get on,
22:02and I just thought you'd have loads to talk about, that's all.
22:05Do you know what I mean?
22:06He's into museums and galleries and crap like that,
22:08and you know me, Gavin, I don't know good art from a good fart.
22:11Quite, I seem to remember a rather heated argument about Botticelli.
22:14Exactly.
22:15Honestly, I thought it was a hemorrhoid cream.
22:18Oh, please, Gavin, please see Emilio tonight.
22:21You'll enjoy some good civilised conversation.
22:24And for my sake, as much as yours.
22:27I'm sorry, it just wouldn't feel right.
22:29Oh, well, fair enough, I'll just give him a ring
22:31and tell him you're coming on the stag do with me.
22:33Wait. Hang on.
22:35This is definitely not a date.
22:37How many times?
22:39OK.
22:42OK.
22:44I didn't really bring anything smart with me.
22:46And that's why I got invented shopping.
22:57Right, I've filled out the accident book
22:59and I've made it sound like a bit of hijinks that got out of hand.
23:03I don't want a stain on my record so soon after arriving.
23:06Now, I want you to go to the printers
23:09and get posters made up with these rules for people using the pool.
23:13We can't be too careful now.
23:15Sure, no problem.
23:16Oh, and I want them putting up throughout the resort.
23:20I'm going to impose discipline on this place if it kills me.
23:25We should be so lucky.
23:28There you go, my friend.
23:30One little blue pill, but you don't tell nobody where you get it, yes?
23:33Cheers. Appreciate it.
23:36So, do you hope to get lucky tonight?
23:39Fingers crossed.
23:40I've no problem catching the fish,
23:42but I can't always...
23:46Ah, well, in Benidorm, there are many types of sea creatures.
23:50But if you're going to the English Square, take a harpoon.
23:53Thanks, son.
23:55I'll charge it to my room. Garvey.
23:57Charge it to your room.
23:59Where do you think you are? The Ritz?
24:01Ten euros.
24:02I've got no cash on me. I'll give it to you later.
24:05Tonight, in Neptune's, you owe me ten euros.
24:08But do not forget.
24:11Ten euros? For what?
24:15What are you up to?
24:18Nothing.
24:20I've got a bit of a headache. A fella gave me an aspirin.
24:23Charged you ten euros for it?
24:25Robbie's Spanish bastards.
24:28Anyway, you're to come up to the apartments and get changed.
24:32Your costumes have arrived.
24:34All right, I'll be up in a minute.
24:37Grandad!
24:40I've just seen Uncle Pete.
24:42He said I can come out on the stag do tonight.
24:44Oh, grand.
24:45Are you coming or what?
24:48Yeah, I think I might be.
24:59Dad said he's running late. He's going to catch up with us later.
25:02How come? He just said something had popped up.
25:04Listen, Mick, I've got plenty of cash down here in my bum bag,
25:07so I don't want you paying for everything, all right?
25:09Don't want any more arguments about money.
25:11Dad, can I have a shandy? No.
25:13Why? Uncle Pete said I could.
25:15Maybe just the wrong cocktail or something.
25:17It'll help him get in the party mood.
25:19Let's just get going. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish.
25:22Hello, boys!
25:24Hey!
25:25Well, aren't we in for a fun-filled night?
25:28Sorry, are you...?
25:29I invited Don along when he helped us through the edge.
25:31Fancy dress was his idea, actually.
25:33When you're with a stag party in fancy dress,
25:35you often get the first drink for free!
25:37Free!
25:38Yeah, well, that figures.
25:40Great costume.
25:41Thank you. I've never really been into drag before,
25:44but recently I served some time at Her Majesty's Pleasure
25:47and I was dismayed at the meagre amounts of food we were given.
25:50Luckily, I became Mr Big's prison bitch
25:54and watched my portions practically double overnight.
25:58HE LAUGHS
26:00I'll be going there for a minute.
26:04Are you here for the fancy dress party?
26:06It's not a fancy dress party. It's a stag night.
26:08Oh, cos Michael said it'd be all right if I came along with you.
26:11It's my night off tonight.
26:12Can you, Dad, please? I want someone more my age.
26:15Of course you can. The more, the merrier.
26:17Costume not arrived?
26:18Oh, this is it.
26:19My dad said to say I'm a premature ejaculation.
26:21I've just come in my pants.
26:24I don't get it.
26:27Neither do I.
26:28Can we just go now, please?
26:30You bitch!
26:31This town isn't big enough for the both of us, Donald.
26:34I think you'll find there's only one of us here as the figure for this dress.
26:38Kerner! You look wonderful!
26:41I'm Pete. Pleased to meet you.
26:43Peter Hayworth.
26:44Miss, I hope you don't mind, I heard you hitting the town tonight
26:47and you know what they say, every stag needs a bit of drag.
26:50I'll second that.
26:51I said drag, not slag.
26:53Right, let's go and paint this town scarlet.
26:56Let's go.
27:26Let's go.
27:56Let's go.
27:57Let's go.
27:58Let's go.
27:59Let's go.
28:00Let's go.
28:01Let's go.
28:02Let's go.
28:03Let's go.
28:04Let's go.
28:05Let's go.
28:06Let's go.
28:07Let's go.
28:08Let's go.
28:09Let's go.
28:10Let's go.
28:11Let's go.
28:12Let's go.
28:13Let's go.
28:14Let's go.
28:15Let's go.
28:16Let's go.
28:17Let's go.
28:18Let's go.
28:19Let's go.
28:20Let's go.
28:21Let's go.
28:22Let's go.
28:23Let's go.
28:24Let's go.
28:25Let's go.
28:26Let's go.
28:27Let's go.
28:28Let's go.
28:29Let's go.
28:30Let's go.
28:31Let's go.
28:32Let's go.
28:33Let's go.
28:34Let's go.
28:35Let's go.
28:36Let's go.
28:37Let's go.
28:38Let's go.
28:39Let's go.
28:40Let's go.
28:41Let's go.
28:42Let's go.
28:43Let's go.
28:44Let's go.
28:45Let's go.
28:46Let's go.
28:47Let's go.
28:48Let's go.
28:49Let's go.
28:50Let's go.
28:51Let's go.
28:52Let's go.
28:53Let's go.
28:54Let's go.
28:55Let's go.
28:56Let's go.
28:57Let's go.
28:58Let's go.
28:59Let's go.
29:00Let's go.
29:01Let's go.
29:02Let's go.
29:03Let's go.
29:04Let's go.
29:05Let's go.
29:06Let's go.
29:07Let's go.
29:08Let's go.
29:09Let's go.
29:10Let's go.
29:11Let's go.
29:12Let's go.
29:13Let's go.
29:14Let's go.
29:15Let's go.
29:16Let's go.
29:17Let's go.
29:18Let's go.
29:19Let's go.
29:20Let's go.
29:21Let's go.
29:22Let's go.
29:23Let's go.
29:24Let's go.
29:25Let's go.
29:26Let's go.
29:27Let's go.
29:28Let's go.
29:29Let's go.
29:30Let's go.
29:31Let's go.
29:32Let's go.
29:33Let's go.
29:34Let's go.
29:35Let's go.
29:36Let's go.
29:37Let's go.
29:38Let's go.
29:39Let's go.
29:40Let's go.
29:41Let's go.
29:42Let's go.
29:43Let's go.
29:44Let's go.
29:45Let's go.
29:46Let's go.
29:47Let's go.
29:48Let's go.
29:49Let's go.
29:50Let's go.
29:51Let's go.
29:52Come here.
29:53Come here.
29:54Let's have a look at ya.
29:55No, no, no.
29:56I'm all right, I'm all right.
29:57You might wanna turn that telly up a bit.
29:58Oh, don't worry, you're among friends here.
30:00Ma meals up with something terrible with his bowels.
30:02Some nights, it was like listening to a dog howling at the moon.
30:06Mother...
30:07Right, er, I'll be back in a couple of shakes.
30:10Oh.
30:11Stan, we've got no paper!
30:14It's all right, I used the towel.
30:17No, you bloody won't!
30:19Excuse me, come on.
30:33Cavin!
30:34Oh, Emilio!
30:35Hello.
30:36Hi.
30:37I thought maybe we could have a walk.
30:40It's very dark in there, but here it's nice.
30:43Well, that sounds lovely.
30:45Yes.
30:46This is for you.
30:48OK.
30:49It was a nice surprise to hear from you.
31:05Well, it wasn't actually...
31:07Never mind.
31:08I'm sorry Troy has done these splits on you.
31:11I think you must be sad.
31:13Yes.
31:15It seems he was a little more like his father than he ever dared to admit.
31:18He's a fool.
31:20No.
31:22I'm a fool.
31:24Listen, Emilio, it was so nice of you to meet me like this,
31:27but I'm still very raw at the moment and I don't...
31:30No.
31:31Sorry.
31:33I'm old enough to be your father.
31:35Or at the very least a rather seedy uncle.
31:36But, Cavin, you is what I like.
31:38You are what I like.
31:39There you go.
31:40It's perfect, that.
31:42I like chubby guys.
31:43How dare you?
31:44I've been dieting like a madwoman for over a year.
31:46I'm the very dictionary definition of svelte.
31:49You're funny.
31:51Oh, I haven't laughed for so long.
31:54First Troy's father died, then the responsibility of the houses and...
31:58I'm sorry, Emilio.
32:00I'm withering.
32:03There's something about the sea brings out my melancholy side.
32:06Maybe you should dip your toes in.
32:09See how it feels?
32:11Maybe.
32:12And what if I venture out too far?
32:14Bring on to a boy.
32:16That will save you.
32:18No.
32:26Oh, smile.
32:28Oh, that's a good one.
32:30I'm going to email these to Cathy in the morning.
32:32You've got Wi-Fi in the hotel, haven't you?
32:33Yes, pay whatever you want.
32:35Well, hey, it's Captain Cain, man.
32:37Nice one, Dad.
32:38Get in the boat, Michael.
32:39I'm absolutely jiggered.
32:40Get him a chaser as well, will you, Mick?
32:42He's got some catching up to do.
32:44Give over.
32:45Damn it, Brad.
32:47Do you think you'll ever want to get married?
32:49I don't know.
32:51I came close last year, but it didn't work out.
32:54Was that with Natalie?
32:56She was well fit.
32:59Anna laid a girlfriend last year.
33:01Yeah?
33:03What happened?
33:05She was only here for a night.
33:07Her name was Paige.
33:09We had a couple of dates, but then she left.
33:12Yeah.
33:14The page was turned.
33:16The chapter was closed.
33:18Yeah.
33:20I don't think I'll ever understand women.
33:22Me neither.
33:23It's like my nana.
33:25When you go to kiss her, she pushes you off and pulls her face.
33:28But all night, when she's listening to a Johnny Mappas tune,
33:31I can hear her talking to Mel and crying.
33:35She's lonely, but she doesn't like people.
33:38It's weird.
33:46So, they're getting divorced via text message.
33:51I must say, that doesn't sound like the Troy I know.
33:54Me neither.
33:56Gavin showed me himself last.
33:58I think this newfound wealth has gone straight to his head.
34:04If your bags aren't packed by the end of the month,
34:07you have no option but to take legal action.
34:10There you go.
34:12It's like he's talking to one of his tenants.
34:15There's another message straight after.
34:17Hey, darling, hope the weather's good.
34:20You're welcome.
34:22I've just forwarded the text I sent to the squatter in Woodland Terrace.
34:26Let me know if you think it's a bit too strong.
34:29Oh, God.
34:31Sorry about our little tiff earlier.
34:33I'll be joining you as soon as I can.
34:35Have you always Troy?
34:37Three kisses.
34:39Oh, shit.
35:00Well, it's buzzing in here tonight.
35:03The doctor did tell you to take it easy.
35:05How's your stomach rash?
35:07Piss off, son.
35:09Hey, but it's funny, you've got to admit.
35:11He was a proper bumfuck.
35:13A what?
35:15Body of Baywatch, face of Crimewatch.
35:17Ha, ha.
35:21If you do a bit of karaoke, you've not been up yet.
35:24Could do with a laugh.
35:28Come on, then, give us the book.
35:30Anything's got to be better than this maudlin shite.
35:38I hope our Michael's all right.
35:40They better not have taken him to see Sticky Vicky or there'll be hell to pay.
35:44I always said them Garbies were a thoroughly bad lot.
35:48Rough as guts, a lot of them.
35:50They'll be wanting to get their bony fingers onto the sunbed shops next,
35:53you mark my words.
35:55No, they won't, ma'am. Mick's taken care of all that.
35:58Good, cos that's all we've got left of Mel's legacy.
36:02And I'll go to my grave before I let anyone mess with that.
36:05Better hurry up, then, eh?
36:07Hello. Do you mind if I join you?
36:10I'm worried if she sees me sitting on my own,
36:14she'll force me to join the singles' table.
36:17And I prefer couples to singles, don't you?
36:21Er, yeah. Help yourself.
36:25I've just seen the boys on their stag do.
36:29They looked in high spirits.
36:31Oh, was Mick all right?
36:33I think so. He wouldn't look me in the eye.
36:37Donald arranged for me to perform my erotic dance at the Yawning Donkey.
36:43He thought it would be nice for the boys.
36:46You know, as a warm-up.
36:48Right.
36:50And is it suitable for a 13-year-old boy?
36:53Oh, yes. It's very tasteful.
36:56It's based on Swan Lake.
36:59But sadly, there wasn't time for them to see my box splits.
37:04One frig for that.
37:08Excuse me, love.
37:10Is Emilio working tonight?
37:12Yeah, with a man.
37:14An Englishman? Bald-spot?
37:16Faced like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle?
37:19Si, that way.
37:21Come on.
37:27Don't come away. I've been to Hayworth.
37:30Yes.
37:51Gavin!
38:07Gavin!
38:09Gavin!
38:11Gavin!
38:13Kenneth, what on earth are you doing? I hope you've not been following.
38:16Oh, never mind all that. Are you still with Emilio?
38:19Yeah, I just got caught short.
38:21Thank God for that.
38:23It's just that I had another look at that text from Troy
38:25and it's all been a big misunderstanding.
38:30We were just discussing Botticelli.
38:41Hey, I've just shown him how to do a suicide tequila.
38:43You snort the salt down the shot
38:45and then you squeeze a lemon into your eye. Do you want one?
38:47No, I'll split this bill and get back for him.
38:49Michael needs his stomach pumped.
38:51Oh, Joyce, he's going to kill me.
38:53I didn't bring any cash with me, I'm afraid.
38:57If you remember, I got the rounds when...
39:00When they came for free, yeah, you said.
39:02Did the addresser leave any money?
39:04No, he had to leave in quite a hurry.
39:06Oh, great.
39:08Here, Mick. I'll get this.
39:10He's done enough.
39:12Letting us stay and everything.
39:14I've had this saved up since last time I came on holiday.
39:21Pete, this is besetas.
39:23You can still spend it, can't you?
39:25I'll change it for your reception.
39:26Of course he won't frigging change it. It's been defunct for ten years.
39:28Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't talk to your brother like that.
39:31Well, he's useless, Dad.
39:32He literally couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.
39:35And there were you, Alan, bloody sugar.
39:37I've been running five sunbed shops for the past two years.
39:40What do you want us to do, roll over and shit mouth bars?
39:42Leave it, Dad.
39:43No, he shan't leave it.
39:45You've become a snob, Michael Garvey.
39:47Ashamed of your own flesh and blood.
39:49He's a piss-taker, Dad.
39:50He's using my money to come on holiday and pay for his stupid wedding.
39:53Every time I get something... There is no wedding.
39:58There is no wedding.
40:00He made it all up.
40:04He just wanted to come out and see you, that's all.
40:13HE SIGHS
40:18I don't have any time. Can we all go home now, please?
40:21Just, I think I might actually be blind.
40:24MUSIC PLAYS
40:48Kathy's his dog.
40:50Greyhound.
40:51Which you would have known if you'd come anywhere near him this past five years.
40:55Your brother spends all his time looking after me.
40:59He hasn't got time for a girlfriend.
41:03Oh.
41:05Look, every penny he borrows off you goes to my rent, food,
41:09ferrying me back and forth to the hospital.
41:12You didn't know that, did you?
41:15Coming here was an excuse for him to have a break.
41:18A couple of beers in the sun.
41:21Had I come out with you, you didn't have to make up a stag night.
41:26Did me?
41:27When was the last time you returned one of his calls?
41:32I mean, you've got Janice, Michael, Chantel.
41:36Even Natch, for God's sake.
41:38Who's he got? Me and you.
41:41And I'm fit for nothing.
41:45You know this will be my last holiday, don't you?
41:49What do you mean, Dad?
41:53He's your brother, Michael.
41:56Never forget that.
42:01You're going to have to order a taxi.
42:03I can't walk much further.
42:05What have you been doing that's made you so knackered?
42:08Believe me, son, you don't want to know.
42:19MUSIC CONTINUES
42:33Is your friend an agent? No.
42:35Why do you think she needs one?
42:37Yeah, travel agent. Book on the next flight home.
42:43APPLAUSE
42:45Good night, Benidorm!
42:47Yes, thank you, Trudy.
42:49So glad you've got so much energy after this morning's excitement.
42:53Anyway, next, a classic Ralph Harris number from our very own Les.
42:58Thank you, Les!
43:02Here you are.
43:07Two little boys had two little toys.
43:11Each had a horse.
43:14Oh, good. Put one behind the bar, Matteo.
43:17I want everyone to know we mean voices.
43:23One little chap, then help and mishap.
43:27Yeah, come and sing yourself down here.
43:29I'll get you a brandy at lunch to take the edge off.
43:34Oh, look, what happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm.
43:38Troy and you'd never know.
43:40And besides, it was only a kiss and a cuddle, wasn't it?
43:43There's no law against it.
43:49Better make that a double.
44:00Here we go!
44:01One slightly seasick pirate delivered safe and sound to the captain's table.
44:06Thank God, Michael, you're back. Have you had a good time?
44:11Oh!
44:13Oh!
44:22Dad? Dad?
44:25I'm serious. I think you might need to take me to hospital.
44:28All I can see is lemon.
44:30Dad?
44:32Dad?
44:35Dad?
44:40Dad?
44:56Pete?
45:02Can I buy you a pint?
45:04Only if they take Poseidon's.
45:34Whee!
46:04You