According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00[♪ Music begins ♪ and continues throughout video ♪
00:24AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
00:54Tiger, it's your dad. I slept in. I'll see you downstairs. Don't come to the room. There's been an accident. I mean, just a spillage. I'll see you down by the pool.
01:20Hello darling, I think you'd better wake up. They want to clean the room and I'm leaving today, so...
01:27What's wrong with you?
01:28I thought you were...
01:29You thought I was what?
01:30Why are you dressed like that? Have you lost your mind?
01:33Why are you dressed like that? Oh my God. You forgot about everything and you thought you scored.
01:41Shut up. Look at the state of you.
01:43Don't you remember the fancy dress party we crashed?
01:46No, I don't. Why didn't you sleep in your own room?
01:50Couldn't find my key. I must have left it in my handbag. Come here. Give me a kiss.
01:56Get out of it. Go down and get another key.
01:59Alright. I'll see you downstairs.
02:03Yeah, alright.
02:09Oh. Get out of it.
02:21What are you both doing in here?
02:24Well, I'm riding a bike and she's baking a cake.
02:27Janice, he knows what I mean. Tell him.
02:30Tell him what? I don't know what you're on about. Bookie Roo.
02:33No thanks, but I'll have a game of underwater twister if you go first.
02:36Mr. Roo said to meet him in reception at 11 o'clock.
02:40It's only half ten.
02:41Oh, come on. Put on a pair of long trousers and get a shave.
02:44Do you mind? That's my wife you're talking to.
02:46Just calm down, mother. He can come up here and talk to us.
02:49You're going to show me up? I knew you would. This man's come all the way from America.
02:54So walking here from reception won't seem that long a journey.
02:57Leave him a message to meet us here.
02:59I will. And when he tells us all about this inheritance, you lot can go whistle for him.
03:04There is no inheritance. When will you listen? It's all a scam.
03:07How can it be a scam? You met him for yourself last night. He's a top American lawyer.
03:13I met him for 30 seconds. He could be a dutchman from Wigan.
03:16He's got an American accent.
03:18Yeah, so did my Uncle Wally. He also kept ferrets down his trousers and used to bark at traffic.
03:24I get it. I get it.
03:26That sort of pairing.
03:29Hey! Hang on! I've said nothing. Mother!
03:33Oh, why'd you have to wind her up?
03:37What else is there to do?
03:40It's not actually a smoking room and there's no balcony.
03:43But if you just hang your head out the window and make sure that your tarp ends don't fall in the pool,
03:48everything'll be hunky-dory.
03:51Er, Leslie.
03:54This booking for two nights, Mr Buck A Roo, he arrived late last night.
03:58You didn't check him in, did you?
04:00No. Why?
04:02You don't think there's something slightly odd?
04:05How do you mean?
04:06Well, the name! Mr Buck A Roo. Buckaroo.
04:10What sort of name's that?
04:12Well, it is unusual, but I've got an Irish auntie and she's called Patty O'Doors.
04:17HE CHUCKLES
04:19I mean, it's just a look with a draw, isn't it?
04:22And look on the notes.
04:24Will not be staying second night. Room is to freshen up only.
04:28No, that is strange. Why pay for an extra night when you can just have a lick and a promise in the box?
04:33Well, I wasn't going to put it quite like that, but yes, exactly.
04:37Er, excuse me, can I get a replacement key for room 601, please?
04:41No problem.
04:53And do something about your hair!
04:55Oh!
04:57Cheeky cow!
04:59There's nothing wrong with my hair, young'un, is there?
05:02Yeah, it's better than mine, mate.
05:11Who said the woman who can look inside herself has true beauty?
05:16Sticky Vicky!
05:18Jacqueline, I feel I owe you an apology.
05:22Apology?
05:23Yes, my conduct last night. I feel the need to clear the air.
05:28Do you want a drink?
05:30I'm just on the day wine, cos it's only early.
05:33No, no, I need a clear head.
05:35Plus, it's only ten to eleven.
05:39Do you mind if we go inside? I find the sun quite bothersome.
05:43Oh, it's just starting to get a tan.
05:46If you don't mind.
05:48I'll get my things together.
05:50I'll see you in reception.
05:58Oh, just five more minutes.
06:16I'm getting a very strong sense
06:20of a woman in a past life...
06:23with the letter B.
06:25Sue, how many times have I told you I'm not into all that stuff?
06:29A very tall, overpowering woman with big hair
06:34and a cleavage that could stop traffic.
06:37No.
06:39Oh, she's trying so hard to come through.
06:43She's saying,
06:45it's time for you to sort out
06:49those photos in that shoebox covered in wallpaper.
06:54I don't know any tall, dead women with big hair and even bigger cleavage.
06:58And I don't have any photos in a shoebox.
07:01Now, what do you think of them nails?
07:03Oh, they're lovely.
07:05Can I pay at the end of the week?
07:07As usual.
07:09Now, think about what I said.
07:12It might come to you.
07:14The great psychic Sue is never wrong.
07:18Thanks, Sue.
07:20See you at the end of the week.
07:23See you again.
07:25See you, love.
07:27Honestly, can you believe some people are actually taken in by that rubbish?
07:31That woman she was describing, it's me mother, Brenda.
07:34The letter B.
07:36It's probably just a lucky guess.
07:38And what about the photos?
07:39Well, that's even easier.
07:40She was sitting there, watching you, looking at your photos.
07:43Oh, yeah?
07:45How do you explain this, then?
07:54So what we really need, you know, is somewhere private
07:58where we can talk to this fella.
08:00Maybe you're going to rack times. It is quiet in the morning.
08:03I said somewhere private.
08:05Don't you have, you know, like conference rooms and that?
08:08People do not come here to make business.
08:10They come to get drunk, eat too much
08:12and burn their piggy skin in the Spanish sun.
08:14He's come all the way from America.
08:16We can't sit him in some grotty bar
08:18with that twat on the piano playing the birdie dance.
08:21Right! Come on, it's nearly 11 o'clock.
08:23We'd best not keep him waiting. Yeah.
08:25And when we've realised all this is just a con,
08:27I can get back on my sunbed
08:28and that dwarf and his ten-gallon hat
08:30can piss off back to where he came from.
08:32Good morning, y'all.
08:33I hope you slept well. I had no idea.
08:35Morning? I wasn't talking about you.
08:38Oh, that's quite all right, sir. I understand.
08:41You were merely concerned for Mrs Harvey's welfare.
08:44Well, not really.
08:45Oh, please, do call me Madge.
08:48It's just quite an unusual situation.
08:50Well, indeed it is, and I have quite a story to tell you.
08:53Yeah, I bet you do.
08:54Young man!
08:56We would like a pitcher of lemonade
08:59and some olives on that table over there.
09:04Madge, or should I say Mrs Male Harvey,
09:08if you would like to lead the way.
09:10Yes.
09:20Let's start at the very beginning.
09:22A very good place to start.
09:24Shut up.
09:25I am, as you already know, Mr Buck A Roo,
09:28one of the leading probate attorneys
09:30in the entire state of California,
09:33even if I say so myself.
09:35What's a prostate attorney?
09:37Probate.
09:38My business is concerned with administering
09:40the estates of the deceased.
09:42I don't know what that means.
09:44He works for dead people.
09:45A bit like Mr Meeker off Rent-A-Ghost,
09:47but with a bigger hat.
09:50This is for you.
09:51If any of you want a drink, let me know.
09:53What is this?
09:56It is what you asked for.
09:58A pitcher of lemonade.
09:59No, a pitcher.
10:00A pitcher of lemonade.
10:02This is a pitcher of lemonade.
10:04No, a pitcher, a decanter, a carafe, a jug.
10:08Young man, if this is your idea of a joke,
10:11I'm afraid that sun is way too high in the sky
10:15for messing with your betters.
10:17What is he talking about?
10:18We'll have the same again,
10:19and he'll have a glass of lemonade.
10:21He asked if I make a joke,
10:23and he's the one in fancy dress.
10:25Increible.
10:27As I was saying,
10:29one of my specialized lines of work
10:31is finding those entitled to the estates
10:34of their distant relatives.
10:36It has taken me a long time to find you, Mrs Harvey,
10:39but as I said in my letter to you,
10:41I have some very good news.
10:44So you don't want this?
10:45Will you just go away?
10:47Okay, okay.
10:49Oh, I do apologize.
10:52I've traveled over 6,000 miles in the last 24 hours.
10:57I have taken so many uppers to stay awake,
11:00I was practically high-kicking my way
11:03through passport control.
11:06I'll get them drinks.
11:11Yeah, I'll take them. Thanks, Paul.
11:13What is wrong with this crazy man?
11:15I don't know.
11:16That's what we're trying to find out.
11:18Why does he wear this hat?
11:20He's a VPL.
11:21He says he's flown halfway around the world
11:23to tell my mother-in-law
11:24she's about to inherit a fortune.
11:26And this is true?
11:27Yeah, and I'm loyal to her.
11:29And I'm loyal to you.
11:31There he is, that's him.
11:32The one that looks like Horse Fogg
11:34from the Dukes of Hazzard.
11:36I wonder what he's doing here.
11:39Mateo, what's going on over there?
11:42The VPL has come to give the family lots of money.
11:45Oh, and he's made one of them a lord.
11:51What can I tell you?
11:53These are crazy times.
11:55I'm not going to lie to you.
11:58What can I tell you?
12:00These are crazy times.
12:12Oh, that's woken me up.
12:14A bit fresh, is it?
12:15It's lovely once you're in.
12:17I wish I had a euro for every time I'd said that.
12:19Eh?
12:20Nothing.
12:22Why don't you give Mum a ring?
12:26Dad?
12:27You just don't get it, do you, son?
12:29What?
12:30Look, Tiger, I know it's not a nice thing to hear,
12:33but your mum and I, it's more than just a rout.
12:37I think this might be the end of the road for us.
12:40Don't be ridiculous.
12:42You're just as stubborn as each other.
12:44This break will do you both good.
12:46So you accept that we're not together, then?
12:49We're on a bit of a break.
12:51Yeah, I just said that. I think it's a good thing.
12:53Well, what if, whilst your mum and I was on this break,
12:57some dolly bird came along and tried to chat me up?
13:00What do I do, then?
13:01Yeah, right.
13:03Well, thanks, son.
13:04That's done my confidence no end of good.
13:20MUSIC CONTINUES
13:26It was Mel's great-great-grandfather, Ebenezer Harvey,
13:31who made his fortune in the California gold rush of 1848.
13:36He kept most of his money in his wife's name, Elvira.
13:41He was obviously a brave man.
13:43I take it you're not married?
13:45Oh, my dear, I've been married six times.
13:47I'm beginning to think I'm addicted to wedding cake.
13:50Hang on. Mel's name's not on this family tree.
13:53Precisely.
13:54Miss Garvey, I've been like a catfish in a cul-de-sac,
13:58if you'll pardon me mixing my metaphors.
14:01It has taken me a long time, a very long time indeed,
14:05to realise that Mel is the missing link.
14:09Now, hang on a minute.
14:10He might not have won any beauty prizes, but that's a bit strong.
14:14Well, the bloodline ends with Calvin Lucky Harvey,
14:19who died in 1947.
14:21What isn't recorded is Melvin,
14:23his son, who he fathered out of wedlock
14:27when he was an American soldier in England during World War II.
14:30So Mel was a bastard?
14:32I said that for years.
14:33Shut up. This is interesting, unlike you.
14:37Now, Calvin made some very bad investments in his time,
14:41culminating in spending the last of his inheritance
14:45on five acres of worthless desert land.
14:49He then died in 1947 at the tender age of 29
14:53from a single bite from a Mexican sidewinder.
14:5729? That's no age at all.
15:00Now, I know what you all are wondering.
15:02What's a Mexican sidewinder?
15:04I take that back.
15:06I did not know what you were wondering.
15:09It's a type of rattlesnake.
15:11If this desert land was worthless,
15:13then why have you flown from America to England
15:15and then England to Spain in the last 24 hours
15:17trying to find much?
15:18On the button.
15:19But the key word, Mr Garvey, is was.
15:22The desert land Calvin bought was worthless when he bought it,
15:26but the name of that desert means a lot more now than it did then.
15:31Las Vegas.
15:33Oh, did you hear that, Mother?
15:35You own five acres of land in Las Vegas.
15:38Five acres upon which a luxury hotel has been built.
15:42Bloody hell, what are we doing sitting here?
15:44Well, now, hold your horses, Mr Garvey.
15:47Let's not let the wind blow too much up our petticoats.
15:50We're not talking the Bellagio or Caesar's Palace,
15:53plus Madge does not own the hotel,
15:56only the land that it's built upon.
15:58But that's still good, isn't it?
16:00Very good.
16:01It's a small hotel by Vegas standards,
16:04but I would estimate, conservative ballpark figure...
16:10..$30 million.
16:19No. None of this is right.
16:22What do you mean it's not right? Of course it's right.
16:25Janice, tell her it's right.
16:27Mel's father was called Clarence.
16:30He died in 1944 during the Normandy landings.
16:35Clarence was not Melvin's biological father.
16:39Yeah?
16:40Mel changed his name by deed poll in the 60s to Harvey.
16:44Oh!
16:45Makes me think that he knew more about this story
16:48than he was letting on, even though he never spoke about it.
16:51If it was a Mexican rattlesnake, what was it doing in America?
16:57I am going to leave y'all with some papers to read.
17:02I have to make a few phone calls.
17:04I realise this is an awful lot of information for y'all to take in,
17:08but there is no time like the present.
17:12I shall return a little later with a proposed plan of action.
17:18Ladies, sir, I'll see y'all presently.
17:27So, do you still think it's all a big con?
17:30$30 million?
17:32Can't be right.
17:34Actually, Mexico was quite near to America, so maybe it was just lost.
17:39Are you still banging on about that bloody snake?
17:41What do you think, ma'am?
17:42What about the snake?
17:43No, what about all this?
17:45I don't know what to make of it.
17:47I don't know what to make of any of it.
17:49Well, er...
17:51Is there anything I can get for you?
17:54Is there anything I can get for you?
17:56Drinks?
17:57High-quality meebles?
17:59Maybe a British newspaper?
18:25Sorry about that. I must have nodded off.
18:30Glyn?
18:32Glyn, are you all right?
18:37How long have I been here?
18:39About...
18:40Oh! Three hours!
18:42Sorry.
18:43Them three glasses of wine knocked me flat out.
18:47Did you fall asleep as well?
18:49No, I've been chanting.
18:51Oh?
18:52I'm a semi-practising Buddhist.
18:53Semi?
18:54Yes. I don't know that much about the religion,
18:56but I do enjoy the chanting.
18:58Shall I get us a drink?
19:00No, please, Jacqueline. Sit down, would you?
19:06I want to lay my cards directly on the table.
19:09My wife, Rhiannon, has always been very...
19:12popular.
19:13Oh, that's good.
19:15No, it isn't good.
19:16I don't mean in a social sense.
19:18I mean, well...
19:20she's a loose woman.
19:22I think Donald mentioned something
19:24about her being able to do the splits.
19:26No, I don't mean...
19:28Did he?
19:31What I mean to say is,
19:32we've had our problems in the past with her...
19:35wandering eye.
19:37You mean like a lazy eye?
19:39No.
19:40I mean, she puts it about.
19:42Oh, I see.
19:43And, well, I've always turned a blind eye.
19:46To a wandering eye?
19:48Yes.
19:49But it started to get out of control,
19:51so I thought, why not put it out there, in the open?
19:54For everyone to have a go on it?
19:56Yes.
19:57No, I mean the subject.
19:59So I suggested the swinging thing,
20:02and she almost bit my hand off.
20:04Then we answered your advert for the wife swap,
20:08and here we are.
20:09Look, if you weren't sure about the wife swap,
20:12why did you suggest doing it on holiday?
20:15Rhiannon and I live in a very small town in South Wales.
20:18Well, you can't fart without it getting into the local press,
20:21if you pardon my French.
20:23Glyn, I just need to know what you want to do.
20:26I think my point is,
20:28I've made my bed, now I must lie in it.
20:31I'm here for a week,
20:33I'm just going to grit my teeth and ride it out.
20:36Donald once said something similar.
20:41I'm pretty sure once Rhiannon has got this out of her system,
20:44we can go back to being a normal, happily married couple.
20:50But for me, I prefer our relationship to be purely platonic.
20:56Well, I knew that.
20:58Did you?
20:59Of course.
21:00And you don't mind?
21:01Why should I?
21:03To be honest, I'm not that fussy when it comes to men or women,
21:08but I must admit, I do like a bit more meat on the bone.
21:14No offence.
21:16Now, talking of meat, I think it's time for a burger.
21:21I'm vegetarian.
21:22Oh, you'll be all right. I think they do them with cheese as well.
21:26See you out there.
21:30Then the little guy in the hat tell them they are worth $3 million.
21:35That can't be right.
21:36I thought you said 30 million.
21:38That's ridiculous.
21:39There you are. Come on, you. That's your lunch hour finished.
21:41I've got another ten minutes.
21:42Anyway, since when were you in a rush to get to work?
21:44Since I rang psychic Sue and organised a seance of blow and go tonight.
21:47You're joking.
21:48What is seance?
21:49It's where you all sit in a darkened room and join hands,
21:52try and contact the dead.
21:54Why do you do this?
21:56There are enough people here who are nearly dead.
21:58HE CHUCKLES
21:59You can talk to them any time.
22:01Come on!
22:02All right, I'm coming.
22:03Eight o'clock, blow and go.
22:06CHILDREN PLAY
22:09What about this, then?
22:11Half-price tickets to paralysis.
22:14What the hell is paralysis?
22:16It's one of them big clubs up on the motorway.
22:19Dad, you're in your 50s.
22:21All right, keep it down.
22:23I thought you might enjoy it.
22:25They don't open till three in the morning.
22:27No, that must be a printing mistake.
22:29Dad, clubs like this open at 3am and close at midday.
22:32Really?
22:35What's all that about, then?
22:36And the only tunes they play is what you always call drug music.
22:40Well, I thought it might make a change
22:42from what you get in the club here.
22:44Englebert Humperdinck and that lot.
22:46True.
22:48So, you want to go to paralysis, then?
22:50I'll give Mikey a shout.
22:52We could both meet your reception at, say, what, 5am?
22:55We don't want to be the first there, do we?
22:59No, I think I'll give paralysis a miss tonight.
23:01We'll do the Benidorm usual. Paralytic.
23:04Nice one.
23:06Nice one.
23:37Is there anybody there?
23:41Knock once for yes or twice for no.
23:45Jesus Christ!
23:51What the hell are you playing at? I nearly shat myself, then.
23:54Have you had a power cut? Cos we're OK out here.
23:56No. What do you want?
23:58What's going on? Nothing.
24:00Then why are your lights off?
24:02Come in, then.
24:07I am having a séance.
24:09A séance? Yeah.
24:11What, here? Yeah.
24:12When? Tonight.
24:14Who are you trying to contact?
24:15Never you mind, you nosy git.
24:17Now, look, I could give you permission
24:19for this foray into the occult on one condition.
24:22I don't need your permission. Go on, piss off.
24:24No, but... I think you might need me.
24:27What? I've been used as a tool before.
24:30Oh? Why does that surprise me? Out!
24:33Listen, my father was a psychic medium,
24:36but he could only contact the spirit world if I was in the room.
24:39You're not making any sense.
24:41Let's just say the afterlife is Channel 5,
24:46the psychic is the television,
24:49but I'm the antenna.
24:55How much have you had to drink today?
24:57Nothing! Well, apart from a couple with lunch.
25:01Just go, will you?
25:05If you want to come to the séance, be here tonight at 8 o'clock.
25:08Yes, no problem, I'll be here.
25:13Frick's Channel 5 got to do with anything.
25:15Pardon me. Oh, I beg your pardon.
25:18It's, um, Mr La Rue, isn't it?
25:21My name is Rue, no La.
25:23Rune La.
25:25No, my surname is Rue.
25:27Oh, but you can call me Buck.
25:29Oh, how kind. I'm Joyce.
25:31Well, good day to you, Joyce.
25:33Do let me know if I can be of any assistance
25:35in whatever it is you're doing here.
25:37I mean, I don't mean that in a prying way, I just...
25:39No, no, thank you, thank you. You've been a most gracious host.
25:42I mean, it's really none of our business what you're doing here.
25:45Well, in that we are agreed.
25:47Suffice it to say, if you do feel the need to include someone as,
25:50oh, I don't know, an independent witness to legal matters,
25:54please feel free to call upon my services.
25:57My dear Joyce, I have an old Tennessee saying
26:00that I would like to share with you.
26:02How wonderful.
26:04The mountain air smells much sweeter
26:07when you keep your nose out of other people's poop.
26:15Right, shall I tell him?
26:16No, I'll do it.
26:17I do apologise for needing that untimely repose,
26:20but I've been flying all over Europe
26:22like a fish crow with four sets of wings.
26:25I'm not signing anything.
26:27Mrs Harvey, I understand your apprehension,
26:32but do you really think I would have travelled
26:34halfway across the world to find you
26:37if it was all humbug and I was some kind of flim-flammer?
26:40I'm sorry, love, just my mother's been through all this before,
26:43and in Benidorm as well.
26:45She nearly married this fella who said he had money belonging to Mel,
26:48so, well, she doesn't want to go through it all again, do you, ma'am?
26:52No, I bloody well don't.
26:54Well, as handsome a woman as you are, Mrs Harvey,
26:57and although I have indeed been won over
26:59by your not inconsiderable charms,
27:02I wasn't thinking of asking you to jump the broomstick just yet.
27:09My dear friends, I can understand your misgivings.
27:13This is for sure one crazy old tale.
27:17But I do have a solution.
27:19But I do have a solution.
27:21How many days of your vacation do you have remaining?
27:24I've just got here.
27:26Why?
27:27Let's all go to Vegas.
27:29Oh, my God, yeah.
27:31You what?
27:32Let's all go to Vegas and see what's due to y'all.
27:35Go to Las Vegas? When?
27:37Well, I took the liberty of checking flights.
27:39We could leave for London tonight, fly to Vegas in the morning.
27:42First class. All at my expense, naturally.
27:45Oh, Nana, please, I've always wanted to go to Vegas.
27:48All right, that's enough.
27:50Now, look, I don't know who you are or what you want,
27:52but this woman's been through enough.
27:54And she doesn't need you messing her around
27:56with stories of million-pound fortunes,
27:58trips to Las Vegas and all that bollocks.
28:00Just...just leave us alone.
28:03Mr Garvey, I can assure you...
28:05Just leave us to get on with our holiday.
28:09OK, I understand.
28:12This is an awfully big adventure and a lot to take in.
28:18If you change your minds, we've got my number.
28:21Yeah, we've got your number, all right.
28:23Hasta luego, as they say around these parts.
28:27Excuse me, ma'am, can you order me a cab?
28:31No problem.
28:34Brilliant. The one chance we get to do something interesting,
28:37you say no.
28:39Right. I think we could all do with a drink.
28:42Ma'am?
28:45Ma'am?
28:47Yeah. Let's go.
29:01Now, you know not to give her any information, don't you?
29:05She already knows our address. She's a regular.
29:07I don't mean that. I mean any information that she could use
29:10to pretend that she's in touch with the spirit world.
29:13There's a lot of charlatans out there.
29:15It's all rubbish, I've told him.
29:17Not entirely.
29:18I once helped my father get in touch with an Egyptian queen.
29:21Well, times have moved on. We have Grindr for things like that now.
29:26Wait. I can sense a knocking sound.
29:29I think somebody's trying to get in touch.
29:31We all sensed it, you daft cow. It's Sue.
29:33Let her in, Liam.
29:46DOOR CREAKS
29:55There's a very heavy presence...
29:59..hanging in the air.
30:01Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Liam had a kebab for his dinner.
30:04I told you to eat outside.
30:06Oh, the vibrations are strong.
30:09They're very strong already.
30:11I've never sensed such an atmosphere.
30:14It's so heavy with the afterlife.
30:17I told you, that'll be me.
30:19Shut up, you. Come and sit down, Sue.
30:32You all right, love?
30:36Did you jog here?
30:38Ooh!
30:40Can it be someone trying to come through already?
30:43I have to mention, I do make a small charge for my services.
30:47Oh, here we go. Zip it, you!
30:49Of course, Sue. I entirely understand.
30:5250 euros. 50 euros? You're taking the piss?
30:54Who you got coming through? Ronnie Biggs?
30:56True psychic ability does require some form of recompense.
31:00My father's chakra was once penetrated by Genghis Khan.
31:04He was laid up for days.
31:06We'll sort the money out at the end. Can we just get on with it, please?
31:09I wish you don't forget.
31:11HE MOANS
31:24I don't suppose I could have a large brandy, could I?
31:27That's all she's come for, to scam you for money in a free bar.
31:30Liam, where's your manners?
31:32Joyce, do you think we could have a...
31:34Joyce?
31:36Joyce!
31:38Joyce, did somebody come through?
31:40She wants a brandy. Oh, yes, of course. I'll have one, too.
31:43Four brandies. Don't like brandy.
31:45I never asked you what you want. Two are for me.
31:47HE MOANS
31:59Do excuse me for just a moment, Sue.
32:03What do you want?
32:05I'm telling you, she's only here for what she can get out of you.
32:08She's about as psychic as I am.
32:10This is a gifted woman whose only interest
32:12is to reunite people with their dear departed relatives.
32:15Now do as you're told.
32:17HE MOANS
32:22I am sorry about that, Sue. He won't be a minute.
32:25HE MOANS
32:27HE MOANS
32:33I'm quite peckish.
32:35I don't suppose you've got anything to eat, have you?
32:38MUSIC PLAYS
32:41MUSIC CONTINUES
32:54I've not seen sightly sound of his wife, have you?
32:57What do you think's gone on?
33:00Nick? I don't know, do I?
33:02Ask our Michael.
33:04What do you reckon, ma'am? Think they've split up?
33:08Ma'am?
33:10I don't know.
33:12Hey, Michael, what's going on with him? Why ain't his wife here?
33:16Have you not spoken to your mate? Yeah.
33:18Well? Well, that's their business.
33:21You wouldn't like it if everyone was gossiping about you behind your back.
33:24Fat chance of that. I've got nothing to gossip about.
33:27MUSIC CONTINUES
33:29MUSIC CONTINUES
33:38The same one again? Yes, thanks, love.
33:41The big man with the red face, he's not with you tonight?
33:44My husband? No.
33:46He's gone off with a woman from Merthyr Tydfil.
33:49OK. I am sorry to hear this.
33:52Would you want to sit at this singles table?
33:55No. The woman who my husband is staying with,
33:59well, her husband is staying with me.
34:02I'm sorry, I guess. Yeah.
34:05I'm starting to feel the same way.
34:10Did you fancy giving us a song match? Yeah.
34:13Put me down for what kind of fool am I, Sammy Davis Jr.
34:17Well, you've got the look, but have you got the voice?
34:19Mick. I'm only trying to lighten the mood.
34:22What was that one Mel used to like?
34:25Boulevard of Broken Dreams?
34:27Mother, why are you being like this? You've done a good thing.
34:32You're about to be ripped off, but you saw it coming and put a stop to it.
34:35And I'll tell you why.
34:37Because all the time I felt Mel's presence.
34:40I actually felt him guiding me, telling me what to do.
34:44Well, I bet I know what he was saying. Go on.
34:47Don't let the short-arse bastard pull the wool over your eyes, princess.
34:50We've been done like this before.
34:53Is that supposed to be an impression of Mel? Yeah.
34:55It just sounded like you were constipated.
34:57Yes, that's exactly what he's been saying.
35:00Thanks, son. I'll drink to that.
35:03Here's to Mel.
35:05To Mel.
35:23I think I will do a song, Janice.
35:25Yeah, right away.
35:28I lost my heart in San Francisco.
35:31No.
35:33To a starship trooper.
35:35That's one of Mel's favourites.
35:37I shouldn't have thought of that one.
35:39Shall we go for a song?
35:48Mother?
35:50Is that you, Mother?
35:52You're not making any sense.
35:54No.
35:57You need to stop.
36:00Need to stop him.
36:03Need to stop who?
36:05I was wrong, princess.
36:08You need to go with him.
36:10You need to get the money.
36:13Las Vegas, princess!
36:15You must go to Las Vegas!
36:19What? What name?
36:21Who are you?
36:24Oh, just piss off! I want to speak to me mother!
36:30Oh, my God, she's dead.
36:32She isn't dead. She's just exhausted.
36:35I remember my father was occupied by Liberace
36:38for three hours in the late 80s.
36:40He was like a wet rag by the end of it.
36:42Well, he would be.
36:44Oh!
36:46Oh, that's it.
36:48Oh, I can't do any more.
36:50What do you mean, that's it?
36:52Did you speak to your mother?
36:54No, I bloody well didn't.
36:56Who came through then, whoever it was?
36:58They were very persistent.
37:00We've no idea. We just sat there banging on about Las Vegas.
37:02Las Vegas?
37:04Well, was your mother born in Las Vegas?
37:06Yeah, of course.
37:08Oh, she was probably trying to get in touch
37:10with me brothers Siegfried and Roy.
37:12Really?
37:14No, not really, you daft cow.
37:16Oh, what a waste of time.
37:18Well, I'm going to have to go home now
37:20for a few euros for a session,
37:22but as you've only really had half a session,
37:24I'm willing to come down to 25.
37:2625 euros? You're having a laugh, aren't you?
37:28You drank that much in brandy.
37:30And high-quality nibbles.
37:32Do you mean you are not going to pay me?
37:34For what?
37:36A few gurgles and the worst Elvis impression
37:38this side of Benidorm.
37:40There's a few contenders for that.
37:42Oh, well, you can kiss goodbye to my custom here then.
37:44Oh, God, what are we going to do
37:46without your six euros for a shampoo and set once a month?
37:48I don't have any receivers.
37:50Well, I'll just see myself out then.
37:52Do, and don't bother coming back cos you're barred.
37:54But being a brilliant psychic, you probably already knew that.
37:56Go on, get out.
37:58What a washout that was.
38:00I'm sorry, Kenneth, I told you it was all rubbish.
38:02Oh, no, love.
38:04If only my father was alive.
38:06He could have introduced you to as many dead people as you want.
38:08I'm sorry, Mrs Temple Savage, but I don't agree.
38:10There's no such thing as ghosts,
38:12poltergeists, things that go bump in the night.
38:14It's just our desperate need to keep loving
38:16those that are no longer with us.
38:18The dead are just that, dead,
38:20gone, but hopefully not forgotten.
38:22Yeah, you're right.
38:24I mean, if the dead could speak,
38:26I'd hope they do a lot more than just make a middle-aged woman
38:28slump in her chair and speak in a funny voice.
38:30SCREAMING
38:32SCREAMING
38:34SCREAMING
38:36SCREAMING
38:38SCREAMING
38:40SCREAMING
38:42SCREAMING
38:44SCREAMING
38:46Tell me, Captain Strange, won't you be my lover?
38:48You're the best thing
38:50that I've ever discovered.
38:52Flash Gordon's left me,
38:54he's gone to the stars.
38:56An evil Darth Vader
38:58helped me vanish to Mars.
39:00Oi, my dear,
39:02have you seen Temple Savage?
39:04No, she has not been here tonight.
39:06What is her problem?
39:08Oh, it's no problem. She just asked me to do an int in that church
39:10on that fella that was here. Book a room.
39:12Oh, yeah? Yeah, turns out it was his real name.
39:14Hey!
39:16How did you lot get on with your mate?
39:18What man? Book.
39:20Did he find your money?
39:26Oh, my God. What's the matter?
39:28My dad's just told him to piss off.
39:30What's your type of man?
39:32Requesting your position, it's a final demand.
39:38You're turning up.
39:40Look, if you're going to take me...
39:42Get off! Get off the stage!
39:44Oh, piss off, it's not your turn.
39:46What's going on? Leave her alone.
39:48I told you I'd put you down for sex on fire.
39:50That's real. What?
39:52The little Oompa Loompa fella.
39:54What are you going on about? The money, Vegas, it's all real.
39:56Oh, my God. Mother, where's your phone?
39:58He deleted his number.
40:00You've got his card.
40:02Drop it away!
40:04Oh, my God! Come on.
40:06Here, Janice, help me. Help me.
40:08Come on.
40:10There you go.
40:16Anyway,
40:18as I was saying,
40:20I was thinking of going to paraplegic tonight,
40:22if you fancy.
40:24Excuse me. It's a club.
40:26It starts late, but all the banging places do.
40:28Oh, you're here.
40:30Hiding behind the pillar. I've been sitting here all night.
40:32I wasn't hiding.
40:34This is my mate, Tiger.
40:36Hello, Tiger.
40:38Is this the one you wanted to have a threesome with?
40:40No, no. What? That's my dad.
40:42Your dad? You said you were 38.
40:44He's 52.
40:46Listen, son, go and sit over there. I'll be with you in a minute.
40:48And leave him this old slap.
40:50Oh, you've got to be joking. I beg your pardon?
40:52He's a married man.
40:54You said you were divorced. Shut up.
40:56How are you going to let him speak to me like that?
40:58You said you were divorced.
41:00Janice, what are you saying?
41:02Oh, my God.
41:04Oh, my God.
41:08You know,
41:10you're a very accommodating woman, Jacqueline.
41:12You are?
41:14You're very understanding to your husband's needs.
41:16Well, we're just very secure
41:18in our relationship.
41:20Yes, yes. I realise that now.
41:22I've never
41:24been unfaithful
41:26to my wife.
41:28I've always been totally
41:30monogamous through choice.
41:32Just not my choice.
41:34When Rhiannon
41:36went on her first one-off holiday,
41:38I must admit I had my
41:40suspicions about her intentions
41:42and an effective jealous rage.
41:44I tried it on
41:46with our neighbour,
41:48Beth. And you know what she did?
41:50She laughed.
41:52She took one look at me
41:54and laughed.
41:56Am I that much of a joke?
41:58Maybe she thought your wife said yes.
42:00Well, I'm serious now.
42:04I'm going to stay.
42:06And all I'm saying is
42:08I won't be pulling the wool over your head
42:10in front of you again.
42:12Not this time.
42:16That's all I'm saying.
42:18Friend, he doesn't have one
42:20parotty pony.
42:22He does, but he won't be
42:24getting it from me.
42:32I think I should have
42:34changed my shoes.
42:36You can't change your shoes.
42:38I don't know why.
42:40I don't know why.
42:42I don't know why.
42:44I don't know why.
42:46I don't know why.
42:50Excuse me, mate. I just need to get through there.
42:52May I see your boarding passes?
42:54No, we don't have boarding passes.
42:56Can I just go through for five minutes?
42:58I'm sorry, but you have to collect your boarding passes first.
43:00We can't. We haven't got any tickets.
43:02Then why are you here?
43:04Just get out of our way.
43:06It's jobless like you brought the Spanish economy to its knees.
43:08Nice one, Madge Paxman.
43:10He's there.
43:12Can I just go through?
43:14Excuse me.
43:16I just need to speak to her now.
43:18Excuse me.
43:20You came.
43:22I'm so sorry we said what we said.
43:24It's just that you told us...
43:26Are they coming in or are you going out?
43:28I do do apologise.
43:32We really didn't mean to send you packing like that.
43:34It's just that everything you said
43:36sounded so unbelievable.
43:38There's no call for an apology.
43:40I've been through this many times.
43:42Someone showed me your bits on the internet.
43:44It sounded wrong.
43:46My dear friends, I cannot tell you
43:48how gratifying it is to see you again.
43:50I'm in a strange business.
43:52It's wonderful,
43:54but a very strange business.
43:56Lots of travel,
43:58an awful lot of hard work,
44:00but it commonly results
44:02in the same conclusion.
44:04I make
44:06people's dreams come true.
44:08Come with me, will you,
44:10on this fantastic journey.
44:14You all right, ma'am?
44:16Mel.
44:18Mel always said he'd look after me.
44:20He said he'd look after us all.
44:22And I never doubted him.
44:24I never doubted him.
44:26Ever.
44:28So, um, how much money are we talking about?
44:30I know you said millions, but seriously?
44:32For certain.
44:34We don't know yet, but I can give you
44:36my personal guarantee on one
44:38consideration.
44:40What's that?
44:42You will all live happily
44:44ever after.
44:48Tickets!
44:50Tickets!
45:02Hey, is that champagne?
45:04Oh, for God's sake, one glass? I'm nearly 16.
45:06I'm not bothered about that. I just don't have to pay for it.
45:08Don't worry, Mr. Garby.
45:10This trip is what you might call
45:12all-inclusive.
45:14Do you think we'll ever go back to Benidorm, ma'am?
45:16Who knows? Never say never.
45:18I'll drink to that.
45:20Cheers!
45:36Music
45:38Music
45:40Music
45:42Music
45:44Music
45:46Music
45:48Music
45:50Music
45:52Music