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Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:25Now, madam, the Do Not Disturb sign is hanging on the inside of your door for you to use.
00:40Yes, you're free to leave the room whenever you wish.
00:45You're welcome.
00:48Did you hear that?
00:50Unbelievable.
00:52I had a man yesterday who asked me if the beach was air-conditioned.
00:58Well, I know the nudist beach isn't, so I assume the Levant is the same.
01:05Good morning.
01:12Oh, welcome to the...
01:15Salon's very busy today.
01:17What? Oh, I don't see that. I was hoping they'd been for a pedicure on my lunch hour.
01:22Is it safe to use an angle grinder in such a confined space?
01:26Yeah.
01:28Nothing.
01:31Good morning, Sulana.
01:33How can I help you?
01:35I was wondering if you have any rooms free next week on Wednesday.
01:41Hello? Hello?
01:57Paper?
01:59Tiger, today's paper.
02:01No, thanks.
02:04Fancy a swim?
02:06No.
02:07What about a drink?
02:09No, thank you.
02:10You've got to crack your face sometimes, son. You've been sulking all day.
02:14I'm not sulking. It's called embarrassment.
02:16Everyone's embarrassed when they're a teenager. You've just got to work your way through it.
02:21You! I'm embarrassed about you!
02:23What are you embarrassed about me for?
02:25Let me think. What did my 52-year-old father do last night that could have possibly been embarrassing?
02:31Um, perving over women half his age, and when they said they weren't interested, getting into a fight with them.
02:37Which one was supposed to be half my age? You've got to be joking. They were a right pair of munters.
02:43So why were you chatting them up then?
02:45Who keeps texting you?
02:47Auntie Terry.
02:48You tell her she's got to keep her nose out of my business.
02:52Don't believe a word she says. It's all a load of rubbish. You hear me?
02:55Okay.
03:00Hola.
03:13Jacqueline, we need to talk.
03:15Oh, morning.
03:17Morning. I've been sick with worry all night.
03:20Worry? What are you worried about?
03:23You don't remember I pet positioned you last night?
03:26No.
03:27Really?
03:28Not that I remember. You just finished your drink, said you were having an early night, and went off to bed.
03:35My God. Those two lager shanties must have hit me hard last night. I haven't drunk pints since I was 18.
03:42I think I'm still a bit tiddly.
03:44That is a relief. I've been wringing my hands all morning, and I've been up since seven as well. Half the day's gone now.
03:52Don't worry about it. I've got nothing planned. Well, I say that, I might have a dip in the pool later on.
04:00I don't think I could spend another day just sitting, staring at the pool.
04:05I tend to get panic attacks if I've got nothing to do, you know, alone, with my thoughts.
04:11Glyn, I said last night, why don't you just call your wife and say you think this wife swap thing was a mistake?
04:18No, no. She's having the time of her life. Every time I text her to see if she's okay, she says she can't get enough of it.
04:27Well, Donald is an amazing man.
04:30I know I instigated this whole thing, but I can't get over the fact that you're so happy with your husband spending time with another man's wife.
04:40My wife?
04:42Well, I look at it this way. Our next door neighbour has a drill, but it doesn't have a hammer function, you know, to go into solid walls like ours does.
04:54So we're only too happy to let them borrow it from time to time.
04:59But you can't compare your husband to an electric hammer drill.
05:04Well, you say that.
05:11Mateo, can you help Leslie set up what the competition is doing in Neptune's for tonight?
05:16I think you'll need some tables from the Hawaiian function room.
05:20No problem.
05:23Everything's okay?
05:25You're looking very fresh-faced.
05:27What is fish-faced?
05:29Not fish-faced. Fresh-faced. You know, youthful, boyish, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
05:34I think I understood until you got to the bushy-tail.
05:37You haven't been to see Kenneth by any chance, have you?
05:40Kenneth?
05:41Yeah. I notice business is very brisk for him lately.
05:46Most people seem to be leaving his salon looking ten years younger.
05:50No. I do not know about this.
05:54Perhaps because I have a shave today, maybe this is why you like my bushy-tail.
05:58Close your eyes and lean forward.
06:00What are you going to do?
06:01Do you like working here?
06:03No.
06:04I'll rephrase that. Do you need this job?
06:07Yes.
06:08Then close your eyes and lean forward.
06:12What are you going to do?
06:15I'm going to jab you in the forehead with this drinking straw.
06:22Okay. Tell me when you are going to do it.
06:27Hello? Miss Temple Savage, can I open my eyes now?
06:34Right. Who's next?
06:37It's Lorraine next.
06:39Lorraine?
06:42Er, Kenneth, could I have a word, please?
06:45Sorry, Joyce, I've rushed off my feet.
06:47Fine. I'll just go and check your electricity supply. Make sure there are no imminent blowouts.
06:55That's blackmail.
07:00Actually, you're in luck. I was due a fag break anyway.
07:03Back in five minutes, ladies.
07:07Kenneth! Kenneth!
07:11Come on, we'll have to go outside.
07:13Hang on. This won't take a minute.
07:15I need to know what you're doing in there.
07:18Well, what we always do. Hair and beauty.
07:20Then why are you all dragged up like Dr Kildare?
07:23Who?
07:24Kenneth, I need to know what's going on in my hotel.
07:27Head Office have been on the phone and I just can't stall them any longer.
07:31Head Office?
07:32Crystal Hennessy-Vass herself.
07:34Well, we've started to diversify.
07:37Well, go on.
07:38Waxing, eyelash tint, bit of Botox.
07:41Botox? I knew it. Don't you need a licence for that?
07:44Shh! Keep your voice down.
07:46I'm sorry, Kenneth. I cannot allow backstreet Botox on my premises.
07:51This kind of thing has to be administered by a licensed medical practitioner.
07:54All right. Don't get your knickers in a twist.
07:56I'm not exactly Vera Drake.
07:59I don't see how I can keep this from Head Office.
08:03How many do you want?
08:05I beg your pardon?
08:06How many free Botox sessions do you want?
08:08Do you honestly think my loyalty to the Solana Group
08:11can be paid off with free Botox injections?
08:14Three sessions.
08:16Five. Half past seven.
08:17Six o'clock.
08:18See you there.
08:21Come on, hurry up. The clients are starting to turn ugly.
08:24I know. Why do you think we're doing this in the first place?
08:39Right.
08:40Better start thinking about a bit of lunch.
08:43A little light salad, I think.
08:45Got to get back to my fighting weight.
08:49Yeah, go on. I'll have a salad as well.
08:51Two enchiladas mixta coming up.
08:55Actually, you'd better make that free.
08:57It's bleeding!
08:58It's boiling!
08:59Take your coat off.
09:00Then I'd have to carry it.
09:03Shut your mouth, Clive. You're catching flies.
09:05What the bleeding hell are you doing here?
09:07I'm on my holidays.
09:08Did you know she was coming?
09:10Well, she texted me from the airport,
09:12but you told me not to believe anything she says.
09:14I got free air miles with my bra and intimate lady shaver.
09:17I'd just got out of the bath last night,
09:19was giving me a growl or a short back and sides,
09:21when I thought, I wonder if them air miles are still valid.
09:24Oh, my God.
09:25And here I am. Surprise!
09:27Here, Ty, give us a hand with my case. Room 382.
09:30You go on ahead. I can't walk fast,
09:33cos I've got a bit of stubble rash.
09:35It's making me walk like John Wayne.
09:38Come on, sweetheart.
09:45It doesn't hurt.
09:46It's just, like, four or five injections into your face.
09:52Maybe nine or ten.
09:53No, son, I don't think Botox is for me.
09:56The thing is, I'd be woody to tuck all my character out my face.
10:00Maybe just take a bit of character out your face.
10:03What, be just like all the other women walking round Benidorm?
10:06No chance.
10:07Hey, where do you want this?
10:09Oh, good lad, I've been waiting for that.
10:11Hey, can you man the bar
10:12while I go and sort my questions out for the night?
10:14Sure, no problem.
10:15Mateo, tell me, Dad,
10:16that Botox don't take all the character out your face.
10:19Botox?
10:20I do not know anything about Botox.
10:23Right then, I'd better be off.
10:25Don't forget, big dodge quiz night tonight.
10:28I'm calling it Arrows and Answers.
10:31HE CHUCKLES
10:32I'll see you later.
10:35Hey, what happened to your client conventionality?
10:38Client confidentiality is a bit pointless,
10:40when you're a 45-year-old man with a face
10:42like a 12-year-old trapped in a wind tunnel.
10:54OK, move out of the way. Move out of the way.
11:01What happened?
11:02Are you friends with this woman?
11:04No, but she's my sister.
11:05Oh, my God. What's happened?
11:07She has been hit on the head by a falling lemon.
11:10Falling from where?
11:11From a lemon tree.
11:12Well, the only tree round here is a palm tree.
11:14No, this is a lemon palm tree.
11:17It's exclusive to Benidorm.
11:19It didn't hit her on the head, it hit her in the face.
11:22How does a lemon fall from a tree that high
11:24and then turn a corner to hit somebody in the face?
11:27I was once poked in the face with a banana
11:30at a wedding reception in Dewsbury.
11:33That seemed to go round a corner.
11:35It nearly took me out.
11:37Oh, what happened? What happened to me?
11:40Where am I?
11:42Oh.
11:44Hello.
11:46Who are you?
11:48You're fit as...
11:50Oh, my God.
11:52She is hallucinating.
11:56My name is Mateo.
11:58You have had a tragic freak accident where no-one is to blame.
12:02Do you feel OK?
12:04What did you say your name was?
12:06My name is Mateo.
12:07Mateo.
12:09Mateo.
12:11Are you feeling OK?
12:12No, not really.
12:14Can you describe your symptoms?
12:16Well, for a kick-off,
12:17my auntie Mary's twitching like a rabbit's nose.
12:20Right, that's it. There's nothing wrong with her.
12:22Come, let's get her up.
12:23There's nothing wrong with her. She's got a massive black eye.
12:27What's going on? Is everybody OK?
12:30There has been an accident.
12:32I think they call it the force of God.
12:34Do you know where there are no responsibles?
12:36You want to get someone up that palm tree
12:38and pull the rest of those lemons off?
12:40They're a death trap.
12:41Mateo!
12:43Mateo!
12:44I want Mateo!
12:48What exactly happened?
12:50I think the lemon fell from the tree.
12:54Maybe.
12:56It hit the woman in the face.
12:58You mean this wax lemon fell from that palm tree
13:01and hit that woman full in the face?
13:04It is a mystery.
13:06Take this lemon and put it with the fruit in the bowl,
13:09which just happens to be sitting on your bar.
13:11And let us hope, for your sake,
13:13the woman that got hit in the face with the lemon
13:16does not solve the mystery,
13:18because that will put you out of a job.
13:32What's going on?
13:34Closing early. I'm afraid we've run out of supplies.
13:37A victim of our own success, you might say.
13:39What are you talking about? I've got an appointment at six o'clock.
13:42Are you deaf? I've just told you we've sold out.
13:44Haven't we, Liam? Completely sold out.
13:46We've gone through more needles this week than a crack house at Christmas.
13:49Now, listen to me. We had a deal.
13:51Look, it's not shampoo we've run out of.
13:53I can't just send Liam out to the Chinese shop to get a bag of Botox now, can I?
13:57We could always borrow some off Herbert.
13:59There you go, we can borrow some off Herbert.
14:01You don't even know who Herbert is.
14:03No, I know I don't, but he's got some spare Botox.
14:05Shh! Keep your voice down, will you?
14:08Look, why can't you just wait until Monday?
14:10Wait until Monday? What are you talking about?
14:12My face is dropping with every passing second.
14:14She's got a point. Thank you.
14:16For God's sake. Look, just go up to Herbert
14:18and ask him if we can lend three or four boxes.
14:21Three or four boxes? I'm not that bad.
14:23Calm down, they're not all for you.
14:25I'll be next door in the Piccadilly bar having a well-deserved pint.
14:28Right, we'll give you a shout when we're ready for you.
14:30I hope you're not going to have a drink before injecting into my face.
14:34Well, what I was thinking of doing was getting completely hammered
14:37and then putting you up in front of the dartboard for that quiz tonight
14:40and then trying to score 118 in your forehead with three hypodermics.
14:43He's joking.
14:45We'll give you a shout when we get back.
14:59So, basically, it's teams of two is what we're looking for.
15:03One dart player and one quiz player.
15:06Now, we've only got space for four teams.
15:09So, come on, don't be shy.
15:11We're going to get started after this next number.
15:14Are you any good with arrows?
15:17Arrows?
15:19Darts.
15:21Darts.
15:23Darts.
15:25Darts.
15:27Darts.
15:29Because I'd probably have somebody's eye out.
15:33Mind you, I'm not that good at general knowledge either.
15:37I mean, I love my puzzle books, but without Donald,
15:40I wouldn't know the capital of Paris.
15:44Capital of France.
15:46I don't know that either.
15:50Come on, you throwing the darts, me answering the questions.
15:55Not quite.
15:57A men's darts team.
15:59Dad, I'm putting our names down.
16:01Yeah, whatever.
16:03You could still be concussed, you know that.
16:06You should be in bed.
16:08I intend to be. I'm not on my own.
16:10Hola. How are you feeling?
16:12Oh, not too bad, thanks.
16:14I didn't put any make-up on my bruise cos it hurt too much.
16:17You must think I look horrendous.
16:19Yes, but you cannot see the bruise.
16:21Any drinks?
16:23I'll be up there with the boys.
16:25OK.
16:27I think he likes you.
16:29Now, come on, ladies and gents, I know there's no prize,
16:32but it's only a bit of fun.
16:34There must be two more people out there that want to play.
16:38No?
16:40Cos I'm going to start with the questions.
16:42Nobody else?
16:44OK, well, if that's the case...
16:46Jesus, what the hell was that?
16:48You could have taken somebody's bloody eye out.
16:50Who was that?
16:54You've got your final team, my friend.
17:00Geoff Maltby.
17:02AKA...
17:04The Oracle.
17:06And I'm Noreen.
17:08And she's my PA.
17:11Let's do this.
17:13Hit it, Darren!
17:23MUSIC
17:25MUSIC
17:51Easy! Easy! Easy!
17:54Come on!
17:59You know, my friend,
18:01believe me,
18:03it's never only a game.
18:17Where have you been?
18:19I told you I was going to the Piccadilly.
18:21I didn't think you'd still be there. I've always gone ages.
18:23Just tell me about it. I've exhausted my repertoire.
18:25I did Wonderful World, Little White Bull.
18:27I texted you to see if you wanted to do Cinderella Rockefeller,
18:30but you never replied.
18:32Are you drunk?
18:34No, I am not drunk! How dare you?
18:36I had three or four pints. Three or four pints?
18:38Oh, yeah, give us that here.
18:40The Wicked Witch of the West will be here soon.
18:43I want my face pumped with poison.
18:45Oh, I haven't seen these before.
18:47How much did Herbert charge you for these?
18:49They're not from Herbert. Who are they from? Caleb and Di?
18:51No.
18:53Julie's? No.
18:55Oh, they're not from Benny in the indoor market, are they?
18:57She'll have mixed these up herself.
18:59I got them from the Chinese shop.
19:01What?! I was taking the piss when I said that!
19:03I know you were, but I've been everywhere else
19:05and nobody seemed to have any, so I thought,
19:07it can't hurt to ask, and he gave me these.
19:09It's not actually Botox, but it'll do the trick.
19:11How much were they?
19:13How much do you usually pay?
19:15Can't remember. About 80 euros a box?
19:17Four euros.
19:19That's four boxes, 16 euros.
19:21But I haggled him down to 10.
19:23Liam!
19:25Right. If you don't do this now,
19:27I'm cutting off your water.
19:31Well?
19:35Take a seat.
19:49Come on, fella.
19:51You're holding up the quiz.
19:53You don't understand, do you?
19:55It's not me against them.
19:57It's me against the board.
19:59I'm citing the board.
20:01Well, can you do it a bit quicker?
20:03Or we'll have a riot on our hands.
20:19Yes!
20:25Yes!
20:37This has got to work.
20:39We had a few sugary drinks on the plane.
20:41You must have been giddy
20:43first day of your holiday.
20:45Yeah, when I was 12.
20:47OK, that's the first round, Jeff.
20:49The oracle.
20:51Oh, sorry, the oracle.
20:53And the question is
20:55general knowledge.
20:57Noreen, for 180 points,
20:59Philip Treacy
21:01is most famous
21:03for designing what?
21:05Oh, heck no.
21:07Let me think.
21:09Erm...
21:11No, he'll have to do it again.
21:13I mean, can I have the answer?
21:15He'll have to do it again.
21:17I mean, can I have the question again?
21:19Philip Treacy is most famous
21:21for designing what?
21:29I think the answer is
21:31cats.
21:33Does Tracy Phillips
21:35design cats?
21:37It's actually Philip Treacy.
21:39But is cats
21:41your final answer?
21:45Are you all right?
21:47Yeah?
21:49Thanks.
21:51Yes, cats, final answer.
21:53I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer.
21:55But I can hand it over.
21:57Is it hats?
21:59It is indeed. 28 points scored.
22:01OK, second round.
22:03Clive to throw first.
22:09Go on, Dad,
22:11go on.
22:13Two.
22:17Three.
22:19Another two.
22:21Seven scored.
22:23Don't be afraid of using
22:25the top half of the board, fella.
22:27I can always pull them out for you.
22:29Cheeky bastard.
22:33Your drinks.
22:35Here. Does my eye look a bit wonky?
22:37What is wonky?
22:39You know, a bit dodgy. Everything's a bit blurred.
22:41Can you have a look?
22:45No, I think it's OK.
22:47I might have to go and have a lie down.
22:49Room 382.
22:51The thing is, I haven't got one of them
22:53signs for the door. Do you know what I mean?
22:55Do you think I might be disturbed?
22:57What, do you mean like
22:59crazy? It's not
23:01for me to say. No, I mean without
23:03the sign on the door, what are the chances
23:05of someone entering my
23:07private space?
23:09Room 382.
23:11Don't worry.
23:13The hotel is very safe.
23:15There is almost zero chance of
23:17any person entering your private space
23:19for the whole of your holiday.
23:21Yeah.
23:23Story of my life, mate.
23:27Just a score of one there, Tariq.
23:29OK, Clive's up next.
23:31Bloody hell, that was fast.
23:33Let's have a look.
23:3525, 10.
23:37Another 20. 55.
23:39Puts you to meat. Good out.
23:41Dr. Shearn. Right, Jeff's next on your meat.
23:49Now he's scoring big
23:51there, but his teammates just can't seem to come up
23:53with the answers.
23:55Do you mind? Sorry.
23:57Sorry.
23:59Do you mind? Sorry.
24:03Just so you know.
24:1355 to beat.
24:15What is wrong with you? Why do you keep talking?
24:17I'm just doing what you want to tell you.
24:19Don't just shut up.
24:23And while we're at it, can we have a bit of order, please?
24:25For God's sake,
24:27how am I supposed to concentrate with that racket
24:29going on? Eh?
24:47Well, that's too quiet now.
24:49You're just taking the piss.
24:51No, mate. It's you that's taking the piss.
24:53Just throw your darts.
24:55Chuck them when I'm good and ready.
24:57You're holding it all out.
24:59You know what the problem is with my son,
25:01don't you? He's an idiot?
25:03No.
25:05Well, I suppose that's
25:07consumptive. No.
25:09His problem is he was
25:11born too soon.
25:13How do you mean? Well, these days
25:15they have untold
25:17numbers of conditions.
25:19Asperger's.
25:21Autism.
25:23CDC.
25:25But when I Jeff were a lad,
25:27well,
25:29he was just
25:31annoying.
25:33I'll play this game. Now what?
25:35Well, if you tell Penfold here if it
25:37calmed down. Well, you started it.
25:39All right. Game on.
25:41The Oracle, the throw.
25:4755 to beat.
25:53That's five scored.
25:55Come on.
26:01And another five.
26:03Come on, Jeff.
26:05Keep it together.
26:23Yes!
26:25Yes!
26:27Yes!
26:29Yes!
26:31Yes!
26:33Yes!
26:35Easy! Easy!
26:37Easy! Easy!
26:39Easy!
26:41Nori,
26:43how many wings
26:45does a butterfly have?
26:47Oh, now, I know this one
26:49because it's a trick question,
26:51isn't it?
26:53Not really.
26:55A butterfly has no wings.
26:57Is that your final answer?
27:03No wings.
27:05Final answer.
27:07I'm sorry.
27:09The answer's four.
27:11A butterfly has four
27:13wings.
27:15I was thinking of a caterpillar.
27:21Unbelievable.
27:27Yes, my friend?
27:29Tonic water, please, with just a touch of lime.
27:31That ain't gonna get you merry in this place.
27:33Oh, I never touch alcohol.
27:35I once drank so much when I was 16
27:37that I had to have
27:39my stomach pumped.
27:41Horrendous experience.
27:43You get used to it.
27:45Just the tonic water, Jess?
27:47Yes, no, no, a large Harvey
27:49Burger with extra
27:51toffee vodka shot, please.
27:55For a friend.
27:59How are you feeling?
28:01Eh? The incident today.
28:03When you got hit in the face
28:05with a lemon.
28:07I inadvertently recorded the whole thing
28:09on my phone if you wanted to have a look.
28:11I've seen enough videos of me pulling arse over tit, thanks.
28:13I can't think of one of me doing it sober
28:15is gonna be much different.
28:17I've forgiven him.
28:19Forgiven who?
28:39Oh.
28:41Oh, dear.
28:43Thank you very much.
28:45I'll have a vodka and coke.
28:47No lemon.
28:49I've heard they can be lethal in the wrong hands.
28:53Oh, yes.
28:55We've got a lot of lines to fill in here.
28:57This looks like a road map of North Wales.
28:59I think we're gonna need more than one session.
29:01More than one session?
29:03I think we need a foot pump.
29:05Do you mind not discussing me like a piece of meat?
29:07This is the free consultation.
29:09Free?
29:11How many people actually pay you
29:13to psychologically rip them to pieces?
29:15Look, we have to assess the condemned building
29:17before we try to underpin the foundations.
29:19Will you just get on with it?
29:21She's right, you know.
29:23We're wasting valuable supping time.
29:25Ahem.
29:31Liam.
29:33Let the magic begin.
29:37Ah!
29:39What the bloody hell's the matter with you?
29:41I haven't gone anywhere near you yet.
29:43It's a needle.
29:45What about it?
29:47I'm scared of them.
29:49So why have you booked in for a course of Botox?
29:51Because I thought my eyes would be closed.
29:53Well, then close your eyes.
29:55I can't now. I've seen you holding a needle.
29:57Close your eyes.
29:59Ah!
30:01That was just me hand!
30:03I'm sorry.
30:05Right, forget it.
30:07Please, please, have you got something I could bite onto?
30:09Bite onto a piece of wood.
30:11We're not sawing your leg off.
30:13I could do my lullaby.
30:15What lullaby?
30:17When I was a teenager, I used to sing a lullaby to my sisters
30:19to send them to sleep.
30:21She's hardly a baby.
30:23They were 22 at the time.
30:25Oh, God, the mind boggles.
30:27Right, get on with it.
30:29Go to sleep.
30:31Go to sleep.
30:33Close your big bloodshot eyes.
30:35Go to sleep.
30:37Go to sleep.
30:39The Sandman waits
30:41for you.
30:45Da-da-dum.
30:47Da-da-dum.
30:53That's 20, which makes a total of
30:55100!
30:57To take the fifth round.
30:59Come on!
31:01Nori, your question is on ancient history.
31:03Oh, for God's sake!
31:05You just asked him where do the Wombles live.
31:07There's no consistency.
31:09I'm sorry, I'm just reading the question.
31:11It has to come out.
31:13Archaeologist Howard Carter
31:15is most famously credited
31:17with discovering
31:19what?
31:21Howard Carter.
31:23Howard Carter.
31:25He's cheating.
31:27What are you talking about? I'm just standing with my arms crossed.
31:29Yeah, and who crosses their arms
31:31like that?
31:33Order, please!
31:35Nori,
31:37do you have an answer?
31:39Um, Howard
31:41Carter.
31:45Was he the one who needed
31:47to wash in Tate, lad?
31:49Oh, I'm sorry.
31:51He discovered Tutankhamun's tomb.
31:53Howard Carter, I mean.
31:55Not that young lad from Tate, lad.
31:57Hang on, weren't you meant to be
31:59frying these questions over? Well, it's too late now.
32:01The next question is for Tiger,
32:03and it's on television.
32:05What is
32:07Del Boy's surname?
32:09Trotter.
32:11No, no, no, I'm not having that. No way.
32:13What you doing, man? It is Trotter.
32:15That's the right answer.
32:17That is enough. You're no longer in the competition.
32:19It's a fix. Have you heard the questions?
32:21They've been asked. Come on, son.
32:23Let's sit down and have a drink.
32:25Come on.
32:27Come on.
32:29Speak to the manager.
32:31I mean, it's a bloody disgrace. You've not got a clue,
32:33none of you.
32:35Look, man, I'm just reading the fact of it in a minute.
32:37I'm just reading them off the paper.
32:39But it's wonderful. You look ten years younger.
32:41Well, I must admit, I do feel that.
32:43Oh, my
32:45God!
32:47Ah!
32:49Oi!
32:51Right, that's it.
32:53The quiz is over. I knew this was a bad idea.
32:55It is him, the mama's boy.
32:57He's causing the trouble.
32:59She's not my mum. She's a business associate.
33:01Please, could we finish the quiz?
33:03We came a day early
33:05because we saw it on the website.
33:07Sorry, I can't have any more trouble.
33:09No more trouble.
33:11Please, I promise.
33:13Get this wound up
33:15and get the karaoke on.
33:17Sit down.
33:23Miss Damper-Savage, you're OK?
33:25I'm fine. Come on, get it wrapped up.
33:31OK, this is the final round
33:33and it's all change.
33:35Will all contestants
33:37please swap places with their partners?
33:39You've got to be joking, eh?
33:41Sit.
33:43Sit.
33:45All right, coffee to throw first.
33:47Give on.
33:49He's coming over here.
33:51Excuse me.
33:53Excuse me.
33:55My face feels rather strange.
33:57Well, of course it does.
33:59Everything feels strange the first time.
34:01Even you must remember that.
34:03A bit of tingling in the face is very common.
34:05Yes, but you injected me in my forehead
34:09and I can feel it in my neck.
34:11Well, let's face it,
34:13a bit of tightening round that baggy old gizzard
34:15isn't going to do you any harm, is it?
34:17No offence.
34:19None taken, I'm sure.
34:23Where are we going?
34:25Anywhere.
34:29I do not know what to say.
34:31It was an accident.
34:33I might have brain damage.
34:35And you think being hit in the head with a lemon
34:37could make it worse?
34:39No. I mean, you might have caused it.
34:41You know, in my family, we have a saying.
34:43A lemon in the face
34:45is better than
34:47a toad in the hole.
34:49That's quite a specific family saying.
34:51Si, claro.
34:53My mother, she's very wise.
34:55Yeah, well, we got quite a wise saying in our family and all.
34:57Where there's blame, there's a claim.
34:59Liz, you do not understand.
35:01I could lose my job here.
35:03I don't want you to lose your job.
35:05But I reckon I am due some sort of compensation.
35:07Liz, I get nothing.
35:09Look, my trousers,
35:11they are empty.
35:13I very much doubt that.
35:15I wish you a good evening.
35:17I beg your pardon?
35:19I said,
35:21I wish you a good evening.
35:23I wish you said
35:25I trust you more for January evening.
35:27Oh, right.
35:29Very good, thank you.
35:35There's not a ventriloquist on tonight,
35:37is there?
35:39For now,
35:41we'll have to wait
35:43For now,
35:45we've got Tyler for Clive,
35:4731 a bit.
35:49You'll shut him.
35:55What do you think you're doing?
35:57Sorry?
35:59You can take that one again, son,
36:01if you want to.
36:03But it isn't 7.80.
36:05Oh, wicked.
36:07Ahem, ahem, ahem.
36:09What do you think you're doing?
36:11I thought it helped you.
36:13Of course it don't help me, you dick.
36:15Come on, ladies.
36:17Do you mind saving this little domestic
36:19for later with a match to finish?
36:23You're not to warn.
36:2558 scored.
36:27No ring, you need 59 or more
36:29to take the final roll.
36:31Oh, heck.
36:33I don't think these are the right glasses
36:35for this sort of thing.
36:37Right, here we go.
36:41Bloody hell!
36:43Do us all a favour, love,
36:45and find me other glasses.
36:47I think I've left my readers in the room.
36:49Come on, get on with it.
36:51Just concentrate and look at the ball.
36:53It's here where you want to be,
36:55in the treble 20,
36:57the way you have to rotate,
36:59just about three foot to the wide.
37:01Like mother like son.
37:03Excuse me, P.A.
37:05Right, right, that's it.
37:07You're going to have me higher with the next one.
37:09Hang on.
37:11Hang on.
37:17What the hell is he doing?
37:23Right, throw it at me head.
37:25What?
37:27Hang on a minute.
37:29Throw the dart exactly the same,
37:31but at the top of me forehead.
37:33Give me the dart, I'll throw it at his head.
37:35Don't think about it.
37:37OK.
37:3959 to take the round.
37:45Yes!
37:47Yes!
37:49That's 60 scored, 50 in the final round.
37:53Your question is unpunctuated.
37:55Bring it on.
37:57OK.
37:591960s piano playing legend,
38:01Gladys Jordan,
38:03was better known as who?
38:05Erm...
38:07This is easy.
38:09Shut up.
38:11I'm all through you, Jeff.
38:13Can I hear the question again, please?
38:151960s piano playing legend,
38:17Gladys Jordan,
38:19was better known as who?
38:23Even I know this one.
38:25I'll have to press you for an answer.
38:29I've got it.
38:31It's a trick question.
38:33The answer is Liberace.
38:35You think Liberace's real name
38:37is Gladys Jordan?
38:39I'm sorry, Jeff, that's not the answer
38:41I've got on the card here.
38:43I can throw it over the cliff.
38:45Mrs Mills.
38:47Invalid question.
38:49Invalid question.
38:51Piano solos cannot be categorised as pop songs.
38:53I think you're splitting hairs now, son.
38:55This is just rubbish.
38:57Where are the proper questions?
38:59Somebody ask me any of the names
39:01of the 44 presidents of the United States.
39:03Go on, ask me.
39:05Number 6, John Quincy Adams.
39:07Number 19,
39:09Rutherford B. Hayes.
39:1135th, John F. Kennedy.
39:13All right, all right, that's enough.
39:15What is the chemical element symbol
39:17for mercury?
39:19Hg.
39:21What's the longest river in Europe?
39:23The Volga.
39:25Who was the youngest person to ever have won Wimbledon?
39:27You don't know, do you?
39:29Charlotte Dodd, 1887.
39:31Come on, son.
39:33Let's try and be magnanimous
39:35and defeat.
39:37Defeat?
39:39It's a joke.
39:41It's null and void.
39:43Look!
39:45Look!
39:47It's not even a real dartboard anyway!
39:49Look!
39:51Look!
39:53Look!
39:59Look!
40:01I am the oracle!
40:03Hear me roar!
40:05Roar!
40:07Security up here, please!
40:09Mary, you're all carried.
40:11Hey, buddy!
40:13Look!
40:15Oh, royal!
40:17What on earth
40:19do you think you're doing?
40:21Are you feeling all right, Mrs. Temple-Summage?
40:23No, this is nothing.
40:25I'm not sure that I am.
40:27Hey!
40:29Darren, get some music on.
40:31Get over here.
40:33Give me a hand to get her outside.
40:35Get one on either side.
40:37Get her up the threshold.
40:53Come on, son.
40:55Let's have an early night.
40:59You!
41:05Come on!
41:07Hurry up!
41:11This place is an absolute nut house.
41:13I'm afraid
41:15there's never a dull moment.
41:17Jacqueline, I think if I have one more day
41:19incarcerated in this hotel,
41:21I may just go insane.
41:23Well, the thing is
41:25it's all-inclusive here
41:27and, well,
41:29we don't usually bring any money
41:31out with us.
41:33I'm taking you on a day out tomorrow.
41:35Oh, good!
41:41What do you reckon was wrong with that geezer?
41:43He's what's commonly known
41:45in the medical profession
41:47as a big, fat nutter.
41:49I'll talk to the devil.
41:51Where you been?
41:53Just been claiming a bit of compensation.
41:55What's that mean? Compensation?
41:57From who?
41:59Turns out it was that barman who threw the lemon and knocked me out.
42:01You won't get nothing out of him.
42:03He tried to rip us off last year.
42:05Oh, don't worry.
42:07He's already paid him full.
42:09And I think if I play my cards right,
42:11he might give me another instalment tomorrow night.
42:13Huh.
42:15Oh.
42:21Here you go, son.
42:23Nice cup of Horlicks.
42:25Where did you get that from?
42:27I brought it with us.
42:29You see,
42:31you can always rely on your old mam.
42:33Now,
42:35have you taken your tablets?
42:37I don't want you getting all upset again.
42:39Dr Loomis gave me a spare bottle,
42:41you know,
42:43for your panic attacks.
42:45They're not panic attacks.
42:47People don't understand what it means
42:49to be a tortured genius.
42:51You're like your father.
42:53On our last holiday,
42:55as we went through customs,
42:57he shouted,
42:59I have nothing to declare
43:01but my genius.
43:03Wild.
43:05Wild?
43:07He was furious.
43:09They found 2,000 ciggies
43:11and a knife.
43:13He said,
43:152,000 ciggies
43:17and a novelty lighter
43:19in the shape of a hand grenade.
43:23Oh.
43:25Feels funny,
43:27us having separate apartments.
43:29Do you want me to
43:31pull out a Z-bed?
43:33No, Mother.
43:35I'm 40 years old.
43:37I'll be fine.
43:39All right, son.
43:41See you in the morning.
43:43See you in the morning.
43:47Do you want me to leave the light
43:49on in the other room
43:51and this door ajar
43:53just as a
43:55night light?
43:59Yes, please.
44:03Good night, son.
44:05Good night.
44:13Good night.
44:43snoring
44:45snoring
44:47snoring
44:49snoring
44:51snoring
44:53snoring
44:55snoring
44:57snoring
44:59snoring
45:01snoring
45:03snoring
45:05snoring
45:07snoring
45:09snoring
45:11snoring
45:13snoring
45:15snoring
45:17snoring
45:19snoring
45:21snoring
45:23snoring
45:25snoring
45:27snoring
45:29snoring
45:31snoring
45:33snoring
45:35snoring
45:37snoring
45:39snoring
45:41snoring
45:43snoring
45:45snoring
45:47snoring
45:49snoring
45:51snoring
45:53snoring
45:55snoring
45:57snoring
45:59snoring
46:01snoring
46:03snoring
46:05snoring