Frasier Season 3 Episode 4 Leapin' Lizards (1)
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00:00Hello Niles, Frasier, quick, give me your museum membership card.
00:11What for?
00:12I just heard tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of 14th century Japanese Netsuke
00:17figurines.
00:18Oh, then the rumors were true.
00:19Hurry, hurry, I want to get there before the line forms.
00:23Five seconds.
00:24Oh, just give me a minute Niles.
00:28Give me a minute.
00:32And we're back.
00:34Before we take our last call, I'd like to remind you that Mercy Hospital will be conducting
00:39free blood pressure testing this Saturday on Whidbey Island.
00:43Hypertension leads to stroke, heart disease, and other maladies, so we should all be on
00:50the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath, quickening of pulse, irritability,
00:57or we just shoved a damn thing in your mouth.
01:02So let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer.
01:13Roz, who's on the line?
01:19On line four we have Mac, who's recently moved here from Australia, and he's having a problem
01:24with a co-worker.
01:26Hello Mac, welcome to Seattle.
01:28I'm listening.
01:29Well mate, it's like the Sheila said.
01:32I'm working with a real yabba.
01:35He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about just to show off how smart
01:40he is.
01:41Well, you have my sympathy.
01:42There is nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition.
01:50My advice to you is to simply avoid him.
01:53Is that possible?
01:55Not really, you bloody wallaby.
01:57You're on right before me.
02:00Stay tuned for the bulldog.
02:10Well, that's one on me.
02:13Or rather, one on me and my call screener Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking,
02:20Oh, what a nice wooden horse.
02:22Of course I'll sign for it.
02:28This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
02:35Gotcha!
02:36How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics?
02:41I get a sense of humor.
02:43Look, I mean it.
02:44I will go over your head.
02:46Stop it, you scare me.
02:49Listen, you sleazy little lime-tick, you do that one more time and I'll cut you off.
02:55And I don't mean mid-sentence.
02:58Stop it, you're scaring me.
03:05Indeed, the sophomoric hijinks I have to put up with.
03:08No.
03:09Who would have thought it from a station whose current motto is yakety yak, we talk back?
03:13Oh, run along.
03:19Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
03:21Oh, Miss Costas, I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
03:24How do you do?
03:25Enchanté.
03:26I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm off to get tickets for Frasier and me to the Japanese netsuke exhibit.
03:31You'll love it.
03:32I saw it in Kyoto.
03:33It's just such a shame they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country.
03:39Oh.
03:41Yes.
03:46As my Japanese gardener says, imaimashi chikushou.
03:51Watch your mouth.
03:54Oh, you speak Japanese.
03:57I'll just retreat now so that I can be one with my humiliation.
04:06Um, Kate, can I have a word with you?
04:09I'm in kind of a hurry.
04:10Yes, well, just take a moment.
04:12Yeah, I seriously doubt that, but go ahead.
04:15I'm trying to deal with this problem on my own, but old dog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks.
04:22Yeah, I heard.
04:23I did not spend eight grueling years at Harvard to be mocked by that juvenile jackass.
04:29Shameless.
04:30Oh, he's beyond shameless.
04:32I'm talking about the way you managed to get Harvard into every conversation.
04:36Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater, too, someday when it's accredited.
04:44Gee, you sure know how to ask for help.
04:47Oh, I'm sorry.
04:48All right, all right, all right, I'll take care of it.
04:51Just make sure that he understands that...
04:53You went to Harvard?
04:54I know.
04:55I'll tell him.
04:58Hey, the key to this game is the Husky secondary.
05:01Jack, how can I put this to you delicately?
05:04You're a moron.
05:06Shut up.
05:08You don't know squat.
05:09You know less than squat.
05:11You and squat could go to the movies and squat could wear an I'm with stupid t-shirt.
05:17You're awesome, Bulldog.
05:18Hey, way to nail that blowhard back to crane.
05:21You are the greatest.
05:22Yeah, whatever.
05:23Shut up.
05:24Now look, all you guys sending in these postcards to win tickets to the Seahawks game,
05:29do I need another picture of the Space Needle?
05:33Chicks in thongs.
05:35Enough said.
05:37We'll be back right after this.
05:41Hey, what I just said, I'm sorry.
05:43I meant to say women in thongs.
05:47Stop busting Frazier's chops.
05:49Enough said.
05:50Well, I could, but see all these lines split up?
05:52They're all waiting to tell me how funny it was.
05:57Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog how much they like the joke he played on Frazier?
06:04All except the guy on nine who thinks Bulldog sucks.
06:07Because of what he did to Frazier?
06:09No, just in general.
06:13So what do you want me to do?
06:15If you think I'm going to allow you to publicly mock one of our most respected hosts on air
06:21just for the sake of higher ratings, you and I are going to get along just fine.
06:34Come on, Eddie.
06:35You love pate.
06:36And this is the good stuff.
06:40Uh-oh.
06:42Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door.
06:49Does that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported pate?
06:54No.
06:56Well, then I'm going to have to ask you a question.
06:58Does that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog?
07:06I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
07:10Oh, well, heaven forbid Eddie should ever work a nerve.
07:16When Niles gets here, we'll have sherry and snausages.
07:19That reminds me.
07:21Dr. Cream will be a bit late.
07:23Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.
07:28I know, and it's had a hard day.
07:30How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers?
07:33I've often wondered that myself.
07:36Hello?
07:37Hello.
07:38This is Dr. Julius Irving.
07:41I'm calling for Dr. Cream.
07:43I'm calling for Dr. Cream.
07:45Hello.
07:47This is Dr. Julius Irving.
07:49I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane.
07:52His receptionist said he might be there.
07:55I'm sorry.
07:57I am expecting him, if you'd like to leave a message.
07:59Oh, no, no.
08:01Nothing important.
08:03Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about the Mikado.
08:07Well, perhaps I can help.
08:09I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frazier Crane, and as luck would have it,
08:11I was in an all-male version of the Mikado at Oxford.
08:16He was still asked to see my yum-yum.
08:21I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to
08:24Three Little Maids?
08:27Well, let me see.
08:29Of course, my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but...
08:36Three little maids from school are we?
08:38You know, just a schoolgirl, well, maybe.
08:41Filled to the brim with girlish glee.
08:45Three little maids from school.
08:52Dad, would you please be quiet?
08:55I'm trying to settle a bet here.
08:57You sure are.
08:59Some call-her-vet bulldog, he couldn't make you sing over the air.
09:04Sayonara, darling.
09:06Sayonara, darling.
09:12Well, Dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused.
09:15Have your own son humiliated publicly?
09:17Oh, come on, it's funny.
09:19He makes everybody look stupid.
09:21The guys in the newsroom, Chopper Dave.
09:24Oh, not exactly a miracle transformation when it comes to Chopper Dave.
09:28A man whose life, work, and sister, looking down at the freeway and saying,
09:32Crowded, not crowded.
09:33Hey, where are you going?
09:35Back to the station.
09:37Oh, come on, Fred, you don't take yourself so seriously.
09:40You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force.
09:44The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big, lacy bra,
09:48I knew I was one of the guys.
09:53Thank you, Dad.
09:55That also clears up a question that's troubled me for years,
09:58concerning the night you were shot.
10:00The night you were shot.
10:07The Salmon?
10:09That's what you want to name our expansion hockey team, the Seattle Salmon?
10:15Why don't you take your two IQ points, rub them together, see if you can start a fire.
10:20Beat it.
10:22You're in the doghouse.
10:24Hey, am I on?
10:26Yeah, take as long as you want.
10:28Next.
10:30Bulldog, you're the man.
10:32How about we name them the Bulldogs?
10:34You want to suck up? Send money.
10:36Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
10:38I got another one.
10:40What about the Lizards?
10:42I hate lizards. They're disgusting.
10:44They make my skin crawl. You're an idiot.
10:46You don't deserve to live.
10:48You're the best, Bulldog.
10:50Oh, shut up. Back in 30.
10:52I warned you.
10:54Hey, hey, clear your jets.
10:56Kate told me to keep busting you.
10:58Said it's good for ratings.
11:00I don't believe you.
11:02Pete, what did Kate say?
11:04She said you're a pig.
11:06No, before that.
11:08She said to keep ragging on the doc.
11:17I want to talk to Kate now.
11:19She's not in.
11:21Oh, very clever. She's not in. Like that'll make me go away.
11:27She's not in.
11:28Susan, I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart.
11:32What's Yum-Yum doing here?
11:36Never mind, I can guess.
11:38You promised you would put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans,
11:42and instead you encouraged him.
11:44You're cancelling pet chat with Nanette?
11:47She's been on for six years.
11:49Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two.
11:53Look, when I went in to talk to Bulldog,
11:57the phones were lit up like Times Square.
12:00His fans love it when he zaps you.
12:02So you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas?
12:05No, I would have you fight back.
12:08He takes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll,
12:11Ivy League, look at me, I've got a thesaurus kind of way.
12:15It'll be funny.
12:17Funny?
12:19Funny!
12:21I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man whose favourite T-shirt reads
12:24Seattle Hooter Inspector.
12:28Afraid of the competition?
12:30I am a doctor.
12:32I went to medical school.
12:38I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.
12:43You just announced to a half a million listeners
12:46that you are filled to the brim with girlish glee.
12:49I think the HMS pinafore of embarrassment has sailed.
12:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone.
12:59Oh, God, she brought Spanky.
13:04Gates, this is not over.
13:07You know what your problem is?
13:09You have no sense of humour.
13:11I am sick and tired of people telling me that.
13:14Well, then lighten up.
13:16I asked the Raiders defensive line to describe their tackling skills.
13:21And here's what they said.
13:22Three little mates from school all.
13:25Three little mates from school.
13:36Good evening, Daphne.
13:38Evening, Dr. Crane.
13:40Did you bring out his pills?
13:42Yes, and the vet gave very specific instructions.
13:45Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides.
13:50I'm sorry, these are for Maris.
13:56Those are for Eddie. There you go.
13:59I'll just hide his pill in a bit of food.
14:02That's how Grammy Moon used to get Grandad to take his heart medicine.
14:07If he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine?
14:11Don't think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question.
14:17Your nose, Eddie.
14:18Oh, he's a good boy.
14:21Normally, I don't believe in popping pills for every little upset.
14:26I quite agree.
14:28My nerves are bothered by this constant thundering too,
14:31but I would never turn to drugs to calm down.
14:34Oh, mummy.
14:40Hey, Niles, you're never going to believe what happened to Frasier.
14:43Oh, I heard the whole thing.
14:45You listened to Bulldog's program?
14:48Yes, Dad. I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.
14:54No, no, no. It was on at the vet's.
14:59You would think that in a city with this much rain,
15:02that people would develop an etiquette about it, but no.
15:06They buy umbrellas that are too big so you have to walk into the street to get around them,
15:11and then they drive too close to the curb that you're sure to get splashed.
15:15And they wear brown shoes with white socks.
15:21What has that got to do with the rain?
15:24Nothing. But, I mean, really, get a fashion sense.
15:30Well, I guess things didn't go too well down at the station, huh?
15:34No, they didn't.
15:36Turns out the station manager is encouraging Bulldog's little program.
15:39Now she wants to return his fire on the air.
15:43Oh, well, I thought the idea was absurd at first.
15:46But now I'm starting to warm to it.
15:48I say have at him.
15:50He is grossly overmatched, but he didn't bring this on himself.
15:53You know, you're right, Naz.
15:55If I have to fight cheap and dirty on his own terms, then I will.
16:00Uh...
16:04And what is that supposed to mean?
16:06Well, I don't think it's a good idea.
16:09You know, Bulldog's pretty good at this kind of thing.
16:12I... I... He's a funny guy.
16:15And I'm not funny?
16:17Uh...
16:20I don't believe this.
16:22Well, now, obviously Dad's forgetting the time you took the names of our wine club board
16:27and turned them all into wickedly derisive anagrams.
16:30Sydney Ass Basket!
16:33Sydney Ass Basket!
16:40Ah, you see, Dad, I made you laugh.
16:43Now I'm looking at Eddie.
16:48I guess he won't be needing a second pill.
16:53Now, now, Frazier, don't get me wrong.
16:56I think you're witty. You're clever.
16:59But funny's different.
17:00Funny's somebody who makes you laugh with your belly.
17:03Now, Bulldog's funny.
17:05Duke's cousin Louie, now, he's really funny.
17:08He's like Jackie Gleason, only loud.
17:14He makes you laugh so hard the beer comes out of your nose.
17:20You know what feels good through the nose?
17:23A warm cup of cocoa.
17:30I just may go home for Christmas this year.
17:34You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer through their nostrils
17:41doesn't mean that I can't.
17:43Anyone who can compose a clever barb
17:46can certainly master the intricacies of the whoopee cushion.
17:50Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. It's a lot harder than you think.
17:54All right, you just tune in to Bulldog's show tomorrow,
17:56pop open a beer, and prepare for a Budweiser geyser.
18:04You know, Frazier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to have one at the house.
18:09Last year, a disgruntled servant left one on Maris's dining room chair.
18:14Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted
18:17when my little fawn proved too light to activate it.
18:26Well, it's 6.30, sports fans.
18:29That means it's time for
18:35our big Seahawks tickets giveaway.
18:39Yes, my curvaceous and bodacious assistant Darlene
18:43is rolling in our glittering giant prize drum right now.
18:48Okay, Darlene, give it a good crank.
18:52Whoa, honey, I meant the drum.
18:55All right, here it comes, Ross.
18:58Hilarity ensues.
19:01Okay, explain this to me one more time.
19:04You're the one who's trying to prove to everyone you're so funny.
19:07So why am I the one that had to put the lizard in the box?
19:10It was just as difficult to be the lookout. Stop whining.
19:14Hey, look who's here. It's our new boss lady, KACL's own Kate Costas.
19:20Kate's there? Oh, Frazier, Kate's there?
19:22No, no, it's even better, even better
19:25that she will be an eyewitness to my little jape.
19:28Come on in, Kate.
19:31Yeah, here we go.
19:34Glad you dropped in.
19:37Hello, Bulldog.
19:40Hi, Darlene.
19:43Wow, look at that mighty drum.
19:46Yeah, give it a good spin.
19:49Look at those cards going around.
19:52Round and round.
19:55Okay, Seattle.
19:58And the winner is...
20:01Hey, Kate, why don't you pick it?
20:04Okay, and the lucky winner is...
20:07Yow!
20:10Something bit me!
20:13Oh, my God! It's a lizard!
20:16Oh, man, it got your face!
20:19Oh, God!
20:22Stop that lizard! It has my finger!
20:33Ross, any news?
20:36Oh, yeah, they sewed her fingertip back on. She's gonna be fine.
20:40Frazier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face?
20:43No one even suspects you.
20:45Why not?
20:47Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you.
20:50Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me.
20:53I'm going to accept my limitations and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane.
21:00Even my most barbed comments never drew blood.
21:05Oh, God, I feel sick.
21:07You do.
21:09When the lizard threw up the fingertip, who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?
21:15I'm gonna tell her the truth.
21:17What? Are you insane?
21:18I've got to unburden myself.
21:20Frazier, you didn't start this.
21:23You are the victim here.
21:25Why should you have to suffer any more than you already have?
21:29I'll keep your name out of this one.
21:31Fine, do what you want.
21:34I don't know when I'll be back in the office, Susan.
21:37Just cancel all my appointments.
21:40Is there any word on who pulled this stupid stunt?
21:43I don't want excuses! I want names!
21:48Can you hurry up that shot? I'm in agony here.
21:51Kate, I see that your strength is back.
21:56Lots of flowers.
21:58What kind of raving psychotic would do a thing like this?
22:02Oh, you know, people use that word psychotic an awful lot these days.
22:07A kid steals a candy bar, suddenly he's a psychotic.
22:12I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna crush him.
22:16Are you sure that's enough? Make sure that all goes in.
22:22Come if you need me, Sam.
22:29Well, Kate, I came here for a reason.
22:35Oh, let me guess. Someone parked in your space?
22:39No, but if someone had, I would have forgiven him.
22:44Just as I'm sure you will forgive.
22:47Who?
22:49Well, I'm sure that the poor misguided prankster that perpetrated this evil deed
22:56really had no ill will in mind. It wasn't his or her intention.
23:02You know, that Nanette from Pet Chat.
23:10She had a real axe to grind.
23:12She had a real axe to grind.
23:16What?
23:17What?
23:19Your giggle.
23:21Oh, it's kind of funny.
23:25What?
23:26What?
23:29What's funny?
23:31Oh, I was just remembering.
23:35What?
23:36What?
23:37Oh, oh, the shots kick again, isn't it?
23:42You know, you bite my middle finger. How am I supposed to drive?
23:53You know, Kate, maybe now would be a good time to tell you.
23:57You know, you know, life is so funny.
24:00One minute, you're standing in a hallway.
24:04The next minute, you're a poo-poo platter for a lizard.
24:10That's a funny word, isn't it?
24:13Hallway.
24:17You want to hear something really funny?
24:19I'm bulldoggling.
24:23Bulldoggling.
24:24Bulldoggling.
24:28Oh, see, now you're starting to get tired. I should go.
24:37Kate.
24:39Kate, before you go to sleep, there's just one last funny thing I want to tell you.
24:45Okay.
24:50I put the lizard in the box.
24:52Okay.
25:07Oh, God.
25:10It's alive.
25:14What?
25:16It was meant for Bulldog. It was all an accident. I never intended to...
25:22Kate.
25:26Kate?
25:31Kate?
25:37No!
25:44Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin', tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:51Mercy.
25:53And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:56Well, maybe.
25:57But I got you picked.
26:02But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:09They're callin' again.
26:12Frasier has left the building.