Frasier Season 5 Episode 18 Bad Dog
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00:00What's going on, anyway? My God, I've got an appointment in 20 minutes.
00:05Some weenie made a big stink, so they've got to clean the milk steamer every time they use it.
00:09Oh.
00:10It was you, wasn't it?
00:12Well, if requesting basic sanitary procedures makes me a weenie, then a weenie be I.
00:18Hi, guys.
00:19Hey, Roz.
00:20Oh, God, Frasier, what stupid suggestion did you make this time?
00:26Nice to see you too, Roz.
00:28Sorry, I just spent two hours trying on jumbo formal wear for the Seedy Awards.
00:36The best part was when the size two sales girl said I could use this again after my pregnancy.
00:44Well, perhaps you could.
00:46Cut off the bow, remove the sleeves, and, uh...
00:50Stick a pole in it and go camping.
00:53You know, if I'm going to stick a pole someplace...
00:56Children!
00:59Coffee to go.
01:00Right.
01:01I, for one, am looking forward to the Seedy's.
01:03Why? You're not going to win.
01:05They never give it to the emcee.
01:07Now, me? I'm a lock.
01:09Oh, you're awfully cocky.
01:12Hey, if knowing I'm the best thing on the air makes me cocky, then cocky be I.
01:17See? You're not the only one who can talk classy.
01:20How is that talking like Lassie?
01:23Let's move on, shall we?
01:27Roz, that man, he's got a gun.
01:31He's got a gun!
01:38Roz, are you all right?
01:39Yeah.
01:41Bulldog, I can't believe you did that.
01:45You saved me.
01:47I just did what anyone would have done.
01:50You were so brave.
01:52You're a hero.
01:54Hey, close enough.
02:04Excuse me, will you hold that, please?
02:08Ah, Mr. Frazer, I was just on my way up to see you.
02:12Now, is one of you determined about your success with impulse purchases?
02:19Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.
02:22My suggestion exactly.
02:26Oh, fine, fine.
02:28Frazer, ask me if I have news.
02:30Actually, I've got some news of my own in the cafe today.
02:34Oh, for God's sake.
02:35Niles, do you have news?
02:36Indeed I do.
02:37First of all, congratulations on your C.B. nomination.
02:41Now congratulate me on mine.
02:43What are you talking about?
02:45If you'd bothered to look past your own name on the first page,
02:48you would have found mine right after it on page...
02:5515.
02:59Best performance by a guest on an information show.
03:02Yes, it's for that spot I did on KJSB
03:05when I discussed the psychological effects of long-term inclement weather.
03:09Ah, yes, yes, yes.
03:1130 minutes of cycle babble all reducible to one phrase.
03:15Rain, rain, go away.
03:19I'm hardly surprised you feel the need to belittle my nomination.
03:22In your mind, you're the success, the famous one.
03:25I'm just invisible.
03:26That's not the way the rest of the world sees you.
03:31Oh, Frazer, boy, am I glad to see you.
03:34Oh, thank God.
03:35Dr. Crane, for goodness, you're home.
03:38I'm also here.
03:42We heard what happened at the cafe.
03:44Yes, Niles, as I've tried to tell you,
03:46there was an attempted armed robbery today at the cafe.
03:49Good heavens. Was anyone hurt?
03:51No, no, no, thank goodness. It all diffused rather quickly.
03:54Tempest in a teapot, really. Thank you.
03:56That's a relief.
03:58On a more pleasant topic, this afternoon I found out...
04:01Oh, Niles, hold it a second.
04:03How did you two hear about it?
04:04On the news.
04:05Boy, Bulldark really saved the day.
04:09They said that on the news?
04:11Oh, yeah, how he swept Raz out of the way
04:14and then threw his hot coffee on the gunman.
04:17That's not how it happened at all.
04:20Why would he say such a thing?
04:22Well, it was drizzling today,
04:24and people act strangely when it rains,
04:26as I pointed out in my C.B. nomination.
04:28Shut up, Niles.
04:30Well, then, what did happen?
04:33Well, we were all standing at the counter
04:35when I noticed a man with a gun.
04:38I warned Raz.
04:41Bulldark saw a different man reaching for his wallet
04:43and thought he was the gunman.
04:45That's when he grabbed Raz and held her in front of him
04:48as a human shield.
04:51But as he did that,
04:52he accidentally knocked his coffee onto the actual gunman,
04:56burning his hand,
04:58causing him to drop his weapon and run out.
05:02And no one else saw that happen?
05:04Well, apparently not.
05:05Well, I can't believe Bulldark could use Raz like that.
05:08Why didn't you say anything?
05:10Well, I was just so relieved everyone was all right at first.
05:14I suppose it did irk me when everyone was praising him.
05:16The owner of the cafe promised him
05:18a lifetime supply of muffins, but...
05:22Hell, I never thought it would go this far.
05:24Never thought I'd hear it on the news.
05:27I wonder how much that will be,
05:29a lifetime supply of muffins.
05:32I'm certainly not going to let Bulldark get away with this.
05:34Don't think I've ever seen Bulldark eat a muffin.
05:37A lifetime supply would be wasted on him.
05:40But tell him I saw exactly what happened.
05:42Now me, I could eat a muffin a day.
05:45Some days even two, knowing they'd be free.
05:49So that's maybe ten a week,
05:5152 weeks a year for at least another...
05:5440 years, which works out to...
06:0120,000 muffins.
06:04My life suddenly seems long measured in muffins.
06:09Oh, Daphne.
06:12There are a lot of things that can make life suddenly seem long.
06:22Well, that's all the time we have for today.
06:24Good afternoon, Seattle.
06:26And good mental health.
06:30Ron, did you see Bulldark come in?
06:31No, I haven't. I've been looking for him myself.
06:33No, stop that. They're for him.
06:36Do you really think that he had anything to do with...
06:38There he is.
06:44Now be real, Worship.
06:46I take my pants off one leg at a time, just like everybody else.
06:50You can vouch for that, can't you, Murda?
06:54Hey, Bulldog, I made these cookies for you.
06:56Oh, wow. I already had a bunch of muffins, but...
06:59there's always room for a cookie.
07:02Where's my milk?
07:03Oh, coming right up.
07:07Hello, Bulldog.
07:08Hey, Doc.
07:10This hero stuff is the best.
07:12Hey, last night...
07:14Sisters.
07:15At one point, I was a hero sandwich.
07:20Hey, did you get it?
07:21They were the bread, and I was...
07:23Yes, I got it.
07:26Just drop it. I saw what you did yesterday.
07:30Hey, I saved your butt.
07:32Save my butt, my ass.
07:35You pulled Ross in front of you to protect yourself.
07:37Everything else that happened was simply by accident.
07:39That stinks!
07:41That's total BS!
07:43I'm a hero!
07:45I'm a brave, brave man!
07:49Oh, jeez, you're not gonna tell, are you?
07:52Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
07:55You like muffins?
07:59You know what? I was determined to expose you,
08:01but it suddenly occurs to me I don't have to.
08:03You'll do it yourself.
08:05And do you know why?
08:07Because a guilty conscience needs no accuser.
08:10That means you won't tell?
08:14Once again...
08:16I don't have to...
08:18because a guilty conscience sleeps in thunder!
08:24It means I won't tell.
08:2620 seconds, Bulldog.
08:28Actually, I'm fascinated as a psychiatrist
08:31to watch this little experiment.
08:33I know that deep down you feel bad about what you've done,
08:37and you'll feel worse every time you capitalize on it.
08:40How long before your conscience finally overwhelms you?
08:43You're on.
08:45Hey, sports fans, this is Bob Bulldog Briscoe.
08:47You're in the doghouse.
08:49Let's go to the phones.
08:51Hey, everybody, this is Roz Doyle,
08:54and I have some very exciting news.
08:56Each year at the Seavey Awards,
08:59one radio personality receives
09:01the Harold Hirschhauer Man of the Year Award.
09:05And this year, our winner is our very own Bulldog Briscoe,
09:09who was chosen for his heroism!
09:12Congratulations, Bulldog.
09:14Well, what do you say to that, hero?
09:17Wow, this is incredible.
09:21I really feel honored, but I got to clear something up.
09:27Yesterday at the cafe,
09:30this young lady kept coming up to me and saying,
09:33You're my hero.
09:35How can I ever thank you?
09:37Well, I got a confession to make.
09:43I lost your number, but if you call in, baby,
09:46I got an answer for you.
09:50Oh!
09:58Okay, I'm ready. Go ahead, Daphne.
10:03And the Seavey goes to...
10:10Dr. Niles Crane!
10:21Oh, congratulations!
10:24You know, actually, to be accurate,
10:26it's traditional for the presenter to kiss and embrace the winner.
10:29But won't your brother be the presenter?
10:31Well, we can't know that for certain.
10:33Oh, all right, then.
10:38Hello, Dr. Crane!
10:40We're just practicing for Saturday night.
10:42Best case scenario.
10:44Obviously.
10:50Hey, Daph, your pie's done.
10:52Oh, thanks. Will you be joining us for coffee and dessert?
10:55Oh, no, thank you, Daphne.
10:57Not very hungry.
10:58Where have you been?
11:00Oh, out driving around, thinking.
11:03Can't seem to get this bulldog thing off of my mind.
11:06Well, don't worry about it.
11:08We all get obsessed sometimes.
11:10The important thing is to drop it
11:12before you start yakking on and on about it
11:14to someone who doesn't give a rat's ass.
11:21Now, your roundabout way of saying you don't want to discuss it?
11:25You want to take the direct route?
11:30Why do you care so much about bulldogs?
11:32Oh, it's not really bulldogs so much.
11:35It's just that I believe
11:37that conscience, more than customs and laws,
11:40is what prevents people from doing wrong.
11:43To contemplate the idea of an otherwise sane man with no conscience?
11:47Well, it just shakes my entire world view.
11:50In my family, we certainly knew the meaning of conscience.
11:53That's what my dad called his wooden paddle.
11:56Oh, how awful for you.
11:58Oh, for me brothers, yes,
12:00but I knew he'd never use it on me,
12:02as long as I was always good,
12:04as long as I was always polite,
12:07as long as I always had a smile on me face,
12:10no matter how I felt inside,
12:12as long as I was always ready to wait on all the bulldogs
12:15as long as I was always ready to wait on all the men,
12:18hand and foot, day and night, year in, year out.
12:24More coffee, anyone?
12:26No, no, no, no, no, no.
12:28Just have a seat.
12:32You've been blowing this thing out of proportion.
12:34I just can't understand how a bulldog can accept all those accolades
12:37and not be tormented by it.
12:39Well, maybe he is.
12:40Yes, for all you know, he's at home right now,
12:43or unable to sleep.
12:46Well, that's a comforting thought.
12:50But we'll never know for sure now, will we?
12:54Oh, enough about this. You know, I...
12:56I think I'm off to bed.
12:58Good night, all.
12:59Good night, sir.
13:01You know, I'm really proud of Frasier.
13:03Used to be he'd get a bee in his bonnet and he'd never get it out.
13:06Yes, I thought we'd be hearing about this one for weeks.
13:09Well, the old Frasier would have been up with this all night.
13:11Yeah, exactly.
13:13Wouldn't have been able to sleep till he went over to Bulldog's
13:15to make sure he wasn't sleeping.
13:19I should have told him to pick up some more milk.
13:22What are you doing here?
13:44I want to talk to you.
13:46No, this isn't a good time.
13:48I got company.
13:50You have done something horrible and selfish,
13:52and I need to know that you feel bad about it.
13:54What, you've been looking through the keyhole?
13:58Talking about what happened with Roz.
14:00Oh, not this again.
14:02Bulldog, I'm lonely.
14:05Talk to your sister for a sec. I'll be right there.
14:09Man, I gotta go. See you, Mignon.
14:11Bulldog! Bulldog!
14:16Will you stop that?
14:17I am not leaving until I know that you feel some remorse for what you've done.
14:20Wow, this is really bugging you, isn't it?
14:22Yes!
14:24Okay, alright, alright.
14:26The truth...
14:28The truth is I feel bad.
14:31I feel real bad.
14:34You feel nothing!
14:38I'm sorry, Doc! These little things just don't get to me!
14:42The little thing in question is using a pregnant woman as a human shield!
14:47Have you no conscience?
14:49Well, maybe I don't.
14:51I refuse to believe that.
14:53Well, maybe it's something I was born without.
14:55Like, oh, like my cousin.
14:57He was born without a big toe on each foot.
14:59I used to sneak up on him, tip him over.
15:04I didn't feel bad about that either.
15:06See you, Doc.
15:07No! No! No, you don't.
15:09I know you've got a conscience.
15:10It must be buried deep down inside there.
15:12And we'll find a way to get it out of you!
15:14Yeah, you do that, Doc.
15:15Look, you mocked my words. I don't know how yet.
15:18But come Saturday night you will be so consumed with guilt
15:21you will not be able to accept that Man of the Year Award.
15:34Daphne!
15:37Oh, you're gorgeous.
15:42Dad.
15:43Not bad either.
15:44Thanks.
15:45Well, I guess any guy looks good in a monkey suit.
15:48On the drive over I started musing about why they call it a monkey suit.
15:52And quite a few theories on that one.
15:54Yes, you sure did.
15:56Can I get a ride home with you?
15:58Of course.
16:02Oh, Roz.
16:04Is everything all right?
16:05Yeah, I'm fine.
16:06It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
16:10No nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
16:13No, I look like divine.
16:18I gotta go sit down.
16:24Oh, my God.
16:25Look at the way the lights are shining on the sequence on this dress.
16:29I'm a disco ball.
16:35Well, certainly promises to be quite a night.
16:38Yeah.
16:39You know, I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourself.
16:42I wasn't sure that you would, what with Puldong getting that award and everything.
16:45Well, Dad, I wouldn't be surprised if Puldong actually declines that award.
16:50Why would he?
16:51Well, I've arranged a few surprises to prick his conscience
16:55until, like Hamlet's stepfather,
16:57he totters from the banquet, ghostly pale and gibbering with guilt.
17:03Can I get a ride home with you?
17:11Hello, all.
17:13Daphne, you look stunning.
17:16Thanks. You look very smart.
17:20Of course, I guess it's hard not to look elegant in evening wear.
17:24Oh.
17:29Hard but not impossible.
17:31No.
17:33Well, shall we take our seats?
17:35Yes, although if Dame Rumour is correct, I won't be sitting long.
17:40Now, are we all at table 105?
17:43We're at table four.
17:46Excuse me.
17:48Where's this table?
17:50105.
17:51That's the technical awards.
17:53Just go down to the basement, cross through the kitchen to the hall
17:57and ask for the Napoleon Room.
17:59Oh, well, Napoleon Room. That sounds charming.
18:02We call it that because the ceilings are so low.
18:09Shame.
18:10Now you won't get to see your brother Host
18:12or hear all the little jokes he's written.
18:18Thank you, Daphne. I needed some cheering up.
18:24Oh, Bulldog.
18:25Ah, jeez. Let's go this way.
18:27No, no, no, no. There's no need to avoid me, Bulldog.
18:30I have no intention of ruining your evening.
18:32In fact, I've gone to great lengths to make it memorable.
18:35Hey, you've been sleeping okay, Doc? You look a little tired.
18:37Oh, don't you worry about me.
18:40I'll sleep fine tonight.
18:42Sleep of the just.
18:44Me too.
18:46The sleep of the just boint.
18:48And the nominees are...
18:50Consumer Forum.
18:52Wendy Oshiro Talent, Mike Friedman, producer.
18:58The Dr. Frazer Crane Show.
19:00Dr. Frazer Crane Talent, Roz Doyle, producer.
19:07And Bob and Nipsey's Morning Laugh Factory.
19:11Bob and Nipsey Talent, Lunatic Laugh Factory.
19:15Bob and Nipsey Talent, Lunatic Larry, producer.
19:26And the Seabee goes to...
19:34Bob and Nipsey's Morning Laugh Factory.
19:39Apparently Bob and Nipsey couldn't make it tonight, so...
19:42I accept this award on their behalf.
19:46That brings us to our final category.
19:50But rather than compete with the coffee service,
19:52let's take a short break and we'll be right back with...
19:56The Man of the Year Award.
20:04Sorry you didn't win.
20:06Oh, God, that's all right, Dad. I'm only concerned with one award tonight.
20:09That's the next one.
20:11Hey, Dr. Crane, how did it go?
20:14I lost.
20:16Sorry you didn't win.
20:19God, I've been saying that a lot tonight.
20:22Oh, look, wine.
20:24They didn't serve alcohol at the technical awards,
20:27as I informed so many of the guests who mistook me for their waiter.
20:34You see, I was the only nominee dressed in black tie,
20:38except for the one man in front wearing a tuxedo T-shirt.
20:43I'm sorry, Nile.
20:45At least I didn't come home empty-handed.
20:48We each received one of these handsome certificates,
20:50which were given out after we folded our tables and stacked our chairs.
21:00Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.
21:02Now the time has come to present...
21:05the Harold Hirschhauer Man of the Year Award.
21:09Thank you, Susan.
21:11As you all know,
21:13this award is presented every year
21:15to the radio personality
21:18that brings honor to our medium.
21:22This year, that person...
21:25is Bob Bulldog Briscoe.
21:27Come on up here for the award.
21:35Ah, what a day!
21:37Well, Bob, the night is just beginning for you.
21:41Could we please lower the house lights?
21:46What's going on?
21:48Just a few surprise guests
21:50that I've invited to help you celebrate this evening.
21:53People from your past
21:55that helped make you the man that you are today.
22:00Do you recognize this voice?
22:04Bobby Briscoe.
22:06You've made us all proud.
22:09Oh, my gosh, is that...?
22:11Yes, it's Father O'Rourke,
22:13your boyhood priest and childhood confessor.
22:22And who's there next to him?
22:24Bobby Briscoe, sit down in your chair.
22:28That's right.
22:30It's Mrs. McCloud, your second-grade teacher,
22:32the woman who taught you that honesty is the best policy.
22:40And who's there next to her?
22:42Drop and give me 50, Bulldog.
22:44Oh, my gosh, Coach Nugent!
22:47It's Coach Nugent from your peewee football days,
22:51the man who told you that it doesn't matter
22:53whether you win or lose, but that you play the game fair.
22:57You're wasting your time.
22:58And who's there next to him?
23:00Yes, it's the president of your fan club,
23:05little Joey Katona,
23:07whose only dream is to grow up and be just like you.
23:16But we're not through yet.
23:19Could we please bring the house lights up again?
23:26We've saved the best for last.
23:29It's the woman that gave everything to you.
23:33Well, you'll have to narrow that one down.
23:39The night would not be complete
23:43without the woman who taught you right from wrong.
23:49It's your mother, Bernice Briscoe!
23:54Mama!
23:56I am so proud of you, Bobby!
23:59Oh, Mama!
24:01And let's turn the microphone over to our guest of honor this evening.
24:06I'm sure we're all anxious to hear what the hero has to say.
24:16I'm really blown away by all this.
24:20I didn't think I'd be accepting this in front of all you guys.
24:25I wrote up this little speech.
24:30I can't say this stuff now.
24:35But I gotta say it's simple.
24:40This is totally awesome! Thank you, everybody!
24:49Thank you!
24:55This can't be happening!
24:57Let it go.
24:58I can't do it.
25:00The man is a coward and he's being rewarded.
25:03I guess I'm never gonna hear the end of this now, am I?
25:05No! I'm sorry, Dad, but I won't.
25:07All right, just a minute.
25:08Hey, Bulldog!
25:09This guy there with the gun!
25:10There's a gun!
25:14Sorry, my mistake.
25:16He used his own mother to protect himself.
25:19Ew!
25:20Is that what you did to me?
25:22No, I just... I... No! No!
25:24What is the matter with you?
25:28You don't deserve that award!
25:30No, I don't!
25:31Oh, thanks, Dad.
25:32I'm no hero. I just wanted you to shut up.
25:35That's enough.
25:44Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:46Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:50Mercy
25:52And maybe I seem a bit confused
25:55Yeah, maybe, but I got your pegs
25:58Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
26:01But I don't know what to do
26:03With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:09They're calling again
26:13Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:16What is it more to do?
26:21Goodnight, everybody!