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  • 01/12/2023
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CBW is BACK for a brand-new one-shot, this time set in the 50% rooting 50% tooting world of the Old West. Feral cows, men with no name and a love that transcends time and space.

Yee haw.

To help choose the next One-Shoot, head over to Patreon.com/partsFUNknown RIGHT NOW to cast your vote!

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Transcript
00:00:00 Hello I'm Adam, hailing from partsFUNknown and this is our second No Rolls Barred One
00:00:05 Shot. If you'd like to help us choose the next one then I'll tell you how to do that
00:00:09 after the video but without further ado let me drop you into Colorado Bookshot Wrestling.
00:00:15 Take it away Tom.
00:00:16 Hello and welcome back to CBW where the big boys are cowboys. I'm Tom, head of wrangling
00:00:25 here at CBW and these are our players. Well howdy there pilgrim, I'm Laurie Blake and
00:00:32 I'm playing Deuce Tex Mackina who is the young one. I'm Lou Cohen in real life but you can
00:00:40 call me Mad Dog McCree and I'm the hardcore player. Well hi my name's Lolo Brown in real
00:00:48 life but here you can call me Annie Earwig and I am the iconic player. Hello I'm Adam,
00:00:56 I'm playing Boy Cow and I'm the monster. Well howdy there partner, I'm Ollie Davis with
00:01:04 a wandering accent that will not be maintained throughout this recording and I'm playing
00:01:10 the man with no name that isn't actually his name he's just he hasn't got a name and he's
00:01:19 too mysterious to disclose his character profile right now. Right and on that note let's do
00:01:27 a fight. There are many ways to carve your name on the landscape of the old west and
00:01:34 many venture out across the plains and mountains to make their mark in the annals of the world.
00:01:40 Some stand for law and order, some crave crime and chaos, some tread the trail between these
00:01:51 grand ideals. Most folk though, most folk are just trying to get by, driving steer through
00:02:00 wind rain and weather, eking out a living from the unforgiven soil, gambling on the
00:02:06 chance of gold in them the hills all under the awesome shadow of great Goliaths of good
00:02:14 and evil. But now as the century turns the sun begins to set on the wild wild west and
00:02:24 rise on civilization on society and so the shadows cast by these mountains of myth grow
00:02:37 smaller and perhaps we grow a little smaller with them. But something is stirring in the
00:02:46 booming cattle town of Garapola's Gulch. There is a place where legends still loom large
00:02:53 in the lives of those who labor among the livestock, a place where towering titans of
00:02:58 the immortal west write new tussling tales that transcend time itself. Welcome to CBW.
00:03:08 Welcome to Colorado Buckshot Wrestling.
00:03:19 We find ourselves in a lively saloon in the center of Garapola's Gulch, a large, slightly
00:03:26 ornate, slightly rough and tumble wooden building full of rowdy happy clientele drinking beer,
00:03:33 downing whiskey and watching mayhem unfold around them. In the center of this large room
00:03:39 is a makeshift ring, a crudely but firmly built wooden platform surrounded by wooden
00:03:47 posts and old bits of rope. The ring currently stands empty except for the twirly moustached
00:03:56 figure of Colorado Buckshot Wrestling's announcer and as he makes his way into the center of
00:04:04 the platform, an uncharacteristic hush falls upon the rowdy populace of Garapola's Gulch.
00:04:10 Welcome everyone to the squared circle saloon and welcome to another night of Colorado Buckshot
00:04:19 Wrestling. Prepare yourselves as these rootin' tootin' wrestlers clash inside and outside
00:04:26 the ropes in the name of legacy, luck and legend.
00:04:33 The crowd whoops in joy, applauding and chanting the trademark initials of Colorado Buckshot
00:04:37 Wrestling. The whole saloon is filled with animation and energy and excitement. Only
00:04:50 one figure can be seen, slightly more restrained at this point. It is a broad shouldered man
00:04:56 in an immaculate suit with a pristine dark hat and a velvet waistcoat. There is the remnants
00:05:07 of real well-bred handsomeness behind his thick handlebar moustache and he watches the
00:05:13 events unfold from a comfortable chair on the upper balcony.
00:05:17 "Well, let's waste no more time!" the announcer cries and the lights in the squared circle
00:05:24 saloon start to dim as the bartenders and ring hands begin to turn down the gas lighting
00:05:29 and a hush and an artificial twilight falls over everything. There is a whir and a click
00:05:35 and a buzz as an old, or in this case, current slide projector whirs into life on the upper
00:05:40 balcony projecting an image onto the wall above the ring and an audible crackle and
00:05:48 pop is heard as a phonograph begins to turn on.
00:05:52 Adam, please can you tell us what we see on the screen?
00:05:57 So on the screen you see, first of all, just some writing in white, old-timey font against
00:06:06 a black background. It says, "Grappler's Gulch. Do you know where your cows are?"
00:06:17 Then there's a shot of a kind of, it's an artist's rendering of what looks to be a huge,
00:06:24 kind of almost minotaur of a man with kind of human legs, but as it builds up the muscles
00:06:30 become kind of hairy until you see with horns on the top a great bull ring out of his nose,
00:06:37 this kind of horrible bull man figure, this kind of painting. And then it cuts to the
00:06:43 next slide which says, "If you're not careful, they may fall into the clutches of the Moogy
00:06:51 Man."
00:06:57 We see another painting, this time of a little boy sat alone, surrounded by cacti and then
00:07:05 some cattle.
00:07:06 "Abandoned as a boy in the wilderness, raised by feral cattle, this bovine revolutionary
00:07:16 now uses cows as an army to wage war on mankind."
00:07:22 We see a shot of a desolate town. Buildings have been gutted. There are bodies lying in
00:07:30 the streets. You see smoke rising from burnt-out shacks.
00:07:35 "Look at these once prosperous cattle towns. Tanners rise, beavers folly. Horn Town, USA.
00:07:45 All ghost towns. Cowboys lying mutilated in the streets. Cows abandon their ranches to
00:07:53 join the Moogy Man's ever-growing moo-saving."
00:07:58 Another shot of this kind of horrible cow-man hybrid riding on top of a gigantic cow.
00:08:05 "This beast roams the plains with his elite band of moo-tenants."
00:08:10 Suddenly four incredibly savage-looking cows flash up on screen.
00:08:15 "His cowling commandos. His fillet team. Sirloin the leader. Flank the tactician. Chateaubriand
00:08:28 the money. And Rump the muscle."
00:08:34 Suddenly a picture of Mayor Cash flashes up on the screen. Mayor Cash, an impressive-looking
00:08:40 man.
00:08:41 "Mayor Cash needs every man, woman, and especially children of Grappler's Gulch to take up their
00:08:49 rifles and be ready to defend their cattle from these bovine belligerents. Grappler's
00:08:55 Gulch, we're a cattle town, and by our God, we're going to keep it that way."
00:09:04 And film comes to a finish. There's the click as the projector shuts off power. Another
00:09:13 crackle and pop as the phonograph reaches the end of its track. There is a brief moment
00:09:18 where the whole square of the saloon is in darkness until the bartenders begin to turn
00:09:24 up the gas lighting again and the ring is illuminated empty, except for the small wooden
00:09:31 ramp that leads up into the back of the saloon where the squared circles, storage areas,
00:09:36 and barns are. Adam, please tell us what now emerges from that ramp.
00:09:44 So a hush falls over the saloon as a man, very clearly an incredibly well-built man,
00:09:55 but a man nonetheless steps forward. He wears a loincloth around his nether regions. He's
00:10:01 covered in thick, almost bison-like hair. He has painted his body with blue and black
00:10:10 splotches to resemble a cow. His head is covered by a raggedy bit of blackened leather to hide
00:10:20 the fact that he doesn't have horns. And he wears a solid steel bullring in his nose.
00:10:28 When he breathes out, hot steam emerges from his lungs and he surveys the crowd of men
00:10:37 and he enters into the ring. We see, standing next to every post on the outside, around
00:10:47 the ring, is a different cow. We have his fillet team, the cowling commandos, who accompany
00:10:53 him to every match. He stands in the ring and he gestures for a microphone. Do they
00:11:02 exist?
00:11:03 There are no microphones. I think something else we also notice at this point is that
00:11:08 standing on the upper balconies, keeping a very, very close eye on the boy cow, seemingly
00:11:16 unaware of the other, I presume, well-disguised cowling commandos hidden around the ring,
00:11:22 some well-turned-out, nasty-looking men with rifles over their shoulders. There is no microphone,
00:11:29 but you are simply welcome to yell.
00:11:33 People of Grappler's Gulch, if you thought I would give up my beef with y'all, if you
00:11:41 thought I would be seen but not heard, then y'all have seriously miscalculated. I am going
00:11:55 to beat every single one of your champions and so I will inspire the enslaved prisoners
00:12:03 you keep in this town, my beautiful bovine brothers and sisters, to rise up, throw off
00:12:11 their shackles, and join my ever-growing army. For you see, the era of mankind is over and
00:12:20 it's time for the earth to usher in a new age of moo-manity. You see, for every cow
00:12:27 in Grappler's Gulch, it's a moo day. Yes, it is.
00:12:35 Ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Mookie Man is a legend no more. He wrestles for Colorado
00:12:44 Buckshot now. Who among you, who among you here has the strength and the grit and the
00:12:52 toughness to take down a son of a bitch as mean, lean, and horny as the legendary boy
00:13:01 cow?
00:13:05 You hear the sound of a glass being smashed against the floor. As up stands from his seat,
00:13:14 Mad Dog McCree, surrounded by his group of men. They don't need no names, because the
00:13:23 name Mad Dog McCree carries enough fear as it is. He walks towards the squared circle,
00:13:34 sits there, and he looks at this boy cow in the ring. "I don't know much what you are,
00:13:42 boy, but I'm gonna tell you something. I'm about to fuck your day up." And he's surrounded
00:13:52 by his men. No-teeth Terry, who has no teeth. No-ears Earl, who has no ears. No-nose Noel,
00:14:03 who has no nose. No-arms Andy, who has no arms. And Just-Fine Justin, who's just fine.
00:14:13 And Mad Dog steps into the ring. "You're looking for a fight? I think I've done bad except
00:14:22 that fight."
00:14:25 "Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a wrestling match." There is a heavy ding, ding,
00:14:34 ding, ding, ding of a massive brass bell that hangs over the stage, and then the announcer
00:14:39 literally leaps over the rope to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. Who's making
00:14:44 the first move?
00:14:45 "Mad Dog McCree. I walk up to Mad Dog and I say, 'Knock, knock.' "Who be there?" "Interrupting
00:15:00 cow." "Interrupting cow." "I smash him in the face."
00:15:08 So I want a contested power roll from you and a work roll from Mad Dog, please.
00:15:13 Oh, my power is plus one.
00:15:16 My work is minus one. Oh, but it's good. It's ten.
00:15:20 Nine.
00:15:21 Oh, your massive meaty cow fist lunges straight in the direction of Mad Dog McCree, but you
00:15:26 are big and heavy and slow, and he is just a little too fast and wily for you. You didn't
00:15:31 get this far in the Old West by not being able to avoid a few punches from a few giant
00:15:36 cows. And whiffs past his ear. Mad Dog, what are you doing?
00:15:40 I signal to No-Nose Noel. He knows what to do. And he passes me a chair from the audience,
00:15:48 and I swing that sumbitch right into this dumb cow's dumb face.
00:15:52 Well, you're using a weapon, so that is a real roll.
00:15:56 And it is a seven.
00:16:00 Seven. Just about. Attempting, I guess, to do a similar kind of Old Westy Matrix-esque
00:16:07 dodge to get out of the way of the chair. Boy Cow tries to move. You try to move your
00:16:11 bulk out of the way, but you're too big, you're too slow, there's too much of you, and this
00:16:14 chair smashes across the side of your face, knocking your ring sideways.
00:16:18 Mad Dog, how are you going to follow up?
00:16:21 Oh, man, I'm in the mood. I'm in the mood to chew some goddamn cow. And I just start
00:16:28 hitting him again with the legs of the chairs that are left. I just start throwing them
00:16:33 at the cowboy, or the boy cow, rather.
00:16:36 You can make another real roll for that, to throw those chair legs.
00:16:39 Oh! It's a natty 12!
00:16:42 Oh, no!
00:16:44 Okay, so, yeah, one of those chair legs rockets straight in the direction of Boy Cow. It goes
00:16:52 straight through the center of his nose ring, lifts it up, and rips it painfully out of
00:16:58 Boy Cow's nose on a natural 12. With that nose ring out of the way for the rest of this
00:17:04 match, you have a minus one penalty on your look score.
00:17:08 I'm less of a cow now than I ever was.
00:17:10 On a natural 12. But we are going to let you respond to that in dignity.
00:17:17 You trying to tenderize my meat? I'll show you!
00:17:22 And I put my fingers to my mouth, and I emit a very high piercing whistle, which signals
00:17:31 the fillet team. It's time for high stakes. Each cow is going to climb to the top rope
00:17:38 and launch themselves one by one on top of Mad Dog McCree.
00:17:43 Like Tower of Cows, basically.
00:17:44 Yes.
00:17:45 For all you Hey Arthur fans out there. Okay, so, can you tell me in what order the cows
00:17:50 land on top of Mad Dog? First, make your roll for it. That's a cow roll. That's using your
00:17:54 cow gimmick. That's a look roll. See how it goes.
00:17:56 Zero then. All right, so that is...
00:18:01 This is the complete opposite of last game. It is all critical 12s. So I want to hear
00:18:08 exactly what happens, and I want to hear the order the cows land.
00:18:11 Sirloin, obviously, the leader, springs to the top rope, moos with a loud, proud, bovine
00:18:22 moo and throws himself in the air. Legs akimbo, and just lands smack on Mad Dog McCree. Next
00:18:33 up is Chateaubriand, who finishes off a fine porter, throws a glass over his shoulder,
00:18:41 sniffs the air, blows a kiss, and somersaults on top of Sirloin, on top of Mad Dog McCree.
00:18:48 Then comes Flank, the tactician, who perfectly calculates the arc of his flight, does a triple
00:18:56 somersault, lands on the ever-growing pile, then finally, Rump, the muscle, gives each
00:19:02 of his arms a kiss, and then just huge splash. He calls it the ground beef. He just jumps
00:19:14 high into the air and lands on this huge cow pile, whatever, but right on top of poor Mad
00:19:25 Dog McCree.
00:19:26 - Terrific. So on that natural 12, we're going to have to penalty you somewhat here. You
00:19:30 are currently stuck under a mound of cows with a minus one penalty to your power for
00:19:35 the rest of the match, or the very least, until you get these gosh darn cows off yourself.
00:19:40 You are currently trapped under cows. Is there anything you're going to do to respond?
00:19:44 - Boys! Boys, get these god damn cows off me! Do something, you yellow-bellied sons
00:19:49 of bitches!
00:19:50 - I'm signaled for my crew to start to pull these cows off.
00:19:54 - Okay, so roll on look for me, please, for your crew.
00:19:59 - Look, zero. I'll go with the...
00:20:03 - Oh!
00:20:04 - Shut up!
00:20:05 - That is...
00:20:06 - Oh, no!
00:20:07 - Oh, no!
00:20:08 - Oh, no!
00:20:09 - That is...
00:20:10 - Oh, no way!
00:20:11 - What?
00:20:12 - What?
00:20:13 - Luke, please tell us in as much glorious detail as you like how you are rescued. Oh,
00:20:20 bloody fucking hell, that's amazing how you're rescued by your gang.
00:20:24 - I'm in their finishes.
00:20:26 - No Teeth Terry dives in and starts gnawing away and scratching at Sir... what was it
00:20:32 again? Sir... Sirloin. And starts scaring away at him, bundling him off. No Ears Earl
00:20:39 just starts grabbing at Rump to throw him off as well. No Nose Noel dives in, punches
00:20:45 the ever-loving cow shit out of one of them. No Arms Andy just starts kicking the ever-loving
00:20:51 cow shit out of another one. And Just Fine Justin is there to kind of pull me out of
00:20:56 this and lift me back up onto my feet and gives me a glass of beer, or a glass of whiskey
00:21:04 rather, which he throws down the back of his throat and then smashes the glass in Justin's
00:21:08 face and tells him to get out of the ring. I'm going to fight to finish here.
00:21:14 - Okay, so on that third consecutive critical success, we will cancel out your power penalty.
00:21:20 You are no longer covered in cows, why should you have a power penalty? And the two of you
00:21:25 are now in the ring with members of your gang there, like members of the cowling commandos
00:21:32 there. Yeah, right now you're both just squaring off. What are you doing? What are you both
00:21:36 trying to do?
00:21:37 - I...
00:21:38 - Tell me what you're both going to try and do and then we'll resolve it with a contested
00:21:44 roll probably.
00:21:45 - I'm looking to stick my two fingers, which have got shards of glass on them obviously
00:21:51 from the smashing the glass, up boy cow's nose to try and perform my finishing move,
00:21:56 the gunslinger, where I'm just going to sling him around the ring in an attempt to try and
00:22:01 rip his nose off. Which is funny enough, is how No Nose Noel lost his nose.
00:22:06 - That is funny.
00:22:08 - You're a bad boss. You're a bad boss.
00:22:10 - Oh, but they love it. They respect me.
00:22:13 - I can see that everything's breaking down, so I'm going to up the ante. He wants to bring
00:22:18 his gang, I'm going to bring in my gang.
00:22:23 - Okay, so this is a contested roll first. You say you're going for your finisher here,
00:22:28 Luke?
00:22:29 - That is correct there, sir.
00:22:30 - So that is just a straight 2d6 roll on your part.
00:22:33 - I've spunked on my critical successes. Oh no, it's unfortunately a 6.
00:22:40 - Oh, and Adam, that is going to be a, sorry, boy cow. That is going to be a, I think I
00:22:46 know what you're trying to do. That's going to be a look roll.
00:22:48 - Okay, so that's plus zero. That is an 8.
00:22:52 - Dang it.
00:22:53 - That'll do it.
00:22:55 - I take my bull ring. I reaffix it into my nose. I take from underneath my loincloth
00:23:04 a cow horn. I put it to my lips, but just before I do, I look at everyone surrounding
00:23:12 the ring and I say, "Prepare the cattle field for slaughter." And I blow. Tom, do you want
00:23:24 to take it from here?
00:23:26 - I would be happy to. Okay. So as you stand there in the center of the ring, like some
00:23:30 kind of a giant of a Greco-Roman myth blowing this beautiful hole into the air, the sound
00:23:37 is so resonant and powerful. It forces a hush amongst the cheering crowd who are smashing
00:23:43 their own beer bottles against counters and punching each other in the face out of excitement
00:23:47 as this match just really hits the fan. But yes, a silence now once again fills the entire
00:23:55 Squared Circle Saloon. And for the briefest moment, absolutely nothing can be heard in
00:24:02 the town of Grappler's Gulch. And then vibration. People start to feel a rumbling beneath their
00:24:10 feet, almost imperceptible to begin with. This is the kind of place where a lot of things
00:24:15 happen that cause tables to shake and windows to rattle, but not like this. And as the rumbling
00:24:19 grows louder and louder and louder and the frames of the windows shake and the very walls
00:24:26 of the building start to vibrate and people start to look around, no longer excited by
00:24:33 the mayhem, but concerned, confused, even a little bit scared. And then all of a sudden
00:24:37 there is a single titanic, perfectly harmonic "Moooooo" of every single cow in the booming
00:24:48 cattle town of Grappler's Gulch as they stampede through the main window of the saloon and
00:24:54 flood the stage, carrying off some patrons, carrying off a few members of Mad Dog's gang
00:25:00 and raising their leader, their hero, the icon who gives them their purpose, high up
00:25:07 into the air, carrying him out the window, out into the streets of Grappler's Gulch and
00:25:13 out into the night as a swarm of bovine mayhem just consumes the Squared Circle Saloon. For
00:25:23 about three or four minutes, tables are destroyed, precious alcohol is broken and spilled, people
00:25:29 harmed in a way they were not expecting as opposed to the way they assumed they would
00:25:33 get bathered around tonight. But after a moment, and after... what is the last thing you say
00:25:41 before you are carried out of the saloon by your, or by every single cow in Grappler's
00:25:47 Gulch?
00:25:48 "You shall not, none of you, ever again have a cow, man!"
00:25:55 And with that, you have gone into the night and your herd follow you and all is silent
00:26:05 once again. There's a brief pause, the announcer looks very nervously, he looks up to a very
00:26:12 unhappy looking well-dressed man in a velvet waistcoat sitting on the upper balcony. And
00:26:18 then, dusting himself off, the announcer makes his way back into the ring, takes a beat to
00:26:23 watch the patrons settle, and "Well, well, all part of the program, I can very much assure
00:26:31 you folks, please get yourself another drink and well, it's time for the next round of
00:26:36 tonight's entertainment!"
00:26:37 Before you dig, can I just sort of like, whisper to him?
00:26:41 "That mean I won."
00:26:45 Sit down, Acree.
00:26:46 "Morning, boys. I won another fight there, boys! No one disrespect the name of Mad Dog
00:26:53 McCree. Undefeated."
00:26:55 Fantastic. Well, without further ado, making their way to the ring, hailing from the desert
00:27:12 wastes of Colorado, Auntie Earwig.
00:27:18 Silence amongst the air. There is this old woman, she is keeled over with a lovely black
00:27:26 thick raggedy cloth. The smell of garbage and mold fills the air. You see her face,
00:27:33 and somehow she's both oily and dry at the same time. Her fingernails are all yellow
00:27:39 and broken, and she's got, like, three teeth maximum. Her eyes are like, angry, but sad
00:27:47 and happy at the same time. She's a very confusing old woman. I know you can hear underneath,
00:27:52 there's this, like, scritchy scratching. Such lots of scritchy scratching, like a pitter
00:27:56 patter of thousands of little tiny greasy feet. And I don't know why this face is happening,
00:28:02 but I'm really fucking happy about it. All right. Oh, she went Australian. No, come back
00:28:07 round.
00:28:08 A little pitter patter of feet all around, and then you can hear the little scratching
00:28:18 of big things swinging on the wooden floor as she passes through. And as she throws off
00:28:23 her cloak, she is draped in these huge bullet belts that drape along the floor, like eight
00:28:29 long gangly legs that connect from her back. There are insects that crawl into her hair
00:28:35 and over her skin, and they are all so happy to be there. Before she crawls into the ring,
00:28:41 and I mean crawl, like a little bug, she takes a little cockroach out of her ear, whispers
00:28:49 a little sweet nothing to it, then bites its head off and swallows the body whole. She's
00:28:55 really great.
00:28:56 That was reliably disgusting, though.
00:28:59 I'm so happy I created a character that was fully disgusting rather than pretending to
00:29:05 be someone else. And then I just like scurry into the ring, like kind of up the post on
00:29:12 one side, along with the ring, and then down into the middle.
00:29:21 And on that bug shell, so Auntie Iwig now stands alone in all of her unsettling insectoidness
00:29:34 in the center of the ring. And then so the audience cast their eyes up the ramp back
00:29:39 to the large red velvet curtain, which wrestlers enter from at the start of a match. It is
00:29:46 currently wide open. You can see nothing at the moment but darkness and shadow behind.
00:29:52 There's no sign of your opponent, no sign of anybody.
00:30:00 And then in a single moment, moving faster than something its size could, a huge mass
00:30:09 of fur and claws and teeth and scars erupts out from behind the curtains, barrels down
00:30:15 the ramp. Can you please make a power roll for me right now?
00:30:19 Power roll is... oh shit, it's five.
00:30:26 A colossal, the size of a wagon, scarred grizzly bear just bounds down the ramp and full on
00:30:34 tackles you to the ground, pushing you against the mat with huge bare hands. It opens its
00:30:39 jaw really wide, snarls a bellowing bear roar in your face and a big thick blob of bear
00:30:46 drool drips under your chin. It licks teeth, which is still stained with blood. And you
00:30:53 can see bits of dried flesh and bone of its previous play. There is a really, there's
00:30:58 a single really nasty scar going down one of its eyes. Its left eye is completely whited
00:31:03 out. It gnashes the air in front of you, bellows again to exert its dominance to everyone in
00:31:08 the room around you and starts to move slowly but forcefully, its huge teeth towards your
00:31:13 neck. What are you doing?
00:31:14 So right, okay. Well, number one, I'm so fucking happy. I'm literally wrestling a fucking bear.
00:31:20 All right, well, okay, so it's going to go for my teeth. And what I do is, first of all,
00:31:28 I just let my little tongue drop out onto my chin where that bear drool was and I just
00:31:33 wrap it up, swallow it to the back of my neck. I mix it with my spit and I just enjoy that
00:31:40 fully gross bear smell. I miss it. It's been a long time. Now, as his teeth come towards
00:31:46 my neck, I just reach my scraggly nails that are broken and brittle and I scratch them
00:31:55 up his body aiming to scalp. It's not scalp because that's not a scalp, that's a stomach.
00:32:00 What would you call it if you're skinning someone's stomach? Skinning, that's what we
00:32:04 call it.
00:32:05 Skinning, yeah, skinning.
00:32:06 Yeah, there we go.
00:32:07 Gutting.
00:32:08 Gutting, yeah, disembowelment, whatever feels good. And I curl my nasty nails all the way
00:32:13 up his body trying to take off just chunks of flesh and fur.
00:32:17 Oh, okay. Well, it's been a while since I've said this, Lo, but it feels right. That's
00:32:23 going to be a roll on reel.
00:32:24 Yeah.
00:32:25 Eighth.
00:32:26 Eighth.
00:32:27 Eighth. That'll do it. Yeah, the nails on your fingers have somehow got harder and denser
00:32:38 and more dangerous with age and you scrape 10 equidistant nail marks up its big, hairy,
00:32:47 sinewy stomach. A little trickle of blood follows each individual line as Ollie grows
00:32:52 visually more uncomfortable with the whole thing.
00:32:56 So visual.
00:32:57 I get a lot of stick for this in the comments. And then the bear roars in agony back onto
00:33:06 its hind legs and tries to push you away. It is now on its hind legs roaring into the
00:33:10 air, like batting against its stomach in pain and slightly confused. What are you doing?
00:33:15 I say, "Oh, can you not bear it?"
00:33:22 For the briefest moment, for the briefest moment, you think maybe the bear is giving
00:33:25 you a disapproving look, but it's there.
00:33:28 I feel like while he's going in agony and just freaking out, I'm going to just like
00:33:34 go back onto my haunches, like a little like instead preparing to pounce. I'm going to
00:33:37 jump as high as I can and do the same, but on his eyes.
00:33:42 Okay. That's another reel roll for sure. Yeah. All right.
00:33:49 Missed you.
00:33:50 That's a 10.
00:33:51 So moving with a grace and speed that does not seem to suit your advanced stage, you
00:34:03 leap into the air. A full, it's got to be close to 10 feet as you, I guess, part leap,
00:34:08 part mountain climb like a billy goat up this bear's body to get to its huge skull.
00:34:14 Nanny goat.
00:34:15 Nice. Nice. I like it. Yeah. Up its body, up onto its head. You can see from the white
00:34:25 in its scarred eye that it's blinded that eye and it is simply not quick enough or does
00:34:30 not have the reflexes or the depth perception to account for this disgusting, tiny little
00:34:38 seemingly nuisance, but now a real threat to its life that's clamped onto its head.
00:34:42 You go for it again. You managed to not only blind it in its other eye, but you full on
00:34:47 claw out the white it outside that is already blind. The bear manages to just in an accidental
00:34:53 sort of flail, knock you off its head where you land safely on the mat and clutches its
00:34:58 face in agony. It is in a bad, bad, bad, bad way.
00:35:02 It's in a bad way.
00:35:03 I'm not proud of that one. Not proud of that one at all. What are you doing?
00:35:08 All right. Well, first things first, I'm the call the artists come completely out. I've
00:35:12 got it on my nail. I'm just going to get on that. I don't want to waste that kind of protein.
00:35:17 Right. So I'm safe on the mat now is my chance to like get him down and get him fully over.
00:35:22 So I'm just going to grab the ankles. I assume they're called the ankles of the bear. I don't
00:35:27 know, but that is a poor, poor, poor.
00:35:33 So sorry, guys. I missed you too. His feet out from underneath him as quick as possible
00:35:41 to have him to land on his back, winding him and hopefully like just knocking his neck
00:35:45 out a little bit.
00:35:46 That is going to be a full on power roll.
00:35:48 I hate power. Can I go back to being real and trying to kill him? Oh, that is a 12.
00:35:56 Oh, yeah.
00:35:59 OK, so actually, I know, I'm to you. You are a small, old, super gross woman.
00:36:08 I'm small, but termitey.
00:36:13 Yes, you're a termitey mouse for sure. You are. Yeah, you're a small woman, but you have
00:36:22 you displayed uncanny degrees of physical power. Nobody expected from some of your stature
00:36:28 appearance.
00:36:29 And you get your small but powerful hands across the ankle of the bear. You tug it by
00:36:34 its ankles as hard as you can. The bear flips and falls, boom, onto its back. And you hear
00:36:38 a sickening crack as its neck breaks under the weight of its own body and skull as it
00:36:45 lands on the mat on that natural 12.
00:36:49 And it lies there, motionless, defeated and thoroughly dead as the blood from the various
00:36:57 wounds you inflicted upon it just spread across the floor beneath it.
00:37:03 "Your winner, Auntie Earwig!"
00:37:09 And the crowd erupts in a combination of disgust and applause.
00:37:15 What a grisly fate.
00:37:16 I love it. I fucking love it.
00:37:17 I don't want to kill him.
00:37:18 It's too late, I guess.
00:37:19 A bit late for that, Matt. I feel like there's...
00:37:31 I just want to break his neck a little bit.
00:37:34 That is an example of revisionist history, if I ever saw it.
00:37:39 Do I at least get to keep the carcass?
00:37:43 Auntie, you can do whatever you want with that big old dead bear.
00:37:46 Mama's going to make a new tent.
00:37:50 And as you drag this massive wagon-sized earth-signed monster back up the ramp and out of the ring,
00:37:59 the old but handsome, broad-shouldered, well-dressed man on the upper balcony, who's been watching
00:38:08 this match with especially close intent, smiles a little smile in the corner of his mouth
00:38:15 just for a moment.
00:38:19 So Colorado Buckshot Wrestling is the primary, if not only, means of entertainment in Grappler's
00:38:29 Gulch.
00:38:30 And every single person in this bar is watching the matches intently.
00:38:34 That's why they're here.
00:38:35 Well, everyone except one.
00:38:39 Ollie, please can you tell us who we see sitting at the bar on his own?
00:38:46 Well, it's a man with no name.
00:38:51 No name.
00:38:52 He doesn't have a name.
00:38:53 No one knows his name, but he's always there, always there to help people out.
00:38:57 And sitting next to him at the bar with...
00:39:01 Because no name is having a little shot of whiskey, casually knocking them back, enjoying
00:39:07 the atmosphere.
00:39:08 And next to him is his horse, also with a hoof, drinking its own little shot, knocking
00:39:16 it back.
00:39:19 As you and your horse drink shot after shot, your old west grizzled body is able to take
00:39:26 the alcohol like a couple of really tough folk.
00:39:30 There is a sudden dong, dong, dong, dong, and the chimes in the town clock ring out
00:39:40 another eight times.
00:39:42 It is high noon.
00:39:47 I take a slip of paper from out of my jacket pocket and I show it to the horse and the
00:39:54 horse goes...
00:39:55 And I look at the paper, yeah, Main Street, high noon.
00:40:03 I hope you're quick on the draw.
00:40:07 Let's see who sent me this note, horsey.
00:40:11 Okay.
00:40:14 And as the two of you make your way, surprisingly inconspicuously from just knocking back whiskey
00:40:21 with his horse, out into the desert sun in the main street of Grappler's Gulch at high
00:40:29 noon as the clock reaches its 12th chime.
00:40:32 And as you make your way to the center of the main street, you see standing at the opposite
00:40:36 end a man silhouetted by the bright sun.
00:40:41 A man in dark clothes and a dark hat, whose face is obscured by his wide brim and the
00:40:49 beating sun behind him.
00:40:53 His hand moves slowly out to his side and his fingers begin to very slowly twitch.
00:41:07 I was just telling horsey to stand back.
00:41:18 What do you want?
00:41:19 Who are you?
00:41:20 Why do you keep sending me these messages?
00:41:25 No response, no movement from mystery man, except for more twitching his fingers as his
00:41:31 hand moves almost imperceptibly closer to his holster.
00:41:37 I reach for my own gun, but not quite touching it.
00:41:41 I don't know who this is.
00:41:42 I'm a good guy.
00:41:44 I'm not going to shoot first, but I am quick on the draw.
00:41:48 There's no one who's quicker on the draw than me.
00:41:51 So I know if he does go for it, I'll definitely take him out non-lethally.
00:41:55 Okay.
00:41:56 The man reaches up and puts two slim fingers over the brim of his hat and then dips it
00:42:12 a little further down, just obscuring his face that little bit more in shadow.
00:42:20 You hear a voice come from the shadow saying one thing.
00:42:29 It's noon.
00:42:35 So you are the one who sent me this note.
00:42:37 And as soon as he finished your sentence, his hand whips towards his holster.
00:42:40 I would like a work roll from you, please.
00:42:43 Oh my God.
00:42:44 Work is plus two.
00:42:46 So that's a non-natural 12.
00:42:51 Okay.
00:42:54 He whips out a gleaming black revolver, straightens his arm out straight as an arrow.
00:43:02 His elbow locks into place.
00:43:04 One of his eyes squints slightly as he gets a beat on you.
00:43:08 And just before he can pull the trigger, horsey evasive action.
00:43:14 And that horsey jumps out the way as a sort of distraction, kicks the back hoof, kicks
00:43:19 some dust up.
00:43:20 It flows in the air.
00:43:21 I roll the other way, gun out.
00:43:26 Okay.
00:43:27 That's where do those four shots go?
00:43:31 Two in the leg, two in the arms.
00:43:37 You hear four short, sharp cries of pain as this man in black drops to his knees, drops
00:43:45 his revolver on the ground, and then falls onto his back, panting.
00:43:49 His hat rolls back and you can see him now prone in the distance on the other side of
00:43:53 town just looking up at the bright sun, bleeding out from the incredibly precise non-lethal
00:44:01 wounds you inflicted upon him.
00:44:02 What are you doing?
00:44:03 He's just lying there right now.
00:44:04 I hop on horsey.
00:44:06 We trot over about six meters.
00:44:08 I get off horsey and I pull the cowboy hat off of this guy's head to find out who he
00:44:16 is.
00:44:17 You gaze down at the face of a man you have never seen before in your life.
00:44:25 Who are you?
00:44:32 A man who's still getting paid.
00:44:37 This can either be a power roll or a real roll and I will let you pick because I'm nice.
00:44:47 I'm a nice guy.
00:44:48 Thanks for choosing those.
00:44:50 Two powers minus two, reels minus one.
00:44:52 So I'm going to go with reel.
00:44:55 Okay.
00:44:56 Smart.
00:44:57 Make that roll.
00:44:59 Make that roll.
00:45:00 You should do it now, shouldn't I?
00:45:01 Bam, bam, bam.
00:45:02 Three.
00:45:03 Three.
00:45:04 Oh man.
00:45:07 So as you are looking down intently at the face of this man who you just don't recognize,
00:45:12 whose grin and chuckle is erupting into a more raucous laugh, a shot rings out in the
00:45:20 air and a hot pellet of nearly molten lead shoots through your shoulder from behind you,
00:45:30 erupts out the other side and bursts into the sand on the main street of grapplers gulch.
00:45:36 Shot from behind, straight to the shoulder.
00:45:37 What are you doing?
00:45:38 Yeah.
00:45:39 Ouch.
00:45:40 Immediately again, evasive maneuvers.
00:45:43 I take the guy who I shot down originally, I sort of get him by the scruff of the neck
00:45:49 and run to cover on the other side of the main street town behind some crates or something.
00:45:55 Meanwhile, horsey, evasive action.
00:45:57 He knows what to do.
00:45:58 He rolls the other way, the standard kick of dust up into the air as well to cloud the
00:46:02 movement and he goes to the other side of the street.
00:46:05 We're now in tactical flanking positions.
00:46:08 Okay.
00:46:09 And where are you looking?
00:46:11 I'm looking down from behind me, from where the shot came from.
00:46:16 Okay.
00:46:17 You can roll and work for this, I think, because it's about eagle-eyed astuteness.
00:46:24 So plus two.
00:46:26 That is another natural, a non-natural 12.
00:46:30 Okay.
00:46:31 You narrow your eyes Clint Eastwood style, looking across some of the main street of
00:46:35 grapplers gulch and you see standing on a balcony of a smaller hotel on the other side
00:46:41 of town, a man.
00:46:43 A man with a long range rifle leaning against the balcony.
00:46:51 You're not able to see his face, but you can see the almost glint of the smile of pristine
00:46:56 white teeth and you get the impression of a really handsome young man.
00:47:02 He wears a red hat and he just steps back into the shadows of the balcony and like a
00:47:07 ghost is gone.
00:47:10 Who the hell is that?
00:47:13 And I take the guy who I'd just wrestled with the scruff of the neck over and say, "Who
00:47:18 is that?
00:47:19 Who was that there?"
00:47:20 "I don't know and I don't care.
00:47:23 I just like the color of his gold."
00:47:26 And his eyes flutter and he passes out from the pain of the gunshots to all four of his
00:47:32 limbs.
00:47:33 Not killing him, but ruining his quality of life.
00:47:36 It's not lethal.
00:47:38 It's the baby face way.
00:47:40 And we are going to leave you there on Main Street for now.
00:47:44 We return to the interior of the Square Circle Saloon.
00:47:47 The crowds have gathered outside the windows to watch a classic Western jewel take place
00:47:53 in the Main Street.
00:47:54 But now they've returned to their tables, returned to their drinks and returned their
00:47:59 eyes to the ring.
00:48:02 Once again, the gas lights in the saloon begin to dim as the projector whirs into life and
00:48:11 the phonograph cracks and pops and another old-timey, sorry, current-timey movie is played
00:48:20 against the screen.
00:48:22 Laurie.
00:48:23 So, what appears on screen is a young man in a gleaming, pristine white shirt with a
00:48:30 white hat and on the phonogram you can hear a voiceover that's been recorded say, "Let
00:48:35 me tell you the legend of Tex Machina, a young gunslinger who rode into town from the East
00:48:42 and has stolen out his own form of justice with hot lead.
00:48:48 Some would say that this boy looked like he should have been in Sunday school, would have
00:48:52 been safer for him.
00:48:53 As the Bible says, 'Thou shalt not kill.'
00:48:56 But not many people out this way do much in the way of reading.
00:49:00 Never mind though, because Tex seems like he's got God on his side, like divine intervention
00:49:07 is keeping him from meeting his end."
00:49:11 Tex overcame Twitchy Digits Gomez.
00:49:14 And it cuts to a shot of this really rough-looking bandit with a huge moustache like all the
00:49:21 way down to his, I'm going to say down to his neck, let's say he goes down there, that's
00:49:25 how big his moustache is.
00:49:27 And he's dirty faced and he says, "Gomez was one of the fastest guns in the West, but Tex
00:49:33 stood up to him at the Gorgeous Gorge and left him laying buried beneath the rocks.
00:49:42 He took on Casey Tailbone and his gang of gambling bandits, the one-armed bandits, and
00:49:46 he left them all buried six feet under.
00:49:49 He took on Buck Naked Ned," and you see a completely naked man appear on screen, "and
00:49:54 left him stark barlick in the middle of the street, left to die.
00:49:58 He took on Clutzie Kate," and it's a woman who's slipping, in the process of falling
00:50:03 over in this photograph, "he not only shot her, but he left her falling off a cliff out
00:50:11 in the Gorge.
00:50:13 He took on Lawless Lucia, the warrior princess, catching her bladed boomerang and throwing
00:50:18 it back at her.
00:50:20 He also took down Jimmy the Prick."
00:50:29 What image is there for Jimmy the Prick?
00:50:30 What do we see for Jimmy the Prick?
00:50:32 It's a guy, he's holding a newspaper that says something particularly right wing and
00:50:36 he's just pointing at somebody.
00:50:39 And yeah, so it just says, "Some say that Tex has luck on his side, some say it's talent,
00:50:49 but either way, he's here to clean up Grappler's Gulch."
00:50:55 The phonograph pops to a stop, the projector clicks off, the lights come up again around
00:51:03 the ring, and the announcer makes his way to the edge of the apron, calling out, "Makin'
00:51:08 his way to the ring, hailing from Caron, North Carolina, Juice Tex Makin' Up!"
00:51:20 So I guess someone starts playing up the music on the piano, this is a proper old time western
00:51:26 hoedown song, as Tex bursts from the curtain to applause, as he's definitely like the baby
00:51:35 face character here.
00:51:37 He starts to walk down the ramp and people are handing him various bits and bobs.
00:51:40 He takes two dice, someone rolls them, and he rolls two sixes.
00:51:44 He has a spin on the roulette wheel, slamming his number down on number 19, spins round,
00:51:51 19 lands.
00:51:52 They hand him his chips on the way.
00:51:53 He just makes his way to the ring and stands there, pleading his glory.
00:51:57 Rapturous applause erupts from the populace of Grappler's Gulch for this bona fide western
00:52:03 legend, the Real Deal.
00:52:07 The announcer makes his way back to the apron, "Makin' his way to the ring, hailing from
00:52:13 deep within the holy man, the Reverend Coal Fire!"
00:52:20 There is the sound of church organs playing out huge, powerful chords that cause the ring
00:52:28 itself to rattle.
00:52:29 There is a thump, thump, thump of lumbering footsteps and ducking to get his head underneath
00:52:38 the top of the entranceway, which the entrance come down the ring, is a huge man.
00:52:42 He has a priest's collar around his neck, a thick, wide-brimmed black hat over the top
00:52:47 of his head.
00:52:48 He wears, across his shoulders, a large black robe.
00:52:52 He has huge, heavy mining boots on his feet.
00:52:56 His upper torso is bare and you can see just huge, nasty-looking, knotted sinewy muscles.
00:53:02 His hands are covered in coal dust and, sunken in the suffix "were" as "eyes" are, you just
00:53:08 see two black pits.
00:53:11 As he makes his way down the ramp, he stands in front of you, towering several feet above
00:53:16 you, looks down at you, bends almost 90 degrees so he can look you deep in the eye.
00:53:26 He says, "So, a man and god are you?"
00:53:34 And little, tiny flames burn within these black orbs for a second.
00:53:40 And then he stands up and just looks at you with this intense, righteous glare.
00:53:49 What are you doing, Tex?
00:53:51 "I care little for God.
00:53:56 When I finish you, they're gonna call it 'Divan Pintervention' and I'm gonna charge him and
00:54:04 go for a clothesline."
00:54:06 Okay, so make a power roll.
00:54:12 You're wearing white, make a power roll.
00:54:14 "Seven."
00:54:15 A seven?
00:54:16 Very nice.
00:54:18 You have to literally jump off the ground a little bit to get your, well a lot in fact,
00:54:23 to get your arm into this guy's upper torso and neck, but it manages to connect.
00:54:27 And as it does, this huge statured man, his head knocks against the ring bell and it goes
00:54:33 "dong, dong, dong" as the match starts.
00:54:35 He stumbles back two or three feet on these big heavy boots, but this is a mountain of
00:54:40 a man and he isn't toppled yet.
00:54:43 He shakes his head at you and makes the mine of the cross on his chest.
00:54:47 "I'm going to, right off that clothesline, I'm gonna run up to the turnbuckle, jump onto
00:54:53 the second one and leap off with a dropkick."
00:54:55 A dropkick?
00:54:56 Okay, I think that's top rope flashy enough for you to roll for work.
00:55:02 "Duh-uh-neh.
00:55:03 That is a three."
00:55:06 It's a three.
00:55:07 So yeah, your body crunches up for this dropkick, you stretch out, your feet connect with his
00:55:11 chest and he doesn't even move an inch this time, you just fall to the ground.
00:55:16 He picks up one of his dirty boots and puts the heel of it into your chest and then leans
00:55:23 down against you.
00:55:24 First, I want you to make a power roll.
00:55:27 "Ten."
00:55:29 Ten?
00:55:31 Okay, he pushes his heel into your chest, but you're able to keep the weight of it off
00:55:35 you and prevent it from doing any real damage.
00:55:40 These sort of thick eyes are now almost, these sort of dark orbs are almost burning, blazing
00:55:44 with fire now.
00:55:46 "You lie, boy.
00:55:49 You lie."
00:55:50 What are you doing?
00:55:54 "I'm going to attempt to trip him up."
00:55:58 Okay, that's a work roll for sure.
00:56:04 "And that's a six.
00:56:05 That's a six.
00:56:06 Got minus one on everything."
00:56:08 Yeah, you try to get your feet around his ankles, but they're big, thick ankles and
00:56:15 he's a big old boy and he does not move a muscle.
00:56:20 He picks you up from the ground, high up into the air, as if to sort of get you into a power
00:56:29 bomb, but then tosses you clean across the ring.
00:56:33 So you land spine first into the ring post.
00:56:40 He cracks his knuckles and cracks his head.
00:56:42 He coughs a little bit of coal dust out of his mouth and says, "They're going to need
00:56:46 a call church and rescue when I'm done with you."
00:56:49 Starts the lumber towards you.
00:56:51 "I'm going to say, 'You hold it right there, you no good dirty varmint.
00:56:58 I am here to clean up this town and we don't want you and your kind here.
00:57:03 Get out while you still can.'"
00:57:05 "My kind?
00:57:07 I'm the very body and coal of this town."
00:57:12 He attempts to just give you a real stiff lariat right where you're still pinned up
00:57:17 against the turnbuckle, just to try and crush you into powder.
00:57:20 You're going to need a power roll to resist this.
00:57:23 "Eight."
00:57:24 "Eight.
00:57:25 Nice.
00:57:26 Yeah.
00:57:27 He swings, again, he swings his arm into you.
00:57:31 But yeah, on an eight, we'll say he just seems to whiff just above your head somehow.
00:57:39 You kind of brace yourself to the impact of this.
00:57:42 This is like a power response.
00:57:43 You're trying to get your body firm enough to take the hit.
00:57:46 But for some reason, he just seems to be off his game for this one shot.
00:57:51 And his big heavy arm whiffs above your head and clunks against the turnbuckle, splinters
00:57:55 a bit of wood off the top of it.
00:57:56 What are you doing?"
00:57:57 So as he steps back, sort of reeling from that, I'm going to push him and say, "Now,
00:58:03 Karma's a good judge of character, boy.
00:58:06 And you, my friend, are fucked."
00:58:07 And I'm going to run and try and hit one of my special moves, which is the Hurricane Karma.
00:58:14 Okay.
00:58:19 It feels like a work move.
00:58:21 I think the Hurricane Karma.
00:58:22 So you can roll and work for that.
00:58:23 Come on.
00:58:24 Yeah!
00:58:25 An eight.
00:58:26 An eight.
00:58:27 Nice.
00:58:28 Yeah, take us through your signature move.
00:58:29 Take us through it.
00:58:33 So as I run, and it's just a full-bodied leap, I've managed to leap the extra couple of feet
00:58:39 that he has on me to get my legs around his head.
00:58:41 As I do, my two spurs on my boots clink together pleasingly, causing a nice little glint and
00:58:47 a gleam as I then whip him round, flipping him over onto his back.
00:58:52 Yeah, with an almighty boom, his huge frame lands on his back on the mat, and he is prone.
00:58:58 What are you doing?
00:58:59 I'm going to go for my finisher and start calling for it.
00:59:02 I'm going to start stomping my boot into the floor to set up a clap and a count as I'm
00:59:09 waiting for him to get to his feet.
00:59:11 Okay.
00:59:12 So to see how well this clap goes down, roll and look.
00:59:16 That is an 11.
00:59:17 It's an 11.
00:59:19 Okay.
00:59:21 So you stomp and you stomp and you stomp and you stomp, and the crowd immediately pick
00:59:27 up on this rhythm.
00:59:29 They know a good foot shot when they hear it, and everyone in the saloon begins to stomp
00:59:33 as well in unison with you.
00:59:34 They cheer, they clap, they holler, they stomp.
00:59:37 It's almost as if the cows have come back.
00:59:38 The saloon is rattling so much at this point.
00:59:40 Reverend Colfey is able to get up to his feet, and he begins to prepare his own finisher.
00:59:46 He claps some more coal dust against his hands and then starts to rub these big, thick, calloused
00:59:54 mitts against the buckle of his belt, and still sparks begin to emit from it.
00:59:59 The sparks catch on the coal dust in his hands and fire begins to engulf them.
01:00:04 He just starts to rub more and more coal from his body until his hands are these two huge
01:00:09 flaming fingers, sort of flaming hands.
01:00:14 That'll do.
01:00:15 Until his hands are these two big old flaming hands.
01:00:18 He puts them together and almost seems to start to form some kind of ball out of it.
01:00:24 He's about to hit his famous finisher, the black coal sun, and starts to move towards
01:00:28 you.
01:00:29 What are you doing?
01:00:30 - I'm getting hadoukened.
01:00:31 I'm going to swing for my, I've been setting up for it, so I thought I was going to swing
01:00:36 for my finisher and see what happens.
01:00:38 - Go for your finisher.
01:00:39 Roll those two D6.
01:00:40 - Cool.
01:00:41 - And that is the lucky strike, the Sheriff Star Lariat.
01:00:44 I start to warm up my arm, ready for it, and I spin on the spot twice, and then using the
01:00:49 momentum go to nail him in the face with a big forearm.
01:00:55 And seven.
01:00:56 - Seven.
01:00:57 Okay, on a seven.
01:01:00 You've just about made it.
01:01:03 So you go in with the Sheriff Star, as you say, right?
01:01:07 You go in with the Sheriff Star, and you've tried to use physical force against this guy
01:01:14 before and it hasn't had much effect.
01:01:16 And at this point, it doesn't seem to have much effect either, but a lot happens in that
01:01:22 brief moment where your arm is about to connect with his body.
01:01:26 Time seems to slow down from your perspective for a moment.
01:01:28 The arm swings in, it gets closer and closer and closer.
01:01:32 Reverend Coalfire begins to move this big, hot ball of flame towards you, and then the
01:01:37 rumble on the ground from the audience, which you can feel under yourself causing your feet
01:01:43 to kind of lose their footing.
01:01:45 And the same with the Reverend Coalfire, just as your arm swings for his chest, just as
01:01:49 you kind of feel that moment that this is, realistically, this is not going to do it.
01:01:52 He's just too big.
01:01:53 He loses his balance as the ground starts to rumble and tips backwards.
01:01:58 Your arm misses him by a fraction, but to everyone's eyes, it looks like it connected
01:02:03 beautifully and he begins to fall.
01:02:05 He tries to use his flaming hands to right his balance.
01:02:08 And as he foolishly touches his own robes to do it, he begins to erupt in flame as his
01:02:14 own fire starts to burn his own clothes and spread across his body.
01:02:17 He lets out an almost supernatural howl of pain at this point as he rides across the
01:02:23 ground, burning in fire.
01:02:26 The audience roar and cheer.
01:02:28 The announcer clearly thinks that is enough of a win at this stage to call you the victor.
01:02:34 And he shakes the rope to ring the bell out and starts calling out, "You're a winner!
01:02:40 Tix!
01:02:41 Mackina!"
01:02:42 But you can't hear it.
01:02:43 You're almost deafened, as is everybody, by the sound of the feet drumming and by the
01:02:47 sound of these burning flames as your currently still living opponent rides on the ground
01:02:51 in agony.
01:02:52 This shit keeps happening.
01:02:55 Okay.
01:02:57 Is that where you want to leave it?
01:03:04 I'll attempt to put him out.
01:03:06 How are you going to do that?
01:03:09 I'm going to sort of cast around for if there's anything to... any liquid in the room.
01:03:17 Oh, okay.
01:03:19 Make a... make a... make a work roll.
01:03:24 No, make a real roll.
01:03:26 Sorry, real.
01:03:27 This is going to be real.
01:03:28 This is outside of the ring.
01:03:29 Yeah.
01:03:30 Three.
01:03:31 Three.
01:03:32 And you're going to put a big, like, a big bottle of something.
01:03:34 Oh, yeah.
01:03:35 It's got to be water.
01:03:36 And yeah, you being... you're a white hat.
01:03:39 You're a good guy.
01:03:40 You know, you're not going to let this man burn to death.
01:03:42 You pick up this bucket of water.
01:03:44 And as you toss it over this man's body, and as the bucket passes your eyes, you realize
01:03:49 this isn't a bucket.
01:03:50 This is a bottle.
01:03:52 This isn't water.
01:03:53 Well, this is definitely fire water.
01:03:56 And the Reverend Coldfire is doused in some extremely strong whiskey.
01:04:00 His unholy screams wail almost like the spirits of the dead themselves for a moment, an echo
01:04:06 in the air before the fire behind his eyes is snuffed out.
01:04:10 And... yes.
01:04:13 And Reverend Coldfire lies in ashes.
01:04:18 Well, shit.
01:04:20 [Laughter]
01:04:22 That was no one to say the last rites either.
01:04:25 The legend of Tex Machina continues.
01:04:31 The announcer cries to try and get the shocked silence out of the room and get everyone back
01:04:36 into good spirits.
01:04:37 And yeah, they erupt into applause.
01:04:38 And we will start clapping.
01:04:41 While everyone in the saloon is crowding around the great hero Tex Machina for felling this
01:04:46 giant in the ring, a very gross old woman is enjoying her favorite tipple at the bar.
01:04:53 Lo, can you tell us what auntie is drinking right now?
01:04:56 I am drinking... so it's called the... I'm going to call it the Reany Roach.
01:05:03 And it's tequila.
01:05:06 And then it's salt and a bit of lime.
01:05:11 It's quite normal.
01:05:12 And then I'm going to say it's three locusts and a moth.
01:05:17 And if I can get it, that kind of weird slobbery boogery stuff that comes out of the horse's
01:05:25 snot-based thing.
01:05:26 That's it.
01:05:27 Specifically from Horsey, if I can, because he seems like a nice horse.
01:05:30 And I bet he does some really good snot.
01:05:32 And then it's all grinded in together, a bit like the way you grind the bottom of a mojito.
01:05:37 And then I down it in one.
01:05:39 And it's kind of got that lovely consistency of an oyster.
01:05:41 Yes, that lovely consistency of an oyster.
01:05:45 Oh, do you know what I really like?
01:05:49 Like, you know how you rim a glass?
01:05:52 Like a margarita?
01:05:53 I wonder if you can do that with salt and dried skin.
01:05:57 Oh, come on.
01:05:59 Well, let's say we can.
01:06:03 Let's say we can.
01:06:04 So as you down your signature drink, which strangely no one else in the bar ever seems
01:06:10 to order, a heavy shadow casts itself across you and across the bar.
01:06:15 And you look up to see a tall figure, a man in a very nice suit, wearing an expensive-looking
01:06:22 velvet waistcoat, broadly muscled, and clearly the high cheekbones of very good breeding
01:06:30 behind his thick handlebar mustache.
01:06:32 He reaches out a hand towards you and says, "You're a very impressive woman, Auntie Earwig."
01:06:43 Well, hi!
01:06:45 Allow me to introduce myself.
01:06:47 I am the mayor of this town, Mayor Kesh.
01:06:51 Mayor Quentin Kesh.
01:06:55 Yay!
01:06:57 The love!
01:07:02 It transcends time.
01:07:03 It's like the Fountain by Aronofsky.
01:07:05 I feel like you've got a really raw deal in this one.
01:07:13 It's the QCU.
01:07:18 Awesome.
01:07:19 Is your hand still on my shoulder?
01:07:22 His hand has reached out for you to shake.
01:07:25 Oh, can I just lick it?
01:07:27 Yes.
01:07:28 Cool.
01:07:29 He looks at it, just nods a little and smiles.
01:07:39 I expected nothing less.
01:07:43 Now, tell me, where did you, how did, that is one of the most impressive, you were right
01:07:51 there, miss.
01:07:54 It's a love that travels through time and exists all the way.
01:07:58 We just don't know how it works.
01:07:59 Go through, my love.
01:08:01 That is one of the most impressive feats of will.
01:08:04 Just about gushed out anything I've ever seen in my many years, both in this town and in
01:08:10 this promotion.
01:08:11 Tell me, how did a seemingly unassuming woman like yourself of such grace and beauty, how
01:08:20 did you manage to fell such a gigantic creature?
01:08:25 Well, I wanted to sleep in something warm tonight.
01:08:32 So I thought I just needed to hollow out something to crawl into.
01:08:38 And he just stumbled in without me even having to worry about it.
01:08:41 It was great.
01:08:43 Ah, well, fortune favours the brave.
01:08:47 And speaking of bravery, well, I was hoping you might do me a favour.
01:08:55 Anything for you, sweet foe, what do you want?
01:08:58 Anything for me?
01:08:59 Well, I appreciate how friendly you're being considering we have only really just met,
01:09:03 but I will not look a gift horse in the mouth.
01:09:09 Now, I'm not sure if you were here earlier today, but my town seems to have run into
01:09:17 something of a cow problem.
01:09:20 Ah, that's not the calf of it.
01:09:23 Ha ha, very good, very good.
01:09:28 And, well, a big old monstrous cowman is great entertainment to get people shilling their
01:09:36 coin for my fine liquor, but it is not good ultimately for the prosperity of my town if
01:09:42 they are running roughshod through our streets and disrupting perfectly good business.
01:09:48 Yeah, I've seen loads of people cower before them.
01:09:53 They are creatures to be feared by the everyday man, for sure, but not creatures to be feared
01:09:58 by someone of your calibre, of your guts, to coin a phrase.
01:10:06 Oh, you're too kind, sir.
01:10:08 Oh, I'm an old southern gentleman, I try to be kind to everyone.
01:10:13 Yeah, and you taste nice.
01:10:16 I'll take it, it's a compliment and I'll take it.
01:10:22 These are exceptionally well-bred hands.
01:10:26 Oh, change of mind.
01:10:29 Just looks at his fingers very briefly.
01:10:34 So, very simply, if you would track down this cow Guevara, no, Che Guevara isn't alive yet.
01:10:46 Does that matter?
01:10:47 Yeah, because that's what we're going for here is consistency.
01:10:50 A horse was drinking at the bar.
01:10:54 Hey, you leave poor Seattleists in the froth.
01:10:56 Yes, but he was drinking at a historically accurate bar and drinking a drink that was available at the time.
01:11:03 Okay, we'll keep it, cow Guevara.
01:11:06 Well, there's pretty much... if you could track down this cow Guevara for me, I would do well.
01:11:15 I'm the mayor of this town, I run this town, everything runs through me.
01:11:19 If there's anything you need in return for such a kindness, I will be more than happy to do it for you.
01:11:26 Oh, anything?
01:11:31 What is it that you want?
01:11:34 Well, there's a few things I want, which I kind of had to describe and I'm worried about losing my accent over this.
01:11:41 Right, okay, there we go.
01:11:43 So, number one, I get to keep whatever I destroy. That's what I need.
01:11:49 I need a new tent. The last one got a little bit moldy because I don't like drying them out.
01:11:53 I like to sleep with them wet.
01:11:55 Do you know what I'd really like? I would like you to give me the circle of land around this town so I can build a termite colony.
01:12:09 Well, let's start with whatever it is you can destroy and we can discuss the rest later.
01:12:16 Please don't live in my corpse.
01:12:20 Now, I'm afraid, as you can probably see, the town is already in a bad shape and well, the Moogeyman is very much a legend.
01:12:29 And if you could do me the kindness of keeping it that way, then we can talk.
01:12:35 And he reaches out his hand once more for you to shake.
01:12:39 What's cryptic as fuck? What? Okay, sure.
01:12:44 I can just like scrape the dry skin off the top of it and just like sprinkle it into my drink.
01:12:50 Just like, it is dry, no matter how nice you look at your hands, it's still gonna be dry.
01:12:54 So I'm just gonna take a little bit, just put it in.
01:12:58 All right, it's canon now. He tips his hat to you and makes his way back through the crowd to his seat on the top balcony.
01:13:08 Okay, we now cut to the local doctor, the Sawbones, whose name, as luck should have it, is Dr. Sawbones.
01:13:22 In his roughshod, rough and ready, old-timey, nope, I keep doing it, current-timey doctor's office.
01:13:31 It's the present day.
01:13:34 There are some rather unpleasant-looking surgical tools.
01:13:38 There are sort of bottles of tinctures and snake oils and tonics and some bloody rags, some buckets of bits.
01:13:45 Medicine in the Old West is not a pretty business and Dr. Sawbones is not a pretty man.
01:13:50 But he is, nonetheless, tending to the man you shot in every single limb out on Main Street.
01:13:57 Because, as you said yourself, you're a good guy. Non-lethal.
01:14:02 Non-lethal.
01:14:03 Non-lethal.
01:14:05 Tell me again, what happened here?
01:14:13 Well, if the Old West has taught me anything, it's that there's three kinds of people.
01:14:20 Those who get shot in all four limbs, those who get shot in the shoulder...
01:14:30 And?
01:14:31 What? No, no, I said all the things.
01:14:35 Well, all right, now I'm no lawman, I'm not gonna ask any uncomfortable questions.
01:14:39 Honestly, I don't care if you... This man is a saint himself who decided to shoot in all the most useful parts of his body.
01:14:48 Honestly, the more people get hurt, the more money I make.
01:14:51 But, so I can at least perform my job properly, please tell me exactly what happened here.
01:15:02 Well, he went to shoot me. I dived out of the way.
01:15:05 It was a really cool evasive maneuver thing. There was smoke and dust kicked up as a shot.
01:15:12 OK, Molly, I want you to make right now a work or a real roll.
01:15:17 Sorry, it's the other one. It was work or... It's real or power. Yeah, real or power.
01:15:23 Real or power. Ooh, so minus one then for real. Ooh, it's three!
01:15:30 Three. OK, there is another crack in the air, a shattering of glass as another bullet shoots into the doctor's office and punctures you right in your other shoulder.
01:15:41 Oh, come on!
01:15:44 You're gonna take a penalty, a minus one penalty on your work score now.
01:15:50 My work score, damn it.
01:15:53 Yes, and you turn to see, standing in the main street just by the window, holding a gleaming red revolver with a red hat on his head, a man you recognize very well.
01:16:06 He looks you straight in the eye. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
01:16:12 Leaps onto the back of a beautiful red horse and begins to start galloping down Main Street. What are you doing?
01:16:19 Horsey, it's Quickdraw, the man I've been hunting throughout the Old West all this time.
01:16:25 Horsey, you know, sees what happens, puts down his drink and I hop on Horsey's back and we pursue Quickdraw.
01:16:32 It's OK, it's OK, Mamadone, you can call your horse by his real name now.
01:16:37 Let's get him.
01:16:39 Ranger Zone.
01:16:46 So back inside the saloon, the projector clicks into life, the phonograph cracks and popples and the title sequence for the popular Wild West stage show, Rick Thunder, Ranger Zone, cracks into life.
01:16:59 Ollie, can you give me the first slide from that, please?
01:17:02 Yeah, so there's someone on a honky-tonk style piano.
01:17:05 Dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-ch!
01:17:09 A legend of the man with no name!
01:17:11 He turns out to be Rick Thunder. He rides everywhere with his trusty steed, Ranger Zone, always in pursuit of Quickdraw.
01:17:20 Once he finds Quickdraw, only then can he return home.
01:17:25 We now cut back to the street as you leap onto the back of Ranger Zone and start chasing Quickdraw on his red horse down the street, down through the town. What are you doing?
01:17:35 I fire off two shots at the horse's legs, non-lethal.
01:17:42 Okay, we're going to need a work roll for that.
01:17:45 Ah, bollocks. That is only four.
01:17:51 Only four? Yeah, you fire two shots very quickly. What's your revolver look like?
01:17:57 It's got 12 holes, for the natural 12 that I am. It's like the side of a plane wing.
01:18:12 Awesome, awesome, amazing, fantastic, fucking love it.
01:18:17 Okay, yeah, the sand explodes in two places, the shots just miss as the hooves of Red Mare shoot down the high street further and take a turn around the side of a barn. What are you doing?
01:18:31 I hop off of Ranger Zone, he splits, he goes round one way, and I start trying to cut off Quickdraw, who is really Tim Quick, and I go for my barrel roll.
01:18:54 So as I jump off of Ranger Zone, I'm just firing, firing, firing, firing, firing.
01:19:01 Okay, that's magnificent, man. That's a work roll.
01:19:06 That's an eight.
01:19:09 That's an eight. Yeah, you do a barrel roll. One of your bullets goes straight through the red hat on Tim Quick's head, knocking it off his head and revealing his blonde locks and his boyishly handsome face.
01:19:26 Yes!
01:19:27 He shakes his fist at you. He turns around too far, another shot at you, but another of your barrel roll shots knocks the red revolver out of one of his hands.
01:19:37 "Yeah, a good thing I always carry too."
01:19:41 He pulls out a white revolver now from his other holster and turns around to fire a shot at you. What are you doing?
01:19:49 I get out a lasso. It's time for the airplane spin.
01:19:57 I launch it over and I get Quickdraw and start to yank him over to me.
01:20:03 Okay, that's going to be a work roll to get him and then it's going to be a power roll to yank him over.
01:20:11 So the work roll is nine?
01:20:13 Yeah, the airplane spin is beautiful. It goes straight over the top of his shoulders. His arms get pulled to his sides.
01:20:18 "Agh, I hate you so much! You're done, Quickdraw. Help me get back to my home time."
01:20:27 "Agh, but it's not good. It's a four."
01:20:30 Reroll, reroll!
01:20:32 So you're back on range? Oh yes, you have your rerolls.
01:20:35 I can reroll for what? I will do anything to get back home.
01:20:40 So what are you going to do to up the ante here and justify that reroll?
01:20:47 So on that first failed roll you tried to tug him off, but...
01:20:53 Come on, guys. We're better than this. I think we're better than this.
01:20:59 We're wet with anticipation.
01:21:02 "How's he going to get back to his home time that way?"
01:21:08 What verb can I use?
01:21:12 Whack to the future.
01:21:18 Okay, you tried to use physical force to remove him from his horse by a lasso, but he is too strong for your first attempt to do so with that method.
01:21:28 So you're going to reroll, but what are you going to do?
01:21:30 Right, right. So I imagine that the reason I can't pull him down first time, not because I'm not strong enough, but because I've been shot in both shoulders.
01:21:38 So I'm pulling, I'm pulling, but seeing this, Rangerzone has come back from his defensive manoeuvres, reaches round me with its hooves,
01:21:48 and also grabs the lasso, and we pull together. We tug him off together.
01:22:00 Okay, make that roll. That's still power, but you get to reroll it.
01:22:04 It's five!
01:22:09 Unfortunately, as you do this, in an equally impressive feat of equine aeronautics,
01:22:18 Quickdraw Tim and Redmare rearrange themselves.
01:22:22 So Redmare is now running on his hind legs, and his back legs have wrapped around the rope too.
01:22:28 And they are now both at, yeah, the combined strength of both of them is able to drag both you and Rangerzone across the dirt.
01:22:35 You sort of feel the grit of this current timey street scraping across your face.
01:22:41 You're in pain. Your shoulders are burning now from the bullet wounds. What are you doing?
01:22:45 Oh dear. I'm running through my moveset.
01:22:51 Okay, okay, we're going to lean into this. We are going to start.
01:22:55 I'm going to swing round, jump on horsey Rangerzone's back, and he's going to run up the rope to them.
01:23:02 So we can have a fight on top of Redscare, which is Tim Quick's horse.
01:23:08 Okay, so Rangerzone is doing this run, so it's going to be a look roll, because it's really tied to your gimmick.
01:23:13 So I'm thinking, like, when you get a fight on top of the train as it's moving, that's what I want on top of a horse.
01:23:20 Look is zero. It's six.
01:23:24 Oh, I'm so sorry, mate. Do you have another reroll left?
01:23:28 Standing up for my best friend, Rangerzone.
01:23:32 I'm doing... I have to do this, because otherwise Rangerzone is going to get really beaten up in the ground.
01:23:43 No, you're generally coming to your friend's aid. That's perfectly good.
01:23:47 What are you doing? How are you going to get out of this?
01:23:49 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, it's a laugh!
01:23:52 Yes!
01:23:53 Yeah!
01:23:54 Yes!
01:23:55 Okay, okay, so just so I get this right, currently what we see is there is a red horse running on its four legs,
01:24:03 its back legs tied around a rope with a Russian man riding on its back.
01:24:08 On the other end of this rope is a human man, you, holding onto the rope, and Tytro walking across this rope,
01:24:13 and then, after sort of teetering and tottering on his very small surface area hooves,
01:24:18 Rangerzone makes his way onto the back of Redmare, so now Rangerzone and Quickfire Tim are caught in a fisticuff duel
01:24:27 on the back of Quickfire Tim's horse. Have I got that right?
01:24:29 Yeah, I don't know why you had to re-explain that.
01:24:32 I'm a little slow sometimes.
01:24:34 So is Rick Thunder on Rangerzone or not?
01:24:37 No, Rick Thunder's on the ground holding a rope torch so Rangerzone can cross the rope,
01:24:41 and now Rangerzone is basically in a rock 'em sock 'em robot fight with Tim Quick.
01:24:47 Tim Quick turns around expecting to engage in fisticuffs with, you know, pity, sort of,
01:24:52 his Russian bear strength against his old nemesis, Rick Thunder.
01:24:56 He turns and finds not a handsome daredevil pilot, but a big old horse,
01:25:02 and as he pulls the fist back desperately to try and swing a punch, a hoof just clonk,
01:25:08 knocks him straight in the face, followed by clonk, another hoof, and clonk, another hoof.
01:25:13 And at this point, Rangerzone is basically just speedbagging Tim Quick's face
01:25:20 with his hooves like an old-timey boxer.
01:25:24 Rangerzone wheels back one of his hooves at this point, swings it around in the air,
01:25:29 and then with all the force, and horses are very strong animals,
01:25:33 punches Tim Quick square in the jaw.
01:25:36 He punches him so hard, in fact, on that natural 12
01:25:41 that as soon as his fist connects, and as soon as there is a gong from the bell in town,
01:25:47 and it reaches the exact hour of midnight,
01:25:50 you start to feel a crackle and disturbance in the air.
01:25:55 The familiar color of purple plasmid kind of energy starts to reverberate in the ether itself,
01:26:02 and a hole in space-time itself opens up in the Old West.
01:26:08 Rangerzone's fist knocks Tim Quick clear through this hole in time.
01:26:15 Caught up in the momentum, Redmare follows,
01:26:19 as Redmare carries both himself and Rangerzone through the portal,
01:26:22 and you, still holding onto that rope, are yanked through the portal too.
01:26:26 What is the last thing we see Rick Thunder do before he is pulled through time once again?
01:26:31 - And Rangerzone is taken through with him. - Yeah.
01:26:35 I say, if the Old West has taught me anything, there are three types of people in this life.
01:26:41 Those who want to leave home, those always trying to go back,
01:26:45 and those who realize that home was always with them, as long as they've got their best bud.
01:26:52 And with that, you disappear through the portal and...
01:26:57 it closes, and we're left with an empty street once again.
01:27:02 - Ah. - Ah. - Woo! Bravo.
01:27:06 Once more, this feat has been seen by the crowds and the punters inside the Square Circle Saloon,
01:27:13 looking out the windows, as well as townspeople not in the saloon,
01:27:16 but watching it unfold from their eyes.
01:27:18 But now, everyone's attention is drawn back to maybe the greatest hero the West has ever known,
01:27:26 as a crowd of fans are just milling around the great, unbeatable Deuce Tex Mackenna,
01:27:34 as he regales them with his exploits.
01:27:37 Tell us another one, Tex. Tell us another tale.
01:27:41 Well, let me tell you about the guy.
01:27:43 I'll tell you about the time that I took home Twitchy Diggis Gomez in Gorgeous George.
01:27:48 Sorry, Gorgeous Gorge.
01:27:50 We tangled for a few days. I've been trailing him across the prairie.
01:27:55 And once we got there, he challenged me to a duel.
01:27:59 I said, "Well, you might be one of the fastest guns in the West, but I got Lady Luck on my side,
01:28:05 and Lady Luck never lets me lose."
01:28:08 We drew. I took him down.
01:28:11 And quite simply, I brought the entire quarry down on him.
01:28:15 He was aiming for me, and I was aiming for the rocks.
01:28:19 Causal landslide took him out. His brain's over brawn. It's quite simple, really.
01:28:24 Gosh darn it, Tex. If you ain't the most impressive, the toughest, the meanest, the hardest,
01:28:31 just the most goddamn badass son of a bitch in the whole darn West,
01:28:37 I don't think anyone can hold a candle to you, my friend.
01:28:42 I am in awe. Let me buy you another round. Let me buy you another round.
01:28:46 Thank you kindly, sir.
01:28:48 And at this point, this autograph signing session is interrupted.
01:28:56 I'm done sick of hearing about Deuce "Tex" Mackinaw.
01:29:04 I'm done sick and tired of hearing about his bullshit stories about him being a badass.
01:29:11 He's nothing but a piece of trash. I don't like him done no much.
01:29:15 I don't want to sit here. I'm trying to play my game of Cars.
01:29:18 All I can hear is him yammering on about saving people, about doing this, doing that,
01:29:25 being God almighty. He can kiss my ass. I ain't a piece of shit.
01:29:31 Have I heard that?
01:29:34 Yes, very much. I heard it loud and clear.
01:29:37 Excellent.
01:29:38 I'm gonna...
01:29:40 No, no. Give me another drink, you dumb bastard.
01:29:43 I'm gonna get up and walk over to his table and just say,
01:29:46 "You listen here, Mad Dog McCree.
01:29:49 Mad Dogs, there'll be a need of putting down.
01:29:55 You might have your posse, but I'd like to introduce you to a couple of my friends,
01:30:00 Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson.
01:30:03 Now, I see you like to gamble. I see you like to play cards.
01:30:10 Now, they say don't count your blessings. One time I counted mine,
01:30:14 and what I got was a lucky number.
01:30:16 I mean, cards. I'm gonna take two cards at random out of his hand.
01:30:22 I always have an ace up my sleeve and flip them over, and they should be two aces.
01:30:28 Ooh, I feel like we need to roll for that.
01:30:31 That is gonna be a look roll, though. You can roll on your look,
01:30:35 'cause it's very much based around your gimmick.
01:30:37 Ooh, it's not gone well.
01:30:40 It is a three.
01:30:42 It's a three. So it's a five of clubs and a joker.
01:30:46 I told you he was full of shit, didn't I?
01:30:51 Nothing but parlor games and magic's all he does.
01:30:56 Setting people on fire.
01:30:58 It's not magic.
01:31:01 I came here to the West because I believe in what it stands for.
01:31:08 I believe it stands for a better world,
01:31:11 a world in which a man can make whatever he wants of himself.
01:31:14 You, sir, out here ruining it with your varmints.
01:31:17 We got pests all over the place. We got complete cow-spiracies going on.
01:31:22 I need to clean up this town,
01:31:25 because back there in the East where I'm from, they think we're a joke.
01:31:30 I come out here to Grappler's Gulch, and I see people making a mess of the place.
01:31:35 And I think the West is more than that.
01:31:38 I went to the OK Corral, and I thought it was fucking fantastic.
01:31:42 This place is worth more than you're giving it credit for,
01:31:46 and you're bringing it down in the eyes of the world.
01:31:49 I'm going to set you straight, boy.
01:31:51 You listen here, there, boy. You listen good.
01:31:54 You heard what the announcer said.
01:31:56 I done rid this town, that boy Cow.
01:32:00 I beat him in a wrestling match, and I sent him running.
01:32:03 You see him run, you saw him run. Tell him you saw him run.
01:32:07 Actually, I think-- No, you saw him run. You tell him you saw him run.
01:32:11 That's right. You saw him run. Do you know why?
01:32:14 Because everybody fears Mad Dog McCree.
01:32:18 Now, if you want to fight, I'm going to kick the shit out of you.
01:32:24 And then I'm going to eat you up, and I'm going to shit you out.
01:32:30 And I'm going to make Noel eat that shit.
01:32:34 And then he's going to shit out that shit.
01:32:37 And then my boy Andy here, he's going to eat that shit and shit out that shit.
01:32:44 And we're going to pass all through, and we're going to pass around the whole town
01:32:47 because everyone respects me around here.
01:32:49 Once everyone's done eating up the shit that I beat out of you and shit,
01:32:54 I'm going to kick the shit out of that shit.
01:32:58 Best believe that.
01:33:00 Join my gang. You might have to eat some poo.
01:33:03 You bloody love it, Bog Howe. What do you want to say?
01:33:06 I'm not sure what to make of that.
01:33:10 You'll be scared is what you want to be.
01:33:13 Hey, they call me a lucky devil.
01:33:16 I'm about to make this place live in hell for you.
01:33:20 The announcer who has been listening to this conversation steps in and says,
01:33:24 "Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, it sounds like we have a dispute.
01:33:29 It sounds like we have a disagreement.
01:33:31 It sounds like we have some kind of contention that needs settling,
01:33:34 and I'll tell you how we settle contention here in the Square Circle Saloon.
01:33:38 We settle it in the ring the way we settle everything.
01:33:42 It sounds to me like we have a bona fide match,
01:33:46 a bona fide death match on our hands.
01:33:51 Two men enter, one man leaves.
01:33:55 The way I like it. The way I like it.
01:33:58 You think you're mad enough there, Tex?
01:34:00 You're mad enough to face death in the face?
01:34:04 What's up, Andy? Face death in the face?
01:34:07 You're too scared, too yellow-bellied.
01:34:10 I ain't yellow. I'll see you there, mad dog.
01:34:14 And I'm going to turn and grab the announcer and go, "What the fuck, man?"
01:34:18 [LAUGHTER]
01:34:21 "Don't worry about it. He's just an old, good crook.
01:34:24 He's not going to be able to stand up to a hero like you, Tex.
01:34:28 Ladies and gentlemen!"
01:34:29 "Doo-doo!"
01:34:31 He then cries out, "Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,
01:34:35 we have ourselves a tombstone match!"
01:34:40 "Yeah!"
01:34:41 So as the tombstone match is set up, and as you see bartenders and ring hands
01:34:46 start to erect barbed cattle wire, not only around the edges of the ropes
01:34:50 and the posts, but moving across the top of the ring as well
01:34:55 to ensure that there is no interruptions, no interference.
01:34:58 It is just two men, two men in a ring, just themselves.
01:35:02 Two men enter, one man leaves. Two men enter, one man leaves.
01:35:08 And as the ring is currently busy being prepared for the tombstone match,
01:35:13 the punters return to their drinks, but then start to hear a commotion outside.
01:35:20 As they turn their heads to the windows, they start to see a few fires
01:35:23 off in the distance in the direction of the main cattle farmstead in town.
01:35:28 With nothing else to do, and super liquored up at this point,
01:35:31 they start to file out of the saloon across the street
01:35:36 and in the direction of this increasingly raucous commotion,
01:35:40 where they find themselves around the edges of the main cattle pen,
01:35:45 standing in the centre of the pen, the legend himself, the Moogy Man,
01:35:53 the Boy Cow.
01:35:55 I can't believe he came back.
01:35:57 And standing opposite this huge, towering stature of Beef,
01:36:04 a small, thoroughly gross old woman.
01:36:10 About half of the assembled crowd around this cattle pen
01:36:14 are now punters from the Square Circle Saloon and townspeople
01:36:17 who have just heard the commotion and come to see what is happening.
01:36:20 The other half are cows.
01:36:23 Huge torches have been erected at several points around this pen,
01:36:29 so the makeshift ring can be seen bright and clearly.
01:36:34 Auntie Yerwig, Boy Cow, squaring off against each other.
01:36:37 Do you have anything to say to each other?
01:36:40 Now listen, I understand the mayor wants me excommunicated.
01:36:49 Frankly, I say, how dare he?
01:36:54 How dare he?
01:36:57 In this town, there are 4,876 cattle,
01:37:03 but there'll be 5,000 once I've rounded them up.
01:37:11 That's my favourite one so far.
01:37:13 Join me. Join the army of the cattle.
01:37:18 Join the herd and rain down terror and pain and destruction
01:37:24 upon all of moon kind.
01:37:27 I hear you taste good when it's warm outside,
01:37:31 so can we just get going now, because your mouth annoys me.
01:37:35 You're an old lady.
01:37:37 Shouldn't you be in bed? It's past your bedtime.
01:37:44 Why do old ladies have curfews?
01:37:46 You're talking about children, you dumb cow.
01:37:49 I'm going to make a child out of you.
01:37:51 I'm going to prove to each and every one of these cows
01:37:54 that cow beats man. Come on.
01:37:59 Good thing I'm not a man then.
01:38:01 And then I want to play a quick game of hide the spider
01:38:03 and just shove my fist in his mouth.
01:38:06 That is a look roll because gross.
01:38:13 Look, so that is 9.
01:38:15 And we're going to contest that with a work roll
01:38:18 for Boy Cow's famous speed.
01:38:20 Absolutely. All the speed of a cow minus one.
01:38:24 That is cool. There we go. Had to get one of them.
01:38:29 Okay. So, yeah.
01:38:32 You guys, lovely.
01:38:34 You, oh, steak eyes. Steak eyes.
01:38:38 There we go. Nice.
01:38:40 Yeah, you shove your gnarly bug covered hand inside his mouth
01:38:45 with the aim of hiding a single spider.
01:38:47 But the spiders are famously pack animals.
01:38:52 And as one crawls inside his mouth,
01:38:54 just dozens more come from various parts of your clothes,
01:38:57 from your pockets, from your pouches.
01:38:59 A few start to crawl out of your ears.
01:39:00 One literally comes out from your eye,
01:39:02 like down your cheek and runs across your arm
01:39:04 until a whole swarm of them are now covering the body.
01:39:07 The boy cow, you can barely make out the black and white spots
01:39:12 underneath this writhing sea of arachnids.
01:39:15 On that critical fail, boy cow,
01:39:17 you're going to take another penalty for work
01:39:19 until you can find a way to get rid of these spiders.
01:39:22 I'm a minus two. Great.
01:39:25 Nards.
01:39:27 But we will let you respond to that.
01:39:29 All right. I am going to...
01:39:33 Okay. So, around my waist,
01:39:36 barely concealed underneath the thresh of arachnids,
01:39:41 is a slightly rotting leather pouch filled with fire water.
01:39:48 It's basically, I've concealed some sort of flamethrower udder system.
01:39:53 So I'm going to try and roll near one of these flaming torches,
01:39:59 and I'm going to try and spray a jet of milky fire water up
01:40:05 to catch fire,
01:40:07 and hoping that intense rush of heat and light will scatter these spiders.
01:40:13 That is a look roll if ever I saw it.
01:40:16 Milky fire water.
01:40:19 Is my look still down from the earlier match?
01:40:22 No, just per match.
01:40:23 Cool. So it's plus one again. Lovely stuff.
01:40:26 That, my friends, is ten.
01:40:30 Ten. So, exactly as you described it,
01:40:33 this luminescent jet of milk expunges the spiders from your body.
01:40:39 It is not enough to undo the effect of a critical fail.
01:40:42 There are still enough spiders inside you at this point
01:40:45 to really negatively affect your work.
01:40:47 But superficially on the outside, you just look like a regular old boy cow.
01:40:51 I'm telling you, old lady, you need to back off.
01:40:54 Don't let my cow tips go in one ear and out the other.
01:41:00 It's a double-barrelled one. I like it.
01:41:03 What are you doing, Auntie?
01:41:05 Well, first thing first, I'm like,
01:41:08 "My poor spiders are all burning, and my babies, my little babies."
01:41:12 You go, "Asshole."
01:41:14 Well, in that case, I'm going to go for the swat and squat.
01:41:20 What's that?
01:41:22 It's just, when I go right up to you,
01:41:26 I'm just going to slap you real hard, as hard as I can to the floor,
01:41:29 like just right across the face,
01:41:31 and I'm just going to sit on your stomach as hard as I can until you vomit.
01:41:35 That is horrible and also power.
01:41:40 A big cow.
01:41:42 He's a big lad.
01:41:44 Power.
01:41:46 Oh, that is a seven.
01:41:48 That is a seven. Just enough.
01:41:50 With a strength you do not expect for a woman this size.
01:41:54 A hand smacks you across the face, knocks you to the side.
01:41:58 You almost feel a tooth sort of loosen, but maybe no more than that.
01:42:01 You are now prone on your back with this tiny, gross insect lady
01:42:06 trying to put as much of a weight down on your stomach as possible.
01:42:09 I'm going to say, we'll have you do one more thing at this point, Auntie,
01:42:12 as you're in the mount position.
01:42:14 Well, I'm just going to, because I'm going to do it again,
01:42:18 and this time I really want him to be sick all over the place.
01:42:22 That's my goal.
01:42:23 I'm just going to jump on his stomach as hard as I can,
01:42:25 and also split that leather pouch open,
01:42:27 because I just get rid of all that fire water he's got left.
01:42:30 Just like that.
01:42:32 Good to have goals. Go for it. That's another power roll.
01:42:35 With the desire? I don't want to argue with you on this.
01:42:38 Power. Oh, that is a seven. No, it's a six.
01:42:43 It's a six.
01:42:45 It's going to take more than that to overcome the might of the mighty boy cow,
01:42:50 and it just is not enough.
01:42:52 His powerful bovine frame stands firm.
01:42:55 What are you doing, boy cow?
01:42:56 An iron cow-nstitution.
01:42:58 I am going to wrench one hand free, put it to my mouth, a high-pitched whistle.
01:43:06 It's time for the fillet team to enter the fray.
01:43:10 It's time for my boys, the cowling commandos, to execute high stakes,
01:43:14 and that is jump on Auntie Earwig.
01:43:18 It's the Tower of Cows again, right?
01:43:19 Tower of Cows.
01:43:20 Okay, that's a look roll, high stakes.
01:43:22 Is it just called the cower, then?
01:43:25 It can be. Cower of Doom. I like it.
01:43:28 So that is--oh, fuck me, though.
01:43:31 Fuck me, though.
01:43:32 [laughter]
01:43:34 It's another steak, guys.
01:43:37 I'm going to let that happen just because I'm interested.
01:43:40 Okay.
01:43:43 So first, talk us through your roster again as they make their way into the fray.
01:43:49 Oh, my boys.
01:43:50 Your boys.
01:43:52 Sir Loin, who is the leader, Chateau Brian, who is the money, the refined one,
01:44:00 Flank, who is the tactician, and Rump, the muscle.
01:44:05 Wonderful.
01:44:07 Lo, pick an insect.
01:44:08 Oh, no.
01:44:10 Pick an insect?
01:44:11 Pick an insect.
01:44:12 The flea.
01:44:16 Oh, okay, because this has the potential to get really dark.
01:44:23 I can do it if you want.
01:44:24 Where do you keep your fleas?
01:44:27 In the back of my hair and some under my armpit.
01:44:31 Depends how many I need.
01:44:33 You're going to need a lot of fleas, mate.
01:44:35 Okay, both armpits and the back of my head.
01:44:38 Okay, so the sort of loosely fitting hat that rests atop Auntie Earwig's head
01:44:45 starts to wobble a little bit, let that hat wobble, and tips off.
01:44:50 And as it does so, a swarm of -- now, fleas are incredibly small creatures.
01:44:55 You pretty much can't see them unless you're right up close.
01:44:57 So the fact that we can see this swarm of fleas suggests a flea density
01:45:02 and a flea volume almost unheard of in the natural world as they pour out
01:45:07 from ahead and bounce in this kind of undulating, sproingy mass of barely
01:45:12 perceptible black specks across the sands.
01:45:14 More do the same, dropping out from Auntie Earwig's armpits.
01:45:18 And because it's Auntie Earwig, even more come out of her ears.
01:45:22 And this kind of black cloud of fleas begin to swarm on a -- oh, it is the Old West.
01:45:28 On a steak eyes, on a steak eyes, the fleas just swarm over the Cowling Commandos.
01:45:35 They swarm over them until, once again, any sign of black and white spots
01:45:40 are obscured by this insectoid cloud.
01:45:44 You hear the mournful, painful, terrified cries of the Cowling Commandos reach
01:45:54 higher and higher and higher pitch and then suddenly stop.
01:45:59 And then all you can hear is this chattering, chattering, chattering,
01:46:02 chattering, chattering of something unspeakable.
01:46:07 Finally, when the swarm of fleas on a steak eyes dissipates, all that is left
01:46:16 in between you and the edge of the ring are the stripped clean carcasses
01:46:25 of your crack team of cows.
01:46:31 Oh, no.
01:46:34 So that's a minus one on luck again.
01:46:38 But we're going to let you respond.
01:46:43 I stop and I just look at her and I say, this is what it is, isn't it?
01:46:54 What we've always been.
01:46:57 Meat.
01:46:59 Meat for the humankind.
01:47:02 To fill their bellies.
01:47:05 To give them, to sate their bloodlusts.
01:47:09 I just wanted a better life for my kind.
01:47:13 That's all I wanted.
01:47:16 And now I've led them where I swore I'd never lead them, to the slaughterhouse.
01:47:24 And I just bow my head.
01:47:28 Barely seen outside of the confines of his luxurious accommodation,
01:47:32 Mayor Cash himself has made his way pen side to survey the scene.
01:47:40 He looks over at Auntie Yerwig, looks over at the defeated despondent
01:47:45 figure of Boy Cow, looks at the carcasses of his crack team and closest friends.
01:47:53 And a smile forms in the corner of his mouth.
01:47:58 Hail, hail, hail.
01:48:03 If you ask me, that's a job well done.
01:48:06 You're winner, the lovely Auntie Yerwig.
01:48:16 And you, sir, you get the hell out of my town.
01:48:24 I look around at the cows and I see once and for all that they have lost their faith in me.
01:48:33 I remove the boring from my nose.
01:48:38 I look around and in my eyes just offer them some sort of an apology.
01:48:42 I can't be the leader that they need.
01:48:45 And standing up on my hind legs, I walk out.
01:48:49 The cows part like the Red Sea.
01:48:54 And I just walk into the night and I'm gone.
01:49:01 There is a moment of silence.
01:49:04 And then Mayor Cash turns to Auntie Yerwig.
01:49:07 Would you do me the honor of walking me back to the squared circle and we can talk about your reward.
01:49:15 I don't like you. You smell weird now.
01:49:22 I don't like that he has no friends no more.
01:49:27 He should have friends. I got my books.
01:49:29 He should have his cows.
01:49:33 Wait a sec.
01:49:37 Yeah, I don't want to be hanging out with you no more.
01:49:40 I don't want to be in this town.
01:49:42 And I scamper off towards Boy Cow to give him a smelly arm around the shoulder and to offer him my giant beetles as new friends.
01:49:54 As you make your way into the desert to offer comfort and support to the cow whose friends you murdered.
01:50:04 Yeah, yeah, yeah. My best friends.
01:50:08 Mayor Cash shrugs his shoulders, smiles a crooked smile and makes his way back to the squared circle saloon.
01:50:18 And he arrives back at the squared circle just in time for the completion of the Tombstone Match arena.
01:50:28 Barbed cattle wire has been placed all around the outside, all across the top.
01:50:33 There is only a small doorway made out of barbed wire itself to enter.
01:50:38 The announcer makes his way off the apron out into the middle of the tables of the saloon to get everyone's attention.
01:50:45 Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to have ourselves a Tombstone Match.
01:50:54 We're making his way to the ring.
01:50:59 Hailing from Karen, North Carolina.
01:51:04 Juice Tex Mackina.
01:51:11 The entire facade has dropped.
01:51:15 Tex is terrified.
01:51:18 He's walks through the ring.
01:51:22 Completely like shell shocked by the news of what's happening in this match.
01:51:27 He tries to quietly grab the announcer before getting in.
01:51:31 People are trying to shake his hands on the way and sort of shrugging them off.
01:51:35 He grabs the announcer and grabs him and tries to whisper to him and goes, "What are the rules of this match again?"
01:51:47 "This is a Tombstone Match. There are no rules."
01:51:54 "You leave when he's dead or you leave in a coffin."
01:52:05 "I ain't never killed no one before."
01:52:08 "Well now is a damn good time to start."
01:52:12 And he just pushes you through the door and into the ring.
01:52:17 Clearly having a show to keep going with.
01:52:19 Making his way to the ring.
01:52:24 Hailing from even deathier valley, Texas.
01:52:26 Mad Dog McCree.
01:52:29 Old Mad Dog comes out the saloon doors.
01:52:33 He starts walking down into that ring flanked by his posse.
01:52:37 Oh, he's ready for a good time.
01:52:39 He's ready to do some killing.
01:52:41 He ain't done much killing today, but he's telling them, "I ran that boy K out of this town."
01:52:47 "I'm gonna run this dumbass kid out of this town as well."
01:52:51 "Everyone gonna respect the name of Mad Dog McCree."
01:52:55 "I'm the big dog of this yard if you will."
01:53:00 I step into the ring. Someone hands me a drink.
01:53:02 I smash it in their face.
01:53:04 Someone hands me another drink.
01:53:06 I take it. I drink it.
01:53:08 And then I smash it into the face of No-Ears Earl.
01:53:10 So he's now bleeding from the head.
01:53:12 "Come on boys. It's time for us to kill a child."
01:53:18 "Or maybe Billy the Kid Killer."
01:53:21 So as you make your way into the ring, the announcer puts a hand out and stops your eager gang,
01:53:28 who seem keen as biscuits to follow you in.
01:53:31 This is a tombstone match, I'm afraid.
01:53:34 Two men and two men alone.
01:53:36 And quickly closes the gate behind you.
01:53:38 Puts a long thick chain across it. Clanks the padlock into place.
01:53:41 "What do you mean there's no damn rules?"
01:53:44 "What do you mean they gotta be locked outside?"
01:53:46 "That don't make no sense."
01:53:47 "Who make the rules round here?"
01:53:50 "The following contest is scheduled to the death."
01:53:56 "To the death."
01:53:59 Then, "Dun dun dun."
01:54:01 He rings the big brass bell and the two of you are alone in the ring.
01:54:05 "Hey boy, these scars aren't drawn on you, no."
01:54:10 And as quickly as I possibly can, I draw a gun from my holster and try to shoot him.
01:54:15 Okay, that is going to be a real roll.
01:54:19 Although that said, I like starting these matches with these contested rolls.
01:54:22 What's the first thing you're doing?
01:54:24 In fact, we'll have your real roll against your work roll, I think, to see if you can dodge it.
01:54:29 Cool.
01:54:33 Six.
01:54:35 Eight.
01:54:36 Eight.
01:54:38 Oh yeah, instantly.
01:54:40 I just died.
01:54:42 Oh Christ, okay, where are you aiming exactly?
01:54:44 For his chest. I'm not going to pretend this is a fair fight.
01:54:48 Okay, so a nine isn't quite enough for an instant murder.
01:54:52 But yeah, you get a nice palpable hit somewhere into the pectoral muscle.
01:54:56 I'm not close enough for how it to be lethal, but...
01:55:02 Immediately, before, like, seconds after the bell has rung out,
01:55:06 a huge patch of blood starts to stain the pristine white clothes of Tex McAnatex.
01:55:11 What are you doing?
01:55:12 I've fallen to one knee and I'm just saying, "Please, sir, please, you've got to spare me.
01:55:18 I'm not who you think."
01:55:21 "Oh, who are you then, boy? Tell the world who the hell you are then."
01:55:29 I'm just--my name is Deuce Mackinac, but I'm just a boy from out east.
01:55:34 I'm just from Carolina.
01:55:36 I ain't ever killed no one before.
01:55:38 I ain't been shot. I've been in gunfights, sure, but nothing like this.
01:55:43 Nothing like this.
01:55:44 Just got lucky.
01:55:46 Gomez, in the Gulch, his gun backfired.
01:55:50 Caused a landslide.
01:55:51 I didn't do nothing.
01:55:53 Tailbone gang.
01:55:55 There was an earthquake and they were just swallowed up.
01:55:58 I buried them six feet under.
01:55:59 I didn't touch them.
01:56:01 Like naked men.
01:56:02 They just died of exposure.
01:56:07 The only person I ever shot was Hidalgo.
01:56:09 That's a dang horse.
01:56:11 He just didn't fight back.
01:56:13 You've got to spare me, sir.
01:56:16 My mama will be so upset.
01:56:21 Let me tell you something now, boy.
01:56:23 There's a mighty fine tale you weave there.
01:56:26 I knew you were full of shit.
01:56:29 I always knew.
01:56:31 But when you play with the big boys, you've got to play rough.
01:56:37 You may have killed no one before, but I've killed plenty.
01:56:42 And you know what?
01:56:43 I ain't killed today.
01:56:45 So I think it's about time I changed that.
01:56:49 I'm just going to try and shoot him again.
01:56:54 So that's going to be another real roll for you, definitely.
01:57:00 But let's see how well your legend is shaping up.
01:57:04 You can roll on look for this one if you want, Tex.
01:57:07 It's up to you.
01:57:10 Real, right?
01:57:12 Six.
01:57:13 Nine.
01:57:14 Nine.
01:57:17 Okay.
01:57:18 So quite simply, Mad Dog, with revolver still in hand,
01:57:23 fires another bullet at you.
01:57:25 And it whistles straight across your head,
01:57:28 punctures a hole straight in the top of your hat,
01:57:30 flies out the other side, ricochets off the barbed wire
01:57:37 on the -- yeah, the barbed wire surrounding the ring
01:57:40 and leaves you unharmed.
01:57:42 Seems like your luck hasn't entirely run out yet.
01:57:45 You got luck in here, boy.
01:57:47 You got lucky.
01:57:48 I'm just going to use that.
01:57:49 So I'm going to hold the gun out of bullets now to try
01:57:51 and crack him in the face with it.
01:57:53 So first we're going to get a response from Tex.
01:57:55 What are you doing?
01:57:56 Second shot missed.
01:57:58 I'm going to stand and say --
01:58:04 There's an old saying that says,
01:58:06 "Found a penny, pick it up, all day long you have good luck."
01:58:12 Well, I got a fistful of dollars.
01:58:14 What's that going to buy me?
01:58:15 A nice swing.
01:58:17 Power roll for a punch, easy.
01:58:21 Five, four.
01:58:24 I'm going to roll again because I'm going to say
01:58:27 that this is growing my legend.
01:58:29 This is me finally actually doing something,
01:58:32 like in front of people that they're going to respond to.
01:58:38 So yeah, maybe the first one whiffs,
01:58:40 and I'll just come in with an uppercut.
01:58:45 Much better.
01:58:47 That is a seven.
01:58:50 Yeah, the seven connects.
01:58:52 We'll only do contested rolls for gunshots,
01:58:54 but for regular wrestling moves, it's the same as always,
01:58:56 and that seven connects.
01:58:57 Your first one whiffs past, your uppercut, boom,
01:58:59 straight under his jaw.
01:59:00 A tooth flies loose.
01:59:02 It probably wasn't in there that securely in the first place.
01:59:05 And yeah, Malcolm McCree staggers back and tastes the tang
01:59:08 of his own blood in his mouth.
01:59:10 What are you doing, Mad Dog?
01:59:13 Yeah, so realizing that there are no more bullets left
01:59:16 within my gun, I'm just going to sort of hold it in my hand
01:59:18 with the attempt to just hit him in the face using the gun
01:59:21 as sort of like the attack, essentially.
01:59:24 Okay, because you're using a weapon,
01:59:26 you can still roll and reel for that, absolutely.
01:59:30 That'll be a seven.
01:59:32 A seven is just enough.
01:59:33 Bash straight in the face of Tex Machina.
01:59:36 Nose cracks to the side, a little bit more blood spurts
01:59:39 across his pristine white uniform.
01:59:41 The squeaky clean, pristine white legend is now bloodied
01:59:47 and dirtied and sullied.
01:59:49 What are you doing in response, Tex?
01:59:51 I am going to draw my gun, and I'm going to aim at him,
01:59:58 and I'm going to say, "Give up, Mad Dog.
02:00:02 "You're out, and I've still got lead.
02:00:07 "I ain't killed before, but it's always a first time."
02:00:14 Boy, you ain't got the gumption to pull that trigger.
02:00:19 Look at you, shaking like a shitting dog.
02:00:24 You ain't going to pull nothing.
02:00:27 I mean it, Mad Dog.
02:00:29 Oh, I mean it.
02:00:30 Sit down, boy.
02:00:31 I mean it too, kid.
02:00:33 Come on.
02:00:34 I dare you.
02:00:36 Go on, shoot me, you yellow-sum bitch.
02:00:39 Try and shoot me in that little pretty face of mine.
02:00:42 See if you can.
02:00:44 I pull the hammer back.
02:00:47 Finger on the trigger.
02:00:49 Oh, it's going to be--
02:00:50 Look at him, boys.
02:00:51 He's got his finger on the trigger now.
02:00:54 Everyone's watching you.
02:00:56 What you going to do about it, kid?
02:00:58 What you going to do?
02:01:04 I ain't like you, Mad Dog.
02:01:06 I just fire bullet after bullet into the ceiling, emptying my gun.
02:01:12 It's what I thought.
02:01:14 With that, I wolf whistle, and no-nose gnoll slides in,
02:01:21 sort of like a bit of broken bar, like broken off the bar itself,
02:01:26 just like a bit of wood.
02:01:28 Try to slide it through the cage itself into my hands.
02:01:30 Okay, so make a roll on look.
02:01:32 This is going to need--
02:01:33 Because this is a steel cage match, you're going to need a--
02:01:37 You're going to need a hard success to get that.
02:01:39 What?
02:01:40 This is a steel cage match, man.
02:01:42 Yeah, I know.
02:01:44 Nope, it's a three.
02:01:50 Yeah, no-nose gnoll--
02:01:52 Damn it, gnoll!
02:01:53 No-nose gnoll is--
02:01:55 He tries to find the nearest thing he can.
02:01:57 He picks up a lump of wood, tries to shove it inside.
02:02:00 He just can't get there.
02:02:01 One of the bar hands sort of catches him doing it,
02:02:04 and you see no-nose gnoll is now sort of getting ushered out
02:02:07 by the shoulders away from the ring.
02:02:10 I'm going to take your goddamn eyes next time, boy.
02:02:12 I'm going to take your goddamn eyes, you useless piece of trash.
02:02:15 I'm going to point to gnoll as he's being escorted out and say,
02:02:18 "People have grabbed his gulch.
02:02:20 Is this the shit you're going to stand for?
02:02:23 I'm locked in this cage to die against Mad Dog McCree,
02:02:27 and he's trying to cheat, just like he's trying to cheat all of you
02:02:30 out of your hard earnings, out of your dream to come here
02:02:33 and find a better life for yourself.
02:02:36 Are you going to let it stand?
02:02:37 Are you going to let this gang run this town?
02:02:39 This foolish child over here."
02:02:43 Roll on look, please, Tex.
02:02:47 It's an eight.
02:02:48 It's an eight.
02:02:49 The audience starts to murmur on themselves and nod, like, "Hmm, yeah."
02:02:53 They sort of start to look at Mad Dog, and then there's a few hisses,
02:02:56 then "Boo! Boo! Boo!"
02:02:59 "Come on, kid! You get him, kid! You show him what's what!
02:03:03 Boo! Boo!"
02:03:04 And people start shouting, "Tex! Tex! Tex! Tex! Tex! Tex! Tex! Tex! Tex! Tex!"
02:03:11 Okay, and off the back of that, I'm going to run in
02:03:13 and go for the Hurricane Karma.
02:03:16 Go for it. Roll on 2D6.
02:03:19 That is not very good.
02:03:21 That is a four.
02:03:23 But I'm guessing, because I'm standing up for what I believe in,
02:03:26 I'm going to go full whack.
02:03:28 And, yeah, this is the dream that I believed.
02:03:33 I think this is the thing with Tex is he believes in the dream of the West.
02:03:36 He believes you can come out here and you can make a name for yourself,
02:03:39 and this is him standing up for that.
02:03:41 This is the first time ever that he's actually tried to rally the people
02:03:46 and not just live off a lie.
02:03:48 This is him legitimately doing that.
02:03:51 Okay, make that roll.
02:03:53 - It's going to fail. - It's 2D6.
02:03:56 It's a four.
02:03:58 It's a four.
02:04:00 Yeah, you try to go in for your finisher,
02:04:03 but you've been bleeding out, you're wounded, you're tired,
02:04:06 and it just doesn't land, and it's almost kind of a pathetic display
02:04:09 against the gnarly form of Mountain of the Creed.
02:04:12 Because it's like a Hurricane Ryan, can I sort of catch him
02:04:15 in the sort of powerbomb position and then just throw him against the cage?
02:04:19 Absolutely. So you can make a--
02:04:21 Well, I think on that fail--
02:04:23 Yeah, well, make a power roll for me, see how well it lands.
02:04:26 It definitely doesn't hit.
02:04:28 That'll be an eight.
02:04:30 That's enough. Yeah, you throw him against the cage,
02:04:33 your body instantly lacerated by the barbed wire,
02:04:37 and you flop back down onto the mat again.
02:04:39 Mad Dog, what are you doing?
02:04:41 I'm going to pick him up by the scruff of his lapels,
02:04:44 and I'm going to shove him against the barbed wire grate again,
02:04:48 but this time just drag his body down it.
02:04:50 That's a power roll.
02:04:52 Power, it's not my good one.
02:04:54 Is it not real?
02:04:56 Ooh, you know what? Yeah, that is real.
02:04:58 It does feel a bit real, doesn't it?
02:05:01 And that is going to make that a seven.
02:05:05 That is a seven.
02:05:07 No, it's actually going to make it a ten. What am I doing? I'm bad at maths.
02:05:10 Yes, you are, my friend.
02:05:12 On that ten, you scrape Tex Mackinac across this barbed wire.
02:05:17 The uniform, the costume almost, of the myth he pretended to be
02:05:22 is torn to shreds.
02:05:25 His back and body marked by the slash marks
02:05:30 of the multiple wounds he suffered over the course of the match.
02:05:33 And in the course of ripping, has that by any chance created some sort of gap
02:05:38 in this cage that someone might, I don't know,
02:05:41 slide a glass into or something?
02:05:44 Are you asking me, is boy stronger than steel?
02:05:47 [LAUGHTER]
02:05:49 I'm asking if this boy is stronger than steel.
02:05:52 [LAUGHTER]
02:05:53 This boy is not as strong as he pretended to be.
02:05:56 But yeah, let's have something from Tex. Tex, what are you doing?
02:05:59 Yeah, you've just...
02:06:00 Playing.
02:06:01 Yeah, so you're in pain, your body is torn apart.
02:06:04 You are bleeding out in so many places.
02:06:06 You are in a bad way.
02:06:08 Once again, Laurie Blake, you might very well be dying.
02:06:12 It's my gimmick.
02:06:13 [LAUGHTER]
02:06:15 We didn't know players had gimmicks. They do.
02:06:18 I am just, yeah, I think I am just down.
02:06:22 I've tried to rally the crowd. I've tried to get them to rise up.
02:06:28 I think all I'm going to say is I sort of fall to one side.
02:06:33 People at Grappler's Gulch, take back your town.
02:06:41 Take it back.
02:06:47 That's going to be another look roll.
02:06:51 Nine.
02:06:52 Oh, sorry, look, ten.
02:06:54 Ten.
02:06:57 Yeah, seeing the side of this person genuinely standing up for what the West could be,
02:07:04 as much as a falsehood and illusion that might be,
02:07:07 someone genuinely seeing the West as a place for people to accomplish their dreams,
02:07:13 people to make a better life for themselves.
02:07:15 The hard-working folk of Grappler's Gulch are moved by your words.
02:07:19 And they came here for blood, but they see something different now.
02:07:23 And what was once purely bloodsport entertainment now seems to stand for something else,
02:07:30 as they watch this flawed but fundamentally good man try to stand for something that matters,
02:07:38 as this amoral monster tears into shreds and they begin to advance on the ring.
02:07:43 What are you doing, Matt Dock?
02:07:45 So sort of seeing this and kind of feeling the groundswell,
02:07:49 just from out of his sleeve, he sort of shunks his arm down.
02:07:53 There are no weapons allowed in here, but he has brought a knife to this gunfight.
02:07:57 And he's going to try and conceal it so that no one sees that he's brought this weapon in
02:08:02 to attempt to stab him in the neck.
02:08:07 He started with a gun.
02:08:10 Yeah, but then I ran out of bullets.
02:08:13 Okay, so even in your blood-soaked stupor, Tex, you are able to see what Matt Dock is trying to do.
02:08:26 As your heart beats, you watch his hand move to this concealed place and draw out this knife.
02:08:32 He looks you in the eye.
02:08:34 You know what's about to happen.
02:08:36 You know that you are mere moments away from death,
02:08:40 but as much as the crowd are behind you and behind what you stand for,
02:08:44 they will not reach you in time.
02:08:47 If Matt Dock stabs you, you will die.
02:08:52 What are you doing?
02:08:54 What is the one thing you do in this moment?
02:08:56 What you going to do, boy?
02:08:58 Well, I took one of my guns out of my holster, and I fired that gun into the air, not to kill Matt Dock.
02:09:04 So I'm going to go for a lucky shot.
02:09:06 I'm going to pull the other gun out and attempt to shoot the knife from his hand.
02:09:10 Well, that is definitely a look roll, and my friends, this is a contested roll of your real Matt Dock against Tex's look.
02:09:21 Mine is a 10 with my +1.
02:09:26 It was a 10.
02:09:30 Okay.
02:09:33 I am going to use a reroll.
02:09:40 I'm going to basically use my heal reroll, because I've essentially said I'm going to win this fair and square,
02:09:46 and I'm trying to stab him in the neck and try and lie to the people.
02:09:51 Goddamn it, I rolled a 10 again.
02:09:54 My +1 is 10.
02:09:56 So that is a stone cold draw at this point.
02:10:01 Oh.
02:10:04 Okay.
02:10:05 So it's just going to go into overtime.
02:10:08 That is a draw.
02:10:09 You whip your gun out.
02:10:11 Your knife moves towards his neck.
02:10:15 On a draw.
02:10:18 I think we're just going to have you both roll again.
02:10:22 In fact, hold on, Matt Dock.
02:10:23 Don't you have another reroll?
02:10:25 I do have another reroll.
02:10:27 So I can say that that was my other reroll that I've just done, and that is my +1 is 9.
02:10:34 So, Tex, you pull out your gun.
02:10:38 You point it at the knife.
02:10:40 You pull the trigger.
02:10:41 The bullet shoots past, and it misses by a hair's breadth, shoots across the ring, bounces off a turnbuckle,
02:10:50 bounces off a curl of barbed wire, bounces off the mat, bounces back off another piece of wire,
02:10:56 goes back straight through the hole in the top of your hat, and knocks the knife out of Mad Dog's hand and onto the ground.
02:11:08 Where'd that knife come from?
02:11:13 So as the bullet knocks the knife out of Mad Dog's hand, the knife itself starts to spin through the air out of Mad Dog's palm,
02:11:22 and then crossing, what, the distance of half a foot, it just very quickly, very suddenly, and without any grace,
02:11:29 without any showmanship, thunk, settles right in the center of his forehead, and he falls dead to the ground.
02:11:42 I'm gonna stand up, walk over the body of Mad Dog, turn to the crowd and say,
02:11:53 "Wise man once said that the best way to deal with death is to ride away from it."
02:11:58 Or I guess hope that something really fucking lucky happens.
02:12:03 Your town's saved.
02:12:07 You had as good luck as I did today.
02:12:11 And Tex just makes his way up the ramp, through the velvet curtains, and he is gone from sight.
02:12:26 The audience are just silent for a long moment, just staring at the body of Mad Dog lying lifeless and prone on the mat,
02:12:36 and we fade to black on the squared circle saloon.
02:12:46 One last moment.
02:12:50 We find ourselves now on a steam ferry, making its way across the Atlantic Ocean,
02:12:57 leaning against the railings, a hulking figure, its head obscured by a dark cloth.
02:13:09 A drunk reveller who's just come from the ship's bar sways his way over with a bottle of beer in his hand,
02:13:17 rests an elbow on the railing, and looks up at this big figure.
02:13:23 "Gee, you're a big fella, ain't ya? Where are you headed?"
02:13:32 I reach into a pocket. I pull out this little beetle, and I release it into the wind.
02:13:46 "I'm headed to England. I've lived my life amongst cows, but now I think, why might I try to live my life amongst people?"
02:14:04 "Oh, I'm headed to England myself. Where's your final destination?"
02:14:12 "I've heard of a place. Maybe suitable for a someone like me. A place in North Yorkshire called Puddington."
02:14:26 "Puddington? But that's a dairy town."
02:14:32 "What can I say? I guess milk is just in my blood."
02:14:40 "Yes!"
02:14:43 And that's it for this episode of No Rolls Barred. We will see you next time.
02:14:50 That's all we've got time for. We hope you loved watching that as much as we loved filming it.
02:14:54 However, if you want to help us choose the next one-shot for No Rolls Barred, then you need to become one of our patrons.
02:15:00 Go to patreon.com/norollsbarred, like these legends you see scrolling underneath me right now.
02:15:07 There you'll find a fan vote that will be up very, very shortly. That will help you choose the one that's airing next month.
02:15:12 And then hopefully we'll be able to do season two, but if not, there'll be another one after that.
02:15:18 Thank you so much for watching. Please subscribe to PartsFarKnown. We'll see you soon.
02:15:22 Jam that jam!

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