Filmed in New York during the pandemic, David Cross discusses topics like microchipping and interesting encounters he’s had while living in Brooklyn.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00:00Look, you know, I was able to make it work for myself, and, you know, I consider that,
00:00:18I don't consider myself lucky because I work super hard to get where I am, and I've been
00:00:23really successful, but, like, be creatively fulfilled and be professionally fulfilled.
00:00:28You know, I was always focused on taking the artistic road, you know what I mean?
00:00:33Man, I know that's hard because making that choice, that's a big risk.
00:00:37I took it.
00:00:38I was able to succeed.
00:00:40But now, you know, that's not for everybody.
00:00:43Good citizens of Brooklyn, New York.
00:00:45Oh, shit.
00:00:46Please welcome to the stage David Cross.
00:00:49Give me a call.
00:00:50Excuse me.
00:00:51Excuse me.
00:00:53Out of the way.
00:00:54Coming through.
00:00:54Move, move, move, move, move.
00:00:57Excuse me.
00:00:58Pardon me.
00:01:00Coming through.
00:01:01Cameraman.
00:01:03Here we go, Rowling.
00:01:04Here we go, Rowling.
00:01:06As prisoner number 187-659-3210 was being led to the delousing showers, she began to reflect
00:01:35upon her first eight days at Auschwitz after having been rounded up from her home and all
00:01:41and all her property and possessions destroyed or looted as her once friendly neighbors jeered at and spit on her and her children as they were pistol whipped and sent into the train cars along with other Jews and gay people and the disabled, etc., etc.
00:01:58And upon arrival at the camp watched helplessly as her children were taken from her and marched into the woods just beyond the barbed wire and the guard towers, a sound of gunshots and screams punctuating the barking orders of the Nazi soldiers as she was taken to have her head shaved and her arm tattooed and during vicious experiments and slow starvation.
00:02:23And as she was shoved back into the line for the delousing shower, it began to occur to her that perhaps these weren't showers after all and that this might be nothing that she would ever return from.
00:02:38And as the doors were sealed shut and the Zyklon B gas dispensed and she watched as everyone futilely clawed at the door and the window until they all succumbed one by one, what were her final thoughts?
00:02:57This is very much like that time the government required me to get vaccinated against the Spanish flu.
00:03:08It's the same thing.
00:03:15It's really very, it's very similar.
00:03:20It's a similar scenario.
00:03:24Some would say the exact same thing.
00:03:28It's the exact same thing.
00:03:38Good night.
00:03:39Thank you for coming.
00:03:44Thank you guys so much for coming down here.
00:03:46This is the last of our shows.
00:03:48I can already hear my voice going because I yell a little later.
00:03:52I'm going to yell a couple of times.
00:03:53And this has been so much fun and thank you so much for coming.
00:03:58And also thank you.
00:04:00Everybody here is vaccinated.
00:04:02Had to show their proof of vaccination.
00:04:03Yeah.
00:04:04Everybody's got a vaccine.
00:04:05Good.
00:04:08That's great for obvious reasons, but mostly because you know what that means.
00:04:13No fucking cops.
00:04:14Ha ha ha.
00:04:15Cop free zone, motherfucker.
00:04:16Yeah.
00:04:17All right.
00:04:18That's great.
00:04:19And just say, so what, which vaccines did everybody get?
00:04:22Pfizer?
00:04:23Moderna?
00:04:24Moderna?
00:04:25Moderna?
00:04:26Moderna?
00:04:27Moderna?
00:04:28Moderna?
00:04:29Moderna?
00:04:30Moderna?
00:04:31Moderna?
00:04:32Moderna?
00:04:33Moderna?
00:04:34Moderna?
00:04:35Moderna?
00:04:36Moderna?
00:04:37Moderna?
00:04:38Moderna?
00:04:39Moderna?
00:04:40Moderna?
00:04:41Moderna?
00:04:42Moderna?
00:04:43So they are all three.
00:04:44JJ?
00:04:45Yes.
00:04:46OK.
00:04:47So there are...
00:04:48I heard three J.
00:04:49I heard a JJ.
00:04:50And then over here...
00:04:51And there was one over here, right?
00:04:53Just the...
00:04:54Four of you all.
00:04:56OK.
00:04:58OK.
00:04:59Um...
00:05:02Well I'm so sorry, but uh, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
00:05:07Excuse me?
00:05:11Well, I don't care. You got the Johnson & Johnson shot, and you need to be with your own kind.
00:05:23I was in Canada for when the vaccine was made available. I'll get to all that stuff in a bit.
00:05:30But it was a much different situation in Canada.
00:05:33And, you know, we read and watched with kind of jealousy, like everybody in the States getting, not everybody, prior people noted.
00:05:46So you all got your vaccine by injection, right?
00:05:50Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
00:05:53In Canada, well, yeah, I know it's not the right thing.
00:05:56It was, um, mine was a gummy, so that can't be right.
00:06:04Okay, but, all right, so I know what vaccine you all got.
00:06:06Which microchip did everybody get?
00:06:09What did you elect to get?
00:06:125G, Bill Gates, which one?
00:06:15I haven't heard that one.
00:06:16Which one?
00:06:18NVIDIA?
00:06:20Oh.
00:06:21Yeah, you took it literally.
00:06:23Okay, great.
00:06:24That's one way to do a joke.
00:06:26That's one way.
00:06:27Start here.
00:06:28Come right back around the other way.
00:06:30Maybe you'll pass something funny along the way.
00:06:32Maybe you won't.
00:06:32Maybe you won't.
00:06:34Okay, good.
00:06:37I got, I went with it for two reasons.
00:06:41I opted to get the microchip implanted by the liberal Jew-run media.
00:06:48Yeah?
00:06:49Yeah?
00:06:50Okay.
00:06:50For me, my reason was on the off chance I know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody,
00:06:56you know, just in case the shit goes down.
00:06:57And then, also, it was the only one, the only chip that came in mixed berry.
00:07:02So, yeah.
00:07:04I feel like I should say that, to be honest, totally honest, I didn't do it for your safety,
00:07:13the safety of others.
00:07:14I didn't do it for my safety.
00:07:16I was reluctant to get a vaccine until I found out that it would turn you into a magnet.
00:07:23And then, I was like, fuck yeah.
00:07:25And I was, because I heard that it was all on, you know, YouTube videos of people going to town council meetings all over the country,
00:07:33all over the place.
00:07:34And there's tons of them.
00:07:35And they were all upset because it was, the vaccine was going to turn people into magnets.
00:07:42And that's the true purpose.
00:07:43And I was like, I want to be a magnet.
00:07:46I'll fucking, I jumped at it.
00:07:49Just give me the fucking magnet vaccine.
00:07:51I don't care which one.
00:07:52I don't care where it is.
00:07:52I'll go to a van under an overpass, like, you know, with no windows and just like, oh, yeah.
00:07:58What do you got?
00:07:59What do you got for me?
00:07:59Well, take some pints anyway.
00:08:01I don't care.
00:08:02I want to be, why would you refuse magnet powers?
00:08:07The government is giving away free magnet powers.
00:08:11That's awesome.
00:08:12I would happily jump on that.
00:08:14Fucking go to your, you know, give me that.
00:08:16You know, however it works.
00:08:18I don't know.
00:08:18You turn it on or off and just like, fuck with everybody's cell phones and compasses.
00:08:22We're lost.
00:08:23Now you're triple lost.
00:08:24All right.
00:08:26Go to, go to the beach with those, you know, old guys.
00:08:29Like, hey, watch this motherfucker.
00:08:31Of ancient Viking sword.
00:08:33Oh, my God.
00:08:37I would so, I would love to have magnet powers.
00:08:41So they would go to these, you know, the town council meetings and they'd get, they're
00:08:47livid and they're upset and they're, they're proving because they got the vaccine and now
00:08:52it's, now they've turned into a magnet and they take a spoon or, you know, some cutlery
00:09:01and, and then they would, they would go, watch, watch.
00:09:06And then it would stick for a second.
00:09:10And then it would, drop off.
00:09:13Literally 100% of the time, every single solitary time, the cutlery would fall off.
00:09:21Because of course, they're not a magnet because there's nothing that can turn you into a fucking
00:09:28magnet.
00:09:29We can't turn human beings into magnets.
00:09:32So they, and it would stick for a second, second and a half, you know, because they were
00:09:37sweaty.
00:09:37And, um, and sweating is an involuntary reaction that your body has to lying.
00:09:45Uh, and these, like how, and they, and they're, it's, they're falling off.
00:09:53Literally, there's hundreds of them.
00:09:55They're falling off and then they're, you know, trying to save face for, for whatever
00:09:59that's worth at this point.
00:10:00And just like, you know, it's not, okay, well now it's not, it was, but now it's not because
00:10:06of the chemtrails.
00:10:08Those chemtrails are demagnifying me.
00:10:10Like, well, I thought, wait a second, you were in here last week screaming at us about
00:10:15chemtrails.
00:10:15You didn't, so you liked the chemtrails?
00:10:17No, I mean for the anti-magnet, but I'd rather have not, I'd rather no magnet.
00:10:23How much time is it?
00:10:25Is my allotted time up yet?
00:10:26Can I go?
00:10:27Can I go?
00:10:29Oh, those poor guys.
00:10:31Anyway, so as I said, I was, uh, stuck in Canada.
00:10:34I had to go.
00:10:35I was here for when it all started.
00:10:38All the shit was going down and, and nobody knew what was happening and it was, uh, very
00:10:42scary and horrific and nobody knew what to do.
00:10:45And, and, uh, and then, uh, it finally started to open up a little bit and that's when I had
00:10:53to go to Canada, uh, which I assumed they'd have their shit together, but they, oh, Canada.
00:11:00Um, they did not.
00:11:02And, uh, and, uh, and we were, we were there.
00:11:04My, my whole family was there and, and, uh, you know, you weren't allowed to go back and
00:11:08forth and, and we, it was stay at home orders.
00:11:10It was locked down except for two weeks in early March.
00:11:12Uh, it was just locked down.
00:11:14There was nothing to do.
00:11:15I thought I'd be able to do standup.
00:11:16I didn't.
00:11:16My point being that I didn't get to do standup for a year and a half, which is an eternity.
00:11:23If you're a standup, it's the easily, easily the most narcissistic, uh, job you can have.
00:11:32It's I get on stage in front of strangers.
00:11:34I'm like, I, I'm going to, I'm going to make you listen to me for an hour.
00:11:40Fuck it.
00:11:41Fuck that.
00:11:41Not, and I'm going to charge it.
00:11:43I'm going to, I'm going to charge you to listen.
00:11:46And it, the narcissism is insane.
00:11:48So I, I'm just saying that I, I truly, literally dreamed of this.
00:11:54I mean, this is this, I, these, this moment, I mean, I, I, I just, I dreamed of it.
00:11:59And, uh, you know, I was wearing a, a different outfit, uh, but it was like, it was like, um,
00:12:06like a one piece mechanic, uh, like a jumps, what do you call coveralls?
00:12:10They were like coveralls I was wearing, which I've never worn.
00:12:12I've never owned coveralls.
00:12:13I've never worn them.
00:12:14Uh, and, but they were kind of nice.
00:12:15They weren't like greasy or anything.
00:12:16It was, it was understood in the dream that these were kind of, you know, not like a
00:12:20tux t-shirt, but it was just like a, uh, a nice, nice coveralls.
00:12:24And then, and we were, uh, uh, uh, we were, it was, it was at this, um, it was in my house,
00:12:29but not in my real house, but in the dream, it was my house, you know, but I've never been
00:12:33there in real life, but you know, and then, and, and you were there and we were, um, and
00:12:37we were like hosting this party.
00:12:39The two of us were like, we, I, we were like generally the hosts, I couldn't tell you what
00:12:42the thing was, but it was very fancy.
00:12:43And there were people out on the lawn and, you know, there were people, servers with
00:12:47champagne and stuff.
00:12:48And it was just very fancy.
00:12:49And we knew we were a little bit nervous about it.
00:12:51We started, uh, making out at one point.
00:12:53And then, and then, and then it kind of switched.
00:12:55And we were in this like old pantry, like, uh, um, like a big, but a big pantry, like a
00:13:00walk-in pantry.
00:13:01And we're looking for something and, and then we made out again, but this time with, with
00:13:04fingers.
00:13:05And, uh, and, and then, but then we started getting nervous, right?
00:13:09Because, uh, uh, so we heard that Fran Drescher, somebody comes in and Fran Drescher's here,
00:13:15Fran Drescher's here.
00:13:16And we're like, oh shit.
00:13:17And it became really important to us in the dream.
00:13:20Uh, it became really important, uh, to let everybody know, to make sure they knew that,
00:13:24uh, it's like Fran Drescher, uh, she's a, she's not really a nanny.
00:13:30She's an actress playing a nanny.
00:13:32Everybody, everybody needs to know that.
00:13:34And then, and then, and then, uh, uh, uh, and then, and then it kind of switched again
00:13:40because I, I had to take a shit.
00:13:42So then everything, the rest of the dream was, uh, me, uh, just running around going
00:13:49like, oh, I got to take a shit.
00:13:50Is this, oh, this bathroom is, the water's running.
00:13:52It's not, it's broken.
00:13:53And, uh, what about in here?
00:13:54Oh, it's occupied.
00:13:55And it was 20 minutes of walking around this house going like, what about here?
00:13:59Oh, there's the, that's too hot.
00:14:01Okay, what about here?
00:14:02Oh, the lid is broken.
00:14:02And then, um, and then I woke up, uh, cause I had to take a shit.
00:14:12And that is about how I'd say roughly 20% of my dreams go now that I'm, now that I'm
00:14:20older, uh, I find like 20% of my dream, I'll be, something will be happening and then
00:14:27it'll just switch to like, oh, I got to take a shit, you know?
00:14:29And like, good, good, fun dreams, like fun dreams.
00:14:32Like I'm part of this international team and we're scuba diving and there's like this wreck
00:14:37that we have to go and we have to find this like vial in the wreck.
00:14:41And then I'm like, this is, and we're all, you know, uh, uh, you know, signaling each
00:14:44other.
00:14:44And like, we're getting close to the thing.
00:14:46I'm like, oh, hang on.
00:14:47I got to go back to the boat.
00:14:48I got to go back to the boat.
00:14:49Hey, is there, where's the toilet on this thing?
00:14:51I can help me get this wetsuit off.
00:14:52You know, um, or like, you know, my high school crush is trying to blow me and I'm
00:14:58like, this is great.
00:14:59I always, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry.
00:15:00Hang on.
00:15:01I don't, where's your, where's your toilet?
00:15:03Just hang on to stay there.
00:15:04Maybe, you know, make an omelet or something.
00:15:06I'll get, where's the toilet?
00:15:07And I realized that that dream will never end satisfactorily.
00:15:18Uh, I hope, or maybe it will.
00:15:23Maybe it will.
00:15:26That'll be a double-edged sword.
00:15:28Just in the dream, like I'm running around 20 minutes, like, oh, finally.
00:15:32And I'm like, uh, what?
00:15:34Oh, no.
00:15:37Oh, no, I'm old.
00:15:45You know, in the very beginning, when we knew very, very, very little about COVID, what to
00:15:50do, what its causes were, and one of the very first things they said was, one of the symptoms,
00:15:56you'll know you have it, is if you lose your sense of taste or smell.
00:16:02But, so, without a mind, trying to be safe, every night before I'd go to bed, on the side
00:16:10of the bed, I would take a dump.
00:16:17And then first thing, when I woke up, first thing, wake up, I would lean over,
00:16:22and I would take a little taste.
00:16:27And I'd go, nope.
00:16:33That's shit.
00:16:34That tastes like shit.
00:16:36We're good to go, honey.
00:16:37We're good to go.
00:16:38But this is just, it's so great that we can do this, that we can all do this and gather
00:16:49here.
00:16:50And because we got vaccinated and because, you know, we wore masks and we all acted like
00:16:58responsible adults, we can do this.
00:17:02We can gather and do this and not die.
00:17:06You know?
00:17:06It's a good feeling.
00:17:08Because all over America, they're gathering and doing this, going to a show like this.
00:17:15Not like this.
00:17:16Probably more of a Jason Aldean, Travis Tritt, you know, Jim Brewer vibe to it.
00:17:23But they're gathering, they're gathering in a space like this, unvaccinated, unmasked.
00:17:29And some of those people will die.
00:17:35They will die of COVID.
00:17:37They'll get COVID and they'll die.
00:17:40And it's important for me to, to me that, to, that you know that, you know, I take no
00:17:49more than a little bit of joy in that.
00:17:53You know, you know, that they will die of COVID because people are going to die of COVID.
00:18:04That's just fact.
00:18:06We know that.
00:18:06That's a number.
00:18:07So those are the people that should die from COVID.
00:18:12Those are the, I mean, who knows how many people they've infected and unwittingly killed,
00:18:15how many people they've made orphans or widows or widowers.
00:18:18I mean, so, so people are going to die of COVID.
00:18:20Those should be the people that die.
00:18:24And, um, uh, and it's, it's what, what I'm saying is it's okay to wish them dead.
00:18:34It's all right.
00:18:36I'm giving you permission to wish them dead.
00:18:38It's, it's all right.
00:18:39Uh, uh, you know, don't be a dick about it.
00:18:42Don't, don't, you know, don't go on TV and, uh, say it, but, uh, you know, just quietly in
00:18:58here, in your heart, you can wish them dead.
00:19:04And the reason it's okay to wish them dead is because wishes have no power.
00:19:15It's okay.
00:19:16It's fine.
00:19:18It's okay.
00:19:20You can wish for whatever the fuck you want.
00:19:22Doesn't mean you're going to get it.
00:19:24Wishes have no power.
00:19:25Wish away, wish, wish away.
00:19:29It's fine.
00:19:31In fact, wishes have, and this is scientific fact, wishes have exactly as much power as
00:19:37prayer does.
00:19:38Same thing.
00:19:39Same thing.
00:19:40You have a hundred people praying for something here and a hundred people wishing for the same
00:19:44thing.
00:19:44Same results every single time.
00:19:47It's that same time.
00:19:48Now, if those people, those two groups could get together and combine their absurdist, ineffective
00:19:57things, oh my gosh, the power they would have.
00:20:02I wish that your prayer would come true.
00:20:04Well, I pray that your wish comes true.
00:20:07A deal was struck and nothing ever changed.
00:20:17And so it's, it is, uh, it is great that we can do this and not worry.
00:20:23And, uh, as I said, I was, I was here, uh, as I assume most of you were when the, uh, when
00:20:28the pandemic first hit, when nobody knew what the fuck was going on.
00:20:31It was really scary.
00:20:32We were the epicenter.
00:20:33It started here.
00:20:34And, uh, and there were, uh, uh, you know, hundreds of people dying every day.
00:20:38There were freezer trucks because there were too many, their body bags in the streets and
00:20:42they were having to dig up makeshift graveyards in the park.
00:20:44And it was fucking nuts.
00:20:45And there's sirens 24 seven, everything's locked down.
00:20:48And then, you know, eventually the, the, the virus started spreading and, you know, uh,
00:20:54I'm sure you're doing what we were all doing, you know, going, you know, when's it going
00:20:58to get to Arkansas?
00:20:59Come on.
00:21:02Hurry up.
00:21:04And, and, uh, um, and it's one of the things I'm proud of, of being, uh, uh, living in New
00:21:17York and I'm proud of the, of the way New York reacts to adversity and, uh, and, uh, and
00:21:23does the right thing.
00:21:24And we all acted maturely.
00:21:25And, um, and, you know, when, when they said, when we didn't know what was going on and they,
00:21:32they said, we're working on a vaccine, we'll get to it, but we're going as quick as we can.
00:21:36But in the meantime, the thing that you can do, the, the, the single greatest thing you
00:21:41can do is to, to mitigate the spread is to wear a mask and New York, uh, New York City's
00:21:49reaction was, uh, um, what do you want us to do?
00:21:54Wear a mask.
00:21:56Okay.
00:21:57And, and we wore a mask and, uh, I mean, everybody, pretty much everybody.
00:22:02I mean, uh, uh, even junkies.
00:22:05I'm so.
00:22:07Let me tell you this.
00:22:08New York City has the best junkies of any city in America.
00:22:14We have the best, most conscientious junkies, even the junkies, all our junkies wore masks.
00:22:20Part of the social contract.
00:22:22They get it.
00:22:23They were, they're all like, you know, sitting there going like, well, it's, it's not the
00:22:35most comfortable thing, but I guess it's for the good of society.
00:22:44Even the junkies wore masks.
00:22:47It's true.
00:22:48But all over the rest of America, their reaction to being asked to wear a mask was, no.
00:23:02Oh, well, it's just that we don't know and you can spread the, uh, uh, the, uh, virus and,
00:23:08you know, it's for kids.
00:23:08No.
00:23:09Well, just because of little kids.
00:23:10No.
00:23:11Well, and also the elderly are very sensitive.
00:23:14No.
00:23:16And the immunocompromised.
00:23:17I'm sorry, but if you could just wear a mask, it'll help so many people.
00:23:20No, I will not wear a mask, a mask, a mask.
00:23:27How fucking dare you ask me to wear a mask during a pandemic?
00:23:34Are you fucking kidding me?
00:23:35That's tyranny, motherfucker.
00:23:37And the answer is no.
00:23:40Fuck you.
00:23:41Fuck your kids.
00:23:42Fuck your grandparents.
00:23:43Fuck the sick.
00:23:44No, I'm not wearing a mask.
00:23:46It's fucking tyranny.
00:23:47It's against my freedoms.
00:23:49It's fucking, uh, uh, uh, fascism and socialism and authoritarianism.
00:23:55And it's fucking communism.
00:23:56When workers take over the means of production, it's also fucking, that's right.
00:24:03It's fucking Nazism.
00:24:04Yeah, I went there.
00:24:05It's fucking Nazism.
00:24:06That's right.
00:24:07It's fuck.
00:24:07Fuck you.
00:24:08I'm not going to wear a mask.
00:24:10No way.
00:24:10No how.
00:24:11And it's fucking get away from my freedoms.
00:24:13And I won't do it.
00:24:14It's tyranny.
00:24:15It's a big government shoving big pharma down my big mouth.
00:24:21And it's fucking big brother shoving.
00:24:25Yeah, the show.
00:24:26What other big brother is there?
00:24:27I don't know what you're talking about.
00:24:29It's, uh, yeah.
00:24:30Fucking CBS is in on it with the liberals you run media.
00:24:33Yeah.
00:24:33That's all part of the plan, motherfucker.
00:24:36You're so dumb.
00:24:37Yeah.
00:24:38It's fucking, that's right.
00:24:39Also, also, I'm not going to wear a mask.
00:24:41Forget the tyranny and, uh, you know, authoritarianism part.
00:24:45Because forget my freedoms.
00:24:46But also, I'm not, coincidentally, totally separate from the freedom thing.
00:24:51And also, I have a medical condition.
00:24:54So, double not wearing a mask.
00:24:57Fucking bitch.
00:24:58No, I'm not wearing a mask.
00:25:00Yeah.
00:25:01It's, I have a medical condition.
00:25:02My online doctor, who prescribes my colloidal silver from his podcast, Dr. Joseph Rogan.
00:25:09Look him up.
00:25:10He told me that I, and gave me, I cannot, if I have a mask, I will stop breathing.
00:25:16I will stop breathing.
00:25:17I will choke to death.
00:25:18Have you ever seen anybody wear a mask and survive?
00:25:20Think about it.
00:25:21No.
00:25:21Okay.
00:25:22So, yeah.
00:25:23I have to be with, 10 feet away from my, uh, vapor exhalations.
00:25:27That's, uh, that's clinically proven.
00:25:29Okay.
00:25:29And I'm, also, coincidentally, beside those two things, I'm severely mentally ill.
00:25:36I'm mentally ill.
00:25:37You wouldn't believe the shit that I believe.
00:25:39And no.
00:25:41I won't put on a mask.
00:25:42And I'm not gonna, certainly not gonna get a vaccine.
00:25:45No.
00:25:46No, I'm not getting a vaccine.
00:25:47No.
00:25:48Not this vaccine.
00:25:49Not this one.
00:25:50Oh, I mean, yeah.
00:25:51I'll get a vaccine for mumps, rubella, measles, hepatitis B, diphtheria.
00:25:57Shingles, polio, chicken pox.
00:25:59But no.
00:26:00I'm not gonna get a vaccine for this.
00:26:02No.
00:26:03Sorry.
00:26:04My body, my choice.
00:26:08All right?
00:26:09Your body, also my choice.
00:26:13Okay?
00:26:14Her body, especially my choice.
00:26:18Okay?
00:26:19Uh, yeah.
00:26:19No, I'm not doing that.
00:26:21Fuck you.
00:26:21I'm not doing, you can't tell me when, and, uh, I mean, I'll put fucking, uh, horse dewormer
00:26:25before I put it in fact.
00:26:27Seriously?
00:26:28I just made that up.
00:26:29There's horse dewormer.
00:26:30All right.
00:26:31Yeah, fuck it.
00:26:32I'll take horse dewormer.
00:26:33Sure.
00:26:34And horseworms, too.
00:26:35Mix them up together.
00:26:36I'll take the whole fucking kit and caboodle.
00:26:37Great.
00:26:38Yeah.
00:26:38Fuck you.
00:26:39Fuck you.
00:26:39Fuck you.
00:26:40Fuck you.
00:26:40And, uh, and even children watch that, and, uh, and they're like, well, that, that seems
00:26:50excessive, uh, that response didn't seem appropriate.
00:26:56And they're all like, you know, it's just, it's funny to me when I see you with your mask
00:27:03on, you know, just living in fear, like with your mask, and just identifies you as a sheeple.
00:27:10That's all, you know, I don't live in fear.
00:27:13Okay.
00:27:13I choose not to live in fear, you know, and it's crazy that you, you think a mask is going
00:27:18to help.
00:27:18It's like your eyes are in your mouth and your mask is blinding your vision.
00:27:23But, you know, that's what you're scared of when, you know, we know that black people
00:27:32and Mexicans and, uh, immigrants and Muslims are going to come to your home, they're going
00:27:39to murder you, they're going to rape your wife and children, then they're going to take
00:27:44your job that you just quit because it's shitty.
00:27:46Okay.
00:27:46So that's funny to me that you don't, you wear a mask and then you don't even care that
00:27:52the, uh, Hollywood elite limousine liberal, uh, liberal Jew, uh, gay mafia are trying
00:28:01to turn your kids gay and trans by teaching them about racism.
00:28:06So that's, that's crazy to me, man.
00:28:09And you don't even give a shit.
00:28:11You don't even give a shit that Biden's Gestapo is going to come into your home and take all
00:28:16your guns.
00:28:17And you don't even care.
00:28:17Just like Obama.
00:28:18Remember when Obama took all your guns and then Clinton took all your guns before that?
00:28:22And it's just funny.
00:28:24It's so sad to be living in fear.
00:28:26I just, uh, it's funny.
00:28:31I'm fear free.
00:28:37And just to be clear, I'm not talking about, um, anti-vaxxers, uh, as ignorant and tragic
00:28:45and, uh, frustrating and depressing as it is that there are people that are anti-vaccine.
00:28:52I get it.
00:28:53I understand if you've been fed nonstop, a constant stream for decades of anti-government,
00:29:01anti-authority, anti-science shit and propaganda.
00:29:05Again, I get it.
00:29:05Combined with the idea that we do know that our government lies to us.
00:29:11It lies to us every day.
00:29:12It's lied since its inception.
00:29:14And we do also know that it's done medical experiments on groups of people.
00:29:18That's a fact.
00:29:19We know that.
00:29:20When you combine those two things, I get that.
00:29:22I don't subscribe to it, obviously, but I get where I'm talking about the selfish motherfuckers
00:29:28who won't even wear a mask while they're shopping.
00:29:33That's who I'm...
00:29:34Actually, I just thought of something.
00:29:39Maybe, maybe a solution.
00:29:42What if we made the mask blackface?
00:29:50Would they wear it then?
00:29:52I know it's robbing Peter to pay Paul, but, I mean, it's for the good of society.
00:30:03Guys, it's wearing a fucking mask.
00:30:05Come on.
00:30:06I actually wrote a partial list.
00:30:09This is tiny.
00:30:10This is very small.
00:30:12It's just partial.
00:30:13Tiny.
00:30:14A partial list of things equal to or greater than the physical and mental pain and suffering
00:30:22experienced while wearing a mask while shopping.
00:30:27Okay?
00:30:27These are things that are equal to or greater than the pain and suffering experience.
00:30:36Having a ladybug on your shoulder.
00:30:38Applying slightly too much chapstick.
00:30:54Talking on a hot phone.
00:30:58When a dog shakes its rainwater off on you.
00:31:01A band-aid.
00:31:04That won't stay on.
00:31:09Using mayonnaise that's been in the sun for 20 minutes.
00:31:13Seeing a cluster of gnats up ahead as you jog.
00:31:20Waiting for someone in a wheelchair to board the bus.
00:31:23When it dawns on you.
00:31:34Oh, wait.
00:31:34I've already done this crossword.
00:31:39Pistachios.
00:31:44Using the microwave again after you thought 30 seconds would do it.
00:31:50Having to walk your bike over the bumpy part.
00:31:52When the change you receive is sticky.
00:31:58The water that comes out from mustard when you don't shake it first.
00:32:04And a maraschino cherry.
00:32:06Those are, that's just a, that's a partial list.
00:32:09It's small.
00:32:10So, partial list.
00:32:12And you know, about once a week, if not more, you'll read something in the news, you'll see something where yet another right-wing, conservative, libertarian, pundit, you know, radio guy, fucking state rep, or, you know, minister, or, you know, podcast fraud.
00:32:42Or somebody whose whole career, they've been making a lot of money humiliating and making fun of people who wear masks or get the, get the vaccine shot.
00:32:55Then you'll read that this person, um, has contracted COVID and then died.
00:33:03And, and, and, and, it's an amazing length to go, uh, to own the libs.
00:33:20And that's why they do it.
00:33:24That's why they're doing, that's why they do, they're making a shit ton of money, but they're also, they do it to own the libs.
00:33:28And that's partly how they make their money, by owning the libs.
00:33:31And they own the libs by getting COVID and then dying.
00:33:37And the real tragedy is that they died before they got to see me owned, you know, because I'll, I'll read about their death and I'll be like, oh, fuck.
00:33:55I just got owned and I'll, I'll be at my computer and my daughter will come in and I'll be sitting there shaking my head and I just be like, daddy, what's wrong?
00:34:06I was like, oh, this right wing Christian, uh, super Patriot football coach, uh, radio guy, podcaster pundit, uh, on, uh, on Newsmax.
00:34:21Just, uh, just, he got COVID and he died a long, painful, protracted, slow, agonizing death.
00:34:31And so daddy just got pwned, sweetheart.
00:34:36It's not a good feeling.
00:34:38It's not, it's not a good feeling.
00:34:40And it's, it's, it's just, it's so interesting to me, the shit that we choose to get upset about.
00:34:53And I use that word purposefully choose.
00:34:56We choose to get upset about things.
00:34:57We choose not to get upset about things.
00:35:00And, uh, I, I believe that you can divide America into two groups.
00:35:06The kind of people that truly believe that you can divide America into two groups.
00:35:14And then the other people who realize that's absurd.
00:35:17That's a, that's the most reductive thing I've ever heard of.
00:35:20So some people wore a mask and then others, their, what their reaction was to grab a bullhorn
00:35:32and get a bunch of like-minded friends and then go to Target and march with their bullhorn and go,
00:35:38we're not going to wear a mask.
00:35:39It's tyranny.
00:35:39And throw baby shoes at employees making less than minimum wage.
00:35:42And, you know, that, and they're yelling and screaming and, and, and embarrassing everybody.
00:35:47And it's just, it's sad and it's tragic.
00:35:49And they're apoplectic and they're fucking red in the face and they're spitting and they get arrested.
00:35:53And I guarantee you, if you went to all those people as children and told them, I'm talking like six years old,
00:36:02innocent kids, their brains haven't been poisoned yet.
00:36:05Like you told them what was going to make them upset.
00:36:09100% of them guaranteed 100% of those kids would be upset and say they didn't want that.
00:36:15I guarantee it.
00:36:16And if I could get like a hundred kids and just get them all together, tell them like, all right, kids.
00:36:24Hey, everybody gather around.
00:36:27My name is David.
00:36:29I'm from the future.
00:36:30And I'm going to tell you what's going to make you upset.
00:36:34You know how when sometimes you're, you're out and maybe you're at a soccer game or you're in line to see Santa at the mall
00:36:43and your mommy or daddy or your friend's mommy or daddy or maybe one of your relatives or even a stranger
00:36:48will get very upset at something and you don't know what it is.
00:36:51And they get really, really upset and they yell and they scream and they turn red and they're spitting
00:36:56and they lose their words and sometimes they have a heart attack, sometimes they get arrested.
00:37:00But they really, really, really screaming and yelling and it makes you feel really, really awkward inside
00:37:07and uncomfortable and small and scared and you don't know what's going on
00:37:11and it's a terrible, terrible feeling and you don't know why they're doing that.
00:37:15And well, I'm going to tell you what's going to make you a comedian.
00:37:21Doesn't matter.
00:37:21Doesn't matter.
00:37:22Doesn't matter.
00:37:26So I'm going to tell you what's going to make.
00:37:30Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm, I'm, yeah, I'm happy with it.
00:37:33Yeah.
00:37:34I mean, I, I'd say, you know, high tier three, low tier two.
00:37:40I don't know how the rankings go, but I mean, it's, it's, I'm, it's, I'm okay.
00:37:44It's a, well, I was nominated for two Grammys.
00:37:48So, okay.
00:37:50So, no, I didn't win.
00:37:54If I, if I had won, I'd say one, a great, nobody wins something says I was nominated.
00:38:00I mean, no, just think about it.
00:38:02No.
00:38:03All right.
00:38:04Anyway, it's not important.
00:38:07I'm going to, oh my God, uh, Patton Oswalt and Weird Al.
00:38:10So, whatever.
00:38:13So, so it made sense.
00:38:15But one of, one of them made sense.
00:38:17So anyway, now listen, it doesn't matter.
00:38:19I'm going to tell you.
00:38:20So, I'm going to tell you what is going to make you that upset where you're angry and
00:38:26you're yelling and you're marching in the streets and you're infringing on people's rights.
00:38:30And, and I'm going to tell you what the thing that's going to set you off.
00:38:33Are you okay?
00:38:34Everybody good?
00:38:35Okay.
00:38:35Uh, why don't we start with you, sweetheart?
00:38:38What's your name?
00:38:39Crystal?
00:38:40Okay.
00:38:40What do we got?
00:38:41Okay.
00:38:42Crystal.
00:38:42You are going to get very, very upset, angry, very angry when you see the police beating
00:38:53up or murdering innocent people and getting away with it.
00:38:57That's going to make you really, really upset.
00:38:59Okay.
00:39:00Okay.
00:39:01So who, what's your name?
00:39:03Adriana?
00:39:04Okay.
00:39:04Adriana?
00:39:06Okay.
00:39:06Here's what's going to make you upset, Adriana.
00:39:09When you hear people speaking Spanish.
00:39:12Oh, when it, yeah, no, no, you won't even really be near them.
00:39:24They'll be like, uh, to themselves, like a mother and daughter going over a grocery list
00:39:29quietly, you know, in the, and that's going to, that's going to, no, no, no, don't, that's
00:39:33what it, don't cry, sweetheart.
00:39:35Don't cry.
00:39:36That's what it says here.
00:39:37I'm sorry.
00:39:38And you know what?
00:39:39Ironically, you, I just, you probably don't know what that means, but you're,
00:39:42your name is derived from Spanish.
00:39:44It's a Spanish, whatever.
00:39:45It'll be lost on you.
00:39:46Okay.
00:39:47Uh, who else we got?
00:39:48Yes.
00:39:50What's your name?
00:39:51Arturo?
00:39:52Okay.
00:39:52Well, watch out for Adriana.
00:39:54Um, all right.
00:39:56Arturo.
00:39:57Here's what's going to get you very, very upset.
00:39:59You're going to get very upset when gay people or trans people are maligned and beaten up
00:40:07and sometimes even murdered just because of who they love and who they are.
00:40:12That's going to get you very upset.
00:40:14Okay.
00:40:15All right.
00:40:16What do we got?
00:40:17What's your name, son?
00:40:18Grayson.
00:40:19Okay.
00:40:20Grayson.
00:40:22Okay.
00:40:23Grayson.
00:40:24Here's what's going to make you really, really angry.
00:40:27Bread in the face.
00:40:28Beat red.
00:40:28When there's a mass shooting and the families of the victims of the mass shooting go on
00:40:34television and, uh, try to plead for, uh, sensible gun laws.
00:40:40That's going to set you.
00:40:42Uh, no, don't cry.
00:40:43No, I'm sorry.
00:40:44That's your thing.
00:40:45That's going to be your thing.
00:40:46Don't.
00:40:47No, don't cry.
00:40:48That's all right.
00:40:48Uh, okay.
00:40:50I got another one.
00:40:50I got another one here.
00:40:51Okay.
00:40:51Here's something else.
00:40:52Okay.
00:40:53Dry those tears.
00:40:54Here's something else.
00:40:55You're also going to get very, very upset when chubby women are used in advertising.
00:41:00That's good.
00:41:01Yeah.
00:41:01Online petitions, the whole work.
00:41:03Don't, please don't cry.
00:41:05Okay.
00:41:06Uh, one more.
00:41:07Sweetheart, what's your name?
00:41:10Karen?
00:41:14Okay.
00:41:15Uh, probably don't even have to look, but yeah.
00:41:20Okay.
00:41:21So Karen, this is what's going to make you really upset.
00:41:24Okay?
00:41:25Okay.
00:41:26It's when you hear black people laughing, that's, it's just nails on a chalkboard to you.
00:41:34I, yeah, when you hear black people enjoying themselves, it's going to, no, don't, don't
00:41:38cry.
00:41:39It's a, no, honey, honey, please.
00:41:41I, no, no, it can't be about when your ice cream falls off.
00:41:44I'm sorry.
00:41:45That's what it says.
00:41:46It, I mean, it says you're homeschooled.
00:41:48You're going to be homeschooled.
00:41:49You're about to be homeschooled.
00:41:51They're going to teach you about, uh, the civil war and they're going to mention the
00:41:54word slavery and that's it.
00:41:55You're yanked out of there.
00:41:56And that's, so I'm so sorry, but don't cry.
00:41:58And guys, don't cry.
00:41:59Everybody, please stop crying.
00:42:00Stop crying.
00:42:01Guys, kids, stop crying.
00:42:02And then, you know, you've got a room full of a hundred kids crying.
00:42:06Uh, but the cool thing is that if you are walking down the street and you pass a playground or,
00:42:17you know, a birthday party or something and you see a bunch of kids crying, you'll know
00:42:23that a comedian from the future has just visited them and told them what to.
00:42:30Um, all right, let's lighten it up.
00:42:43Let's lighten it up.
00:42:46Want to talk about my sick dog.
00:42:48Um, no, we'll get to that in a minute.
00:42:51How about, how about seriously?
00:42:53Let's, uh, I'm going to do an impression for you.
00:42:55Okay, yeah, I am known throughout the world for my impressions.
00:43:04What if Meryl Streep and Mr. Bean had a baby?
00:43:08Okay, um, note to self, work on impression of Meryl Streep and Mr. Bean having a baby.
00:43:16Um, all right, here's my impression of a guy who went through a midlife crisis, sold everything,
00:43:29moved to the woods, and decided he was going to make 18-year-old, handcrafted, small-batch,
00:43:37artisanal whiskey.
00:43:38And the first batch didn't turn out very well, so he's now tasting his second batch.
00:43:51Oh, goddammit, what the fuck, son of a bitch.
00:43:56Ah, what did I do wrong this time?
00:44:00Ah, fucking back to the drawing board.
00:44:02Sir, what's your name?
00:44:19Jorn.
00:44:20Jorn, yes.
00:44:20Uh, Jorn, do you think, um, when Lincoln started his, uh, Gettysburg Address,
00:44:27do you think there was somebody who was like, uh,
00:44:32ah, dude, just say 87.
00:44:35What the fuck?
00:44:36Right?
00:44:37I mean, it's, it's just, it's pretentious, right?
00:44:40What the fuck does he, why do I have to do the math?
00:44:43I mean...
00:44:44Yeah, yeah, okay.
00:44:48One of the things I missed when I was, uh, gone, uh, and I always miss it when I'm,
00:44:57when I'm away from New York, and, uh, is riding my bike, which I love, uh, especially Brooklyn.
00:45:03I have been in Brooklyn for 10 years.
00:45:05I love riding my bike.
00:45:06Um, I rode my bike here.
00:45:08I'm going to ride it home.
00:45:09It's the best.
00:45:10And, and, uh, almost all my shows, I ride my bike.
00:45:12And, uh, and I love, uh, riding through the, uh, Orthodox Jewish communities.
00:45:19Um, that's the way to go through it.
00:45:22You know, walking, eh, eh, I don't know, you know.
00:45:26Walking like, get me the fuck out of here, but on a bike.
00:45:28Woo!
00:45:29You can zip through.
00:45:30And, and one thing, you'll, you'll be riding through, uh, uh, the Hasidic communities.
00:45:40And, and I'll, I'll often see, there's, there'll be, like, um, a young wife who's attractive.
00:45:49You know, like, empirically attractive.
00:45:52And, uh, and I, I know it's a wig, but whatever, you know.
00:45:54And, but I always feel a little bit of sympathy because there's no male equivalent for those women in that community.
00:46:06None.
00:46:06There's no, I mean, like, like, this would be a 10.
00:46:13I'd be a 10.
00:46:14I'd be like, oh, hot stuff.
00:46:16Hubba hubba.
00:46:16You know?
00:46:17I know there are actors who play Orthodox Jews that are attractive.
00:46:20But in the, when you ride through or walk through, no, man.
00:46:24Sorry.
00:46:25Sorry.
00:46:26I know it's subjective, but that's, you know, let's, now it's subjective.
00:46:30Let's, come on.
00:46:31I mean, hundreds and hundreds of years of inbreeding is going to give you a certain, uh, disadvantage.
00:46:37No, they're just, it's not, I feel bad.
00:46:40Like, oh, this, like, the hottest guy is like, he's like, uh, middle-aged Woody Allen meets a young Harvey Weinstein.
00:46:46Oh, well.
00:46:47All right.
00:46:48Yeah.
00:46:49Not too good.
00:46:50So, um, but they get the last laugh because they subjugate all their women.
00:46:59So, all right.
00:47:01So it's a win-win, right?
00:47:04But do you all know what the, you know what the mitzvah tank is?
00:47:08Okay.
00:47:09Well, I can guarantee you a lot of folks watching this at home don't know what a mitzvah tank is.
00:47:15Um, but I'm going to look in this camera.
00:47:18I'll tell you, I'm going to tell you what a mitzvah tank is right now.
00:47:22Um, we have a lot of them in Brooklyn.
00:47:24Uh, uh, mitzvah tank, Orthodox community.
00:47:27They have this, uh, big RV and there's several of them.
00:47:29And you'll hear them before you see them.
00:47:31You hear them like a block away, um, with that kind of tinny radio shot.
00:47:35And, um, you know, uh, fun songs in, in, uh, Yiddish and Hebrew.
00:47:41And, um, uh, and there's a big, huge picture of Rabbi Schneerson, uh, the, the Messiah.
00:47:48Uh, Moshiach.
00:47:50And he's coming back any second.
00:47:52There's, there's, Moshiach is coming back.
00:47:54He's coming.
00:47:55Hey!
00:47:56Keep, hold tight.
00:47:59Any second now.
00:48:00I, wait, wait, where's that?
00:48:02Oh, okay.
00:48:03False alarm.
00:48:03He'll be here.
00:48:04And it will be fun if he does, uh, come back because, you know, uh, Rabbi Schneerson was
00:48:12a human being, uh, with no divine providence.
00:48:15He was just a human being.
00:48:15So all his flesh is rotted off his thing.
00:48:19So if he, if he does come back, he's just this weird skeleton, you know, and people are
00:48:23like, Moshiach!
00:48:24Woo!
00:48:24You know, uh, what, what's the problem?
00:48:32Skeleton.
00:48:35Um.
00:48:36But anyway, so the mitzvah tank rolls by and what a mitzvah is, is a good deed or doing
00:48:44a good thing.
00:48:45And sometimes they have the tank and sometimes they'll dispense, uh, they'll, they'll, uh,
00:48:50discord different, uh, uh, uh, Jews to, to go on the street corners and perform the mitzvahs,
00:48:57which is, uh, it's a good deed and it's always the same thing.
00:49:00What they do is, and I've done this a couple of times, I've, I've, uh, volunteered to,
00:49:04to let them do it on me and, uh, uh, just to help a brother out, you know, and, uh, um,
00:49:11and what it is, they, uh, wrap the tefillin, uh, on you, which is the, the, there's like a
00:49:16prayer box, two prayer boxes, wood, and then there's leather strips.
00:49:20One goes on your, uh, your arm and the other goes around your forehead and they, and then
00:49:24they rattle off this prayer super quick, you know, cause they're working on commission.
00:49:28They got it in and out, in and out.
00:49:30Thank you for your time.
00:49:30Um, and, uh, and they do it every, for everyone they get, you know, they look up and then God
00:49:36looks down and goes, all right, slow-mo.
00:49:38Very good for you.
00:49:39And Hiram, good for you.
00:49:41Very good.
00:49:42That's a lot of mitzvahs for you.
00:49:44Very good.
00:49:44All right.
00:49:45You're going to get an extra bean today.
00:49:47I've, God is feeling so generous.
00:49:49All right.
00:49:50All the Jews get an extra bean tonight.
00:49:53Uh, you know, whatever.
00:49:54And, uh, um, so they do these things and, uh, and I was,
00:49:59on my block.
00:50:01I was, I was, this was a couple of years ago.
00:50:02I was, had a stroller.
00:50:04My daughter was about, uh, two at the time.
00:50:06And, and I'm, I'm literally going to cross street on my street to go and be home.
00:50:11And, and I could see him and I see him.
00:50:14There's a, there's a, there's a gang, a gaggle of, you know, the, the most, uh, intimidating
00:50:21gang you can ever imagine of, of Jews.
00:50:24And there's a couple of, uh, uh, all, all men, of course, cause, uh, no girls allowed.
00:50:29You go home and make babies and make a soup.
00:50:32That's all you're good for.
00:50:33And, um, and, uh, and, and there's, you know, the head Jew, uh, which you could tell cause
00:50:38he had the bigger, furrier hat, which, uh, um, in, in Judaism, like every single religion,
00:50:43the hierarchy is found in the hats, uh, uh, whoever has the most conical or the largest
00:50:50or the floppiest or the satin-iest or the furriest.
00:50:54And in Jews, it's furry and it's round.
00:50:56And, uh, um, they, that's the head, head Jew.
00:50:59And, and then, and the guy, the poor kid with him is just a yarmulke.
00:51:03Oh, oh, it's like rookie single A ball.
00:51:08And he's like, anyway, so I know what's coming.
00:51:11So I get to the corner, it's a red light.
00:51:15And the guy says, uh, excuse me, are you Jewish?
00:51:19And, um, that is, that is funny.
00:51:21Um, uh, he did, he's exactly, he's like, uh,
00:51:26excuse me, are you Jewish?
00:51:27And I say, uh, uh, I mean, no, I was, I was born Jewish, but I was, I'm an atheist.
00:51:35And, uh, the whole time I'm saying it, I'm, I'm, even though I'm stumbling when I'm talking
00:51:39to him, I'm lucid, clear, not stumbling on any words inside my head, screaming at myself
00:51:46going, what the fuck are you doing?
00:51:47Don't engage him.
00:51:47Why are you doing that?
00:51:48Why did you say anything?
00:51:50Why did you say anything?
00:51:52Oh, good, good.
00:51:52Way to go.
00:51:53Way to fucking.
00:51:54And, and so he's starting to talk to me about, uh, you know, uh, helping him out and the
00:52:00Jews and blah, blah, blah, and, and, and, uh, brotherhood and, uh, and, um, uh, and I'm
00:52:05just waiting for the light to change and, you know, I'm like, come on.
00:52:09And, and I'm, I'm inching the stroller out into traffic just inch by inch, you know, cause
00:52:14they have to stop.
00:52:15They, that's a law.
00:52:16They have to stop.
00:52:17Do you see a stroller?
00:52:18You got to fucking put on the brakes and you have to stop.
00:52:21And also let's, you know, it's not like the baby's head is right against the end of the
00:52:25thing.
00:52:26It's like a seven inch buffer there.
00:52:28There's no, it's like, and there's padding and shit.
00:52:30It's not like, and even if it did hit it, I can catch a baby.
00:52:33She was two.
00:52:33I can catch a baby.
00:52:34So I'm just inching it out, inching it out.
00:52:38And then the light finally turns green.
00:52:40And he goes, uh, uh, amongst all the stuff, he goes, you know, uh, is your mother Jewish?
00:52:45And, and, uh, as I walk away, I go, yeah, she's Jewish, but I told you I'm an atheist.
00:52:51And then I walk and I get halfway across the street and he yells to me at my back at this
00:52:59point, he yells, you're a Jew forever.
00:53:04Which is funny enough on its own, but nobody else knew the context.
00:53:29Nobody else.
00:53:30There's a whole bunch of people, all of a sudden, they're seeing a guy, an Orthodox Jew
00:53:38in full LARPing regalia, uh, pointing at people going, you're a Jew forever.
00:53:46And then, you know, like, oh shit, it's happening.
00:53:48The Jews are, they're casting spells.
00:53:50I knew it was going to happen.
00:53:51Alex Jones was right.
00:53:52Don't come down here.
00:53:54Do not keep everybody away.
00:53:55The Jews are turning people into Jews.
00:54:00They're casting spells and chanting.
00:54:03Oh.
00:54:09By the way, I would like to, uh, officially change, uh, and substitute casting spells and
00:54:17chanting in place of thoughts and prayers.
00:54:20I'd love, if we could make it, next time the Twitter machine gets going and there's a tragedy
00:54:28somewhere, you know, there's, uh, you know, 120 people die in a mass shooting and, you know,
00:54:38you're like, uh, hey, just so you know, I'm, you know, casting spells and chanting for,
00:54:42for, for everybody's soul.
00:54:51So, um, I want to talk very briefly about, uh, my dog, Ollie Red Sox, who I've talked about
00:54:59before on stage and, uh, she's awesome.
00:55:03She's 15.
00:55:04Um, yeah, you know what's coming.
00:55:07Um, and like the last four years,
00:55:12uh, her health started to, uh, degrade.
00:55:15And then the last year, really markedly, it's just really bad, really bad.
00:55:22She has severe arthritis in all her joints.
00:55:25She has hip dysplasia.
00:55:26Uh, uh, she's going blind where she can't see anything up close.
00:55:29And, uh, um, I have to carry her up and down the stairs and she's on all kinds of medications,
00:55:36uh, except for CBD oil because of Jesus.
00:55:39But, uh, I mean, I literally, I have to give her shots.
00:55:41I do, I give her actual, you know, the thing where the, you know, you know, the procedural
00:55:48getting, I do, I give those shots to her and, uh, and, uh, and she has to wear a diaper a
00:55:53lot because she'll get in the continent and, you know, you just wake up.
00:55:55She's all, she's been, uh, uh, had anxiety her whole life.
00:56:01And then you just wake up and there's a mud pie somewhere.
00:56:03And it's just, um, and it's, it's tough, you know, and, and, uh, um, my wife and I have
00:56:13had the inevitable conversation about, you know, when are we going to put her out of our misery?
00:56:23Uh, because it's a burden.
00:56:26It's just a burden.
00:56:27It's joyless.
00:56:28There's no, she, it's up to us.
00:56:30We have to do it.
00:56:32She can't tell.
00:56:33I guarantee you if she could talk and I just started saying, Hey, Ollie, so listen, she would
00:56:37just interrupt me going, make it stop.
00:56:39You know, I know that.
00:56:40And, and it's up to us.
00:56:43It's our absolute responsibility.
00:56:45Dogs are stoic creatures.
00:56:46They won't show you pain.
00:56:47They'll look at you and you can guess, but it is, it's our responsibility.
00:56:50We have to do the right thing.
00:56:52And I've often thought, you know, am I extending her life artificially so that I can keep doing
00:57:02this bit?
00:57:03Because it's, it's a good bit.
00:57:09It's a good bit.
00:57:10I'll make some salient points later and, and, uh, uh, uh, it's not fair.
00:57:15So, uh, so it's a hard decision, but you got to make it.
00:57:18And, uh, and so we're going to avail ourselves of the service.
00:57:24Uh, uh, you know, I'm sure you're familiar with it.
00:57:28My, my sister's done it.
00:57:29I have friends who've done it.
00:57:30You know, where you get, where a professional will come in and, uh, they will euthanize your
00:57:36dog.
00:57:36Uh, um, I mean, I assume they're professional.
00:57:38I'm not going to do a deep dive.
00:57:40I'll probably, I'm lazy that way.
00:57:42I'll just give like, uh, Siri is who can come and kill my dog, you know?
00:57:46And then some guy named Clark, you know, from with a, you know, Staples manager with a rolled
00:57:54up paper bag, like, Hey, I'm here to kill the, is there a pet?
00:57:59Yeah.
00:58:01Yes.
00:58:01I'm a professional.
00:58:02I'm an, I'm a manager at Staples.
00:58:04Yes.
00:58:07Well, I, I kill pets on the side.
00:58:08That's what I do.
00:58:09I, I, I like it.
00:58:12It makes me feel good.
00:58:13Anyway, uh, so, so yeah, you have the, these people come and they will, uh, you know, in
00:58:20a very somber, respectful, quiet, dignified, peaceful setting.
00:58:27Uh, they will, not that it has to be.
00:58:30I'm sure some people go the other way, you know, uh, some people are probably like, Hey
00:58:35man, peanut love to party.
00:58:36So we're going to have a party.
00:58:38I've taken peanut to nine burning mans.
00:58:40All right.
00:58:41Doc.
00:58:41All right.
00:58:42Give the kill shot on the downbeat.
00:58:44Cause peanut love Diplo.
00:58:45All right.
00:58:47Oh, oh, oh.
00:58:48You know, but, uh, we're not going to do that.
00:58:51Uh, and we're going to do that because it's the right thing to do, but also it's a golden
00:59:02opportunity to teach our four-year-old daughter about life and death and, and more specifically
00:59:13the power that I wield over life and death.
00:59:25Cause she'll see all this through the eyes of a four and a half year old, you know, and
00:59:29they'll come in and Ollie will be on a pillow and they'll sedate her and they'll give her
00:59:35the shot and, you know, and she'll say, Ollie's sleeping.
00:59:40Like, no, no, no, sweetheart.
00:59:43No, no, honey.
00:59:45Ollie's dead.
00:59:48Daddy did that.
00:59:52Daddy had her killed.
00:59:55I made, I made one phone call.
00:59:57It was like nothing.
00:59:58They were here in five minutes.
00:59:59Like, then they're here and now she's dead.
01:00:02All right.
01:00:04Nighty night, sweetheart.
01:00:08Perhaps I'll see you in the morning.
01:00:13Oh, okay.
01:00:18So that, that bit is a lie because we already did it.
01:00:22We did about six weeks ago.
01:00:25Yeah, it was, and it was hard, but the mitigating factor was, it was the right thing to do.
01:00:30As hard as it was, it was the right thing to do.
01:00:33And it's the most, it's just a perfect example of American twisted logic that you can euthanize
01:00:44a pet, a dog, a cat, a fucking iguana, right?
01:00:49But you cannot euthanize a human being who's in pain and suffering, who can articulate in
01:01:00no uncertain terms that they would like to go.
01:01:03You can't do that.
01:01:04There's 10 states in America that have a Death with Dignity Act, which is, and New York is
01:01:11not one of them, oddly enough, and where they will allow physician-assisted suicide, but
01:01:19only, only if you are terminally ill and have less than six months to live, a doctor can
01:01:28sign off and do it.
01:01:30If you have nine months to live, you're shit out of luck for three months.
01:01:35That's three months of absolute pain and suffering.
01:01:38Even though you can articulate and say, I'm ready to go now, you can't.
01:01:44So I could go, I could get a pet, I can go to the pound, I can get a perfectly healthy
01:01:50four-year-old Jack Russell Terrier who's just like, and I can walk in and go, yeah, can
01:01:56you kill this?
01:01:59Yeah, it's in pain.
01:02:01It doesn't look like, it's in pain, just kill it.
01:02:03And they'll kill it.
01:02:04But a human being, a human being who's lying in a hospice or in a home, open sores, no
01:02:16family, who's like, I'd really like to die peacefully and painlessly with dignity, please.
01:02:26Ah, I'm so sorry.
01:02:28Ah, it turns out you got about 10 months to live, so we'll check back in four months.
01:02:34No, wait, I can't.
01:02:36But please, I'm just sorry.
01:02:39It's just, it's the, it's the rule.
01:02:41And, ah, oh wait, I'm just finding out.
01:02:43We don't, this isn't, we don't have death with dignity here.
01:02:47So I'm just, you're going to have to die on your own.
01:02:49And, ah, I mean, you know, ah, that's it.
01:02:51I'm sorry, but I'm, I have no friends or family, and I am lying in my own feces, and
01:03:00nobody here at the home likes me or cares for me.
01:03:04I'd like to go now.
01:03:06Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:03:07There's a, there's a parish in North Carolina that says no.
01:03:11I don't know anybody in North Carolina that's 3,000 miles away.
01:03:22Yeah, well, they know, they have a direct line to Jesus, so they said, and they also said
01:03:27that all life is precious.
01:03:28It's not.
01:03:33Have you been to Florida?
01:03:41Or a DMV?
01:03:44Or a Scientology Center?
01:03:48Or a QAnon rally?
01:03:52Or a Cracker Barrel?
01:03:55Or a QAnon rally at a Cracker Barrel in Florida?
01:04:03But you can't.
01:04:05But look, if you take anything from tonight and what I've been talking about, I think,
01:04:11one of the most important things is it's important to keep perspective.
01:04:17And I have talked about depression, and I am prone to spells of depression and anxiety.
01:04:29And I have to remind myself that I am very lucky.
01:04:34I have an amazing wife, an amazing family.
01:04:36I'm surrounded by love.
01:04:38I have money.
01:04:39If somebody gets sick, I can take care of them.
01:04:41If somebody gets sick, I can take care of them.
01:04:43Perspective.
01:04:44For instance, one time, I was complaining because I had no shoes.
01:04:53And then I met a man who had no feet.
01:04:58So I asked him if he knew where his shoes were from before the accident.
01:05:16And he pointed at me, and I bent down to listen to what he had to say, except it was just
01:05:28kind of like a wet gurgle, and then he bled out.
01:05:31But then I realized he was pointing past me to a ravine that was just beyond me.
01:05:48And I went over, and there were his severed feet with the shoes still on them.
01:05:57And they fucking fit.
01:06:01They fit.
01:06:02All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
01:06:12Thank you to Sean Patney.
01:06:14Thank you to the Bell House.
01:06:16Thank you, thank you, thank you.
01:06:18All right.
01:06:20Okay.
01:06:22You guys.
01:06:28I do appreciate it.
01:06:29I thank you so much.
01:07:02You