Sue Perkins is host, with guest panellists comedian Michelle Wolf and journalist Tom Peck joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.
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00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:37I'm Sue Perkins and in the news this week...
00:40At a palace reception, one footman is guaranteed promotion
00:45after smuggling in some neat gin.
00:56Arriving home from his local branch of B&Q,
00:59a Stockport man realises he's made that classic mistake
01:02of leaving something on the roof and driving off.
01:12And in Leicester Square, a very thoughtful new conceptual artwork
01:16depicts the special relationship between Sir Keir Starmer
01:19and Donald Trump.
01:21On Ian's team tonight is an American comedian who, in 2018,
01:37was strongly criticised for her Donald Trump jokes
01:40at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
01:42Good job she didn't do it this year, as she'd now be doing this show
01:44from a maximum-security mega-prison in El Salvador.
01:47Please welcome the wonderful Michelle Wolf.
01:57And on Paul's team tonight, a journalist for The Times,
01:59who recently claimed that the BBC is never happier
02:02than when in self-flagellation mode.
02:04Can you blame us? We're awful!
02:06This set alone cost billions! What a waste!
02:09Please welcome Tom Peck.
02:11APPLAUSE
02:15So, we shall begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:23Now, Ian and Michelle, here's yours.
02:26That's Mark Carney, who's won.
02:29Have I got moose for you?
02:32And that's the real winner of the election,
02:34who swung it for Canada.
02:36Are you pleased, Michelle?
02:37Oh, I think Canada, who I've never actually particularly liked.
02:42Oh!
02:43I love now.
02:44Yeah.
02:46Mark Carney, he used to be a banker.
02:48Yes.
02:49And I feel like this is the first time ever
02:51that a banker isn't the villain.
02:55Well, we've got some form with Mark Carney,
02:57because he was in charge of the Bank of England.
02:59Yes.
03:00And according to Liz Truss,
03:01he was personally responsible for the economy collapsing.
03:04You nailed it, because that was indeed
03:07Donald Trump unwittingly having an influence
03:09on the Canadian general election.
03:10You can't use those words together,
03:12Donald Trump unwittingly.
03:13It's an oxymoron without the oxy.
03:20The pro-Trump Conservative candidate lost a 25-point lead,
03:24and that handed victory, of course,
03:26to the Liberal Party leader, Mark Carney.
03:28Well, it is an object lesson.
03:30Populists are not always popular,
03:32which is a great ray of sunshine in the world.
03:35It doesn't really go well with people on the whole,
03:37when you tell them,
03:38you're going to take over their country.
03:41That tends to make people who say,
03:42no, you're not, really popular.
03:45I do like that Trump is a...
03:47I hope I'm not speaking out of turn,
03:49not the most attractive man.
03:53You're a lone bear, sweetheart.
03:54And I think Mark Carney is a bit attractive,
03:58and it's nice to have someone who's not bad to look at
04:01in politics again.
04:07It's such a low bar, isn't it?
04:11Mark Carney expressed his delight at his victory in French.
04:15Does anybody know what he said?
04:16The French do.
04:17I would argue it was Canadian French,
04:21just for any French people out there.
04:23Sort of Quebecois?
04:24Yeah, because most French people are like,
04:26that's not French.
04:28But the French are very understanding.
04:33He said, um, bonsoir.
04:35Oh, quel bonsoir.
04:37Classic Del Boy French, that.
04:40Some hard-fought contests in this election, actually.
04:42Did you see who the Green Party leader had to beat
04:44to win the seat of the Saanich Gulf Islands?
04:49No, we didn't.
04:51All right, let's have a look.
04:53There you go.
04:59You see, he's a good-looking man.
05:01He may have lost to the Greens,
05:03but look, he wiped the floor with Colin Plant.
05:07Ironically not agreeing with that name.
05:11So, my favourite result was, however, here.
05:13This, of course, is the result for...
05:21Yes.
05:22Now, none of us know whether that's right or not.
05:25Yeah.
05:26I think it's the French bit of Canada, that bit.
05:28I hope they don't have an ice hockey team.
05:30Give us a C!
05:34So, you are, I presume, all familiar with Donald Trump's YMCA dance?
05:38Yes. Oh, yes.
05:39Have you seen that? Oh, yes.
05:40Yeah.
05:41It looks like he's grabbing an imaginary penis in both hands and just...
05:47I always thought he looked like he was drying himself with a towel.
05:49Oh, that?
05:50Yeah.
05:51Yes, he does, but you're right, he does do.
05:54Yes, you're right, it is much more like, what have I been doing?
05:57What?
05:58It's clearly not his penis because they would have to be...
06:07Well, to be fair, if he's getting it up that high, I think he should get a round of applause.
06:13Do you want to see Mark Carney celebrating how he dances?
06:15Yes.
06:16Yes.
06:17Let's have a look.
06:18Whoa, whoa, whoa, I see it.
06:19Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm here.
06:22Whoa, whoa, you say whoa, don't miss me.
06:27I saw that footage of him dancing and I thought, actually, that guy's pretty cool.
06:30And then I realised it's definitely all over for me.
06:34Do you Americans make jokes about the Canadians?
06:36Do you have any standard sort of...?
06:38I mean, to be honest, it's really going to sound like I'm piling on Canada,
06:41but we don't think about it too much.
06:45Have you heard the Canadian lobster joke?
06:47No.
06:48A man goes into a seafood restaurant and there are two tanks full of lobsters.
06:52He's told by the waiter that the tank of American lobsters has a lid on it
06:56because they're always trying to fight their way out to freedom.
06:59The tank of Canadian lobsters doesn't need a lid
07:01because as soon as one lobster tries to climb out, the others all put him back in.
07:05That's a Canadian joke.
07:08First one, he needs a captivated polter.
07:11Help, I'm being held captive in a TV studio.
07:17I've been asked to read the order queue against my will.
07:20I should never have left British Bake Off.
07:31That'll teach you.
07:32That will teach me.
07:34How has Donald Trump been celebrating his first 100 days?
07:37By lying through his teeth and telling people how wonderful it is.
07:41And when the stock market was doing really well last year,
07:43when Biden was president, he claimed it was Trump's own sort of credit
07:46because people knew he was going to become president.
07:48And now that it's tanking, he's saying it's Biden's fault.
07:51Exactly that.
07:52I just don't get why he has to make this stuff up, right?
07:54100 days in, look at the weather.
07:56Absolutely glory.
07:57100 days ago, freeze him.
08:00Yeah.
08:01No-one gives him any credit.
08:02No.
08:03Fake news media.
08:04He's made the weather great again.
08:05Absolutely.
08:08Particularly nice to say it's the worst 100 days for any president ever,
08:12and he's also been president before.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:18He's out Trump Trump.
08:19Yeah.
08:20What did he spend a quarter of his time doing in the 100 days?
08:22Playing golf.
08:23Yes, playing golf.
08:24Exactly right.
08:25He played golf for 24 days out of 100.
08:27Oh, I was going to say spending time with his children,
08:29who he loves so much.
08:30Sorry, Eric.
08:32Eric makes me sad to look at.
08:35He really does, yeah.
08:37You can tell in his face that he's never been hugged.
08:42His eyes are like a whirlpool of misery.
08:44Captivating.
08:48He has very recently signed something.
08:51I'm talking the minerals deal.
08:53Oh, yes, with Ukraine, yes.
08:54He's just signed that.
08:55And again, this was a deal which he told us a great deal about
08:58beforehand, and then when it actually appeared,
09:00it's not quite what he said.
09:02He said, well, Ukraine are going to have to pay back
09:04all the billions we've given them to defend themselves,
09:07and actually that's not what's going to happen.
09:10Yes, the other day he boasted that he'd made over 200 deals
09:13with other countries in the world,
09:15but there are only 196 countries in the world.
09:18LAUGHTER
09:19So he's made the deal four times with one country,
09:21which he shouldn't have bothered.
09:22Maybe it's the one with the penguins.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24Let's have a look at him at the Pope's funeral.
09:27Perhaps he was discussing mineral deals,
09:29here.
09:30There he is.
09:31It's a respectful thing to do, isn't it?
09:32Just pull up a chair in an old basilica somewhere
09:35and just natter about minerals.
09:37LAUGHTER
09:38I think that was the moment where he had a divine revelation.
09:41He suddenly realised that Putin might be what we call bad.
09:44LAUGHTER
09:46I'm just surprised because he did say that he was going to stop
09:49this war between Ukraine and Russia, I think,
09:51before he even got in office.
09:53Yeah.
09:54Yeah, but look at the weather.
09:56Yeah.
09:57LAUGHTER
09:58Ukraine supplies 5% of the world's minerals
10:01and you can find the other 95% at Holland and Barrett.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05Donald Trump's approval ratings after 100 days
10:07are the worst of any president at this stage for 80 years.
10:11It's not his fault, OK?
10:13So who's he blaming?
10:15Oh, fake polls and fake news.
10:16Yeah, the polls are fake.
10:17News.
10:18Any particular outlets we think that he's targeting?
10:20Is it all of them?
10:21Yes, it's all of them.
10:23New York Times, Washington Post, ABC News and even now Fox News.
10:28This is what he wrote on Truth Social.
10:30These people should be investigated for election fraud.
10:33They are negative criminals.
10:35They are sick and are truly the enemy of the people.
10:39I wish them well.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:44What did he say about running for a third term recently?
10:48Well, he's not running for anything.
10:50LAUGHTER
10:53He hasn't ruled it out, is what he said, hasn't he?
10:55Yeah.
10:56He absolutely has not ruled it out.
10:57He said, that would be a big shattering.
11:00I doubt he's had one of those for a while.
11:03LAUGHTER
11:04What with that diet.
11:06What new product have the Chinese been manufacturing
11:09since the US trade war began?
11:11Glee.
11:13Now, their human rights card is far from blemish-free,
11:18but I'm rooting for China?
11:21I'm not going to go that far.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:25I'm just going to keep my powder dry on China for a bit.
11:28That's all right.
11:29They invented it.
11:30Yes, they did.
11:31Hey!
11:32Historical joke, topical show.
11:34What do we think?
11:36I'll give you a clue.
11:38It's scatological in nature.
11:40What have they invented?
11:41My daughter's got a remote-controlled poo.
11:43She's got remote-controlled poo?
11:45Yeah.
11:46It's like a little poo emoji that you drive around the front room.
11:49I assume that...
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51They must come from China.
11:53This must be an opportunity to make more.
11:55Is it not from Thames Water?
11:57LAUGHTER
11:58They have made this rather alarming toilet brush.
12:08There it is.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:12He may be faring badly with the electorate,
12:14but he's still connecting with a few floaters.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:18Peter Starmer seems to be much more keen on appeasing Trump.
12:21What is the latest bit of toadying?
12:23Oh, we're going to give him a golf tournament.
12:26Yes, he's trying to persuade the organisers of the Open Golf Tournament
12:28to hold the event at one of Trump's golf courses.
12:31Yes.
12:32And then let Trump enter and win.
12:34Possibly.
12:35And then he can wear a green jacket and say,
12:38I'm king of the world.
12:40Trump Turnberry, where he held a press conference on June 24th 2016,
12:45a fair while ago now, but since then has said countless times
12:48that he flew to the UK the day before Brexit,
12:51predicted it was going to happen and he took a lot of heat,
12:53but he was right.
12:54He said that to a press conference full of journalists,
12:56but nobody pointed out to him,
12:57we were all there, mate, it was the day after.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:01Fake news, fake news.
13:04If you remember, Donald Trump was given a really sensational welcome
13:09on his first visit to Turnberry by the late comedian Janie Godley.
13:23This is the news that Canada, for so long the butt of jokes
13:26for being incredibly dull and boring,
13:28has now chosen to be run by a bank manager.
13:31Meanwhile, Donald Trump was initially reluctant to sign a deal
13:35that only gave him access to Ukraine's titanium,
13:38and lithium.
13:40In the end, he only agreed when Zelensky threw in their entire deposits
13:43of made-upium and unobtainium.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:47According to the Daily Mail, Donald Trump may become the fifth president
13:50to have his face carved on Mount Rushmore.
13:53Though, to get the colour right, they really should do it in Australia.
13:56LAUGHTER
13:59Donald Trump told reporters,
14:01I'd like to be Pope.
14:03Oh, my God.
14:04Well, he does tick some of the boxes.
14:06He thinks he's infallible.
14:07He believes he was chosen by God.
14:09He's really comfortable around sexual predators.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:18Paul and Tom, here are yours, my lovelies.
14:21Yes, this is a...
14:23Oh, the lights have gone out.
14:24So this must be Spain and Portugal.
14:26There's a man directing traffic by...
14:28Everybody ignoring him.
14:29And this is when the lights probably came back on again.
14:31Is it?
14:32No, it isn't.
14:33Oh, it is dark again.
14:34There they are.
14:35Yeah, Spain and Portugal, they had a massive power cut,
14:37didn't they?
14:38It's the whole of Spain just powering down for the afternoon.
14:40I've heard of it.
14:41I've never seen the pictures.
14:42LAUGHTER
14:43Incredible.
14:44It is the news that a massive power usage caused chaos for millions
14:47of people in Spain and Portugal, transport badly affected.
14:50One high-speed train between Seville and Barcelona stopped
14:53in the middle of nowhere and, according to The Times,
14:55passengers reported being stationary for two and a half hours
14:59with no Wi-Fi or air conditioning, plus the toilet stopped working.
15:03It's hard to imagine, isn't it?
15:05LAUGHTER
15:09What, just two hours?
15:11Perhaps the most disturbing sign of societal breakdown,
15:15drivers moved uncharacteristically cautiously.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:20Stopping courteously for pedestrians.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:25As well as traffic chaos, computer screens died,
15:27water wasn't coming out of taps, mobile phone networks went down
15:30and, scarily for those trapped inside, lifts stopped working
15:34and all the lights went out.
15:36So, here is a footage that was sent in to us by one person
15:39who had the experience of being trapped in a lift in Barcelona.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:47Thank you for sharing.
15:49Mail Online leapt into action at this moment and they sent an urgent
15:53call-out to any Brits in Spain without electricity or mobile
15:56phone signal.
15:57Has your holiday been affected?
15:59LAUGHTER
16:00Get in touch.
16:02What?
16:03How?
16:04During the 13 hours of ensuing confusion, what unexpectedly became
16:09king?
16:10Candles.
16:11Cash.
16:12Candles had a high value.
16:13Yes.
16:14But cash indeed became king.
16:16Card machines and tills would not work, so only cash payments
16:18were possible.
16:19According to The Guardian, Zara shut its flagship store in Madrid,
16:23bringing a halt to the panic buying of ruffled crop tops.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:30How did British holidaymakers in Benidorm cope?
16:33Well, they were already blacked out.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:37Well, you're pretty much right, actually.
16:38Charlie Robb was enjoying a beer with mates in Benidorm when all
16:41the power went off.
16:42He told The Sun they just carried on regardless.
16:46We only gave up when it got so dark we couldn't see what we were
16:49drinking.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:53They should have had a Bud Light.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:56Do you know, I'm a real twat because he might have been from
16:58Totnes.
16:59Yeah.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01Wasn't that from Totnes?
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03It sounded like a real working-class person to me.
17:06LAUGHTER
17:09He kept drinking until he got dark.
17:11LAUGHTER
17:13That's much more authentic.
17:15To be honest, I've drunk in total darkness.
17:17It doesn't matter what you're drinking.
17:18Just...
17:19No.
17:20Grab onto it and...
17:21Neck it.
17:22LAUGHTER
17:23And that's what I said to the arresting officer.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:28I personally love that Spain was like,
17:31we don't really know what happened.
17:33Mm.
17:34And then Portugal goes, it was Spain!
17:36LAUGHTER
17:38The overriding conspiracy theory here was that the power cut was
17:42caused by Ursula von der Leyen feeding it to her Illuminati chums.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47Here she is.
17:48Please activate the connection.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51Wow.
17:52The return of Kraftwerk.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:54That was actually the EU changing its energy supply from Russia
17:56to the Baltics.
17:57But they did try and blame it on net zero.
17:59And all the papers said, you know, this just shows that Britain
18:01should not rely on solar power or alternatives and net zero is a
18:05disaster.
18:06Because look at Spain.
18:07I think the most impressive thing about the whole ordeal was that
18:10Spain, they got it fixed in a day.
18:12And I've never seen anyone in Spain work that hard.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:17APPLAUSE
18:18A British audience clapping uncertainly.
18:22LAUGHTER
18:23So power-up for 13 hours.
18:24If it happened in the UK, it's thought that restoring it could take
18:25how long?
18:26Is it longer than HS2?
18:27Nothing is longer than HS2.
18:28Five to seven days.
18:29Is this the same thing that happened to MNS yesterday?
18:30Yes, I mean, it was not a similar thing.
18:31Because that was a serious...
18:32I'm quite interested in this story, but...
18:33LAUGHTER
18:34A British audience clapping uncertainly.
18:38So power-up for 13 hours.
18:40If it happened in the UK, it's thought that restoring it could take
18:44how long?
18:45Is it longer than HS2?
18:47Nothing is longer than HS2.
18:49Five to seven days.
18:51Is this the same thing that happened to MNS yesterday?
18:54It's...
18:55Yes, I mean, it was not a similar thing.
18:56Because that was a serious.
18:57I'm quite interested in this story, but...
18:59I mean, there were no tomatoes.
19:02We'll get to...
19:03We're going to get to your particular peccadillos and tomatillos soon.
19:07No, I'm just saying, there are serious things happening in the world.
19:10What's an essential item to have when the power goes?
19:13A tomato!
19:17No, the audio medium.
19:19Radio?
19:20Indeed, yeah.
19:21Yes.
19:22They're saying an essential thing would be a wind-up or a battery.
19:24Oh, yes, you used to get those wind-up radios, didn't you?
19:26Yeah, and that would be the perfect thing so you could tune in
19:28to a local radio station, hear what the news is,
19:30and when you've listened to that for a couple of hours, a gun.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:35Wind-up radio would be such a good name for a right-wing radio station.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:41You're listening to wind-up radio.
19:43Oh!
19:44It makes me hypertensive just thinking about it.
19:46I can hear the shock jock in my head.
19:48He popped up to offer some encouraging words on renewable energy.
19:51This was Sir Tony Blair.
19:53It was, it was.
19:54He returned to intervene in the debate and he told the Labour government
19:57that they shouldn't bother with net zero because it's unpopular
20:00and it's very difficult and they should calm it down a bit.
20:03And the fact that the Tony Blair Institute is very close and takes a lot
20:07of funds from the Saudi Arabian government, one of the world's
20:09biggest oil producers, probably didn't affect his judgement in the slightest,
20:16I would guess.
20:18APPLAUSE
20:20I think he said the rush to net zero is irrational and in fairness to him,
20:27if there's anyone who knows a lot about irrationally rushing into
20:30something, he has every right to speak.
20:33Who else suffered the outage, Ian?
20:35Marks and Spencers.
20:36Correct.
20:37Yes, it was, yes.
20:38And what particular vegetable was unavailable?
20:40Well, it could be classed as a fruit, but I'd say...
20:44APPLAUSE
20:50A boring answer, but in this country we'd be fine,
20:52because all of our tomatoes are grown with gas.
20:54They're in massive greenhouses in Kent,
20:56they're powered by gas-fired boilers,
20:58and all of the leftover gas is thrown into the greenhouse
21:01because plants love carbon dioxide.
21:03They're all gas-growing.
21:04I don't like the idea of gaseous tomatoes, do you?
21:09I don't mind, just any would have been good.
21:13Someone was trying to ransom them.
21:15Is it called ransomware? Malware?
21:17Clothes wear leisure wear.
21:21You ruin someone's IT system and then you say,
21:23I'll fix it for you and then you pay.
21:25And then when I said no...
21:26But you paid.
21:27Oh, I'd have paid whatever the ransomware...
21:30Does anyone know how hackers get through a door
21:33that requires a passcode?
21:35An axe.
21:36That would do it.
21:37I mean, there's no question.
21:38I would just carry a bunch of stuff and be like,
21:40can someone...?
21:43And that is exactly the right answer.
21:45Is it?
21:46Yes.
21:47The best way is to walk up to a door with two full cups of coffee
21:50and just wait for someone to open it and they'll usher you through.
21:53It's all like that at the House of Commons,
21:55whereby you can hold it open for someone but you're not meant to.
21:58And then after an election, it's a bit nerve-wracking
22:00because you look at the guy coming behind you and you're like,
22:03do I ask that guy if I know who he is?
22:05Because I'm pretty sure he might be the Chancellor of the Exchange.
22:08This is the blackout in Spain.
22:11During the blackout, traffic lights stopped working,
22:13confusing cyclists who suddenly found themselves
22:16with no red lights to ignore.
22:20Supermarkets in Madrid soon found their shelves emptied,
22:23meaning many Spanish families had to resort to eating nothing
22:26but tiny plates featuring a random selection of cold meats,
22:31olives, lumps of bread and small pieces of cheese.
22:35The end of the blackout was greeted in various ways.
22:38According to BBC News, one man started cheering
22:40when the washing machine came on again.
22:42He then excitedly called his wife through to empty it.
22:48Time now for round two, the strength-o-meter of news.
22:52So, fingers on, brothers, my lovelies.
22:54Right.
23:00Is this fly-tipping?
23:02It is fly-tipping, yes.
23:03Because apart from tomatoes, fly-tipping really annoys me.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:08Keir Starmer's made a big threat, hasn't he?
23:10He has.
23:11Do you want to see what Keir Starmer's actual tweet said?
23:13Yeah, because it's tough.
23:14Here it is.
23:15This is a message to the fly-tippers blighting our towns and villages.
23:18For too long your actions have gone unpunished.
23:21That ends now.
23:23We'll use drones and new tech to identify your vehicle.
23:26Then we'll crush it.
23:28And I will have my revenge in this life or the next.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:35Meanwhile, in Gaza...
23:38LAUGHTER
23:41So, what is so special?
23:42We saw a sofa there.
23:43What's so special about that sofa?
23:44It's very big.
23:45And it must have been a hell of a big vehicle to dump it in Gloucester.
23:49Well, it was tipped on a bit of wasteland just off the B4234,
23:52the village of Lydbrook.
23:54Mm-hm.
23:55And since April, it's been attracting tourists.
23:57Here is the sofa.
23:59It became such a popular spot for locals,
24:01they kept adding more to it, including a coffee table,
24:04a hat stand, a lampshade and a potted plant.
24:09And an old lady.
24:13And there's a character called Tumpsy.
24:14Who's Tumpsy and what's he got to do with it?
24:16Is he a local artist?
24:17He's a local artist?
24:18Yes.
24:19Yes.
24:20I think he's sort of like, I've gathered more and more items
24:22that are now sort of like, they're all turning up, you know,
24:24cheerleaders are turning up in groups to have their photographs taken.
24:26That is exactly right.
24:27For those who don't know Tumpsy,
24:29he was behind a rash of googly eyes popping up all over the village
24:34a couple of years ago,
24:35which was not as bad as the rash that went round the village
24:38the year previous.
24:41Do you want to see his work?
24:42Yes, please.
24:43Well, here it is.
24:47Oh, nice.
24:48Tumpsy's had his fun.
24:49Now they're going to find him and crush him.
24:51And crush him.
24:54This is the news that a fly-tipped sofa in Gloucestershire
24:56became a tourist attraction.
24:58Photographer Alex Elton-Wall has now taken over 170 portraits
25:01of local residents sitting on the abandoned sofa.
25:04So they now all have a permanent souvenir.
25:06As well as fleas.
25:08Whoever done the sofa has done it at the perfect time,
25:11because I do believe, I might be wrong, that this very week,
25:14DFS are having a sale...
25:18..which must end soon.
25:21Fingers on buzzers, teams.
25:23Here we go.
25:24It's hammer time.
25:28Local elections.
25:29There's going to be local elections today, which is Friday.
25:31And they were yesterday, which was Thursday.
25:36Correct, you're all over it.
25:37We know the results, but it would be rude to talk about them.
25:40Really rude.
25:41Really rude.
25:43I said that absolutely anything could happen, and it did.
25:46I know it's that dog has got the word friendly written on his lead.
25:50Yes.
25:51Are you convinced?
25:53Well...
25:57To be clear, we're recording this on a Thursday,
25:58we don't know what the results are.
25:59What did election guru Sir John Curtis say
26:01was unusual about these particular local elections?
26:05Any one of five parties could win?
26:07It's a five-way race.
26:08Yes, it's a five-way race.
26:10And in a historic shift, less than half of the voters
26:13were planning to vote for the traditional two parties,
26:15Labor and the Tories.
26:16He said that Labor's support had fallen faster
26:18than any previous newly elected government,
26:20and that reform had murdered the Tories,
26:22allowing the Lib Dems to slip through.
26:26Did he want to see Lib Dems slipping through?
26:28Yes, please.
26:30Here you go.
26:31Whoa!
26:32Whoa!
26:34What name were people giving to a possible reform landslide?
26:36Reform-ageddon.
26:39Is it?
26:40According to The Sun, it was called a reform quake.
26:42Oh, nice.
26:44That's the best they could come up with.
26:46Yeah.
26:47What about the reformation?
26:48Ah, reformation's much better, yeah.
26:50Yeah, thank you.
26:51If only I had a job.
26:54You can go and work for The Sun with a headliner.
26:56Are you serious, Ian?
26:57Who's going to give you a job?
26:59Well, you got one as Pope.
27:03It's not going to announce to you.
27:05You've got to wait for the smoke, haven't you?
27:06Yes, mate.
27:07Come on.
27:08Soon...
27:11Probably safe to say, even with no knowledge whatsoever,
27:14Labour have probably had a terrible night of it.
27:16Runcorn and Hellsby held a by-election after former Labour MP,
27:20Mike Ainsbury thumped one of his constituents in an argument
27:24about a bridge.
27:26What's the interesting thing about Runcorn?
27:28It doesn't have any bridges.
27:31It was recently voted Britain's most boring place to live.
27:35You go for a quiet beer and you get punched in the face by your MP,
27:37what's boring about that?
27:40Although The Telegraph in reaction to that did point out the town
27:43was once a centre of mustard gas production.
27:49It's also probably safe to say the Tories had a bad night.
27:52Does anyone know the sign that their heart wasn't really in it?
27:56Was their campaign manager went abroad?
27:59That's exactly right.
28:00Do you know...
28:01This is Baroness McLean.
28:02Do you know where she went?
28:03Was it Finland?
28:04The Himalayas.
28:08How did Tory MP Andrew Mitchell try and boost morale in the run-up?
28:12Did he sing?
28:13Did he have a video where he was singing and dancing?
28:15No, he spoke a bit of Latin and swore a bit.
28:17Oh, OK.
28:18Yeah, he said pro bono publico, don't bloody panico.
28:22So pro bono publico, Ian, how would you translate that?
28:25It means that the lead singer of you two runs a pub.
28:36You weren't interested in the real answer, were you?
28:38No.
28:39Go on, tell me, tell me.
28:40The good of the public, don't panic.
28:43And the idea that the Conservative MP is talking about the public good is odd.
28:50Sorry, that's bias.
28:53Well, he was actually quoting an old Tory MP called Rear Admiral Sir Morgan Morgan Giles.
29:00He'd obviously done something to upset his parents.
29:02Yes.
29:03Or when he was christened, the priest had a stutter.
29:06Is it over for Kemi Badenoch?
29:08Yeah.
29:09Correct.
29:11I like this idea that they're talking about potentially doing a pact, like a Tory reform pact.
29:16They won't quite say if it's going to happen, how it will work.
29:19But the Tories have got one party and they change leader every ten minutes.
29:24Faraj, one leader, the party changes every ten minutes.
29:29They could come together.
29:31They could be like the trigger's broom of politics.
29:33There's nothing they couldn't do.
29:35What would we call the party if they join up together?
29:37The refectory.
29:40The refectory.
29:42My dear.
29:46I'm just personally enjoying listening to the fact that you guys don't have it figured out either.
29:51America's falling apart and it's nice to know that, you know...
29:56We're doing it in a minor key.
29:59Our deterioration is done with politeness in the main.
30:02Yes.
30:03Keep calm and deteriorate.
30:04Yes.
30:06Dingus on buzzers.
30:08Oh!
30:09Where's my hammer?
30:10Oh!
30:11There it is.
30:16Yeah, Ian.
30:17This is a story about swearing being good for you.
30:20I'll give you...
30:21Yes, absolutely.
30:22It actually makes you stronger.
30:23Oh, does it?
30:24Do you swear much?
30:25I've never heard you swear.
30:26Oh, all the time.
30:30Bother.
30:31The scientists at the University of Kiel in Amsterdam gave participants a grip strength test.
30:37Yeah.
30:38And they were stronger while repeatedly saying a swear word.
30:42Much to the horror, of course, of the volunteers taking part in the aggression sensitivity workshop next door.
30:47So swearing apparently while you perform a task makes you happier and more positive.
30:53And it also freezes of self-control and inhibitions in a similar way to alcohol.
30:58Which explains, of course, why I'm happiest naked at 2am opening a jar of fucking pickles.
31:03While we're on the subject, would anyone like to see Brian Blessed, an early adopter as we know of this theory, putting his hand in a bucket of ice?
31:13Yes, please.
31:14Yes.
31:15Here it is.
31:16Can you give me a word that you might use?
31:17Yes, I would say bollocks, fuck it.
31:18Just one word.
31:19Well, bollocks.
31:20OK.
31:22Whoa.
31:24Bollocks.
31:26Oh, bollocks.
31:28Bollocks!
31:29Is that all I can say?
31:30Bollocks?
31:31Bollocks!
31:34Bollocks!
31:36Well, see, this is happening in a theatre, but it is a radical interpretation of King Lear that we want to do.
31:42Is that Royal Albert Haw?
31:43Yeah, we always do stuff like that.
31:45I mean, that's classic.
31:46That's classic British entertainment.
31:47Oh, OK.
31:48He sold that out for six months.
31:52That's how we celebrate a new monarch coming to the throne.
31:56Time now for the odd one-out round.
31:58Just one between you this week, and it is Anne Boleyn's fingers, murders in Midsommar, Elon Musk's progeny, and penises on the biotapestry.
32:11Well, Anne Boleyn was repeated to have six fingers.
32:15Yes.
32:16She didn't, but it was made up later by Catholic writers.
32:19I think she was meant to have 11.
32:20Sorry?
32:21I think she was meant to have 11.
32:23You're quite right.
32:24We'll take over from here.
32:28Finally, some sense.
32:31Carry on, you BuzzFeed.
32:33I want to hear you talking about Midsommar Murders like you've ever heard of it before.
32:36With the Bayer Tapestry, they discovered, some academic says, that man has a penis on display.
32:44And everybody else said, look, come on, it's a scabbard.
32:47He's clearly somewhere to keep his sword.
32:48And he said, no, it's an undiscovered penis.
32:50So there's one more penis on the Bayer Tapestry.
32:54They're quite a lot, but this is an extra.
32:56So I'm thinking with Anne Boleyn, I'm thinking the connection is extra numbers.
33:03Extra bits. Extra bits.
33:06And Elon Musk has over 8 million children.
33:12And he gives birth to them by them coming out the back of his neck.
33:14And there you can see one there emerging into the world.
33:18He has a disputed number of children, I think.
33:20Yes.
33:21So I would think that three of them are in dispute.
33:24Whereas in Midsommar Murders, there is a hell of a lot of murders,
33:27but there's a clear figure.
33:28So it could be Midsommar Murders.
33:30It's exactly the right answer.
33:32APPLAUSE
33:36You're absolutely right.
33:37The total number of all of them is disputed,
33:39apart from Murders in Midsommar.
33:41It's witnessed exactly 388 murders,
33:43although the most common cause of death amongst its viewers,
33:46old age.
33:49What are some of the more unusual implements used to murder victims?
33:54Someone definitely died with a wheel of cheese involved.
33:56They did, yes.
33:57They were crushed by a truckle of blue cheese.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:01And being submerged in a bowl of hard-boiled eggs.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:05And forgot the safe word, if you remember.
34:07Yes.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:09One death involved a tumble dryer.
34:12Let's have a look at this.
34:13What's the whole body in there?
34:14Could have shrunk in the wash first.
34:27APPLAUSE
34:28Now, the number of penises embroidered on the biotapestry.
34:30One medieval scholar, Dr George Garnett, thought he'd put the matter to bed six long years ago,
34:33when he totted up a total of 93 penises.
34:35Five men, 88 horses.
34:36Yeah.
34:37However, his medievalist rival, Dr Christopher Monk,
34:39he's an expert on Anglo-Saxon nudity.
34:40LAUGHTER
34:41That's what he tells the wife.
34:42LAUGHTER
34:43LAUGHTER
34:44That's what he tells the wife.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:46He recently spotted...
34:47..a mistletoe of penises embroidered on the biotapestry.
34:48One medieval scholar, Dr George Garnett, thought he'd put the matter to bed
34:50six long years ago, when he totted up a total of 93 penises.
34:54Five men, 88 horses.
34:56Yeah.
34:57However, his medievalist rival, Dr Christopher Monk, he's an expert on Anglo-Saxon nudity.
35:04LAUGHTER
35:05That's what he tells the wife.
35:07LAUGHTER
35:10He recently spotted a mist penis, which has taken the total to a whacking great 94.
35:17I'm hoping that that is not a penis in the tapestry,
35:20because it looks rather infected.
35:22Yeah.
35:23It looks like one of those things you see in fog with a red light on the top of it
35:26that'll let you know it's there.
35:28LAUGHTER
35:29Penis vegans.
35:30That's it, penis vegans, yeah.
35:32Cock lights.
35:33Yes.
35:34I used to go out with his sister.
35:35LAUGHTER
35:36Professor Garnett, who's written a paper describing 93 penises he's discovered on the tapestry,
35:45said he believed that the original designer had an obsession with male genitalia.
35:50All right, mate, you're the one counting them.
35:53LAUGHTER
35:54I think this is a common thing that men do, is that they think, you know,
35:59we'd like to see their penises a lot.
36:01They send us all these pictures of them.
36:03Are you suggesting the tapestry is one giant dick pic?
36:06LAUGHTER
36:08What's up with Anne Boleyn's fingers?
36:10Six on one hand, five on the other, said.
36:12Yeah.
36:13But they were trying to make her out to be a witch.
36:15You're right.
36:16It was vengeful Catholic historians trying to sully her reputation after the fact.
36:19Anne Boleyn is rumoured to have had six fingers, making her the only person
36:23who could possibly count the number of wives Henry had on one hand.
36:27LAUGHTER
36:28Why don't people know how many children Elon Musk has got?
36:31Doesn't he believe that he needs a legion, he keeps using this word,
36:35a legion of children in order to repopulate the globe in his own image?
36:39Because only when everyone is like Musk will humanity...
36:45I can't even finish the sentence.
36:47LAUGHTER
36:49He's said to have been offering his sperm to friends.
36:54LAUGHTER
36:56Just a sherry for me.
36:57LAUGHTER
37:02According to somebody at the Wall Street Journal, what did he say
37:05to one of his alleged baby mummers, Ashley St Clair?
37:08I saw this but I can't remember what it was.
37:10It was something particularly charmless, I remember that.
37:12You're absolutely right, it was charmless.
37:13He said they need to have ten children together, adding,
37:17we need to reach legion level before the apocalypse,
37:20we're going to need surrogates.
37:23The old romantic.
37:25LAUGHTER
37:26Time now for the missing words round, which this week
37:29features as its guest publication, Openings.
37:33The magazine of the British Blind and Shutter Association.
37:37And we're going to start with...
37:39For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy what?
37:43Just off the M5 motorway.
37:45For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the sexual...
37:48LAUGHTER
37:50..of Giles Band... Oh, no, forget it.
37:53LAUGHTER
37:55Even the thought of it, you can't get through the sentence.
37:58For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the sexual favours
38:01of Giles Brandriff just off the M5 motorway,
38:03that's what I was going to say, but obviously I won't say that now.
38:05For just £40, you could bag the chance to enjoy the latest...
38:08What's that low? What happened there?
38:10Deviation.
38:11LAUGHTER
38:16The answer is a murder mystery night
38:18with the British Blind and Shutter Association.
38:20LAUGHTER
38:22Next, disco singer what outside a fish and chip shop in Aberdeen?
38:26Battered.
38:27LAUGHTER
38:30Told he looks like Elon Musk.
38:33Yeah.
38:34Here is Luxembourgish singer Hugo One.
38:37Yes!
38:38He does, the guy on the left, he looks a lot like him.
38:40He does, yeah.
38:41Next, what's mistaken for rubbish and thrown in the bin?
38:45Love Island.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:49Our declaration of independence.
38:51LAUGHTER
38:52Andy Warhol, Prince.
38:54Do you know what?
38:55Yeah, it's right, I know.
38:56It's the sort of story, yeah.
38:57It's Andy Warhol.
38:58It's the rare portrait of former Dutch Queen Beatrix
39:02before it was taken out with the bins.
39:03According to the Star, the town's mayor, Hans van der Paas,
39:06was red-faced.
39:08But it was a Warhol, so there was also a lot of him.
39:10Blue-faced, yellow-faced and pink-faced.
39:12LAUGHTER
39:13Next.
39:14The 1988 British Blind and Shutter show in Solihull
39:17is remembered for what?
39:19It's remembered for both its opening and its closing.
39:23LAUGHTER
39:24George Whittaker's impression of the Israeli.
39:27LAUGHTER
39:28Well, if it was in Solihull, it was probably remembered
39:30for it being the last time the bins were collected.
39:33LAUGHTER
39:34Well, the answer is the torrential rain which turned the car park
39:38into a quagmire.
39:39Yeah.
39:40That's news.
39:41Yeah.
39:42The non-stop rain made it a bad day for fans of blinds and shutters
39:45and it certainly was curtains for the barbecue.
39:48LAUGHTER
39:49Next.
39:50The 100th birthday of the chocolate digestive
39:53was celebrated with what?
39:54A mass dunking.
39:55Tips on how to eat them properly,
39:57cos you're meant to eat with the chocolate bit at the bottom
40:00and the plain bit at the top, according to the manufacturers.
40:03I read this recently and it was an abomination to me.
40:05Yeah, I know, it doesn't make sense.
40:06Did you try it?
40:07No, I wouldn't do that.
40:08Neither would I.
40:09I don't know.
40:10It's a biscuit portrait of Sir Trevor MacDonald.
40:15LAUGHTER
40:17Should be Sir Trevor McVitish.
40:19LAUGHTER
40:20Next.
40:21Jeremy Vine, once what, in a park in Cheam?
40:25Hyperventilated.
40:26Relieved himself.
40:27Effective to the Russians.
40:29Spotted a squirrel looking at him funny.
40:31LAUGHTER
40:32The actual answer is,
40:33disguised 20 tins of tomato as nuclear waste.
40:37Can I say that's an enormous waste?
40:40LAUGHTER
40:41He did it in 1980.
40:42Yeah.
40:43He put radiation stickers on the tins.
40:44The police cordoned off the area,
40:45worried that they would go off,
40:46which, to be fair, they probably have by now.
40:48Next.
40:49Night vision camera.
40:50Captures a beaver in Cornwall.
40:51What?
40:52Split in the atom.
40:53A second home.
40:54LAUGHTER
40:55They're barely there most of the year.
40:56The answer is...
40:57Breaking Wind.
40:58Do you want to see the video?
41:10Yep, a clip there from David Attenborough's new series,
41:13Blue Off Planet.
41:15So...
41:16Finally, there's a saying in the shutter community,
41:19the bigger your window...
41:20The wider you walk.
41:22The wider you walk.
41:23The wider you walk.
41:24The wider you walk.
41:25The wider you walk.
41:27The wider the window, the more likely it's a door.
41:30The wider you walk.
41:31The bigger the window,
41:32the more likely Putin will throw you out.
41:35Well, that's a saying in the shutter community.
41:37It is.
41:38You were all sort of in the right ballpark.
41:40No, we weren't.
41:41The bigger your louvre need to be.
41:42Yeah, exactly.
41:43And if you are wondering what a louvre shutter is,
41:46it's a stoppy French bloke telling you the gallery is closing
41:48just as you get to the Mona Lisa.
41:52I am still wondering what one is.
41:55The louvre.
41:56I think it's one of those ones... So it's fixed blinds and then you have a stick and then...
42:03And the fabric goes.
42:05Oh, we of course have a different name in America.
42:08What's it called?
42:09I think it's like a cottage shutter.
42:11No, we don't have that. That's... No, we...
42:17That's very different in Arnish.
42:19But you can't go blind.
42:29Final scores.
42:31Oh, we have Ian and Michelle on five and Paul and Tom also on five.
42:36It's a dead heat. Well done.
42:38I'm so nearly one.
42:44On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Michelle Wolfe
42:47and Paul Merton and Tom Peck.
42:49And I leave you with news that at an interactive Only Fools and Horses event,
42:53staff carefully position the audience as the actors prepare to perform
42:56the famous chandelier scene.
43:01I take modern.
43:02Visitors are baffled by a new exhibit called simply Fabricant.
43:10And in the Loire Valley, there is a moment of embarrassment for the height-sensitive
43:14actor, Emmanuel Macron, as a photographer captures him inspecting the
43:17asparagus crops.
43:22Good night.
43:23You are still under surveillance.
43:24You are now under surveillance.
43:25You are hanging on you by time in the Loire Valley.
43:26I am Herzog andras.
43:28Stop yelling at you at your house.
43:29You're practicing for a gruesome smartgame,
43:30whether you lay in charge of from theorgan choral creature
43:32and actors kill it in the glass-sized Couple there.
43:34As soon as soon as a creature
43:38and a user may get up to the award,
43:41so everyone walks through against the awards to come and see
43:46all the net band.
43:47I'm just happy to see Mama Rodney Everett like this movie.