Angela Rippon is host, with guest panellists comedian Jo Brand and writer and broadcaster Richard Osman joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.
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00:30Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Angela Rippon.
00:42Now, in the news this week,
00:43Jeff Bezos denies funding his fiancée's spaceflight
00:47by siphoning money from other projects
00:49as testing begins on Amazon's new flying delivery vehicles.
01:00In Shropshire, after an entire group of Alcoholics Anonymous
01:04all fall off the wagon at the same time,
01:07attempts to pinpoint a cause focus on the previous day's guest speaker.
01:18And in Cheltenham, Frankie de Tori is forced to improvise
01:22as his car indicators stop working.
01:30On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently said
01:33that she sees no reason to retire
01:35as there are some amazing examples of people still going into their 80s.
01:41Will you please welcome the guest on tonight's winning team,
01:44Jo Brand.
01:51On Paul's team tonight is a best-selling author and presenter
01:54who recorded 1,300 episodes of the game show Pointless,
01:59giving away total prize money of almost £300.
02:05Will you please welcome Richard Osman.
02:11Well, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:15Ian and Jo, here are yours.
02:19St Peter's Square.
02:21That's the shortlist for Pope.
02:23Can't get in.
02:25What's the news?
02:26They're sealing the door.
02:28I know, I've seen Conkley.
02:30Oh, and that's J.D. Vance, asking for forgiveness.
02:35Is he not J.D. Vance anymore?
02:38I thought he was J.D. Sports.
02:41The Pope's dead.
02:43On Easter Monday, wasn't it?
02:44It was.
02:44Yes, indeed.
02:45Shortly after he met J.D. Vance.
02:48Yeah.
02:48I think it's Vance, isn't it?
02:50Yeah.
02:50Yes, it was meeting J.D. Vance.
02:53Vance.
02:53Vance or Vance.
02:55Yes.
02:55He was given advance warning.
02:59And there he is.
03:00Yes.
03:01You can see the look in the Pope's eyes, can't you?
03:04Right, that's it.
03:05I'm off.
03:10It's the sort of Liz Truss effect, isn't it?
03:12This is indeed the news that the Pope has died.
03:17Thousands of mourners got the chance to file past the Pope's coffin just as soon as Holly
03:22and Phil had paid their respects.
03:24He was visited by J.D. Vance and in recognition of the Pope's record on speaking out against
03:36climate change, J.D. arrived at the Vatican in a motorcade of 40 four-by-fours.
03:44I can't do that sum.
03:45Yeah.
03:46I've been on before when a Pope died.
03:50Yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:51So I think I've had two dead Popes now.
03:53If I get a third, I think that makes me the Antichrist.
03:56You're on the way.
03:57I could live without it.
03:58Yeah.
03:59Imagine the car insurance if you're the Antichrist.
04:01Yeah, yeah.
04:02You could arrive in six six-by-sixes.
04:04Now, Ian, do you know about the eerie coincidence involving the Welsh footballer, Aaron Ramsey?
04:17Do you know, I don't.
04:20Anybody?
04:21Yes, I think every time a Pope has died, he scored for Wales or for Arsenal or for...
04:27Can't be a Pope dies every time he scores.
04:29That'd be 20 Popes a season, wouldn't it?
04:30Funnily enough, you're right, because every time he scores a goal, a famous person dies.
04:38Oh, OK.
04:39When he scored twice in two games in 2016, David Bowie and Alan Rittman died.
04:43To be honest, a famous person dies every day, so this correlation is statistically poor.
04:55Sorry, I've just got to get that.
04:56Hang on.
04:58Hello, yeah.
04:58Well, I could start on Monday.
05:05Yeah, I was brought up as a Catholic, yeah.
05:16I've got to finish this and I'll be with you.
05:17Yeah.
05:18Hey!
05:20I don't care about the score now.
05:22That's fantastic.
05:23Habamus Papam.
05:25How dare you?
05:26Imagine if you ring Sky Bet and say, give me odds for Paul Merton to be a Pope.
05:30So, who are the leading candidates for the top job of Pope?
05:36They're lining up the candidates.
05:38Ray Fiennes.
05:40So, you've seen the film as well?
05:43Yes, and like most newspaper journalists, I thought that's enough research.
05:46I'd go for Stanley Tucci, who is the menopausal lady's fave.
05:55There's lots of very, very...
05:57There are names of people who sound like they're going to be Pope.
05:59And then there's a Kevin.
06:01I know that, because I looked through the betting.
06:03Right.
06:03And Kevin was 20 to 1.
06:05I think he was born in Dublin.
06:06Right, OK.
06:07And then went to America most of his life.
06:10That's all I've got out of there.
06:11Well, basically, he's the caretaker Pope.
06:13He locks up at night.
06:14Yeah, he locks up at night.
06:16That's the job you've been offered.
06:18Um...
06:19LAUGHTER
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21Wow.
06:24Wow.
06:26I think I might have him excommunicated.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:28So, what happens next?
06:30Well, you know, I'll be travelling to Rome tomorrow.
06:36A bit before then, what happens next?
06:38Oh, I should go home and tell the wife and said,
06:40this is probably going to make it a bit awkward for you.
06:44Well, world leaders, of course, have been paying tribute to the Pope.
06:48Did any of you see Donald Trump's tribute?
06:51I quite liked what he said about coming to...
06:53Because he's going to the funeral.
06:55And he said,
06:56really looking forward to it, exclamation mark.
07:00Well, he actually paid tribute to the Pope
07:03with all the solemnity and dignity
07:06that we have come to expect from Donald.
07:08In the US, President Trump ordered flags at the White House
07:12and on government buildings to be lowered.
07:14He paid tribute to the Pope during an Easter egg hunt in Washington,
07:19appearing on balcony with his wife and a giant rabbit.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23He was a good man, worked hard.
07:27He loved the world and it's an honour to do that.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33There's a threesome to die for.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:36I think he was thinking it would be another type of bunny.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42Well, fortunately, there were no photographers on hand
07:45to make Trump look ridiculous.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:49LAUGHTER
07:51You'd think he'd try and get his hand the same shade as his face,
07:58wouldn't you?
08:01What has the US said recently regarding Ukraine?
08:05He said it's Zelensky's fault.
08:07There would be peace if only the person whose country had been invaded
08:10would just shut up.
08:11Also, he said,
08:11we're going to pull out, we're not interested in negotiating
08:13a peace settlement, we're just going to give up on it,
08:15we're going to pass on it, I think was the phrase they used.
08:17Yeah, he's bored.
08:17Yeah.
08:18I mean, he's considered, you know, this important matter for days.
08:22But didn't he say he was going to stop the war in a day
08:24as soon as he became president, Trump said that?
08:26He did.
08:26And then, didn't he say...
08:28100 days.
08:29100 days.
08:29100 days, right, yeah.
08:29But like a lot of things he said, it isn't true.
08:34Trump posted about Zelensky on Truth Social saying,
08:38we are very close to a deal, but the man with no cards to play
08:42should now finally get it done.
08:44But then, also on Thursday, Trump posted,
08:47I am not happy with the Russian strikes on Kyiv.
08:51Not necessary.
08:52Very bad timing.
08:54Vladimir, stop!
08:56That's telling him.
08:57Now, what has Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth done for a second time?
09:03He's leaked confidential information about war plans
09:06and this time he appears to have told his wife and her brother
09:10and all his friends.
09:12And this time he's really cross,
09:15because last time he didn't get fired
09:16and this time there was some suggestion he might.
09:19Is that right?
09:21Well, yes, but how did Hegseth defend himself?
09:24Didn't he say someone made it up?
09:26Well...
09:27Oh, he said, no, that's right.
09:28He said, somebody's been leaking information
09:30without realising that it's him.
09:33He's the one that's been doing it.
09:37Well, he certainly didn't deny it,
09:39but what he did do was attack the news media by saying,
09:42you get anonymous sources with Axis to Grind
09:45and then you pull it all together
09:46as if it's some kind of news story?
09:50Well, the satirical website Babylon Bee pointed out this.
09:55Are you still interested in receiving texts
09:58about upcoming military strikes?
10:03Reply, stop to unsubscribe.
10:06What message did Boris Johnson recently admit
10:11to sending in error?
10:13I'm your father.
10:16And yours.
10:17And yours.
10:19In the Daily Mail this week,
10:21Boris Johnson described how he sent
10:23a WhatsApp message in error
10:24and a message read,
10:27Hi, babe, I'm at the Duty Free.
10:29He sent it to every Conservative MP
10:32and, worse than all,
10:33he sent it to his wife.
10:38Well, we know tariffs are playing havoc
10:40with the American economy,
10:42but what else is adding to their financial troubles?
10:45Is it Rachel Reeves visiting?
10:48Oh, no, it's much more serious than that.
10:50No one wants to go there on holiday.
10:52Oh, yes.
10:52Yes.
10:53Yes.
10:54According to The Times,
10:56numbers of tourists entering the US
10:58have fallen by over 10% in just one month
11:01because people are either...
11:02They've all been arrested
11:03and sent to El Salvador.
11:06Almost, yes.
11:07They're not going
11:08because they either disapprove
11:09of what the Trump administration is doing
11:11or they are seriously worried
11:13that they may be arrested
11:14and then deported.
11:15Yes, I haven't booked any holidays.
11:19Oh, man,
11:20you're going to be at that airport
11:21for so long.
11:23You're going to hear the snap
11:24of that rubber glove.
11:29It was in Italy.
11:30There was Americans next to us.
11:32They heard me speak English
11:33and this woman leant over
11:35and said,
11:36I'd like to apologise
11:37for the orange one.
11:40She couldn't even say his name.
11:42Was there?
11:43She was just too embarrassed.
11:45She's probably eating
11:46a bag of Revels.
11:50So, this is the news
11:52that Pope Francis
11:53has passed away
11:54at the age of 88.
11:56Prince William
11:56the man Sir Keir Starmer
11:58will be travelling
11:59to Vatican City
12:00to represent the UK
12:01at the Pope's funeral.
12:03It'll be two and a half hours
12:04of incomprehensible waffle.
12:07But hopefully,
12:08Starmer will shut up
12:09once the funeral starts.
12:12Donald Trump
12:13solemnly announced
12:14the Pope's death
12:15from the White House balcony.
12:17According to the new statesman,
12:18Trump then
12:19walked downstairs,
12:21stopped
12:21and turned
12:22to salute
12:23the Easter bunny.
12:27Well, to be fair,
12:28the bunny
12:28had just been made
12:29head of US Armed Forces.
12:32One Italian candidate
12:34for Pope
12:35is Cardinal
12:36Pizzabella
12:37who once
12:38offered himself up
12:39in a hostage exchange deal.
12:41A deal that also included
12:43free garlic bread
12:44and a bottle of Fanta.
12:45Paul and Richard?
12:48Yeah.
12:48Here's yours.
12:51So, this is a monkey
12:52enjoying a drink
12:53and that's the 1970s
12:54for you.
12:55That's somebody's
12:56had too much to drink
12:57and there's some more beer.
13:00So, yes,
13:00we know this, don't we,
13:01but this is about
13:02monkeys consuming alcohol.
13:03They get drunk.
13:04Monkeys.
13:05Monkeys are getting drunk.
13:05They've been spotted
13:06in the jungle
13:07eating sort of like
13:09rotten fruit
13:09that's turned into alcohol
13:10and they're all sitting
13:11around having a good time.
13:12It's the first time
13:13it's been observed
13:13using alcohol
13:15to lubricate
13:17a social gathering.
13:18You're so right.
13:19Yeah, I know.
13:19I wouldn't have said it otherwise.
13:20Yeah.
13:23This is the news
13:24that our pub culture
13:25may have evolved
13:26from apes.
13:26Yes, exactly.
13:27Yes, it's the first time
13:28they've been seen doing this
13:29and some one of them
13:30has put up a dartboard.
13:32The second Attenborough
13:33is out of the picture.
13:34They do everything.
13:35They talk,
13:35they drive.
13:36Yeah.
13:37They're watching Netflix.
13:39Yeah.
13:40They're just talking
13:40about adolescence.
13:41Is it all male monkeys
13:45or are they...
13:46Of course.
13:48Ian, give it 30 years, mate.
13:50Come on.
13:51Yeah, and then
13:52we'll pop along
13:52for a sherry.
13:55Well, it's researchers
13:56at the University of Exeter
13:57in Devon
13:58who've observed
13:58chimpanzees
13:59in Giddy Bissau.
14:01What happens
14:01when people get together
14:02for a drink in a pub
14:03that researchers think
14:04may have evolved
14:05from this chimp's behaviour?
14:08Pork scratchings.
14:08There's a chimp in a preserve
14:11getting up and saying,
14:12I'll get these.
14:14You're my best mate.
14:17Just like the bushes
14:17go, I'll give that
14:18five minutes if I were you.
14:19Yeah.
14:23The scientific answer is
14:25that alcohol releases
14:26dopamine,
14:27leading to feelings
14:28of happiness
14:28and relaxation.
14:29Yes.
14:30And drinking in groups
14:31strengthens social bonds.
14:33Yes.
14:33And in fact,
14:34animals have often
14:35been first to do
14:35something that we now
14:36all do all the time,
14:38like taking an Uber ride.
14:39And if you don't believe me,
14:40just watch this.
14:42It's really cute.
14:43This is so cool.
14:43I don't know
14:43that that part is locked.
14:44Let's find out.
14:45Will he just...
14:46Oh, Greg.
14:47Greg.
14:49Oh, my God.
14:49Oh, God.
14:52Oh, my God, Greg!
14:53Oh, my God, Greg!
14:53Oh, my God!
14:57The woods, please,
14:58and I'm in a hurry.
14:58Staying with alcohol,
15:09what is the main ingredient
15:12in a new beer
15:13that is being developed
15:14in Austria?
15:15It's not a plant
15:16of any kind, is it?
15:17No.
15:17Chocolate.
15:18No.
15:18Concrete.
15:19Yes.
15:20Bisons.
15:20No.
15:22A portable loo company
15:24is developing a beer
15:25made from human urine.
15:27Disgusting, perhaps,
15:30but when you think about it,
15:31not the worst thing
15:31to have come out of Austria.
15:33Yeah.
15:36I've got a question, though.
15:37If you drink that,
15:38do you piss lager?
15:42Well, the researchers
15:43at the portable loo company
15:45collect the contents
15:46and then they extract the urine.
15:49You mean they take the piss?
15:50They take the piss.
15:53Sorry.
15:53You know you can get tiger urine
15:55that scares foxes off
15:57from your garden.
15:57You get tiger urine
15:58and elephant urine.
15:59Yeah.
16:00And that's someone's job,
16:01right?
16:01Yeah.
16:01Collecting that.
16:02I'm not sure you'd drink it,
16:03though.
16:03No, I wouldn't drink it.
16:04No.
16:04Not again.
16:07Who's collecting tiger urine?
16:09And how do you get them
16:10to aim into a bottle?
16:12It is apparently
16:13a genuine attempt
16:15to extract drinkable safe water
16:17from urine.
16:18Would any of you
16:19actually drink it,
16:20do you think?
16:21I'm going to say no.
16:23Paul?
16:24As Pope,
16:24I really shouldn't be
16:25sort of endorsing
16:27any particular
16:27piss-based drink.
16:30But imagine the sponsorship
16:31deals you get as Pope.
16:33Oh, that's true enough.
16:33A little thing there,
16:34a little thing there,
16:35something on the hat.
16:35Yes.
16:36Finally,
16:37it was announced this week
16:38that dark chocolate
16:40Toblerone
16:41will no longer
16:42be available
16:42in the UK,
16:43which came as a big
16:44surprise to most of us
16:45because none of us
16:46knew that it was here
16:46in the first place.
16:47No, I had no idea.
16:48It's the best-selling
16:49chocolate in the world,
16:51Toblerone.
16:51But have you ever
16:52had the dark chocolate?
16:53No, of course not.
16:53I'm not a savage.
16:56Honestly,
16:57I'd rather drink piss.
16:59That's the advert.
17:03Such a good tagline.
17:04Yeah, I'd rather drink piss.
17:07Well, this is the news
17:08that chimpanzees
17:10have been filmed
17:11in the wild
17:11sharing fruit
17:13that contains alcohol.
17:14The scientists estimate
17:16that for the chimpanzees,
17:1785% of their diet
17:19is alcoholic fruit.
17:21The other 15%
17:22is kebabs.
17:26So, at the end
17:27of that round,
17:28it's two points each.
17:30Two points each.
17:30Very good.
17:37A report on the economy
17:38has just come through
17:40from number 11,
17:40Downing Street.
17:41The Chancellor's
17:42statement reads
17:43as follows.
17:43There may be trouble ahead,
17:45but while there's
17:47moonlight and music
17:48and love
17:50and romance,
17:52it's time for round two,
17:53the high kick of news.
17:54So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
17:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:59There's a statue somewhere
18:04that's very unpopular
18:05of a duck.
18:08It's so expensive.
18:09Look at the size of that bill.
18:09They just discontinued
18:16Darktober and I'm having
18:17a bad week.
18:19No, this is the news
18:20that a man walked
18:20across the Yorkshire Dales
18:22dressed as a curlew.
18:24Oh, is that him, is it?
18:25So, why on earth
18:25did he do that?
18:27Well, why did he do it?
18:28That's what his family
18:29are asking.
18:31All right, charitable reasons,
18:33no doubt.
18:33Don't they nest on the ground
18:35and that's quite dangerous.
18:37Yeah, he could have
18:37all of that, actually.
18:38It is his favourite bird.
18:40Matt Trevelyan from Yorkshire
18:41decided to walk
18:4253 miles along
18:44the Niddardale Way
18:46to warn against
18:47the bird's extinction
18:48and to raise awareness
18:49of World Curlew Day,
18:52which was last Monday.
18:53Here he is on BBC Breakfast.
18:56LAUGHTER
18:57It's like some kind
18:59of mythical beast, isn't it?
19:00They've got big legs,
19:01haven't they, curlews?
19:03World Curlew Day on Monday,
19:05the same day as the Pope died,
19:06knocked them out of the headlines,
19:07didn't it?
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09Honestly, it's the perfect day.
19:10There's nothing else happening.
19:11People are going to go crazy.
19:13Do you know, every time
19:14he gets into that costume,
19:15a famous person dies.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18APPLAUSE
19:19So, the big question is,
19:24how did all of you
19:25celebrate World Curlew Day?
19:27I ate a couple of them.
19:28Lovely.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:29Because they nest on the ground,
19:31they're so easy to get.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:33What's the good news
19:34for the Curlew on Orkney?
19:36Oh, they've got rid of the stoats
19:37that were killing them off.
19:39Hmm.
19:39There's been a stoat cull.
19:40Yeah.
19:41Is there a Save the Stoat movement?
19:42LAUGHTER
19:43Well, they had to tell the Curlews
19:45to go in early at night,
19:46which was a Curlew curfew.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48And they had a big campaign,
19:51Stop the Stoats.
19:52Yeah.
19:53The real problem...
19:54I like the way that Ian says
19:59thank you very much
19:59to Totals Diamonds.
20:00LAUGHTER
20:01Well, the stoats have gone,
20:04but the real problem in Orkney
20:06might be the weather.
20:07Let's go for a report
20:09from one of the locals.
20:10So, you went to visit Orkney
20:11during the winter.
20:13How's the weather?
20:15LAUGHTER
20:16I mean, it's a bit breezy sometimes.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:20Do you think when Trump comes,
20:29we can send him to Orkney?
20:30Yes.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:32In related news,
20:37what is a man in Japan
20:39being dressing up as?
20:40A pigeon.
20:427,000 stoats?
20:44LAUGHTER
20:44No.
20:46A border collie.
20:47Ah, yes.
20:48He's spent £12,000
20:49on a hyper-realistic costume
20:51so that he can live
20:52as the animal.
20:54Mm.
20:54His name is Toko
20:55and here he is.
20:57LAUGHTER
20:58But what is his problem?
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02Have we got time?
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05It's not worms, is it?
21:08Mm-mm.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:10He's opened a zoo for humans
21:13where people can come
21:14and dress as dogs,
21:16but an upcoming event in May
21:18has received no bookings.
21:21LAUGHTER
21:21So his zoo is now facing closure.
21:24He should have dressed as a shit zoo.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:26Hey!
21:28APPLAUSE
21:29What do you think you'd be able to do
21:33at his zoo if you went there?
21:35Seek help.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:37Visitors can pay £256
21:39to spend three hours
21:41dressed as an Alaskan Malamute.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:46What actually is a Malamute?
21:48Is it a type of dog?
21:49No, it's a type of jam
21:50produced by Megan.
21:52LAUGHTER
21:53So this is the man
21:56who walked 53 miles
21:58dressed as a curlew.
21:59Here is his curlew outfit,
22:02which really is pretty impressive,
22:03but you wouldn't want him
22:05running behind you
22:05in the marathon.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:07The curlew is famed
22:09for its graceful posture
22:11and long legs.
22:12Get your own act.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:18BUZZER
22:19Yes, this is the Supreme Court ruling,
22:23which a lot of people said,
22:25Have I Got News was pathetic,
22:27because last week nobody answered this question
22:29and it wasn't asked.
22:30It was asked, actually,
22:31and I answered it at some length.
22:33I gave my views about John Stuart Mill's
22:35clash of different rights
22:36and competitive demands
22:38on a legal system,
22:39and I talked for some time
22:40about what I thought
22:42was a very rational solution
22:43of the two parliamentary acts
22:46which the Supreme Court
22:47had been asked to,
22:47and they cut it out.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50Well, you do know
22:51this programme
22:52is only 29 minutes long.
22:54It is,
22:54and I have to say...
22:55It seemed longer last week.
22:56Yeah.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57It isn't easy to do this particular subject,
23:01as Keir Starmer has found out.
23:03I'm aware I'm talking over you.
23:05No, no, you're not talking over me,
23:07because I haven't said anything.
23:08Well, you...
23:08LAUGHTER
23:09I think this is a thing
23:12that a lot of people
23:13wouldn't want to say anything,
23:15because it's a very sort of venomous situation,
23:19and I think kind of a lot of people
23:21are genuinely a bit frightened.
23:23Mm.
23:24No-one really wants to get a death threat on...
23:26I've had quite a few of them.
23:28Mm.
23:28And that's why I've learned
23:30to dress up as a bird
23:32and wander around the moor.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:34So what has he changed his mind about?
23:37Well, what he said is
23:38the Supreme Court verdict gives clarity.
23:41He's not particularly keen to say what.
23:43He used to say all sorts of things.
23:45And he's been caught out.
23:47About cervixes and, um...
23:48Thanks.
23:49And, um...
23:50I think cervixes are hilarious as well.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54Yeah, and now he's done a complete about-turn.
23:57He has, and he doesn't want to admit it.
23:59Has someone admitted it on his behalf, though?
24:01Yes.
24:01A Downing Street spokesman said,
24:03Keir now thinks that trans women are not women.
24:07Last week, Kemi Badenoch declared
24:09that the Conservative Party have always understood
24:12what a woman is.
24:14Here is Kemi firing off a zinger
24:16at Prime Minister's Question Time on Wednesday.
24:19This is a question about moral courage, Mr Speaker,
24:22about doing the right thing,
24:24even when it is difficult.
24:26And the truth is,
24:28he doesn't have the balls.
24:30Yeah!
24:31Weren't people commenting on the fact
24:34that that's all she went on about?
24:36She didn't mention anything else,
24:38like Trump, like Putin, like Ukraine.
24:42Like the Toblerone thing?
24:43Yeah.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45Up to this point,
24:46she's not been very good
24:48at Prime Minister's Question Time,
24:50and she had a good outing
24:51in that he had...
24:53A bad outing.
24:55He had a very bad outing
24:56because he did say one thing
24:57and he has changed his mind
24:58and he doesn't want to admit it.
25:00Last week, the Supreme Court ruled
25:01that women were defined
25:03by biological sex
25:05and explained it
25:06in an 88-page legal judgment.
25:10You see?
25:10Just 88 pages.
25:11It really was that simple.
25:13It's good, though.
25:14It is worth a read.
25:15It is fairly clear.
25:16You've read all 88 pages?
25:17Yeah, no, no.
25:18I'm waiting for the film to come out.
25:19Yeah.
25:21Fingers on buzzers again, teams.
25:24BELL RINGS
25:25Ooh.
25:27People smell.
25:30It's to do with smell,
25:31certainly,
25:31because this is the news
25:32that women select
25:33their best friends
25:35based on how they smell.
25:37That's bullshit.
25:41That's bullshit.
25:42You're my best friend.
25:46Tell it to the scientists
25:47at Cornell University
25:48in New York,
25:49because they say
25:50that women chose friends
25:52based on smell
25:53and that they can tell
25:54if they're going to be friends
25:56with someone
25:56within just four minutes.
25:59Look, if someone came along
26:01right and...
26:02Smelt of cake?
26:02They smelt of chocolate.
26:03Yeah.
26:05But they were really boring,
26:08I'd get rid.
26:10And let's say
26:11they smelt of urine
26:12but they were a right laugh,
26:14I'd put up with the urine.
26:17You don't need
26:18four minutes for a smell,
26:20right?
26:20That's...
26:20No.
26:21You get a bit of personality
26:22in four minutes.
26:23If it was like
26:23they made their mind up
26:24in 11 seconds,
26:25then you'd go,
26:26oh, maybe that's the smell.
26:27But, yeah,
26:28with respect
26:28to the researchers
26:29at Cornell,
26:30it's hardly monkeys
26:31getting drunk, is it?
26:32No.
26:33Tell me,
26:34how did the scientists
26:36conduct their research?
26:37They didn't do any.
26:38They filled in the form
26:39and claimed the money.
26:43I've no proof of that.
26:45There was a team
26:46of 40 women
26:47Oh, come on.
26:48wearing T-shirts
26:49for 12 hours
26:51to capture their scent.
26:53The women were then
26:53asked to judge
26:54one another's
26:55friend potential
26:57based on the smell
26:58of the T-shirts
26:59before meeting a person
27:00for what they referred
27:01to as a
27:02speed-friending chat.
27:05Joe, what do
27:05your friends smell like?
27:06Well, my friend
27:07Betty
27:08smells like
27:09a rotting corpse.
27:12I hope she watches this.
27:15It's just
27:16a new person
27:17she's been working on.
27:19I have to admit
27:20that if someone sniffed
27:21me for four minutes
27:22I'm not sure
27:22I would want
27:23to be friends with them.
27:25That's essentially
27:25what Strictly is.
27:29In other news,
27:31what have scientists
27:31found the formula for?
27:34Eternal life.
27:36We'd probably lead
27:37with that,
27:37wouldn't we?
27:40There are researchers
27:41from the University
27:42of British Columbia
27:43and they say
27:44what they've cracked
27:45is the formula
27:46for the perfect day.
27:48What do you think
27:50they say
27:51makes up
27:51the perfect day?
27:53Living in British Columbia,
27:54getting paid
27:55to do fuck all.
27:57Moving to the Vatican
27:58and saying
27:58those curtains
27:59will have to go.
28:02Painting over
28:02the Sistine Chapel.
28:04I don't like this.
28:06After analysing data
28:08on how people
28:09use their time
28:10they have recommended
28:11no more than
28:12six hours of work.
28:14However,
28:15what you should have
28:16are at least
28:17six hours of family time,
28:18two hours with friends,
28:2090 minutes
28:21of extra socialising,
28:23two hours of exercise
28:24and one hour of eating.
28:28I'd rather swap
28:29eating and family time round.
28:36Extra socialising
28:38sounds like a euphemism.
28:39And I'm
28:42lightning in half
28:43to put 90 minutes.
28:45Would you change
28:45ends at half time?
28:52What's your perfect day
28:53then, Ian?
28:54Not being sued.
29:02Well, in other sports news,
29:04Leeds United
29:05have been promoted
29:06to the Premier League.
29:07Yes.
29:08Would you like to see
29:08how Look North
29:09covered the excitement?
29:11Totally.
29:11Yeah.
29:12Our sports reporter
29:13Sally Hurst
29:14is live in Leeds
29:15as celebrations
29:16continue this evening.
29:18Everyone's in a pretty
29:19good mood there tonight,
29:19aren't they, Sally?
29:23Yeah.
29:27Time now
29:28for the odd one out round,
29:30just one between
29:32the two of you
29:32this week.
29:33They are
29:34Robert Jenrick,
29:35piano player
29:36Igor Levitt,
29:37Odysseus
29:38and 21 robots
29:40in Beijing.
29:42I reckon
29:43this is about
29:44marathons
29:44taking a long time
29:46to do something.
29:46Ah, yes.
29:48He's a pianist
29:49who's doing
29:49a recital,
29:50playing the same piece
29:51a huge number of times.
29:53And then
29:54those robots
29:55ran in the marathon.
29:57They didn't do very well,
29:58though, did they?
29:59They didn't, no.
30:00There's got a bloke
30:01holding him back, look.
30:02It's not fair, is it?
30:05Tell us the story
30:06about Odysseus.
30:07Yeah.
30:08Because that would be,
30:09that would be my perfect day.
30:10Yeah.
30:12Odysseus took a long time
30:14to get home.
30:14He took a long time
30:15to get home,
30:16but we only made a statue
30:16of him.
30:18I've taken a long time
30:19to get home before,
30:19no statues of me.
30:20No statues of me.
30:21I mean, think of
30:22the cost of marble,
30:23but even so.
30:25Which is the odd one out?
30:26We think the robot
30:28is the odd one out.
30:29Yeah.
30:29Why?
30:30Hmm?
30:31No further questions,
30:34you're on.
30:36They'd better tell us.
30:38You're sort of
30:38on the right track.
30:39They've all taken part
30:40in feats of endurance,
30:42apart from Robert Jenrick,
30:44who's about to take part
30:45in the London Marathon
30:46this weekend.
30:46Yes.
30:47Is he?
30:47But he hasn't done it yet.
30:49Not done it yet.
30:49What confusion
30:50did he cause?
30:52Wasn't there something
30:52about lots of people
30:53on a WhatsApp group
30:54or, I don't know
30:55what I'm talking about here,
30:56but...
30:56But you're right.
30:57Am I?
30:58Because ahead of the marathon
30:59run this weekend,
31:02he suddenly added
31:03600 contacts
31:04to a WhatsApp group.
31:06Well, there we are,
31:07you see.
31:07Fuelling rumours
31:08that he was about
31:09to launch a conservative coup.
31:11Yeah.
31:12He had intended,
31:13he said,
31:13to message contacts
31:14in his phone book
31:15individually,
31:15asking them for donations
31:17to a charity.
31:18Is that the conservative
31:19party?
31:21Well, shall we just
31:21remind ourselves
31:22of how Robert Jenrick's
31:24wife reacted
31:25when he lost
31:26the leadership race
31:27to Heddy Badenoch?
31:28What feat of endurance
31:49is superstar pianist
31:51Igor Levitt
31:52performing in London
31:53at this very moment?
31:55He's playing,
31:56it's a work by Eric Satie
31:58and he's playing it
31:59a lot of times.
32:01It's called
32:02Vexations
32:02and it consists
32:04of a simple phrase,
32:05perhaps just one
32:06or two minutes long,
32:07but which the composer
32:08instructed should be
32:10repeated
32:10840 times
32:13in a row.
32:15He's been playing
32:15since 11 o'clock
32:16this morning.
32:17Anyone want to send
32:18a few words of encouragement
32:19to him before we go on?
32:21Encore, I want to say.
32:23Well, Levitt
32:26isn't apparently
32:27going to leave the stage
32:28at any time
32:29during the performance.
32:30How do you think
32:31this has been made possible?
32:33They've built the piano
32:34like around him
32:35like this
32:36so he can play
32:38one-handed for a bit.
32:39Very good idea,
32:45but what they've actually done
32:45is he's got a seat
32:46that can be turned
32:47into a bed,
32:48there's a screen
32:49that goes around him
32:50and the piano
32:51in case he does need
32:53to go to the toilet.
32:54Piano stool
32:54as they call it.
32:55thousands of runners
33:00competed in a half marathon
33:02against 21 robots
33:04in Beijing this week,
33:05making this the very first time
33:07that man has jogged
33:08against a machine.
33:11Here's how the robots
33:13got on.
33:20Oh.
33:20Is that Michael Gove?
33:24LAUGHTER
33:25LAUGHTER
33:27LAUGHTER
33:28LAUGHTER
33:29LAUGHTER
33:30LAUGHTER
33:31LAUGHTER
33:33Joe, apparently you once
33:35trained to run in a marathon,
33:36didn't you?
33:37But you were taken ill
33:38the day before.
33:39Yeah, thank God.
33:40LAUGHTER
33:41No, I know,
33:42I'm not like you.
33:43I can't even lift my leg
33:45above my other foot.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:50I admire you
33:51doing strictly.
33:52Did they give you
33:53any drugs
33:54to help your...
33:55LAUGHTER
33:57Odysseus was the star
33:58of Homer's hit poem
34:00The Odyssey.
34:01Yes.
34:02Describing his
34:03ten-year journey home
34:04after the Trojan War.
34:06Ten years it took him?
34:07Ten years.
34:08Ten years of the war,
34:09ten years to get home.
34:10Do you know what?
34:11I bet a lot of that
34:12was he was just...
34:13There's no way it took him
34:14ten years.
34:15Replacement bus service.
34:16LAUGHTER
34:17Who is playing Odysseus
34:18in the current film version
34:20of his journey home?
34:22Ralph Fiennes.
34:23Mm.
34:24Very good it is too.
34:25Yeah.
34:26And he has buffed up,
34:28so he's got this amazing torso.
34:31LAUGHTER
34:33I mean, you've just got to see it.
34:36LAUGHTER
34:37Well, we can,
34:38because here he is.
34:39But the thing is,
34:40he has got competition.
34:42Just look at this.
34:43LAUGHTER
34:44I'm not going to say anything,
34:45because I can't imagine that's the only picture you've got.
34:46No, we've got another one.
34:47Yeah, here we go.
34:48LAUGHTER
34:49Why does it look nothing like me?
34:50LAUGHTER
34:51It looks like Ed Balls.
34:52Yeah.
34:53Well, they've all taken part in feats of endurance,
34:54apart from Robert Jenrick,
34:55who is taking on the London Marathon this weekend.
34:57Robert Jenrick has famously lost a lot of weight prior to the marathon.
35:11In fact, if he runs really fast, he could set an Ozempic record.
35:14LAUGHTER
35:1721 robots recently took part in a half-marathon in Beijing.
35:21The fastest robot completing the course in two hours and 40 minutes
35:25was called Tiangong Ultra,
35:27though he was later disqualified after testing positive for WD-40.
35:31LAUGHTER
35:32It's time now for the Missing Words Round,
35:34which this week features as its guest publication,
35:35Chinchilla Connection.
35:36Oh!
35:37We're going to start with...
35:38If you're going to exhibit your chinchilla at a show,
35:40don't forget...
35:41The chinchilla.
35:42What?
35:43The answer is to dust it beforehand.
35:44Dust it?
35:45Dust it?
35:46Dust it, yeah.
35:47But whatever you do, don't hoover it.
35:48Just going to dust the old chinchilla?
35:49Yeah.
35:50Might take 90 minutes.
35:51Next.
35:52Scientists claim you can...
35:53Ah!
35:54If you fire laser pulses into your eyes.
35:55If you're going to exhibit your chinchilla at a show,
35:57don't forget...
35:58The chinchilla.
35:59What?
36:00The answer is to dust it beforehand.
36:01Dust it?
36:02Dust it?
36:03Dust it, yeah.
36:04But whatever you do, don't hoover it.
36:05Just going to dust the old chinchilla?
36:06Yeah.
36:07Might take 90 minutes.
36:10Next.
36:11Scientists claim you can...
36:14Ah!
36:15If you fire laser pulses into your eyes.
36:17See a new colour.
36:18You're right.
36:19You can't see a new colour.
36:20Yeah, I bet it's red.
36:22It's a mixture of sort of green and blue, I think, isn't it?
36:25Well, scientists in California have discovered a never-before-seen colour
36:29which you can fully appreciate by having your retina stimulated by lasers.
36:34Yeah.
36:35Here is the brand-new colour.
36:37Oh, that's so unusual.
36:40That's a new colour, is it?
36:42Yeah, it's a new colour.
36:43Yeah.
36:44Well, I'd paint the Sistine Chapel.
36:46It would be good to have lasers, like firing lasers in the Sistine Chapel as well.
36:51That would be good.
36:52That would be a good first day.
36:53I'd make a note.
36:54Yeah.
36:55It would screw up the painting on the ceiling, though, wouldn't it?
36:58I'm not having a go at Michelangelo.
37:00I'm sure he was perfectly good in his day.
37:01LAUGHTER
37:02Wouldn't cut it now, would he, Richard?
37:04Exactly.
37:05It's hardly dog-splaying poker, is it?
37:06No.
37:07LAUGHTER
37:08Next, it's risky to turn your back on a chinchilla because...
37:13It'll rip your lungs out.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:16Because of the risk of identity theft.
37:22My name?
37:23Richard Osman.
37:24LAUGHTER
37:26They're notoriously bitchy.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:29The actual answer is, it'll be breeding within seconds.
37:32Oh.
37:33But on its own.
37:34LAUGHTER
37:35Next, curry house in Manchester surprises customers by what?
37:41Serving chinchilla biryani.
37:43LAUGHTER
37:44Curry house in Manchester surprises customers by moving to Liverpool.
37:47No.
37:48The answer is...
37:49LAUGHTER
37:50The answer is...
37:51By serving up cream egg samosas.
37:54LAUGHTER
37:55You didn't go, er, when it was a chinchilla biryani.
37:58LAUGHTER
37:59The Burnley Express reported,
38:01just 200 will be available over the bank holiday weekend
38:05on a first-come, first-served basis.
38:08So, there's still 199 left.
38:10LAUGHTER
38:11So, here is the creation.
38:12It's dubbed the cremosa.
38:15Why is it called the semeg?
38:17LAUGHTER
38:18Oh!
38:25Next.
38:26The day when you and your chinchilla can...
38:29What?
38:30..might not be far away.
38:31Legally make love.
38:33LAUGHTER
38:34In the greater London area.
38:35Can have a full conversation.
38:37Talk to each other.
38:38There you go.
38:39According to chinchilla connection...
38:41Yeah.
38:42..scientists could soon be able to understand animal language.
38:44Yeah.
38:45Yeah, they could.
38:46Yeah.
38:47The ability to communicate with animals has implications beyond the lab
38:51and could even challenge long-held beliefs about animal cognition.
38:55Said a chinchilla.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:59Next.
39:00New perfume will make you smell like what?
39:04A new friend.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:07A chinchilla.
39:08Midnight in Dockland.
39:09Tow Hamlets.
39:10Almost.
39:11Coronation Street.
39:13This is soon to be released as part of a range of toiletries
39:17that are based on Coronation Street.
39:20Absolutely perfect for anyone who wants to spell like Rita's Cabin.
39:23LAUGHTER
39:24Finally, choir singer surprised by what during service?
39:28Is it BAT on clutch cables?
39:31LAUGHTER
39:32No.
39:33It's choir singer surprised by Joy.
39:35She's the organist.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:37Oh.
39:38Is it lack of ketamine?
39:39No.
39:40LAUGHTER
39:41The answer is...
39:42Yeah.
39:43..a dive-bombing squirrel.
39:45LAUGHTER
39:46That is good.
39:47Now, keep your eye on the top right-hand corner.
39:50MUSIC PLAYS
39:59The squirrel's potentially fatal fall...
40:02Potentially?
40:03LAUGHTER
40:05He'll have to do a Lazarus to get up from that.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:10Was he all right?
40:11Was he all right?
40:12Was he all right?
40:13LAUGHTER
40:14All that happened, he just buried his nuts.
40:16Yeah.
40:17Up through his neck.
40:18LAUGHTER
40:20So, the final scores are...
40:22Ian and Joe have three,
40:24while Paul and Richard somehow have four.
40:27LAUGHTER
40:28APPLAUSE
40:30APPLAUSE
40:32Thank you to our panellists,
40:36Ian Hislop and Joe Brand, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.
40:39And I leave you with news that on his first visit to a tattoo parlour,
40:43one man tries to tell the shop employee there is no W in anchor.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:52In Windsor, there's evidence that being king has gone to Charles' head
40:56as he refuses to walk to a tree-planting ceremony.
41:00LAUGHTER
41:05And in Florida, as the Rolling Stones embark on a new world tour,
41:09Mick Jagger is keen to show that he's still got it
41:12as he runs through his repertoire of moves.
41:15LAUGHTER
41:17LAUGHTER
41:18LAUGHTER
41:19Good night.
41:20LAUGHTER
41:21APPLAUSE
41:22MUSIC PLAYS
41:39MUSIC PLAYS
41:40MUSIC PLAYS
41:41MUSIC FADES
41:43MUSIC FADES
41:45MUSIC FADES
41:47MATLAINE
41:49APPLAUSE
41:56I'm surprised we won this week. I thought we'd lose.
41:59OK. I'm not infallible.
42:01LAUGHTER