James must move in with his girlfriend of three months after being evicted from his place, and soon he discovers that he doesn't want to be with her any more. His hope is to get her to break up with him but still let him sleep on the couch..
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:29CastingWords
00:01:59CastingWords
00:02:29Slow, didn't make sense?
00:02:31Nothing you say makes sense.
00:02:33Besides, I refuse to take advice
00:02:34from somebody that's dating Mr. Rogers.
00:02:36You're dating Mr. Rogers?
00:02:38Okay, does he switch from his blazer to a sweater
00:02:40when you guys start to do it?
00:02:42Yeah, he also has a milk carton village
00:02:44in his living room.
00:02:46We play with it, it's really hot.
00:02:47Fine, if Mr. Rogers doesn't wanna be my neighbor,
00:02:50I'll just do my time here at Shawshank Redemption 2
00:02:53and get my own place again.
00:02:54Dude, you really think you're gonna
00:02:56get your own place again, man?
00:02:57They don't call out the old ball and chain for nothing.
00:02:59What are you talking about?
00:03:00I'm talking about what she's gonna do to you in there, man.
00:03:02What am I gonna do to him?
00:03:05Kim, disappear out of thin air.
00:03:08Was Professor X mad when you left the X-Men?
00:03:11Yes, he was.
00:03:12Now, what am I gonna do to him?
00:03:14For starters, you'll probably cut his penis off
00:03:16and use it as a really small shake weight, you know?
00:03:20Take that.
00:03:26Big Boy's neighborhood, it is going down, man.
00:03:28Relationships, do they work?
00:03:30Uh-uh.
00:03:31Is it better to be single?
00:03:33If you're miserable, yes.
00:03:34Right, right.
00:03:35My bedroom already has a TV.
00:03:36You get a lot of people that say,
00:03:37hey, you know, I'm in a relationship.
00:03:38What should I do?
00:03:39What's going on?
00:03:40It's a pink TV.
00:03:41Yeah, and it matches everything else in the room.
00:03:43I'm here to help you.
00:03:43Who's in the neighborhood?
00:03:45Hey, what's up going on, guys?
00:03:46What's happening?
00:03:46Who this?
00:03:47Hi, this is Rick.
00:03:48Rick, what's going on, Rick?
00:03:49How you doing, Rick?
00:03:49Hi, Rick.
00:03:50Oh my god, you guys.
00:03:52Check out all the pink and shit.
00:03:55Pink is my favorite color.
00:03:57The color of vaginas.
00:03:59Actually smells like vagina in here.
00:04:00You guys are.
00:04:01Yeah.
00:04:01Ew.
00:04:02Let's go.
00:04:03I like my style.
00:04:03Let's go help.
00:04:04I like the way I like to dress, right?
00:04:07I go out, you know, I'm wearing a shirt, and she's just all,
00:04:10you know, you dress like an eight-year-old.
00:04:13Thanks.
00:04:14Oh, good luck with your wife.
00:04:16Not my wife.
00:04:17A year ago, she wasn't trying to dress you.
00:04:19No, dude.
00:04:20She wasn't trying to dress me or nothing, yeah.
00:04:21She was just like, oh, that's so cool.
00:04:23You're so cool.
00:04:24Everything was compliments at the beginning.
00:04:26Right.
00:04:26Have you changed, Rick?
00:04:27Have you changed in that year?
00:04:29I don't think I've changed.
00:04:30I understand.
00:04:31Do you think that, like, right now, with the shirt,
00:04:34a year later, she's a different person.
00:04:35What?
00:04:36I think I'm packing.
00:04:40I'm packing?
00:04:41Mm-hmm.
00:04:42Yeah.
00:04:43Jesus.
00:04:44Sorry.
00:04:45I couldn't hold it in any longer.
00:04:47Why didn't you spit in your own hair?
00:04:57You know what?
00:04:58I feel more comfortable with you already.
00:05:00This is going to be fun, right?
00:05:01Mm-hmm.
00:05:02All right.
00:05:03What?
00:05:04I'm going to bed.
00:05:05Give me a kiss.
00:05:09Um, can I get a better kiss than that?
00:05:11Okay.
00:05:12That's enough.
00:05:13We have to get up early tomorrow.
00:05:14What?
00:05:15Why?
00:05:16We do chores on Sundays.
00:05:17I thought we sleep late and watch football on Sundays.
00:05:18We do not.
00:05:19Sundays for chores.
00:05:20You don't sleep late and watch football.
00:05:21Ever.
00:05:22Ever.
00:05:23Can you turn the TV off?
00:05:24Can I leave it on?
00:05:25Can I leave it on?
00:05:26I like to sleep with the TV on.
00:05:27Just turn it off, okay?
00:05:28I'll turn it down real low.
00:05:29In the bathroom light if you're done.
00:05:30Thanks.
00:05:31Um, can we compromise?
00:05:32I get the bill.
00:05:33There it is.
00:05:34Is that good enough for you?
00:05:35Fine.
00:05:36That sounds great.
00:05:37That sounds great.
00:05:38That sounds great.
00:05:42I do not.
00:05:43Sundays for chores.
00:05:44You don't sleep late and watch football.
00:05:45Ever.
00:05:46Ever.
00:05:47Can you turn the TV off?
00:05:48Can I leave it on?
00:05:49I like to sleep with the TV on.
00:05:50Thanks.
00:05:51Um, can we compromise?
00:05:53The relationship, as you know it, is now over.
00:05:56I get the bill.
00:05:57Yeah.
00:05:58Is that good enough for you?
00:05:59Fine.
00:06:00That sounds great.
00:06:02Thank you, man.
00:06:03So you are now anointed as a single man.
00:06:20Big Boy's Neighborhood.
00:06:21Big Boy.
00:06:22It is going down, man.
00:06:23Relationships, man.
00:06:24Do they work?
00:06:25Are you better off being single?
00:06:26We've been talking about it, man.
00:06:27And we got someone that felt like it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was.
00:06:42Yeah.
00:06:43It is going down, man.
00:06:44Relationships, man.
00:06:45Do they work?
00:06:46Are you better off being single?
00:06:47We've been talking about it, man.
00:06:48And we got someone that felt like it was, it was so necessary to just come up into the neighborhood and be helped with this problem, man.
00:06:56Now your name is?
00:06:57James.
00:06:58How you doing, James, man?
00:06:59What's so bad about your relationship, James?
00:07:02Well, she is, uh, the antichrist.
00:07:04Wow.
00:07:05Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:07:06Yeah, man.
00:07:07You want to be careful about dating the antichrist, man.
00:07:08We heard about that.
00:07:09Yeah.
00:07:10Alrighty.
00:07:11So this is what we're going to do.
00:07:12You're done.
00:07:13So if we call her up, is it okay to call her up?
00:07:16Please.
00:07:17So do you want me to handle it?
00:07:18Cause I can handle the breakup for you.
00:07:20Do y'all live together now?
00:07:21That's the, that's the issue.
00:07:22Okay.
00:07:23I don't have anywhere else to go unless I can stay with you.
00:07:26No, no.
00:07:27You're not going to stay with me, but I'm going to do the breakup for you.
00:07:29We're going to ask you to leave.
00:07:30I still want to live with her though.
00:07:31What?
00:07:32What?
00:07:33Come on now, James, man.
00:07:34I wish that when people just walked in here, we could do a blood test.
00:07:38Are you trying to do like the friends with benefits thing?
00:07:40Or new benefits.
00:07:41I just want to sleep on her couch.
00:07:42Do you want to break up with her, but you still want to sleep on her couch?
00:07:45Yes.
00:07:46All right.
00:07:47Do you want me to tell her that?
00:07:48Yes.
00:07:49Okay.
00:07:50All right.
00:07:51All right.
00:07:52Do me a favor, brother.
00:07:53Do me a favor.
00:07:54If you write down the name.
00:07:55Her name is.
00:07:56Why are you on the couch?
00:07:57Kim.
00:07:58All right.
00:07:59Kim.
00:08:00And I'll put her phone number out on the air, man.
00:08:01So just write that phone number.
00:08:02James.
00:08:03Why are you on the couch?
00:08:07Because it's softer than the floor.
00:08:14Must have fell asleep with the TV on.
00:08:20What?
00:08:21The snoring?
00:08:22Can you put this TV in the closet and take out the trash, please?
00:08:42Pew, pew.
00:09:00It's chore day.
00:09:11Boy.
00:09:12It's chore day.
00:09:13And it's chore day.
00:09:14Always chore day.
00:09:15I never wish.
00:09:16I never wish.
00:09:17I never wish.
00:09:18Never wish.
00:09:20Ever.
00:09:21Ever.
00:09:22Ever.
00:09:23Ever.
00:09:24Ever.
00:09:25Ever.
00:09:26I know it's chore day.
00:09:28Ever.
00:09:29Ever.
00:09:30Ever.
00:09:31Ever.
00:09:32Ever.
00:09:33Ever.
00:09:34Ever.
00:09:35Ever.
00:09:36It's not full yet.
00:09:37Yeah.
00:09:38Well, they're still trashing it.
00:09:39But it still needs to be empty.
00:09:41It's empty. It just has one banana peel and some tissue.
00:09:46Gross!
00:09:47That is gross? You spit in my hand last night. That wasn't gross to you?
00:09:52That was fine, but this is gross.
00:09:55Can you just take out the trash? And that box needs to go as well.
00:09:59Please?
00:10:11Oh my god, what is that? Is it alive?
00:10:17No, silly. It died when I shaved it off my body.
00:10:21Wow, that's disgusting.
00:10:23What? I haven't shaved in a while. I don't know, what's the big deal?
00:10:26I just thought that since we'd be lit together that we'd eventually, you know...
00:10:34Have sex?
00:10:35Well, yeah.
00:10:36Coming!
00:10:41It smells so good in here.
00:10:48Okay, alright, we'll come in the bathroom when you're done, okay?
00:10:53Okay!
00:10:54It's Jordan!
00:10:57It's Jordan!
00:11:00It's Jordan!
00:11:02It's Jordan!
00:11:04It's Jordan!
00:11:05It's Jordan!
00:11:06It's Jordan!
00:11:08It's Jordan!
00:11:09It's Jordan!
00:11:10It's Jordan!
00:11:14Hey, that's the area that's what I found.
00:11:16If I can live with a movie,
00:11:17we can put it up to you at the night,
00:11:18and I'll show you.
00:11:19Are you okay?
00:11:22Here, have some water.
00:11:23Thanks.
00:11:24It's Sunday, Sunday chore day.
00:11:44Oh, you guys didn't know?
00:11:47Yeah, I didn't know either until last night.
00:11:49I just found out I was kind of planning on watching the game with my friends today, but no, I'm here.
00:11:54James!
00:11:55Getting banana peels out of frickin' trash cans.
00:11:58James, stop!
00:11:59What? No, it's Troy Day. Troy Day.
00:12:01It's okay, Tony. Yeah, I know it's sad, but don't cry. That's stupid, okay?
00:12:05What we can do is you can stop crying with the little bitch and go to the store and get me some off and go, and then we can all clean together.
00:12:11How about that?
00:12:12What?
00:12:13James, Tanny's grandmother just died. Shauna and I are trying to console her.
00:12:19Are you out of your way, man?
00:12:21Yes.
00:12:22What are you doing?
00:12:23I don't know.
00:12:24Come on, come on.
00:12:25Huh.
00:12:26Oh, ah.
00:12:27Ah-ha-ha.
00:12:28You're going to throw a one.
00:12:29I'm going to throw a one.
00:12:30It's going slow, right?
00:12:31I'm just going slow.
00:12:32What do you got there, pal?
00:12:33No.
00:12:34Come, come on.
00:12:45Reds.
00:12:46Reds.
00:12:47What are you doing?
00:12:48She doesn't say bless you when I sneeze, doesn't let me watch TV in bed, and she makes me do
00:13:16chores. She's like an unpleasant, non-seeing Mary Poppins.
00:13:21Mmm, I told you this was gonna happen.
00:13:23And she snores like a velociraptor. And the first night that we spend together, I gotta sleep on the couch because of it.
00:13:29Uh, wait. You've never spent the night together before?
00:13:32Nope. You know, I used to think that she was just being old-fashioned. Now I think that she was just trying to M. Night Shyamalan me with a sucky twist at the end.
00:13:43Ugh. Come over here and help me move that.
00:13:45Baby, we don't need no pine-outs. No, how much are these?
00:13:47$30. What are you gonna do to pine-out?
00:13:49$30. That's too much. That's way too much.
00:13:51You came here for something else, you know?
00:13:53What about this? There.
00:13:55Baby, I just need time to work the kinks out.
00:13:59It's too bad you don't have an apartment to go back to.
00:14:01It's too bad people don't like you because your face is ugly.
00:14:04You're married to Miss Piggy, and I'm awesome.
00:14:07Exactly. So we're not broke, okay?
00:14:09No, no, we are. All right.
00:14:11She doesn't know it. She's living this life that she doesn't have right now.
00:14:13No, we're not broke.
00:14:15Well, this one's $300.
00:14:16Wow.
00:14:17That's $300?
00:14:18But guess what?
00:14:19I'm gonna go.
00:14:20Uh-huh.
00:14:21This guy right here, he's the ring expert.
00:14:22Mr. Tall Guy, we need your help, man.
00:14:24I'm assuming this is your first day.
00:14:25Yeah.
00:14:26You wanna come?
00:14:27Tall Guy!
00:14:28Saved my day.
00:14:29All right, all right.
00:14:30Cool.
00:14:31Thank you, man.
00:14:32Great.
00:14:33Doesn't look like he knows much, either.
00:14:34This guy's great.
00:14:36So how much is this one?
00:14:37Which one?
00:14:38This one right here.
00:14:39Oh, no.
00:14:39I don't like that one.
00:14:40How much?
00:14:42It's ugly.
00:14:44It's $300.
00:14:46You are so cheap.
00:14:48Wait till I tell my mother that you bought my engagement ring in a stuffed shop.
00:14:53Okay.
00:14:54So you two lovebirds getting married?
00:14:56Oh, yeah.
00:14:57We just had a baby.
00:14:59You are the father.
00:15:01Mm-hmm.
00:15:02We're gonna be a family now.
00:15:03Congratulations.
00:15:04Mari can kiss my ass.
00:15:06You shouldn't talk about Mari like that because he's a great guy.
00:15:09Wow.
00:15:10He's so great.
00:15:11I want you to have him be the father of your child, huh?
00:15:12Mm-hmm.
00:15:13Of course you would say that.
00:15:14You would.
00:15:15He's taken.
00:15:16Okay?
00:15:17But if I could've chose to have him make love to me in the bathroom stall of Chuck E.
00:15:20Cheese instead of you, I would've.
00:15:21Wow.
00:15:22Whatever.
00:15:23Yeah, whatever.
00:15:24We'll take this one.
00:15:25It's ugly.
00:15:26Well, it matches your face, honey.
00:15:27James and Kim are so perfect strangers.
00:15:43Hmm.
00:15:44No.
00:15:45More like Laverne and Shirley.
00:15:46More like Mork and Mindy.
00:15:47James, you're so Mindy, by the way.
00:15:49No.
00:15:50We haven't had sex.
00:15:51What?
00:15:52What?
00:15:53What?
00:15:54Dude, so you living with a girl?
00:15:55That's your girlfriend and you're not having sex with her?
00:15:59No.
00:16:00She says that she's still feeling me out.
00:16:04I don't get it.
00:16:05What does that mean?
00:16:06Yeah, I don't get it either.
00:16:07Like, I'm a girl and I don't get that.
00:16:08Whatevs, man.
00:16:09You know, you're trying something different.
00:16:11Cool.
00:16:12Thought you were gonna make fun of me.
00:16:15I'm not gonna do that to your face.
00:16:17Yeah, well, at least I got a roof over my head because nobody else would take me in.
00:16:22Dude, if you're gonna live with her, you've got to get the sex thing out of the way.
00:16:26Trust me, sexual tension in your living situation is not gonna make it any more comfortable.
00:16:33But she's not ready, okay?
00:16:36How do I make her ready?
00:16:38Nurture her.
00:16:39What the hell is that?
00:16:41A sex move?
00:16:42No.
00:16:43But it can lead to it.
00:16:48Really?
00:16:53Okay, um...
00:16:55Nurture...
00:16:56How?
00:17:03Faith.
00:17:04Hey.
00:17:05What up?
00:17:06Did you forget your key?
00:17:07No.
00:17:08Uh...
00:17:09Well, yeah.
00:17:10Maybe.
00:17:11Yup.
00:17:12I forgot my key.
00:17:13That's what I did.
00:17:14Aw, are those for me?
00:17:15Those?
00:17:16No, no.
00:17:17They are for the best girlfriend in the world.
00:17:21Oh, wait.
00:17:23That is you!
00:17:29Aw.
00:17:30They're beautiful.
00:17:33Well, guess what the best girlfriend in the world did for you today?
00:17:36She put my TV in the bedroom.
00:17:38No.
00:17:39It's so much better than that.
00:17:40Come on, let me show you.
00:17:41What could be better than that?
00:17:42Close your eyes.
00:17:47Okay, open them.
00:17:50Ta-da!
00:17:52Nice, take out.
00:17:53Man, you put it on the good plates.
00:17:55No.
00:17:56I cooked it.
00:17:58Nuh-uh.
00:17:59Yeah.
00:18:00I just wanted to make up for the rocky start we had.
00:18:02You know?
00:18:03Just make everything perfect.
00:18:04Sorry, Kermie.
00:18:08Yeah, I'm sorry too.
00:18:13I don't think it's our fault though, you know?
00:18:15It's just...
00:18:18It's a crazy situation.
00:18:19Maybe we need to put on some slow music one night
00:18:22and nurture each other a bunch of times.
00:18:26Then we'll be fine.
00:18:30Thanks for cooking me dinner.
00:18:31And thank you for the eight, nine, ten roses.
00:18:39There's only ten roses here?
00:18:41You're welcome.
00:18:42So, I'm not worth a full dozen?
00:18:45Well, no.
00:18:46Nope.
00:18:47I did the math and you only added up to about ten.
00:18:54Ten.
00:18:55Sorry.
00:18:58I'm joking.
00:19:00Seriously?
00:19:03Okay.
00:19:04Wow.
00:19:05If it means that much to you, I will get two more tomorrow.
00:19:08Then you'll have a dozen.
00:19:09Fine.
00:19:11Fine.
00:19:12Fine.
00:19:30You are worse than a rapist!
00:19:36What?
00:19:42Well, what are the people that you've got to ask for?
00:19:43How are you?
00:19:44You're one of the people that the world should be a bad boy.
00:19:45Than a people, you see, you see, the world is a great.
00:19:50But you can never make up.
00:19:54They're very liquid.
00:19:55They're very much evil.
00:19:57What are the people who have ever been doing?
00:19:59If you do the world, you're going to kill me.
00:20:00I'm so scared.
00:20:01I'm so scared and I'm so scared.
00:20:03When you see as an ascert, I'm so scared of everything.
00:20:05And I'm so scared of everything from my heart if I'm so scared of everything.
00:20:08Do the people I know about the change?
00:20:09real quick man how much for the mannequin head the bald one uh three dollars are you selling
00:20:33like faulty mannequin heads i've never seen one that cheap how how how can be faulty it's a
00:20:38mannequin i'm just trying to buy a mannequin head that's all i don't i don't need an attitude behind
00:20:43it i'm just i saw him from outside i'm into it i i have a thing about the mannequin that's my business
00:20:49okay i'm trying i'm trying to give you money you can have it for five what is your problem what's
00:20:54the attitude about man no attitude i'm sensing an attitude uh uh sorry man i just i got some things
00:21:04going on jeez what things you need to get some stuff off your chest you want to talk about it
00:21:08before you make a sale i got i got some girl problems what kind of girl problems what are your
00:21:13problems really i don't think i should go into it i don't think i needed to explain why i wanted
00:21:17the mannequin head but i had to okay all right got this girl i want to break up with her she's crazy
00:21:23tell you what you do next time she eats bacon shit on her piece shit shit on her piece of bacon you
00:21:31know what that's going to do what's going to show a different side and you should have seen that
00:21:34side okay then she's going to say why you shit on my bacon when she say why you shit on my bacon
00:21:38say because i wanted to i'm a man i'll do what the hell i want in this household no you won't you
00:21:43won't shit on my bacon problem i'm done i'm not going to deal with a woman that goes back and
00:21:48forth with me leave you're out you see what i'm saying shit on the bacon shit on the bacon homie i know
00:21:53what i'm talking about i've been with women for years okay now that doesn't work though what should i do
00:21:58there's no reason why it shouldn't work how many times you shit on somebody's bacon
00:22:02none times exactly so how do you know if it doesn't work i don't exactly shit on the bacon man that's
00:22:08your problem you ask too many questions son if i can't produce the shit then wait till you got
00:22:12the shit and then cook the bacon okay all right all right i see why she's crazy why
00:22:19can i get the mannequin head man that's it dude i done took time out of my life to drop some science
00:22:26on you i don't have time here you go here you go let's see why you don't get business here see why
00:22:34you don't
00:22:34hey you you're gonna go good with the rest of them trust you let them call you asshole
00:22:44mm-hmm how much do i owe you let's take it you sure yes thank you say bye her name's charlene
00:22:54good night in the morning
00:22:56good night in the morning
00:23:01maybe my heart won't make a dip maybe my heart won't
00:23:25And I wonder if I should up and quit I'm rolling, rolling, rolling, my heart around the bed
00:23:47Rolling, rolling, rolling, life's kicking me down again
00:23:54Kermie! Wake up! Breakfast in bed!
00:24:21Why are you dancing?
00:24:23My daddy's coming over for dinner tonight
00:24:25I thought he was in Spain
00:24:27Barcelona, but he just got back last night and he's coming over today
00:24:31So you, mister, need to eat your breakfast
00:24:34Because you have a big day ahead of you
00:24:37I like your beer
00:24:38I like it, I like it, I like it
00:24:42What is this?
00:24:52Bacon
00:24:53Bacon?
00:24:54It's fake bacon
00:24:55Shit on the bacon, homie
00:24:56My dad's a vegetarian, so...
00:24:58I like real bacon though
00:24:59Well you don't need real bacon anymore
00:25:01Because there's big bacon
00:25:03Oh, and those are some, I can't believe it's not sausage
00:25:05Sausage!
00:25:06But I like to call it fausage
00:25:09Try some, come on, try it
00:25:11Okay
00:25:13milk
00:25:19Pulp?
00:25:20I hate pulp
00:25:22Mmm, but you like pulp
00:25:23I don't
00:25:25Mmm, mmm
00:25:27It's chewy.
00:25:33Good, right?
00:25:35No.
00:25:35Chow, chow, chow, chow, chow, chow, chow, yeah!
00:25:49Chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, chup, yeah!
00:25:59I was sleeping in the pink room last night.
00:26:01Pinky and the brain.
00:26:02Shut up.
00:26:04What's wrong with you?
00:26:05Not in the mood.
00:26:08Yeah.
00:26:20I'll give you 100 for it.
00:26:2282 in cash and the rest in quarters.
00:26:25Get out of here, Scoop.
00:26:27Come on, dude. You don't even like baseball anymore.
00:26:30Doesn't matter. It's my card. I can do what I want.
00:26:34Why even keep it in the case if you're not gonna sell it?
00:26:36Oh, I'm not gonna sell it to you. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna sell it to somebody else.
00:26:40You're just mad because the Orioles are the worst team in baseball.
00:26:43You're the worst team in baseball.
00:26:45You're ugly.
00:26:46You're a virgin. Way worse than being ugly.
00:26:48Completely irrelevant.
00:26:50I sucked a boob.
00:26:51A boob?
00:26:52Yeah. Probably.
00:26:53And you were also eating baby food at the time, right?
00:26:55No, I suck boobs all the time.
00:26:57I'm a suck machine.
00:26:58Shouldn't you, uh, be off somewhere doing homework?
00:27:01In your suit? Why are you wearing a suit?
00:27:04I had a presentation at school today.
00:27:06Did you present how much of a suck machine you are to the class?
00:27:09God, you're such a douche. Emphasis on the duh.
00:27:12You're a suck machine. Emphasis on the balls that you suck.
00:27:16Boobs.
00:27:17Balls.
00:27:18I'm coming back.
00:27:19Mm-hmm.
00:27:26I want a pawn this engagement ring, please.
00:27:32That's a big rock. How much do you want for it?
00:27:36It doesn't even matter. I can't stand looking at it anymore. I want to get rid of it.
00:27:39Well, this isn't a pawn shop, but I'll give you a dollar for it.
00:27:44What? That worthless jerk. It's fake, isn't it? Is this fake?
00:27:48He means one dollar for every tear he made you cry, and that still wouldn't be enough.
00:27:54That's sweet.
00:27:56I know your pain. You don't even have to tell me what happened, because I know, and somehow I feel sorry.
00:28:03You know, what kind of world do we live in where a beautiful creature like yourself gets her heart broken?
00:28:10Let me guess. By what? Professional athlete? Am I right?
00:28:14Yeah, football.
00:28:15I knew it.
00:28:16It's amazing.
00:28:17Don't ask me how I know. I just know these things.
00:28:20No. You must be psychic. Or, like, you must have some kind of connection.
00:28:26You feel it too?
00:28:27You know, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this.
00:28:36Don't cry.
00:28:37No. I feel so betrayed.
00:28:39And you should. You know what? I will never do that to you. You know why?
00:28:42Because it's not because I don't have the options, you know, to lead to those problems.
00:28:46It's because I don't have the money that those options have.
00:28:50That is so sweet.
00:28:52I'm going to take you out.
00:28:54And we're not going to care about whatever that basketball player did to you.
00:28:58Football.
00:28:59Football, basketball, whatever that barely passing the SAT chump did.
00:29:03We're not even going to think about it. Okay? Because I don't play games.
00:29:06Unless it's Connect Four. And I will never play Connect Four with your heart.
00:29:12No.
00:29:14Maybe that is exactly what I need.
00:29:17A fat old poor man with a really good heart.
00:29:22Yeah, it may be.
00:29:24You know, this is turning out to be a real serendipitous day.
00:29:28Yeah.
00:29:29I mean, wow. Like, my leg is changing.
00:29:31You know, I'm going to change.
00:29:33Yes, you are.
00:29:34Because you've inspired me.
00:29:36Can I inspire you for your name?
00:29:39My name is Sandy.
00:29:41Hello, Sandy. I'm Carvel.
00:29:44And that's James.
00:29:46I'm going to take this ring from you. Okay?
00:29:49Okay.
00:29:50You know, because love is more important than a ring anyway.
00:29:56It is.
00:29:57Can I just trouble you for your phone number?
00:30:00I was going to go out if I don't have your number.
00:30:03You know?
00:30:04You see, Sandy?
00:30:05That's my area, Cole.
00:30:07This is going to have so much fun.
00:30:09Yeah.
00:30:10You know what I'm going to do?
00:30:11Give me a receipt.
00:30:12Hold on.
00:30:13Let me get this to you right there.
00:30:14Receipt.
00:30:15You take this.
00:30:16Guess what that is.
00:30:17It's my heart.
00:30:18Oh.
00:30:19Be gentle.
00:30:20Be gentle.
00:30:21That is...
00:30:22You know, you are the most adorable grown man I have ever, ever met.
00:30:26You're like a little boy.
00:30:27Mm-hmm.
00:30:28And a big old body.
00:30:29I'm trapped.
00:30:30I'm trapped.
00:30:31Get me out.
00:30:32Get out.
00:30:33Sandy, help me.
00:30:34Get out.
00:30:35Get out.
00:30:36Get out.
00:30:37Bye, Sandy.
00:30:38Bye.
00:30:39Bye.
00:30:40Don't forget your pocket.
00:30:41Bye.
00:30:42Bye.
00:30:43Bye.
00:30:44Bye.
00:30:45Bye.
00:30:46Bye.
00:30:47Bye.
00:30:49Bye.
00:30:50Bye.
00:30:51Bye.
00:30:52Bye.
00:30:53Bye.
00:30:54Bye.
00:30:55Bye.
00:30:56Bye.
00:30:57Bye.
00:30:58I can't get out.
00:30:59Nurture.
00:31:00Boom.
00:31:01That's how you do it.
00:31:02Am.
00:31:03You close.
00:31:04You get in.
00:31:05Bow.
00:31:26...
00:31:36...
00:31:56Hey James, could you close up for me tonight?
00:32:01I gotta go to the mall before it closes.
00:32:03I'm gonna go to a dinner club with Jeff tonight
00:32:06and if I run late, he calls the police station
00:32:08and reports me missing.
00:32:10Wow.
00:32:11Thanks. What are you gonna do tonight?
00:32:13I am having dinner with Kim and her father,
00:32:16who I never met before.
00:32:18Wow.
00:32:20Mm-mm. Not excited about it.
00:32:22Well, look on the bright side.
00:32:24I mean, if father of the bride approves, you know,
00:32:27you're in there, man.
00:32:29You're part of the fam.
00:32:30I don't wanna be part of any family.
00:32:33Alright, well, good luck.
00:32:36Bad luck.
00:32:40Hey, loser!
00:32:45Still no on the card, Scoop.
00:32:47Trade!
00:32:48No. No trades.
00:32:50Come on, you backcatcher.
00:32:51I'll give you twice what the card's worth.
00:32:53Twice ain't enough, okay?
00:32:55Get out of here.
00:32:56You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
00:32:58Or week.
00:33:00Biggest mistake of your week!
00:33:03Okay.
00:33:04You really want that card?
00:33:05Are boobs made for sucking?
00:33:09Fine.
00:33:13Give me your soul.
00:33:14My what?
00:33:15Your soul.
00:33:16My...
00:33:17My soul?
00:33:18Yep.
00:33:20I don't...
00:33:21I don't understand.
00:33:22Well, why...
00:33:23What do you need my soul for?
00:33:24Come here.
00:33:25It's really...
00:33:26I don't...
00:33:27I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:33:29Because...
00:33:30Sam has found out.
00:33:31Give me your soul.
00:33:33And I'll give you this card.
00:33:36All...
00:33:37All or half?
00:33:38All.
00:33:39Who the hell want to have a soul?
00:33:43Okay.
00:33:45Alright, deal.
00:33:47Wow.
00:33:48Really?
00:33:49That easy?
00:33:50Yeah.
00:33:51That card's worth a soul.
00:33:52And besides, rappers do it all the time.
00:33:55Yeah, but rappers sell their soul for money and bitches.
00:33:58Not baseball cards.
00:34:00What are you saying?
00:34:02I'm saying go home right now and I won't tell your mom you tried to sell your soul for a baseball card.
00:34:07But I just...
00:34:08You...
00:34:09I...
00:34:10I just...
00:34:11But...
00:34:12Go.
00:34:13What?
00:34:14What?
00:34:15Yeah.
00:34:16That's a...
00:34:17Yeah.
00:34:18Oh!
00:34:32Mr. James.
00:34:52Please don't call me that.
00:34:53I had a teacher named Mr. James.
00:34:54Didn't like him very much.
00:34:57You can call me James.
00:34:58You got something against teachers.
00:35:00No.
00:35:01No.
00:35:02I like teachers.
00:35:03Cause they're for the kids.
00:35:05And I love kids.
00:35:08Not in a sexual way though.
00:35:10You know, like platonic love.
00:35:18Are you having sex with my daughter?
00:35:21You guys ready for some fosage?
00:35:23Mmm.
00:35:24Mmm.
00:35:25Mmm.
00:35:26Mmm.
00:35:33So, Mr. Sweet.
00:35:34What were you doing in Barcelona?
00:35:36I saw this movie called Vicky and Cristina Barcelona.
00:35:40Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
00:35:41I saw it.
00:35:42It's about a gentleman who has a threesome with two beautiful women.
00:35:45I thought I could get lucky.
00:35:46Uno.
00:35:47Dos.
00:35:48Tres.
00:35:49Today's.
00:35:50Correctamundo.
00:35:51Well, did you?
00:35:52Get lucky?
00:35:53No.
00:35:54Unless you consider...
00:35:55A foursome lucky.
00:35:56You're kidding, right?
00:35:58He's kidding.
00:35:59So, is that why they call you Mr. Sweet?
00:36:00I thought your last name was Johnson.
00:36:01It is.
00:36:02But let's just say long of the short.
00:36:03I killed a man with a candy cane.
00:36:06Why aren't you just kill him with kindness?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09No.
00:36:10No.
00:36:11No.
00:36:12No.
00:36:13No.
00:36:14No.
00:36:15No.
00:36:16No.
00:36:17No.
00:36:18No.
00:36:19No.
00:36:20No.
00:36:21No.
00:36:22No.
00:36:23No.
00:36:24No.
00:36:25No.
00:36:26No.
00:36:27No.
00:36:28No.
00:36:29No.
00:36:33You were killing with kindness.
00:36:35Less blood that way.
00:36:36You know, you being a vegetarian and all.
00:36:38I don't mind blood.
00:36:39Yeah.
00:36:40I don't mind blood either.
00:36:41The more blood the better.
00:36:42I say.
00:36:43You say that?
00:36:44I-I said it just now.
00:36:46Might say it again one day.
00:36:49You ever killed a woman James?
00:36:52Cheers.
00:36:57I'll try it later.
00:37:26You look so vulnerable when you're asleep.
00:37:29Vulnerable as in what?
00:37:31Easy to kill?
00:37:33No, easy to love.
00:37:36I feel like I have your heart right here in my hand.
00:37:39Like I just ripped it out of your chest.
00:37:41And it's right here, just beating.
00:37:44Bump, bump.
00:37:46Bump, bump.
00:37:47Bump, bump.
00:37:49It's not love. It's the temple of doom.
00:37:52Okay, so it's our love temple.
00:37:56And we'd be doomed without each other.
00:37:58I'm not worth a full dozen.
00:37:59Eight, nine, ten.
00:38:02Kim.
00:38:04Rapist!
00:38:05I think I should tell you something before this goes any further.
00:38:08What is it?
00:38:10Uh...
00:38:13I don't love you.
00:38:15I just kind of like you a little bit.
00:38:17That's okay. That's okay.
00:38:20You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:22You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:23I'm not afraid of it.
00:38:25I'm afraid of you.
00:38:29And the crazy way you're talking right now.
00:38:32I'm just crazy in love, James.
00:38:35We're going to be together forever.
00:38:39I don't want to be together.
00:38:42I do.
00:38:43I don't.
00:38:44I do.
00:38:45I do.
00:38:46I do.
00:38:47I do.
00:38:48I do.
00:38:49It's getting cold.
00:38:51What?
00:38:53Is it too hot?
00:39:02What? Is it too hot? Is it too cold? Is it just so good you can't keep it in your mouth?
00:39:31Just what? Honestly? You really want to know? Honestly? It tastes like shit. Like actual shit. Like you put a spoonful of shit in my oatmeal and mixed it around. You don't have to be afraid. Afraid that you might have put shit in my oatmeal. But you wouldn't do that. No. You wouldn't put animal war.
00:40:01You wouldn't put your human feces in my oatmeal, would you? That's right, James. Shit.
00:40:12Why would you do that? That's what our relationship is going to taste like if we don't commit to making it the best it can be right now.
00:40:18Seriously, Kim, what did you put in there? I'm just going to have to be more proactive with my efforts.
00:40:23So are you saying that I just had shit in my mouth? Really? Wow. Shit.
00:40:28You know what? I'm glad we had this talk.
00:40:30Break up? Break up? I mean, if that's what you want. You can totally do that. You know, we'll obviously still be roommates, though. We'll still live together. Of course. Wow. I knew you would be good about this. I knew you would be great about this.
00:40:53You know what? What? I think I'm done feeling you out. What does that mean?
00:41:00Okay. Okay, so there's 88 keys. Oh, it's a rapper named 88.
00:41:07Alright, but this is a piano, so there's at the middle of it. Right there. Okay. So you just put your hand here. And there's an octave. So an octave is 8. Okay.
00:41:19Even if your hand is 8, right? Yeah. So C to C.
00:41:22This 1, 2, 3, 3. Hey. Hey.
00:41:28Okay, so there's a D, D, D, D, D.
00:41:32Oh, wait. Don't sing, just.
00:41:34Oh.
00:41:35Hey.
00:41:36Hey.
00:41:37Hey.
00:41:38Hey.
00:41:39Hey.
00:41:40He just called her Miss Piggy.
00:41:42Finally.
00:41:43How'd he get it?
00:41:44Finally?
00:41:45Oh, shit.
00:41:46Let's see.
00:41:47Get it close up.
00:41:48I'll kill him.
00:41:49Oh, shit.
00:41:50Why don't I?
00:41:51Keep it right there.
00:41:52I'm speaking very well.
00:41:54You.
00:41:55That's disgusting.
00:41:56I'm feeling good.
00:41:57Oh, yeah.
00:41:58Why is he making that noise?
00:41:59Wait.
00:42:00No, no, no.
00:42:01Don't touch me right there.
00:42:02Don't touch me.
00:42:03He's losing a bad one.
00:42:08How long was that?
00:42:09Ten minutes?
00:42:10He's done.
00:42:12Oh, my God.
00:42:15Oh, by the way, we have to be at Shawna's at 8,
00:42:17so I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:42:19But...
00:42:24Hey.
00:42:26Hey.
00:42:27Hey.
00:42:28Wait.
00:42:29Kim.
00:42:31Kim.
00:42:32What?
00:42:33What?
00:42:34What's going on?
00:42:35I thought we were still going to talk about breaking up.
00:42:37No.
00:42:38What do you mean, no?
00:42:39No, I don't want to break up.
00:42:41Why not?
00:42:42Because I just gave you my born-again virginity.
00:42:45Born-again virginity?
00:42:46Yes.
00:42:47What is that?
00:42:48After every relationship, I get born again.
00:42:50What is that?
00:42:51Like, formatting your hard drive?
00:42:53Yeah, I guess so.
00:42:55Well, I still think we should break up.
00:42:58What?
00:43:00Honestly?
00:43:03Yeah.
00:43:06What?
00:43:07Oh, my God.
00:43:08Oh, my God.
00:43:11What?
00:43:15That's the one I just gave you?
00:43:17Oh, God.
00:43:19Shh.
00:43:20No.
00:43:21Kim.
00:43:22No.
00:43:23No.
00:43:24No.
00:43:25No.
00:43:26No.
00:43:27No.
00:43:28No.
00:43:29No.
00:43:30No.
00:43:31No.
00:43:36It's gonna suck so much when you die.
00:43:42Excuse me?
00:43:43What?
00:43:44I never told you what happened to all of my ex-boyfriends.
00:43:48They lived happily ever after?
00:43:49They all disappeared.
00:43:50Maybe they're just hiding from you.
00:43:51Maybe someone killed them.
00:43:52And then chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces.
00:43:55What's that crazy look in your eyes?
00:43:56It's love, James.
00:43:57It's the same love that made my mother die from loneliness.
00:44:0180 proof loneliness.
00:44:03But alcohol...
00:44:04Alcohol isn't the answer, James.
00:44:05What's the, uh...
00:44:06What's the answer?
00:44:07Uh.
00:44:08Straight up street violence.
00:44:09No.
00:44:10No.
00:44:11No.
00:44:12No.
00:44:13No.
00:44:14No.
00:44:15No.
00:44:16No.
00:44:17No.
00:44:18No.
00:44:19No.
00:44:20No.
00:44:21No.
00:44:22No.
00:44:23No.
00:44:24No.
00:44:25No.
00:44:26No.
00:44:27No.
00:44:28No.
00:44:29No.
00:44:30No.
00:44:31No.
00:44:32No.
00:44:33In violence.
00:44:34I was joking.
00:44:35I can't hear you.
00:44:36I was joking.
00:44:38You're joking?
00:44:39You're joking?
00:44:39You're joking?
00:44:40Oh my god.
00:44:41You just saved your life.
00:44:42You have no idea.
00:44:43From now on I'm not gonna take anything you say seriously.
00:44:45You're always joking.
00:44:47your life. You have no idea. Now I'm not gonna take anything you say seriously. You're always
00:44:55joking. You're always joking, joking, joking. That's all. Okay. Well, okay. Well, I'll
00:45:04bring you a different shirt later. I'll pick you up at 730, okay? Okay. All right. I love
00:45:08you. I miss you.
00:45:17This is all your fault. You know that? Straight up street violence. If you had ovaries, I'd
00:45:26be afraid for your future children. If you had any heart, you would have came and smacked
00:45:31her around a little bit. Now, look, what I need is to get out of this relationship without
00:45:38the occurrence of any physical confrontation. That's all I need. Dude, you need an exit
00:45:43strategy. Because unless Osama bin Laden is hiding in that girl's vajayjay, you gotta
00:45:47get away. Am I right? You're right. I need to bring your troops on. Bring them home. And
00:45:52by troops, I mean my manhood. Exactly. Hold on. Wait. Do you guys hear that? What? That's
00:45:58the sound of brain cells dying because that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my
00:46:02life. Whatever. You guys are being dumbasses. Whatever. You listen to her, you listen to
00:46:06me. It's your choice. Okay. What? Nothing. I just imagined you saying that you were thinking
00:46:23about what our kids would look like. You imagined me saying that? Mm-hmm. And our wedding too.
00:46:31And he said you wanted all of our families to be there. All of our friends will accept
00:46:35Carville. And then he said we can go to Paris and make love under the Eiffel Tower. And then
00:46:39go to Barcelona and embrace under every landmark for 15 minutes. And then he whispered in
00:46:45my ear, I want to have you inside of me. And I was like, what? That's impossible. And you
00:46:53were like, I know that's impossible. But I still want it. I just love your soul. You
00:47:00can be so romantic sometimes. You know, imagining me saying something doesn't really count as
00:47:09me saying it, right? Oh, you know what? James. James can help
00:47:16you. James. Oh. Come on. Help Shawna get the china globes up here. Okay? Yeah, he'll help
00:47:21you. He's taller than that. Perfect. Good. Good. And then what about our candles? The candles,
00:47:26you know what? I was thinking about doing, I don't know. What do you think? I think so. I think,
00:47:30okay, that's a good idea for the pool. But you also might want to get some like tea candles,
00:47:33like the really small ones. Oh, that's romantic. To set the table. You know what I mean? Very romantic.
00:47:37It'll be nice with like the sun going down. Maybe we can get James to help kind of clean
00:47:40some of this stuff out of the pool. Yeah, he can do that. I haven't gotten around to it.
00:47:43He can take care of that. That's what he's here for. Good. Good. The more, the merrier.
00:47:47Yeah, so these need to go up here before we're out with that. It'll be good. I'm so excited
00:47:51to get those up. I know. I've been wanting to get those up forever. Yeah, if you could
00:47:54just, you know, kind of, you're tall. It's only two of them.
00:47:59You can. Absolutely. It's time for a toast.
00:48:02One, two, three. Come on. Get it out. Come on.
00:48:06That's cool. Uh-oh. Little tipsy.
00:48:09You guys are my goodness. I want to come here every week because I love each and every one
00:48:14of your faces. As you should. And that's not the rum talking. As you should.
00:48:17That's this guy talking. That's right.
00:48:19I didn't think I liked you at first, but it was the best thing. It was the best thing.
00:48:26No, but you have thrown on me, my friend. Do you guys like the shirt that I bought
00:48:31to you? I knew you picked that out. You have such great shirts.
00:48:33I know. Thank you. That's awesome.
00:48:35We're wearing purple. Yes, we are.
00:48:37We picked out our outfits, too. I knew that.
00:48:41Doesn't James look great in pink? We're wearing pink together.
00:48:47Oh, nice. The tequila melts it so hard. Or is it vodka or rum?
00:48:54I can't remember. We've had it all. We don't remember.
00:48:57It doesn't matter. It's good. He's getting the job done yet.
00:49:00He might need to be cut off, actually. All right.
00:49:02Oh, come on. This is a special punch.
00:49:06No, no, no, no. Walk home.
00:49:08Walk home before I get another one.
00:49:10No, you're not. You're not.
00:49:11When you work hard all week, you deserve it.
00:49:13I hate you. Thank you.
00:49:14I agree. I agree.
00:49:16I will sleep here. I will sleep on a raft in the pool.
00:49:19No. No, we will not. I want to go home today.
00:49:20I will sleep in the pool.
00:49:21I will sleep in the pool.
00:49:22Damn, you're gonna pick me up tomorrow.
00:49:24Play Station. Me and you. Play Station next week on here.
00:49:26Play Station!
00:49:28Oh, game night?
00:49:29Um, okay.
00:49:30Play Station.
00:49:31Let's do it. Come on, James.
00:49:32Play Station.
00:49:33Play Station.
00:49:34We don't know.
00:49:35James, you need another drink there, man?
00:49:36You look good on pink.
00:49:37Doesn't he?
00:49:38That's what I tell him all the time. He needs to wear more pink.
00:49:41So we can match together.
00:49:43Hey.
00:49:44Hey.
00:49:45What a cutie.
00:49:46What a cutie.
00:49:47Horrible.
00:49:48Why are you talking?
00:49:49Why are you talking?
00:49:50Why are you talking?
00:49:51All right, Ronnie's having a good time.
00:49:53How are you talking?
00:49:54Now you're talking.
00:49:55Oh.
00:49:56All right, man, we need to break up.
00:49:57All right, all right.
00:49:58All cheers to that.
00:49:59Yeah.
00:50:00Hey.
00:50:01All right, all right, all right.
00:50:02Yeah.
00:50:03Hey.
00:50:04Hey.
00:50:05Hey.
00:50:06Hey.
00:50:07Hey.
00:50:08I'm out.
00:50:12Where's he going?
00:50:13Is he joking?
00:50:14Was he upset?
00:50:15I think it might have been a tequila.
00:50:17I'm sorry.
00:50:18He left his shoes.
00:50:19Uh, oh.
00:50:20That was just...
00:50:21I mean...
00:50:22Again, when I stormed out of the party back there, I wasn't storming out of our relationship.
00:50:46You know, just the party.
00:50:52We're still cool, right?
00:51:01I mean, you're worried about everybody that you're tweeting and BBMing and they're not even
00:51:05your friends in real life.
00:51:07Like, duh.
00:51:08Come on.
00:51:09You're so cute right now.
00:51:11You're jealous.
00:51:12Right.
00:51:13You're so cute.
00:51:14I have so many followers.
00:51:16I don't get it.
00:51:28Like, follow you where?
00:51:29What is that?
00:51:30You're a Quaker.
00:51:31Right.
00:51:32I'm a Quaker and you're a techno whore.
00:51:34Stuff shop.
00:51:35This is Leona.
00:51:36Now that is the posture of a guy with no whipped cream in his chocolate pudding.
00:51:42What are you doing?
00:51:43Back door was open.
00:51:44Get out.
00:51:45You're not getting that card scoop.
00:51:47Whoa, whoa, hey.
00:51:48Get out.
00:51:49Let's just concentrate on one thing at a time here.
00:51:50I heard about your, uh, situation.
00:51:53What situation?
00:51:54That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:51:56Uh, I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:52:00Get out.
00:52:01Hey, I can help you out.
00:52:02I can get her to break up with you.
00:52:04Get out.
00:52:05Come on, dude.
00:52:06I don't have any after school activities.
00:52:12Well, she wouldn't break up on me anyway.
00:52:14Why would she do that?
00:52:15Girls do it all the time.
00:52:17They break up with a guy that they thought was the one,
00:52:21just as soon as they find out that he's not the one.
00:52:25So, all we gotta do is convince her that you're not the one.
00:52:38Honey, I'm home.
00:52:41You're late.
00:52:46What happened to you?
00:52:47I went to a strip club after work and sucked some boobs
00:52:52and got a lap dance.
00:52:55A couple lap dances.
00:53:01Oops.
00:53:02Wow.
00:53:04Busted.
00:53:05What is that?
00:53:06Looks like I've been having safe sex.
00:53:09A lot of it, too.
00:53:11And don't be fooled by just the one condom.
00:53:13I used a lot of them.
00:53:14Some I used twice.
00:53:16I doubled up.
00:53:17You don't believe me?
00:53:23You were such a bad liar.
00:53:27That's good, though.
00:53:28That's a good quality to have in a spouse.
00:53:31I'm not lying.
00:53:33I had sex with a stripper in the strip club.
00:53:38What was the stripper's name?
00:53:40Strawberry banana?
00:53:44Yogurt?
00:53:46What's her best friend there?
00:53:48Rainbow sherbet?
00:53:49Or was it mint chocolate chip?
00:53:53Man, what?
00:53:54I love strawberry banana yogurt.
00:53:55That's all I could think of.
00:53:56Your favorite dessert is all you could think of.
00:53:58At least you didn't say, like, rainbow sherbet.
00:53:59Or mint chocolate chip.
00:54:00You should have said, like, cinnamon or, like, peaches and cream.
00:54:03Ooh, peaches and cream.
00:54:04That sounds more like a dynamic duo of strippers, though.
00:54:06Like, Batman and Robin.
00:54:08Peaches and cream.
00:54:09Dude, crime-fighting strippers.
00:54:11chocolate chip you should have said like cinnamon or like peaches and cream
00:54:16Oh peaches and cream that sounds more like a dynamic duo of strippers so like
00:54:20Batman and Robin peaches and cream do crime-fighting strippers I could be like
00:54:26a TV show like peaches and cream next on HBO yeah I would love it your boyfriend
00:54:36yo office now a little stunt you had me pull didn't work she didn't believe me
00:54:41did you pull the empty condom wrapper trick this is bad interesting it's not
00:54:47interesting it's bad okay I'm getting my advice from a kid a suck machine oh hey
00:54:54hey hey hey first thing I learned from watching Gossip Girls is that women are
00:54:58irrational big word can you spell it and when dealing with irrational people you
00:55:05have to be even more irrational you gotta think outside the box well why don't
00:55:11you think outside the store well if it's gonna be a problem then I'll just have to
00:55:19take my services elsewhere you should do that
00:55:22i-r-r-a-t-i-o-n-a-l nice
00:55:27watch Gossip Girls yes I do and I can help you you just gotta trust me but first I'm gonna need that
00:55:44Cal Ripken jr rookie card no way I've got this I've got this
00:55:52oh my god
00:56:06Come.
00:56:07Come.
00:56:08Come.
00:56:09Come.
00:56:10Come.
00:56:11Come.
00:56:12Come.
00:56:13Come.
00:56:14Come.
00:56:15Come.
00:56:16Come.
00:56:17Come.
00:56:18Come.
00:56:19Hi.
00:56:20Hi.
00:56:21Hi.
00:56:22Hey.
00:56:23Hey.
00:56:24Hey.
00:56:25Dad.
00:56:26You're just in time to get your nails done.
00:56:29Who's this?
00:56:31This is, this is Yini.
00:56:32Right?
00:56:33Apparently, I'm her new mother.
00:56:37Her old one was killed in a freak.
00:56:39It was a hyena and a wolverine attack.
00:56:41And a barracuda.
00:56:42And a barracuda.
00:56:43Wow, that is so heartbreaking.
00:56:46I don't get it.
00:56:47Is this some kind of joke or something?
00:56:49What?
00:56:50You mean you don't remember impregnating a girl when you were 12 years old?
00:56:54Yeah.
00:56:55Oh.
00:56:56Yes.
00:56:57Wow.
00:56:58I was 13.
00:56:59Why don't you come join us on the couch?
00:57:00All right.
00:57:01Sit on down.
00:57:02You must be tired from working all day.
00:57:03Yes.
00:57:04Long day.
00:57:05Uh-huh.
00:57:06You can get a little closer.
00:57:07We won't bite you.
00:57:08Okay.
00:57:09She looks just like me.
00:57:10It's for everybody.
00:57:11She's got resemblance.
00:57:12Wow.
00:57:13So...
00:57:14Yeni is your name?
00:57:15Dad, you know my name.
00:57:16Stop it.
00:57:17Don't go ahead.
00:57:18You're gonna have to...
00:57:20You're gonna have to move in with us.
00:57:21Yeah.
00:57:22Right?
00:57:23Okay.
00:57:24Yep.
00:57:25And since then you are...
00:57:26You know my name.
00:57:27I'm going to get this girl and I'm going to get her.
00:57:28I'm going to be a little closer.
00:57:29I'm going to get her.
00:57:30Your girl.
00:57:31You can get a little closer.
00:57:32No.
00:57:33We won't bite you.
00:57:34Okay.
00:57:35She looks just like me.
00:57:36That's what everybody...
00:57:37She's got her resemblance.
00:57:38Wow.
00:57:39So...
00:57:40Yeni, is she...
00:57:41Your name?
00:57:42Yep, and since I won't be around, you're gonna be her new mommy. How about that?
00:57:46Kim? Of course. What? James, I've always wanted to have your children. I mean, I didn't know it was gonna be so soon.
00:57:55That hurt. But, um, of course, I'll help you raise your daughter.
00:58:03Okay.
00:58:05What?
00:58:07Okay, um, this is awkward. I can't, like, really be your daughter, because I kind of have a mother already.
00:58:17Yeah, um, and if I don't get home before curfew, she's gonna be pissed.
00:58:24No, I tried, okay? Sorry.
00:58:27Really? A barracuda?
00:58:29Scoop said you would pay me.
00:58:30Do you even know what a barracuda is?
00:58:32That's not the point, okay? They attack all the time.
00:58:34How much?
00:58:3550 bucks.
00:58:36Oh, my God.
00:58:38You know, because that's the price of my Justin Bieber tickets.
00:58:40You're a little scam artist. I'm sure whose mom gets eaten by a barracuda, really.
00:58:45It could happen. It could totally happen.
00:58:49This better be a snack, too.
00:58:54Doing your derby work.
00:58:55Come on.
00:58:58That's all I got.
00:59:00Here, take this.
00:59:02Take it.
00:59:03Get out of here.
00:59:04Dude, I don't do piggy banks.
00:59:07Keep it.
00:59:11Thanks for the snack.
00:59:13Oh, you're welcome, sweetie.
00:59:15Well, I guess I'll just let myself out.
00:59:17Scoop.
00:59:18Uh, what was that?
00:59:31Crazy people.
00:59:32Don't, don't let crazy people in the house, man.
00:59:35She could have ex-murdered both of us.
00:59:37Tails, we break up.
00:59:38Heads, we stay together.
00:59:41Heads.
00:59:42We're together forever.
00:59:50How about best two out of three?
00:59:52Nope.
00:59:55I said no.
00:59:59It's heads.
01:00:00You are never getting that Coworkin' Junior rookie card.
01:00:05Never.
01:00:05Dude, chill out.
01:00:06No, I will not chill out, okay?
01:00:08You douchebag.
01:00:10Okay, look, I heard about what happened last night.
01:00:13I'm sorry, okay?
01:00:15I'm sure that was gonna work.
01:00:16Yeah, and you owe me 50 bucks for that.
01:00:18Okay.
01:00:19You suckbitch.
01:00:19This is all just part of a trial and error.
01:00:22Now we know what doesn't work,
01:00:23and now we can fix it out what does.
01:00:26Your schemes?
01:00:26I'm done with them.
01:00:27They don't work, okay?
01:00:28I'm giving up.
01:00:33I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:37You're really giving up?
01:00:40Guys like us don't give up.
01:00:42I mean, where would Middle Earth have been
01:00:44if Frodo and his friends just gave up?
01:00:46What sort of country would we live in
01:00:49if Jack Bauer didn't defend
01:00:50countless terrorist attacks on American soil?
01:00:52You can't give up, man.
01:00:53Because if you do
01:00:55all those
01:00:56crazy women running around
01:00:59who should be in mental institutions,
01:01:01but they're just so freaking hot
01:01:03that they're just not,
01:01:06they're just gonna have another win.
01:01:09We gotta teach these crazy hot chicks a lesson.
01:01:11Amen.
01:01:12You gotta hang in there, man.
01:01:14I don't know what to do.
01:01:17Dude, okay, I got a plan.
01:01:19It's a little risky,
01:01:21but I think it'll work.
01:01:23Crazy bitches.
01:01:30Crazy bitches.
01:01:34Come on.
01:01:36Put your hand down.
01:01:37Let's do it.
01:01:38Crazy bitches.
01:01:39Yes!
01:01:39Yes!
01:01:43Reverse psychology.
01:01:45Reverse psychology.
01:01:46It has to be like the worst proposal of all time.
01:01:49Genius.
01:01:50All time.
01:01:51Don't listen to them.
01:01:53Why not?
01:01:54Because what if she says yes?
01:01:56She's not gonna say yes
01:01:57because it's gonna be a crap proposal.
01:01:59No, that's crazy.
01:02:01Look, why don't you just talk with her?
01:02:04Be honest.
01:02:04Tell her how you feel.
01:02:06That would be gay.
01:02:08Really gay.
01:02:09Yeah, you're right.
01:02:11What are you trying to make us gay
01:02:13with all your gay talk?
01:02:14You guys are being idiots.
01:02:15Stuff shop, this is Leona.
01:02:17I ain't doing it.
01:02:28Can you untie this?
01:02:31Why?
01:02:33Because I want you to take me.
01:02:37Take you where?
01:02:38No, take my body.
01:02:48Can I, can I just take you to the movies instead?
01:02:52No.
01:02:54What are you doing?
01:02:56I want to take your body.
01:02:57I want to take it just a little bit.
01:02:59No, it's my turn of the month.
01:03:01I can't do that.
01:03:02Come on, you.
01:03:04Make me feel like a woman.
01:03:06I think we should break up.
01:03:07I think you should break up with me.
01:03:08Why would I want to do that?
01:03:09You're the greatest boyfriend ever.
01:03:11No, thanks, but I don't want to be though.
01:03:13You.
01:03:14You piggy, those are little carpet.
01:03:17Come on, Kim.
01:03:18We're not compatible.
01:03:20Many people aren't supposed to mate.
01:03:23Answer me.
01:03:24Right now.
01:03:25No, Kim.
01:03:25No.
01:03:26Why not?
01:03:28Because.
01:03:28Because what?
01:03:30Because, Kim.
01:03:33Because we have to get married.
01:03:36Right?
01:03:37Right?
01:03:38Did you say married?
01:03:39Did you say married?
01:03:40Yeah, I did.
01:03:51Hi.
01:03:52Is Leona here?
01:03:54Leona?
01:03:57Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:03:59Yes.
01:04:00It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:04:04Sure.
01:04:05In the neighborhood?
01:04:07I guess.
01:04:09Can I ask you a question?
01:04:12Yeah.
01:04:13How does it feel to be so old and dating somebody so young?
01:04:17That huge age gap difference?
01:04:20It feels fine.
01:04:22Why?
01:04:23Age is just a number anyway.
01:04:27Okay.
01:04:28So have you found that being 60 and dating a 20-year-old is better than being married, having kids, being loved?
01:04:39I'm 45.
01:04:41Besides, I already did the whole family thing.
01:04:46It's my choice to date 20-year-olds.
01:04:49And that's a good thing?
01:04:52Yeah.
01:04:55I'm happy.
01:04:58Hey.
01:04:59Hey.
01:05:01All right, we'll see you tonight.
01:05:03Tonight.
01:05:04Your engagement party.
01:05:07Oh, yeah, that.
01:05:08No.
01:05:09Probably won't go to that.
01:05:10I was thinking about jumping off a bridge after work.
01:05:13Cry me a river, George Bailey.
01:05:16See you later.
01:05:18Yep, I'll leave you in my will.
01:05:22Kim.
01:05:24Kim.
01:05:27Look.
01:05:28I always knew this was going to happen.
01:05:30I just thought it would be with somebody more attractive.
01:05:34You know what I look forward to?
01:05:37You waiting on me hand and foot.
01:05:39Like, I heard this like a log when you get married.
01:05:41That'll be fun.
01:05:44How do you feel about polygamy?
01:05:47We'll talk about it later.
01:05:49I'm going to try really, really hard not to cheat on you.
01:05:54That much.
01:05:55Not that much.
01:05:56Minimal.
01:05:57Minimal.
01:05:58So, here we go.
01:06:00Kim.
01:06:00You can make me the happiest man.
01:06:04Kind of happy.
01:06:05Not really.
01:06:06In the world right now.
01:06:08By...
01:06:09Accepting my blah, blah, blah marriage proposal.
01:06:16Will you marry me?
01:06:17Like, stuff like that.
01:06:20All that crap.
01:06:21Whatever.
01:06:25Yes.
01:06:27What?
01:06:29I'll marry you.
01:06:30No, no.
01:06:31That's not what you said.
01:06:31Hello.
01:06:32Hello, man.
01:06:33Speak to Kim.
01:06:34This is Kim.
01:06:35How you doing, Kim?
01:06:36This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:38This is who?
01:06:39This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:41We have a friend of yours down here.
01:06:44Oh, okay.
01:06:45Alrighty, yeah.
01:06:46Your friend James is here.
01:06:48James?
01:06:49Yes.
01:06:50He's not my friend, but James is my fiancée.
01:06:52Well, I can.
01:06:53Right.
01:06:53Oh.
01:06:54See, I didn't know this.
01:06:55James is your fiancée.
01:06:56I forgot to mention that.
01:06:58Okay, well, I didn't know that you guys were engaged and that this was your fiancée, but
01:07:03he came down to the neighborhood.
01:07:05We were on air talking about relationships, and he made sure he came in to tell us that
01:07:11he's no longer happy with the relationship.
01:07:13He doesn't want to marry you.
01:07:15Is this a joke?
01:07:16No, no, honey.
01:07:17This isn't a joke.
01:07:19He really had us call you to let you know that he's done.
01:07:22For real.
01:07:24I don't know who you guys are or who put you up to this.
01:07:26James is here.
01:07:27Kim.
01:07:28Kim, James is here.
01:07:29Say hello to her.
01:07:30Hello, Kim.
01:07:32Hi.
01:07:32Kermie?
01:07:34What?
01:07:34What?
01:07:34No?
01:07:35He don't want you to call him honey anymore, is he?
01:07:36I think he doesn't want you to be upset.
01:07:38Right.
01:07:38So why would I get upset?
01:07:40Because I, he got evicted from his apartment and begged to stay with me, and so I let him,
01:07:45and I cooked for him and cleaned for him, and now he's calling me on the radio in front
01:07:50of everybody to say that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
01:07:53But you know what?
01:07:53He still wants you to cook.
01:07:54Why would I be upset?
01:07:55He still wants you to cook and clean, and he still wants to stay on the couch.
01:07:57He just don't want to be engaged.
01:07:58He don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
01:08:00Roommate.
01:08:01All the other stuff.
01:08:01Yeah, roommate.
01:08:02Roommate.
01:08:02Not mate.
01:08:03Exactly.
01:08:03Yeah, I, that's not going to work.
01:08:05Liz, are you there?
01:08:06Yeah, I'm here.
01:08:07You know, this is so typical.
01:08:09Does he know how you need a guy, and he pretends to be Prince Charming in the beginning, he's
01:08:13whining you, he's dining you, he's taking you out.
01:08:15Did you do that?
01:08:16All this stuff.
01:08:17Maybe a little bit.
01:08:18Spends all of his money, and then you find out in the end that it was all just, you know,
01:08:22it was pretend.
01:08:23He was staking it.
01:08:24Well, yeah.
01:08:25Who does that?
01:08:26Right.
01:08:27Oh, James does that.
01:08:27And then now, you know.
01:08:28Well, you know, just in a nutshell, Kim, he doesn't want to be with you anymore, he
01:08:34wants it to be over, he still wants you to cook and clean for him, if possible, he would
01:08:40like to have the linen changed on the sofa tonight, and he's done.
01:08:44She beats me.
01:08:44What?
01:08:45And he said he don't want you to be physical with him anymore.
01:08:48You know what the problem is?
01:08:49The problem is you.
01:08:50He's just afraid of intimacy.
01:08:51No, the problem is him.
01:08:52The problem is he's afraid of intimacy.
01:08:54You know, and I listen to your show all the time, and I see a really, really big fan.
01:08:58And if you don't mind me quoting you guys, it's just relationships are all about, you
01:09:02know, loving each other past your mistakes, and that's what, you know, I'm trying to do.
01:09:07Like, I know I'm not perfect, and he's not perfect, but he's told me he's got intimacy
01:09:11issues, and I'm willing to love him past that.
01:09:13No, I don't have intimacy issues.
01:09:14All of that.
01:09:15Intimacy issues.
01:09:17Right.
01:09:18So, I mean, is it crazy to you that he's saying anything to kind of get out of this relationship?
01:09:23You know what I think is crazy is that he's just so afraid to be in love.
01:09:33You warned me.
01:09:34Why didn't I listen?
01:09:36Nobody listens.
01:09:38Everybody rushes.
01:09:42This old man River.
01:09:44Um, he dumped me.
01:09:47Yeah.
01:09:47He was like, um, you should find someone your own age, you should settle down, start a family,
01:09:55that kind of stuff.
01:09:56It was weird.
01:09:59Wow.
01:10:00What?
01:10:02All this time, I didn't realize it was right in front of me until now.
01:10:06What are you talking about?
01:10:08Are you drunk?
01:10:09Oh, oh, God, James.
01:10:12Sorry.
01:10:12Oh, no.
01:10:14Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?
01:10:16I just kissed Leon.
01:10:17Oh, God.
01:10:18Dude, on the lips?
01:10:18Oh, God.
01:10:19Dude, you know how many penises have been on these bad boys, man?
01:10:21What?
01:10:21Shut up.
01:10:22Only two.
01:10:23Right.
01:10:23Stop.
01:10:24Right.
01:10:24Yeah, too many.
01:10:25Come on.
01:10:26Oh, God.
01:10:26What you thinking?
01:10:27Sorry.
01:10:27He tried the whole 80s movie, I'm really in love with my platonic girlfriend move.
01:10:32No.
01:10:32What is that?
01:10:33Uh.
01:10:34Yeah.
01:10:34Oh, God.
01:10:35I can't go through with this.
01:10:36I can't.
01:10:38Well, maybe you could run.
01:10:40She'll find me.
01:10:41Oh, too late.
01:10:42Here she comes.
01:10:44What are you doing out here?
01:10:45Everybody's inside.
01:10:48Leon, kiss me.
01:10:49Oh, God.
01:10:49Kiss me.
01:10:51Make it look real.
01:10:52Let me get in.
01:10:53Freaking freak.
01:10:54Don't push me.
01:10:58Me, too.
01:11:03Stop.
01:11:04Stop.
01:11:04Stop.
01:11:04Stop.
01:11:04I'm sorry.
01:11:08I'm sorry.
01:11:08I apologize.
01:11:10Kim, come here.
01:11:11What?
01:11:12You didn't say sorry to me.
01:11:13I didn't know you were into that, baby.
01:11:15You should have told me.
01:11:15No, I'm not.
01:11:16I'm not into that.
01:11:17Kim, seriously.
01:11:18Stop.
01:11:19I think that you deserve a guy that wants the same things you want.
01:11:22Marriage, kids, true happiness.
01:11:24But you make me happy.
01:11:26Well, right now, I might.
01:11:27But, like, in the long run, I won't.
01:11:30You don't know that.
01:11:31You're right.
01:11:32I don't.
01:11:32But, like, we just don't.
01:11:34Like, we want different things in life.
01:11:36That's okay.
01:11:37Differences are good.
01:11:38It gives us stuff to talk about, right?
01:11:39On the surface, yeah, maybe.
01:11:41But as a couple, not wanting the same things is bad.
01:11:46It can lead to unhappiness.
01:11:47I don't want to be 60 and unhappy because that'll lead to unhappy breakfast and oatmeal shit in it.
01:12:12Well, can't we just work on it?
01:12:15I don't want to work on it.
01:12:18Wow, that sounded bad.
01:12:20Maybe I should have just told you all this in the beginning.
01:12:24Yeah, you should have.
01:12:26Sorry.
01:12:26Tails.
01:12:41Tails.
01:12:41What does that mean?
01:12:44It's over between us, James.
01:12:46Over.
01:12:47You are now, I'm going to do this for you.
01:12:52You are now anointed a single man, James.
01:12:54And probably homeless, too.
01:12:55Can I say something?
01:12:56Yes.
01:12:56If I end up missing, Kim is the one to arrest.
01:13:01Okay, there it is.
01:13:02So, if you come up missing, we'll make sure that Kim goes to jail.
01:13:05You're really scared of him.
01:13:06Don't change the door locks, love.
01:13:07He's coming home.
01:13:08Yeah, he's coming home.
01:13:08That's right.
01:13:09And make sure that you go ahead and put those pillows together up for him so he can sleep
01:13:12on that couch.
01:13:12See you later, roomie.
01:13:13All right.
01:13:14It's a beautiful day in the name of the big boys.
01:13:16Make a love.
01:13:18Seeing you with my daddy, the baby ate dinner like a family.
01:13:22It felt good.
01:13:23You haven't sex with my daughter.
01:13:25I haven't felt that way since my mom passed away.
01:13:27I love you.
01:13:28Bum, bum.
01:13:29I do.
01:13:30Bum, bum.
01:13:31Bum, bum.
01:13:32I love you.
01:13:33Hey, love.
01:13:34You're going to go in or you're just going to sit here?
01:13:41I do.
01:13:42I do.
01:13:43I do.
01:13:44I just love you.
01:13:46You're so I do.
01:13:49Come on.
01:13:53It's tour day.
01:14:02Seriously, you're always joking.
01:14:03You're always joking, joking, joking, joking.
01:14:11Don't worry, I'll be the DJ.
01:14:15Don't worry, I'll be the DJ.
01:14:19You're right.
01:14:31You're right.
01:14:33You're right, my mother was unhappy, and it's not because my father left her, it's because
01:14:48she didn't love herself.
01:14:51I can see how hard it was for my dad to live with that, and I don't want to be with someone
01:14:55who isn't happy with himself.
01:14:58I know.
01:15:04What you said, telling me the truth no matter how much it hurt, it meant a lot.
01:15:11Thanks.
01:15:12I don't know, sometimes I just worry about ending up alone, so I guess it makes me a little
01:15:20aggressive.
01:15:21A little?
01:15:23Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:15:26Yeah, I'm sorry too, really sorry.
01:15:31I'm kind of sorry.
01:15:34I'm sorry.
01:15:39So, where are you going to go?
01:15:45I would say Barcelona, but I can't afford that.
01:15:56You can sell your TV?
01:15:58That's not funny.
01:16:00I guess you can sleep on my couch until you find a place.
01:16:07Really?
01:16:09After all that?
01:16:12Don't make me flip the coin.
01:16:14No, I'm just saying, are you sure?
01:16:18Because I don't want to impose...
01:16:19What are you doing?
01:16:20No!
01:16:21I'm so tired of being broke
01:16:29It's hard enough being alone
01:16:32To weather these storms
01:16:35I'm so sorry I let you down
01:16:43If only I knew the way
01:16:46To get ourselves out
01:16:53Are you being good?
01:16:55Or are you kind?
01:16:57I would wonder why we won't make you fight
01:17:02I would wonder why we won't make you fight
01:17:05But remember, please
01:17:10We are lucky
01:17:15I don't know why I get so sad
01:17:24I guess it feels like I've gone mad
01:17:27And there's no escape
01:17:34I try and do just what I can
01:17:38To help my fellow man
01:17:41But it's not enough
01:17:47Are you playing good?
01:17:49Or are you kind?
01:17:55Are we one?
01:17:56Or are we one big divide?
01:18:00But remember, please
01:18:05We are lucky
01:18:09We are lucky
01:18:22We are lucky
01:18:24We are lucky
01:18:38Are you being good
01:18:40Are you being good?
01:18:42Are we one?
01:18:44Or are we one big divide?
01:18:46We are lucky
01:18:48Are you being good?
01:18:49Or are we one big divide?
01:18:51But remember...
01:18:53Please
01:18:56We
01:18:57Are lucky
01:19:02We are lucky
01:19:04We are lucky