Taskmaster (UK) S19 E01 2025
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FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:35Hello! Thank you, I'm Greg Davies.
00:37Welcome to this brand new series of Taskmaster!
00:45I have never felt so full of hope.
00:48The tasks are new, the contestants are new,
00:51and whilst I was enjoying my single-origin espresso this morning,
00:54they were being shaved down and put through our 12-point hygiene programme,
00:58ready for battle, so they all smell just great...
01:01for now.
01:02So, let's meet the new recruits,
01:04ready to risk it all to take home Daddy's golden head.
01:10Daddy's golden head of destiny,
01:13is a sentence I forgot I wrote.
01:16Please welcome...
01:18Fatih Al Gorey!
01:21Jason Mandzuka!
01:24Matthew Baker!
01:26Rosie Ramsey!
01:29And Stevie Martin!
01:33And next to me, a man who is a lifelong supporter
01:36of Liverpool Football Club,
01:38and tells me that the only downside to that
01:40is meeting the other fans,
01:42who he finds to be universally stupid
01:45and physically disgusting.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:49Thank you, Alex Hall!
01:52Nice to be here.
01:54OK.
01:55Hello, everyone.
01:57I've designed for episode one a brand-new magic trick,
02:00and I know you love magic, Greg.
02:01I love magic.
02:02Well, you're going to love this magic trick.
02:03It's called the magic pen.
02:04It looks like an ordinary pen.
02:06Mm-hm.
02:07But I've signed it using the pen.
02:11How?
02:13I'll tell you how.
02:15Magic.
02:16Magic.
02:18Magic.
02:19Magic pen.
02:20How's it done?
02:22I know you're thinking, maybe I've used a second pen.
02:24Well, look.
02:25Here is another pen.
02:26Also signed.
02:27How?
02:28I'll tell you how.
02:29Magic.
02:30Magic.
02:32Could there be another pen?
02:33Yes, but also signed.
02:36Magic.
02:37Yes.
02:38I know the man well,
02:39and I wouldn't be surprised if there's a fourth pen.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:43Magic.
02:45I don't think you'd go to fifth, though.
02:47I did, actually,
02:48and I couldn't work out how to get it on this one.
02:50Anyway, that's the magic trick.
02:52An auspicious beginning to a new season.
02:55Series, Jason.
03:00I'm with him, you're a guest in this country.
03:03You'll learn our ways by hook or crook, young man.
03:07OK, let's have our first prize task category, please.
03:10OK, and we're starting the series with the object
03:13that reminds you of school the most in a good way.
03:16Mm.
03:17We all know Greg used to be a teacher.
03:18Mm.
03:19We also know Greg has played teachers on TV,
03:21and, as the taskmaster, he's sort of like a head teacher.
03:24So, yes, Greg's got range.
03:26Five points...
03:28I've not got range!
03:30I'm amazed you're in showbiz!
03:34You should be, at most, an assistant bank manager.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39So, five points will be gifted to the bringer of the item Greg likes best,
03:43and the winner of the episode will take home all five prizes
03:46in a great big school satchel.
03:48Peace out, man.
03:49OK, Fatio, welcome to Taskmaster.
03:51What have you brought me?
03:52So, I brought in a golf club.
03:54Here it is.
03:55That reminds her of school the most in a good way.
03:58As a kid, I used to be really naughty, and my mum had enough,
04:01so she came up the school, and she goes to the teacher,
04:03if Fertiha keeps on playing up, hit her, and then he got this thing,
04:08and he put it as if he's going to do a golf move, and then...
04:11And he would hit you with a golf club?
04:12No, he would pretend to.
04:13Are you mad?
04:14Am I mad?
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16Like, he would pretend to, so he'd, like, try to scare me
04:20into being a good girl.
04:21So, the thing that you've brought in that reminds you of school
04:24in a good way is a golf club that your teacher used to
04:27threaten you with.
04:28Yeah, cos I never got hit, so that's a good thing.
04:30Ah!
04:31The glass is half full.
04:34Jason, what thing did you bring in to represent the good times?
04:38Well, this, for me, was something that was ubiquitous
04:40in my high school.
04:42It is a map, but it's the kind of map that was mounted on the
04:45blackboard that you pulled down like this.
04:47Oh, sweet.
04:48Right?
04:49See, I thought you might like that.
04:50Here it is.
04:51Oh, yeah.
04:52Oh, yeah, nice.
04:53I mean, how satisfying is that?
04:54That's nice.
04:55If I could just imagine myself in the world.
04:58So, your childhood imagination just soared?
05:01Just wishing that I could get out and get here onto this stage.
05:05Wow.
05:06It's both heartwarming and tragic.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Who's next?
05:10Oh, I've got some facts about America, if you want.
05:12No, thanks.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15I have brought the TV trolley.
05:19Oh, the TV trolley.
05:21Another blinding move.
05:23Just a sweet nostalgia.
05:25When this bad boy came out, you knew you were in for 45 minutes
05:29of watching a probably late 70s, early 80s old episode
05:34of Equinox.
05:36Yeah.
05:38Science documentary.
05:39And you would ignore the educational content
05:41and you would just be sort of laughing at the fashion.
05:44Well, having been a teacher,
05:46I can give you a bit of a glance behind the magician's curtain here.
05:49Because normally you would see the film or the documentary on a Friday,
05:53and the reason for that is the teachers all went to the pub.
05:55And I'm proud to tell you, I did a five-pint lunch.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01Every Friday?
06:03And it was Guinness too, so I was heavy.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09Thank you, I like your trolley.
06:11I mean, I've got to say, the golf club's looking less and less appealing.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:16Rosie, welcome.
06:19What have you brought in?
06:20I brought me school dinner.
06:21Oh.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23So that's chicken with gravy.
06:25Is it?
06:26LAUGHTER
06:27The TV should not stand up.
06:29What's all the way to the left next to the brown turd?
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33Oh, that's stuffing.
06:34The dessert is on the same thing as the main.
06:36Yeah.
06:37So you could go in your...
06:38That's all right.
06:39It all goes in the same stomach.
06:41That's bold.
06:42This is good.
06:43Stevie, school, good times?
06:45No.
06:46But I found, like, a sort of cultural cachet in my school,
06:50which involves the prize task.
06:52Write cultural cachet down.
06:53Yes.
06:54Is it, hold it down to get the E acute?
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Stay with me.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02It is.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06LAUGHTER
07:09So, scented gel pens.
07:11Oh.
07:12What people would do is draw their name for the person
07:15they were going out with.
07:16Mm.
07:17And then everyone would just walk around smelling the back
07:18of their hand all day.
07:19Yeah.
07:20But the cultural cachet was that my name begins with S,
07:23so I could do the Superman S thing, which was...
07:25Do you know the Superman S thing?
07:27Yeah.
07:28Yes, of course.
07:29OK.
07:30You said that you were in your 70s or something.
07:31I don't know.
07:32They had Superman, didn't they?
07:33No, they didn't.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:36I'm not Victorian.
07:38Sorry.
07:39Sorry, yes, yes.
07:40Five objects there, Greg.
07:42What reminds you of school in the least good way?
07:44Well, obviously, being hit with a golf club.
07:47One point to Fatih.
07:48Well done, we're off the mark.
07:49I guess I have to judge it on the things that made me go,
07:51ah, the most, so I have to give Stevie two points
07:53because gel pens are a little bit new for me.
07:55Two to Stevie.
07:56Three to the school dinner.
07:58OK.
07:59Ah, for no other reason than we need to move on.
08:01OK.
08:02And...
08:03I love the VHS trolley,
08:05but it also slightly reminds me of my own teaching days.
08:08I love the romance of the map.
08:10So, five points to Jason.
08:11There we go.
08:12Well done, Jason Munster, five points.
08:14APPLAUSE
08:16Right, let's get going.
08:18OK.
08:19Well, hands down and heads up
08:21as we kick off proceedings in the lab.
08:24Hello, hello, hello.
08:38Fancy seeing you here.
08:42Jason.
08:43Alex.
08:47Hi.
08:48Excellent entrance.
08:50Is this the lab?
08:59Wait, am I in the wrong room?
09:01This is the lab.
09:02It's the lab, innit?
09:05Bit mad.
09:06I'm going to read this.
09:07Not wasting any time.
09:08Right.
09:09Hello.
09:10Stevie?
09:11Yes.
09:12Did you get lost?
09:13I went to the wrong room.
09:15Let's go.
09:16Put your hands on the hands.
09:20Shut your eyes and keep them shut
09:22until you hear the whistle.
09:24Time to start now.
09:25Put your hands on the hands.
09:26Yes, please.
09:27Oh, I'm scared.
09:29OK.
09:34Are they shot?
09:35Yeah, they shot.
09:36Marvellous.
09:37I can't.
09:39Oi, don't make me look silly, innit?
09:42I wouldn't dream of it.
09:43Wow.
09:45Can I open my eyes now?
09:50Yes, if you've heard the whistle.
09:55Ah!
09:58What?
09:59What is it?
10:01Yeah, that's what I thought.
10:02Two jars of piss.
10:05You've got your glasses on again if you want.
10:08Son of a bitch.
10:10OK, you can read the next part of the task now.
10:11Are you taking a mick?
10:12How am I going to do that?
10:16Oh, I hate this.
10:18Pour all the vinegar into the fish tank.
10:22Fastest wins.
10:23For every millimetre spilled.
10:25One second will be added to your time.
10:27Your time starts when you heard the whistle.
10:29OK.
10:30Alex, where's the fish tank?
10:31Let me guess.
10:32It's underneath me?
10:34Is that a fish tank?
10:35Is this a fish tank?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38APPLAUSE
10:43Good.
10:44Fatia said,
10:45Oi, don't make me look stupid, innit?
10:47And all I've written is,
10:49You have come to the wrong show, my friend.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:54She was furious from the moment we said,
10:56Shut your eyes.
10:57Oh, for goodness.
10:58Yeah.
10:59That's how I am, honestly.
11:00Once I went to the shop and they ran out of the chocolate I wanted
11:02and I called the police.
11:05You reported him because he hadn't kept up to speed with his chocolate supply.
11:08Yeah.
11:09Wow.
11:11Well, we begin with Fatia and Jason.
11:15And Matt.
11:17And Stevie.
11:19And that's it.
11:20Sorry, Rosie.
11:21Here we go.
11:26Laughing doesn't help.
11:29Oh, I can't...
11:33What happens if it's...
11:34It's going to take some time.
11:41And I haven't thought through what happens when I get to the edge.
11:47Your finger's been the wrong way.
11:48Which way up are they?
11:51That's amazing.
11:53Don't start!
11:55Don't start, Ralph.
11:56My assumption is I can...
11:58Whoa.
11:59Now what?
12:01Come on, you.
12:04Why are you laughing, bro?
12:07Okay.
12:21Right.
12:23Now we're cooking.
12:27Perfect.
12:28See you in a minute.
12:31We're going to follow you.
12:32Of course you're going to follow me.
12:35It's all science-y in here.
12:37This season's theme, science.
12:39Oh, God.
12:45It's probably in the shed.
12:47Fish tank, fish tank, fish tank.
12:49Pour the vinegar in the fish tank.
12:51If I don't find it soon, I'm going to drink it!
12:53Okay.
12:54I'm either going to hate you or I'm going to hate myself.
12:56Okay.
12:57Well, I hope it's you in a way.
12:58This is a tank.
13:00No, it's not a tank.
13:01Well, that's a...
13:02It's a submarine.
13:03Hmm.
13:04All right.
13:05Have I lost my mind?
13:10Oh, you're taking the piss, bruv.
13:13What's this?
13:14What's it look like?
13:16You fucking assholes.
13:17Wait.
13:18Oh!
13:19Fish tank!
13:20Oh, fuck.
13:21I just spilled some.
13:22This is popping everywhere.
13:23Oh, okay.
13:24Okay.
13:25I don't like that.
13:26Son of a bitch.
13:28Oh, this is good.
13:29Okay.
13:30All the winning is in the fish tank?
13:31Yes.
13:32Yeah, it is.
13:33Oh, it's 12 o'clock.
13:34Done.
13:35Woo!
13:36That was exciting.
13:37Yeah, for you, you're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?
13:38Have I gone past it and just not seen it?
13:39I genuinely don't know.
13:40I can't imagine so.
13:41You genuinely don't know.
13:42I think it's the one that's all mine.
13:43I didn't look at it, and I don't know what I'm saying.
13:44As you see, there's nothing.
13:45Oh, you're still not the one that smells like a chip shop now.
13:46You're not the one that smells like a chip shop.
13:47Oh!
13:48All the winning is in the fish tank.
13:49All the winning is in the fish tank.
13:50Yes, yes, yes.
13:51There is.
13:52I've still the clock.
13:53Done.
13:54Whoo!
13:55That was exciting!
13:56Yeah, for you.
13:57You're not the one that smells like a chip shop now, innit?
14:00Have I gone past it and just not seen it? I genuinely don't know I can't imagine so you genuinely don't know
14:08Bullshit
14:13He's doing laps now
14:17I'm back in here
14:23Fuck off
14:25Hey Matthew he's on the fish tank. Yeah down the fish tank. Do you remember I said I'd either hate myself or you? Yeah
14:34It's you
14:44It seems that we have a very angry cohort already this year Matthew run around a garden
14:51When you were just running around the garden looking for a fish tank
14:55And then when you did find it you were very angry. Yes. What were you angry at the pun?
15:01Yeah
15:03I think that's what we all got
15:05I think we're fairly angry
15:07I mean it was irritating
15:10Stevie I was quite fascinated by you suddenly shouting if you didn't find the tank soon you were going to drink the liquid
15:16It's not she is in the early part you'd identified it as piss
15:22It's quite dehydrating the process and also as well and I just completely ignored the two jar lids
15:28It messes with your brain doesn't it? Yeah
15:30You learn this is the stuff that he loves. Yeah
15:32I think it's at home when
15:33going
15:38I can tell you that so far the person who's doing the best in the task is Stevie you did 7 minutes 42 and you didn't spill anything
15:45Matt didn't spill anything either took 12 minutes three seconds looked worse than that
15:49But because of the lack of spillage you were fine Jason you were much quicker, but your milliliters or spiller liters you could call them spill-a-liters
15:58Tipped you over to 17 minutes 29. I'm so sorry because I was penalized for spilling penalized and fati-a
16:0610 minutes 12, but we're not gonna find out how Rosie's done till after the break. Oh, that builds the tension. It must be really shit
16:13Go on then off you pop. I said it's break time go
16:31Our first task is underway and the new contestants have been trying to pour all of their vinegar into a fish tank a fish tank
16:38Which turned out to be a tank driven by a fish. It's clever. It's funny and it winds Greg up tick tick tick
16:46Every millilitre spilt one second will be added to their time
16:49Rosie has watched all of her rivals attempts and now she has to watch herself back knowing what's happened before her. So good luck, Rosie
16:56I'm gonna go in here. Okay, fish tank
17:13How's it going Rosie and it's I know I haven't found anything yet. This is a bath
17:20That's a good last not fish tank. I don't think I've not seen a fish tank anyway
17:26No
17:28No, I'm just looking for a fish tank anything could be a fish tank really couldn't it okay
17:40Is that a fish tank or a jar it's a jar isn't it
17:49Do you want me to stop the clock Rosie?
17:51I mean should I disqualify you or not no what?
18:05Do you want to tell you the definition of a fish tank? I do want you to tell me where's the tank driven by a fish?
18:08or a
18:12Transparent container of water in which live fish and other water creatures and plants are kept
18:17I thought outside the box
18:19She did think outside the box
18:21I did think outside the box
18:22Well shall I tell you the times and you can decide what to do?
18:24Stevie was the quickest with 7.42 then Fatia 10 minutes Matt 12 minutes Rosie was 15 and a half minutes
18:30Okay, didn't spill a drop Jason because of his spillage was 17 minutes 29
18:34If it had been a normal fish tank then I would be penalizing Rosie, but because it was a stupid play on words
18:40I'm going to allow her fish tank
18:47So you're saying that Jason comes last one point two points to Rosie three to Matt four to Fatia, but Stevie gets the full five points
18:53Very nice
18:58Let's have our first scoreboard, please
19:00Joint leaders with seven points are Matt and Stevie
19:08What's next my cylindrical little piglet?
19:12Don't mind that
19:13Backwards and forwards thing cool are doing involves tasks next this Greg. Well, oh god
19:23You look very cool. I know
19:35You look nice. I look
19:38Cool
19:41Cool guy
19:43Thank you
19:45If you could use one word to describe me, what would it be?
19:47Ridiculous
19:48Oh
19:51Not what I was hoping for
19:53Do something really cool
19:55You have a maximum of 10 minutes
19:57Your time starts now
20:03Is there a bed?
20:04Cool is sort of not caring
20:07Yeah, I don't care
20:09Or is it actually cool to be passionate?
20:12Now, super quick question. Can I get on the roof?
20:14I would say you definitely can't do that
20:19Really? I can't go out into traffic
20:21No
20:23Can't get on the roof, can't go on the road
20:25You know what? Comedy thrives on yes and not no but
20:30It wasn't even no but, it was you definitely can't
20:32Oh, that's anti-cool
20:34Okay
20:36What cool things can you do?
20:38Let's think of cool things I can't do
20:40Right
20:41And then we try to find something that I can do
20:43What's cool?
20:44What is cool?
20:46Lemonade?
20:48Yeah, lemonade is cool
20:50What do you do that's cool?
20:51Sometimes spit
20:53What? Yuck
20:57I'm going to go and get a guitar
21:00It's time horn
21:01Yeah, happy with that?
21:03Yeah, see you later mate, move
21:05Oh, actually you're not sitting down, I'm so sorry
21:07It's actually rude rather than cool
21:09I know
21:11Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, there is one more thing
21:13Great
21:15Do your cool thing backwards
21:17The cool thing backwards played backwards
21:18That looks most like the forwards cool thing played forwards wins
21:20Oh
21:22You have 15 minutes, your time starts now
21:25Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm looking forward to Matthew playing a song backwards
21:28Well, we're going to start with Martin Stevie doing something cool backwards
21:43Well, we're going to start with Martin Stevie doing something cool backwards
21:47It's time horn
21:58BUZZER
22:00BUZZER
22:02BUZZER
22:04Yes, I'm drawing
22:08BUZZER
22:11APPLAUSE
22:13APPLAUSE
22:17So that was the footage reversed, obviously. Oh, was it? Yes.
22:22Stevie, I'm not one for platitudes.
22:23It might be the single coolest thing I've ever seen.
22:26I enjoyed the addition of the little man popping out of the bin.
22:32I've got no notes. Fine.
22:34It will go downhill, right? Well, there's Matt playing guitar next.
22:37Here we go.
22:38LAUGHTER
22:41I'm Matthew Bainson, and this is Cool.
22:47Don't let the bad kids get you down
22:50Turn that big frown upside down
22:53You'd be a fool
22:56If you thought that not caring was cool
23:03Yeah, Matthew Bainson
23:05And this is...
23:07Bül
23:08LAUGHTER
23:09LAUGHTER
23:10You'd be a fool
23:11If you thought that not caring was cool
23:15You'd be a fool
23:16You'd be a fool
23:18If you thought that not caring was cool
23:24You'd be a fool
23:25You'd be a fool
23:26If you thought that not caring was cool
23:27LAUGHTER
23:28APPLAUSE
23:29You'd be a fool
23:30You'd be a fool
23:31You'd be a fool
23:32If you thought that not caring was cool
23:40LAUGHTER
23:41APPLAUSE
23:42I mean, I thought you were this generation's Morrissey before I even saw it reversed
23:57Quite Eurovision, isn't it? Sort of 70s Eurovision
24:00It straddles the genres
24:01It does!
24:02Yeah
24:03I mean, if this is the last thing you achieve in your life, you've done well
24:07I think it's powerful
24:09Thank you
24:10Can I get a rewind?
24:11You can, because it's time for Rosie Ramsey
24:14Can you give me a six-six beat?
24:16OK
24:17Broom
24:18Broom
24:19Broom
24:20Broom
24:21Broom
24:22Broom
24:23Broom
24:24Broom
24:25Broom
24:26Broom
24:27Broom
24:28Broom
24:29Broom
24:30Broom
24:31Broom
24:32Broom
24:33Broom
24:34Broom
24:35Broom
24:36Broom
24:37Broom
24:38Broom
24:39Broom
24:40Broom
24:41Broom
24:42Broom
24:43Broom
24:44Broom
24:45Broom
24:46Broom
24:47Broom
24:48Broom
24:49Broom
24:50Broom
24:51Broom
24:52Broom
24:53Broom
24:54Broom
24:55Broom
24:56Broom
24:57Broom
24:58Broom
24:59Broom
25:00Broom
25:01Broom
25:02Broom
25:03Broom
25:04Broom
25:05APPLAUSE
25:07I've got kids.
25:09I felt like we were watching CCTV from a secure unit.
25:17Really bad.
25:22And now, as I always say, partway through Alex and my playful wrestling sessions,
25:26it's time for a break.
25:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:35Hello. Welcome back to the third part of the show
25:40where our cool new contestants have to be cool
25:43and then do that cool thing backwards.
25:45Oh, yeah, this guy knows his shiz.
25:47Next up, good luck guessing what's happening here, Greg.
25:50It's Fatia's attempt.
25:54So, is this in...
25:56..my arms is here.
25:58Wish me, yeah, well, that's it.
26:00You know what I'm saying?
26:02I don't care.
26:03Hey.
26:04I don't care.
26:05.
26:09.
26:13I'm not allowed.
26:14.
26:17.
26:18.
26:23.
26:25BUZZER
26:27BUZZER
26:29BUZZER
26:31What the fuck's going up?
26:33LAUGHTER
26:35Do you want to see it going forward? Well, I need to,
26:37cos at the moment I just feel angry.
26:39LAUGHTER
26:41OK, well, this is a cool thing she did forwards,
26:43then let's see if you understand it after that.
26:45If we get some sweets,
26:47and then you eat one,
26:49and I can tell which one it is, by the way,
26:51you're chewing.
26:53For real, man, for real,
26:55I'm not even playing with you. Well, that's quite cool.
26:57I'm so good at that game.
26:59Yeah, let go.
27:05It's in.
27:07Right, start chewing it.
27:13Is it this?
27:15LAUGHTER
27:17Is it this?
27:19Is it this?
27:21It's not going to plan.
27:33I only had seven goes,
27:35and I got it on the eighth. Wow. Pleased?
27:37Yeah. If we were holding hands, I would have got it on the first one.
27:39APPLAUSE
27:47OK, Tatsy, what's going on here?
27:49Because that's not a known game.
27:51It is. Me and my friend play it all the time,
27:53and I always win.
27:54Oh, play?
27:55Yeah.
27:56Well, present tense.
27:57Only with him, cos you have to have a connection.
27:59Do you know why it didn't work?
28:01Because Muppet Features over there had glasses on.
28:03Oh.
28:04It was Alex's one.
28:05It was.
28:06Why didn't you tell me to take the glasses off?
28:08Because I thought...
28:09LAUGHTER
28:10SHUT UP!
28:11Who buys the sweet soup?
28:12Any of us.
28:13That's what I mean.
28:14If he doesn't bring them, do you call the police on him?
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16OK, one left to see, Greg.
28:17Yeah.
28:18It's Jason Mandzukum.
28:19LOCKED DOOR
28:30LOCKED DOOR
28:34LOCKED DOOR
28:47LOCKED DOOR
28:49Lockpick set.
29:01You've got 30 seconds.
29:06Lockpick set.
29:19Cool! Luke!
29:39Huh? Pretty cool, right?
29:41It was pretty cool.
29:43Yeah! I mean, what am I, Magnum PI?
29:45Where's that come from?
29:47My bag.
29:49APPLAUSE
29:54Undeniably impressive.
29:56I've been sidetracked, though, by when you were asked
29:58where you got the lockpicking set.
30:00Yes.
30:01You replied, from my bag.
30:02Correct.
30:03OK.
30:04Who are you?
30:06Well, you might have also heard me say, who am I, Magnum PI?
30:09Because that is where I learned those skills.
30:12And I became obsessed with picking locks, so I bought a lockpick set.
30:15OK.
30:16And you can also buy practice locks that you can practice.
30:18Don't use this tone, I'm the fool, here.
30:22Listen up, dummy!
30:24Yes, and if you're wondering, the lockpick set is in my dressing room
30:27right now.
30:28Who do you let on this show, bruv?
30:30It says fucking guess the sweets.
30:33LAUGHTER
30:35Well, who's only going to get one point, then?
30:39Well, Fattier.
30:40Correct.
30:41One!
30:42LAUGHTER
30:43I feel like I've dissed Rosie really badly, but it's probably the least accurate.
30:48Two points for Rosie.
30:49Oh, God, everybody else was pretty good.
30:51God!
30:52Maybe Jason gets three.
30:53I'm going to make a rogue decision and say that because I think that he moved the hearts
30:57of the nation with his beautiful son.
30:59LAUGHTER
31:00Matthew, the five points, and...
31:01APPLAUSE
31:02There we go.
31:03Four to three to five for Matthew.
31:04Incredible.
31:05Sharing is cool.
31:06APPLAUSE
31:07I'd like another task, please.
31:10Little Alex Head.
31:11OK, yes.
31:12And roll up, roll up.
31:13No, I don't mean reefers, Greg.
31:15I mean it's time...
31:16LAUGHTER
31:17..for the greatest sporting event of all time.
31:21MUSIC PLAYS
31:39Well...
31:41What have you been?
31:42Just been for a little hike around the forest, clearly.
31:44Mm.
31:45LAUGHTER
31:46Should we do it?
31:47By we, I mean me, and...
31:50you just...
31:51stand around.
31:53LAUGHTER
31:55Win the Peely-lympics.
31:57Win...
31:58the Peely-impics.
32:00Peely-impics.
32:01Well...
32:02P-E-A-L-Y...
32:04Peely.
32:05M-P-I-C-S.
32:07Peely-impics.
32:08Peely-impics.
32:09Peely-impics.
32:10There are five events.
32:12The top two performers in each event get a medal.
32:15Most medals wins.
32:18Mm-hm.
32:19So it doesn't matter if you come first or second, as long as you come first or second.
32:22All right.
32:23Yeah?
32:24Yeah.
32:25Do I have a choice?
32:27LAUGHTER
32:28Yeah, exactly.
32:29APPLAUSE
32:30OK.
32:31Straight in.
32:32Straight in.
32:33Well, first up, it is Fatia and Mattia.
32:38Five events.
32:39This is event number one.
32:40Work out which pillow the pea is under.
32:41In the fewest guesses.
32:42You have three minutes.
32:43Well, it could be any of them, couldn't it?
32:44Could be.
32:45I think it's that yellow one.
32:46Right.
32:47Chop, chop.
32:48Not under there.
32:49The green one next to it, please.
32:50Right.
32:51No.
32:52The order of colours changes around here.
32:53Oh, that's interesting.
32:54Is that arbitrary?
32:55Either is or isn't.
32:56How many are there?
32:5726.
32:58Nice number.
32:59Whatever.
33:00I don't think that makes a difference.
33:0120 seconds to find the pea.
33:02That green one over there.
33:03No.
33:04No.
33:05No.
33:06No.
33:07No.
33:08No.
33:09No.
33:10No.
33:11No.
33:12No.
33:13No.
33:14No.
33:15No.
33:16No.
33:17No.
33:18No.
33:19No.
33:20That green one over there.
33:21No.
33:22Two seconds.
33:26Nice sound of the pea.
33:27Well, that was a waste of time.
33:28Yep.
33:29I agree.
33:30Ready for the second event.
33:31Wow.
33:32I don't mind going back to your spot.
33:33If you don't mind, I'd like to just dwell on the regret.
33:36Yep.
33:37No, it's fine.
33:38Balance your pea on the highest tower of carrots.
33:41You have three minutes.
33:42I don't have the pea.
33:43I'm going to get you the pea.
33:44Here we go.
33:45Oh, you're out of order.
33:47I'm taking a reminder here.
33:48I think it counts, doesn't it?
33:5212 seconds left.
33:58Not long now.
33:59Two seconds, really.
34:01Fuck off!
34:02No!
34:05Event number two is over.
34:09It's a lovely tower.
34:11No pea.
34:12Right.
34:13Event number three.
34:14OK.
34:15Catch a pea fired from the pea catapult.
34:18If you catch a pea in one hand, your time is divided by two.
34:22If you catch a pea in your mouth, your time is divided by five.
34:26Good luck, Matthew.
34:28Here they come.
34:30Literally can't see it.
34:33Couldn't see it.
34:34Quick.
34:35I can't even see it.
34:36I can't see it.
34:41Can you do more than one?
34:42Yeah.
34:47Do it again?
34:49What?
35:03Why couldn't you get, like the big bees?
35:06The haricot or whatever they're called?
35:07Why you get these?
35:08Who's catching these?
35:09I'm not a bird.
35:11If he gets in my hijab, does that count? Yeah, I count. I've got loads. Oh, this is the last one, please
35:24Is there a pee in your hand
35:29That's the end of event number three
35:33Throw a pee the furthest towards the river, please so into the wind. Yeah
35:38It must be in that direction. Yeah, I know you're deranged right so I know I'm gonna throw this and then you're gonna make me go and get it
35:53Few practices
35:57Are you gonna actually throw the yeah, I'm gonna throw the real one now 10 seconds
36:08I
36:10Find your throne pee the fastest love a maximum of three minutes time stuff see when you open the top be careful
36:18Why did I do practices?
36:20There's my pee can see it. That was my one. I'm funny. Yeah, I did
36:25That's it. You got two minutes ten
36:31You're gonna be finding peas not carrots
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