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00:00I married Joan
00:07What a girl, what a world, what a life
00:11Oh, I married Joan
00:15What a mind, love is blind, what a wife
00:18Being gay all day she keeps my heart laughing
00:23Never know where her brain has grown
00:27To each his own
00:30Can he not ask why I married Joan
00:34The Joan Davis Show
00:36I Married Joan
00:38America's favorite comedy show
00:41Starring America's queen of comedy
00:44Joan Davis
00:46As Mrs. Joan Stevens
00:48And featuring
00:56Jim Backus
00:57As Judge Bradley Stevens
01:00I Married Joan
01:09Joanie, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:22Da-da-dum, da-da-da-da-dum
01:24Ah, good morning, you wonderful, wonderful guy, you
01:30Joanie, do you have to be so cheerful?
01:33Oh, how can I help it?
01:35Being married to sweet, darling, wonderful you
01:37Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah
01:39Well, that takes care of my shower this morning
01:42Oh, breakfast in bed
01:47What did I do to deserve this?
01:49You married me
01:50Huh?
01:52Yes, this morning I suddenly realized how glad I am that you're my husband
01:56After all this time, it just occurred to you this morning
01:59Oh, no, darling
02:01Oh, honey, this morning, honey
02:03Oh, honey, that's a good shootout
02:05No, honey, I've been glad all the time, dear
02:11But this morning, well, I got up very early this morning
02:15I guess I'm excited about the reunion I'm having
02:18With all those old high school girlfriends of mine
02:20Just think I haven't seen them for 15 years
02:23Well, anyway, as I was saying, I got up very early
02:26And, well, I was thinking
02:28Would I be as excited about seeing the girls
02:30If I couldn't tell them that I was married to a judge?
02:34Oh, no, I, uh, I see
02:37I want the girls just turned green with envy
02:40When they hear that I'm married to a judge
02:42Well, honey, uh, maybe some of the other girls married well, too
02:48Maybe, but to a judge
02:50Yes, I guess you're right
02:52You know, judges don't grow on trees
02:54Oh, no, no, let me do that for you, judge
02:58Oh, love her
02:59Well, it isn't every girl who's lucky enough to land a judge
03:05Especially, well, take Minnie, for instance
03:09She was the flighty one of the bunch
03:11Uh, what were you of the bunch?
03:14Me?
03:14Oh, I was the normal one
03:16Oh, yes, darling
03:19I'm just going to be eternally grateful to you
03:22For all the wonderful
03:23Surely, I can't, you know
03:24Sorry
03:25But when I walk into that old classroom
03:28And meet all the girls
03:29Oh, I'm proud, dear
03:31Believe me
03:32Joan, Joan, that I'm right
03:34Oh, I'm sorry
03:36I've had my breakfast
03:37What am I?
03:38Just excited, I guess
03:40Oh, thank you
03:43Thank you for marrying me
03:45You sweet, wonderful
03:46Honka judge, you
03:48Nimo
03:48Ooh, baby
03:50Ooh, baby
03:57Ooh
03:58La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
04:28Joni, you're going to be a dummy all your life.
04:39Joni! Gloria!
04:41Oh, my ever gladest.
04:44I thought this would work out.
04:45Guess what happened to me?
04:46I'm married to a judge.
04:48You never win a judge, Bradley James.
04:50He's awfully young to be a judge.
04:52Let me take a look at you.
04:56You haven't changed the bit.
04:58Right over here, I want to hear all about you.
05:01What you've been doing, how you've been doing.
05:03I want to hear every little detail.
05:05You know how I always love sports.
05:06Did you ever hear of Judge Bradley J. Stevens?
05:09Huh?
05:10Well, the man I married happens to be a...
05:12Girls!
05:14Minnie!
05:15Oh, is this wonderful!
05:17You know, I've been thinking about this by all the time.
05:19I made up my mind.
05:21I'm married to a judge.
05:22I said, I wish I'd be a judge, Bradley James.
05:24I know.
05:26Lord, you.
05:27Let me take a look at you.
05:31You haven't changed the bit.
05:34Now, as I was telling Gloria, the man I'm married to happens to be a judge.
05:38Oh, my God!
05:38Oh, my God!
05:40I've been looking for a lot of fun.
05:43I never thought it would work out.
05:45Whenever I make a plan like that, it never works out.
05:47John Bradley James, I want to tell you, I'm looking forward to the judges that you...
05:51Let me take a look at you.
05:54You haven't changed a bit.
05:58Well, let's all sit down, Charlie.
05:59I was always for happy to get all the time.
06:01I made my mind up that when we meet at you, we're just down in the room.
06:05Girls, girls, girls.
06:06And now, as I was saying, the man that I'm married to...
06:09Oh, you're married, Joanie.
06:10Yes, I am.
06:11Oh, that's wonderful.
06:12How about you, Minnie?
06:12You married?
06:12No, I never found the time.
06:14Me either.
06:15What about you, Gloria?
06:16No, too busy.
06:17You know, I'm just saying that.
06:18And you travel around.
06:19When you're traveling, you're...
06:20When I was in England, I...
06:22For a moment, I...
06:23No, no, no.
06:25She came...
06:25But you know, it's all right.
06:26I don't mind.
06:28Well, that's why aren't you.
06:29I'm just going to be careful with something and everything.
06:31Girls!
06:31Mrs. Forkner.
06:32What does this say?
06:33Judge.
06:34Judge.
06:34Very good.
06:36Now, speaking of judges, the man that I'm married to happens to be...
06:40Congratulations.
06:40Well, thank you, Minnie.
06:42I really think I'm very fortunate myself.
06:45It was wonderful.
06:46It was so good.
06:47Congratulations, Gloria.
06:49For what?
06:50You mean, you didn't read that Babe Jones was the first person ever to swim across the Bay of Biscay?
06:55Well, of course.
06:56The papers were full of it.
06:57But what's that got to do with Glo...
06:59Glo...
06:59Glory?
07:00You are Babe Jones?
07:03What?
07:04You look so different in the pictures with the goggles on and everything.
07:07I didn't recognize...
07:09Oh, my goodness.
07:10Then you're also the National Singles and Doubles Women's Tennis Champion?
07:16Well, what have you been doing, Minnie?
07:18Oh, you know me, Joanie.
07:19Still fooling around with cosmetics.
07:21Oh, fooling around, huh?
07:23Joanie, do you happen to have a lipstick?
07:26Oh, sure.
07:28Oh, Madame Minette, eh?
07:31Well, of course.
07:32It's the best.
07:33I wouldn't use anything else.
07:34Atta girl.
07:35Joanie, may I present to you...
07:37Madame Minette.
07:39How do you do...
07:40Madame Minette?
07:43But your name is Minnie.
07:44Well, who'd buy a lipstick called Madame Minnie?
07:51Well, what have you been doing, Marsha?
07:54Oh, working for the government.
07:55Civil service, huh?
07:57Hmm, you might call it that.
07:58Oh, that's nice.
08:00And you're not married, huh?
08:01No.
08:02Well, did I tell you, girls, who I married?
08:05No.
08:06No, we tell us.
08:07Jody, what does he do?
08:08Well, girls, the man I'm married to happens to be a...
08:12Come in.
08:16Dr. Bronson?
08:18No, there's no Dr. Bronson here.
08:20It's just us girls.
08:22I'm Dr. Bronson, General.
08:23Oh, pardon me.
08:27They told me at your hotel that you'd be here.
08:29The president desires to communicate with you.
08:31President?
08:32What president?
08:33Oh, I'm sorry.
08:34He said he wouldn't need me when I called the White House today.
08:37That president?
08:38I know, but something urgent has come up, and he needs your advice.
08:41Come in.
08:47Tell the president that I advise against it.
09:16Yes, doctor?
09:17And I'll put a call through to him as soon as I get back to my hotel.
09:20Very good, doctor.
09:22Good day, ladies.
09:28You're that Dr. Bronson of the State Department?
09:31Well, I had a doctor's degree in political science,
09:34so I used the title to appear more anonymous.
09:36But you're practically their best diplomatic troubleshooter.
09:39They're ambassador with our portfolio.
09:42Well, tell us what you've been doing, Johnny.
09:44Yes, with your pep and ability, you must have really made a name for yourself.
09:49Well, I'm president of the board of, um...
09:53I'm chairman of the bureau of, um...
09:55I'm head of the department of...
09:58I make great meatballs!
10:02What about an identity of my own?
10:04What on earth are you talking about?
10:07I'm talking about me, Bradley Stevens.
10:09That's what I'm talking about.
10:11I don't know what's going on, but, Joan, calm down.
10:14You're all upset!
10:16Don't you touch me!
10:18Not after the nasty thing you did to me!
10:21The nasty thing?
10:22What did I do?
10:23You married me!
10:26That was the nasty thing?
10:28Show me.
10:30And you said you hated me.
10:31Oh, well, I didn't really mean it that way, honey.
10:35You know I love you, even though I hate you.
10:38But, gosh, Brad, you can't blame me.
10:41If it weren't for marrying you, I might have been a somebody, too.
10:44Like some certain other women that I know.
10:47Some certain other women?
10:49Oh, you mean your three high school friends?
10:51Yeah.
10:52They made a mark in the world because, well, they weren't rushed into marriage.
10:57Look, honey, you come over here and sit on old Brad's lap and we'll talk this over.
11:03Well, if I had had half the chance, I could have done just as well as those other girls.
11:08I was just as smart in school as they were.
11:11Oh, now, Joanie.
11:12Well, I was, too.
11:14Now, you take Minnie Schultz, for instance.
11:16If it hadn't been for me, she would have gotten the lowest mark in algebra class.
11:20You helped her?
11:21Yes.
11:22I got the lowest mark.
11:25Jo.
11:26You know, Brad, I know that I could have been a big executive like Minnie.
11:29I just know it.
11:32Well, this is one problem you're going to have to solve yourself.
11:36Yes, dear.
11:42Sure.
11:43If I hadn't been rushed into marriage, I could have been as big a businesswoman as Minnie Schultz.
11:49Madam Manette.
11:51I could have been Lady Joan.
11:55Imagine me, head of the largest cosmetic firm in the world, sitting in my office.
12:00The largest office in the world.
12:02What power I'd have.
12:04The whole country at my feet.
12:05The largest feet in the world.
12:19Yes, this is Lady Joan, sole owner of Lady Joan Cosmetics.
12:23Oh, hiya, Prez.
12:28What?
12:29The U.S. Treasury is a little low and you're worried about the budget?
12:33Two billion be enough?
12:35Glad to do it.
12:37Glad.
12:37Oh, by the way, one little formality.
12:41What are you putting up for collateral?
12:44Oh, I see.
12:45You'll put up Texas.
12:47But I'm sorry.
12:49I'm already holding Texas for what the last boy borrowed.
12:52Yes, Brewster?
12:58The staff is waiting outside for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Joan.
13:02Fine.
13:03Send them in.
13:04Oh, wait.
13:05Light me.
13:15Real cool.
13:17Oh, Lady Joan.
13:19How can you treat me like this?
13:20After what we've been to each other.
13:22Please, Brewster.
13:22We're about to have a business conference.
13:25Business, business.
13:26Is that all you care about?
13:27All I care about is you.
13:29I love you.
13:30Hopelessly, madly, insanely.
13:32I love you.
13:32Do you hear I love you?
13:35Well, don't you have anything to say?
13:37Yes, what else is new?
13:40Look at you.
13:42So cool.
13:43So cruel.
13:44So sure of yourself.
13:46The only way you can let yourself go enough to accept a man, to accept marriage.
13:49Oh, silly boy.
13:52I'm a big power in business.
13:55A tycoonist.
13:57I'm not a foolish, emotional girl who wants to cook and scrub away her life for a man and wind up in nothing.
14:03But, Lady Joan, I can't go on living like this.
14:11Please, Brewster, one more outburst like that, and I shall remove you as vice president and put you back to your old job.
14:19Eyebrow plucker, third class.
14:21Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
14:34Uh, staff, I am happy to announce that Lady Joan Cosmetics is now the biggest single business in the entire world.
14:45And I am the biggest single business executive.
14:48And why?
14:50Because I'm single.
14:52Oh, Ashley.
14:55What?
14:56Joan, what about this shirt?
14:58You know how I hate starch in the collar.
14:59Haven't you any consideration for your husband's wishes?
15:02Husband?
15:03Starch?
15:04Shirts?
15:05Why, there must be some mistake.
15:06I'm Lady Joan.
15:07I don't have to worry about husbands and washing shirts and...
15:12Brewster, throw this bounder out of here.
15:18Staff, remove this fellow.
15:26Oh, Brad.
15:31What about the starch in his shirt?
15:33All right, I'll take care of it.
15:37I'll take care of it.
15:50Or I could have been a great athlete like Gloria.
15:54Sure.
15:55I used to be as good a swimmer as she was.
15:58Babe Jones.
15:59With the proper breaks, I could have been Babe Stevens.
16:05Why not?
16:10Keep it up, Babe.
16:11You're doing great.
16:13This is getting pretty monotonous.
16:15I know.
16:16I know, Babe.
16:17Here, have some hot soup.
16:18Here.
16:29How much fiber?
16:38You've been in the water for four days.
16:40You passed the Queen Mary this morning.
16:42You should dock in Liverpool tomorrow about three.
16:53Joan, what in the world are you doing?
16:55This salad dressing tastes terrible and the dinner isn't half ready.
16:58Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
17:03Oh, Brad, no!
17:08Joanie, I tasted the salad dressing.
17:10It's terrible.
17:11It's flat.
17:13Well, it just needs a little salt.
17:19Look, honey, if you want to feel bad about your life all of a sudden, that's your privilege.
17:23Have some consideration for my feelings.
17:26Try and be a little diplomatic.
17:27Be a little diplomatic, huh?
17:33Like Marsha Bronson, I suppose.
17:36Diplomatic.
17:37People used to like me much more than Marsha.
17:40Dr. Bronson.
17:43Gosh.
17:44Diplomats.
17:45They're all over the place.
17:46London.
17:47Vienna.
17:48Paris.
17:48Dr. Joan Stevens.
17:50Dr. Joan Stevens.
17:51Dr. Stevens.
17:52Dr. Stevens.
17:52Right?
17:53I'm Bronson.
17:55Glad to meet you, Bronson.
17:56I'm so relieved they've sent you, Doctor.
17:58The situation here has become much too difficult for me to handle.
18:01The President of France is waiting to see you.
18:03Lead on, Bronson.
18:04Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
18:08Oh, Monsieur President, may I present Mademoiselle Stevens?
18:11My country's greetings, President, and felicitations from my president.
18:18But I can't waste time. I am here on a special diplomatic mission.
18:24But of course, whenever the great John Stevens, without Portfolio 1M, arrives anywhere in the world,
18:31history is in the making. I am honored.
18:34Naturally.
18:36Now, I feel that an international power shift is in the making.
18:42If Sinaloa moves upon Bezarabia, and Bezarabia moves upon Indorasia,
18:47and Indorasia moves upon Pakistania, and Pakistania moves upon Ira Basque,
18:53serious repercussions will follow that may be felt in Pasadena.
18:58As serious as that, mademoiselle?
19:00As serious as that.
19:01If you say so.
19:02I say so.
19:03Then it must be so.
19:04Naturally.
19:05And at the same time, due to pressures from these outer fringes, and a power squeeze in the middle,
19:13France may well become the Pope.
19:16Good heavens, what must France do?
19:18There is only one thing France can do.
19:21What is that?
19:22Squeeze back.
19:24If you say so.
19:25I say so.
19:26Then it must be so.
19:28Naturally.
19:29Dr. Stevens, a special courier has just arrived with new orders.
19:33Joan!
19:34Joan!
19:35Joan!
19:36You are a special courier with new orders?
19:37And your orders are to come home.
19:39The salad dressing is okay, but what about the rest of the dinner?
19:42I'm in Paris!
19:46Oh, Brad!
19:47That did it.
20:00It's no use, Brad.
20:01I love you too much, not to be honest with you.
20:03Forgive me, but I never should have gotten married.
20:06Well, honey, I love you too much to stand in the way of your happiness.
20:09So you go out and make your mark in the world, and after you're famous, you come back to me.
20:14But before you start out on your new venture, you have to be a good little housewife for one more night and fix a nice dinner.
20:21We're having company.
20:22Company?
20:23Yes, Minnie called.
20:24She and the girls practically invited themselves over for dinner.
20:26Oh!
20:27Well, I'm glad they're coming.
20:28They can give me some good advice and start me off.
20:33My last night as a housewife!
20:36Of course, where the line between right and wrong is not carefully drawn, then a person like myself, sitting in judgment upon others, must do a lot of soul searching.
20:44A judge must be free of pressure.
20:47Well, girls, I'm turning in my apron for good.
20:50Shhh!
20:53Girls, you don't understand.
20:57Brad has released me.
20:58I can now concentrate on making my mark in the world.
21:02No more drudgery for me.
21:04You talk about drudgery.
21:05What do you think I'm up against?
21:07Laboratory breakdowns, advertising budgets, sales meetings, buyers, competitors.
21:11Stabbing you in the back.
21:12At least you get to stay home.
21:13I'm always on the move.
21:14No place to hang my hat.
21:15Protest marches, pickets, sabotage.
21:16On your guard, watch yourself.
21:17Drudgery.
21:18You should talk.
21:19Up every morning at 5 a.m.
21:20Do your road work for two hours.
21:21Breakfast.
21:22One lean lamb chop.
21:24Every day the same thing.
21:25Every day the same lamb chop.
21:26What are you girls complaining about?
21:27I'm not going to be a good one.
21:28I'm not going to be a good one.
21:29I'm not going to be a good one.
21:30I'm not going to be a good one.
21:31I'm not going to be a good one.
21:32I'm not going to be a good one.
21:33I'm not going to be a good one.
21:34One lean lamb chop.
21:36Every day the same thing.
21:37Every day the same lamb chop.
21:39What are you girls complaining about?
21:41Well, what is it that you girls really want?
21:44A man to take care of me.
21:47One for me too.
21:49Me too.
21:54What am I crying about?
21:57I've got a man.
21:59Have you, Johnny?
22:00Don't you remember you set me free today?
22:02me free today. Oh, that's right. She did. She certainly did. Judge, perhaps lunch tomorrow?
22:10Judge, what about dinner? Save supper time for me. I'll meet you any place you say. I'll be there, too.
22:16Hold it. Now, you girls, cut that out. But, Joni, lover, I thought you first wanted to make your
22:28mark. I do. And here it is. On you. I want to thank you, girls, for coming when I called.
22:45And, uh, incidentally, you did a wonderful job of acting. Who was acting? Speak for me.
22:52You're a doll, Brad. Joan doesn't know what a lucky girl she is. Who doesn't?
23:04All right, dear. Good night. Goodbye, girls. See you 15 years from now. It's been swell.
23:11All right. Get in there. You were enjoying that, Brad.
23:14I'm married Joan. What a girl, what a world, what a life. Oh, I'm married Joan. What a mind,
23:27love is blind, what a wife. Do-do-do-do. Vivian Gay, all day she keeps my heart laughing.
23:32Never know where her brain has gone. To each his own. Can't deny that's why I married Joan.
23:41to each his own. Can't deny that's why I married Joan.
23:54To each his own. Can't deny that's why I married Joan.