The Mel Blanc Show was a radio situation comedy in the United States. It was broadcast on CBS from September 3, 1946 to June 24, 1947.
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00:00The Mal Blank Show
00:30What's up, Doc?
00:34Yes, go get a tooth powder for a breath that's sweet and teeth that sparkle
00:37brings you The Mal Blank Show
00:38with Mal playing his new character, Zookie.
00:40Hello, Rvi, B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-
01:10999 people had a great time.
01:13Only one person had a miserable day.
01:16And who was that one person?
01:17You guessed it.
01:18Mel Blanc.
01:19It all started with the annual Easter egg hunt in Mel Blanc's little town.
01:23It seems that the local merchants offered cash prizes to anyone who found an egg with their ad written on it.
01:29And Mel Blanc was...
01:30Well, let's start at the beginning.
01:32It was just an ordinary day, and young couples were discussing the weather.
01:36In the park, a couple was saying...
01:38Oh, Dave, it's two weeks past spring.
01:41Yes, and it's about time I gave you a kiss.
01:44And in another part of town could be heard...
01:47Oh, well, it's two weeks past spring.
01:50Yes, it's about time I gave you a kiss.
01:53And in Mel Blanc's fix-it shop, where we find Mel and his girlfriend Betty Colby, Betty is saying...
01:59Oh, Mel, it's two weeks past spring.
02:01Yes, and it's about time I stop wearing my long winter underwear.
02:08That was Mel Blanc in a romantic mood.
02:12But now we find Mel and Betty discussing a more serious topic.
02:15Say, by the way, Mel, how's business?
02:18Well, Betty, it started out terrible.
02:20And it's been falling off ever since.
02:23There just doesn't seem to be any more fix-it work in this town.
02:26You mean you fixed everything so it can't be broken again?
02:28No, I've broken everything so it can't be fixed again.
02:32Well, I'm in a sad way financially, Betty.
02:34Well, have you tried getting a GI loan?
02:36Yeah, but I can't find a GI who wants to give me a loan.
02:40Stop being silly.
02:42Can't you get what you need at the bank?
02:44Well, not anymore.
02:45Mr. Grimes, the banker, told me not to come back again.
02:48Well, how can you get a loan without the bank?
02:50Easy.
02:51I just fill my pen at the post office.
02:55Gosh, Mel, you really are broke.
02:57Betty, I'm so broke that yesterday when I weighed myself,
03:00the penny came back with a card saying,
03:02Here, you need it more than we do.
03:03Oh, Mel, stop being such a defeatist.
03:08If you only advertise the fix-it shop more,
03:11you do a lot better business.
03:12I'll bet you haven't even got an egg in the egg hunt.
03:15Oh, yes, I have, Betty.
03:16It's marked Mel Blanc's fix-it shop,
03:18and if anybody finds it, they get a prize.
03:20Well, Blum's Candies is offering $25 for their egg,
03:24and my father's supermarket's offering $50 for his egg.
03:27What are you giving with your egg?
03:29Bacon and a side order of potatoes.
03:33Either that or a dollar in cash.
03:35Oh, one dollar.
03:36Mel, no wonder you never get anywhere,
03:38and father doesn't think anything of you.
03:40Oh, hello, Betty.
03:41Hello, Mel.
03:42Hello, Mr. Colby.
03:44Mel Blanc, you idiot.
03:45I asked you to fix my cash register.
03:46What have you done to it?
03:48Well, gosh, Mr. Colby, I ran out of parts,
03:50so I substituted them with some from a jukebox I was fixing.
03:53A jukebox?
03:54No wonder.
03:56Why?
03:56What happened to the cash register?
03:57Plenty.
03:58Every time I ring up a nickel,
03:59it plays how are things in glock-a-moron.
04:03Mel Blanc, you're a failure and a moron.
04:06Oh, but Mr. Colby...
04:07Leave me.
04:07I'm telling you this for your own good.
04:09Oh, I wish someone had taken the trouble to tell me
04:11how to become a fine, decent, upstanding citizen
04:14when I was young.
04:15Well, gosh, Mr. Colby, maybe it isn't too late yet.
04:18What?
04:19Why, you whippersau, you talk that way to me.
04:21Why, I'll bet the cigar I'm smoking costs more than you've made all week.
04:26Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that, Mr. Colby.
04:28I wouldn't be too sure.
04:30How much did it cost?
04:31Uh, well, maybe I was too hasty.
04:34Ten cents.
04:35Maybe...
04:36Maybe I was too hasty.
04:37You win.
04:40Just as I thought.
04:42And what, may I ask,
04:43are you offering to the one who finds your egg in the contest?
04:47A quarter?
04:48No, one...
04:49Ha! One dollar.
04:50No, uh, one hundred dollars.
04:53Oh, one hundred dollars?
04:55Well, Mel, my son,
04:57if you're going to afford to offer a hundred dollars,
04:59you must be going places.
05:01Yeah, I wonder if I can make the next train to Mexico.
05:04I mean, uh...
05:05Well, I...
05:06I, uh...
05:08I certainly would like to know where your egg is hidden,
05:13you nincom...
05:13You nincom...
05:15Come to see us any time, Mel.
05:17Let's come, Eddie.
05:18Let's go.
05:19Goodbye, future son-in-law.
05:21Goodbye, future.
05:26Oh, what a fix I got myself into.
05:29A hundred dollars.
05:30Where can I get that much money?
05:33Maybe I can go to Joe's pawn shop
05:34and talk to him about my watch.
05:36Nah, Joe won't give it back to me.
05:39I gotta do something.
05:41Hello, Mel. How are you?
05:43Oh, Professor Potchnick, my favorite teacher.
05:45You look peeved about something, Professor.
05:47I am.
05:48I was sitting in the park
05:49and some kids were painting Easter eggs.
05:51Then I dozed off for a while.
05:53What happened?
05:54When I woke up, my nose was red, white, and blue.
05:58Mel, you don't look so good yourself.
06:00What's the matter?
06:00Oh, Professor, I'm in terrible trouble.
06:02I need money.
06:03Mel, my boy.
06:05I would give you the shirt off my back.
06:07And it would fit you, too,
06:08because it's your shirt.
06:11Thanks, Potch.
06:13You know me, Mel.
06:15Money never meant a thing to me.
06:17When I first married my wife,
06:18I never worried about money.
06:20If she asked for five dollars,
06:21I'm letting her have it.
06:22If she needed ten,
06:23I'm letting her have it.
06:24If she needed a hundred,
06:25I'm letting her have it.
06:26Well, why were you so generous with your money?
06:28If I said no,
06:30she's letting me have it.
06:33Professor, I need a hundred dollars
06:34to pay the person who finds my egg.
06:36You, too?
06:37The Chamber of Commerce
06:38talked me into entering my egg for fifty dollars.
06:41I haven't got the money, either.
06:42What do we...
06:44Say, Mel, I got an idea.
06:46What is it?
06:47I'll find your egg,
06:48and you'll find my egg.
06:50It's a regular egg and I.
06:54You're Fred McMurray,
06:56and I'm Claudette Colbert.
06:59Professor, that's a great idea.
07:01My egg is almost impossible to find.
07:03I hid it in a place
07:04no one would ever think of.
07:05The egg bin in Mr. Colby's supermarket.
07:08Who would ever have thought of that?
07:09Me.
07:09That's where I hid mine.
07:12Well, now we got nothing to worry about.
07:15Yep.
07:15You save fifty dollars,
07:16and I save a hundred.
07:17Oh, I'll get the phone.
07:19Hello, Mel Blank's fix-it shop.
07:21You bend it, we mend it.
07:22This is the mayor's office, Mr. Blank.
07:24We've just issued a new ruling.
07:26Yes?
07:29Any merchant offering a prize in the contest
07:31cannot take part in the egg hunt.
07:34What?
07:36You mean I can't find Professor Potchnick's egg,
07:39and he can't find mine?
07:40That's right.
07:41Goodbye.
07:42Professor,
07:43did you hear that?
07:44Hear it?
07:45I've already passed out and come to.
07:48Mel, what are you going to do?
07:50Professor, as soon as I come to,
07:51I'm going to pass out.
07:52Well, back to Mel Blank,
08:07and trouble again, as usual.
08:09To make a good impression on Mr. Colby,
08:10Mel offered one hundred dollars
08:12to anyone finding his egg
08:13in the annual egg hunt,
08:15and now Mel has got to get the money back
08:16in some way,
08:17or pay one hundred dollars,
08:19which he doesn't have.
08:20But now to add to Mel's troubles,
08:22along comes Hartley Benson,
08:24the town bull brummel.
08:25Hello, Hartley.
08:26What do you know?
08:27Only what every girl tells me.
08:29Hartley, you're wonderful.
08:30Hartley, you're beautiful.
08:32Hartley, you're adorable.
08:34Help me.
08:36Mel, boy,
08:37it'll break the heart of every girl who calls,
08:39but I'm taking myself to Niagara Falls.
08:48Oh, Hartley,
08:49the way you rave,
08:50you'd think every woman was crazy about you.
08:52Well, form your own conclusion, Mel,
08:53but the telephone company comes to me
08:55for their phone numbers.
09:00In fact,
09:01statistics show that last year,
09:03two hundred women
09:04dialed the operator and said,
09:06I want a policeman.
09:07Four hundred women said,
09:08I want a fireman.
09:09And twenty-eight thousand seven hundred and forty-nine said,
09:12I want Hartley Benson.
09:17I tell you,
09:18I tell you, Mel,
09:19it's gotten so that I can't keep my receiver on the hook
09:21and it's cramping my style.
09:24Why?
09:25Well, as soon as I'm out with a girl,
09:27three minutes,
09:28I say,
09:29deposit another five cents,
09:30please.
09:31You must get plenty of slugs.
09:42Mel,
09:42old boy,
09:43you'll need more than slugs
09:44to pay the one hundred dollar
09:45to the person finding your egg.
09:47Well,
09:47how can you afford so much?
09:48Look,
09:49look,
09:49old boy,
09:49look at the way you're dressed.
09:52Hartley Benson,
09:52I'm dressed in the latest style.
09:54When I get a letter,
09:55it's addressed to Mel Blanc,
09:56Esquire.
09:57Well,
09:57you may have that distinction,
09:58Mel,
09:59old boy,
09:59but when I get a letter,
10:00it's addressed to Hartley Benson,
10:02woman's home companion.
10:03So you'll see,
10:12Mel,
10:12I'm practically
10:13a household necessity.
10:18So is a mousetrap.
10:21Now,
10:21that's getting very nasty.
10:23And to you,
10:24I say,
10:25hey!
10:32Now that I've blown my top,
10:34I must go.
10:35And I leave you
10:36with the two most beautiful words
10:38in the English language,
10:39Hartley Benson.
10:45Goodbye,
10:45old Mel.
10:46Nice of all seeing you.
11:01What an old character.
11:03That if he could get his parents
11:06consent,
11:06he'd marry himself.
11:10Oh,
11:10but that still doesn't solve
11:11the problem of how to get
11:12my egg out of Mr. Colby's
11:13egg bin.
11:14Hello,
11:15Mel.
11:15Ugga,
11:16ugga,
11:16boo,
11:16ugga,
11:16boo,
11:16boo,
11:17ugga.
11:18Hello,
11:19mighty potentate.
11:19Ugga,
11:20ugga,
11:20boo,
11:20ugga,
11:20boo,
11:21boo,
11:21ugga.
11:21Say,
11:22mighty potentate,
11:22I noticed the flag flying
11:24at half-mast outside your house.
11:25Are you commemorating
11:26some tragic event?
11:27Oh,
11:27yes,
11:28well,
11:28my wedding anniversary.
11:30Oh,
11:31too bad.
11:32I mean,
11:33congratulations.
11:34How long have you and your wife
11:35been married,
11:35mighty poate?
11:37Yesterday.
11:41Yesterday,
11:42Mel,
11:42was the 20th round.
11:45Tell you,
11:46Mel,
11:46I've been better off.
11:47I'd married John L. Sullivan.
11:50John fought clean.
11:53You know,
11:53I'll never forget the day we were married.
11:55It was in 1929.
11:56Oh,
11:57that's the year of the big crash.
11:58Yeah.
11:59Looked as though the whole thing
12:00fell on my wife's face.
12:04You know,
12:04Mel,
12:05I should have known there was something wrong
12:06at the ceremony.
12:07You know how on the back of every bridal auto
12:09it says,
12:10just married?
12:11Yeah.
12:12On the back of our car,
12:13it said,
12:14condemned.
12:17How come I wasn't invited
12:22to your anniversary party?
12:23Well,
12:23Mel,
12:23I'll tell you,
12:24it was just for relatives
12:24and my wife's friends.
12:27Naturally,
12:27we had only relatives.
12:30What a party.
12:31When I carved the turkey,
12:32my wife stood next to me
12:33and she said,
12:34John,
12:34carve the wing
12:35for Cousin George.
12:37Now carve for Uncle Leon.
12:40Carve Tom.
12:41And carve me.
12:45Gad,
12:45what a temptation
12:46taste.
12:52Well,
12:52what part of the turkey
12:53did you finally carve for your wife?
12:55Ha!
12:58I don't know
12:59why I'm telling you all this.
13:00It's just that I've got no one to talk to.
13:05Well,
13:05buck up,
13:06mighty potentate.
13:06You think you've got troubles.
13:08I've got a $100 egg
13:09in Colby's egg bin.
13:10How can I get it back
13:11without Colby recognizing me?
13:13Well,
13:13that's easy,
13:13Mel.
13:14You're good at disguises.
13:15Make believe
13:15you're an out-of-town farmer
13:17buying some eggs.
13:18You'll get it back.
13:20Say,
13:20that's a great idea.
13:21Thanks,
13:21mighty potentate.
13:22Well,
13:22so long,
13:23Mel.
13:23I've got to be going now.
13:24Where are you going,
13:24mighty potentate?
13:25Well,
13:25I can do one of two things.
13:27I can go to the movies
13:28and see my favorite brunette,
13:30or I can go home
13:30and look under the wig
13:32I'm married.
13:40Now to get down
13:46to Colby's supermarket.
13:48A farmer.
13:49I wonder how I sound
13:50as a farmer.
13:51Hmm.
13:53Hey,
13:58sounds just right.
13:59Oh, but Mr. Colby might not let me pick out the eggs I want
14:02I know
14:03I'll send Zuki over to distract his attention
14:06In some other part of the supermarket
14:07While I pick out my egg
14:08Oh, Zuki! Zuki!
14:17Hello, Mr.
14:20Happy Easter
14:20Happy Easter
14:21How long is it till Christmas?
14:26Well, Zuki, what can I do for you?
14:28Well, I want a bottle of my meat
14:29A bottle of my meat
14:30Pasture
14:32Pasture
14:32Homogen
14:34Homogen
14:35Elsie's best
14:38And I also want some cheese
14:41Oh, what kind?
14:43It's a sweet
14:43It's a sweet
14:44It's a sweet
14:44It's a sweet
14:45American
14:46Cheddar
14:48Pot
14:50No, no, no, no, make it Swiss
14:53How much?
14:54Well, slice it until I tell you to stop
14:56Okay, you say when
14:57We
14:59We
14:59We
15:00We
15:00We
15:01We
15:01We
15:01We
15:01We
15:02We
15:02We
15:02We
15:02We
15:03We
15:03We
15:03We
15:04We
15:04We
15:05We
15:05Well
15:05Stop already
15:07You sliced through all the cheese
15:10And two salamis
15:11Hey, uh, uh, Mr. Colby
15:15Why are you hanging around the egg bin?
15:17Well, uh, to tell you the truth, Zuki
15:19I've got my $50 egg hidden in that bin
15:22And I'm not letting anybody get near it
15:24We
15:24What?
15:26Oh, excuse me, Zuki
15:27I see another customer coming in
15:29Pardon me
15:29Well, may I help you, sir?
15:32Oh, howdy, Bob
15:33Hey, think the rain will hurt the alpha-falfa?
15:38I, um, I take it you're a farmer
15:47Oh, yep, yep
15:49I've been milking cows all my life
15:51It's all I've ever done
15:52Milk cows
15:53Getting so I can't shake a man's hand without putting a pail under it
15:57Oh, but I can't complain
16:02Milking cows pays me a good salary
16:04Well, what do you make?
16:06Pull down about $50 a week
16:07Well, I think I'll take a dozen eggs
16:13Eggs?
16:15Yep
16:15All right, just a second
16:16Why would a farmer buy eggs?
16:19Don't you have any chicken?
16:20Oh, sure, sure
16:22In fact, my chickens lay a lot of eggs
16:24I put a radio on the chicken coop
16:26And it made one chicken lay 50 eggs in one day
16:30A chicken laid 50 eggs in one day because of a radio?
16:33Yep
16:34She got so interested in one program, she dropped everything
16:38Well, then, uh, what do you want the eggs for?
16:47Well, uh, we use the eggs for hatching purposes
16:50Got me a setting hen
16:51Yeah, she was setting on some eggs when she took sick
16:54And I had to sit on the eggs myself for a week
16:57What?
16:58What happened?
16:59Have a cigar
17:00Yeah, I'm also having a lot of trouble with my Rhode Island Red
17:07Trouble with your Rhode Island Red?
17:09Yep, she's being investigated by Congress
17:12Now I'll take my eggs
17:15All right, all right
17:15But, uh, I'll pick them out for you
17:17You'll pick them out for me
17:18Well, uh, don't, don't bother
17:20I'll be back
17:21Hmm
17:23What am I gonna do now?
17:25I got it
17:26I'm desperate
17:27I'll hold him up
17:28I'll take one of these bananas off the stand
17:30Wrap a handkerchief around it
17:31And use it as my gun
17:32And I'll put a handkerchief over my face, too
17:34See, it's a good thing Mother taught me to be neat
17:36Always carry two hankies
17:38Well, here I go
17:40Stick them up, Colby
17:43This is a hold-up
17:44Oh, uh, don't shoot, mister
17:45Take my money
17:46Take my clothes
17:47Take my jewelry
17:48I want none of those
17:49Well, what do you want?
17:50Your eggs
17:51My eggs?
17:52Yeah, I steal them all the time
17:54I'm an egg-y egg
17:56You're a what?
18:02Uh, you've heard of the James boys, Frank and Jesse
18:05Well, I'm one of their brothers
18:07Well, how come I never heard of you?
18:09I always stayed in the house
18:11Oh, what's your name?
18:13Home James
18:14Well, this whole thing sounds highly ridiculous
18:24Now, careful now, Colby
18:25I got you covered
18:26Oh, is that so?
18:27Give me that gun
18:27Be careful, Mr. Colby
18:29You're bending it
18:29I'm bending it?
18:30Yeah, this isn't really a gun
18:31It's one of your bananas
18:32Oh, Mel Blank
18:33I'll break every bone in your body
18:35But, Mel, how did you get out of paying $100 for your egg?
18:46Well, you see, Betty
18:46When your father found out it was me
18:48He got so excited he dropped all the eggs
18:50Oh, then the egg hunt didn't cost you a penny
18:52Well, not exactly, Betty
18:53It cost me ten cents
18:54Ten cents?
18:55Yeah, your father made me pay for the banana
18:56This is Mel Blank saying thanks for listening
19:06Good night
19:06And hear the video
19:07That's all, folks
19:08This is Bud Eastman
19:17Reminding you that Colgate tooth powder
19:19For a breath that's sweet
19:20And teeth that sparkle
19:21Brings you The Mel Blank Show
19:22Every Tuesday at this time
19:24Be sure to join us again next Tuesday night
19:25For more fun with Mel
19:27And the people you'll meet
19:27In Mel Blank's Fix-It Shop