Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:30Dear darling, it is now nearly six weeks since dear Alice and I
00:49were sent to bring salvation to one of the most lustful,
00:52sinful, and utterly depraved places in God's little acre.
01:00And while there is certainly no shortage of sinners in this northern Sodom and Gomorrah,
01:10persuading them to turn their backs on the devil and come to the penitent seat
01:14is proving to be a lot more difficult than I'd thought.
01:18Rather good, that.
01:21Not that it'll make any difference.
01:23To who?
01:24To you.
01:25I mean, there's not much call for the Sally-Anne around here.
01:27See, it's too much competition.
01:29I know.
01:29That's why we've come.
01:31To offer an alternative to all this drinking, gambling, and wife-swapping.
01:36I mean, too much competition from other movements.
01:39Ah.
01:40Anglican, Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, I mean, you name it, we've got it.
01:44So there just isn't room for anyone else.
01:47In my father's house, there are many mansions.
01:50St John, 14, 2.
01:52Ah, but how many turnants have you got so far?
01:54Not as many as we'd like, certainly.
01:57But we're new here.
01:59We always have a full house.
02:02We?
02:03Church Lodge Brigade.
02:04And Lossy's, too, of course.
02:06Oh, it's the best marching band for miles.
02:08You got a band yet?
02:10Not yet, no.
02:12But we're working on it.
02:13Now, if you'll excuse me, brother.
02:15Davies, Hugh Davies.
02:17Well, it's nice to have made your acquaintance, Captain.
02:19Likewise, Mr Davies.
02:21Pity it has to be so, uh, fleeting.
02:24Good day.
02:27And you, brother.
02:30Sorry, Lord.
02:31But that sort of honest, decent Christian gets right up my nose.
02:35However, dear diary, and be that as it may, Mr Hugh Davies was right about one thing.
02:45We'll never get anywhere without a proper, traditional Salvation Army band.
02:49After all...
02:51After all, a Salvation Army Corps without a band is like a...
02:58Sisters, please.
03:06What do you think you're at?
03:07We thought we'd rehearse on with Christian soldiers.
03:10Marching us to war.
03:12Oh, aye.
03:12Well, all I can say is, five minutes marching behind you two,
03:16and half of the Christian soldiers will have deserted.
03:19Don't blame me.
03:21Blame this.
03:21Oh, give all of her.
03:23She's right, aren't she?
03:24Captain.
03:25Oh, Captain.
03:26That thing hasn't been properly used for years.
03:28Just like me.
03:31All I can say is, that euphonium needs a complete overhaul,
03:35and, not to put too fine a point on it,
03:37it's knackered.
03:40Will you stop that?
03:42Sister, I know you're new to the corn.
03:44You still have a lot to learn.
03:45But remember, a word fitly spoken
03:48is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
03:52Proverbs 25, 11.
03:54Beg pardon?
03:55Granted.
03:56I still think that the euphonium is not Sister Smith's instrument.
04:01Look, why don't you try something else?
04:03Like what?
04:05Ukulele?
04:06What's wrong with the triangle?
04:08Or the big bass drum?
04:09Nothing.
04:10It's just that we haven't got a triangle or a big bass drum.
04:14You mean that's all headquarters have sent us?
04:16Seems that's all they had to send.
04:17Oh, well, I suppose it's not their fault.
04:20But we must have a band.
04:23I mean, a Salvation Army call without a band,
04:25it's like a...
04:26It's like a booze up without any beer.
04:28A booze up without any beer.
04:30Sister Smith,
04:32you might have thought of something a little more appropriate.
04:35Oh, sorry, I'm sure.
04:37So what are we going to do?
04:39Provide our own instruments, of course.
04:41Oh, yes.
04:41And what do we use for money?
04:43Ludo counters?
04:44We've still got a bit left over from the establishment, Grant.
04:47That won't be anywhere near enough.
04:49Don't worry.
04:50The Lord will provide.
04:52If you say so, Captain dear.
04:54I wish it'd provide me with a fella.
04:57Now, don't start that again.
04:59I promise you that I will open a senior citizen social club
05:03as soon as I possibly can.
05:05But in the meantime...
05:06Yes?
05:07Why don't you go and make us a cup of tea?
05:09Tea?
05:10With milk and sugar.
05:12And a bit of bromide for yourself.
05:16What?
05:16Oh, please, sister.
05:18My mouth's that dry.
05:19I could spit feathers.
05:21All right, I'll do it.
05:23But this is not what I joined up for.
05:26I've a good mind to chuck the whole thing
05:28and join the Baptists.
05:29Or the Moonies.
05:31Or even the Corps.
05:34I think we've got a slight problem there.
05:37Don't be too hard, Donna.
05:38It's easy for you.
05:39You've got all this.
05:40You've never had time to feel lonely or alone.
05:44You think not?
05:45Oh, not like Dorothy and me.
05:47But we haven't got your faith, auntie.
05:49And probably never will have.
05:50And just you spare a thought
05:52for all those poor, unsuspecting old gentlemen
05:54who'll be turning up here
05:55expecting nothing more than a cup of cocoa
05:58and a game of drafts.
05:59And that's all they'll get.
06:00With Dorothy around?
06:02I wouldn't bank on it.
06:03I'll go and give her hand with the tea.
06:06Easy for me, eh?
06:08No time to feel lonely or alone.
06:12Well, you know, don't you, Lord?
06:14He knows.
06:15Do you know a Mr Davies of the Church Lads Brigade?
06:22Why'd you ask?
06:23He stopped me in the street yesterday.
06:25Asked how the band was doing.
06:27Which band?
06:27Our band.
06:28And what did you say to him?
06:29I said, it's coming along nicely, thank you.
06:32He seemed quite disappointed.
06:34Yeah, he would be.
06:35Well done, Alice.
06:37Well done?
06:38I told her, fib, we haven't even got a band.
06:40Not yet, no.
06:41But we will have soon.
06:43You said that last week and the week before that,
06:45but we still haven't got any instruments.
06:47Look, have patience, Alice, dear.
06:49The Lord will provide.
06:52And don't forget,
06:53he who asketh, receiveth.
06:55I'm asking, I'm asking.
06:57And he who seeketh, findeth.
06:59Yes, but...
07:00Yes, but how and when?
07:02Just leave it to him.
07:04Hey!
07:05How about second hand?
07:07Second hand what?
07:08Musical instruments.
07:10I've just remembered,
07:12there's this fella in Pontefract
07:13who sells everything.
07:16Maybe he could lay his hands
07:17on some instruments cheap.
07:19How cheap?
07:20Hold on.
07:22Why don't we go and ask him?
07:24Oh, thank you, Lord.
07:26I knew you wouldn't let me down.
07:28Oh, ye of little faith.
07:32How did you get to know this,
07:34Mr. Beasley?
07:35He went to Jubilee Street Mixed Infants
07:37with my eldest.
07:39Done very well for himself, then.
07:41Oh, yes.
07:42Turned out a very good business man,
07:44as Harry.
07:44Regular child food.
07:46How far did you say his offices were?
07:49My bungies are giving me jip.
07:52Just here.
07:53Where?
07:53Where?
07:54Here, round the back.
07:55Look, are you sure you know what you're at?
07:57Hold on.
08:01Dorothy, please.
08:03I said hold on.
08:05What do you want?
08:08Ah.
08:09Hey, who's he?
08:10Harry Beasley.
08:12The regular typhoon.
08:22Who was that?
08:23His private secretary.
08:25That'll do, Alice.
08:27I don't think Mr. Beasley can be of any help.
08:29Harry!
08:30I said come down.
08:33Right now, do you hear me?
08:36All right, all right.
08:39See?
08:40Very obliging is Harry.
08:41He'll do anything for anybody.
08:43Come on.
08:46So, what was he doing with that girl in the window?
08:50Alice, I shan't tell you again.
08:52Makes I see I look a bit sick, doesn't it?
08:56All right, Dorothy.
08:57This has come far enough.
09:01Heel!
09:03You've got a nerve.
09:04Why couldn't you shove an envelope through the door like everyone else?
09:07We're not collecting, Harry lad.
09:08We're buying.
09:10Buying?
09:10Buying what?
09:11We'll tell you when you've tied those dogs up.
09:13Right.
09:22I see.
09:26Clever, that.
09:27All right.
09:28You don't need dog biscuits, neither.
09:32Now, come on, what's all this about?
09:33Well, the thing is...
09:34And if it'd be worth my while,
09:36you interrupted a very important business conference.
09:38Oh, that's what they call it these days.
09:40Who is she, Mrs. Smith?
09:42And why are you dressed like that for?
09:43Well, that's Captain Ridley and this is Sister Meredith
09:46from the new Sally Annan.
09:47I'm in it.
09:48Aye, so will I be if I don't get back upstairs.
09:50Back to my conference.
09:53Now, come on, what do you want?
09:55Sister Smith seems to think you might supply some band instruments.
09:59Cheap.
10:00How cheap?
10:01Cheap, cheap.
10:02But since we've met you, Mr. Beesley...
10:03No, hang on, hang on.
10:04How many instruments?
10:05And what's up?
10:06Bass drum, euphonium, E-flat horn, couple of cornets.
10:12Right, I'll see what I can do.
10:13Thank you, Harry.
10:14You see?
10:15Now, anything else you want?
10:16Electric shavers, portable television, circular sores,
10:19real silk underwear, condensed soup.
10:21Did you say real silk underwear?
10:25No, thank you, Mr. Beesley.
10:26Tell you what, how about some genuine French perfume?
10:30Top brand at a rock-modern price.
10:31Just arrived today.
10:32One o'clock this morning, as a matter of fact.
10:34Go on, have a free sample.
10:35Go on, take it.
10:37And if you like it, there's plenty more where that came from.
10:39Just don't go flashing the label around in public, okay?
10:42Now, if you'll excuse me.
10:43Well, nice to do business with you, Captain Ridley.
10:51Just a minute.
10:53It will be all above board, won't it?
10:55All above board, Captain?
10:57Are you suggesting that I could be somewhat lacking in commercial integrity?
11:00Well, no, of course not.
11:00Because I do assure you that, despite my somewhat rough and ready appearance,
11:04I did have a proper Christian upbringing,
11:06and I do try to live by the good book.
11:08Which good book is that, playboy?
11:11An equal book, Captain.
11:14Particularly the Gospel according to St. Matthew,
11:16Chapter 19, verse 19.
11:19Tell her.
11:20What's St. Matthew, Chapter 19, verse 19?
11:24Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
11:27Which means, if I'm not mistaken,
11:29her, up there.
11:31Oh, young Mrs. Butcher from next door.
11:35By the heck.
11:36What have you got me into?
11:39Well, tell me, they're here.
11:41Who?
11:41The bailiffs?
11:42Oh, don't you listen to them.
11:43Not the musical instruments.
11:45Never.
11:46They're not new, of course,
11:47but they seem to be in very good condition.
11:50Yes, they do, don't they?
11:53Thank you, Dorothy.
11:55We'll let you know.
11:56Then let me know what?
11:57Which instrument we want you to play.
11:59Oh, I've decided I'll play this.
12:01Hear me for miles.
12:03Hallelujah!
12:04Well, thank you, Dorothy, dear.
12:06But God's not death, and neither are we.
12:10Now, why don't you go and make us all a nice cup of tea?
12:13Again?
12:14Now, look, I've told you.
12:15I didn't join your mob to be the tea waller.
12:18The what?
12:19Look, Dorothy, like I said, and like God said, each according to his needs.
12:25I thought that was Karl Marx.
12:27Yeah, well, that was late.
12:29And as we all need a cup of tea, I hereby suggest that Sister Smith makes it.
12:34All in favour?
12:36Against?
12:38Any abstentions?
12:40Right, congratulations, Sister Smith, you have just been elected.
12:44Now, what were we on it?
12:45That's not fair!
12:47Ah, well, that's democracy.
12:49And don't forget the one for the pot, because your last brew tasted like the waters of Babylon.
12:55And fed up with this, lift that tea bag, tote that bale, bang a little drum, and you land
13:01right in it!
13:02Remind me to have a little chat with Sister Smith, will you?
13:08You see, she still isn't getting the right spirit.
13:10Bring that drum.
13:11You know, you can hardly blame Dorothy for feeling a bit put out.
13:19I mean, without her, we wouldn't even have these instruments.
13:22And they're not only nice and cheap...
13:24They're very cold to the touch, too.
13:26Well, what, did you expect them to be hot?
13:29Don't answer that.
13:31Now, look, Aunty, you said yourself that the Lord will provide.
13:35Well, he has provided.
13:36Now, do you really think he'd be a party to anything that wasn't strictly kosher?
13:42Kosher?
13:44This is a Salvation Army citadel, Alice.
13:47Not the local synagogue.
13:49You know what I mean.
13:50Yeah, but you're quite right.
13:51I should have had more faith.
13:54Sorry, Lord.
13:55See, he obviously knows Brother Beasley much better than we do.
13:59Oh, but having a band is going to make all the difference, Alice.
14:03I just can't wait to get started.
14:06Dear Diary,
14:22It's only been a few weeks since the good Lord provided us with our musical instruments.
14:27But once the word got round,
14:29there was no lack of volunteers to do a bit of triple-tonguing in the service of the Lord.
14:34At long last, our little hall is beginning to sound like a real Salvation Army citadel.
14:41And the way the band is progressing,
14:43we'll soon be able to hold our first open-air meeting.
14:46Ah, good afternoon, Brother.
15:01Lovely day.
15:01Still here, I see.
15:03And here to stay.
15:06How's the band?
15:07Which band?
15:08Your band.
15:10It's not the only band round here, you know.
15:11Not anymore.
15:13We've got a band now.
15:15Oh, how nice.
15:16I'm very pleased for you.
15:17You look it.
15:18And let me tell you this.
15:19You'd better watch out.
15:20Because our lot are going to give your lot a real run for your money.
15:26I very much doubt it.
15:29Oh, do you?
15:31Well, then tell me this.
15:32Can your lead corner player blow top C, above C, without cracking it?
15:38Not without an instrument, no.
15:40Well, ours can.
15:43A right little virtuoso is Elvis.
15:48What do you mean, not without an instrument?
15:50I mean, we haven't got a band anymore,
15:52because we haven't got any instruments.
15:54They were stolen.
15:55I'm from St. Catherine's Church Hall.
15:58Oh, I am sorry, Mr. Davies.
16:00I really am.
16:01And if there's anything we can do to...
16:04Stolen?
16:05Every single one.
16:07And until we can get some replacements,
16:09seems that you have got no competition.
16:11It is an ill wind, as they say.
16:13Good day.
16:19Thank you very much.
16:25You, get your friend Harry Beasley round here and quick.
16:29Harry, where?
16:30Never mind why.
16:31Just get him.
16:32And you, get these instruments packed up.
16:35Come on up, but aren't you?
16:36Look, just do as I say, all right?
16:38General!
16:39I thought I told you to go and get Harry Beasley.
16:41And I asked you why.
16:43I can't get him round here without good reasons.
16:45No, well, it seems like the Lord was having a little game with us.
16:48Oh, he does that sometimes.
16:50Don't you, Lord?
16:51What for?
16:52Well, well, just to test us, I suppose.
16:55All he'll have is good reasons.
16:56Oh, but honestly, Lord, I knew we should pick on someone else for a change.
17:03Amen.
17:04Likewise.
17:05But if that's the way it's got to be, come on, get her off.
17:09Pop, your uniforms, they're far too conspicuous.
17:12But I thought that was the whole idea.
17:13Not for what we've got to do.
17:15What have we got to do, Captain dear?
17:17You still haven't said.
17:18The only thing that any honest decent citizen can do in the circumstances.
17:23A bit of breaking and entering.
17:24The only thing that any other thing is...
18:15How could you, Brother Beasley? How could you?
18:31I keep telling you, I didn't.
18:32Oh, give over. We know you nicked.
18:35You liberated those musical instruments, and we want our money back.
18:39Come on, repent, for though your sins be as scarlet, you will be white as snow.
18:45Isaiah 1, 18.
18:47Isaiah 1, 18.
18:49Look, he's full of sin, not mutton, Jeff. Just leave this to me.
18:54All right? All right.
18:55Oh, come on, Brother Beasley. You can't expect us to believe it was just a coincidence.
19:03What was?
19:04That the Churchlands Brigade lost all their instruments the very week we gained ours.
19:09Is that a fact? Well, well, well. Dear old dear, what rotten luck.
19:12Mr. Beasley.
19:14Lost all their bugles, did they? All their drums?
19:16Every single one. Bugles? Drums?
19:21Well, that's what they are, aren't they? A drum and bugle band.
19:26No cornets?
19:27No cornets.
19:29No euphoniums?
19:30No euphoniums.
19:32No horns?
19:33No horns? I thought everyone knew that.
19:35Go.
19:35Go.
19:35Go.
19:51Go.
19:52Go.
19:52Go.
19:52Go.
19:53Go.
19:54Go.
19:55Go.
19:56Go.
20:02Hey.
20:03Go.
20:03do have another tea time assaulted mr davis just one of the few little luxuries i afford myself
20:26and you do deserve it i mean if you hadn't told that policeman that it was all a
20:32costly mistake well i may have ended up in the pokey picking oakum for the rest of my life
20:42not if there is any justice captain ridley pardon what you did today was one of the kindest and
20:48most unselfish acts i have ever known it was the way you try to replace our stolen instruments with
20:54your own oh that quietly without telling me to spare me any possible embarrassment well all i can say is
21:03that is what christianity is all about giving oh i congratulate you captain you are a credit to the
21:09core well um mr davis it's very kind of you but to be totally honest tell me you're back what happened
21:16to the fuzz do you want a coffee yes please i'll make a fresh pot you know that mr davis of course oh
21:24oh yes of course yes
21:33wonderful woman that oh emily oh yes but even if they've been the right instruments i still
21:41couldn't have accepted our offer what offer don't ask we'll just have to get another set i suppose i
21:48can't see us getting the old ones back seems there's a lot of it going on cattle's arm a lot of what
21:53instrument stealing the finny lane brass ensemble had a break in two they didn't
22:02about the same time as us oh dear they lost a cornet a horn a tombow and a euphonium
22:09a horn and a euphonium or on the big bass drum
22:15finny lane that's just around the corner from harry b's
22:21all right we know
22:39the
22:51the
22:53the
22:55the
22:57the
22:59the