Charlie Sheen took a beating at his Roast, but his comebacks had him #Winning
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#ComedyCentralRoast #CharlieSheen
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00:00Charlie you claim to have tiger blood, but with all the porn stars you banged. It's it's probably just Tiger Woods blood
00:06I'm guessing you've got boatloads of money three TV shows and still even with all the work
00:12You've had done you can walk down the street totally unrecognized
00:22My hero Charlie Sheen
00:25Charlie definitely has tiger blood coursing through his veins
00:33Unfortunately that tiger is a helpless drug addict
00:39Dude your nose is like my ass. There's nothing you won't shove up there
00:48I've been clean and sober for three and a half years now
00:56But Charlie still hasn't hit rock-bottom I know he's looking forward to it though because he thinks there's a rock there
01:08But Charlie don't ever pretend that you're not a totally bitchin rock star from Mars because you are
01:17And I love you and I am so grateful that you've let me be a part of this tonight Steve-o
01:25You're an animal man. People say I'm crazy, but you you're the real deal
01:30This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face on his back
01:35There it is
01:41Even he knows it was a huge mistake because it makes Johnny Knoxville's go soft
01:50Speaking of things that should already be dead Charlie Sheen is still alive Charlie
01:55I'm a fan. You were amazing in platoon your marriage to Denise Richards
01:59It was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie
02:10But there's no denying how famous you are
02:13I mean it was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you, you know your daughters
02:18But
02:23No, I mean Charlie you get a bad rap, but you're just like Bruce Willis
02:26You know, you were big in the 80s and now your old slots being filled with Ashton Kutcher
02:40But all joking aside if you ever need a friend to pee in a cup for you, I'm your gal Amy Schumer
02:46Great job. You really me tonight
02:50Which I did because I'm into anonymous sex and no one's more anonymous here than Amy Schumer. I
02:59Mean I'm Charlie Sheen. They know me on Mars. They don't know you in this room
03:07Charlie you are a monster
03:11Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law & Order SVU
03:20Anthony Jessel Nick I
03:24Really liked your slow measured delivery
03:27Just if you were trying to trying to savor the moment
03:31Years from now when you're locking up at Radio Shack
03:36You'll look back at tonight and say I
03:39I
03:41wish I
03:45Was
03:47Funnier
03:52We're here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest a man who was great in two things 25 years ago Charlie Sheen
04:02Actually, there's a lot of Sheen on TV this evening when the show airs tonight on two and a half men
04:07They're actually having Charlie's pretend funeral believe it or not. There's no need to switch over though
04:12Just wait a few months. You can probably see the real thing
04:18Charlie you claim to have tiger blood but with all the porn stars you've banged. It's it's probably just Tiger Woods blood. I'm guessing
04:25You
04:31Have a lot of nicknames for you so you could you say you're a Vatican assassin
04:34Whatever that is Charlie the Vatican does not have assassins
04:37Yeah, if they want to shut someone up, they just buy him ice cream and tell him if they talk Jesus will kill their parents
04:45Charlie went on to star in TV and film both drama and comedy. He was the star of hot shots
04:49Which is also what Charlie feels when he takes a piss I
04:57Really think you and Emilio should do a follow-up to the movie men at work and you can call it men who don't work anymore
05:02Right, that would be
05:05I hope you're right that but of course a very public meltdown change the landscape
05:10It's interesting when you think about the firing of Charlie Sheen tells you all you really need to know about Hollywood
05:15You can abuse drugs. You can abuse alcohol. You can abuse drugs
05:18You can solicit prostitutes, but don't you ever ever call a Jewish guy by his actual Jewish name?
05:33So now
05:35Charlie is a self-contained unit. He is dependent upon no man and no thing
05:41except crack jack crank meth
05:43Except crack jack crank meth lewds Vicodin blow acid uppers poppers e-nitrous dust hash and this one boner medicine from Norway
05:54He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a sheenis
05:57He's still with us Charlie Sheen, in fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th birthday a
06:09Statement no one thought we would ever hear kind of like get Jessel Nick on the phone
06:15Get Jessel Nick on the phone
06:17Get Jessel Nick on the phone
06:19Get Jessel Nick on the phone
06:21Get Jessel Nick on the phone
06:23Get Jessel Nick on the phone
06:25Get Jessel Nick on the phone
06:29Or John Lovett saying one at a time, please
06:41Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza Hotel. I want to tell you though Charlie
06:46I think she's lying because I saw the scene where you got arrested in Wall Street. You you can't even make yourself cry
06:56But
06:57You know with all those dangerous jobs shows on TV like the ones about crab fishing ice road trucking
07:03Why is there no show about the most dangerous job out there being an escort for Charlie Sheen?
07:10How long must we wait for the first season of Deadliest Snatch, I'm ready to see that
07:16right now
07:21Honestly Charlie I never thought I would live to see the night that you would live to see this night
07:24I really did
07:26Look at you Seth. You've got the got the spray-on tan the waxed eyebrows the
07:31the pec implants
07:34Halogen teeth the bleached anus
07:39The scrotal tuck nipple enlargement taint augmentation
07:47But I got to admit I envy you
07:51You've got boatloads of money three TV shows and still even with all the work
07:56You've had done you can walk down the street totally unrecognized
08:04Mr.. Sheen the doctor will see you now. I have to say Charlie you are an incredible medical specimen
08:11I guess that's one of the benefits of waking up every morning at the crack of crack
08:14You
08:19Know it's amazing despite all those years of abusing your lungs your kidneys your liver the only thing you've had removed is your kids
08:34Admittedly Charlie gets a little confused sometimes. He's the only guy who pulls a knife on a woman who's already willing to fuck him
08:45I
08:47Drink to that
08:49Michael drink to that
08:51But is Charlie really the worst guy here, so he made a chick blow him for 30 grand
08:57Mike Tyson makes you blow him cuz I said so that's why
09:12Isn't that right Steve-o
09:15And
09:18So Charlie
09:20I'm happy to say whether it's your Adonis DNA your tiger blood or the drug called Charlie Sheen for some reason
09:27You're able to defy science and medicine and continue to survive
09:32I'll pencil you in for your relapse next week
09:36Kate Walsh I
09:38Don't know anyone who watches your show
09:42Because I date women who can still get their period
09:49Look
09:51Carlos
09:54I've had my share a while times with the senoritas
10:03I've had sex in space with green women
10:08You don't need that kind of press Charlie
10:11And my day if I wanted that kind of publicity I had to do something drastic like kiss a black girl
10:19Or let an Asian drive Oh
10:23May I suggest to you Charlie
10:28That you
10:30Re-examine your relations with women
10:33Prostitutes cost a lot of money Charlie hasn't anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free
10:39Man that's that's Hollywood 101
10:42You should have called
10:45You know what will help you get through this this this this tough spot something you have to give something back
10:53See, I was that recently at a celebrity auction where I sold one of my kidney stones for $75,000
11:00Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you understand what I've done? I
11:05Synthesized
11:07uric acid and
11:09Calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for a habitat for humanity
11:16Who's the warlock now, bitch?
11:26Actually Emilio
11:29We're not that different
11:32You're a rock star from Mars, yes, you are and there's one rocket man to another
11:39If I may give you my most important piece of advice
11:43tonight
11:44Never ever forget to book your next rehab stay through Priceline comm
11:51I
11:58Charlie see you take it from the master that little subtle plug there $65 right in the pocket
12:07Look at the time. Oh, geez. I gotta simply I must get home. I want to catch that new Ashton Kutcher show
12:14Do you do you know him nice guy? Yeah, I went to high school with his wife. Thank you very much
12:22You know, I personally asked that William Shatner be here only because I needed some clean urine
12:29Had to bring it out of the diaper, but it did the job
12:37Well, you've always been an inspiration to my acting
12:40It was your work on Star Trek that inspired me to act like an asshole until the rest of the cast stopped speaking to me
12:47You know, unlike all you people on this day, so yeah, I actually know Charlie and I'm famous
12:56Now he's my friend I've known him for about 18 years and I can tell you he's nothing like the character he plays on TMZ
13:05And people say oh he's crazy, you know
13:07Just because he likes beautiful women to come to his house have sex with him and then leave what a nut
13:14First time I hung out with Charlie was at his house after the Super Bowl a bunch of hot chicks showed up and I
13:20Looked up. I saw my old girlfriend and Charlie put his arm around me and said pick a hooker
13:28First time in my life, I cried and came at the same time
13:33No, it wasn't
13:35And now a joke how much blow can Charlie Sheen do enough to kill two and a half men
13:49I'm kidding. The man is misunderstood eight balls of heroin bad for you, or as Charlie sees it the most important thing in his life
13:56Is that he's got a wife and he's got a son
13:58I'm kidding. The man is misunderstood eight balls of heroin bad for you, or as Charlie sees it the most important meal of the day
14:07Now sure things got pretty crazy for a while
14:10He was all mixed up
14:11But he knew it was time to get straight when he put his dick in his coke and his razor in his hooker
14:17And did you know Charlie's
14:19According to the Torah, he's Jewish and not because his mother's a Jew but because CBS paid him 50 million dollars
14:25And he still sued the network
14:29Now
14:34Listen despite what you read Charlie still close to all of his exes why well just recently he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico
14:41Where he banged her ass so hard three balloons of coke fell out
14:50But Charlie's a gentleman he put them back in
14:59Picture it. Thank you. Look it's former funny man, John Lovett's
15:06Just last week. We were out on the golf course. We chatted had a few laughs then he got back on the mower and drove off
15:17I said yes to this because I
15:20Respect Charlie Sheen. I do I say yes, but I was but not not
15:25Not his body of work like not
15:30It's but it's all been very Christian Slayer ish like it just like
15:37He sucks, but he's good, but he sucks at the same time I
15:44Think that his stand that he made
15:47Against the business. I think this is a business, but he stood up. He still survived
15:53And he proved that nobody can keep like a sheen down, you know
15:58They can keep SFS down because his brother
16:03And he's the good one that most do everything right and that career is over holy
16:14Tiger blood he's selling his own blood to make money
16:17I
16:19First saw Patrice on the stage. I thought the same thing we all did. Why is Mike Tyson's mother here?
16:30But Mike no, no Mike Mike Mike you were fantastic tonight
16:34By the way, Mike, I'm sorry for drinking all the blood out of your tiger. I was going through a weird phase
16:47You