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00:00Here are the make-up sponges you asked for.
00:02Oh, thanks. I thought I had more.
00:08Damn, you've got more make-up than I do.
00:11You've got better make-up than I do.
00:13Yeah, I'm borrowing this.
00:16This is my Comic-Con make-up.
00:18I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.
00:22That's a wise policy.
00:24I once borrowed my sister's make-up for a costume contest.
00:27Got a terrible case of pink eye.
00:29Yeah, but luckily I was going as a zombie. I won second place.
00:34I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.
00:36That was San Diego Comic-Con. This is Bakersfield Comic-Con.
00:39Is that better?
00:41It's a lot smaller. It's more about the comic books,
00:43the way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.
00:46Did I answer your question?
00:48No, it's not better.
00:50Well, then why are you going?
00:52It's a comic book convention.
00:54It's like pizza or particle accelerators.
00:56Even the stinky ones are still pretty good.
00:59All right, well, you guys have fun.
01:01I guess I'll see you Sunday night.
01:03Hang on a second. Hold this.
01:11What was that for?
01:12To show people when they don't believe me.
01:14I know she loves playing the harp,
01:16so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs.
01:25Now, Amy already has a real harp.
01:29And it can play any song.
01:32What are you trying to pull here?
01:35No, I just thought it would...
01:36Next.
01:39Okay.
01:41I know she's a fan of the Canterbury Tales.
01:43So I found this cool map
01:48that illustrates the character's journey through England.
01:50I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
01:53But she's got Google Maps on her phone.
01:59I don't know how to respond to that.
02:03Well, I hope it's with a third good option,
02:05because these first two...
02:10Okay, well, luckily I saved the best for last.
02:15Since Amy's a neuroscientist,
02:17I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal,
02:20the father of modern neuroscience,
02:22did lots of hand drawings of brain cells.
02:25And I managed to find this signed print.
02:31Wow.
02:33Oh, this is truly remarkable.
02:37I think I'll keep it for myself.
02:43What about your girlfriend?
02:44It's too late. I called dibs.
02:47Cheers.
02:55Excuse me.
02:57I'm meeting a girl here.
02:59It's kind of a first date.
03:00In a library?
03:02Yeah.
03:04She and I are both a little awkward in social situations,
03:07so this seemed like a good idea.
03:09Oh.
03:10People say I'm a little awkward, too.
03:13May I join you?
03:17No, you can't join us.
03:19Just go climb back up whatever beanstalk you came down from.
03:28You can do better.
03:35Oh, we're eating here?
03:43We're having a texting date?
03:47I love that.
03:53As you're reading, it will help you remember,
03:56I have an adorable accent.
03:59Anything I can get for you?
04:01Some apple juice? Some jello?
04:04No, no, thank you.
04:06But I do have a favor to ask.
04:09Name it.
04:11Well, I'm booked to do a children's party tomorrow,
04:15and frankly, I don't feel up to it.
04:19No, you're not.
04:21You look awful.
04:29Anyway, I mean, you know my act better than anybody.
04:34I was hoping that maybe you'd fill in for me.
04:39Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?
04:43Yeah.
04:45Oh, my. What an honor.
04:48Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus
04:51and dine with the gods.
04:54Or a Korean family in Alhambra.
05:00I'm so proud of you, Amy. Your first bikini wax.
05:02Yeah.
05:10So, how you doing?
05:12A little sensitive, but not bad.
05:14Does it always take that long?
05:16Uh, no, they don't usually have to go out and get more wax.
05:21Oh, yeah.
05:26Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let's get out of here.
05:29Wait, I'm leaving my car here?
05:31Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake.
05:33Really makes these things tough to budge.
05:36Before I park, come in the back seat.
05:38I want to show you something I had done today.
05:41All right. You color me intrigued.
05:49What do you think?
05:51I think you're high on paint fumes.
05:54And, boy, that's a lot of Band-Aids.
06:00The first 43 parallel universes I've checked proved to be empty.
06:05I see no reason to suspect universe number 44 will be any different.
06:11Oh, my God.
06:17Oh, my God!
06:19Holy crap!
06:27Ow! It's eating my face!
06:29It's eating his face!
06:35Hi, Sheldon.
06:41He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
06:46Howard, what are you doing?
06:49He wasn't using it.
06:52And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
06:58Get off there.
06:59Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
07:01Give me back my parking space.
07:02You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
07:05But you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
07:09Well, we appear to have reached an impasse.
07:12And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
07:20I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.
07:24You guys need me to call someone? I'm guessing your mom's.
07:30Thanks, but we've got it covered.
07:32Okay, I just talked to my mom.
07:39She arranged for us to get a rental car.
07:41Great, we can still make it to Comic-Con.
07:43Are you kidding me? After all we've been through, I just want to go home.
07:47Don't be like that. Come on, Howard, talk to him.
07:50I'm with Leonard. I'm done.
07:53Fine. Then I guess it's two against two. How do we decide?
07:59Actually, it's three against one.
08:01What? Well, what about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.
08:05Yeah, well, we're not. We're an imaginary landing party.
08:09We have real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we're idiots.
08:15And to tell you the truth, I'm starting to feel like one.
08:18I want to go home now.
08:22Okay.
08:24Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise?
08:30Get it? Enterprise.
08:32Enterprise.
08:34Screw you, that's funny.
08:38Whatever you got me, you can return.
08:42No. No.
08:44After everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
08:49What's this? Read it.
08:52Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information.
08:55At the bottom.
08:57In case of emergency, please contact...
09:00Amy Farrah Fowler.
09:03Aww.
09:05And there's my phone number.
09:10This is the most beautiful gift you could have ever given me.
09:14Well, I thought if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
09:25And you picked me.
09:28Because like you said, you're my girlfriend.
09:32Oh, Sheldon.
09:33Yeah.
09:38Okay.
09:40Stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.
09:43I can't believe I ditched work for Disneyland.
09:45What did you tell your boss?
09:47Oh, I was very clever. I did it in stages.
09:49At 7 last night, I called about a problem at the lab and casually mentioned I was going out for seafood.
09:56At 9.30, I called and told him that one of my scallops tasted weird.
10:00At 11.30, I called and said I was throwing up like a fire hose.
10:05At 12.45, I called and made nothing but dry heaving sounds.
10:09And now I'm going to Disneyland.
10:13Penny, what did you say?
10:15I work at the Cheesecake Factory. I said bye.
10:20So what are we going to do first?
10:22I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to make a beeline for the place that gives you a princess makeover.
10:26Oh, that sounds like fun.
10:28You're kidding, right? We're not just going to get drunk and go on rides?
10:33Come on, do it with us.
10:35Alright, whatever. How does it work?
10:37Okay, so you pick your princess. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella.
10:41They give you hair, make up, the works.
10:44Guess it would be fun to be Cinderella.
10:46Oh, I want to be Cinderella too.
10:48Yeah.
10:49We can't all be Cinderella.
10:54Then how do we decide?
10:56It's simple. This was my idea. I'm driving. I'm Cinderella.
11:00You bitches got a problem with that, we could stop the car right now.
11:05It's really you.
11:11Mr. Jeffers, I am so sorry. We should have told you about the broken elevator.
11:16I agree.
11:19Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you.
11:23Just call me Arthur.
11:24Oh, Leonard.
11:28Did you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur.
11:32That means we're friends.
11:35No, a friend would have told me about the elevator.
11:43Look at me.
11:47I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it's going to ruin my eyes.
11:55Is he dangerous?
11:59Actually, he's a genius.
12:02I am.
12:05That doesn't answer my question.
12:09Mr. Jeffers, I'm Leonard. This is my girlfriend Penny.
12:12Hi.
12:13Hello.
12:18Well, I hope I haven't kept the kids waiting too long for the show.
12:23Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the show's for me.
12:27Come on. Aracia.
12:30Arthur.
12:36Is the blonde girl really your girlfriend?
12:40Yes, sir.
12:41You're the genius.
12:44You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest.
12:48Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it.
12:53That looks a lot like Nicolas Cage.
12:58He says, travel with caution.
13:03These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.
13:14Honestly, Howard's just as good a dungeon master as I am.
13:18As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four eyes.
13:23Come on, guys, focus.
13:25Oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree.
13:28We thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors
13:32and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal.
13:39Oh, Lucy's free after all. See ya.
13:43Hey, hey, you can't leave. We just started.
13:46You're right. I should finish the game.
13:48I take my plus one long sword, stab myself in the face with it.
13:51I'm dead. I've got a date with a girl. Bye.
13:56We'll be fine. Watch.
13:57Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Cthulhu Pali's bloody corpse
14:03and says, don't worry, buddies.
14:05Ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest.
14:11Well, I'm just a tree, but if I were you, I'd listen to your ghost friend.
14:16Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?
14:20What do you think?
14:21Great.
14:23I've been doing some reading about vehicular safety.
14:27Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents
14:31happen on or around boats?
14:35Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.
14:39Well, that's the thing about factoids. They're interesting.
14:44I know what you're doing.
14:47You don't want me going on this research trip because you're afraid to be alone.
14:51Well, I'm not afraid to be alone. On land.
14:56On the sea, it would be terrifying.
15:00Because of all the drowning.
15:04Sheldon.
15:05Fine. No more drowning talk. I'll change the subject.
15:09Who do you think would win in a fight?
15:12You or a shark?
15:16Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness.
15:22If I get the chance to do this, there's nothing you can say that's going to stop me.
15:27Very well.
15:30Things between you and Penny have never been better.
15:33I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.
15:41I should have opened with that, huh?
15:43Why hasn't Stephen Hawking played a word?
15:47The guy's a genius. Maybe you weren't challenging enough for him.
15:51Not challenging. I was humiliating the man.
15:54I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.
16:01Here's the problem. You can't beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose.
16:06Everyone knows the guy's a big baby.
16:08Forget the wheelchair. He should be in a stroller.
16:11Really?
16:13One time, when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in the Matrix.
16:17I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting, so I looked it up online and showed him.
16:23Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me.
16:31And then he was all,
16:32Your invitation must have gotten lost in the Matrix.
16:36Your invitation must have gotten lost in the Matrix.
16:44Good Lord, what have I done?
16:47Good Lord, what have I done?
16:53Terrible.
16:55All right, hotshot, let's hear your Indian.
16:58I can't sit on that elephant. My ass is on fire from eating all this curry.
17:06Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.
17:17Why are they staring?
17:20Who cares? Just soak it in.
17:25Hello, boys.
17:28Oh, hey.
17:31Can you please stop staring? They're just girls.
17:34It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
17:39Hey, Stuart.
17:40What brings you guys here?
17:42We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
17:44Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
17:48No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
17:52Oh, okay. What do you think you might be into?
17:54Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga?
17:58I swear I will turn a hose on you.
18:06What kind of comics do the guys like?
18:08Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
18:11All right, well, who's the best superhero?
18:14You can't ask a question like that in here. Are you trying to start a rumble?
18:20Ernie, I'm home.
18:23You have fun today?
18:25Yes, and I have a surprise for you.
18:28Please be Cinderella. Please be Cinderella.
18:33Well, hello, Prince Charming.
18:40Milady.
18:42Hey, how was your... What?
18:46I can explain. I played hooky with the girls, then we all went to Disneyland and got...
18:51What are you doing?
18:52Disneyland. Go on, I'm listening.
18:58Sheldon.
19:00Oh, my God.
19:02Oh, my God.
19:03Oh, my God.
19:04Oh, my God.
19:05Oh, my God.
19:06Oh, my God.
19:07Oh, my God.
19:09Sheldon.
19:11All Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.
19:15Heard you the first time.
19:19We're all here tonight because we have no one to be with.
19:24But that doesn't make us mutants.
19:29The only mutants here are in these comic books.
19:33We've got to stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we're in a relationship.
19:40You know what I see when I look around?
19:43I see a room full of great people.
19:47So let's give ourselves a break.
19:50We are a community.
19:52And as long as we have each other, we're never truly alone.
20:03That was cool, what you said.
20:07You really think so?
20:09Yeah, I do.
20:15Would you like to get a cup of coffee?
20:20Okay.
20:27Later, losers!
20:33Let me see if I have this straight.
20:37You two are physicists.
20:41And you want me to do a children's science show.
20:48Yes.
20:50And if there's time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.
20:56Okay.
21:02You know, I'm a real scientist.
21:04I have a PhD from Cornell University.
21:08Yeah, that's great. Did you bring your puppet?
21:12No, no.
21:15I hate that puppet.
21:19Oh, no.
21:21Does anybody hate Geno the Neutrino?
21:26It's nice, huh?
21:27I got it for 20 bucks on eBay.
21:29Including the shipping!
21:35I'm awake, right?
21:41This is happening.
21:44Here we are.
21:45Yep.
21:47I'm really gonna miss you.
21:49I'm gonna miss you, too.
21:50Penny, we're in the red zone.
21:53You see, the white zone is for loading and unloading.
21:56We're breaking the law.
21:59Okay, there's no space in the white zone, so...
22:01Anyway, we can email.
22:04And I think the phone connections are pretty good.
22:06All right, you have to get out of the car right now.
22:07I'm not going to jail for you.
22:09Would you just relax?
22:10Oh, I see a space in the white zone.
22:12Quick, circle the airport.
22:15Did you bring enough inhalers?
22:17Yeah.
22:18And extra Dramamine.
22:19You remember what happened on It's a Small World.
22:23I'm covered.
22:24Okay.
22:25Oh, dear Lord.
22:26A police officer's glancing in our direction.
22:28We've been made.
22:31Calm down, I'm getting out.
22:34I have something I want to give you.
22:36Leonard!
22:37All right, it's just a heart-shaped lock
22:38with a picture of Leonard's face in it.
22:39You got them all on clearance.
22:40Now move, move, move!
22:44I love you.
22:46I love you, too.
22:49Don't worry, officer.
22:51They just love each other.
22:52We're not smuggling drugs.
22:59This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.
23:05What?
23:07A naked man sat on it.
23:09Now, here's my concern.
23:11His diet is rich in fatty deli meats.
23:14What test do you have to detect lipid residue?
23:19Lipid what?
23:22Lipid residue.
23:24An anal autograph.
23:27A colon calling card, if you will.
23:33Tuesday, okay.
23:36Now, don't rush it.
23:37We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.
23:41Let me write you a ticket.
23:42Let me write you a ticket.
23:44Just never played Dungeons and Dragons with girls before.
23:47Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
23:48No one has.
23:53So, what do you say?
23:56I'll leave it up to the dungeon master.
24:00A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino
24:06rises from the forest floor and says,
24:09You're playing D&D.
24:12You're playing D&D.
24:14This whole apartment
24:18is playing D&D.
24:24What are you doing in our dungeon?
24:29You shall die.
24:33Okay, literal goosebumps, look.
24:37What do you do?
24:38I draw my broadsword.
24:40I ready my quarterstaff.
24:41I drink my potion.
24:46I say we attack the big one.
24:47You know what? Give me the dice. I want to roll.
24:49The dungeon master is supposed to roll.
24:51Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet.
24:54No, give it.
24:57All right, what do I need?
24:59Fifteen or higher.
25:01Fifteen's the point. The point is fifteen.
25:03Give the little lady some room. Here it is, coming out.
25:06Sixteen!
25:10Oh, please tell me we're playing for money.
25:12Oh, even better than money, you gained experience points.
25:18More potion, please.
25:19Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app.
25:21You can make one with me.
25:23With you?
25:26Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
25:28Was it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?
25:35Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like,
25:37you just snap a picture of them,
25:39and the app goes on the internet to find out where you can buy them.
25:42That's your app idea?
25:44You don't like it?
25:45I didn't say that, but no, I don't.
25:52Okay, these are Uggs.
25:55These are Crocs.
25:58These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.
26:00Bored.
26:01Look, you said it yourself, we have to create a database
26:04before you can write an alga thingy.
26:06Algorithm.
26:07You see, Penny, Alan Turing defines an algorithm.
26:10Bored.
26:12Okay, these are Steve Maddens.
26:14These are Nine West.
26:16These are Target.
26:17Oh, but don't they look like Chanel?
26:20These are Michael Kors.
26:23These are Roxy.
26:25These are Sashell.
26:28I'm making the donation to your department
26:30regardless of what happens between us.
26:32Really?
26:33Of course.
26:34There's no quid pro quo here.
26:36You and your colleagues are doing remarkable research,
26:38and you deserve the money.
26:40Oh.
26:42Then what was last night about?
26:44I took a shot.
26:45Sue me.
26:48Oh.
26:49You're a very handsome man, Leonard.
26:57It was foolish of me to think someone your age
26:59might ever be interested in someone like me.
27:01Oh, don't say that.
27:03You're a very attractive woman.
27:04Oh, please.
27:05No, it's true.
27:06Well, aren't you sweet?
27:08Just for the record,
27:10you'd remember a night with me
27:12for the rest of your life.
27:16I'm sure I would.
27:18But why, why exactly?
27:22You're a very smart man.
27:24How do you think our lad is such a rich husband?
27:27I hadn't really given it much thought.
27:29Well, think about it.
27:34You mean...
27:36Yep.
27:37I'm that good.
27:42But what the hell?
27:45Here's what I wonder about zombies.
27:47Oh.
27:49What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat?
27:52They can't starve to death.
27:53They're already dead.
27:56You take this one.
27:57I spent an hour last night
27:58on how do vampires shave
27:59when they can't see themselves in the mirror.
28:03Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs
28:05and shave each other.
28:06Case closed.
28:08Yeah, okay.
28:09So, zombies.
28:10I guess it depends on the zombies, Roger.
28:12Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies?
28:14Like, in 28 days,
28:15if those zombies didn't eat, they starve.
28:17You're thinking of 28 days later.
28:1928 days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab
28:21and puts the audience into an undead state.
28:24Hey, don't bag on Sandra Bullock.
28:26You think it makes you look cultured,
28:28but you just come off as bitter.
28:30Nice shot.
28:33My father taught me archery as a child.
28:41It's odd how the activity
28:43brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.
28:47Perfect.
28:48I know.
28:50What an elf I would have made.
28:55Woo, what do you think you're doing?
28:57Shooting at a target.
28:58With what?
28:59An arrow.
29:00Really?
29:01I didn't see you draw one from your quiver.
29:05I'm not gonna do that, Sheldon.
29:06Leonard, the people at Nintendo
29:08can only go so far
29:09in helping us recreate
29:10an actual athletic experience.
29:13We have to do our part, too.
29:20That was uncalled for,
29:22but I'll play along.
29:24Al.
29:25I got something I want to ask Bernadette,
29:28and I can't think of a better time
29:30than when I'm with all my friends.
29:32Oh, hold on, Howard.
29:33There's lots of better times.
29:36Leonard, please.
29:37The man is talking.
29:38Let him get it out
29:39and let the chips fall where they may.
29:47Bernadette,
29:48Bernadette,
29:49Marianne Rostenkowski.
29:51Oh, God, what's happening?
29:54I know things haven't been perfect with us
29:57and we've had our problems,
29:59but I just have to tell you,
30:01from the moment that...
30:02Howard, let me just stop you right here.
30:04This is it.
30:07Yes.
30:10Yes, what?
30:12Yes, I will marry you.
30:13You will?
30:14You will?
30:15I will.
30:18I will.
30:19Oh, I love you so much.
30:21Oh, I love you, too.
30:22Congratulations.
30:24Oh, I'm so excited.
30:28Tonight is pizza night.
30:30I'd like to refer that to my attorney.
30:34According to what I see here,
30:36Thursday nights are Franconi's pizza night.
30:38Yes, and when Franconi's went out of business,
30:41we switched to Graziano's.
30:43That's interesting.
30:44Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?
30:49Good question, Howard.
30:51Turns out you can't.
30:53According to the document you drew up, Sheldon,
30:55the selection of a new takeout restaurant
30:57requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period.
31:01Were those criteria met?
31:09No.
31:12Oh, God!
31:15This is Greek food?
31:17Leonard, you hate Greek food.
31:19Not as much as you.
31:38Shake it, baby, shake it!
31:40Muy caliente, Sheldon.
31:45Care to dance?
31:46Oh, sorry.
31:47I'm engaged.
31:50How about you?
31:52Oh, what the hell?
32:11Leonard, are you in the shower?
32:13I can't hear you, I'm in the shower!
32:16I asked if you were in the shower,
32:18but that's moot now.
32:20What?
32:21Moot.
32:22Rendered unimportant by recent events.
32:26I can't hear you, I'm in the shower!
32:29I have to skip the chit-chat.
32:31Emergency.
32:32What kind of emergency?
32:34Mathematical.
32:3532-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.
32:39You might not want to do that.
32:41Oh, I do.
32:43Sheldon, I'm not alone in here.
32:45What?
32:48Hello, Sheldon.
32:50What are you doing in there?
32:51She can't be in here.
32:53You were in here first.
32:54You can't be in here.
32:55According to the roommate agreement,
32:57paragraph 9, subsection B,
32:58the right to bathroom privacy
33:00is suspended in the event of force majeure.
33:02And believe me,
33:03I'm experiencing a very majeure force.
33:08You can't wait two minutes.
33:10Why not let the men be?
33:18Penny.
33:19Penny.
33:20Penny.
33:22What?
33:23Move, move, move!
33:26Good news.
33:27I finally have a handle on my idea
33:29for three-person chess.
33:32That is good news.
33:33Bye.
33:35Do you know how I solved
33:36the balance center combat area problem?
33:39In other words,
33:40transitional quadrilateral
33:41to triangular tessellation.
33:45That's brilliant.
33:47It's what I do.
33:50But wait, there's more.
33:51I also invented two new chess pieces.
33:54The serpent
33:56and the old woman.
34:00Okay, now I have to ask,
34:01what do they do?
34:02When the serpent slithers
34:03to an opposing player's piece,
34:05that piece is considered poisoned
34:07and will die after two more moves.
34:13All right.
34:14Unless it gets to the old woman in time.
34:18In which case,
34:19she sucks out the poison,
34:21turning her into the Grand Empress.
34:27A piece combining the power of the knight,
34:29queen, and serpent.
34:32Elegant.
34:34That's because it's simple.
34:35Freya just made a snide comment
34:36about your acting career.
34:38What the hell did she say?
34:39She thinks it's cool
34:40you're following your dream
34:41no matter what.
34:44Fat bitch!
34:48How do you want to handle it?
34:50Um, okay.
34:51Tell Bernadette to tell Freya
34:52that I'm on my way to Prague
34:54to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
34:57Got it.
34:59Is it going to be in 3D?
35:01What? I don't know.
35:02It doesn't matter.
35:03I'm going to say 3D.
35:04That'll let her know
35:05the studio has faith in it.
35:10You're kidding. 3D?
35:14That's what I hear.
35:16The studio must have real faith in it.
35:21I don't know why she didn't tell me.
35:23Have you been spending time
35:24with your ex-girlfriend?
35:25No.
35:28Then why are you surprised
35:29she didn't tell you?
35:30Well, it's not as much a surprise
35:33as the other thing.
35:39What other thing?
35:41If you...
35:45I don't...
35:47What's the word I'm looking for?
35:49I'm not going to help you.
35:50This is hilarious.
35:52Let's see if this drug works.
36:01Forgive me for staring
36:02but you're very beautiful.
36:12That's a great accent.
36:13Where are you from?
36:14India.
36:15Oh, cool.
36:16I've always wanted to go there.
36:17It's a beautiful country.
36:18You'd love it.
36:19May I join you?
36:21Uh, okay.
36:22Sure, why not?
36:23My name is Dr. Rajesh Kutrapalli
36:25and this is my friend
36:26Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
36:27Hi.
36:28Oh, there's no need
36:29to interact with me.
36:30I'm just here to observe.
36:33What's he observing?
36:34We're scientists.
36:35We observe everything.
36:36Here, go buy yourself a scone.
36:39All right.
36:42I'd like to buy a scone.
36:43Oh, I'm sorry.
36:44We're out.
36:45We have muffins.
36:46They sound delicious
36:47but this money is earmarked
36:48for scones.
36:51What are you doing?
36:52Oh, just getting comfortable.
36:56So, how long have you lived
36:57in Los Angeles?
36:58I...
36:59They were out of scones.
37:00Oh, Sheldon, I'm talking
37:01to someone.
37:02You're being rude.
37:03I bet you're an actress.
37:04If not, you should be.
37:05You have a very expressive face.
37:09Oh, my God.
37:10Wait.
37:11Where are you going?
37:12We were doing so well.
37:14She never even got to see
37:15my penis.
37:19Ta-da!
37:25I must say, Penny,
37:26this is great fun.
37:28Glad you're enjoying yourself.
37:29Until I met you and Bernadette,
37:30my trips to the bathroom
37:31had been entirely focused
37:32on elimination.
37:34Now they have
37:35a delightful social aspect.
37:37Amy, you must have been
37:38in the bathroom
37:39with other women before.
37:43Of course I have.
37:44But they were strangers
37:45and seemed off-put
37:46when I engaged in
37:47friendly stall-to-stall chit-chats.
37:50Some women don't like
37:51to get chummy
37:52when their panties are down.
37:55You okay in there, Bestie?
37:57I'm fine.
37:58The reason I ask
37:59is that many people
38:00experience bladder shyness,
38:01the inability to pass urine.
38:03Yeah, I said I'm fine.
38:04Stop talking to me.
38:06Is she always this crabby
38:07when she urinates?
38:08We're really not that close.
38:12Screw it. I'll go later.
38:14And I'll be right by your side.
38:16Do you like her?
38:17She's great, huh?
38:18She's a lovely girl.
38:19Cute as a button.
38:21That's good to hear
38:22because I've got some news.
38:26I hope it's good news
38:27because I've got
38:28nothing but disappointment in here.
38:39Bernadette and I
38:40are getting married.
38:47Ma?
38:49You too busy bearing down?
38:54Ma?
38:58Oh, my gosh. Ma?
39:00Stand back.
39:01I'm gonna break the door down.
39:10Son of a bitch.
39:11Ma, help.
39:13Finally.
39:29Oh, what fresh hell is this?
39:31Wait. You can't leave here.
39:32You've been exposed.
39:37No, I haven't.
39:40It's all good.
39:47Mountain elf.
39:53He takes the elf
39:54from off the show.
39:58Hell hounds.
40:00Hell hounds
40:01who let the satanic dogs out.
40:07Colossal serpent.
40:08I got a colossal serpent
40:09right here.
40:14Must you?
40:15Sorry, I'm just trying
40:16to cheer my buddy up.
40:19Rotting zombie.
40:21Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
40:29Xandor,
40:30wizard of the north.
40:31Ha, I win.
40:33You skipped the part
40:34about being under
40:35a two-week quarantine
40:36because you were exposed
40:37to a deadly disease?
40:38Absolutely.
40:39That's my water.
40:41What?
40:42My water. You're drinking it.
40:43Dear lord.
40:46Have you been drinking it?
40:48Yes, it's my water.
40:50Well, that's it, then.
40:51I'm dead.
40:54Here we go.
40:55I'm sorry.
40:56Do I really need
40:57to tell you this?
40:58What's for you,
40:59either backwashed
41:00into this glass,
41:01is every pathogen
41:02that calls your mouth
41:03home sweet home.
41:04Not to mention
41:05the visitors
41:06who arrive
41:07on the dancing tongue
41:08of your subtropical girlfriend.
41:10Hey,
41:11that's my sister
41:12and my country
41:13you're talking about.
41:14Then it may have
41:15defiled one,
41:16but I won't have you
41:17talking smack
41:18about the other.
41:19You guys ready to order?
41:20Yes, I'd like
41:21a seven-day course
41:22of penicillin,
41:23some syrup of ipecac
41:24to induce vomiting,
41:25and a mint.
41:27He drank from
41:28Leonard's glass.
41:29He drank from
41:30Leonard's glass.
41:31Words he'll be carving
41:32into my tombstone.
41:34That's actually
41:35my napkin.
41:36Oh, this is a nightmare!
41:38Where are you going?
41:39To the bar
41:40to sterilize my mouth
41:41with alcohol.
41:42Gangway!
41:43Dead man walking!
41:44Do friendship.
41:46Would you booze hounds
41:47please stop
41:48that infernal clinking?
41:52And the answer
41:53was elephant.
41:57Oh, God.
42:28Oh, God!
42:31Oh!
42:33Okay, look,
42:34this never happened.
42:36Do you understand me?
42:41Really?
42:42Still can't talk to me?
42:44Do you go on many dates?
42:46Um, yeah,
42:47I wouldn't say many.
42:48A few.
42:53What's a...
42:55Your characterization
42:56of approximately
42:57171 different men
42:58is a few.
43:01Where did you get
43:02171 men?
43:04Simple extrapolation.
43:05In the three years
43:06that I've known you,
43:07you were single for two.
43:08During that time,
43:09I saw 17 different suitors.
43:11If we work backwards,
43:12correcting for observation bias
43:14and postulate
43:15an initial dating age
43:16of 15...
43:17Wait, wait, wait.
43:18I did not start dating
43:19at 15.
43:20I'm sorry, 16?
43:2114.
43:22My mistake.
43:23Now, assuming
43:24the left side of a bell curve
43:25peaking around the present,
43:26that would bring
43:27the total up to...
43:28193 men.
43:31Plus or minus eight men.
43:34Remarkable.
43:35Did you have sexual intercourse
43:36with all of these men?
43:37No.
43:38Now, although that number
43:39would be fairly easy
43:40to calculate,
43:41based on the number
43:42of awkward encounters
43:43I've had with strange men
43:44leaving her apartment
43:45in the morning,
43:46plus the number
43:47of times I've been
43:48in a relationship
43:49with a woman
43:50I've dated
43:51in the morning,
43:52plus the number of times
43:53she's returned home
43:54wearing the same clothes
43:55she wore the night before.
43:56Okay, Sheldon,
43:57I think you've made your point.
43:58So we multiply
43:59193 minus 21 men
44:02before the loss of virginity,
44:03so 172 times .18
44:06gives us
44:0730.96 sexual partners.
44:11Let's round that up to 31.
44:14Okay, Sheldon,
44:15you are so wrong.
44:16That is not even close
44:17to the real number.
44:18I'm gonna need a drink
44:19over here.
44:20What about your pedometer?
44:21Don't have one.
44:22Do you have telematics
44:23in your shoes
44:24connected to an iPod?
44:25Uh, no.
44:26What do you do?
44:27You just go out there
44:28and gamble about
44:29like a bunny?
44:30You know,
44:31I just run till I'm hungry
44:32and then I stop for a bear claw.
44:38Why are you doing that?
44:39It's good to stretch
44:40your muscles before you run.
44:42All right.
44:43All right, let's start
44:44with a toe touch.
44:51Okay, you do it.
44:54I am doing it.
44:57Oh, wow.
44:58Good job.
44:59Okay, um,
45:00can you do this?
45:03We'll never know.
45:05Okay, let's just, uh,
45:06warm up on the run.
45:07Okay.
45:08Okay, let's go.
45:09Yeah, I've been reading up
45:10on biomechanics.
45:11I think you'll be surprised
45:12if I...
45:13Oh!
45:16Oh, my God.
45:17Are you okay?
45:18I think so.
45:19Let me help you up.
45:23Oh, Sheldon!
45:26If it makes you feel any better,
45:28Thursday is no longer
45:29Cruciferous Vegetable Night.
45:31Together in this car
45:33with my enhanced capabilities,
45:35we're like Knight Rider.
45:38Except in Knight Rider,
45:39the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
45:43You mock the sphincter,
45:44but the sphincter
45:46is a class of muscle
45:47without which human beings
45:48couldn't survive.
45:53There are over 50 different sphincters
45:55in the human body.
45:57How many can you name?
46:00I was wrong.
46:01This is exactly like Knight Rider.
46:04Perhaps you'd be interested
46:05in a different game.
46:06No!
46:07This is a photograph
46:08of the 1911 Solvay Conference
46:11on the theory of radiation
46:12and quanta.
46:13Using Photoshop,
46:14I've introduced
46:15a few anachronisms.
46:17See if you can spot all 24.
46:19I'll give you the first one.
46:21Madam Curie
46:22should not be wearing
46:23a digital watch.
46:26And go.
46:30That's it. Bye-bye.
46:35Bazinga!
46:38I have an override switch.
46:40I almost died!
46:42And I'm safe and sound in bed.
46:44Who's crazy now?
46:47I'm still gonna go with you.
46:52I'm not sure she's the best fit
46:54for our little,
46:55how shall we call it,
46:56Rebel Alliance.
46:57Oh!
46:58I never identified
46:59with the Rebel Alliance.
47:01Despite their tendency
47:02to build Death Stars,
47:03I've always been more
47:04of an Empire man.
47:07Yeah, not my point.
47:08I know what your point is.
47:09You're intimidated
47:10by Amy's intellect.
47:11To that I say,
47:12buck up.
47:14Okay, let me just
47:15get right to it.
47:16Amy is judgmental,
47:17sanctimonious,
47:18and frankly,
47:19just obnoxious.
47:23So?
47:25So we already have you
47:26for all that.
47:29Are you suggesting
47:30I terminate my relationship
47:31with Amy?
47:32No, no, of course not.
47:33Just have your relationship
47:34someplace else.
47:36It's called counterfactuals.
47:38We postulate an alternate world
47:39that differs from ours
47:40in one key aspect
47:41and then pose questions
47:42to each other.
47:43It's fun for ages 8 to 80.
47:45Join us.
47:47All right,
47:48I like a good brain teaser.
47:49Give it a whirl.
47:50You're in luck.
47:51This is an easy one.
47:52In a world
47:53where mankind is ruled
47:55by a giant,
47:56intelligent beaver,
47:58what food
47:59is no longer consumed?
48:01Uh...
48:03A BLT
48:04where the B stands for beaver?
48:08Leonard, be serious.
48:09We're playing a game here.
48:11I can figure this out.
48:12Let's see.
48:13Um...
48:14Well, beavers eat tree bark.
48:16The only tree bark I know
48:18that humans consume
48:19is cinnamon,
48:20so I'll say cinnamon.
48:21Incorrect.
48:22Obviously,
48:23the answer is cheese danish.
48:27What?
48:28In a world ruled
48:29by a giant beaver,
48:30mankind builds many dams
48:31to please the beaver overlord.
48:33The low-lying city
48:34of Copenhagen is flooded.
48:36Thousands die.
48:37Devastated,
48:38the Danes never invent
48:39their namesake pastry.
48:44How does one miss that?
48:47Ben.
48:53Surprise.
48:55Mom,
48:56what an unexpected pleasure.
48:58My, my,
48:59that's a powerful smell.
49:02I'd like you to meet
49:03Oppenheimer,
49:04Frisch,
49:05Panofsky,
49:06Feynman,
49:07Weiskopf.
49:08Yeah, I get it.
49:09You got a lot of cats
49:10and you gave them
49:11cute Jewish names.
49:12Cats make
49:13wonderful companions.
49:15They don't argue
49:16or question
49:17my intellectual authority.
49:19And this little guy here,
49:21I think you'll find
49:22to be quite...
49:23zazzy.
49:26You should have called sooner.
49:28Howard,
49:29if you want my help,
49:30I've got to know what happened.
49:31But it's embarrassing.
49:32Yeah,
49:33that's what I'm counting on.
49:34Spill.
49:36Okay, well,
49:37you know World of Warcraft?
49:39The online game?
49:40Sure.
49:41Did you know
49:42that the characters
49:43in the game
49:44can have sex
49:45with each other?
49:48Oh, God,
49:49I think I see
49:50where this is going.
49:52Her name was
49:53Glissinda the Troll.
49:57Bernadette walked in
49:58on me while we were
49:59doing the cyber-nasty
50:00under the Bridge of Souls.
50:03Oh, you're right.
50:04That is so embarrassing.
50:07Would you talk to her?
50:08Bernadette or the Troll?
50:12Bernadette.
50:13She was so mad at me
50:14she wouldn't even listen
50:15to my side of the story.
50:16Well, what was your side?
50:17Well, for all we know,
50:18Glissinda the Troll
50:19wasn't even a real woman.
50:20I mean,
50:21she could have been
50:22a 50-year-old truck driver
50:23in New Jersey.
50:25Really?
50:26And that didn't make her
50:27feel better?
50:28Spin class worked up
50:29quite a sweat.
50:35Joy, this is Leonard.
50:36Leonard, this is Joy.
50:37Hi.
50:38Hi.
50:39You don't look like a genius.
50:40Thanks, Mark.
50:41Time's up!
50:44Just kidding.
50:45First thing you need
50:46to know about me,
50:47I'm hilarious.
50:50Yeah.
50:52So Bernadette tells me
50:53she knows you
50:54from self-defense classes?
50:56Yeah, Israeli Krav Maga.
50:58Lots of fun.
50:59Basically,
51:00a hundred different ways
51:01to rip a guy's nuts off.
51:04Wow.
51:05Wouldn't think there'd be that many.
51:06Number 42?
51:07Whoa!
51:08Isn't she a pimp?
51:11Whoa!
51:16This lobster's good
51:17on the way down
51:18and the way up.
51:21Should be.
51:22It's $30 a pound.
51:24Hey,
51:25this is a date, right?
51:29Yep, it is.
51:3073!
51:31Whoa!
51:33Excuse me.
51:34I have to go
51:35to the little girls' room
51:36and take a wicked whiz.
51:39Oh, thank you.
51:40Fair warning,
51:41I had the asparagus.
51:42My pee
51:43is gonna stink up the place.
51:47That's okay.
51:48You can just sleep here.
51:49Oh, good.
51:50A slumber party.
51:51We'll do makeovers,
51:52initiate phony phone calls,
51:53and have spirited pillow fights
51:54in our frilly nighties.
51:57Oh, gosh, Amy.
51:58I don't know if I would call this
51:59an actual slumber party.
52:00Oh, that's disappointing.
52:01I've always wanted to be
52:02invited to a slumber party.
52:04You never were?
52:05Not even when you were a kid?
52:07Well, there was the time
52:08I had my tonsils out
52:09and I shared a room
52:10with a little Vietnamese girl.
52:13She didn't make it
52:14through the night,
52:15but up till then
52:16it was kind of fun.
52:19Okay, well,
52:20I guess we're having
52:21a slumber party.
52:22Oh!
52:25Pillow fight!
52:28Good thing I drew this up.
52:30What's that?
52:31I present to you
52:32the relationship agreement.
52:37A binding covenant
52:38that in its 31 pages
52:40enumerates, iterates,
52:41and codifies
52:42the rights and responsibilities
52:43of Sheldon Lee Cooper,
52:45here and after
52:46known as The Boyfriend,
52:47and Amy Farrah Fowler,
52:49here and after
52:50known as The Girlfriend.
52:54It's so romantic.
52:58Mutual indemnification
52:59always is.
53:03Why don't you start perusing
53:04while I set up
53:05my notary stamp?
53:09Section five,
53:10hand-holding.
53:11Hand-holding is only allowed
53:12under the following
53:13circumstances.
53:14A, either party
53:15is in danger of falling
53:16off a cliff, precipice,
53:17or ledge.
53:19B, either party
53:20is deserving of a
53:21hearty handshake
53:22after winning a Nobel Prize.
53:24C, moral support
53:25during flu shots.
53:30Seems a bit restrictive.
53:31Yeah, yeah,
53:32feel free to retain
53:33a lawyer.
53:35Hey, sweetheart.
53:36How's it going?
53:37Uh, not so good.
53:38We have to talk.
53:39Oh?
53:40Sounds serious.
53:41What's up?
53:43Okay, uh,
53:44here it is.
53:46I met this girl
53:47and I kissed her
53:48and I feel terrible about it,
53:49but it's done,
53:50it's never gonna happen again,
53:51and I am so, so sorry.
53:54No, no, relax.
53:55It's okay.
53:56It is?
53:57Yeah, these things happen.
53:59They happen to everybody.
54:01Oh, my God.
54:02You are amazing.
54:04I mean,
54:05I don't deserve you.
54:06What do you mean
54:07everybody?
54:11Leonard,
54:12I didn't know
54:13if I should tell you,
54:14but I kind of
54:15cheated on you, too.
54:17Kind of?
54:20A couple of weeks ago,
54:22I slept with my
54:23ex-boyfriend,
54:25so I guess we both
54:26messed up a little.
54:29No, no,
54:30I messed up a little,
54:31you messed up a lot.
54:34Well, it's not a competition.
54:36Oh, yeah, it is,
54:37and you won.
54:41Good morning, handsome.
54:44Morning, Mom.
54:49It's me.
54:53Yes, it is,
54:54and you're so pretty
54:55in the morning.
54:58Your mom and I
54:59made you breakfast.
55:00Wow.
55:01So you guys
55:02are getting along?
55:04Yeah, I guess.
55:05We're very different people,
55:06Howard,
55:07so communication's
55:08a little tricky.
55:09Does he like the pancakes?
55:11He didn't try them yet!
55:17Is there any butter?
55:18It's butter-flavored syrup.
55:20So, what's the word?
55:22He wants butter!
55:25It's butter-flavored syrup!
55:27I just told him that!
55:31What?
55:36I don't need any butter.
55:37If you want butter,
55:38I'll get you butter.
55:44Well, I guess I'll cut these
55:45by myself.
55:49Be sure to check the mail.
55:50How many times
55:51are you gonna tell me?
55:52What's with you?
55:53Nothing.
55:54It's not suspicious
55:55that I'm fixating.
55:56It's consistent
55:57with my personality.
55:59Right.
56:00Hey, guys.
56:01More Halloween candy?
56:02Didn't you just buy
56:03a bunch of it yesterday?
56:04Oh, yeah.
56:05That's gone.
56:08It's a rough month
56:09when Halloween and PMS
56:10hit at the same time.
56:13Leonard doesn't have
56:14time to chat.
56:15He has to get the mail.
56:16Will you relax?
56:17I'll get it in a minute.
56:18Hey, how was work?
56:19Open the mail!
56:21Excuse me.
56:29Couple of circulars.
56:30Nothing important.
56:32What's with him?
56:33Hang on.
56:45You might be from Texas,
56:46but I'm from New Jersey.
56:51Test my ringtone?
56:58That really is a good song.
56:59Oh, yeah.
57:00There's a reason
57:01he's Sir Elton John.
57:02They don't make you a knight
57:03for writing
57:04Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.
57:07Howard,
57:08are you coming down
57:09for breakfast?
57:10I told you
57:11I have a video conference
57:12with NASA.
57:13I said don't bother me.
57:14Oh, listen to
57:15Mr. Big Shot Astronaut.
57:17Yes, please listen
57:18to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut.
57:26Hey, good morning.
57:27Hey, Howard.
57:28Thanks for getting up so early.
57:30No problem, Dr. Massimino.
57:32The guys here call me Mass.
57:34Mass.
57:35That's a cool nickname
57:36because force equals
57:37mass times acceleration.
57:39Yeah.
57:40It's just short for Massimino.
57:45Anyway,
57:46the plan for this morning
57:47is to go over the...
57:48Sorry.
57:49My phone.
57:52What is that?
57:53Is that Rocket Man?
57:54Yeah, my ringtone.
57:55Kind of my favorite song,
57:56Rocket Man.
57:58Howard,
57:59your Froot Loops
58:00are getting soggy!
58:04Not now!
58:06Who's that?
58:07My mom.
58:08Sorry.
58:09No problem,
58:10Froot Loops.
58:13I...
58:14I am unlovable.
58:16That's just the booze talking.
58:18No.
58:19It's not.
58:20I haven't had a drink
58:21since last night.
58:27You're talking to me.
58:29I am.
58:32And I'm crying
58:33for a whole different reason!
58:39So,
58:40I guess what I'm saying is
58:41I get where Lucy's coming from.
58:43That's great.
58:44Do you want some wine?
58:45No, water's fine.
58:46Anyhow,
58:47I've been thinking about it a lot
58:49and I totally see
58:50why Lucy did what she did.
58:52I pushed too hard.
58:53But you know what?
58:54If I back off
58:55and give her enough space,
58:56maybe there's still
58:57a future for us.
58:58You know,
58:59the funny thing about life is
59:00that, you know,
59:01sometimes
59:02something you think
59:03is going to be good...
59:04Does he ever shut up?
59:05Then,
59:06it turns good again
59:07and that means
59:08it's better than
59:09if it had never been bad
59:10for a while.
59:11And now,
59:12things aren't good.
59:13They are, in fact,
59:14very, very bad.
59:15But,
59:16at least my heart
59:17is starting to heal.
59:18Slowly,
59:19but surely,
59:20how I cried,
59:21it was like a little...