Gogglebox S24 E12
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00I'm going to lift it out, Mary.
00:02Oh. Oh.
00:07OK, so basically what you've done here, Mary,
00:10is you've cooked one slice of bread.
00:12It's a completely new concept.
00:14So instead of baking a loaf of bread,
00:18you've baked a slice of bread.
00:20I wonder what went wrong. Stop it!
00:22You're a horrible man!
00:26Oh! No!
00:27Here we go. They've got him!
00:30What are you doing?
00:31Oh, she's a chicken nugget.
00:33Isn't it embarrassing, Marilyn?
00:37Oh, kiss.
00:38Oh, that's a bit forward.
00:39This is raunchy, isn't it?
00:40Ring on the bells.
00:42Yeah!
00:43Who's in for the finger this week, innit?
00:45Oh.
00:46It's so bad, it's actually good.
00:48It's actually good.
00:49What just happened?
00:50Siri, call Ofcom.
00:53In the weekend, Davey announced he was launching a bid
00:57we enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:00Catwalk Queens were doing their thing on BBC Three.
01:04We are giving you a soulful family duo is giving.
01:08Coke can here, we're just doing our rehearsal
01:11before the final show this evening.
01:13Remember when you dressed up as a woman?
01:16I have.
01:17And I was a man.
01:18That taxi driver tried to come on to me, didn't he?
01:21He did.
01:22God, you looked awful, didn't you?
01:26You had a fishtail dress on, didn't you, black?
01:29I thought I looked stunning.
01:31Well, he was taken by me, the taxi driver.
01:33Well, not when we...
01:35I was waiting at one point for an hand to come over on my knee.
01:38I thought, hello.
01:39A football legend was being a right country bumpkin on Discovery+.
01:43Before I wade in with my size 12s,
01:45I'm going to check in with the one person who knows what's what
01:48around here, a local oracle, Jan.
01:51What's an oracle?
01:52Like...
01:56You don't know, you're just going to guess.
01:58Like...
02:01Maintenance for the countryside?
02:08The head of the countryside?
02:10Yeah, is that what you want to say?
02:12That's what you want to say, innit?
02:16And campfire secrets were being shared on ITV1.
02:20I love scrambled egg.
02:21OK, scrambled egg technique.
02:23I put butter in the pan. That's the key.
02:26Who's your favourite this year?
02:28See, I like the girlies.
02:30Colleen's my winner already.
02:32She's stolen the hearts of the nation.
02:34Yeah, to be fair, I do like Colleen.
02:37But it does make you think, like, why is she with Wayne?
02:40You know.
02:43THEY LAUGH
02:51MUSIC
02:53In Wiltshire...
02:54There's something wrong with the dishwasher, Nutty.
02:56Not E45 again.
02:58E25.
02:59Could you tell me what model of dishwasher it is?
03:02Giles and his wife, Mary.
03:04We've had about...
03:05The name has worn off.
03:07..five different types of dishwasher.
03:10The first one was called Indesit.
03:12Stop wasting time.
03:13The next one was called...
03:14What does it say on that central knob?
03:16Ariston and on and on and on.
03:19Stop talking!
03:20Do you remember that one called Ariston and on and on?
03:23Oh, Giles, shut up.
03:24That was the advert.
03:25Now, don't talk, cos I'm going to ask Siri.
03:29What does E25 mean as a symbol on an Ariston Series 4?
03:34It's not an Ariston.
03:36You just read out the word Ariston.
03:38No, we had an Ariston about four...
03:40Why would you waste my time mentioning it?
03:42Four dishwashers ago, we had an Ariston.
03:44Cos I remember the advert, Mary.
03:46Ariston and on and on.
03:49On Monday night, it was fingers on buzzers on BBC Two.
03:53I'll be all right if it's primary school challenge.
03:56But not university. I didn't go.
04:00Did you want to go to university?
04:02Yeah, I would have liked to have gone.
04:04What would you have done?
04:05English and history.
04:06History?!
04:07You don't even know what you've had for breakfast.
04:10University challenge.
04:12I went for University of Hertfordshire.
04:14We were never ever going to qualify for university challenge.
04:17Julie is the smartest in our family. You're definitely not, I'm sorry.
04:20You like to think you are, but you're not.
04:22Are you OK?
04:23You're not the smartest, I'm sorry.
04:25Did you get a first in uni or did I?
04:27The two teams returning tonight both lost their opening games.
04:30This is it, man, North versus South.
04:32I got my money on Durham, you know.
04:34But scored enough points in doing so to earn themselves
04:37one more shot at qualifying for the second round.
04:40So it's the losers' match?
04:41It's the losers' round, yeah.
04:43You've got one last chance, smarty nerds.
04:46Let's start the question now.
04:47Right.
04:48Right, here we go.
04:49Argentina has 23, Pakistan has four.
04:52What are we talking about?
04:53What?
04:54Has he started with the questions? I didn't even know he started.
04:56The People's Republic of China administers 22 and Canada has 10.
05:00What are they talking about, Ron?
05:02Um, regions?
05:03States.
05:04Provinces.
05:06So has Hesler.
05:07Provinces.
05:08It is provinces, well done.
05:10Woo-hoo-hoo!
05:11Dave's on fire!
05:12First one out of the bag, he's in!
05:14Oh!
05:15I was going to say water parks.
05:17What probability distribution is the continuous analogue
05:20of the geometric distribution?
05:22That went over my head already.
05:24That's not hard, but...
05:25Yeah.
05:26Jeez.
05:27It reminds me of my maths exam where I go...
05:29What?
05:30It has a particular memoryless property,
05:32such that the time for an event to occur
05:35is not conditional on any time that has already passed.
05:40Shut up.
05:42Three o'clock.
05:43A black hole.
05:44Poisson.
05:45Poisson?
05:46Poisson, that's what you have for breakfast.
05:50No, it's exponential distribution.
05:52Oh, I knew that.
05:54Damn it.
05:55That's some Albert Einstein talk, I don't know what's going on there.
05:58The exponential distribution with parameter t...
06:00Is this a new question?
06:01Oh, I know this.
06:02..when its shape parameter is set to one
06:05and its rate parameter is set to t.
06:08Egg timer.
06:09Time, time.
06:10Circle.
06:11Circle.
06:12I was just thinking circle.
06:15Poisson.
06:16I was going poisson again.
06:17I thought that was the buzzword to say your answer.
06:20Poisson.
06:22No, it's the gamma distribution.
06:24Oh, it's a gamma distribution.
06:25Oh, it was on the tip of me tongue, Jenny.
06:27Can we poisson to the other team, please?
06:29Cos I don't know the answer.
06:31Poisson.
06:32Finally, the exponential distribution
06:34is the distribution of the time between events...
06:36Yeah.
06:37..in what other discrete probability distribution?
06:39The distribution of some distribution
06:41is a distribution of what distribution?
06:43The constant mean rate symbolised by the parameter lambda.
06:47Poisson.
06:48Is it poisson?
06:50Poisson.
06:51He's going poisson again.
06:53Let's hope it's right this time.
06:55Fuck it, they'll try, try and try again, this lad, innit?
06:58Got there in the end.
07:00Oh, poisson!
07:01You got it right.
07:02I did.
07:03You said poisson.
07:04It's the same.
07:06Picture round now.
07:07Pictures, get in there, what's that?
07:09For your picture starter,
07:10you'll see the name of a vegetable in various languages.
07:13You should know this, Jane.
07:14Come on, you lot must know, you lot are chefs, man.
07:16Come on.
07:17Give me its single-word English name.
07:20Ah, turnip.
07:21Turnip.
07:22Yeah, I think you're right, turnip.
07:23Um, cabba, cabba, cabbage?
07:26Durham ansel.
07:27Come on, ansel.
07:28Rhubarb.
07:29No.
07:30That's not a vegetable.
07:31Yes, it is.
07:32It isn't, rhubarb's a stick.
07:35So, ansel.
07:36Cabbage.
07:37No, it's turnip.
07:38That's what I know.
07:39Yes.
07:40Did I say turnip?
07:41Yeah.
07:42Did I say turnip?
07:43Who orders turnip?
07:44I've never ordered turnip in Spain.
07:46Have you?
07:47No, it's a full...
07:48It's a full English.
07:50Your picture bonuses are the names of three more culinary vegetables
07:54in languages other than English.
07:56We must be able to do this, Jane, we must be able to.
07:59Things are going my way now.
08:01Oh, noblanche.
08:03Noblanche.
08:04I'm going to say garlic.
08:05Oh, no, this is garlic.
08:07That's garlic.
08:08Garlic.
08:09Yes.
08:10Garlic.
08:11Yay!
08:12I knew I loved garlic.
08:13Yeah, and you like a noblanche, don't you?
08:19In Blackpool...
08:20Mum was helping me decorate the loft the other day.
08:22I reckon Mum was decorating the loft.
08:24I love this.
08:25Well, I was passing the tools.
08:26You use Mum as all the free labour.
08:28It pisses me off.
08:30It pisses me off, this.
08:32Pete and his little sister Sophie.
08:34I had her decorating the loft, I was helping.
08:38And, you know, because the roof slopes like that,
08:40she was doing a bit in the corner.
08:43And she smacked her head off one of the beams
08:45and then smacked her face on the chest of drawers.
08:48And I just burst out laughing in her face.
08:51That's what happens, though, when you do stuff for free.
08:53Felt terrible.
08:55Anyway, stop using Mum all the time here.
08:57She's got my shed roof to felt.
09:00This week, things were hotting up on RuPaul's Runway on the BBC.
09:05Are you ready to slay a queen? Eh?
09:08Do you know, Lee, I used to think this,
09:10when I first saw this advertised, I thought it was about cars.
09:14It takes a lot of effort to be a drag queen.
09:16Oh, it can never be me.
09:18All the make-up they put on, it's like, oh!
09:20Yeah, not going to lie, I had to learn about the tuck-in process.
09:24Oh, yeah.
09:25Yeah, that was the most interesting part.
09:27I was so shocked. I was like, damn!
09:35Don't forget, when we were growing up, I was the original drag queen.
09:38I would dress up as Jenny whenever we did the plays, do you remember?
09:42You were Jenny. Yeah.
09:44There were three girls. Why did we need another girl?
09:47You, Julie and Sarah, and then me as Jenny.
09:52We did that for years. I love that pink dress.
09:55Good morning, queens. All right, pal.
09:59In the programme, Ru surprised the contestants
10:02by bringing in members of their family to the workroom.
10:05And the was-dad, Richard.
10:10Oh, it's Daddy. Oh!
10:17Oh, everybody's crying.
10:19They haven't seen each other for ages.
10:21We all know that the unconditional love
10:24of family is a gift.
10:26It is indeed a gift I've never known.
10:29I would pay money to see Mum do something like this.
10:32Look at that! It's so funny.
10:35Tomorrow on the main stage,
10:37we'll be looking for a strong drag family resemblance.
10:40Oh, so they need to make it look like themselves.
10:43Do I need these on?
10:48Now, the thing is, you shouldn't laugh.
10:52You shouldn't laugh.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:56It's like, even your wig...
10:59Who do you look like? You remind me of...
11:02Oh, it's even worse.
11:04Oh, it's transformed him. What are you changing him into?
11:07Ronald McDonald, I think. It's Ronald McDonald.
11:10Is Richard tucking? Is Richard what?
11:13Don't they shove it up their bum or something?
11:16Up their bum? You know, put it that way.
11:18Well, no, I would have thought a little bit of sellotape or something
11:21but, no, they shove it up there.
11:23Obviously, it means when you wear something quite skin-tight in drag,
11:26you've got to tuck your bits away. Right.
11:28Tracy must be pretty well-endowed, eh?
11:30Well, yeah. Could you do that?
11:32No. It would be a great honour.
11:34Have you tried? Yeah.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:42That was good, wasn't it?
11:44LAUGHTER
11:50What the hell is this?
11:52What's this? It's a catwalk.
11:57That's amazing, whoever that is.
11:59You could look like that, see if you put the...
12:02Oh, don't you?
12:04Racers, start your engines and may the best drag queen win.
12:08And may the best drag queen win.
12:11Come on, then, Rich. Let's see what you've got to offer.
12:14I can't wait to see his dad.
12:16Up first, La Voix and Voila.
12:21God! Wow!
12:23Wow!
12:24Oh, my goodness, that can't be true.
12:27Is that the old man?
12:29Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
12:32I mean, they do look like the Ugly Stepsisters out of a pantomime.
12:35Yeah. But how cool.
12:37Voila and La Voix, hand in hand.
12:40That is extraordinary.
12:42And, in fact, he looks quite attractive, I thought.
12:45Who would have thought?
12:47Now, this was Richard before.
12:50And look at Voila now.
12:54Woo-wee!
12:55I feel like that suits him more. Yes.
12:58Like, I think that should just be him now from day to day.
13:01I do feel so different.
13:03I can't explain, but it's a wonderful feeling.
13:06Oh, bless him. He's liberating, isn't he?
13:08I thought it was a transformation
13:11that I felt it's a privilege being gay.
13:14Aw!
13:15I'm 78 years old.
13:17Aw, bless you.
13:19And I hope I'm setting an example for other parents
13:23who should equally love their child,
13:25irrespective of gender or anything.
13:28Aw!
13:29I agree!
13:31I agree!
13:33Voila, that's pretty awesome, isn't it?
13:35I didn't see that coming.
13:37I'm proud of his son, isn't he, love?
13:39Doesn't matter, like you said.
13:41Lovely, lovely man.
13:43Beautiful.
13:48Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
13:50I feel that that's how life should be. Mm-hm.
13:52A lot of love, a little shade. Yeah.
13:54All you put colour. Yes.
13:55You know what they say, don't knock until you've tried it.
13:58Aye, and that's true, innit?
14:00You got a nice little number up there for me, shall we?
14:03Yeah.
14:04Something in black?
14:05If you had to do drag like that, you could be Caravan.
14:09Oh, God!
14:12Caravan. Caravan.
14:16Oh, and you could be Portaloo.
14:18Portaloo!
14:22Portaloo!
14:24HE LAUGHS
14:34Boys, I'm thinking of changing my hairstyle.
14:36I was looking at a photo, a very old photo of mine,
14:39and when you used to have a middle parting, almost,
14:42and a moustache as well, it looked so sleazy, that.
14:45Sleazy? Yeah.
14:47Like an old porn star or something.
14:50Oh, my God!
14:52The Siddiquis.
14:55Like this.
14:56And that gave me an idea, I thought,
14:58why don't I change this to this?
15:00You look like a different man.
15:02Yeah, you've never had your hair done like that?
15:04Yeah, but it looks, it benefits, I'll tell you why.
15:07Because when you're receding, it covers all that.
15:10And when you're colouring bits of it as well, it doesn't matter.
15:14You can't see the roots anyway.
15:15Oh, so you're hiding it, yeah.
15:17And it also looks thicker as well, doesn't it?
15:19You look like a different man.
15:21Yeah, I look like that character, Canfile, brother Canfile.
15:25With that fighting monk.
15:27On Friday, our favourite daytime duo
15:30had the usual mix of this and that on ITV.
15:33Lee, I can smell burning.
15:35Oh, it's only your toast.
15:37Oh.
15:38It'll put hairs on your chest anyway.
15:40Oh, I can't eat that, fricking hell.
15:42So Friday's done with Nellis and Joss.
15:44Hmm.
15:46And the other couple are called...?
15:48Eamon and Ruth, I think.
15:52No, maybe it's that cool young couple
15:55and the girl's tall and blonde and the man's greedy.
15:58The stress of the festive period is really getting to you.
16:01If you're looking for new ways to decompress after work,
16:04we've got just the thing.
16:05I'm always looking for new ways to decompress after work.
16:08Like to decompress before work.
16:10We've wanted to do this for ages.
16:12I've been wanting to try a soundbath for absolutely ages.
16:15We love soundbaths!
16:16I've just booked a floating soundbath.
16:18Oh, my gosh!
16:19This sounds like something you would be into.
16:21No, this sounds like you.
16:22Cos you're like one of them crystal guys.
16:24No, man, you're exfoliating King right here, blood.
16:26Helping us get in the mood this morning,
16:28none other than Charlotte Church,
16:30showing us how to leave the ill behind and get a bit more zen.
16:33Charlotte Church, she's come out of the bloody woodwork, hasn't she?
16:36Oh, we haven't seen her for ages.
16:39I'd love you to have you with us for Johnny as well.
16:41Hiya, Johnny. Hi, Johnny.
16:43Oh, is that Charlotte's husband?
16:45You arse girl!
16:46We've been working together for a very long time. Have you?
16:48Yes.
16:49Is he going to play a tune on that brave case?
16:51Yeah, it's been quite a journey for us both.
16:54Oh, she's gone all woo-woo.
16:56Everyone's on a journey these days, Mary.
16:58We're going on a journey to Norfolk.
17:00Yeah. I'm very worried about her.
17:02You'll be fine.
17:04We normally lie down.
17:05Yeah, so you'd generally be lying down.
17:07Here we go.
17:08I have to tell them to twice, look.
17:10We can't do the full thing.
17:11I'm just going to...
17:12Cos it's tele-show biz.
17:14Right, get comfy for this.
17:15Get on your rugs.
17:17Listen, if you're at home, just relax now.
17:19This is going to be two minutes of relaxation.
17:21Absolutely.
17:22I'm ready.
17:23Alison, I'm gone.
17:26Both everybody in the studio and those at home.
17:29Oh, she's just warming the rim up there.
17:31Has it started?
17:32Maybe just start to deepen your breath.
17:35And if you can...
17:38..just tune in to this sound.
17:40Oh, that's putting my teeth on edge.
17:42Is that the tinnitus or is it happening?
17:45SHE SINGS
17:47Oh, she's going to sing as well, Mary.
17:49Oh, my goodness.
17:54Oh, that sounds nice.
17:56I'm not going to lie, I feel like I'm in a Disney movie or something.
18:01Oh, I wouldn't be able to lie there listening to this, would you, love?
18:05It sounds like a ghost.
18:06Fucking Casper the ghost.
18:08Doesn't it?
18:09SHE SINGS
18:12SHE SINGS
18:14Oh...
18:15Alison's going. Alison's juggling.
18:19Look at Alison, she's gone. Alison's in fits.
18:21What a shame, Alison's too immature to appreciate it.
18:26SHE SINGS
18:33You always get one, don't you?
18:35Alison Hammond, Behave.
18:37SHE SINGS
18:42Oh, what's she do? She's got a wind chime, Alison.
18:44She's got a wind chime.
18:45SHE SINGS
18:49Alison's got the giggles.
18:51Charlotte's beaten her at her own game. Respect.
18:54Oh, I think... Do you know what was throwing me?
18:57It was you singing.
18:58SHE GASPS
19:00That's one harsh.
19:02No, I thought it was just gongs.
19:03When I went for my gong-bath-cum-tarot-reading combo...
19:07Who did that to you?
19:08..she didn't start going...
19:11You wouldn't want to go around to her house, would you?
19:13Now, we've got music on tonight.
19:15Yeah, we've got... It's me and Johnny.
19:17Johnny's on the suitcase and I'm on the...
19:20I'm on the ball, the mixing ball.
19:24In Bristol...
19:26Have you seen this trend on social media?
19:28It's like a dance move that everyone's doing.
19:30You stand like that and then one person puts their foot there
19:33and you pull them up. Have you seen it?
19:35Nah. I want to try it.
19:37Train, Twain and Tristan.
19:39Ready?
19:41Oh!
19:44I told you! It's not that...
19:46It's not as easy as it looks.
19:54Yeah, he did it!
19:56Yeah!
19:59He done it, though.
20:01This week, our favourite ball-kicking hard man
20:04is back in the countryside on Discovery+.
20:07All right, chill? All right, trickle?
20:09What? All right.
20:11All right. Bit of vinny, innit?
20:13Oh, right. I wondered what he was doing there.
20:16Bit of decking, bit of diving, you know.
20:23He'd only just bought the farm, hadn't he, on the last sale?
20:26Yes, yes. So I wonder how he's got on with it.
20:28He looks the part, though. I like him, mate.
20:30I never used to.
20:32Didn't he?
20:34No, when he grabbed Gascar's balls, I thought,
20:36ooh, is there any need for that?
20:38Well, he was only playing money.
20:40What, playing with somebody's balls?
20:44This is why I bought the farm.
20:50Oh! Lovely. Look at that.
20:52That is gorgeous, that, innit?
20:54I know. It's like a postcard.
20:56For this wildlife to do really well,
20:58you know, the locals have got to realise,
21:01you know, we're trying to encourage wildlife, you know?
21:03God, man, he's properly protecting nature, isn't he? Yeah.
21:06He's bothering him that people are leaving the footpath
21:08and bothering the geese.
21:09You've gone from two-footing people
21:11to flipping telling people to stay on the footpath.
21:13Stay off the grass!
21:16Look at him down here.
21:18It's fucking private land.
21:20Oh!
21:21Bramblers.
21:23Have a picnic. Go on, crack on.
21:26Keep your cool, Vinny. Keep your cool.
21:28To be fair, you would be gutted
21:30if you had stumbled on some nice oasis for a picnic
21:32and then you found out it was Vinny Jones's land
21:34and you got verbally abused.
21:36Hi.
21:37Are we in your way?
21:39Are we in your way? Why have you stopped?
21:41No, I live here.
21:43Oh!
21:44I've got a feeling this is going to get a bit chaste.
21:46Yes!
21:47He probably wants to tell us that he doesn't think it's a footpath.
21:50I haven't said anything.
21:52I haven't said... There's the footpath there.
21:54Oh, it's passive-aggressive. It's passive-aggressive.
21:56And Vinny's normally aggressive-aggressive.
21:58Let's see, let's see. There's a showdown with the Ramblers.
22:01This is, um...
22:02How are you doing? ...access land.
22:04How are you doing?
22:05Let's not start that. It's private land, you know it is.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:09Well, I've got to be honest, if Vinny said it was private,
22:12I'd say, yeah, it's private, Vin.
22:14We go in now.
22:15Yeah, we're off.
22:16It is access land.
22:17It's private land. Let's not start that.
22:19Listen here, cupcake, I'll snap you in half if you carry on.
22:22Yeah.
22:23You look who the cameras are here, sir.
22:25And we've got nesting birds.
22:27I've got a kingfisher just started in this lake.
22:29He knows what he's got, wildlife-wise.
22:31I should hope so. He owns it.
22:33And the only thing that can put it off is humans.
22:35The way you look at it is,
22:36would you have someone wandering around your back garden?
22:38No, I'd be out with a cricket bat.
22:40Exactly.
22:41They just walk over your ground, it's nuts.
22:44They're just cutting right across the corner
22:46where all the nesting birds are, look.
22:48Oh, no.
22:49After he's told them off.
22:51I would not have been as nice as he was to them.
22:53Listen, I'll be a total scrooge.
22:55I'll literally sit there on my lawn chair
22:58just waiting for people going,
23:00where do you think you're going?
23:03At the other lake, I'm desperate for some special visitors.
23:07The kingfishers.
23:09Oh, they're so pretty.
23:10You loved the kingfisher, didn't you?
23:12I do.
23:13If we can get a nice, polite sign to say...
23:16Landmines.
23:19That might work.
23:20Soon puts them off.
23:22We're not being horrible, protect our kingfishers.
23:25Walkers, please stick to the path to protect our king.
23:28That's fair enough.
23:29There's nothing wrong with that.
23:31Can't be better than that, can it?
23:33No, if people ignore that, he's got the right to shoot them.
23:38Well, I wouldn't go that far then.
23:40No? Oh, all right, then.
23:49In Manchester...
23:50You know, like, we got the new microwave, Tom?
23:53Yeah.
23:54There was a recipe for a banana cake.
23:56It's our major one.
23:57Oh, Julie! What?
23:59Look, it stretches.
24:00That's not right, is it?
24:01The Malones.
24:03Here you are, Tim.
24:04Do you want to taste a bit?
24:06That's the cake you baked, innit?
24:08Your dog won't eat it.
24:14She thinks it's a chew toy.
24:15Here you are, Bob, do you want to try a bit?
24:18Oh, he spat it out!
24:20Bob spits nothing out.
24:22He spat it out!
24:23On Friday night, the beats of the jungle drums
24:26could mean only one thing.
24:28I'm a celeb, are you ready?
24:30Get me out of here.
24:31Thank you for not putting any kangaroos bottom in my drink.
24:34Well, I thought about it.
24:35I'm fresh out of them at the moment, though.
24:37My house feels like I'm a celebrity at the moment.
24:40Them spiders are hench.
24:43I'll tell you who they could get for this programme, Nottie.
24:46Who's got a...
24:47Who's unemployed at the moment.
24:49Who's that?
24:50The Archbishop of Canterbury.
24:52Ah!
24:55Oh!
24:56Reverend Richard!
24:57There he is, the man, Reverend Richard Coles.
25:00Praise the Lord!
25:02He was a member of a pop group called...
25:05Girls Aloud?
25:06Girls Aloud, that's it.
25:07How are you? Hi!
25:08How are you?
25:09Nice to see you.
25:10We're great.
25:11Right, so the Reverend and Moira have been living in the junkyard
25:15which the other campmates think is hell, they think it's terrible,
25:19but actually it's luxury.
25:21In a moment, two celebs from main camp are going to come down
25:25and take part in this trial, the High Street of Horrors.
25:28Oh, no!
25:29That's any high street, that is, with the prices they charge a day.
25:33I know.
25:34What you have to do is convince them.
25:37You've already taken on this shop, the Deadly Department Store,
25:40to try and win two stars, which were for your dinner tonight,
25:44but you failed.
25:45You did terribly.
25:46You didn't win the stars.
25:47Oh, you were awful.
25:48And you failed and you're going to starve tonight, OK?
25:51Oh!
25:52Oh, they're going to lie!
25:54They're going to lie again.
25:55Yeah.
25:56God, they're good at lying, aren't they?
25:58Aren't they just?
25:59Never trust a vicar.
26:00OK, well, we have to make it look real, don't we?
26:02Yeah, we do.
26:03Exactly.
26:04They've got props.
26:05They've got props for their lie.
26:06So it looks as though they've done the trial, but they haven't.
26:08Yes.
26:11Dean and Danny, Mary.
26:12Friends!
26:14Welcome.
26:15You've got to fake it.
26:16This is great.
26:17They look so measurable.
26:19They do.
26:20They've done a good job, by the way.
26:21So you've already done the trial?
26:22We've done this one, yeah.
26:23And how was it?
26:24It was interesting.
26:26You know, he's a man of the cross, lying through his teeth.
26:29Money talks, Simon.
26:31I'd really shit them all.
26:32It was terrible.
26:33She's been bitten by a snake.
26:35Yeah.
26:36And after Dean had screamed his way through another trial...
26:39Come on!
26:40No, I hear them!
26:41Face your fear!
26:42I hear them!
26:43I hear them!
26:44Oh, stop flapping!
26:45Come on!
26:48Oh, shit, you know.
26:50...Ant and Dec had a surprise in store.
26:53We've got some not-so-good news.
26:56Oh, God.
26:57What, what?
26:58One of you has to leave main camp and move in to the junkyard.
27:04But this is a result.
27:05You want to go to the other camp, but they don't realise it.
27:07They don't know that.
27:09Oh, they choose.
27:11Oh!
27:12Dean needs to go in there, man,
27:14cos he needs to live life of luxury, man.
27:16Dean.
27:17Dean?
27:18Yeah.
27:19Are you sure?
27:20I don't think Dean wants to, no.
27:22Danny's like, are you sure?
27:24Push him forward, push him forward.
27:26You'll be staying there until further notice.
27:29Oh, his little face, he doesn't look so cool, does he?
27:33He's got the shock of his life now when he goes in there.
27:37Oh, wow.
27:38Oh, wow.
27:39Are you with him?
27:40Oh, wow.
27:41It's a shithole.
27:42The only half-decent thing we have...
27:44Oh, yeah.
27:45..over here, so this red button...
27:48Right.
27:49Oh, it's the button, the red button.
27:51They're going to do the big reveal.
27:52Press that.
27:53Yeah, go on, you press it.
27:54It's actually quite interesting.
27:55Is it?
27:56Yeah, well, it's not great, but it's something.
27:58I can't wait to see this.
27:59I can't wait to see Dean's face.
28:01Oh, watch him.
28:02Watch the bed come down, watch the bed come down.
28:06HE LAUGHS
28:08Look at Dean's face.
28:11He's, like, mind-blown.
28:13Like, wow, what, you've got a bed?
28:15It's a bed, a proper bed.
28:17You've got to be kidding me.
28:19Wait, we're not finished.
28:21There's more, there's more.
28:23Would you like a juice?
28:25She's got a fridge.
28:27Bubble bath?
28:28Bubble bath.
28:29A hot bubble bath?
28:30Yes.
28:31Oh, yeah.
28:32Dean is a very happy man.
28:34I think he feels like he's died and gone to heaven.
28:36Do you have to bath in front of people, though?
28:39I wouldn't want the Reverend watching me in a bath.
28:41We've not been in hell, we've been in luxury.
28:44Yeah, you're lying.
28:45Twat's the pair, are you?
28:47Oh, aren't they?
28:48How many Hail Marys for the Reverend?
28:50I know.
28:51No, I couldn't be doing it, I couldn't be eating.
28:54The trials, the eating trials are the worst, aren't they?
28:57Camel's dick and all that, Jesus.
28:59I know.
29:01Can you imagine trying to eat an anus?
29:03No, I cannot.
29:07In Wiltshire...
29:08OK, tell me about changing your name by deed poll, Mary.
29:12I don't know, but I know lots of criminals do it.
29:15I think Rick is going to replace Giles, Mary.
29:18Giles and his wife, Mary.
29:20Oh, it could be good for you to have an alter ego.
29:23Yeah, and then Rick is going to be the Christian name
29:27and then Berner Wood is going to be Berner hyphen Wood,
29:33so it's a double-barrel name.
29:35Rick Berner Wood.
29:37As in Bunsen burner.
29:39No, not Rick Bunsen Berner Wood.
29:43No.
29:44Just Berner, Rick Berner Wood.
29:46Not Bunsen, not Bunsen anything.
29:49You can be called Mary Bunsen Wood if you want.
29:54I think Bunsen Berner Wood would be more catchy as a name.
29:58All right, then.
30:04It's police interceptor, so get your stinger out.
30:09Napkin.
30:10Do you know what the French...
30:14..pronunciation of a police siren is?
30:16What?
30:17Pam-pong, pam-pong, pam-pong, pam-pong, pam-pong...
30:21Stop it.
30:26Homie, you know that you were on an episode of Police Interceptors?
30:29I was in the background, yeah.
30:30Whilst the police were interviewing someone.
30:32Not aiding and abetting a felony.
30:34He was walking past with a shopping bag.
30:36Yeah.
30:37In the programme, we joined a couple of coppers out on patrol.
30:41There's been an RTC.
30:43RTC.
30:44Road traffic collision.
30:46A white Fiesta has stacked into a taxi right in front of Toby.
30:50Right in front of the police.
30:52Seen in the distance,
30:53Toby leans in and talks to the driver, who then takes off.
30:57Oh, the driver's taken off.
30:58Oh, dear.
30:59Where?
31:00There's a white Fiesta, November, Juliet, failed to stop at that RTC.
31:03Do you think he's trying to get away?
31:05Well, look, he put his hazards on.
31:07Yeah, that's very considerate.
31:09The runaway's upping the danger level.
31:11It's gone lights out, wrong way down a one-way street.
31:14Wrong way down a one-way street?
31:16I've done that once.
31:17Have you?
31:18Accidentally.
31:19And the cops can't carry on and put the public at risk.
31:22Oh, they can't chase back.
31:23Yeah, yeah, certainly you have to abort when it starts getting...
31:26Too dangerous.
31:27Yeah.
31:28The whole team's looking for the runaway, whose Fiesta's been spotted.
31:31They've got the car.
31:32Abandoned.
31:33Ditch the car.
31:34He's on foot.
31:35The runner's already given two interceptors the slip.
31:38Across the road onto Holland Street.
31:40Oh, there he is!
31:41Go, go, go, go, go!
31:42Turn right, right, right, right, right!
31:44Just run him over.
31:47I would.
31:49Looks like he's done it again.
31:51We've lost him again.
31:52Do you think it's highlighted a training need within the police force?
31:55Maybe.
31:56Like the gym?
31:57Yeah.
31:58This is just, like, never-ending, isn't it?
32:00I'm surprised the police wanted this one to be aired.
32:02But the invisible man did leave one clue.
32:05Oh.
32:06Oh, he left a clue.
32:07His Fiesta, which is being searched by local cops...
32:10Go on, what's he left in the car?
32:11He's got his driver's licence.
32:13..who have discovered...
32:14God!
32:15..his driving licence.
32:16Oh, my dear.
32:17You might as well just go and hand yourself in.
32:18Yeah.
32:19Dickhead.
32:21..and there's been a development.
32:23Oh, what's the development now?
32:24What's going on now?
32:25Is he in a boat?
32:26Right, look out for a hot air balloon in the sky.
32:28Yeah!
32:29Their runaway has called the cops to report his Fiesta stolen.
32:33Oh!
32:34Oh, the crafty twats.
32:36Oh, aye!
32:38Perfect.
32:39They'll never, they'll never suss it.
32:41A bit later, the cops had caught up with the suspect outside his house.
32:45Water.
32:46It takes less than 15 minutes for the suspect to arrive from town in a taxi.
32:51From town in a taxi.
32:53How you doing?
32:54How are you?
32:55Not bad.
32:56We haven't found your car.
32:58Oh, he wants to shake hands.
32:59We're just going to get one of our colleagues to...
33:01LAUGHTER
33:03Yeah, yeah.
33:04Parker!
33:05LAUGHTER
33:07Leaving Rich to chat to the suspect, Paul grabs a word with the cabbie.
33:10How are you?
33:11Where have you just picked him up from?
33:13What?
33:14Just...
33:15Two streets behind.
33:17LAUGHTER
33:18Oh, two streets behind. Oh, my days.
33:21He's got much already.
33:22Pants sold fine, has he?
33:24Come on, that guy's Uber rating is going to go down, isn't it, for his estimation?
33:27LAUGHTER
33:28He still claims his car was crashed by the guy who stole it.
33:32Yeah, a black guy got into it.
33:34Yeah.
33:35Well, we think it's you.
33:36Me?
33:37Me!
33:38Me?
33:39What?
33:40LAUGHTER
33:41So he's going to make sure that he's happy that it is you.
33:43Oh, he's going to get ID'd by Toby here.
33:46Don't leave him hanging, Toby.
33:48You all right, buddy? Yeah.
33:49You're under arrest at the minute.
33:51LAUGHTER
33:52Can't lie, he had to shake hands.
33:54He basically stepped the handcuffs on him.
33:56It's horrible when you try to shake someone's hand and then they arrest you.
33:59The cops were unable to prove Mr Elusive was behind the wheel.
34:02Oh, he got away with it, then.
34:05And received no charge for the alleged offences of failing to stop
34:08at the scene of an accident, dangerous driving
34:11and failing to stop before police.
34:13That's mad, that.
34:14That is crazy, isn't it?
34:16That is... You couldn't make that up.
34:18Yeah.
34:19He got away completely, got done for nothing.
34:21Oh, my, he must have had a good solicitor.
34:24Do you think you could be a police officer?
34:26I don't want to have to walk about a lot.
34:29I'd be one on a mobility scooter.
34:31And I don't mind the uniform, I think I'd look quite good in that.
34:34And I think I'd be quite good at...
34:36Shall I answer? Shall I ask you?
34:38Go on!
34:39So, I've got quite into my new career.
34:41You have, haven't you? I'm enjoying it. You pipe down.
34:43I'll have you interrupting a police officer mid-conversation.
34:48I think the power would go to your head, Solomon.
34:59What are you doing?
35:01I was trying to get your attention because I have had a facial
35:04and you haven't noticed.
35:06I have noticed.
35:07People just don't like to compliment you too much
35:09because your head gets too big.
35:11Best friends Danielle and Daniella.
35:13You are glowing. Thank you, thank you.
35:15You can definitely tell that you've had all of your facial hair shaved off.
35:19I swear to God, I look like Rick Ross.
35:22On Tuesday night, our favourite animal fixers
35:25were heading north of the border on Channel 5.
35:28I always wanted to be a vet when I was younger.
35:30That's nice. Yeah.
35:31Cool. A bit difficult, though, wasn't it?
35:33Yeah, a bit too hard.
35:34Can I tell you one thing about the Yorkshire vet?
35:37You never see them paying.
35:43Hurry it along to the Highlands.
35:45It must be ranching out to Scotland. Yeah.
35:47Many years since I've been to Scotland.
35:49Oh, because you won't go each year?
35:51Well, it's the Scottish dancing that puts me off, Mary.
35:54If you can get me an invitation to say
35:56that I can be excluded from Scottish reeling, I will come.
36:00Do they all walk around, like, in kilts or no?
36:04Some fucking braveheart, you.
36:06I'm heading to a place called Thurzo,
36:09which is Britain's most northerly town.
36:12Christ, I bet he set off three weeks ago, so he's got the beers.
36:16Yeah.
36:17Wonder what animals he'll have at bay?
36:19The Loch Ness, innit?
36:21What, the Loch Ness monster?
36:23Well, aye, that's in Scotland, innit?
36:25It's Julian's first visit to the Thurzo practice in nearly 30 years.
36:29Oh, he started off there as a young man.
36:32Did he?
36:33Julian's donning the waterproofs again.
36:37Here we go.
36:38Oh, it's about to get sticky.
36:40Farmer Dougie has just rushed to the Thurzo practice with his ewe.
36:44That's a massive sheep, that.
36:46Oh, what sort were you, you? What sort were you?
36:48Whose labour has turned into a desperate emergency.
36:51Oh, no.
36:52So Julian's offered to help.
36:54Has he got something sticking out his bum?
36:56I think she's having a baby.
36:58No, she's not having a baby. What's she having?
37:00A lamb.
37:01A lamb?
37:02Yeah.
37:03Is he not alive?
37:05It's very, very cold, the head.
37:07Oh, dear.
37:08Oh, it might not be alive.
37:10Oh, the poor thing.
37:11Do you know what's happened there?
37:13I've seen these programmes before, it should have come both feet first.
37:16It's a big head, isn't it?
37:18That was mum when she was giving birth to Callie.
37:20Yeah, for sure.
37:21That's a big-ass head that had to fit through that.
37:23His head was huge when he was a kid.
37:25It was huge.
37:26He's got a swallow reflex, so he's still alive.
37:29He's still alive?
37:30He's still alive! Come on, baby!
37:32Oh.
37:34He'll have brain damage, but that wouldn't matter for a sheep.
37:37Cos they're not that intelligent to start with.
37:39Well, not that, but if they're just going to be eaten...
37:42So what I'm going to try and do at the moment
37:44is see if I can push this one leg back a little bit.
37:47Oh!
37:48Oh, my God.
37:50That poor mother.
37:51Oh, yeah, push it back in and try again, different angle,
37:54bit like when you're trying to get the sofa up the stairs.
37:57We need to get that leg back in and probably the head back in as well.
38:01Oh!
38:02Ay caramba, I can't even watch this.
38:04Yeah.
38:05I try and let them lamb as naturally as possible,
38:07but she was pushing like hell,
38:09and you could see her really making an effort.
38:12What is going on now?
38:14He's got his whole face in that sheep right there.
38:17He really said...
38:21There we are. It's gone back in.
38:23Oh, it's in. They've done it, they've put the head back.
38:26I just get this.
38:28Have we got it?
38:29Just about.
38:30Oh, we're hooking hell, all right.
38:32Oh, my God, this is brutal, Daniela.
38:35He's got bloody hands all the way up.
38:37Got two legs now.
38:39Oh, got two, got two.
38:41Oh!
38:42Oh, come on!
38:44Good work.
38:46Oh!
38:48Oh, my God!
38:50Is it alive, is it alive?
38:52Come on, please be alive.
38:53Nice.
38:54Jeez, eh?
38:56What an effort.
38:58It's alive!
39:00Look at that, smoke coming off it.
39:03Look at the size of it.
39:05Look at that.
39:06Dearest lamb you've ever had, sir.
39:08That's a lot, man.
39:09There's a lot going on, I don't know what emotions to feel.
39:12Thanks a lot.
39:13Fantastic.
39:15Oh, look at that.
39:16Everyone's exhausted after watching that, aren't they?
39:19Traumatised.
39:20Traumatised.
39:21It does kind of make you want to be a vegetarian, doesn't it?
39:24Yeah.
39:25Little baby lamb.
39:26No, cos I don't like tofu.
39:27Oh, are there other things available?
39:29I'm not eating butternut squash.
39:31Lamb's my favourite meat.
39:32I know.
39:33Oh, dear.
39:34And it's Christmas soon.
39:36Maybe next year.
39:41In Solly Hall...
39:42Anita, look what I've got.
39:44Oh, my God.
39:45Is that what the kids sent you for your birthday?
39:48Yeah, for my birthday.
39:49Teresa and her wife, Anita.
39:51What do you think?
39:53It's lovely.
39:54Is that impressive or what?
39:56I was going to go out and buy one as well.
39:58I'm so glad you didn't.
40:00What do you mean?
40:01It's...
40:02Cheeky sod.
40:03Is it Rita the reindeer?
40:05It is Rita the reindeer.
40:07Look, I'm going to plug it in.
40:09Look.
40:10Oh, I can't wait.
40:12Look at that.
40:13Creepers, creepers, give us some sungl...
40:15Oh, my lordy, dordy.
40:17What's wrong with her?
40:19This week, Eddie Redmayne was back
40:21playing a sneaky sniper on Sky Atlantic.
40:24Is Katsley taking up yoga?
40:26No, he's cleaning his arse.
40:28I love a taut thriller, Mary.
40:30I know.
40:35It kind of makes me want to be an assassin.
40:37You'd be rubbish.
40:38I'd be really good at it.
40:39Your eyesight is dreadful.
40:40Oh, yeah.
40:41If you could be an assassin for one day,
40:43who would you assassinate?
40:44Well, one day is not enough, is it?
40:47Well, for the people that you...
40:48That are on your list.
40:49Daniel's going to spree.
40:50Yeah.
40:51In the episode, we saw Hitman the Jackal
40:53speaking to his gunmaker about his next target.
40:57I've got a question for you, Norman.
41:00Shoot.
41:01That's a good thing to see, doing this half in.
41:03Have you experienced anything unusual recently?
41:09You have a shot, mate, by MI6.
41:11They've almost got him, haven't they, old Norman?
41:13MI6.
41:14MI6.
41:15They want him, cos if they get him,
41:17then they'll get the Jackal.
41:19Ryan, you're 100% secure now.
41:22100%.
41:23100%.
41:24What, maybe 99.9?
41:25He's not 100%.
41:27They're watching him.
41:31Yeah.
41:32I've got good news.
41:33We think we've found Norman's location.
41:35Uh-oh.
41:36Oh, they've found where Norman is.
41:38They've got where he is.
41:40Shit in here.
41:41And if he shows up, now the Jackal...
41:43They've got him.
41:44..their job is done.
41:45So where's the nearest place I can take this for a spin
41:47without attracting attention?
41:49Well, top of the road, turn right.
41:51Them two are oblivious to what's going on, innit?
41:53They need to get out of there, don't they?
41:55The bloody MI6 are coming.
42:01Oh, who's this now?
42:03That screams feds.
42:05It's always a black out, isn't it?
42:08Exactly.
42:10I love how he's trying to hide behind a macchiato.
42:13Yeah.
42:14This is when I start going...
42:17..lay low.
42:20Sinking.
42:24Oh, is that outside the warehouse?
42:26Yes.
42:27Phone Norman.
42:28I know.
42:29Ring Norman, Jackal.
42:30Ring him.
42:32You've got visitors.
42:33One of them looks like your friend from MI6.
42:35Oh, shit.
42:36Shit.
42:38Oh, look.
42:39Oh, they're in, they're in.
42:41We're going in, Adrian, it's happening, it's going down.
42:48The mugger's trying to pick as well, are you all right?
42:50Which one should I go for?
42:52That is crazy, you know?
42:53Yeah.
42:54That's actually mad.
42:55You're fast, but you're more accurate.
43:01Come on, you bastards!
43:03Oh, God.
43:05Come on, you bastards!
43:06God, he's going out, all guns blazing, isn't he?
43:08Oh, that's a man who knows he's going down.
43:10Yeah.
43:11Going down fighting.
43:14Oh, Bianca, how have you missed his honour there?
43:16Even you could have shot him.
43:18She wants him alive, she wants him alive.
43:22Oh, she's got him, she's got him.
43:24They've got Norman Bang to rights.
43:25The question is now, is he going to squeal?
43:27I know you made the gun that killed Manfred first.
43:30Well, give it away.
43:31Is this for the Jackal as well?
43:33I have the foggiest idea what you're talking about.
43:35He's literally sat with all his gun-making stuff.
43:40Guns?
43:41What guns?
43:42We know the Jackal's been contracted for another hit.
43:45Makes sense in what she found.
43:47This is his, isn't it, Norman?
43:50That's the Jackal's bag.
43:51Oh, don't say.
43:52Why is Eddie so clumsy?
43:54Why would you leave your stuff?
43:56I'm telling you, he keeps making mistakes.
43:58The Jackal's been here, his things are here,
44:01so he'll be back.
44:03No, he won't, love, cos he's seen that you're there.
44:05I don't even know how she's MI6.
44:07She didn't even know what a Jackal was.
44:09She had to Google it.
44:12Wait, did she? Yeah.
44:15It's so embarrassing.
44:16And it's going to put you both in jail for the rest of your fucking lives.
44:23Oh!
44:25Who shot him?
44:27The Jackal's took Norman out.
44:29Fucking Bobo.
44:30It was too risky for him to live, wasn't it?
44:33Cos he knows his identity.
44:38Oh!
44:39Christ, how's he going to get out of this?
44:44Look at the horse! He's on a horse!
44:46He's got a musket over his shoulder and he's just got on a horse.
44:49This is crazy.
44:52Look at that.
44:54Look at that.
44:55Bareback as well, fellas.
44:57Very dashing, Mary, very dashing.
44:59Do you think he learnt to ride at Eton, Mary?
45:02Yeah. I think it's on the curriculum.
45:07This is unreal.
45:09One horsepower against 300.
45:15Oh!
45:17Oh, you silly fool.
45:19Oh, no! Get off! Get off now!
45:24Oh, ow!
45:26That was close, though.
45:27She's not very good at it, is she?
45:29She's not.
45:32HE GASPS
45:33Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
45:37Ooh, nice one.
45:38Look at that with deep water.
45:39It looks as if he's literally jumped off the edge of a cliff.
45:42I don't think he realised that was there.
45:44SHE SCREAMS
45:48She's fuming.
45:49I'd give her a plug if I was you.
45:52You've been thwarted again, Bianca.
45:54Yeah.
45:58Oh!
45:59It's hard to catch, isn't it?
46:01Bianca is like a dog with a bone, though, isn't it?
46:03She is not... She's not going to stop? Ever.
46:05Tell you what, I like this, because it's not too bloodthirsty.
46:09No.
46:10You know, yes, we are killing people, but it feels quite humane.
46:14It's a classy way. Yeah.
46:16You know, it's a quick, painless one between the eyes.
46:21Now I'd like to go.
46:28New drama that's been getting reviews
46:30like Modern Masterpiece and Best Show Of The Year.
46:33You can stream After The Party in full right now.
46:36And the busiest man in comedy takes a break to talk about comedy.
46:40Romesh Ranganathan is this week's legend with Seleni,
46:43tomorrow night at half past eight.
46:45Well, back to tonight here on Channel 4,
46:47and The Last Leg is coming up next.
46:50THE LAST LEG