SNL Cold Open 3/8/25 , Saturday Night Live March 8,2025
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00:00This week, the New York Times broke the story of an explosive Trump cabinet meeting which
00:10ended in a shouting match between Marco Rubio and Elon Musk, ruining what has been an otherwise
00:15remarkably cool and smooth start to the Trump presidency.
00:19We now take you to the Oval Office as President Trump tries to broker a truce.
00:23Marco, thank you so much for coming.
00:29I know you're under a lot of stress, but I can't have you fighting with Elon, okay?
00:34I need you to be my good little Marco.
00:37Mr. Trump, if you think I'm gonna stand here and let you call me that, you're right.
00:43Good boy.
00:44We love to say Marco Rubio, but unfortunately, I just made English the official language.
00:51So now your name is Mark Ruby.
00:55I accept that, but what I don't accept is Elon having total access to our government.
01:01Planes are crashing and he keeps trying to fire air traffic controllers.
01:04Well, Elon knows a lot about air travel, okay?
01:07He runs SpaceX, which is doing incredible things in terms of explosions and with regard
01:14to rocket debris.
01:16Well, just because Elon is a successful businessman doesn't mean he should run the country.
01:21Yeah, you're right.
01:23We tried that in 2016 and it didn't work.
01:26Trump 45, not a great president.
01:29But now we've got Trump 47.
01:30I'm older, wiser, and frankly, older.
01:35But Elon's been doing good job with Doge and he gave me some great stuff to talk about
01:40at State of the Union.
01:42They're spending $8 million on making mice transgender.
01:46Can you believe that?
01:48Probably not because it's not true, but I said it and it got a big laugh and that is
01:53addictive.
01:54But you're doing a great job too, Marco, okay?
01:58You're doing great.
01:59You're the goat.
02:00You're the scapegoat, but it's still a type of goat.
02:06And that is an honor, sir.
02:08But while Elon's been causing chaos, I've been working behind the scenes and I am very
02:14close to a deal with the Panamanian government to retake the Panama Canal.
02:20I don't want it anymore, you know?
02:23Seems like a hassle.
02:25What I'd really love is Thailand, okay?
02:28Cuz I've been watching White Lotus and it looks beautiful, right?
02:34How about the girl with the teeth?
02:36I don't mind.
02:39So Thailand?
02:42If I may, sir, and this is very important, America's foreign policy has a long, delicate
02:47history, and we cannot afford to-
02:50So boring.
02:51This guy can't stop talking.
02:52I mean, who the hell does he think he is, Adrian Brody?
02:53Weird looking guy, Adrian.
02:54He kind of looks like Waluigi.
03:00We like to say Waluigi.
03:02Wait a minute, what is this?
03:04I'm thinking something and not saying it out loud.
03:07Whoa, this is a whole new thing.
03:10This is crazy.
03:11This could save me a lot of trouble.
03:13I should do this more often.
03:15I won't, but I should.
03:19And maintain America's standing in the global community.
03:23Bet.
03:24Well, let's get Elon in here so you guys can work things out.
03:28Elon.
03:29Hi, it's me, tech support.
03:32I'm just kidding.
03:35Elon, I wanna thank you for at least wearing a suit this time.
03:50Doesn't look great, right?
03:52Billionaire, but he shops at Joseph A. Baggett's.
03:55It's giving groomsmen.
03:56Good one, Donald.
03:57Good one, glitch.
03:58Buffering.
03:59I'm back.
04:00I'm back.
04:01I'm back.
04:02Never gonna get used to that.
04:03Now, look, I can't have you two at each other's throats, okay?
04:11After all, I have a perfect record.
04:14Everyone who's ever worked for me has left on good terms and then gone on to write a
04:19book called The Man Who Ruined Everything.
04:22So you two need to start acting like mature adults, okay?
04:26So let's begin with Marco.
04:27Polo.
04:28No, Elon, I'm trying to talk to Marco.
04:29Polo.
04:30What is that?
04:31What's this?
04:32What's this?
04:33He keeps doing this.
04:34What's this?
04:35Nobody knows, okay?
04:36It's his little dance.
04:37We let him do it, all right?
04:38It's his least unsettling trick.
04:40Nobody knows, okay?
04:41It's his little dance.
04:42We let him do it, all right?
04:43It's his least unsettling trick.
04:46I can't believe this is the guy you've given access to the entire government.
04:50He's not an elected official.
04:53I know you are, but what am I?
04:57Okay, whoa, whoa.
04:59Company.
05:00That's enough.
05:01If you're gonna insult each other, at least make them good, okay?
05:04Acting like, Elon, how do you have 20 kids, but I've never seen you with a chick?
05:09Just dudes named Donkey Dong and Boner King, you know, stuff like that.
05:13And here, watch this.
05:15Marco.
05:16Short and gay.
05:17Classic.
05:18Elon, you gotta listen to me, okay?
05:21Marco is a very important part of the team, and we all need to-
05:25Phase one of my plan is complete.
05:27Ingratiate yourself to the president and take over the media.
05:31But was taking this job a bad idea?
05:34A lot of people seem to really hate me.
05:36My Tesla stock is crashing, and my personal net worth just dropped by $100 billion.
05:44But it's important, all right?
05:49So headlines from the meeting.
05:51One, America's doing bad guy now.
05:55Two, Marco, get your budget under control.
05:58And three, Elon, stay in your lane.
06:00You're not the boss.
06:02But I paid you $300 million.
06:05And that's why you're the boss.
06:06So we'll get out of your office right after we say this.
06:10Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
06:33Thank you, thank you, thank you.
06:36Thank you very much.
06:37I'm so excited to be here.
06:39I know you might be thinking I'm here to promote my album, Mayhem, but I'm actually here to
06:44remind you that I'm an amazing actor.
06:47Last time I hosted SNL, I was 27.
06:53I'm 38 now, which is scientifically the best age for a female pop star to be.
06:58Honestly, though, most pop stars are over 40.
07:02Chaperone is 58, and Charli XCX, she's 75.
07:07Tate McRae is my biological grandmother.
07:12I'm so happy to be back at SNL.
07:14The last time I hosted was in 2013, and every aspect of my performance aged amazingly.
07:22There's no need to Google SNL 2013.
07:27Lady Gaga featuring R. Kelly.
07:31We all won't, and I won't bring it up, because that would be bad.
07:37Anyway, I'm an actor now.
07:40And I've been very diligent about collecting films that would showcase my craft as a serious actor.
07:48Films such as Joker 2.
07:51Apparently people thought it was awesome.
07:55Joaquin and I even got nominated for a Razzie, which is an award for the worst films of the year.
08:02So we won.
08:04For worst on-screen duo.
08:07But joke's on them.
08:09I love winning things.
08:12And my Razzie brings me one step closer to an EGORT.
08:17It's like an EGOT, but it's hurtful.
08:21Tonight I'm the host and the musical guest, which means someone has to introduce me for music.
08:28I asked Bowen to do it, because apparently he's a superfan, but I think I make him nervous.
08:33Bowen, are you happy I'm here?
08:36Ladies and gentlemen, Lady Gaga.
08:43It's a little early.
08:45Great job, Bowen.
08:47I've had a pretty big year.
08:49I'm engaged.
08:53My mom set us up, and it's a true story.
08:56My mom called me one day, and she goes, I met your husband.
08:59And I said, what does he do?
09:01And she said, he works in cancer research.
09:03And while we were talking, I was literally smoking a cigarette.
09:07And then we went on three dates, and I never smoked again.
09:11Except when I'm drunk.
09:18In all seriousness, I'm from New York City, so hosting SNL is so extra special to me.
09:27I respect everyone here so much, so tonight I promise to act, to sing, and to not do Joker 3.
09:36We've got a great show for you tonight.
09:38I'm here, so stick around, and we'll be right back.
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