SNL Cold Open 3/8/25 , Saturday Night Live March 8,2025
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00:00This week, the New York Times broke the story of an explosive Trump cabinet meeting,
00:04which ended in a shouting match between Marco Rubio and Elon Musk,
00:07ruining what has been an otherwise remarkably cool and smooth start to the Trump presidency.
00:12We now take you to the Oval Office as President Trump tries to broker a truce.
00:16Marco, thank you so much for coming. I know you're under a lot of stress,
00:25but I can't have you fighting with Elon, okay?
00:28I need you to be my good little Marco. Mr. Trump, if you think I'm gonna stand here
00:34and let you call me that, you're right. Good boy. We love to say Marco Rubio,
00:41but unfortunately I just made English the official language, so now your name is Mark Ruby.
00:49I accept that, but what I don't accept is Elon having total access to our government.
00:54Planes are crashing and he keeps trying to fire air traffic controllers.
00:58Well, Elon knows a lot about air travel, okay? He runs SpaceX, which is doing
01:03incredible things in terms of explosions and with regard to rocket debris.
01:10Well, just because Elon is a successful businessman doesn't mean he should run the country.
01:16Yeah, you're right. We tried that in 2016 and it didn't work.
01:20Trump 45, not a great president, but now we've got Trump 47. I'm older, wiser, and frankly,
01:28older. But Elon's been doing good job with Doge and he gave me some great stuff to talk about at
01:34State of the Union. They're spending $8 million on making mice transgender. Can you believe that?
01:42Probably not because it's not true, but I said it and it got a big laugh and that is addictive.
01:49But you're doing a great job too, Marco. Okay, you're doing great. You're the goat.
01:53You're the scapegoat, but it's still a type of goat.
01:59And that is an honor, sir. But while Elon's been causing chaos, I've been working behind the scenes
02:07and I am very close to a deal with the Panamanian government to retake the Panama Canal.
02:13Yeah, I don't want it anymore.
02:17Seems like a hassle. What I'd really love is Thailand, okay?
02:23Because I've been watching White Lotus and it looks beautiful, right?
02:28How about the girl with the teeth? I don't mind. So Thailand?
02:36If I may, sir, and this is very important. America's foreign policy has a long,
02:41delicate history and we cannot afford to- So boring. This guy can't stop talking. I mean,
02:47who the hell does he think he is? Adrian Brody? Weird looking guy,
02:51Adrian. He kind of looks like Waluigi. We like to say Waluigi. Wait a minute, what is this?
02:58I'm thinking something. I'm not saying it out loud. Whoa, this is a whole new thing. This is
03:04crazy. This could save me a lot of trouble. I should do this more often. I won't, but I should.
03:12And maintain America's standing in the global community.
03:17Bet. Well, let's get Elon in here so you guys can work things out. Elon?
03:33Hi, it's me, tech support. I'm just kidding.
03:37Elon, I want to thank you for at least wearing a suit this time. Doesn't look great, right?
03:46Billionaire, but he shops at Joseph A. Bank. It's giving groomsmen.
03:51Good one, Donald. Good one, glitch. Buffering.
03:59I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. Never going to get used to that. Now, look, I can't have you
04:04two at each other's throats, okay? After all, I have a perfect record. Everyone who's ever worked
04:09for me has left on good terms and then gone on to write a book called The Man Who Ruined
04:14Everything. So you two need to start acting like mature adults, okay? So let's begin with Marco.
04:21Polo. No, Elon. I'm trying to talk to Marco. Polo.
04:28What is that? What's this? What's this? He keeps doing this. What's this?
04:34Nobody knows, okay? It's his little dance. We let him do it, all right? It's his least
04:38unsettling trick. I can't believe this is the guy you've given access to the entire government.
04:44He's not an elected official. I know you are, but what am I?
04:49Okay, whoa. That's enough. If you're going to insult each other, at least make them good,
04:58okay? Something like, Elon, how do you have 20 kids, but I've never seen you with a chick?
05:03Just dudes named Donkey Dong and Boner King, you know, stuff like that.
05:07And here, watch this. Marco, short and gay, classic.
05:13Elon, you got to listen to me, okay? Marco is a very important part of the team,
05:17and we all need to- Phase one of my plan is complete.
05:21Ingratiate yourself to the president and take over the media. But was taking this job a bad idea?
05:28A lot of people seem to really hate me. My Tesla stock is crashing,
05:32and my personal net worth just dropped by $100 billion.
05:36It's important, all right? So headlines from the meeting.
05:45One, America's doing bad guy now. Two, Marco, get your budget under control.
05:52And three, Elon, stay in your lane. You're not the boss.
05:56But I paid you $300 million. And that's why you're the boss.
06:00So we'll get out of your office right after we say this.
06:04Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
11:00you