• yesterday
Party Time - Full Movie - Comedy
Transcript
00:00:30The Red Moon
00:00:47Centuries ago, during the dawn of the Red Moon,
00:00:52our peaceful hamlet was terrorized by a beast.
00:00:58Born, not of man, but spewed forth from the fieriest pits of Hades.
00:01:06No one could defeat her, save one man, a baron,
00:01:10away for decades fighting in the Crusades.
00:01:18Consumed with vengeance, the baron pledged to destroy Camilla and flee the village.
00:01:25He unearthed the sacred books of Nekros, where he discovered
00:01:29the only way of slaying this unholy harpy once and for all
00:01:33was to forge a sacred sword.
00:01:35A weapon blessed with an ancient Babylonian hex
00:01:39and infused with his own blood.
00:01:43Without fear, he confronted Camilla.
00:01:54But before the baron could strike the fatal blow,
00:01:59Camilla laid down a curse most vile.
00:02:02As you strike me down, sir, you shall release the evil within me
00:02:06into your daughters and your daughters' daughters
00:02:09and they shall not rest until your bloodline is ended.
00:02:13They will know you breed by these marks above your heart
00:02:17and when the life's blood of the last of your line mixes with that of a virgin girl,
00:02:22I shall rise again, more powerful than you will ever imagine.
00:02:28And with that, he lopped her f***ing head off.
00:02:31Our only salvation is a prophecy that foretells of the day
00:02:35when the last descendant of the baron's bloodline shall return to this hamlet
00:02:39and vanquish Camilla's curse forever.
00:02:43That time has begun.
00:02:47I'm not happy, Jimmy.
00:02:50Why? What did I do wrong?
00:02:52Things are different now to how they used to be.
00:02:55I just don't love you anymore.
00:02:57No, I love you. I'm just not in love with you.
00:03:01You know I'll always love you.
00:03:04But you say that every time you dump me.
00:03:06I don't dump you, Jimmy.
00:03:08I just take time out to re-evaluate the parameters of our relationship.
00:03:13That's what makes us so strong together.
00:03:17If we're that strong together, why are you dumping me again?
00:03:20I'm not dumping you. I just think we're stronger together apart.
00:03:24Well, that doesn't even make grammatical sense, so...
00:03:27Just feel it with your heart and know what I'm saying is true.
00:03:31So, you are dumping me?
00:03:34No, but also, in a sense, yes.
00:03:41I'm not happy, Fletch.
00:03:43I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.
00:03:45Yep, well, your best just isn't good enough.
00:03:47What more do you want me to do?
00:03:49I don't know, but this has to be the end of the line.
00:03:52What? What did I do wrong?
00:03:55You punched him in the face.
00:03:57You know what I get like when people mess with my shit.
00:03:59He had it coming.
00:04:01You were seven. You're a children's clown.
00:04:04Seven's old enough to know not to go messing with my shit.
00:04:07Seven's old enough to know not to go messing with my shit.
00:04:09Fletch, you punched a child.
00:04:11He was spraying me in the balls with my own seltzer bottle.
00:04:14What was I supposed to do?
00:04:15Not hit him is what you were supposed to do.
00:04:17Well, then he shouldn't be spraying on my ball sack.
00:04:19Let me tap.
00:04:21You gave him a bloody nose.
00:04:22Look at me. I look like I've pissed myself.
00:04:25Christ, Fletch. I don't know why you do these things.
00:04:29I guess I just don't like kids.
00:04:32I keep telling you, they're a prerequisite of the job.
00:04:35I know. Slight problem.
00:04:39Maybe I could just be a clown for adults.
00:04:42You're fired.
00:04:45Do I get to keep the costume?
00:04:46No. Drop your costume in at the front desk on the way out.
00:04:49Goodbye, Fletch.
00:05:00Do I get this week's money?
00:05:02Goodbye, Fletch.
00:05:03I'm crying blood.
00:05:05I'm crying blood.
00:05:08I'm crying tears from my eyes that I can't deny.
00:05:11And I am falling like a comet from a broken sky.
00:05:14I'm crying blood.
00:05:17I'm crying blood.
00:05:20I'm crying tears from my eyes that I can't deny.
00:05:23And I am falling like a comet from a broken sky.
00:05:26Oh, how I need this blood.
00:05:31Oh, how I need this blood.
00:05:35I've come up with a ten-point plan for getting her back.
00:05:37What, like revenge?
00:05:39No, getting her back.
00:05:41Not getting her back, getting her back.
00:05:43Getting her back.
00:05:45Number one, take her on holiday.
00:05:47Stop there. That's just fucking stupid.
00:05:49Just the two of us, on our own, we can talk.
00:05:51On your own?
00:05:52Like when you went to Faleraki and she dumped you
00:05:54and banged that lanky water-ski instructor with the highlights
00:05:57and the shark's tooth necklace?
00:05:58She didn't dump me. She told me she was just confused.
00:06:01Yeah, not that confused she couldn't figure out where to put his cock, clearly.
00:06:04Oi, that's my bird you're talking about.
00:06:06No. No, it isn't. Not any more.
00:06:11Look, you need to get away from all this shit.
00:06:14Yeah, let's have a wacky adventure, you and me.
00:06:16I'm not going to bum you or anything,
00:06:18but I think you could use a distraction
00:06:20and you can say what you like about me,
00:06:22but you cannot deny I am incredibly distracting.
00:06:24Some might say annoying.
00:06:25And that.
00:06:28I don't know. Where do you suggest we go?
00:06:31Ibiza.
00:06:35Sun, sea, sand, clubs and fanny.
00:06:40Lots and lots of fanny.
00:06:43Loads and loads of fanny.
00:06:45A gargantuan amount of virginity.
00:06:49All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,
00:06:52and if there's a few stragglers hanging around
00:06:54who fancy a little go on me, then so be it.
00:06:59I can't have skin.
00:07:01What? I thought you had loads saved up.
00:07:03Yeah, I lent it to Judy to buy her car.
00:07:05Oh, my God.
00:07:07Why don't you just get total twat tattooed on your forehead?
00:07:10Can't you see what that witch has done to our life?
00:07:13Relying on that money for my holiday.
00:07:15Our holiday, I mean.
00:07:17How much have you got?
00:07:19Erm...
00:07:21Er, well...
00:07:23Tricky, because I've sort of been sacked.
00:07:26You didn't hit another girl?
00:07:27It was a boy.
00:07:28I don't want to talk about it.
00:07:30So what we're essentially saying is that
00:07:32neither of us can afford to do anything or go anywhere.
00:07:35Pretty much. Brilliant.
00:07:50Oh, hello.
00:07:52Wasn't expecting you.
00:07:54I've finally done it.
00:07:56Done what?
00:07:57Get the champers on ice.
00:07:59I'm all yours, honey.
00:08:01Oh, but are you?
00:08:03And I've left him for good this time,
00:08:06so now you and me can have some fun.
00:08:10You've done what?
00:08:12Let's see what you've got.
00:08:14Oh, my God.
00:08:17You've done what?
00:08:19Let's celebrate.
00:08:20Naughty boy!
00:08:26Who the hell are you?
00:08:28Who the hell are you?
00:08:30I'm his girlfriend.
00:08:32Really?
00:08:34I'm his wife.
00:08:37Right.
00:08:44Steve, get back here!
00:08:46Look, in my defence, I never meant for you to find out.
00:08:58I've got a plan.
00:09:00Does it involve girls?
00:09:02It's cheap.
00:09:03Yeah.
00:09:04Does it involve girls?
00:09:06Let's go hiking.
00:09:13That is one of the most impressingly shitty ideas for a holiday
00:09:18I've ever heard in my life, ever.
00:09:20It's a great idea.
00:09:22You're a penis.
00:09:26Wherever it lands on the map, we go there.
00:09:29Leave it to the hands of fate, a proper adventure.
00:09:31What do you say?
00:09:32No.
00:09:33It'll be brilliant.
00:09:34It'll be shit.
00:09:36Let the dart show us the way.
00:09:40All right, then. Fuck it.
00:09:42I'm only agreeing to this cos I'm feeling for you right now
00:09:45and cos I'm unbelievably shit-faced.
00:09:49Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.
00:10:04I never heard of it.
00:10:05I just say it.
00:10:06Crag...
00:10:07Cragwitch.
00:10:08Cragwitch.
00:10:10It's spelt A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.
00:10:17Christ, you're a tit.
00:10:34No!
00:10:41Get that?
00:10:42Country air.
00:10:43Nothing like it.
00:10:45Smells like normal air with cow shit in it.
00:10:47Exactly.
00:10:48Nothing like the all-pervading stench of faeces
00:10:50to take your mind off your troubles.
00:10:55Have you brought anything besides beer?
00:11:03You're expecting a water bomb fight or something?
00:11:17Hello?
00:11:18Judy?
00:11:19Yes!
00:11:20Look, Jimmy, I've been thinking
00:11:22and I realise I've made a terrible mistake.
00:11:24I want to come back, Jimmy.
00:11:26I... love you.
00:11:29What?
00:11:30I love you!
00:11:31Hello?
00:11:34I can't hear...
00:11:35Hello?
00:11:39Judy?
00:11:40I'll drive to meet you.
00:11:41We can talk, the two of us.
00:11:43We can work everything out.
00:12:00Why'd you do that?
00:12:01We are here to hike.
00:12:04But...
00:12:05I can't fucking believe you just done that.
00:12:07OK, maybe I did overreact a bit and I'm sorry.
00:12:10I'll, um, buy you another one.
00:12:12Jim.
00:12:14Jim!
00:12:25Hold up a minute.
00:12:31Look...
00:12:37Can't we just take a little rest?
00:12:39We're getting a stitch.
00:12:40We've only been walking for...
00:12:42three minutes.
00:12:43No, but you're not walking, you're virtually running.
00:12:46It's like you're in a mood with me or something.
00:12:48Oh, I can't imagine why that would be, can you?
00:12:50You're getting a real attitude all of a sudden.
00:12:52Oh, fuck off.
00:12:53No, you fuck off!
00:12:55I've dragged my arse here to some leafy shithole
00:12:57I can't even pronounce properly for you.
00:13:00How ungrateful you're being.
00:13:01Ungrateful?
00:13:02You stamped on my phone
00:13:03whilst Judy was trying to make up with me.
00:13:05What, like the last seven times?
00:13:07You're a mental case.
00:13:08Holding out for that serial dumper
00:13:10to have you back for the drumroll, please.
00:13:12Eight fucking time.
00:13:14That's why we're out here in fucking Hobbiton
00:13:16rather than somewhere it might be remotely possible
00:13:18to engage a single, solitary woman
00:13:20in so much as a polite conversation.
00:13:25There might be girls.
00:13:26Will, they're balls.
00:13:30No.
00:13:31No.
00:14:00She's gonna set you free, yeah, yeah.
00:14:20Chances.
00:14:28Come on, Jim.
00:14:29You came from there.
00:14:30Yeah, so?
00:14:32So?
00:14:35Are you some kind of eunuch or something?
00:14:37It's not bad enough that woman's robbed you of your brain.
00:14:39She's robbed you of your testicles and all.
00:14:41Well, I'm sorry, mate.
00:14:42I'm claiming your testicles back.
00:14:44No, not...
00:14:45Not I literally want your test...
00:14:47That's just sick.
00:14:48Look.
00:14:50There's just the beginning.
00:14:51These small rural places are renowned
00:14:53for breeding the creme de la creme
00:14:55of the finest female form.
00:14:56It's the fresh air, isn't it?
00:14:57They've got a bundle for city boys like you and me.
00:14:59Well impressive we are, mate.
00:15:01I guarantee this place will be wall to wall
00:15:03with fine, young, rosy-cheeked English country maidens
00:15:06like that lot, but even dirtier.
00:15:17It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.
00:15:20Don't sweat it.
00:15:23The womenfolk are all off braiding their hair
00:15:25in some kind of naked fertility ceremony or something.
00:15:29That village queen will be full of healing tits by sundown.
00:15:31You mark my words.
00:15:32Maybe we should let these guys look weird.
00:15:34Just relax.
00:15:35They're just blokes.
00:15:37Like you and I.
00:15:38They like a beer.
00:15:39Enjoy a scented candle.
00:15:41They're my kind of people.
00:15:42I can relate.
00:15:44Stick with me.
00:15:52Good morrow
00:15:54Two flakins of ale, please, sir.
00:16:02There you go.
00:16:05Compliments of the house lads.
00:16:36Keep it together, mate.
00:16:38Keep it together.
00:16:41Just a bit worried I'm going to get raped.
00:16:49So how many more, Tom?
00:16:51How many more?
00:16:52You and I are mighty with me, Vicar.
00:16:54We have to stop this madness.
00:16:56Vicar, that's his daughter.
00:16:58If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.
00:17:00We can't let any more innocent people die.
00:17:02Then what?
00:17:03Then they'll come for us, is what?
00:17:05Oh, aye, aye.
00:17:06Don't you see they have us already?
00:17:08Our women are cursed.
00:17:10And we are spineless fools who let it happen.
00:17:12Look, look, I know it's hard, Vicar,
00:17:14what with your Rebecca turning 18 and all, but...
00:17:1618? Love it.
00:17:18Together we can stop this.
00:17:20You are either with me or against me.
00:17:23What?
00:17:25Who is with me?
00:17:33No, it can't be.
00:17:35No, that's impossible.
00:17:38It can't be you. What is your name?
00:17:40Oi, this cost 25 quid, mate.
00:17:42That is enough, father, that is enough!
00:17:44Daddy.
00:17:46Come, child.
00:17:48Come, child.
00:17:56Does he know you?
00:17:57Have you been hanging out with vicars?
00:17:59Never seen him before in my life.
00:18:01Sorry about that, lads.
00:18:03Here you go.
00:18:04No hard feelings, aye?
00:18:07Sorry for the vicar.
00:18:08He's a strange sort.
00:18:12If you lads want a bed for the night,
00:18:15there'll be a cottage, the old Macalla place,
00:18:18not two miles down the road there.
00:18:21Oh, that's great, but how much is it, though?
00:18:23Cos we're a bit light on the old money.
00:18:25Oh, it don't cost nothing.
00:18:27The doors are always open.
00:18:30Any weary traveller can expect a nice long rest.
00:18:36You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.
00:18:40If there's one thing I like more than free booze,
00:18:42it's a free bed. Thank you very much.
00:18:44It's very kind.
00:18:45Might be a bit of a tight squeeze, though.
00:18:48I sent some beautiful young girls down here not too long ago.
00:19:14I like you so much better when you're naked!
00:19:17I like you so much better when you're naked!
00:19:19I like you so much better when you're naked!
00:19:22I like you so much...
00:19:25That's it!
00:19:26Come on, come on, come on, don't break down on us now!
00:19:29Come on!
00:19:31Come on!
00:19:32What?
00:19:45Come on!
00:19:46Well, that'll really help, Lucky.
00:19:48We're screwed!
00:19:50Yeah.
00:19:51Great! We're in the middle of nowhere, a mess from anywhere!
00:19:55Are you sure you put the petal in?
00:19:57Thank you for the fifth time, yes.
00:19:59Just checking.
00:20:01Well, let us walk to the cottage. We must be close.
00:20:04The landlord said it was only a few miles.
00:20:07Yeah.
00:20:08We're closer to the inn. We should go back there and get help.
00:20:14Yeah, yeah.
00:20:17I'm only going back there with knives.
00:20:19Those men were freaky.
00:20:21I think we should stay with them.
00:20:23Yeah.
00:20:35Do you hear that?
00:20:37What is it?
00:20:39There's something out there.
00:20:41Stop scaring us, Lucky.
00:20:43Yeah.
00:20:50It's coming from the roof!
00:20:54And it's probably just a branch.
00:20:56A branch.
00:20:57Yeah.
00:21:14I told you!
00:21:23Evening, ladies.
00:21:24Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.
00:21:26Excuse us, our van just broke down and we were a little bit, how do you say, spooked.
00:21:30Seems OK now.
00:21:32Anyhow, hi, I'm Lottie.
00:21:35And this is Anki, Heidi and Trudy.
00:21:38Hello, Lottie, Andy, Eric.
00:21:41Hello, girls.
00:21:44Beer.
00:21:45Oh, yeah!
00:21:46Yeah, yeah, yeah!
00:21:48You're my type of girl.
00:21:54The name's Fletch.
00:21:58What's your name?
00:21:59That's my man, Jimmy.
00:22:00He's recently had his heart broken by the woman that he loves.
00:22:03It's tragic.
00:22:04It's just tragic, it really is.
00:22:06It's just tragic.
00:22:07Hello, Jimmy.
00:22:08So, what are four lovely ladies like...
00:22:11What are you doing here on a night like this?
00:22:13We're just on our way to the old McCulloch cottage.
00:22:19There's an uncanny stroke of luck!
00:22:22These girls are all going to the exact same cottage that we are!
00:22:27Yes!
00:22:28Yes!
00:22:29Yes!
00:22:30Yes!
00:22:31You're great!
00:22:32You're all great!
00:22:33Oh, yes!
00:22:34Yes!
00:22:35Yes!
00:22:36Yes!
00:22:38Do you want a ride with us?
00:22:40Thanks, that's very nice of you.
00:22:42Yeah!
00:22:44When in Rome...
00:22:46Be careful, you know what happens.
00:22:48Relax, it's fine.
00:22:52Oh, God!
00:22:55OK, let's go!
00:23:08A couple of young fellows were in here not an hour ago.
00:23:12Directly towards the cottage, not a couple of miles down the road there.
00:23:16What?
00:23:17Just carry on down the road?
00:23:19Yeah, there you go, miss.
00:23:20Carry straight on down.
00:23:22You can't fail to see it, so you can't...
00:23:25Oh, she was a pretty one.
00:23:27She always are, isn't she?
00:23:30Sirens, cold, bewitching demons, every last one of them.
00:23:36Hijack!
00:24:07Wow, all these cars is amazing!
00:24:10Oh, I love it!
00:24:11Oh, cool!
00:24:12They've got mirrors!
00:24:13They've got mirrors!
00:24:14Oh, you can actually move here!
00:24:16Yeah!
00:24:17Yeah!
00:24:18Yeah!
00:24:19Everyone!
00:24:31Yes!
00:24:32Come on!
00:24:33Yeah!
00:24:34Come on!
00:24:42Yes!
00:24:43Jayman!
00:24:45Bottoms up!
00:24:46Bottoms up!
00:24:47Pops in.
00:24:58Feel it hot, hot, hot
00:25:00Feel it hot, hot, hot
00:25:16This might be the best night of my entire fucking life!
00:25:22Room for the Fletchmeister?
00:25:24Yes!
00:25:25Oh, yeah!
00:25:26Oh, yeah!
00:25:27Oh, yeah!
00:25:28Oh, yeah!
00:25:29Yeah!
00:25:38I love hiking!
00:25:43Whoa!
00:25:44Oh, whoa!
00:25:57Right!
00:25:59You know of Camilla?
00:26:04No.
00:26:05Is that who it is?
00:26:10Yes.
00:26:11Camilla.
00:26:12Which is why we're all here.
00:26:13Eh?
00:26:14We're students of folklore and ancient superstition.
00:26:17We're on a field study trip.
00:26:20This village is home to the legend of Camilla, the vampire queen.
00:26:24Vampire queen?
00:26:26She's much, much more than just your average vampire queen.
00:26:28Some say she's 2,000 years old.
00:26:31What, so you believe in all that Dungeons and Dragons rubbish, then?
00:26:34I grew up very superstitious.
00:26:37Crack Witch is particularly fascinating to me.
00:26:40The book of folklore tells the story of this village and what Camilla did to it and its
00:26:45daughters.
00:26:46Even the bravest man shrinks in fear and the bravest woman quivers with desire at the mere
00:26:50mention of her name.
00:26:51Camilla, the vampire queen.
00:26:53Hey!
00:26:54Jimmy Peanut!
00:26:55Come on!
00:26:56Get a beer!
00:26:57Get involved!
00:26:58It is your turn to go with the larger one.
00:26:59Ugh!
00:27:00So many beers!
00:27:01I need to make a piss!
00:27:02Oh, the bog's outside.
00:27:03What?
00:27:04Really?
00:27:05It's dark out there.
00:27:06Lighting!
00:27:07Are you afraid Camilla will get you?
00:27:08Auntie, don't be mean!
00:27:09Okay!
00:27:10Okay!
00:27:11Okay!
00:27:12Okay!
00:27:13Okay!
00:27:14Okay!
00:27:15Okay!
00:27:16Okay!
00:27:17Okay!
00:27:18Okay!
00:27:19Okay!
00:27:20Okay!
00:27:21Okay!
00:27:22Okay!
00:27:23I'm sorry!
00:27:24Don't worry, I will go with her.
00:27:25Ugh!
00:27:26She got me!
00:27:27What is this?
00:27:28Here come the beers!
00:27:29Here come the beers!
00:27:30Oh yeah!
00:27:31So where's Guy Fletcher?
00:27:32He told me to come here.
00:27:33Ah, his heart's in the right place.
00:27:34It's just a shame his brain's in his dick.
00:27:36Oh!
00:27:37Oh!
00:27:38Oh!
00:27:39Oh!
00:27:40Oh!
00:27:41Oh!
00:27:42Oh!
00:27:43Oh!
00:27:44Oh!
00:27:45Oh!
00:27:46Oh!
00:27:47Oh!
00:27:48Oh!
00:27:49Oh!
00:27:50Do you think he's yin-yang as big as my head?
00:28:00Yin-yang?
00:28:01I think something's better when you're next to me.
00:28:29You're such a fucking ponce, James.
00:28:42Which one do you fancy?
00:28:43Which one do you like the most?
00:28:45Just answer the question.
00:28:46Alright then, Lottie.
00:28:47She seems really nice and friendly.
00:28:50And it's like she's got this pure spirit.
00:28:55She's just really sweet.
00:28:59She's got the prettiest eyes.
00:29:02It's like looking into bottomless pools.
00:29:06And you?
00:29:07Trudy.
00:29:08Massive tits, never speaks.
00:29:16Yeah, Trudy, you stink.
00:29:19Yeah, yeah.
00:29:23Oh yeah.
00:29:30Hurry up!
00:29:48Anki!
00:29:49Anki, stop it!
00:29:50It isn't funny!
00:29:51Fuck.
00:29:52Anki, answer me now!
00:29:53It's not funny!
00:29:54Anki!
00:29:55Anki!
00:29:56Anki!
00:29:57Anki!
00:29:58Anki!
00:29:59Anki!
00:30:00Anki!
00:30:02Anki!
00:30:03Anki!
00:30:04Anki!
00:30:05Anki!
00:30:06Anki!
00:30:08Anki!
00:30:09Anki!
00:30:10Anki!
00:30:11Anki!
00:30:12Why are they taking so long?
00:30:13Why are they taking so long?
00:30:38She's probably just having a massive shit.
00:31:38Ahhhhhhhh!
00:31:40Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
00:31:56Trudy! We've gotta get in there!
00:31:58Ok...stand back.
00:32:03Christ!
00:32:05That thing is rock solid.
00:32:08I must have weakened. Yeah, right
00:32:20Look blood
00:32:30What was that I don't know let's go find out
00:32:34We have to do something don't we this is all getting a bit weird
00:32:40Hey, we've been going missing towels covered in blood. It's not really covered. It's more of a light spotting. Oh, that's all right
00:32:46Then look we heard her in here not one minute ago, and now she's nowhere to be seen that my friend
00:32:50It's very weird agreed, but come on man. We have to find Trudy you like Trudy. Don't you?
00:32:57That's just weak man
00:33:04Oh
00:33:34Oh
00:33:53So good Jimmy
00:34:05Hi
00:34:12Anything
00:34:17Oh, well looks like she's gone
00:34:22They're back inside a cup of tea
00:34:26Told you it was no one out here
00:34:28Oh, we just gone for a walk or something let's head back inside. I've still got some beers, so
00:34:41It's over there I heard it too
00:34:44Look I know something really wrong is happening here, but is there any chance we can just ignore it
00:34:58Oh
00:35:28Oh
00:35:32It's impossible it cannot be vampires vampires vampires
00:35:43Nice one
00:35:58Oh
00:36:23Explosion or
00:36:25Turned into burning ash or nothing no
00:36:30Right now I'm a bit disappointed
00:36:32Just cuz she's dead to be honest mate. I can hold out for the fucking fireworks
00:36:36legends
00:36:37They're true
00:36:39This is madness. I was becoming my friends
00:36:42I
00:36:54Think they want you to say something never
00:37:00I don't think they wanted you to say that
00:37:12I
00:37:14I
00:37:38Mean I've always been good at cricket and golf. Maybe it's my guns. Let's please shut up. I'm sorry mate
00:37:43I'm just a bit nervous. They'd have eaten us alive
00:37:47Did they go
00:38:00I reckon we're all gonna die horribly. Oh for Christ's sake flex. You're not helping calm down have a bit
00:38:05Have a beer we need to get out of here. We'll come up with a plan then Einstein hold on the van
00:38:10The van good plan great plan genius, I don't even want to know
00:38:22Thanks
00:38:23That's a sharp stakes arm ourselves with anything that we can plunge straight through their hell-hole hearts
00:38:29Again, great idea like it plunging sharp objects hell-hole hearts. Let's fucking
00:38:41Oh
00:38:49Judy
00:39:05Vampires
00:39:06What yep
00:39:09Lesbian vampires
00:39:11Ridiculous. No, just another one of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits
00:39:15Even dead women as soon as sleep with each other then get with me it would appear but eating me alive
00:39:20Oh, no, that's fine lesbian vampires next time. He'll have me bummed by a big gay werewolf. I swear
00:39:27Come on, we need to lie down
00:39:29Oh
00:39:35Who's that Jimmy's ex she keeps breaking out of him getting him back breaking out of him getting him back
00:39:48Hater me too pisses me off
00:39:51I
00:39:53've been saving myself for the right man someone I can really have feelings for and I finally met him and what
00:40:01You like Jimmy? Yes, I do. But between her and the vampires, I'd probably
00:40:06die a virgin tonight
00:40:13You're you're you're you're a virgin. Yeah
00:40:21Oh
00:40:37For God's sake go cover yourself up daddy. I'm not a child anymore. Don't try me girl
00:40:51I
00:41:05Know you have every right to hate me
00:41:09But I just wanted to know
00:41:11I'm so happy
00:41:13You let me through the door. I
00:41:16Don't hate you not completely. I just don't know what it is that I keep doing you don't like it's not you Jimmy
00:41:24It's me
00:41:26Well, I'm glad you realize that because if this is gonna work you're gonna have to change
00:41:35How do I know that I mean, how can I trust you you're really gonna have to show me you different
00:41:45I
00:42:01Thanks for saving my life
00:42:04You know me fella I got your back always have always will
00:42:15What lots he was gonna you know what they say about extreme situations bringing people together and this as I keep pointing out my friend
00:42:21It's an extreme fucking situation. It's CD in it
00:42:25She's worried. She's gonna die a virgin and frankly, I'm willing to take any opportunity
00:42:30I can get emotional vulnerability fear of imminent death vampire attack screw it. I can't give a shit
00:42:36Hi
00:42:38They did
00:42:46As I suspected
00:42:49Judy was a vampire we killed her
00:42:54Fantastic
00:43:07Oh, I'm going for a piss what I look like a twat
00:43:16Oh
00:43:31Gosh oh god. Oh god. Why are they coming in Judy walked in here? No problem
00:43:36Oh, no, they have to be invited in you invited to the end
00:43:40Oh
00:43:43So all we have to do is sit tight till morning I
00:43:49Mean, it's not like I'm gonna say. Hey, let's be a vampire is coming to my cottage. Is it? Oh shit
00:44:02Under full-on lesbian vampire attack still got it fella
00:44:08Look I was being ironic
00:44:11Oh
00:44:26She knows my name that's not a good sign
00:44:40Oh
00:44:47When in Rome
00:45:10I
00:45:37Kingdom come that will be done
00:45:41You must stay on the water
00:45:52The line is the kingdom
00:46:11Ah
00:46:14We need to go quickly your friends have already been taken
00:46:20Let's go
00:46:22How'd you know this was happening you and your friends were sent to this cottage of sacrifices
00:46:26It's an age-old deal where the villagers supply a constant stream of fresh blood in return. They get to keep their cowardly hides
00:46:34Well, so we were just a light buffet for a bunch of hot dykes to my shame
00:46:38Yes, listen your friends arrival in our hammer today is no coincidence. It's divine intervention fulfilling a primordial prophecy
00:46:46Paul's does he bear a birthmark five red scratches around here?
00:46:51Yeah, his bloodline is the key to the resurrection of the purest evil known to mankind
00:46:57Carmilla the vampire Queen
00:47:01Hey and paradoxically the only thing that can lift this village from a centuries-old curse that turns every woman on her 18th birthday
00:47:08Into a vampire my daughter Rebecca becomes 18 within hours
00:47:15Vic I know you mean well, I really do and I love the vibe the hat that there you look amazing
00:47:20But I've seen a lot of weird shit and even under these circumstances. This is a bit of a stretch
00:47:27He can barely wipe his own ass I understand your confusion, let's be on our way
00:47:35Back to the village there's no time to waste
00:47:39I'm sorry. I'm not going back out there. I've just nearly been eaten three times by some of the hottest women
00:47:44I've ever met starting to become a bit of a bind, you know, I mean
00:47:47But it's not too late to save your friends this village the entire world
00:47:52Yeah, well, you know best luck with it. Oh, yeah. All right
00:47:56Are you fucking with me?
00:47:58Are you allowed to swear?
00:48:01Shut up. Are you telling me you let eternal darkness sweep over this entire planet and leave your friends to die your friends
00:48:09Well, I only really know Jimmy. I just met the girl tonight. So
00:48:14Stay you and I
00:48:28What's with all the scratches the crew suit for me drives the beast away
00:48:34Just get it
00:48:36Okay scratchmaster, where the fuck we going the tomb of your friends great ancestor
00:49:06Oh
00:49:29At moment it has infested our dreams and our desires
00:49:35For what seems like an eternity is finally upon us
00:49:51For his night the last of the McLaren clan shall fall
00:49:58And our queen should rise again
00:50:05The vampire queen
00:50:09Sorry, okay
00:50:14So his blood mix with my virgin blood brings her back, you know, not pretty one
00:50:20I've heard of Camilla, but now I have a heard of you
00:50:24Obviously, you're not evil enough to even make the history books
00:50:26Oh
00:50:33Wow
00:50:38Soon she will love you
00:50:42And with her resurrection this land will be its net forever
00:50:57Oh
00:51:13Final resting place of Baron Wolfgang McLaren the third
00:51:19So Jimmy's the reason I ended up in this shithole
00:51:21He is our salvation and our only hope
00:51:23the prophecy foretold of this day when the last descendant of the McLaren clan would return with his blood and that of a virgin
00:51:29Carmilla shall rise again concealed within this tomb is the weapon that can slay the beast forever the sword of Diel do
00:51:37And what's that name Diel do the god of lust?
00:51:40Said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe in the underworld of Hades a hideous multi tentacle beast
00:51:45The only being brave enough to have tried to penetrate Carmilla's violence depths and paid for it with his life
00:51:51Let me get this straight your plan is
00:51:54Wait this evil bitch to be resurrected
00:51:56Stake her with the sword of whatever thus rescuing my mate curing your daughter ending the curse and saving the entire planet exactly
00:52:03So are you with me?
00:52:05Not really ain't got much fucking choice. Have I?
00:52:10Here you do this I need to check on my Rebecca what now go on earth the corpse and all
00:52:15Concealed within this tomb is the only way
00:52:23This is officially the worst holiday ever
00:52:46So
00:52:49Let me get this straight there's a red moon right forget about the red moon Jimmy
00:52:53She said the last McLaren will fall. Yeah, I kind of missed that bit. Oh
00:53:01Well
00:53:02That'll be me then
00:53:04Shut up, Jimmy. I'm thinking
00:53:06What can you possibly be thinking about a time like this how we're going to skate fantastic any ideas?
00:53:11No, have you not a fucking sausage? Oh, come on, Jimmy think well, I'll be I'm kind of too busy shitting myself to come up
00:53:18with a daring escape plan
00:53:33My cute what it's our first argument
00:53:42Oh
00:53:44Vic we're doomed that ain't opening
00:53:55In my defense I only tried that side
00:53:57So
00:54:08Go down there my boy. Excuse me. There's no time to waste. Hurry up. Will you go down there? Oh
00:54:18Mike I'm unbelievable. It's not my daughter
00:54:22Yeah
00:54:25Can you see the sword give me a minute, please
00:54:30My first time in a tomb gravestone
00:54:52What's so funny in there
00:55:04Grow up the handle draws on the power of the demon deodo rendering this blade and this blade alone capable of destroying her once and
00:55:11for all
00:55:13What how it just does okay
00:55:18Right, we're gonna go there and we're gonna die
00:55:22Right all because you insist some sword with a metal cock on the end can save the world
00:55:28Sonia a disgrace. At least I can see the funny side. Let's get on with the job
00:55:33I'll load up on weapons you cover the Baron back up
00:55:40Will you just admit it does look like a cop
00:55:47Jimmy can I tell you something? Have you come up with an escape plan? No, I'm still thinking. I think we're running out of time. I
00:55:56Just wanted to say that had we met under different circumstances
00:55:59I would very much have liked to go on to know you better. Really? Yes
00:56:04In fact, even though we've just spent a few hours together. I
00:56:08Feel like I've known you forever
00:56:14Really yes
00:56:17I thought you might have picked up on my signals
00:56:21Signals what signals what did I miss?
00:56:25To me I love you
00:56:33Well, that's just fucking great I didn't mean to upset you we're on the brink of imminent death and you have to go and say
00:56:38That I can't die without letting you know that you're the first man. I feel I could share myself with completely
00:56:44I would have given you everything my mind soul and body
00:56:52Now that will never be
00:57:14Wow
00:57:29What what'd you just say you call me what I'm a fat piece of
00:57:44No one messes with the Fletch Meister and his cock sword
00:57:50Hello
00:57:53I wasn't doing and
00:57:56Star Wars, it's not
00:57:58Chewy, I wasn't. Oh, what are you doing out? You probably shouldn't be out here, you know, I know
00:58:06So it's your birthday today just gone midnight
00:58:15Oh
00:58:21So you're 18, but daddy wouldn't approve anyway
00:58:44Oh
00:59:00Ready
00:59:04We have little time my Rebecca will soon be taken. Yep
00:59:14Oh
00:59:32You have his eyes I used to love those eyes until I learned how pathetic men are
00:59:44I
00:59:53Will bleed you slowly and left on your feet up in your flesh while it is still warm in your veins
01:00:14Oh
01:00:19The moon bleeds the resurrection has begun
01:00:23Yeah
01:00:24Holy water. It's like a fucking hand grenade full of acid to you. You said fucking again. Oh, it's weird get over it
01:00:33There's no need to panic my friend. Just stay close to me. I'm well versed in the knowledge of killing vampires
01:00:39Yeah, so is everyone steaks garlic beheading holy water sunlight
01:00:44It's not a fucker alive. It doesn't know that shit. Really? Yeah, it's in books films telly. It's pretty common knowledge
01:00:58Are you expecting many sexual encounters my friend
01:01:03Water bomb fight
01:01:05so
01:01:07Where's this resurrection likely to be happening in there the crypt of Carmilla knew you were gonna say that
01:01:15Never gonna be somewhere. I'm scary sounding. Was it like the garden or scullery? No scullery is quite scary
01:01:22Hey scullery, it's got the word skull in it. Yeah, as opposed to the crypt was just got undead corpses in it
01:01:30Remember this they can die faster. They can die slow, but they have to die. Oh, we just do this in the morning
01:01:37Maybe too late for your friends by then. It will certainly be too late for Rebecca
01:01:43Well, this is it good luck Fletch, let's try to come back alive
01:01:52If I don't make it out of this there's one thing I want you to know I blame you entirely
01:02:07You
01:02:37Oh
01:02:56This is how your bloodline ends crying like a baby begging for your life
01:03:04Oh, please Jimmy put yourself together don't give her the satisfaction
01:03:10You give me my
01:03:13satisfaction
01:03:14Lottie just so you know before she turns you I found you really attractive
01:03:19Oh
01:03:30We have an escape plan what let's save us Fletch. He's fucking useless
01:03:38Cheeky prick
01:03:49Oh
01:03:54Damn told you he was fucking useless
01:04:01You ever actually fired that thing before first time what's your weak pick
01:04:19Oh
01:04:41Your friend's blood has already been torn the resurrection has begun
01:04:44I know we can't get out of it. Cut him in the darkness is already upon us your friends my Rebecca
01:04:49I reckon I could probably live with that and the entire fucking world. Oh
01:04:53You know, I put a guilt trip on don't you you fucker?
01:05:08The crypt is through here
01:05:10Oh
01:05:34There's only one solution the big cock sword what long story
01:05:41Haven't you got it?
01:05:43That's not you had it
01:05:45You're the one going on about how important is what we've got to do is wave this evil bitch to rise and stab her and you
01:05:49Forgotten the fucking sword go and get it. I'll try and keep them off you. I'm right you will get tell Rebecca
01:05:53I love her
01:06:10Oh
01:06:40Oh
01:07:10Oh
01:07:32It's playtime darling
01:07:40Oh
01:07:44You are
01:08:00The whole bunch have to help us what is not gonna work
01:08:04Oh
01:08:08What is it with you indoors, let's run it
01:08:17You taste divine
01:08:24Keys Vic has gone. What do you know? It's a hotwire rehearse. Yeah, no worries. Brilliant. Let's go
01:08:29Of course, I don't know to hotwire rehearse you fucking idiot shit
01:08:34Oh
01:08:40First I'm going to torture you then I'm going to tell you you'll be my plaything
01:08:48That's it then
01:08:50Problem with you James. You're a pessimist. You wanna grab some weapons we can be in for a rock
01:09:04Oh
01:09:15My that swords got a cock for a handle and that's funny in it, although apparently it's the only thing that will destroy that psycho
01:09:21Bitch, it's very powerful and very ancient. What sort of guy so get your own fucking sword
01:09:34Oh
01:10:04My type
01:10:34Oh
01:11:04Oh
01:11:34Oh
01:12:04Oh
01:12:34Oh
01:13:04Oh
01:13:35Is somebody taking the piss so the Delta is a mighty weapon indeed
01:13:44Looks like the Vic was right
01:13:46Everyone seems to know what's going on bar me. What just happened. Oh, it's all cock swords and scary stuff and history now
01:13:53I'll tell you later. Why don't you just tell me now? I will when mate. Do you want to calm down?
01:13:58I've had a bit of a busy night and I'll tell you in a minute
01:14:00Whoa, no, look sunlight the curse is lifted
01:14:09So they're not vampires anymore, yeah
01:14:13Cool are they still lesbians?
01:14:31That's a mighty fine hot wine skills you got there lady, thanks, right now what dunno go home
01:14:39Go home
01:14:40They've taken my friends. They very nearly took our lives and we never even dreamed they existed before tonight
01:14:46How can we just go home to our beds?
01:14:49What's she talking about
01:14:52This village is free, but more creatures like Camilla lurk in the dark corners of the world
01:14:57No one would believe us if you tell them we are the only people who know the truth
01:15:02We must go out there and fight this menace
01:15:05Are you suggesting we become?
01:15:08lesbian vampire killers
01:15:10That's what it takes
01:15:15Yeah, well I ain't got anything else on in particular at the moment so I'm in Jim
01:15:21Oh, come on, it's in your blood you destiny all that shit
01:15:27Come on you might as well join us
01:15:31That's being vampire killers it is that's right
01:15:50Oh
01:16:20Oh
01:16:50I
01:17:05Whisper
01:17:20I
01:17:50I
01:18:20I
01:18:50I
01:19:20I
01:19:50I
01:20:20I
01:20:50You