Comedian Matt Black performing live.
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00:00I used to work offshore. The reason you know I used to work offshore is because you don't have to tell people, it's part of the contract.
00:07So I used to work offshore a lot and I remember my daughter, she was crying at my dad's door as I was about to go away.
00:13She ran up to me, she was crying, she goes, Dad, where are you going? I said, I've got to go away and pay these for the family.
00:18So she ran upstairs crying, you know, and she came down with her piggy bank and then she emptied all the coins out and she goes, there you go Dad,
00:25now you don't need to work away anymore. And the old time, you know, I took the tears from her eyes and I took a change out of her hat and I said,
00:33oh sweetheart, I wouldn't get her fucking paid for that. You know what I mean?
00:40They say I'm a bit of a slur, they're not, they're stupid. They believe anything you tell them.
00:45You know, sat at Troubles End, the whole world in one night.
00:48The truth is you come through the window, take your monkey teeth and build some castle there.
00:53No, you're imagining things. Me and the neighbour were just resting on the sofa. They believe anything you tell them.
01:02My dad used to lie to me all the time. I remember my dad told me, don't go near swans or they'll break your arm.
01:10I believed him. I'm not going to counsel estate, right? I thought swans were a mythical creature.
01:15You know, like a unicorn or a zebra.
01:19And then I remember when I saw one and it was, there's no way that flamboyant chicken's taking me in a screw.
01:28I've never seen anyone come out of the pub with a broken arm going, never guess what happened to me boys.
01:33I went to the doctor and I got jammed by a bloody swan.