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First broadcast 29th June 2007.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer

Frankie Boyle
Joan Rivers
Gok Wan
Alexa Chung

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 out of 10 Cats, Queen of Comedy, Joan Rivers!
00:26Pop Princess, Alexa Chung!
00:29And their team captain, Jason Manford!
00:33And facing them tonight, frankly my dear, it's Frankie Boyle!
00:39Looking good, Scott Kwan!
00:42And their team captain, Sean Locke!
00:46Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, only four stuntmen have ever died during the making of a film?
01:05It was love, actually, and they took their own lives.
01:0931% of Britons have bathroom scales but never use them, which is a shame,
01:13because bathroom scales can be a very good way to test if you're obese,
01:16especially if you're using them to weigh butter.
01:20And British men spend on average 22 minutes on foreplay.
01:24Of course, that is spread out between all of us over the course of a year.
01:29Right, let's get started.
01:39What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:42We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:44and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing
01:46this week. It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:50Sean, Gok, Frankie, what have the nation been talking about?
01:53Well, I think it has to be the transition of power,
01:56where Tony Blair stepped down as Prime Minister,
01:58and Gordon Brown has quickly gone into his shoes.
02:02I personally have done very well, incredibly well, out of Tony Blair's time,
02:06because I had the wisdom, about ten years ago, to place a bet at Ladbrokes
02:10that his last meeting would be with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
02:13He would also be the Governor of California.
02:17And I put another bet on Brown's last meeting is with Dale Winton,
02:20who's been the leader of Hamas.
02:24And then Schwarzenegger, sitting there, and he said,
02:27we had a wonderful fried English breakfast. Did you see that nonsense?
02:30I did see that.
02:31Well, you cannot fry steroids, so you know the man who did it.
02:35I watched the press conference with Brown on Wednesday,
02:37and he says, I'm going to make some changes at number ten.
02:39And I presume he means policy-wise,
02:41but I thought he should just make some changes to number ten.
02:44Like getting rid of that door. It's been there years.
02:46Maybe change it into saloon style.
02:49Or some of those beads that they have to separate a news agent from his house.
02:55He should stone-clad it.
02:58I'd like to see him slayed down on a pool.
03:02Obviously, Brown looks like he's just taken the head off a bear cub.
03:06Obviously, Brown looks like he's just taken the head off a bear costume, like that.
03:15He's only got one eye. Well, only one of them works.
03:17If you're going to start making people in charge who've only got one eye,
03:20why not go with the legend that is Columbo?
03:24How good would he be in prime minister's question time?
03:26Just one more thing.
03:28Mr. Cameron, my wife's a great fan of yours.
03:32I thought it was so wrong of Tony Blair to go out and say,
03:36all his problems are based on his big mouth.
03:38I mean, you don't call your wife that in public.
03:42He's been called Bush's poodle.
03:43I know, well, they do play Frisbee together.
03:48Bush said, I've heard he's been called my poodle, but he's bigger than that.
03:53What, he's like a labradoodle?
03:57You've got Gordon Brown, you've got Tony Blair. Who looks better naked?
03:59Both mingers.
04:02I would do Tony Blair.
04:05Tony, I know you've got your afternoons off now.
04:08I met him on a job once.
04:10You met him on a job?
04:12What did you say, Gordon? Are you Tony Blair?
04:16I literally spun around and he was standing there,
04:18and it was like everything went really slow and there was this big light behind him.
04:22He is sexy. He is so...
04:25Everyone's like, what?
04:27He's going to be a peace envoy to the Middle East.
04:30Making that Blair, peace envoy for the Middle East
04:32is like making Mel Gibson in charge of a Holocaust museum.
04:36He'd certainly take an interest in the Nazi memorabilia, wouldn't he?
04:40He might bring peace to the Middle East because he brought peace to Northern Ireland,
04:42but then he didn't bomb Belfast with uranium shells and hang Jerry Adams in a shed.
04:49Get a bit of a dent in the Good Friday Agreement.
04:52Well, let's have a look and see if Brown and Blair are the most talked about thing this week.
05:00Not the most talked about, but it came in second.
05:02Tony Blair handed over power to Gordon Brown.
05:04He said, give this to David Cameron, would you?
05:08On Wednesday, Tony Blair finally went.
05:10At 12.30, he appeared at Prime Minister's Questions.
05:13At 1.30, he drove to his new home in Connaught Square.
05:16Then at 2.30, diagnosis murder, and 4.15, deal or no deal.
05:21Jason, Joan, Alexa, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
05:24Oh, Spice Girls. I'm thrilled because it's the first time they've been together in years,
05:28kind of like Paris Hilton's knees, and I got very upset about that.
05:33Victoria, apparently, as she's called now.
05:35I love it when a whore gets money.
05:40Posh came over to our country, and she thought she was going to be so terrific,
05:43and then she found out in Beverly Hills she's fat, so she came home.
05:48Alexa, you know your pop. How old were you the first time the Spice Girls came on?
05:5111 or 12, that first year of school.
05:55Secondary school. I didn't first go to school at 11.
05:59Girl power was a brilliant concept, wasn't it?
06:01It was like, you know, you're equal to boys, and if you're not, and if you're not treated equally,
06:04wear a boob tube and you'll be fine.
06:07I love the Spice Girls, and I love what they did with the styling,
06:09but I'm a bit concerned now that what's going to happen is,
06:11is they're going to come back, try and recreate all of that again,
06:15but having to wear very big supportive pants now.
06:17You put their knees up above their boobs and squeeze it all in.
06:20Is that what your show's about?
06:22Yes.
06:23Putting fat women in clothes that they shouldn't wear.
06:26It's not what it's called.
06:27Tune in next week on putting fat women in clothes they shouldn't wear.
06:33What's her name, the one that just had the Eddie Murphy baby?
06:35Scary.
06:36Scary, yes.
06:37And now that she's nursing, I said they should call her Dairy Spice.
06:41It turns out it was Eddie Murphy's kid.
06:43Well, it came out in a fat suit.
06:48Did you hear this?
06:49They've got this machine that digitally enhances their voices,
06:52and I'd really like to be in charge of that machine.
06:54Especially when Posh Pie steps up to the mic, just press off.
06:58And he's going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
07:02Am I the only person who's, like, really horrified by this?
07:05I mean, the only way I want to see Geri Halliwell draped in a Union Jack again
07:10would be if she dies in battle.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:19Let's have a look and see if the Spice Girls is there.
07:25Yes, the Spice Girls are getting back together.
07:27Sporty, baby, dozy, beaky, mick and titch.
07:31The Spice Girls were formed after Simon Fuller put an advert in the stage
07:34asking, are you between 18 and 23 with the ability to sing and dance?
07:38No one answered, but on the way home, he did meet some girls at a bus stop.
07:42Sean, Gok, Frankie, what else have the world been talking about this week?
07:45The big storms and flooding.
07:47Because I know they had them in Yorkshire, but in Scotland,
07:49we had, like, thunder and lightning storms, which I really enjoy,
07:53because during a storm, I always shag my girlfriend
07:56and pretend that it's the conception of the Antichrist.
07:58LAUGHTER
08:01LAUGHTER
08:13I really hope she doesn't watch this, especially because she's pregnant.
08:18The thing I like about the reporting of the floods
08:20is there's always someone in the high street with a canoe.
08:22My question is, where's he getting the canoe?
08:25He's nipping the boots.
08:28Oh, you haven't got a canoe? Fuck you.
08:31There's a lot of people in Yorkshire who want speedboats on bullseye in the 80s.
08:36For years, you know, everyone's thought...
08:38They thought, OK, he's a right prick, he's got a speedboat,
08:41but now who's the winner?
08:45Astonbury was wet as well, wasn't it?
08:47It was very muddy there.
08:49And there was trench foot, dysentery, peaches, all the Goldhoff girls.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:55APPLAUSE
09:01Shirley Bassey, she had wellies on.
09:03I love Shirley Bassey.
09:05What do you mean you like Shirley Bassey?
09:07I love Shirley Bassey.
09:09I thought she'd be a bit camp for you.
09:11You remind me of her, actually.
09:14Shirley Bassey?
09:16If you had some diamonds that had wellies on, I would not know the difference.
09:19It's true.
09:21You fucking would later on.
09:23Let's see if it's one of the top five stories.
09:27Yes, it is.
09:29Yes, Britain was battered by torrential storms this week.
09:32A state of emergency has been declared in Hull.
09:34It was declared in 1972 and nothing's been bloody done.
09:38Hundreds of people have fled Wolverhampton.
09:40It wasn't raining, but they found an old bus and saw an opportunity for a better life.
09:45Jason, Alexa and Joan, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
09:48Tom Cruise has been banned from Germany.
09:51He's not allowed in Germany to make this new film.
09:53I don't know, something about the Second World War.
09:55The littlest Nazi or something.
09:57You should be careful. He could be here.
09:59Everyone should look under their chairs.
10:01That polite wife that never speaks.
10:03Watch her eyes. She's always blinking SOL.
10:06Help me. Help me.
10:10And he's not allowed in because he's a Scientologist.
10:13In Germany, Scientology is not recognised as a church.
10:15It's seen as akin to Nazism.
10:17I got a little bit angry about it at first.
10:19And then I thought, you know what, it's a made-up religion.
10:21And us Jedis, we do not get annoyed.
10:26Have you considered Scientology?
10:28It's a bollocks religion.
10:29I'm going to educate you.
10:30Scientology asserts that we are descended from 13.5 trillion beings
10:35from an overpopulated corner of the galaxy
10:37who were dumped in Earth's volcanoes
10:39by an evil galactic warlord called Xenu 75 million years ago.
10:44Ziggy playing guitar.
10:47Sounds like a David Bowie lyric, doesn't it?
10:50It's just mental. I mean, there is absolutely no logic to it whatsoever.
10:54Yeah, but if it keeps them happy, who cares?
10:56It's when they come after you.
11:00How do they come after you again?
11:01Happy New Year.
11:04This is a film. It's about a guy who's apparently like a good Nazi.
11:08Yeah, it's Klaus von Stuffenberg.
11:10Here's a piece of meat before I kill you.
11:12What's a good Nazi?
11:14The whole thing is so insane.
11:16It's the Nazis versus the Scientologists.
11:18I never thought I'd be on the side of Hitler.
11:23Is there no one so culturally different
11:25that the Americans won't just have him played by Tom Cruise?
11:29Like, he was the last samurai.
11:31I'm surprised he wasn't in that fucking Muhammad Ali film.
11:36And he goes over as a samurai, right?
11:38Which, by definition, everyone trains when they're about five, right?
11:42He turns up aged 40 and just sort of pecks it up.
11:46You're going to be in real shock when you see Finding Nemo.
11:50They talk in that.
11:52Fish.
11:54What they do in films these days is outrageous.
11:57OK, let's have a look and see if Tom Cruise is up there.
12:02Yes, this is the story that Tom Cruise has been banned from filming in Germany
12:05because of his Scientology beliefs.
12:07So the Germans are calling Scientologists evil.
12:10That's the pot calling the kettle gay.
12:13Fingers on buzzers. What else have they been talking about this week?
12:16I think you might remember the tennis championships
12:18being played at Wimbledon this year. Again.
12:20Every year.
12:23The women's tournament, they're going to get paid the same as the lads
12:25for winning it for the first time.
12:26Venus and penis, whatever the hell their name is.
12:30Pow! Pow!
12:32And they don't use a racket.
12:36They've banned people from wearing fancy dress
12:38because they're worried about fathers for justice.
12:41They've told the security to look out for people dressed as Batman or Superman.
12:44But what if there's a proper emergency?
12:46What if something actually goes wrong,
12:48and Batman turns up and he can't fucking get in?
12:50That's mental.
12:51Batman will be able to get past a £3.20 an hour security guard
12:54and he'll be fuck all use anyway.
12:57Let's have a look and see if Wimbledon is there.
13:03Yes, Wimbledon started this week.
13:05Or Timberland, as it will never be known.
13:08Emin is thinking about getting into coaching,
13:10offering discount fares to all of England's market towns.
13:14Don't come Paris Hilton wasn't in.
13:16She's been all over the place, my God.
13:19What did you think of the Paris Hilton thing?
13:21She's such an asshole. She deserves it.
13:23The family were worried that going to jail would ruin her reputation.
13:25What as a cock-sucking layabout.
13:30They were scared she'd go on a hunger strike,
13:32so they took all her porridge and they flavoured it with sperm.
13:35And she gained four pounds.
13:39She goes, oh, this has got porridge in it.
13:44At the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Frankie and Gok have three points.
13:47Jason, Joan and Alexa have two points.
13:51Our next round is called Pick of the Polls.
13:53Our teams take it in turns to choose a picture from the board
13:56and then answer related statistical questions.
13:58Jason, Joan and Alexa, your turn first.
14:00What do you want to go for?
14:02This one in the bottom corner. Jesus saves.
14:04That picture represents Christians.
14:06And this is a poll with a whole question.
14:0821% of born-again Christians have what?
14:11No friends.
14:15I got some building work done at the beginning of the year
14:17and it was a born-again Christian builder's company.
14:19I thought, I can trust them, they'll be all right.
14:21And he was doing some work in the kitchen and he was sweating.
14:24And I went, no rest for the wicked.
14:26And without a gap, he just went, I wouldn't know, I'm one of the righteous.
14:29And just carried on.
14:32Are you going to be finished off with, you wanker?
14:37You know, any extremist are crazy and ugly.
14:41Ugly. Oh, yes.
14:43I went to a born-again convention, you know, Jesus loves me.
14:46He said if he loved you so much, he would have given you a chin.
14:49I don't think Jesus loves you so much.
14:51It's like the thing when some athlete will win a gold medal
14:53and go, oh, thanks for Jesus, Jesus helped me out in this.
14:56And you think, what kind of God lets Iraq happen,
15:00doesn't do anything but keeps a close eye on who wins the triple jump?
15:05Technically, it's kind of cheating, isn't it?
15:07You're using God to help you win a... It's worse than drugs.
15:12You're in the long jump and then you know that God's picked you up and gone,
15:15bleurgh, like that.
15:17It's not fair, is it?
15:19Something to do with a very petty crime.
15:21Have murdered.
15:25It's to do with music, that's my final clue.
15:27Have stolen CDs.
15:28I'll give you that, Joan, it's actually illegally downloaded music.
15:34Yes, 21% of born-again Christians have illegally downloaded music.
15:38I've not found Jesus, but then I think he should try and find me.
15:41He's omnipotent, I'm on telly, come on, Jesus, how tough's that?
15:46OK, Sean Steen, what do you want to go for?
15:48I'd like the one of Madonna, with her head coming out of a dwarf's buttocks.
15:53You've chosen a one-upmanship question.
15:55To find out who the celebrity Brits would most like to swap houses with,
15:58Madonna came second, who came top?
16:00I watch Through the Keyhole and I get the opportunity.
16:04It always seems to be Rusty Lee.
16:09Big laughing cook.
16:11She's got quite a nice house, you know.
16:13Is it Rusty Lee?
16:14You are devilishly close, Sean.
16:16Have they done Madonna?
16:18Have they done Madonna Through the Keyhole?
16:21Who would live in a house with all these stolen children?
16:26She didn't steal them, she adopted them.
16:30What celebrity's house do you want to live in?
16:32I'd swap with Jamie Oliver, cos he's a dick, right?
16:35And it only says I have to swap.
16:37He'd still have to live with my mum and dad.
16:40And they would fucking hate him.
16:42He's always spitting when he's cooking.
16:44I'm not chopping the fucking thing, right?
16:48Spitting, man.
16:49Well, I can tell you, you're absolutely right.
16:52Right?
16:54Yes, the celebrity Bruce would most likely swap houses with is Jamie Oliver.
16:58I'd like to swap houses with Jamie Oliver,
17:00because I live in a soundproof box two miles underground.
17:04So at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean's team
17:06and four points to Jason's team.
17:10Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
17:12what the worst fashion mistake a man can make is.
17:22APPLAUSE
17:25Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
17:27The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:29In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement.
17:31All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
17:34Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate the statistic.
17:37SCREAMS
17:43MUSIC PLAYS
17:51MUSIC CONTINUES
18:09SCREAMS
18:18MUSIC CONTINUES
18:21APPLAUSE
18:25That was Michael Jackson's Thriller.
18:27It hasn't dated well, has it?
18:30Here's your related statistic.
18:32More Americans own a Thriller CD than own a passport.
18:35Is that true or false?
18:37I would think that more Americans would own a copy of Thriller
18:40than own a passport, because we love souvenirs.
18:43And that's the last time you'll ever see Michael Jackson black.
18:47That's the ironic thing, isn't it?
18:49Because if he used the picture from Thriller on his passport,
18:52nobody would let him in the country.
18:54You're like, well, you don't look like that, do you, honky boy?
18:57I'm pretty sure at passport control they're not allowed to say honky boy.
19:02I sort of believe that,
19:04but then I believe that more Americans own a rifle than own a spoon.
19:10Americans have got this crazy idea that people don't like them.
19:15Well, nobody likes the hand that feeds you, you know?
19:18And we take care of the world, to a point.
19:20Yeah, basically we take care of the world, yeah.
19:23That seems to have launched something. I'll take care of that.
19:28We also saved a lot of lives in World War II by pressing that button.
19:31Yeah, three years fucking late.
19:36I don't want to go on about it.
19:39Are you a fan of Michael Jackson?
19:40I'm a very close friend of his still.
19:42Still?
19:43Still.
19:44You've stuck with him?
19:45Well, to a point.
19:47My grandson is growing up, so we won't see him for a couple of years.
19:53We used to exchange gifts. I mean, we're that close.
19:55And every Christmas I would give him hankies.
19:57And then one year I realised this is stupid, he has no nose.
20:02More Americans own a Thriller CD than a passport. True or false?
20:05What are you going to go with, Sean?
20:06I think false.
20:07What are you going to go for?
20:08Absolutely true.
20:09I'm going to go with that.
20:10True.
20:11Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
20:17Yes, 23% of Americans have a passport.
20:20Only 9% own a copy of the Thriller album.
20:23The Thriller video does have amazing special effects.
20:25In one bit, Michael Jackson looks black and kisses a girl.
20:29So at the end of that round, it's four points for Sean's team and four points for Jason's team.
20:36And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:38Who's your first one?
20:39Grandparents' most annoying habit.
20:43Turning up in a porno film.
20:46You haven't.
20:49Wetting themselves.
20:52Is it dying just as you become addicted to their heart tablets?
20:58My grandad had narcolepsy.
20:59He'd fall asleep all the time.
21:00And when we were kids, me and my brother would wait for him to fall asleep on the couch,
21:03and then go upstairs, get changed, and then pretend he'd missed the day.
21:06My grandad used to drive a black cab.
21:08And he used to say to me, he said,
21:09yeah, I drove a cab through the Blitz.
21:11And I used to say to him, yeah, that's great, grandad,
21:13but I'd be a lot prouder if it'd been a tank.
21:18And I thought, who's hailing a cab during a bombing run?
21:23Oh, it's when they go to, like, do you have Costco here where you can buy in bulk?
21:26Oh, we have, yeah, we have Cash & Carrot, yeah.
21:28And they're 85 years old, and they're buying 18 jars of mayonnaise.
21:32I'm going to tell you the answer.
21:33Grandparents' most annoying habit is they use emotional blackmail to make you visit them.
21:37I would visit my grandma, but I can't remember where we left her.
21:42OK. Worst fashion mistake for men.
21:44Mobile phones on belts.
21:46Absolutely, 100% the worst is when people walk around with a mobile phone on their belt,
21:51and they're like, oh, I'm going to visit my grandma,
21:53and they're like, oh, I'm going to visit my grandma,
21:55and they're like, oh, I'm going to visit my grandma,
21:57and they're like, oh, I'm going to visit my grandma,
21:59and they're like, oh, I'm going to visit my grandma,
22:00and they walk about with a mobile phone on their belt,
22:01and they're not an electrician.
22:04Short shorts and low testicles.
22:09When a bit of brain comes out the side of a bikini bottom.
22:13That is a low.
22:15Is it like a blue corduroy suit and, like,
22:17a green and blue striped shirt with bits of cream like there,
22:22and, like, your hair combed over, like, to one side like the 40s?
22:26Yeah.
22:27Like that?
22:28Especially when you've got a face like a pumpkin.
22:35What do you think of Frankie and Sean's outfits?
22:41I say outfits, it's just their clothes really.
22:45Go for us, tear us, rip us to shreds.
22:47I think you both look very attractive and I'm very looking forward to going in the green one later.
22:52I think we look like the shop window at Specsavers, don't we?
22:57Classic, but socks and sandals.
22:59Correct.
23:04Yes, I can tell you the worst fashion mistake for men is socks with sandals.
23:08As a fashion statement, socks with sandals says I'm either a teacher, a German or a c***.
23:14Surely the worst fashion mistake was shooting Gianni Versace in the face.
23:20Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:22which means the final scores are Jason, Joan and Alexa have four points,
23:25Sean, Frankie and Gok are the winners with five points.
23:31Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
23:35That's it from us, goodnight.
23:41The Chiquitas of comedy with a bunch of smack the pony antics on E4 right now.
23:47We're here on Channel 4, the crowd are ready and it's time to say bye-bye to Billy in Big Brother.