First broadcast 30th June 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Jason Manford
Phill Jupitus
Germaine Greer
Fiona Allen
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Jason Manford
Phill Jupitus
Germaine Greer
Fiona Allen
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, comic and DJ Phil Jupitez,
00:27Aussie Rules, Jermaine Greer, and their captain, John Locke.
00:33And facing them tonight, Funny Girl, Fiona Allen,
00:37Angel Of The North, Jason Manford,
00:41and their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:45Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:51Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:54a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:57Did you know, for example, the average person thinks that 49 is the age when we stop being young?
01:02Leah from Big Brother has a lot to pack into the next six months.
01:06Unattractive people earn 13% less than beautiful people,
01:10and that's based on a survey of supermodels and dinner ladies.
01:14And 95% of creatures on Earth are smaller than a chicken's egg.
01:19So when I think about it, I've actually got quite a big cock.
01:22Let's get started.
01:30What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:33We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:35and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:38It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:41Dave's team, what have they been talking about?
01:44Rather predictably, I'm going to go for the World Cup again.
01:47We're in the quarter-finals.
01:51Beat Ecuador 1-0. I had a bet, won a few quid, I bet it was going to be shit.
01:57Beckham scored the only goal, 1-1-0, so well done and all that.
02:00Then we're sick.
02:03And I'm wondering whether it was just like he's run out of celebrations.
02:06Footballers invent celebrations, don't they?
02:09He'd done the baby thing, I've done that one, I've done the kissing the shirt and all that, I've done all that.
02:12I know what. Oh, fuck it.
02:16If there are panda weights at the corner flag, Wayne Rooney's having a dump.
02:22My favourite aspect of the World Cup has been the recurrent appearance of Frank Lampard's disappointed face.
02:29Because he keeps putting the ball wide and then he goes...
02:35Jason, any thoughts on the World Cup?
02:37I just think they've got us a bit soft, to be honest, all these footballers.
02:40There's so many fouls and free kicks and all the time just all diving over at me ankle.
02:45There was a bloke the other day for Ghana who was out because of a dead leg.
02:49Now, that's not an injury, is it, a dead leg? That's a minor annoyance.
02:54When I was ten, I had three dead legs in one day. I still had to do PE and walk home.
02:59Watson came up Trump's again, though, I know I do it every week.
03:02Ecuador brought a substitute on, he's got his list of facts and he goes,
03:05Oh, he's bringing on Rodriguez. Oh, interestingly enough, this is the smallest man in the world.
03:16There was a bit of trouble as well, wasn't there? Some England fans kicked off.
03:19There was finally some trouble. As everyone said, the England fans were behaving very well and there was a bit of trouble.
03:23I saw it coming because before the World Cup, I saw near me, there was a driving range adapted for chairs.
03:30They were practising like that.
03:33Just warming up for the World Cup.
03:36If they had a World Cup in Sweden, there'd be no end of a vast variety of furniture to choose from.
03:42What are we throwing? Hooga. All right, OK.
03:46But that's an integrated shelving system.
03:50But I was surprised about the wags, actually, and all the footage on them.
03:54And I think, is it that England are playing so shit that they have to keep doing cutaways of posh in the crowd?
03:59My mate, as you can see, they've all fallen out.
04:01Cheryl Tweedy. And apparently they're in their own little gang, just two of them.
04:04Billy No-Mates.
04:06All the other girlfriends and wives don't understand the pressures they're under.
04:09And I was just thinking, well, what pressures?
04:11She was in a shit band, she is in a shit band, and the core audience are aged six.
04:14What's pressured?
04:17Leo jumped up at the goal, didn't he, and went, Yeah, yeah, yeah!
04:19What's happening? No idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
04:22And also, you know, it's posh when the little boys go, Yeah, don't get that ice cream near me.
04:25Hey!
04:26Germaine, any thoughts on the football? Have you been following it?
04:28I should confess that I've been supporting Australia.
04:31Robbed. Robbed.
04:33Well, it's only taken five generations and finally the Australians know how it feels to get robbed.
04:46Right, well, let's have a look and see if the World Cup is one of the top five talking points.
04:49I imagine it is.
04:51In with the bullet at number one.
04:54Yes, England are still in the World Cup.
04:56There's been a lot of competition between the wags, or wives and girlfriends, in a series of fantasies I've been having.
05:04Right, Sean, Germaine and Phil, what have the nation been talking about this week?
05:07My favourite story of the week is the man who just chose to sort out a problem with a digger.
05:13It's always the first place, isn't it?
05:14Yeah. He owed them some money.
05:15He used to have a caravan site and didn't pay the rent.
05:18And they sent him a letter, they said, you know, you owe us a thousand pounds, actually, in something.
05:22And he went, I'll show you a thousand pounds.
05:24And he came back with a digger.
05:26And smashed their house up and all their cars.
05:29Do you want to have a look and see what the damage was?
05:30Yeah.
05:34Now, you see, to us, that is a photograph of terrible, terrible devastation.
05:38But to him, as a man that drives a heavy plant, that's a bit like a CV or a calling card.
05:42Yeah.
05:44Apparently he's very calm. Everyone said he was driving, he was very calm.
05:46Well, I like that. When the police got him out, he was going, it's all right, I've got the hang of it now.
05:51Didn't do it first, but it's easy, next lift.
05:54But didn't he rent it as well? Didn't he rent the...
05:57Yeah.
05:58So he spent 450 quid hiring it.
06:00And they should have known, when they're looking at the form, they're going, hang on, he's ticked the box for revenge.
06:07Probably the bloke said to him, oh, pay me when you come back.
06:09You've seen that on the news, he's thought, oh, for fuck's sake.
06:12Probably nobody was suspicious when they saw a builder at seven o'clock in the morning.
06:21Right, let's have a look and see whether the JCB man is one of the top five most talked about things.
06:29Yes, this is the story of a man who owed a landlady £1,000 and destroyed her house with a JCB rather than pay the debt.
06:36He was taken to the police station for questioning, the main question being, are you mental?
06:42JC, what else has the nation been talking about?
06:44Prince Charles' tax bill. His son, God bless him.
06:47He said, Prince Charles earns £270,000 a week. That's twice as much as David Beckham.
06:54Those two people are not comparable, are they?
06:56You know, my mum's a nurse, she earns 15 grand a year. Twice as much as your average clown.
07:04I was a bit puzzled that Camilla only cost the taxpayer 2,000 quid.
07:08I wouldn't pay more for her.
07:11It's a lot of hay, isn't it?
07:18If we do win the World Cup and she goes to meet all the footballers and she's shaking, you know, shaking Wayne Rooney's hand
07:24and there's just a picture of them in the paper saying, Donkey and Shrek.
07:30OK, this was not one of the big stories of the week, but it was in the news.
07:33Sean, Jermaine and Phil, what else have the nation been talking about?
07:36I think they've been talking about the guy who gave away $30 billion to Bill Gates, another very rich man.
07:43He gave it to the Bill Gates Foundation.
07:45Yes.
07:46Is the man's name Warren Buffett?
07:48Warren Buffet.
07:50Buffett is where he made his money. He invented the buffet and he gets a percentage on every buffet that's ever held.
07:58Well, some would say it was invented by Laszlo Smorgasbord.
08:04But he never painted it.
08:07I like the idea of what sort of thank you he expected.
08:10Because you hand someone that much money, you expect a pretty big thank you, don't you?
08:13You expect someone to go, ooh, ooh, thank you!
08:17I like the way Bill Gates went, oh, cheers.
08:23What?
08:24How long did it take him to put it in the head of one of them orphans at a service station?
08:30These two pound coins.
08:32Not a real orphan, obviously.
08:34No, not a real orphan.
08:35But, you know, who are they going to tell?
08:38Well, that's your answer. Let's have a look and see whether it's up there.
08:43Yes, it is.
08:44Yes, the world's second richest man, Warren Buffett, has given $31 billion to charity.
08:48Bill Gates said he would use the money wisely before setting out on his mission to the centre of the earth to discover a lost nation of cats.
08:59Well, Sean's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
09:02Is it the chocolates?
09:03Cadbury?
09:04What else have the nation been talking about this week?
09:05Is it the chocolates?
09:06Cadburys have called back a load of chocolate bars because they said they had salmonella in them.
09:11$250 million?
09:12Yeah, something like that, doesn't matter, really.
09:14A huge number.
09:15Once it's gone over ten, I just lose. I get too excited.
09:19Chocolate?
09:20They're also saying something which is pretty balmy.
09:22They're saying, well, there's not a lot of salmonella in them, there's just a little bit.
09:26Just enough.
09:27Not going to spoil your meal.
09:28That's a dream diet, isn't it, for Posh Spice, that.
09:31You eat that chocolate, wait for 20 minutes for it to kick in, throw your guts up, wait another 20 minutes,
09:36and then all through the night, every 20 minutes, you throw up, morning, one stone lighter.
09:40What a diet.
09:43At the weekend, it really affected sales of chocolate.
09:45Nobody put away a box of chocolates as presents for ladies or anything like that, all because the lady loves.
09:50A month off work.
09:55Let's see if it's there.
09:56Let's see.
09:58Yes, Cadbury's have recalled more than one million chocolate bars because of a feared salmonella contamination.
10:04The cause of the salmonella outbreak was a leaking pipe, which is ironically also one of the symptoms.
10:11OK, one more thing to get.
10:12Fingers on buzzers.
10:13What else have the nation been talking about?
10:14Wimbledon.
10:15Disappointment for British fans.
10:16Tim Henman's out.
10:17I think, actually, Tim Henman going out to Wimbledon is the true meaning of sport relief.
10:22Oh, my God.
10:24Apparently, he's going to come out and he's going to be a coach now, isn't he?
10:27Coach driver.
10:28He's going to be a coach.
10:30You're not going to send your kids to that man as a coach, are you?
10:33I'd go out there and underachieve.
10:35They're renaming the...
10:36They're saying that we're going to stop calling it Henman Hill,
10:39and we're going to change it to Murray Mound.
10:41That's what they said in the paper.
10:42I thought, if they just changed it to Shiteep, that could be all of them.
10:46I don't know who started the idea that women should be prepared the same as men.
10:51Emily Pankhurst.
10:54It was Venus Williams.
10:55Was it Venus Williams?
10:56Because Andy Murray's jumped.
10:57He's come the other way and said they shouldn't because they don't play five sets.
11:00Not only do they get paid less, they don't get a trophy.
11:03They just get a plate.
11:05And it does fit in a dishwasher.
11:07I thought the real telling thing was, as you see, David Cameron and Jonathan Ross.
11:10And he's such a sort of publicity junkie now.
11:12And they had Martina Navarrette all over on.
11:14And Jonathan Ross cuts to the green room where David Cameron was.
11:16He said, what did you think about it?
11:17He goes, yes, I think we should definitely look into it.
11:20Don't worry, I'll sort that out.
11:21Any problems, I'll sort them out, like he's fucking Batman.
11:26Well, should we have a look at the next one?
11:27Yeah, let's have a look at the next one.
11:28I think we should.
11:29Let's have a look at the next one.
11:30Let's have a look at the next one.
11:31Let's have a look at the next one.
11:32Let's have a look at the next one.
11:33Let's have a look at the next one.
11:35Well, should we have a look and see whether Wimbledon is one of the most talked about things this week?
11:39Yes, of course it is.
11:41Yes, Wimbledon started this week.
11:43Of course, it is nearly 30 years since a British lesbian won at Wimbledon.
11:49Right, well, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Phil and Jermaine have three points.
11:52Dave, Fiona and Jason have two points.
11:56The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:58We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world.
12:01And unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:03Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information.
12:06So it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:08Here's your first question.
12:09One in ten families have fallen out over what?
12:12The DNA results.
12:17Is it one in ten families have fallen out over the front doorstep?
12:23How many times have I told you?
12:29Is it the paedophile in the loft?
12:34Stop feeding him!
12:38We need the rent.
12:40He comes down at night.
12:41He's all right.
12:44Is it that, sir?
12:45No, it isn't that.
12:46Is it that, Mr Carr?
12:48I think it's the will.
12:49Correct.
12:52Yes, one in ten families has fallen out over a will.
12:55Sean, Phil and Jermaine, here's your next one.
12:56Seven percent of museum visitors have what?
12:59Seven percent of museum visitors have lost their virginity in the ribcage of a triceratops.
13:07I reckon it's seven percent of museum visitors have touched an exhibit.
13:11You're devilishly close with that.
13:14They don't like it when you touch stuff in museums, do they?
13:15They hate it when you go and touch everything.
13:17Except that I was once in a museum in Florence, which is the Archaeological Museum.
13:21It's got this amazing male torso.
13:23Great, big, muscly thing.
13:24And I thought the guard wasn't there when I was there.
13:28And I hopped up on the plinth and had a rub up against it in my silk dress.
13:33And then I realised that the guard was hiding behind another sculpture,
13:36because lots of girls were doing that.
13:38And he was getting off on it, hiding in his...
13:40Yeah, I know why he was hiding.
13:50What I like to do is I like to heckle the guided tours.
13:54He's lying. Pharaohs, they're from Ireland.
13:59Come on, have a proper guess then.
14:00Seven percent of museum visitors have what?
14:02Wondered what it was like in the olden days.
14:09I wonder.
14:14Slightly more than touching something.
14:15Smashed it.
14:16I'll give you that, yeah.
14:17Good one.
14:19Yes, seven percent of museum visitors have knocked something over.
14:22Fair enough. Out of the way, Grandma, I've got some art to see.
14:27So, at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points for Sean's team
14:29and five points for Dave's team.
14:33Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
14:35what animal you'd like to be reincarnated as.
14:48Welcome back, players of Ten Counts.
14:50The next round is Believe It or Not.
14:52In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement
14:54and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
14:57Dave, Fiona and Jason are to go first.
14:59To illustrate their statistic, let's have a look at a clip
15:01of an animal psychic channelling the spirit of a dolphin.
15:21DOLPHIN WHISTLES
15:43You are the true welcome, dear friends.
15:45It is our great delight and pleasure to be able to share this time
15:48and this space with you.
15:50You, dear friends, within human form.
15:53We, within dolphin form.
16:00OK, here is your related statistic.
16:0352% of Brits would like to be reincarnated as a dolphin
16:07rather than any other animal. True or false?
16:10I don't know why anybody would want to come back as an animal.
16:13You know, we're human.
16:15We're the best animal in the world.
16:17As a human, I only want to come back as a human
16:20because I'm number one, or a unicorn.
16:24You know, because people love horses, don't they?
16:26They love horses. Imagine how much they'd love a flying horse.
16:29And if they didn't love you, fly off.
16:33It's a very good point, Jason. What would you guys want to come back as?
16:36I could probably come back as a dally longlegs,
16:38live for six hours and some fucker pulls your wings off.
16:42Or I'd come back as a dolphin in a fish pool in Blackpool
16:46and somebody going, right, you, jumper, you won't get a fucking pilchard.
16:51Dolphins have got the edge for me, I think.
16:53They're a very sexually active dolphin.
16:55They have group sex, they do all that.
16:57And the penis is prehensile, they can pick stuff up and carry it.
17:00That's brilliant, that. That's a bit flower-arranging. Look at that.
17:05Germaine, what would you come back as?
17:07I will come back as fungus and bacteria and that suits me fine.
17:12You know, it's a comedy show, don't it?
17:1652% of Brits would like to be reincarnated as a dolphin rather than any other animal.
17:20True or false?
17:22False. False.
17:24So you're going for false?
17:25False.
17:26Well, I can tell you that the answer is false.
17:32Yes, it's actually 13% that would like to come back as a dolphin.
17:35Of course, lots of people don't believe in reincarnation,
17:37but I think you may as well. You only live once.
17:40Right, OK. Sean, Phil and Germaine,
17:42let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
17:44$720.
17:45$720. All our bids are locked in. Good luck to you all. Our prize is $799.
17:49Merry Christmas.
18:01Oh, I'm shaking.
18:14Are you all right?
18:21Are you OK?
18:22I think so. I think so.
18:25You all right?
18:31You should have seen Germaine when she found out she was coming on this show.
18:35That was the Australian prices. Right, here is your related statistic.
18:3867% of game show contestants describe appearing on television
18:42as the most exciting thing that has ever happened to them.
18:44True or false?
18:45She looked horrified.
18:46She looked like she'd been given, you know,
18:48tickets for dinner with Mick Hucknall or something.
18:53It's called hysterics, isn't it?
18:55Yeah.
18:56They should have slugged her.
19:00What kind of a feminist are you?
19:04I would slug you if you had hysterics.
19:06Will you? Do I have to have hysterics?
19:09How about if I'm just cheeky?
19:13Female eunuch this.
19:18Oh, I don't want to be here.
19:21The thing about game shows, they always say to the contestants,
19:24they always say to them, you know,
19:26there's a funny thing that happens to you once, isn't there?
19:28Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:29Big biscuits or something.
19:30And they go, oh, yes, yeah, I bought some rich tea
19:34and I got them home and it turned out
19:37I forgot who got it wrong actually, but we like digestives.
19:41Those are the news and stories they tell.
19:43So you can see that actually the anecdotes they have in their life
19:46are so pitiful that television probably would blow their minds.
19:51Germaine, you were on one, though, weren't you?
19:53You were on Big Brother.
19:54Was it the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you?
19:56No.
19:57What was?
19:58Almost anything else.
20:01I loathed it.
20:02And they make up rules that you consider yourself bound by
20:06and then they change them and they make it as hard as they can.
20:09This was Big Brother, wasn't it? Not your days in Guantanamo.
20:18What do you think, Sean?
20:19I think it's absolutely spot on, Jimmy.
20:23That statistic isn't a statistic, it's a fact.
20:29I'm staring down the barrel of the truth there
20:33and I'm saying yes.
20:36I can tell you that the answer is false.
20:44In fact, only 16% of game show contestants describe appearing on television
20:48as the most exciting thing that's ever happened to them.
20:52I...
20:53Why?!
20:56So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points for Sean's team
20:58and six points for Dave's team.
21:03And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:05I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
21:07It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:10Here is your first one.
21:11The world's worst taste.
21:13Crow omelette.
21:16Get it, crow.
21:19Is it the medicine that your vet prescribed for your horse
21:21because he's at stud and he can't get an erection?
21:27Is it when you're buttering toast and you get a bit of margarine on your hand
21:30and you go, I'll just eat that.
21:32Oh, God.
21:34Ah, horrible.
21:37When you're in a plane and you crash and you're a rugby team in the Andes
21:41and you've got to eat each other.
21:44Like, when you're eating, do you go...
21:48Dave tastes great!
21:50That's good, Dave!
21:53Well, it'd be Jose, wouldn't it, because they're Argentinian.
21:55Well, I know there's one called Dave.
21:56Is there?
21:57Yeah, an Argentinian called Dave.
21:58Yep.
21:59Yeah, you know the one, Dave.
22:01It was Dave Lopez.
22:05I'll give you a clue, it's a vegetable.
22:07Oh, a banana.
22:08Brassels sprouts.
22:11Correct answer, Germaine.
22:12Yeah, well done.
22:15Worst thing about gyms.
22:18And a gym is...
22:26Do you know what I hate about gyms?
22:28Everything's so bloody heavy.
22:32Oh, my God, you think, in this day and age,
22:34you have to make them so bloody heavy.
22:37Worst thing about gyms, personal trainers.
22:40You don't like personal trainers?
22:41No one else.
22:42One of them said to me, you've got really skinny wrists,
22:44if you don't put muscle on there,
22:45you might fall over when you're old and break them.
22:49So it is an exercise.
22:53Are you sure he was a gym instructor?
22:55Is this at school?
22:56Do you want to report it to someone?
22:59Worst thing about gyms.
23:01People laughing at your arms.
23:03You know what, I'm going to give you that.
23:08Yes, the worst thing about gyms is feeling inadequate.
23:10My gym have a special offer on at the moment,
23:12it's £50 a month, or 40 if you promise to never, ever go.
23:17Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round
23:19and the end of the show, which means the final scores are
23:22Sean, Phil and Jermaine have 6 points,
23:24Dave, Fiona and Jason are the winners with 7 points.
23:27Congratulations.
23:29Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:31and to all of you for watching at home.
23:33That's it from us, goodnight.
23:39Well, next on 4, Aisling thinks she's going home,
23:41but she's actually moving next door to meet 5 new housemates
23:44in the Big Brother house version 2.0.
23:47And at 5 to 11, Rob Lowe says hi to the Friday Night Project.