Best Seller Romance Series Book 3 Part 5/6

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Best Seller Romance Audiobook Best Seller Romance Series Book 3 Best Seller Romance Series Book 3 Part 5/6

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00:00:00was happening here.

00:00:01"'This one's a keeper,' my new best friend said, gesturing to Finn.

00:00:06"'And he's got it bad for you. You're a lucky lady.'

00:00:09I looked to him for confirmation, and he nodded as if his infatuation with me were common knowledge.

00:00:16And really, that was what it became. Finn's charm traveled at lightning speed through the

00:00:23female-fueled rumor mill. He must have dropped information about his profession,

00:00:27as he was routinely referred to as the Stuntman in conversations around the hospital.

00:00:32And even though only .01% of the nurses had met him, boy, did they love him.

00:00:37Strangely enough, the goodwill projected toward Finn reflected positively on me,

00:00:43and for the first time since starting at the hospital, I wasn't feeling like such an outsider.

00:00:48While my co-workers continued to sing his praises, I was busy trying to fight him off

00:00:54with everything I had, but damned if Finn wasn't an expert at pulling the very best out of me.

00:00:59When I was with him, Gon was the uptight perfectionist, and in her place was an open,

00:01:06ridiculously happy young woman without a care in the world. It didn't take much on Finn's part.

00:01:11No grand gestures were needed. In fact, it was the smallest acts of kindness that

00:01:18chipped away at my heart the fastest. A prime example of such sweet moments was

00:01:23the night he wanted to have dinner with me, but I was too tired to go out. Finn offered

00:01:28to pick us up something to eat, and asked what I wanted. My reply was a simple,

00:01:32surprise me. And, of course, he did. It wasn't so much what he brought me

00:01:38that impressed so much, but the enormous amount of thought he'd put into his choice.

00:01:42Upon opening the door to find my man holding a familiar-looking white bag,

00:01:47I asked in amusement,

00:01:49"'You brought me In-N-Out burger?'

00:01:51"'Okay, so hear me out before you judge my choice as cheap and immature.'

00:01:55"'I would never do that.'

00:01:57"'Uh-huh, right. So remember when you said to surprise you?'

00:02:01"'Well, I actually gave it a lot of thought. I figured you're the type of girl who tries

00:02:06to eat healthy, not necessarily because you want to, but because you think it's

00:02:11what you should do. So if I brought you a salad, you wouldn't be surprised.'

00:02:15Then I thought, what about bringing you something expensive, like steak or lobster?

00:02:21But then I was like,

00:02:22"'You might expect that because you'd think I was trying to impress you. And naturally,

00:02:27if that were the case, you wouldn't be surprised.'

00:02:29So then I started thinking, what would Emma not get for herself? If you had to pick up

00:02:35dinner on your way home, what place would be the most unlikely for you to stop at?

00:02:39And then I remembered how much you hated waiting in line, and what restaurant always has the

00:02:44longest drive-thru line. That's right, In-N-Out Burger. So I took a chance, and here you go.

00:02:50Surprise!'

00:02:51And like an idiot, my lips trembled as my eyes misted over. Finn's smile immediately

00:02:58faded as he took in my emotional response.

00:03:00"'Oh, shit. You don't like it? I'm sorry.'

00:03:05Shaking my head, I stepped into him, draping my arms over his shoulders and kissing his

00:03:10thoughtful lips. The minute we connected, I felt the familiar excitement of our bodies

00:03:15pressed against each other, and my physical hunger was replaced by something more primal.

00:03:21Pushing him against the wall, my hands went to his waistband and into his jeans.

00:03:26Still clutching the fast-food bag in his hand for dear life,

00:03:30Finn gasped in surprise as I showed him just how much I appreciated his efforts.

00:03:35Love was an entity unto itself. I knew how it felt in the platonic sense,

00:03:42having loved my family all my life. And I knew what it felt like to love the inanimate—a

00:03:47particular piece of music, or a book, or a pair of shoes. But nothing could have prepared me for

00:03:53love in the romantic sense. As so many others had discovered before me, this type of love could not

00:03:59be described in words. It was a feeling, a look, a touch. I think I knew for sure the night we

00:04:06were sitting peacefully together on my couch, fingers entwined, with smiles on our contented

00:04:11faces. I remembered thinking there was nothing more I needed in the world, just he and I sitting

00:04:17quietly beside each other forever. That's when I knew I loved Finn, and that I would do anything

00:04:23to ensure his happiness, even if it meant sacrificing my own.

00:04:29I had hoped we could have a longer run, that our fingers could remain one for just a little

00:04:34bit longer, but when the heart of the one you love was in need of protecting, time was of the

00:04:39essence. Where are we going? I asked for the hundredth time as we rolled down the Pacific

00:04:45Coast Highway. It's a surprise, he said, rolling his eyes at my impatience, all while enjoying the

00:04:52power he had over me. He knew damn well I hated surprises, and so he made sure to always pepper

00:04:59our dates with one or two, just to keep me off guard. Planning and preparing had always been

00:05:05incredibly important to me, but lately I'd been forced to relax on the rules and it felt good,

00:05:10for a change, not to be a slave to the order. My house was still immaculately clean, of course,

00:05:16but if a dish needed to sit in the sink for a few minutes longer so Finn and I could get it

00:05:21on in the bedroom, I was okay with that. And if Cynthia hacked up a hairball, it could wait.

00:05:27No, never mind, a hairball could never wait. That shit got scooped up mid-fuck, if necessary.

00:05:34But is this surprise a fancy one, like I'm going to be embarrassed by my choice of clothing,

00:05:40or will it be a surprise where I pretend I'm excited but I'm really not?

00:05:44Way to be romantic. I'd pour my heart into these surprises and that's your attitude.

00:05:49The smile on his face told me he wasn't offended. In fact, getting Finn riled up took way more than

00:05:55a simple insult. So what you're saying is this surprise is crap? No, I'm saying it's not a

00:06:03surprise, if you know what it is. Now shut up and let me entertain you. I settled back in my seat,

00:06:09a contended smile on my face. Finn really did enjoy doing nice things for me, and it felt

00:06:15amazing to be pampered and cared for. What I liked best was he didn't feel the need to wow me

00:06:21with the expensive. Finn's surprises were more heartfelt. He put effort into his choices,

00:06:27for no other reason than to put a smile on my face, like the dopey one I was wearing now.

00:06:33Finn pulled off onto the shoulder of the Pacific Coast Highway. I knew where we were,

00:06:37and I smiled at him. I'd been here plenty of times as a kid.

00:06:41The Sandhill

00:06:44Finn's surprise was a two-hundred-foot vertical climb up a sand dune, a rite of passage for any

00:06:49native Southern Californian. As kids, the Sandhill had been a Macalester must-stop on our way back

00:06:55from the Malibu beaches. We'd race up that hill at full speed, gradually losing that childlike energy,

00:07:02and crawl the remainder of the way up. He nodded.

00:07:06You ready for a hike?

00:07:09Looking up at the mountainside, I hadn't remembered it being so high. Or maybe the

00:07:13height issue hadn't been as much of a problem for me as a child. I knew I'd grown more cautious over

00:07:18the years, but seeing things I used to easily conquer terrifying me now made me realize just

00:07:24how much I'd changed. I no longer wanted to be a scared, world-weary Emma, and it had taken

00:07:30Finn's surprises to make me realize it. Let's do it.

00:07:35The climb was brutal. There was nothing like a giant sand dune to make you feel out of shape,

00:07:40and while I had to bend over and catch my breath, Finn was barely winded.

00:07:46We stood at the top, holding hands, and looked out over the ocean.

00:07:51Peace was the only word that came to mind. We plopped down into the sand, and I lay back in

00:07:56Finn's arms as we watched the waves roll in, and sun dip lower over the horizon.

00:08:02Tell me more about your family, I asked. I'm curious about Rocky.

00:08:07He tensed. Finn, as open as he was with me, seemed to have a few skeletons in the closet,

00:08:14and those bones appeared to have something to do with his brother.

00:08:18He's younger, right? Yeah, by fifteen months.

00:08:22Do you look alike? God no, he's way better looking.

00:08:26No way is that possible, I said, snuggling in closer.

00:08:30Oh, trust me on this one. He may be a total screw-up, but he's not lacking in the looks

00:08:35department. We're half-brothers, and when we were kids, we used to imagine what our fathers looked

00:08:41like. Rocky insisted his was some medieval viking because he was big and broad and fair.

00:08:48Growing up, no one ever believed we were brothers,

00:08:50what with me looking like I'd stuck my finger in a light socket my whole life.

00:08:55I reached up and gently ran my fingers through his curls.

00:08:59Once reviled, they were probably my favorite thing about him now.

00:09:04Are you close with him? We were, Finn said. I detected a sad story to follow.

00:09:11Not anymore? Not for a long time. He paused a moment, clearly searching for the right thing to

00:09:17say. Rocky and I grew up in the junkyard with all the other kids. Despite what you might think,

00:09:24we loved it. We ran around all the time and had no discipline or rules. You can only imagine the

00:09:30crap we got ourselves into, and once we started school, we were both fairly unmanageable.

00:09:36I at least had a conscience, and when I did something wrong, I tried to make amends.

00:09:42But Rocky, he just didn't care. He openly defied authority.

00:09:47Anyway, usually because of him, we both became quite familiar with the principal's office.

00:09:53The school tried everything with us, but since Misty, who is Shelby's mom and was our guardian,

00:09:59had no interest in disciplining us or enforcing follow-through at home,

00:10:03our bad behavior continued to escalate.

00:10:06Finally, the school convinced Misty to allow the two of us to get big brothers.

00:10:11You know, through that Big Brother, Big Sister program.

00:10:15I nodded, trying to picture my sweet, good-natured Finn as a bratty kid.

00:10:20Anyway, my Big Brother was this young guy named Barry. He'd grown up without a father, too,

00:10:26and had joined the program hoping to make a difference. I was nine at the time,

00:10:31and we hit it off immediately. Rocky was given a man in his thirties who was really nice,

00:10:37but older and more disciplined. The hope was that a stable, older man might calm him down.

00:10:43Well, Rocky ate the poor guy alive.

00:10:46And then ended up going through one Big Brother after another,

00:10:50until there were no more left to offer.

00:10:52But Barry and I connected. One thing he noticed was that it took a good hour or two for me to

00:10:58calm down before we could just sit and talk, so he started taking me to a gymnastics place

00:11:04to get all the excess energy out. I took to it right away and was really good at it.

00:11:09The gym even gave Barry a discount, and he continued to pay for my membership

00:11:13all through my childhood.

00:11:16Are you still in contact with him now, as an adult?

00:11:19Finn shifted a bit, and I could tell something about the story was bothering him.

00:11:24I squeezed his hand to encourage him, but instead of answering my question,

00:11:29he continued with the narrative.

00:11:32Misty always had a steady stream of boyfriends. All were bad, but some were worse than others.

00:11:38Anyway, this one dude was delivering his weekly beatdown on Misty when Shelby got involved.

00:11:44She never could keep her mouth shut.

00:11:46He just started wailing on my mother.

00:11:49So, of course, I tried to intervene and had the crap beaten out of me, too.

00:11:54And then Rocky stumbled upon the scene, went berserk, and sent the abuser to the hospital.

00:12:00The police got involved.

00:12:02I'd been beaten up bad enough for social services to remove all the kids in the compound,

00:12:07but within days they'd all returned, except me.

00:12:11Barry and his wife Marissa took me in.

00:12:13I'd begged them to take Rocky, too, but they had two small children and

00:12:17they just couldn't take the chance with him, especially after what he'd done to that guy.

00:12:22So, while I was adjusting to a normal life in suburbia with loving, attentive parental figures,

00:12:29Rocky continued to wallow in the filth that was Perryland.

00:12:33And the two of you drifted apart, I said, finishing the story.

00:12:37Finn nodded.

00:12:39I guess I've always felt guilty for abandoning him.

00:12:42You were handed a chance at a future and were smart enough to take it.

00:12:47I tried to stay in contact with him, but Rocky was pissed and took every opportunity to knock me down.

00:12:54He made fun of everything I did, as if living a normal life was so ridiculous to him.

00:12:59I finally got tired of getting shit on by him and stopped visiting.

00:13:04We saw each other occasionally after that, but it was always strained between us.

00:13:09I lifted his fingers in mine and kissed the back of his hand.

00:13:13Finn's heart was bigger than anyone's I'd ever met, and I got the sense that the divide between

00:13:18brothers was something that had eaten away at him for years.

00:13:22Have you seen Rocky in prison?

00:13:24No.

00:13:25Do you want to?

00:13:27He's shifted uncomfortably.

00:13:30I do and I don't.

00:13:31He's asked me to a few times.

00:13:33I just haven't gone.

00:13:35I guess I should.

00:13:37It doesn't always have to be about someone else, Finn.

00:13:40Putting yourself first isn't always a bad thing, you know?

00:13:43I know.

00:13:44I just hate the idea of seeing him locked up in there.

00:13:48I really do need to visit.

00:13:51Are you and Barry still close?

00:13:53Yeah.

00:13:54Barry taught me what it was to be a man.

00:13:56I owe him and Marissa everything.

00:13:59I'd love to meet them.

00:14:01He will.

00:14:03Finn said that with such certainty, as if he saw a future with me.

00:14:07And after his story, I felt even more connected to him,

00:14:11until he said the words that changed everything.

00:14:15I can't wait to be a father.

00:14:17I'll be everything I never had.

00:14:20The statement was simple and heartfelt, and I felt myself die a little inside.

00:14:25The one thing he wanted, to be a dad, was the one thing I could never give him.

00:14:32I almost was one, you know.

00:14:33A little over a year ago, he said, startling me.

00:14:37No.

00:14:38I sat up straighter.

00:14:40I didn't know.

00:14:42I had this girlfriend named Alexis.

00:14:45She seemed fine when I met her.

00:14:47But then she started getting really possessive and manipulative.

00:14:51After about two months, I'd seen enough and tried to cut her loose.

00:14:55But she threatened to kill herself, and made me feel so guilty that I stayed.

00:14:59Months went by, and I started noticing that none of my friends were texting or contacting me.

00:15:06Turns out she'd blocked all the contacts on my phone without telling me.

00:15:10Once I figured out what she'd been up to, I broke it off.

00:15:13But then a week later, she called to tell me she was pregnant.

00:15:16She knew how much I wanted to be a dad, and used it against me.

00:15:21There was no baby, I said, absorbing some of the pain for him.

00:15:26No.

00:15:27I think, deep down, I knew it all along, but didn't want to admit it to myself,

00:15:31because I wanted to be a father so badly.

00:15:34I'm so sorry, Finn.

00:15:36He held me a little tighter.

00:15:38It was for the best.

00:15:40She would have made my life a living hell, using the baby against me to get what she wanted.

00:15:45I want to have a baby with someone I love.

00:15:48Someone who wants a family as much as I do.

00:15:51Someone like you, Emma.

00:15:54One month was all it took to fall in love.

00:15:57The little flutter I'd felt the day I met him had grown too large and too powerful

00:16:01to ever be stuffed back inside.

00:16:05In reality, it had taken less than a month.

00:16:07But it wasn't until I was sitting on top of the sandhill,

00:16:10listening to Finn pour his heart out to me, that I admitted the truth to myself.

00:16:14And now here I was, in a place I never thought I'd be,

00:16:17making a decision I never wanted to make.

00:16:21In order for Finn to be happy, really, truly happy,

00:16:24he needed the one thing I could never give him.

00:16:27Sadly enough, at this point, the truth was all I had to offer.

00:16:32He had to know that I didn't share his vision of a family,

00:16:35so he could move on and find someone who would.

00:16:38I, of course, knew the man he was.

00:16:41He'd make excuses and tell me he could forgo fatherhood to be with me,

00:16:45but that wasn't what I wanted for him.

00:16:47Doing without was not an option for Finn.

00:16:50He deserved more than just to settle.

00:16:53The talk went about as well as could be expected.

00:16:56Finn sat quietly at the table as I explained to him that I was not the one for him,

00:17:01and the reason why.

00:17:03And when I finished my speech, he sat back without a word and just stared at me.

00:17:09Finally, after he'd had time to process, the first tentative questions began to emerge.

00:17:15Is it that you can't have kids, or you won't have kids?

00:17:19Because if you can't, we could always adopt.

00:17:22As far as I know, I can have children.

00:17:25I just don't want them.

00:17:27I've seen you with kids.

00:17:28You seem good with them.

00:17:30I like kids.

00:17:32I just don't want any of my own.

00:17:34Is that so hard to understand?

00:17:36I saw a change in his demeanor then.

00:17:38Anger took form as the reality of what I was saying began to hit him.

00:17:43Yes, Emma, it's really fucking hard to understand.

00:17:46I mean, how do you know you won't change your mind somewhere down the line?

00:17:50I won't.

00:17:51But how do you know?

00:17:53His frustration was bubbling over.

00:17:56Finn!

00:17:57I reached out and touched him.

00:17:59I'm telling you this now to save you the heartbreak later.

00:18:02A bitter laugh broke free from his scornful lips.

00:18:05Too late.

00:18:07I'm so sorry.

00:18:08The last thing I want to do is hurt you.

00:18:11Again, too late.

00:18:13An awkward silence ensued.

00:18:15Yes, he was hurting.

00:18:17But so was I.

00:18:18When all was said and done, Finn would move on and find love again.

00:18:22But I'd be back where I started.

00:18:25The only difference from before was that I'd be saddled with the memory of a love that could never be.

00:18:30So you're breaking it off with me?

00:18:32Finn breathed out jaggedly, rubbing the back of his neck.

00:18:36That's what's happening here?

00:18:38I looked down, unable to make eye contact.

00:18:42Leaving him was the last thing I wanted, but what other choice did I have?

00:18:46Our lives were destined to go down vastly different paths.

00:18:50The more time we spend together, the worse it will be.

00:18:53Do you love me?

00:18:54He asked.

00:18:56It doesn't matter.

00:18:58It doesn't change anything.

00:19:02He slammed his hands down on the table, making me jump.

00:19:06His lip twitching in anger, he said in a growl,

00:19:09It matters to me.

00:19:11Tears filled my eyes as I took in his utter sadness.

00:19:15I could at least give him the truth.

00:19:17Yes, Finn.

00:19:18I love you.

00:19:20Then don't do this.

00:19:22Please, Emma.

00:19:22You're just scared.

00:19:24I know you.

00:19:25This is what you do.

00:19:26You push away when you get scared.

00:19:28We can work through this.

00:19:30Not this.

00:19:32So you're just giving up on us?

00:19:34The twitching lip was back.

00:19:36I'm giving you the chance at the life you want.

00:19:40You mean the life I want with you?

00:19:42Finn rose abruptly from his chair.

00:19:44Damn it.

00:19:46When I told you that story last night, it was because I'm falling in love with you,

00:19:49and I can see a future with you that I've never imagined with anyone else.

00:19:54And now you're telling me to go to hell?

00:19:56I mean, I can't even figure out what's going on here.

00:19:58I've never heard such bullshit in my life,

00:20:00and I grew up with the queen of bullshit herself.

00:20:04You think I wanted this?

00:20:06I was pushing you away because I knew this was going to happen,

00:20:09and I was trying to stop it before it ever got to this point.

00:20:13But you are relentless, Finn.

00:20:15You did this.

00:20:17You made me love you, and now we are both screwed because of it.

00:20:20So if you want to blame anyone, blame yourself.

00:20:24I knew I wasn't being reasonable.

00:20:26He was only guilty of wearing his heart on his sleeve,

00:20:29but I'd never been one to fight fair,

00:20:31and I knew the only way for this to end was for it to end badly.

00:20:35Finn paced back and forth, looking truly broken.

00:20:39This needed to be over so we could both start the process of moving on.

00:20:44Or maybe just him.

00:20:46I wouldn't be moving on.

00:20:48I would stay stuck in the memory of this love forever,

00:20:51because if there was one thing I was sure of,

00:20:54it was that I would never put myself in this position ever again.

00:20:58Finn would always, and forever, remain my one and only love.

00:21:04I think you should go.

00:21:05Finn stood there for the longest time, not speaking,

00:21:09just chewing on his fingernails and contemplating what to do or what to say.

00:21:13Finally, he turned and, without a word, walked out the door.

00:21:21Chapter 19

00:21:24Emma, 2004

00:21:26Making Contact

00:21:30I sat with my back touching the wall that divided our rooms,

00:21:33trying to judge exactly where Jake was pressed up against it on his side.

00:21:37He was alone.

00:21:39I knew this because only when he was alone did he cry.

00:21:42All other times he was stoic, or numb, or screaming.

00:21:46But not crying—never crying—until he was alone,

00:21:50pressed up against the wall,

00:21:52perhaps with his legs pulled up to his chest, as mine were now.

00:21:56I listened to his quiet sorrow,

00:21:58my heart always breaking for him in these moments.

00:22:01I never interrupted him or tried to console him,

00:22:04because, as I saw it, Jake needed the release.

00:22:09Despite securing his freedom nearly three months earlier,

00:22:12his life only seemed to be getting harder.

00:22:14The nightmares weren't subsiding,

00:22:17and the hollowed-out sadness persisted.

00:22:20Any illusions my parents may have had of bringing normalcy back into his routine

00:22:23were shattered fairly quickly,

00:22:25as the reality of the situation played in front of us.

00:22:29Jake was not returning to his old life anytime soon.

00:22:33How naive I'd been to think that Jake's survival

00:22:36would bring peace back to our fractured family.

00:22:39None of us could have predicted just how damaged a person he'd become.

00:22:43Sometimes when I listened to him scream,

00:22:46I wondered if he might actually have been better off dying.

00:22:49I knew it was a horrible thought,

00:22:51but clearly it was what Jake wanted.

00:22:54Having only a few days ago swallowed a bottle of pills

00:22:57before being rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.

00:23:00His was a miserable existence,

00:23:02one not worthy of the vibrant boy he'd once been.

00:23:06Maybe it was just too early in his recovery to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

00:23:11After all, if he could recover physically,

00:23:14as he was doing day by day,

00:23:16why not mentally?

00:23:18It was slow going,

00:23:19but Jake's battered body was healing.

00:23:22Although I'd yet to be given an explanation as to how it happened,

00:23:25my brother's knee was badly damaged during the kidnapping.

00:23:29With intensive physical therapy,

00:23:31he was actually walking again,

00:23:33albeit with crutches and a limp.

00:23:36And even though his current mental state was unsettling at best,

00:23:40he'd been worse.

00:23:41Way worse.

00:23:42In the hospital,

00:23:43when he'd first awakened from surgery,

00:23:46he'd fallen into a trance-like state,

00:23:48babbling incoherently to himself,

00:23:51seemingly unaware of his surroundings or who was in the room with him.

00:23:55Thankfully, Jake's dazed state lasted only about a week,

00:23:59although the terror that had put him there still remained.

00:24:03A steady stream of trauma counselors and mental health professionals were called to his aid,

00:24:08and were rotated in and out on a daily basis.

00:24:11Everyone seemed to have opinions on my brother's fragile state of mind,

00:24:15and each assigned him a new diagnosis.

00:24:18In time,

00:24:19the bevy of therapists was whittled down to a trusted few

00:24:22who seemed most committed to his recovery.

00:24:25Often volunteering their time,

00:24:27the therapists worked tirelessly with Jake,

00:24:30even spending the night in our home occasionally

00:24:32in order to give him ways to cope with his night terrors.

00:24:36Jake's crying petered out.

00:24:38It never lasted long,

00:24:40just short bursts of grief interrupting his otherwise excruciating existence.

00:24:45I turned slightly, resting my head on the wall,

00:24:48and whispered,

00:24:49I'm sorry.

00:24:51There really just wasn't anything else to say.

00:24:54I wished I had the answers to help him live again,

00:24:57but I was as hopeless as the rest of them.

00:24:59Stretching out my legs,

00:25:01the top of my toe unintentionally tapped the wall,

00:25:04and I froze.

00:25:05Crap.

00:25:06Had he heard me?

00:25:08Did he know I was here?

00:25:10Would he storm my room in a frenzy?

00:25:13I held my breath and waited.

00:25:15After a moment of silence,

00:25:16I sighed with relief

00:25:18and picked up the book I'd been reading earlier.

00:25:21Tap.

00:25:22I stared incredulously at the wall,

00:25:25unsure if I'd really heard what I thought I'd heard.

00:25:28Was he tapping back?

00:25:30Desperate for some type of communication,

00:25:32I took a chance and tapped back twice.

00:25:35A minute stretched as I waited,

00:25:38hoping I hadn't overstepped my bounds

00:25:40or embarrassed him in his private crying time.

00:25:43Tap. Tap.

00:25:46A happy flutter filled my chest

00:25:48as my brother recognized my trustworthiness

00:25:50and rewarded me with this unconventional conversation.

00:25:54It was just a series of taps,

00:25:56but its meaning spoke volumes.

00:25:59I'd just been granted the tiniest opening

00:26:01into his tightly closed-off world.

00:26:05Knock, knock, Quinn said,

00:26:07his voice pitched high in excitement.

00:26:10His deeply tanned face was inches from mine

00:26:12as his hands gripped my shoulders.

00:26:14He was wearing only a pair of swim trunks

00:26:16and a devilish smile.

00:26:18I reached up and tousled his soft, sun-streaked waves,

00:26:21which were currently plastered to his head,

00:26:24courtesy of the backyard sprinkler.

00:26:26He friskily swatted my hand away.

00:26:29Knock, knock, Emma.

00:26:31He repeated the opening line of his impending joke

00:26:34with more insistence.

00:26:35In response, I kissed his nose playfully.

00:26:39Gross!

00:26:41He wiped away my cooties with the back of his hand.

00:26:44Knock, knock, I grinned.

00:26:47Oh, how I loved this kid.

00:26:49I'd grown so close to Quinn and Grace

00:26:51over the past few months.

00:26:52Becoming their primary caretaker

00:26:54had not been by choice,

00:26:56but, surprisingly, I'd come to relish the role.

00:27:00With Mom having her hands full with Jake

00:27:02and Dad spread thin working two jobs

00:27:04so she could be home full-time,

00:27:06focusing on my younger siblings

00:27:08became my contribution to the family.

00:27:10I fed them breakfast in the morning,

00:27:12dressed them in appropriate clothing,

00:27:15and dropped them off on my way to school.

00:27:17Then it was a matter of picking them up from school,

00:27:20helping with homework,

00:27:21feeding them dinner,

00:27:22and getting them showered.

00:27:24There was no doubt that things had changed drastically for me,

00:27:27not only at home but at school.

00:27:30When I returned to classes after Jake's rescue,

00:27:33I saw things with freshly jaded eyes

00:27:35and was surprised to discover

00:27:37that the friends I'd been hanging out with for so long

00:27:39were not my friends at all.

00:27:41Shallow and malicious,

00:27:43my one-time girl squad

00:27:44ruled the school with an iron fist.

00:27:47Had I once been like them?

00:27:49Cringing, I shook off the memory

00:27:51of my own obnoxious struts

00:27:53down the school hallways.

00:27:55My friends welcomed me back with open arms,

00:27:58but only because my trainwreck of a family

00:28:00was the biggest news to come out of our town

00:28:02in a hundred years.

00:28:04My tragedy was their pot of gossip gold.

00:28:08Gradually, I withdrew from my superficial friend group,

00:28:11preferring instead to spend my lunch

00:28:13in the library studying.

00:28:15No longer feeling like the girl

00:28:16who'd once roamed these halls,

00:28:18I turned inward,

00:28:19focusing on my grades

00:28:21and not those who snickered about Jake

00:28:22behind my back.

00:28:24It wasn't until my return to school

00:28:26that I realized just how much misfortune

00:28:28had changed me.

00:28:30Life was a gift,

00:28:31one not to be taken for granted,

00:28:33and I refused to waste precious time

00:28:35on people who didn't matter.

00:28:37My family?

00:28:38They mattered.

00:28:40And as imperfect and fractured as we were,

00:28:42our love was genuine and all-encompassing.

00:28:46Who's there?

00:28:47I answered my adorable little brother.

00:28:50Madam?

00:28:52Madam who?

00:28:54My damn foot's stuck in the door!

00:28:56Quinn dissolved into a fit of giggles.

00:28:59Of course, I'd heard this one a thousand times before,

00:29:02but still I laughed.

00:29:04It really was all in the delivery.

00:29:07Ooh, you said damn, I teased,

00:29:10scooping him up and blowing raspberries onto his neck.

00:29:13I'm telling Mom.

00:29:15No!

00:29:16He squealed happily.

00:29:18Knock, knock, Emma.

00:29:19Knock, knock!

00:29:21Grace tugged at my leg.

00:29:22She was not about to be left out of this game.

00:29:25Who's there?

00:29:26I answered breathlessly.

00:29:28Me!

00:29:29Me who?

00:29:31Me!

00:29:32Not quite, but almost.

00:29:34So went the humor of a five-year-old.

00:29:37Quinn and I laughed hysterically at her missed opportunity,

00:29:39but Grace didn't catch on,

00:29:41instead basking in the limelight

00:29:43and no doubt considering herself a comedic master.

00:29:47We were chattering excitedly

00:29:49when suddenly Quinn's mouth dropped open in surprise.

00:29:52Jake was standing in the doorway,

00:29:54which was indeed an unusual sight.

00:29:57Although I'd tried after that one tap session to reconnect,

00:30:00I'd never managed to coax another conversation out of him.

00:30:05Hey, I said.

00:30:07It felt strange to talk to him.

00:30:09He lived in the house,

00:30:11even occasionally roamed its halls,

00:30:13but he wasn't really here.

00:30:15Jake just sort of existed.

00:30:18Have you got a knock-knock joke for us?

00:30:20I mean, I don't think you can beat Grace's brilliance,

00:30:24but you could always try.

00:30:25Jake leveled me with an unreadable stare.

00:30:29It was possibly the first time he'd looked at me

00:30:31since his return home.

00:30:33Once so vibrant and sparkling,

00:30:35those beautiful eyes were now dull and lifeless.

00:30:39He was so lost.

00:30:40If only I had a magic pill that would zap away his pain.

00:30:44I swallowed back the emotion that was sure to ruin the moment.

00:30:48He'd been drawn by the laughter,

00:30:50and that was what I intended to give him.

00:30:53Come in, I said.

00:30:55Smiling.

00:30:56I felt Grace tense as she grasped my leg.

00:30:59She still didn't trust him one bit.

00:31:02Taking his leave from me, Quinn said,

00:31:05Yeah, come and play.

00:31:07Jake seemed conflicted,

00:31:08as if he wanted to join in,

00:31:10but some invisible force was holding him back.

00:31:13He stayed put in the doorway.

00:31:15In an attempt to welcome him,

00:31:17I took a step forward.

00:31:19He took a step back.

00:31:21I froze like a squirrel caught in oncoming traffic,

00:31:24trying to decide if it was safer going forward or back.

00:31:28Instinctively, I chose to go back.

00:31:31Pretending the awkward moment hadn't happened,

00:31:33I turned and grabbed Quinn, tickling him.

00:31:36The three of us continued our play as Jake watched from the sideline.

00:31:40He'd set his boundaries, and I hadn't pushed them.

00:31:43And that, I was certain, was what kept him in the doorway.

00:31:48Once Grace and Quinn had worn me out,

00:31:50I collapsed onto the couch and closed my eyes,

00:31:53ready for a nap.

00:31:54No, don't sleep, Grace said, prying my eyelid open.

00:31:59Cookies, Emma! You promised!

00:32:02Cookies? I wasn't a machine.

00:32:05Good Lord, these kids took a lot of energy.

00:32:08Tomorrow, maybe.

00:32:09Quinn got in on the action,

00:32:11jumping behind me on the couch and trying to push my body off.

00:32:15Neither one of them would let me out of my promise.

00:32:18Fine, but I need help!

00:32:20My little siblings cheered.

00:32:23I wondered if I had ever been this easy to please.

00:32:26I looked up and was surprised to see Jake leaning against the wall now,

00:32:30inside the room.

00:32:32He'd actually made his way in with us, which was a huge accomplishment.

00:32:36I smiled as we walked toward the door.

00:32:38You want to make some cookies with us?

00:32:41He lifted his head, and our eyes met again.

00:32:44A flash of familiarity took my breath away.

00:32:47In that moment, I could see my Jake in this shell of a boy,

00:32:52and I had an overwhelming feeling that there was something he wanted to say.

00:32:56You want to go somewhere and talk? I asked, reaching my hand out to him.

00:33:01Jake promptly shoved his own into his pockets and looked away.

00:33:06Okay, maybe not.

00:33:08Well, we'll be in the kitchen if you want to come.

00:33:11Grace, Quinn, and I left him standing in the doorway.

00:33:15I didn't look back, for fear of spooking him.

00:33:18This was the most I'd gotten out of him in three months,

00:33:20and I didn't want to spoil the moment.

00:33:23Kyle, I said, banging on Keith's door as I passed.

00:33:27Cookies! Come help!

00:33:30Mom was sitting quietly at the table when we burst in,

00:33:33interrupting her calm with excited little voices eager for a sugary treat.

00:33:37Kyle followed a few steps behind and helped me pull out all the ingredients.

00:33:42The four of us chatted comfortably as I guided them through the cookie-making process.

00:33:47Jake had chosen not to join us,

00:33:49but I swear I saw a shadow behind the wall between the kitchen and the living room.

00:33:54I glanced at my mother and was surprised to see her smiling at me.

00:33:59Suddenly, self-conscious, I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked away.

00:34:04You're so good with them, Emma.

00:34:06I shrugged.

00:34:07My relationship with my mom remained strained, and it felt weird to hear praise from her.

00:34:13To hide my reaction, I kept my focus on the cookies.

00:34:17I know things have been hard.

00:34:19Mom said, choking back tears.

00:34:21But I hope you know how proud I am of you.

00:34:24What an incredible young woman you've become.

00:34:27I looked up at her in surprise.

00:34:30Her face was a tapestry of love and pain and regret.

00:34:34I blamed her for so much, but in reality,

00:34:37I couldn't say I would have reacted any differently had I been in her shoes.

00:34:42You're going to make a wonderful mother someday.

00:34:46I scoffed.

00:34:47What? she asked.

00:34:49Confused by my stark reaction.

00:34:52I'm never having kids.

00:34:54Mom's eyes widened.

00:34:56Why?

00:34:57You really have to ask why?

00:34:59She appeared truly shocked by my words.

00:35:02I steadfastly held my ground.

00:35:05Mom's bottom lip quivered as she struggled to find the right words.

00:35:09Emma, what happened to us?

00:35:11Save the lecture, Mom.

00:35:13No way will I bring children into this world if I can't protect them.

00:35:17Mom's reaction was swift and unpredicted.

00:35:20She burst into tears and ran from the kitchen.

00:35:23Shocked by her outburst, I immediately regretted my words,

00:35:27even though I believed them to be true.

00:35:30Kyle glared at me.

00:35:31What did you say that for?

00:35:33I shrugged, feeling like a shithead.

00:35:36I'd basically blamed her for Jake's kidnapping.

00:35:39Yeah, she hadn't been the most attentive mother as of late,

00:35:42but before disaster struck, she'd been a pretty incredible one.

00:35:47Her biggest fault was maybe loving us too much.

00:35:50Can we put the cookies in now?

00:35:52Gracie asked, having completely missed the exchange between Mom and me.

00:35:57Um, can you just give me a minute? I asked.

00:36:00The need to apologize overwhelmed me,

00:36:03but before I could go in search of my mother, the unexpected happened.

00:36:07Jake walked in, actually making it all the way into the kitchen.

00:36:12He stopped in front of Kyle and me, and we both watched him in surprise.

00:36:16Hey, you finally came to help, I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

00:36:22No, he answered.

00:36:25Just to watch, then? Okay.

00:36:27No, he repeated, eyes focused on the mixing bowl.

00:36:32Suddenly, it dawned on me.

00:36:34He wanted cookie dough. I laughed.

00:36:37Let me guess, you want a spoonful?

00:36:40Jake nodded, and then he did the unthinkable.

00:36:44He smiled.

00:36:46It was the briefest moment of levity,

00:36:48one which easily could have been missed had one not been paying attention.

00:36:52Thankfully, I had been.

00:36:55My god.

00:36:56Somewhere, buried deep within, my brother still lived.

00:37:04Chapter 20

00:37:06Finn. Moving on.

00:37:10Wake up!

00:37:12The demand was followed by a punch in my back.

00:37:15Go away, I said, mumbling into the pillow.

00:37:19Nope, it's ten o'clock. Let's go to the beach and find you a hottie.

00:37:23Sun's out, guns out, brother.

00:37:25Do you really think I could get a hottie in my current condition? Look at me.

00:37:29Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but since you brought it up,

00:37:32I have a list of complaints. Hold on.

00:37:34It was a rhetorical question, I said, mumbling,

00:37:38then turned to my side, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

00:37:41Richie was pulling up the notes section on his iPhone.

00:37:44You have an actual list?

00:37:47Well, you've been a Neanderthal for a month now, I have a lot of gripes.

00:37:51Okay, so, number one, no more no shave never.

00:37:54You have stuff growing in your beard, it's gross,

00:37:57and the other day something fell out of it and landed in my pasta.

00:38:00Number two, pick up your beer cans.

00:38:02I've provided you with these swanky digs and I expect you to treat them with respect.

00:38:07As promised, Richie's heiress divorcee had plopped the first and last month's rent down

00:38:12on a swanky duplex close to her home in Marina Del Rey.

00:38:15The place was worthy of Richie's splendor.

00:38:18It all happened a few days after the dump, so I blindly followed along,

00:38:22packing my stuff and moving out without even a goodbye to our druggie neighbors.

00:38:27I'm paying rent too, asshole.

00:38:29Finn, please, not everything is about you.

00:38:31Number three, you stink, and I don't mean that like you suck,

00:38:34I mean like you genuinely stink.

00:38:37After you left for work yesterday, I had the place fumigated.

00:38:40Number four, well, this is really an extension of three, deodorant is your friend.

00:38:45Okay, I get it, enough.

00:38:47I'm just getting started.

00:38:49Text me the list and I'll get right on it.

00:38:51Come on, I'm tired of whiny, glass-half-empty Finn.

00:38:54I want fun Finn back.

00:38:56Get up and tackle the first 12 items on the list and I'll reward you with a trip to the beach.

00:39:00Vanessa's daughter is home from college.

00:39:02She pulled your picture up online and thinks you're hot.

00:39:04Or should I say she thinks pre-breakup Finn is hot.

00:39:07So get your act together and bang my girlfriend's daughter.

00:39:11Just how old exactly is this daughter?

00:39:14She's 21, totally legal.

00:39:1721 is seriously pushing the legal limit for me, but fine.

00:39:20I'll go to the beach with your MILF and her totally legal daughter.

00:39:24But no setting us up.

00:39:25Give me an hour and I'll be ready.

00:39:27I'll give you two hours so you can tackle number 23 on the list while you're shaving.

00:39:31Do I even want to know?

00:39:33The 70s bush, dude.

00:39:35We don't want it spilling out of your shorts now, do we?

00:39:38I wasn't sure what I found more disturbing.

00:39:40The fact that Richie had been actively chronicling my decline

00:39:43or that he knew I had bushy crotch hairs.

00:39:46Regardless, he wasn't wrong about anything on his pages-long complaint list.

00:39:50I knew I'd been a miserable jerk after losing Emma

00:39:53and obsessing over her had become my way of life.

00:39:56What was worse was I understood her reasoning even though it ripped my heart out.

00:40:00The two things I wanted most in this world couldn't exist together

00:40:03and as much as I didn't want to admit it,

00:40:05at some point down the road,

00:40:07I probably would have resented her for not being receptive to having a child.

00:40:11I knew full well that she'd broken it off for my sake, not hers.

00:40:15But the fact that she was giving me the chance to live the life I wanted

00:40:18while she subjected herself to a life alone hurt me even more.

00:40:22Was I being selfish?

00:40:23Was she?

00:40:25Somewhere locked deep inside her was the reason for her decision to never have children.

00:40:29And I feared no amount of charm or patience would ever pull it from her.

00:40:33The worst part of it all was that I was in love with Emma

00:40:36and knew without any doubt that she was the one for me.

00:40:39Would it even be possible for me to love another woman like I loved her?

00:40:43Was it worth faking it with someone else just to have kids?

00:40:46Was it better to bring children into a loveless marriage or just not have them at all?

00:40:51These were the thoughts that consumed me day and night

00:40:54and made functioning in my daily life so incredibly difficult.

00:40:57I was going to work distracted and the injuries just kept coming.

00:41:01Something had to change.

00:41:02I couldn't go on like this forever.

00:41:05Maybe I needed to meet this co-ed today and see if I could form some sort of connection.

00:41:09It might help me decide what to do about Emma.

00:41:12Not that I had much to say in the matter anyway.

00:41:15The day after she dumped me, I'd gone back to her,

00:41:17professing my love and promising I could live without being a father.

00:41:21With tears rolling down her face, Emma had pushed me back out the door.

00:41:25And we hadn't spoken since.

00:41:27Rachel was beautiful and sweet and friendly.

00:41:32I enjoyed her company and laughed at her jokes.

00:41:35We swam in the ocean together and talked for hours on the beach,

00:41:38mostly about my recent breakup,

00:41:40a detail Richie had generously provided to her before we met.

00:41:44Regardless of the tough conversation, Rachel made it clear she was interested.

00:41:47This was a straightforward, uncomplicated, and easy-to-read girl.

00:41:51If I dated her, there would be no guessing what she was thinking,

00:41:54no worrying I'd lose her attention the minute I left the room.

00:41:58She was what I needed to get over Emma.

00:42:00If only I could figure out a way to give it to him.

00:42:03After the beach, I met up with some friends for dinner and a little bar-hopping.

00:42:07I hadn't seen anyone but Richie in over a month, and people were starting to worry.

00:42:11I figured, why waste a shave and a bushwhacking, right?

00:42:15Wrong.

00:42:16I got drunk.

00:42:17Real drunk.

00:42:19And with the inebriation came poor decision-making,

00:42:22so poor that I inexplicably ended up on Emma's doorstep at one in the morning.

00:42:27From the time I rang her doorbell to the time she opened the door for me,

00:42:30I'd already fallen asleep slumped up against her planter.

00:42:34Finn?

00:42:36I felt hands shake me awake.

00:42:38Finn, wake up, come on.

00:42:41Somehow I made it into her living room and sheets magically appeared on the sofa.

00:42:45I remember her hands on me, removing my soiled shirt.

00:42:49I remember my hands on her, attempting to remove her shirt as well.

00:42:53And then I remember her shoving me back against the cushion

00:42:55with enough force that vomit spewed from my mouth.

00:42:59I remember her yelling in the water in the shower, and then more yelling.

00:43:03And just on the off chance that I might mercifully forget about my early morning escapades,

00:43:08Emma made certain, before going off to work,

00:43:10to leave me an angry note describing every embarrassing detail.

00:43:14Included in her tirade was a list of demands,

00:43:16the vast majority of them cleaning related.

00:43:20After reading and rereading her note multiple times,

00:43:22I set it down and sank back into the sofa, hands covering my eyes in regret.

00:43:27So much for giving the impression I was doing swell without her.

00:43:30Putting my feet up on her coffee table, I settled in.

00:43:33I knew Emma's schedule well enough to know she wouldn't be home for hours,

00:43:37and the pounding in my head needed time to recede before I made my way home to my place.

00:43:42Besides, it felt good to be back, surrounded by her things.

00:43:45If I closed my eyes, I could almost fool myself into thinking all was right in the world.

00:43:50Cynthia jumped up on my lap, and together we watched game shows.

00:43:54I stroked his silky fur and apologized to him over and over for the ridiculous name

00:43:58he'd been saddled with, even promising him that from now on I'd be referring to him as Theo.

00:44:03Not that I'd have much opportunity to follow through on my promise,

00:44:07since after last night, I'd never be welcomed here again.

00:44:10Finally, after several hours of procrastination,

00:44:13I got up to tackle Emma's rather extensive catalogue of demands.

00:44:17Why was it that people were leaving me detailed lists lately?

00:44:20Was I really that much of a lazy douche?

00:44:23Was I not entitled to a bad day from time to time?

00:44:26Thinking back, I realized my bad day or two had stretched into a month or two.

00:44:31Richie was right.

00:44:32I had to get my act together.

00:44:34Emma and I were finished, and I couldn't keep pining over her.

00:44:38I had a life to live, and obviously it no longer included her or Theo.

00:44:44The thought occurred to me to leave my mess for Emma to enjoy as a little welcome home

00:44:48from a long day at work and fuck you gift all wrapped into one,

00:44:52but of course I was too nice for shit like that.

00:44:54My puke, my problem.

00:44:57Unfortunately for the headache splitting my brain in two,

00:45:00Emma had a ridiculously regimented cleaning requirement

00:45:03and had gone so far as to label each cleaning supply to complement each task.

00:45:07Sighing, I got to work and had to cringe at the extent of the mess I'd made.

00:45:12In all honesty, it surprised me that Emma had left it for me to clean up in the first place.

00:45:16The woman I knew would never go to bed with puke splattered on her linoleum floor.

00:45:20After cleaning to her very specific code,

00:45:23I sank my exhausted body back onto her couch and drifted to sleep again.

00:45:27When I opened my eyes several hours later,

00:45:29additional memories of the prior night flooded back into my conscious mind.

00:45:34I love you, Emma, I remembered saying, slurring my words.

00:45:39But I really hate you right now.

00:45:42I know, she whispered, her tears dripping onto my face as she smoothed my hair back.

00:45:49I love you and I miss you, I'd continued pathetically.

00:45:53I miss you too.

00:45:56Her words were choked out through sobs.

00:45:59Maybe she hadn't gotten over me as easily as she'd made it seem.

00:46:03Why did you leave me? I asked.

00:46:07Despite the vomit that had recently passed through my lips,

00:46:10Emma bent down and kissed them gently.

00:46:12The last thing I remembered before drifting off was,

00:46:16Because I love you.

00:46:20I was gone before she returned.

00:46:22There was no sense rehashing what had already been said.

00:46:24I needed to move on, for both our sakes.

00:46:27I knew Emma and she was not about to budge.

00:46:30She believed what she was doing was the right thing for me,

00:46:32and maybe it was, but her chosen path to martyrdom was clearly making her miserable.

00:46:37And my showing up at her doorstep hadn't helped matters.

00:46:41It seemed as though any door I stepped through lately was rife with drama.

00:46:45Entering my place, I was met by an irate Richie.

00:46:49Where the hell were you last night?

00:46:51What, are you my mother?

00:46:52Wait, scratch that, Shelby wouldn't give a shit.

00:46:56Why didn't you answer your phone?

00:46:58It's dead, what's the big deal?

00:47:00The big deal is Martin Hauser called my phone looking for you.

00:47:03Apparently he's been trying yourself for days and you haven't answered.

00:47:06Wait, who is Martin Hauser?

00:47:09Really, Finn? You call yourself an actor?

00:47:12Richie shook his head, getting more agitated with me for every minute my brain fart lingered.

00:47:16He's only the biggest agent in Hollywood, idiot, and he called my phone looking for you.

00:47:21Oh shit, Martin Hauser? What the hell is he calling me for?

00:47:26He said he had an opportunity for you.

00:47:28Are you no longer with Kelly?

00:47:30She didn't do shit, so I dropped her a few months ago.

00:47:32Did he say what opportunity?

00:47:34Some music video.

00:47:36My mouth dropped open when realization dawned on me.

00:47:40Jake.

00:47:42Within days of contacting Martin,

00:47:43things began moving like wildfire on a drought-stricken California mountain range.

00:47:48Suddenly I was a working actor again,

00:47:50with auditions lined up for weeks and a Jake McAllister music video on the books.

00:47:54There was no mystery as to who was behind my sudden windfall.

00:47:58Emma and her deep-pocketed connections.

00:48:01Although I really didn't want her help,

00:48:02I also wasn't in a position to refuse.

00:48:05Hollywood was all about who you knew,

00:48:07and prior to Emma, I knew no one.

00:48:10Besides, if this were her way of making amends,

00:48:12I guessed I could accept with gratitude.

00:48:15This, I'd already decided, would be my final stand.

00:48:18If I couldn't break into the business now,

00:48:19with all the power and connections behind me,

00:48:22I never would.

00:48:23These next few months would hold the key to my future

00:48:25and hopefully give me the clarity I needed to move forward in both my career and life.

00:48:30When all was said and done,

00:48:32Emma had changed me for the better.

00:48:34And despite the heartbreak,

00:48:35I wouldn't change our time together for anything.

00:48:38And even though moving on was proving more difficult than I'd ever imagined,

00:48:42at least I now knew what to look for in a companion.

00:48:46For the first time in my life,

00:48:47a woman had put me first.

00:48:50And I'd never forget that.

00:48:51Chapter 21

00:48:57Emma

00:48:59Two Percent Chance

00:49:02Well, hey there, Jello.

00:49:04I almost didn't recognize you with that hair.

00:49:06You went the brown-with-highlights route.

00:49:09Okay, I can dig it, Franny said,

00:49:11pulling up a seat opposite me in the cafeteria.

00:49:14I just needed a change, I confessed to my friend.

00:49:18My words were slow and methodical.

00:49:21Since Finn's midnight visit a few weeks ago,

00:49:23I'd felt crushed by the weight of the decision I'd been forced to make.

00:49:27We clearly loved each other,

00:49:29and the reasons for keeping him away seemed harsh even for my standards.

00:49:33Wanting something I couldn't have was nothing new for me,

00:49:36but leaving someone I clearly loved was a whole new ballgame.

00:49:40I started rethinking my marriage and child ban.

00:49:44Would it really be so terrible?

00:49:46Maybe I could have all those things if it meant Finn staying in my life.

00:49:50And clearly being with me was something he still wanted,

00:49:53if his early-morning confession had any meaning behind it at all.

00:49:58What happened to blondes have more fun?

00:50:01Yeah, they don't, trust me.

00:50:04Well, I like it.

00:50:05You look pretty however you wear your hair.

00:50:07Besides, this is a new start, right?

00:50:09She said, in a fabricated, cheerful tone.

00:50:13Franny was never jovial,

00:50:14so I knew what it took for her to fake it for me.

00:50:18I love you, Francesca.

00:50:20Have I ever told you that?

00:50:21You're the only person in this place who gives a shit about me.

00:50:25My friend shifted in her chair with a worried expression on her face,

00:50:29before leaning in and whispering,

00:50:31You're not suicidal, are you?

00:50:33No, I don't have to be hopeless in order to like you, Franny.

00:50:37Maybe if you showed your warm side more often,

00:50:40you wouldn't have people scurrying away in terror every time you cut across a room.

00:50:45Well, what would be the fun in that?

00:50:47She smirked.

00:50:48Anyway, this conversation is not about me and my lack of social skills.

00:50:52It's about you and the whole yawn fest you've got going on over here.

00:50:56I mean, it's not that you've ever been high-speed internet,

00:50:59but honey, you've been downgraded to a 2G connection.

00:51:03I know.

00:51:05I think I'm just depressed.

00:51:06I moaned, laying my head on the table.

00:51:10Is this about the studly stuntman?

00:51:12Not exactly sure why you broke up with that piece of meat in the first place,

00:51:15but I'm guessing it's none of my business, right?

00:51:18I nodded emphatically.

00:51:20Another reason I loved her.

00:51:22She knew her boundaries.

00:51:24Well, look on the bright side.

00:51:25There's always Dr. Schlang.

00:51:27A slow laugh escaped me, which quickly turned into a case of hysterics.

00:51:32It wasn't even funny, but I was so out of whack lately that I couldn't control my emotions.

00:51:38Francesca sat there with a confused smile on her face

00:51:41until I'd finally completed my unusual burst of enjoyment.

00:51:45Are you on something?

00:51:47She said, cupping her hand over one side of her mouth

00:51:50to prevent the people next to us from hearing.

00:51:53No? What, I can't laugh without you thinking I'm on opiates?

00:51:58I'm not really sure what's wrong with you, but I'll tell you one thing.

00:52:02If you don't stop this giggle shit,

00:52:04I'll be forced to trade you in for a less enthusiastic model.

00:52:07Someone like Barb, the front desk volunteer.

00:52:10Now there's a miserable shrew.

00:52:13No! I continued laughing.

00:52:15Not Barb. I'll do better, I promise.

00:52:19My lunch over.

00:52:20I said my goodbyes to Francesca and stood to leave.

00:52:23An unexpectedly sharp pain shot up the back of my leg and into my left butt cheek.

00:52:28I inhaled audibly.

00:52:31What's wrong?

00:52:32Sciatic nerve. I've been having all kinds of issues with it lately.

00:52:37Francesca's mouth dropped open and she grabbed my wrist, pulling me back in my seat.

00:52:42Confused, I glared at her.

00:52:44If she was going to get all touchy-feely with me,

00:52:47I'd have to rethink that love I'd just offered her.

00:52:51Could you be pregnant? She asked.

00:52:54What?

00:52:55The question was so stupid, I didn't want to give it a bit of leverage.

00:52:59No. Why would you say that?

00:53:02My sister had really bad sciatica pain during all three of her pregnancies.

00:53:07It happens when the hips widen.

00:53:09Add that to your fatigue and all that emotional weirdness, she said,

00:53:13flicking her hand over me in distaste.

00:53:15I don't know, Emma, maybe you should take a pregnancy test.

00:53:19No, it's impossible, I said, shaking my head.

00:53:22I was so not pregnant.

00:53:24We'd used protection every single time.

00:53:28The only way it's impossible would be if you were a good little virgin, Franny explained,

00:53:33and then in a childlike voice, she added,

00:53:36Have you been a good little virgin, Emma?

00:53:39I sank back in my chair, my mouth still hanging open as I shook my head back and forth.

00:53:45Exactly. I didn't think so.

00:53:49Franny and I hurried to the supply closet, and I snuck a pregnancy strip

00:53:53and a plastic cup off the shelf before disappearing into the bathroom.

00:53:57Francesca pushed her way in before the door shut all the way.

00:54:01No, Franny, it's okay, you don't need to.

00:54:04The last thing I wanted was her blabbing my business to the entire hospital.

00:54:09I'm not leaving you here by yourself.

00:54:11And as if she could read my mind, added,

00:54:13I would never do that to you, and you know it.

00:54:17Suddenly I felt bad for thinking the worst of her.

00:54:19She'd always been nothing but a friend to me.

00:54:22I know, I said, then grasped her wrist in fear.

00:54:27We exchanged a knowing glance before she handed me the cup and said,

00:54:31Now pee.

00:54:33The five-minute wait was agonizing.

00:54:36Franny leaned against the basin, studying her shoes,

00:54:39as I sat on the closed toilet seat, gripping my newly colored hair.

00:54:44Jesus, wasn't that bad for a baby?

00:54:47And the glass of wine I had last night.

00:54:49And the night before.

00:54:50That was definitely bad for a baby.

00:54:53But I was almost sure it would come up negative.

00:54:55I had no signs.

00:54:57No weight gain.

00:54:58No morning sickness.

00:55:00Although Finn's little puke parade the last time I'd seen him had turned me all shades of green.

00:55:05And besides that, after the festival weekend with him,

00:55:08I'd immediately gone on birth control pills.

00:55:11Oh God, if a baby managed to get through all that protection,

00:55:15its little head would surely be whacked after all the crap I'd been feeding it.

00:55:19The timer went off on Francesca's phone.

00:55:22You ready?

00:55:24There was no excitement or encouragement in her words.

00:55:27Instead, she adopted a professional tone, free of judgment.

00:55:31I closed my eyes as Franny checked the results.

00:55:35It would be negative.

00:55:36There was no way.

00:55:37No way at all.

00:55:39But when she didn't say anything after several seconds, I knew.

00:55:44The sob that I'd been holding back broke free.

00:55:47Francesca knelt beside me, rubbing my back, repeating,

00:55:50breathe, over and over.

00:55:53I don't, I don't, what am I going to do?

00:55:56I can't be a mother.

00:55:58I can't.

00:56:00And you don't have to be, Emma.

00:56:02You have options.

00:56:04Yes, options.

00:56:06I had options.

00:56:08But the moment Finn's face formed in my mind, I knew I didn't have options.

00:56:12I could never, would never do that to him.

00:56:16No, Finn, it's his child too.

00:56:20Never.

00:56:21Then have the baby.

00:56:23I don't want to be a mother, I said, snarling out the words.

00:56:28Have you not been listening for the past four years?

00:56:31Thankfully, Franny took no offense.

00:56:34Let me finish, she said calmly.

00:56:37Have the baby.

00:56:38Give it to Finn.

00:56:40Problem solved.

00:56:42I blinked back my shock and wiped away the tears.

00:56:46Yes, okay, that would work.

00:56:49I could do that.

00:56:50See? Everything will be fine.

00:56:53You're in shock right now.

00:56:55Just give yourself a chance to process.

00:56:57Do you want to see the stick?

00:56:59Franny held up the test with a very clear pregnancy confirmation.

00:57:03And that seemed to do the trick.

00:57:05The shock subsided as reality kicked in.

00:57:09This was happening, whether I wanted it or not.

00:57:12Every fear I'd ever had, every relationship I'd fought so hard to avoid,

00:57:16and every excuse I'd given for not wanting to be a mother was all for naught

00:57:20because that baby I vehemently professed I didn't want,

00:57:24the one I'd given up an amazing guy to avoid having, was now growing inside my belly.

00:57:30I need to go to labor and delivery, I said, standing up and smoothing down my wild hair.

00:57:36I think you have time, Emma.

00:57:38At least a few more months.

00:57:40Was she trying to be funny?

00:57:42I glared at Franny.

00:57:44Okay, yeah, that was not appropriate, was it?

00:57:47Sorry, I'm rusty with random acts of sympathy.

00:57:49I'm trying.

00:57:51I knew she was.

00:57:52I softened my tone as I cleared my throat and said with as much control as I could muster,

00:57:58I know you are.

00:57:59You've been a great friend.

00:58:01Now go back to work.

00:58:02I've got it from here.

00:58:04What are you going to do?

00:58:06I wish I knew.

00:58:09Once Francesca left, I took a few moments to pull myself together before exiting the

00:58:13bathroom and walking down the sterile hallways in a daze.

00:58:17The moment I entered the ward, I could hear babies crying, and panic gripped me.

00:58:22I used the walls to steady myself as I searched for Dr. Kapoor.

00:58:26She was new to the hospital, but I'd seen her with one of my patients a few months before,

00:58:30explaining to a car accident victim that her baby hadn't survived.

00:58:35The compassion I'd seen in her eyes as she comforted the woman had stuck with me.

00:58:40I needed a little of that empathy right about now.

00:58:44Dr. Kapoor, my name is Emma McAllister.

00:58:47I'm a nurse in the ICU.

00:58:49Yes, I remember you.

00:58:52Although your hair is, I know, horrible.

00:58:54I know, horrible.

00:58:56It was a mistake, I said, attempting to explain away something so insignificant as colored

00:59:01strands when I had another, more gigantic issue to address.

00:59:05But when that all-important moment arrived, and it came time to fess up, the words would

00:59:11not form as I dissolved into a puddle of tears.

00:59:15Dr. Kapoor led me into an empty room and sat me in a chair.

00:59:19She pulled one up herself and waited, laying a hand gently on my knee.

00:59:24Once I'd pulled myself together enough to speak, I told her about the positive pregnancy

00:59:29test, the condoms, the birth control pills, the wine, and all the other things I'd done

00:59:34to ruin this baby before it was even born.

00:59:37And not only that, but I colored my hair.

00:59:40I mean, what kind of monster am I?

00:59:43This baby isn't even born yet, and I'm already the world's shittiest mom.

00:59:48Dr. Kapoor allowed me one more shortened cry before she put an end to the waterworks.

00:59:54First, pregnancy happens even with 100% compliance to birth control methods.

01:00:00Nothing is ever foolproof.

01:00:02As a nurse, you should know that.

01:00:04And second, you haven't ruined your baby.

01:00:07Plenty of mothers engage in the activities you've described before knowing they were

01:00:11pregnant.

01:00:12You haven't sentenced your baby to a fiery hell.

01:00:15They're a lot tougher than you think.

01:00:18Yeah, well, this one's a goddamn superhero if he managed to get through all those layers

01:00:22of protection.

01:00:23She laughed, but I wasn't joking.

01:00:26Leave it to Finn to impregnate me with a near-statistically-impossible baby.

01:00:31I tell you what.

01:00:32Why don't we go into another room and do a quick ultrasound?

01:00:36Maybe that will ease your mind and give you some answers.

01:00:40This was good.

01:00:41A plan.

01:00:42I liked plans very much.

01:00:45Okay, I sniffled.

01:00:47Are you sure you're not too busy?

01:00:49I've got a fussy womb in room four.

01:00:52It's moving slower than a teenager crossing the street, she said, chuckling to herself.

01:00:58I guess even doctors who stuck their hands up vaginas all day could find humor in their

01:01:02profession.

01:01:03More power to them.

01:01:05A few minutes later, the doctor was rolling a goopy ball over my lower abdomen, and I

01:01:10was hit with a shot of remorse.

01:01:13Finn should have been here for this.

01:01:15The first look at his baby.

01:01:16He would have loved this.

01:01:18Picturing his face, I frowned.

01:01:21What was I going to do about Finn?

01:01:23There!

01:01:24Do you see the heart beating?

01:01:26Oh, yes, I saw it.

01:01:28My eyes could not have been wider or clearer if they tried.

01:01:32A contented ache attached itself to my own rapidly beating heart.

01:01:37I listened as the doctor described to me all I was seeing, and waited as she measured its

01:01:42little head and limbs.

01:01:43I could not tear my eyes away from the screen.

01:01:47Slowly, the realization of what I was seeing registered in my shocked brain.

01:01:51That fluttery heartbeat belonged to me.

01:01:54To Finn.

01:01:56It was then I knew I would love this baby until the day I died.

01:02:00And just as my mother had done before me, I would protect his or her tiny life with

01:02:05everything I had in me.

01:02:07Suddenly, I couldn't remember why I'd ever wanted to deprive myself of something as

01:02:12beautiful as a child.

01:02:13A smile so wide and so genuine transformed my weepy, frightened face.

01:02:19The tiny life growing inside me was more than I deserved, but all I never knew I wanted.

01:02:26In no emotional shape to resume my shift, I let the charge nurse know I wasn't feeling

01:02:31well and went home.

01:02:33I didn't even remember making the drive or opening the front door or snuggling with

01:02:37Cynthia until I passed out on my bed.

01:02:40But I did remember the nightmare.

01:02:43He was so beautiful.

01:02:45A toe-headed toddler with hair that bounced as he ran.

01:02:48I chased after him, laughing.

01:02:51Finn was there with us, the proud smile on his face telling me he was here for us always.

01:02:56I never knew I could feel so alive and happy.

01:03:00Cradling my son in my arms, I kissed that perfect face.

01:03:04He was a gift.

01:03:05A beautiful, perfect gift.

01:03:08Finn and I watched as he fell asleep in my arms.

01:03:11Quietly, I transferred him to his crib and watched the little body tense as a groggy

01:03:17cry escaped those rosy lips.

01:03:20Gently, I ran my finger back and forth from his forehead to his nose to soothe him back

01:03:24to sleep.

01:03:26Those sweet eyes fluttered shut once more, and I leaned down to kiss him.

01:03:31I'll see you when you wake up, angel baby, I cooed.

01:03:34Warmth and love, that's what this was.

01:03:37My little family.

01:03:39I'd fallen asleep myself, exhausted but blissful.

01:03:43Just a quick nap for mommy.

01:03:45I awakened with a start and checked the clock.

01:03:48Too much time had passed.

01:03:50Was he still napping?

01:03:52Why hadn't he cried for me?

01:03:54A crippling terror gripped me as I ran to his room.

01:03:57The crib was empty.

01:03:58Finn, I screamed.

01:04:00Where is he?

01:04:01Where's my baby?

01:04:04Jolting upright, gasping for air, sobs racked my body.

01:04:09This was why I couldn't be a mother and a wife.

01:04:11This was why.

01:04:14Answer your phone, Keith, I begged, my hands shaking miserably.

01:04:18Why was it when I really needed him, Keith was never around, but when I wanted him to

01:04:22leave, I could never get rid of him?

01:04:25After several more phone calls went unanswered, I gave up and dialed another number.

01:04:30Hello?

01:04:31Jake? It's me, Emma.

01:04:34I know, he chuckled.

01:04:35What's up?

01:04:37Oh, well, I...

01:04:38My voice broke.

01:04:40Man, I was really trying to control it, but there was no suppressing the emotions this

01:04:44baby was tugging out of me.

01:04:46Are you okay?

01:04:48There was immediate concern in his tone.

01:04:50Bless him.

01:04:51Jake cared.

01:04:53Not like that weasel, Keith.

01:04:55I tried to call Keith, and he wouldn't pick up.

01:04:58Four times, Jake, four times I called him.

01:05:01I wept into the phone.

01:05:03I mean, he doesn't do shit.

01:05:05Why can't he pick up the damn phone?

01:05:07And so I called you.

01:05:09Not that you're a second choice, but I need...

01:05:12I need...

01:05:13I don't know what I need.

01:05:15Where are you?

01:05:16At home.

01:05:18Okay, I'm coming.

01:05:19Are you sure?

01:05:20I don't want to bother you if you're busy.

01:05:23I sniffled pathetically.

01:05:25Actually, I really did want to bother him, and he only lived 20 miles away.

01:05:30I'm sure.

01:05:30I'm leaving now.

01:05:31I'll be there in an hour.

01:05:33This was L.A., after all.

01:05:37By the time Jake arrived, I'd calmed down.

01:05:40He'd slipped in wearing a baseball hat and hoodie,

01:05:42but promptly removed it all the minute he stepped inside.

01:05:46Is that get-up because you're going incognito,

01:05:49or because you're afraid to catch something in these parts?

01:05:51I asked.

01:05:53Definitely the latter.

01:05:55I read somewhere that chlamydia was now airborne over the valley.

01:05:59Oh, ha-ha, because of the porn industry.

01:06:01Good one, I replied sarcastically.

01:06:04It's nice to see you back to your grumpy old self.

01:06:07Did I just rush over here for nothing?

01:06:10That was rushing?

01:06:11I teased.

01:06:12It took you well over an hour.

01:06:14Not for lack of effort.

01:06:16Is it my fault your emotional breakdown happened during rush hour?

01:06:20You better have a good reason for making me drive all the way over here

01:06:23in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

01:06:25Trust me, you'll be duly rewarded for your effort.

01:06:29I'm pregnant.

01:06:31Jake's head snapped to attention.

01:06:33Yep, you heard me right.

01:06:35I ripped that Band-Aid clean off.

01:06:39My brother didn't react exactly as I'd hoped.

01:06:42Instead, his lip curled up and he laughed.

01:06:46I waited, arms hugging into myself, and grimaced at his idea of funny.

01:06:51Wait, are you serious?

01:06:53he asked.

01:06:54After getting an extended look at my somber face.

01:06:57I've never been much of a joker.

01:07:00Jake finally closed his wide-open mouth and said,

01:07:03I just...

01:07:04I never...

01:07:05Sorry.

01:07:07That's not funny at all, is it?

01:07:08Are you alright?

01:07:11Um...

01:07:12I bit my lip as the stuttering breaths opened the way for more uncontrolled sobbing.

01:07:17I was really starting to hate this new me.

01:07:20Not really.

01:07:20Jake swathed me in his warm embrace, and I sank into him with no shame.

01:07:27I'd offered him enough support over my lifetime.

01:07:30Now it was his turn to give back.

01:07:33I'm sorry I dragged you all the way out to the valley to get chlamydia and everything,

01:07:37but I didn't know who to turn to.

01:07:40It's okay, Emma, really.

01:07:42How long have you known?

01:07:44About seven hours.

01:07:46I'm three months along.

01:07:48Jake pulled away and searched my face for reaction.

01:07:52Three months.

01:07:53Was that...

01:07:54Yes.

01:07:55The festival.

01:07:56Thank you very much.

01:07:58Me?

01:07:59I fail to see how I'm to blame.

01:08:02If you hadn't invited me, none of this would have happened.

01:08:05Oh, right.

01:08:06I should have predicted this very plausible scenario, he said,

01:08:10humoring my hormonal outbursts.

01:08:13And how do you feel about, uh, being pregnant?

01:08:17Well, that depends on when you ask me.

01:08:20I started out stunned.

01:08:22Then I was excited.

01:08:23But now I'm strictly bone-chilling terrified.

01:08:27And you're sure Finn's the dad?

01:08:29I had a sudden and intense desire to kick my brother squarely in the crotch.

01:08:34Whoa, what the hell?

01:08:36Were emotional outbursts a side effect of pregnancy?

01:08:39If so, this was going to be a long six months.

01:08:44You know, Jake, I understand you're trying to be helpful,

01:08:47but I'm real unstable right now, so let's try to just think before speaking, shall we?

01:08:52Jake snickered as he made a wide circle around me.

01:08:55You have crazy eyes.

01:08:57Because you were slut-shaming me, I complained, irrationally.

01:09:02Do you want me to help you or not?

01:09:04He grinned.

01:09:05Jesus Christ.

01:09:07Is this what I'm going to have to look forward to when Casey gets pregnant?

01:09:11I read somewhere that pregnancy magnifies your existing personality.

01:09:15With Casey, I'm sure when she's with child, it'll be like living with a Disney princess.

01:09:20You'll be fine.

01:09:22I think it's alcohol, not pregnancy, that magnifies the personality.

01:09:27Oh, well, I don't know.

01:09:29Casey's perfect.

01:09:31There's no reason to assume she will be any less dazzling when she's carrying your child,

01:09:35so stop worrying.

01:09:36Besides, we're talking about me now, so try and stay focused.

01:09:40Jake shook his head.

01:09:42Okay, I'm going to ask a series of questions.

01:09:45Just answer them without the bitchy tone.

01:09:48Can you do that?

01:09:49I can't promise anything.

01:09:52We grinned at one another.

01:09:54Do you plan to tell Finn?

01:09:56Eventually.

01:09:57And by eventually, you mean real damn soon?

01:10:01Yes, that's what I mean.

01:10:03I smiled.

01:10:04Do you, um, plan on keeping the baby?

01:10:08Yes, I—yes.

01:10:11That's not very encouraging.

01:10:13I didn't mean it like that.

01:10:15I want this baby.

01:10:17It's just that I'm scared.

01:10:19What if something happens?

01:10:21What if I can't keep it safe?

01:10:23You will.

01:10:24You don't know that.

01:10:25Mom couldn't keep you safe.

01:10:28Jake's eyes narrowed into angry slits.

01:10:31So that's what this is all about?

01:10:33Well, it's a big damn issue, yeah.

01:10:36I mean, aren't you scared to have kids someday?

01:10:39You, more than anyone, know the evil that lives out there.

01:10:42So what should I do, then?

01:10:44Shut myself off from the world?

01:10:46I did that, and I was miserable.

01:10:49Jake stopped talking as realization swept over him.

01:10:53Please tell me that's not why you've sworn off marriage.

01:10:56I cringed and looked away.

01:10:59Seriously, Emma.

01:11:00You're putting this on me?

01:11:03No.

01:11:04I grabbed for him, but he flinched away.

01:11:06Not you.

01:11:08Just what happened to you?

01:11:10I'm entitled to be scarred by it.

01:11:12You don't have a monopoly on this.

01:11:15Is this because of what I told you about Glenn?

01:11:19I really was trying to keep a neutral expression, but Jake saw right through me.

01:11:24Yes, okay.

01:11:25That damn story scarred me for life.

01:11:28Why the hell did you pick me to purge your guilty soul?

01:11:32Not just that.

01:11:33You don't know what happened when you were gone.

01:11:36I wasn't just gone, Jake spat.

01:11:39You act like I was on a fucking vacation.

01:11:42Oh, shit.

01:11:44Now he was really agitated.

01:11:46How had this conversation deteriorated so rapidly?

01:11:49That's not what I meant, and you know it.

01:11:52Let me start over.

01:11:54When you were in the clutches of an evil madman, Mom completely fell apart.

01:11:59Her loss consumed her.

01:12:01She stopped living.

01:12:02She gave up on everyone, including you.

01:12:05I vowed never to love that hard because it only leads to unbelievable heartbreak.

01:12:10So let me get this straight.

01:12:12You're going to give up on the only thing that makes life worth living?

01:12:16Love?

01:12:17Just so you can stick it to Mom?

01:12:19What?

01:12:20My voice was high-pitched and offended.

01:12:23How the hell did he get to that conclusion?

01:12:26No, I never said that.

01:12:28You didn't have to.

01:12:29It's so obvious.

01:12:31You've always blamed her as if none of it would have happened had she been a better mother,

01:12:35more attentive.

01:12:36That's bullshit.

01:12:38I'm sorry she wasn't there for you, Emma, and that sucks.

01:12:40But she was there for me.

01:12:42And I...

01:12:43I needed her more than you did back then.

01:12:46You want to know what kind of mother she is?

01:12:49She's the kind that held my hand and helped me breathe

01:12:52when I thought the fear was literally going to eat me up from the inside out.

01:12:56She's the kind who slept on the floor by my side for a year

01:12:59just so I wouldn't have to be alone with my nightmares.

01:13:02She's the kind who was handed a broken shell of a boy

01:13:05and painstakingly pieced him back together again.

01:13:08And, Emma, she's the one who gave me back the music,

01:13:13which ultimately saved my damn life.

01:13:16So if you're worried that you'll be just like Mom...

01:13:19Well, I say you should be so lucky.

01:13:22Sometimes in life, you just need a swift kick in the ass.

01:13:26Jake did that for me,

01:13:28leaving me shell-shocked and bruised in his wake.

01:13:31I was forced to reevaluate everything I'd held true for so long.

01:13:35Maybe Mom had done the best she could with what she'd been dealt.

01:13:39Maybe this wasn't fear.

01:13:41Maybe this had always just been my way of punishing the woman I blamed

01:13:45for every damn thing in my life.

01:13:47And if that were true,

01:13:48I had many years of atonement not only to my mother but to myself as well.

01:13:54My God, had I just wasted ten years?

01:13:58The woman who opened the door to Finn's new bungalow was young, gorgeous, barefoot,

01:14:04and wearing a soft white beach cover-up that reached mid-thigh.

01:14:08I could see the outline of her yellow bikini beneath the flimsy fabric.

01:14:13Her sun-streaked wavy hair wore the telltale signs of having recently been dipped in the ocean water,

01:14:18probably after spending the day with the father of my baby.

01:14:22We stared at one another for a moment before she asked in a friendly voice,

01:14:27Can I help you?

01:14:28Fresh, pretty, and sweet.

01:14:31The flip side of my coin.

01:14:33Apparently, Finn was taking a break from psycho bitches, and I couldn't say I blamed him.

01:14:38Why I'd pictured him as still single was beyond me.

01:14:42Finn was the full package,

01:14:44and I should have expected that women would be going after him the minute I shut the door on his face.

01:14:49Is Finn here?

01:14:51Her expression instantly transformed from pleasant and sweet to predatory and defensive.

01:14:57Oh yeah, she'd claimed him all right.

01:14:59Her eyes pierced through me like an invasive TSA screening.

01:15:03Who are you?

01:15:05Is he here?

01:15:06I ignored her question to repeat my own.

01:15:10No, sorry.

01:15:11He's not home right now, but I can tell him you stopped by if you like.

01:15:16The moment she finished her sentence, Finn's earnest laughter rang out in the background.

01:15:21He was happy again.

01:15:23My heart clenched further.

01:15:25He'd definitely moved on.

01:15:26I'd waited too long, and now he was blissful and healthy and dating a hot surfer girl.

01:15:33You're Emma, right?

01:15:34She asked, trying to remain casual, but the tone had an undeniable challenge to it.

01:15:40She was ready to fight to defend her territory.

01:15:43Yes.

01:15:45Well, Emma, she said my name like it was a dirty word.

01:15:49Do you really think seeing him is the right thing to do?

01:15:52You broke him in half, and now that he's finally healing,

01:15:56you want to come back and do it all over again?

01:15:58I won't let you hurt him any more than you already have.

01:16:02Her words stung, but certainly were not without merit.

01:16:06I actually appreciated this pixie girl's commitment to Finn.

01:16:09Just the fact that he'd had support through this all was encouraging,

01:16:13even if it was in the form of a young, gorgeous woman who wanted to rip my head clean off my shoulders.

01:16:18Unfortunately for her, I had no intention of debating my worth to anyone but Finn,

01:16:24and with that in mind, I pushed the door open and muscled my way in.

01:16:28Beach Girl had nothing on my stately frame as I breezed past her, stealthily evading capture.

01:16:34I headed straight for the voices in the kitchen, and as I rounded the corner, I saw Finn,

01:16:40a guy I assumed to be Richie, and an older woman I assumed to be his rich divorcee girlfriend.

01:16:46All three turned their heads to stare as I came into view with the barefoot blonde

01:16:50nearly running into the back of me when I stopped.

01:16:53I told her you didn't want to see her, but she wouldn't listen, Surfer Girl ratted on me.

01:16:59There was no way to read the emotion on Finn's face.

01:17:02He was just blank.

01:17:04You must be Emma, Richie said, breaking the awkward moment as he stood up and walked over to me.

01:17:10I'm Richie. It's nice to finally meet you.

01:17:13Hello, I said, shaking his hand.

01:17:17I believe a thank you is in order, he said.

01:17:20A thank you?

01:17:22Well, when you were setting Finn up with Martin, I managed to hook myself into the deal.

01:17:28Now we both have a new agent.

01:17:29Now we both have a new agent.

01:17:32Oh, I-

01:17:33I glanced nervously at Finn, but he had yet to meet my eye.

01:17:38I wasn't sure how he had taken my meddling into his professional life.

01:17:42Jake really was the driving force anyway, as Martin was his agent.

01:17:47I really didn't have much to do with it.

01:17:50Jake wanted him for a video, so he's probably the one to thank.

01:17:54Well, I'd love to thank him in person.

01:17:57Anytime.

01:17:58You just set it up.

01:17:59Richie said, laughing.

01:18:01Anyway, we're both real grateful, aren't we, Finn?

01:18:05I smiled at Richie, thankful for his attempt to lighten the mood.

01:18:09My eyes settled back on my reason for coming.

01:18:12Um, Finn, can I talk to you for a minute?

01:18:16I know you're busy, so I promise to make it quick.

01:18:19He didn't reply, nor did he make a move to get off the chair.

01:18:24The knots in my stomach started double-tying.

01:18:27I hadn't planned for such a scenario.

01:18:29And now I wasn't exactly sure what to do.

01:18:32Begging seemed the best option.

01:18:34Please?

01:18:36Finn, his eyes still averted, sat for a moment, clearly contemplating his next move.

01:18:42Suddenly he rose from the table and walked in my direction.

01:18:45But instead of stopping in front of me, he just brushed past, heading for the front door.

01:18:51Richie provided me with a sympathetic nod as I turned to follow him.

01:18:55Once we were both outside, Finn shut the door and turned to me,

01:19:00arms crossed in front of him, and waited impatiently for me to speak.

01:19:05Hi, I said, in barely more than a whisper.

01:19:09That's what you came here to say, he challenged, his tone short and unemotional.

01:19:14I'd heard him, and he clearly wasn't in any mood to let me get away with it

01:19:18without significant repercussions. I didn't blame him for a second.

01:19:22No, I'm just nervous.

01:19:25Look, Finn sighed.

01:19:28I'm grateful for the help with Martin,

01:19:30but I'm not interested in being friends, if that's what you're here for.

01:19:35No, I just need to talk to you real quick.

01:19:37I think you've pretty much said it all.

01:19:40I haven't said this.

01:19:41Please.

01:19:43Finn hesitated, looking back at the door.

01:19:46Richie and I have some people over.

01:19:48This really isn't a good time.

01:19:50Are you seeing that girl?

01:19:52The one who answered the door?

01:19:54She seems nice, and protective of you.

01:19:57His eyes caught mine, and I saw the hurt.

01:20:00Why do you even care, Emma?

01:20:02You know I do.

01:20:04Don't insult me.

01:20:05And I just want the best for you.

01:20:07He laughed bitterly at that.

01:20:09And you think she's it?

01:20:11I don't know, is she?

01:20:13That's none of your business, Finn said, shaking his head.

01:20:17You have two minutes.

01:20:18You have two minutes.

01:20:20He took a seat on the steps, and I sank down beside him.

01:20:25I know I hurt you.

01:20:26And I want to apologize.

01:20:28I made decisions for the both of us, and didn't give you a chance to even process what was

01:20:32happening before cutting you out of my life.

01:20:35In my warped brain, I thought it would be easier on you.

01:20:39But it was just mean.

01:20:40And I see that now.

01:20:42And I'm so sorry.

01:20:44I've heard you say you're sorry a hundred times.

01:20:47I'm just over it.

01:20:49We could have been great, and you threw it all away.

01:20:52What more is there to say?

01:20:54I could tell you what happened in my past that made me choose not to have children.

01:20:59This caught Finn's attention, and he watched me with interest, the anger already dissolving.

01:21:05He was so forgiving.

01:21:07I'd spent ten years blaming my loving mother for perceived slights, when Finn had been

01:21:12raised among junkyard trash and still found it in his heart to care.

01:21:16You know what happened to my brother when we were younger, right?

01:21:20He nodded.

01:21:21Of course he knew.

01:21:22Everyone did.

01:21:24When Jake disappeared, it affected me in ways I can't really explain.

01:21:29I watched my family fall apart.

01:21:32My mother, it was just awful.

01:21:35Her loss consumed her.

01:21:37She'd wake me up at all hours of the night with this terrifying cry, like she was dying.

01:21:42And at the same time, I was having nightmares about my other siblings disappearing one by

01:21:47one until I was the only one left.

01:21:50I became fixated on protecting myself from loss.

01:21:54By putting these chains on myself, I thought I could avoid the pain.

01:21:58But I only made it worse for you and for me.

01:22:02So what are you saying?

01:22:04It was unmistakable, the hope in his voice.

01:22:08After everything I'd put him through, he was still looking for a hope.

01:22:12A hole in my armor, a way back in.

01:22:15I didn't deserve this, man.

01:22:17But our baby sure as hell did.

01:22:21I'm saying something has happened that's forced me to open my eyes.

01:22:24And now I don't have a choice but to change my way of thinking.

01:22:28I'm pregnant, Finn.

01:22:31His eyes bulged from their sockets.

01:22:34Wait, what are you-

01:22:36Is-

01:22:37Of course.

01:22:39How?

01:22:40I mean, I used condoms.

01:22:42And- and you were on the pill.

01:22:45Only after the festival.

01:22:47I didn't see the point before.

01:22:49The amount of sex I've had in the past few years didn't warrant taking pills every day of my life.

01:22:54But I used condoms that weekend, he repeated.

01:22:58Yes, Finn, I realize that, but they're only 98% accurate.

01:23:03Only, he replied, suddenly turning hostile.

01:23:06That's a big fucking only.

01:23:09He didn't seem to know how to react to my admission, so he let shock rule his responses.

01:23:15Finn looked around, possibly to see if anyone else was hearing this bullshit,

01:23:19and when he didn't get any reassurance from the rosebushes,

01:23:23he lay on his back on the concrete, covering his face with his hands.

01:23:27I waited.

01:23:29I'd had time to process the information, and he deserved that courtesy too.

01:23:34A minute later, he did something totally unexpected.

01:23:38Finn laughed, hysterically, and when the laughter died down, he sat back up,

01:23:43still clearly trying to process the information.

01:23:47I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted, but you at least needed to know, I said,

01:23:53touching his shoulder.

01:23:55It's not that.

01:23:57It's... I've been through this before, you know.

01:24:01And it was all one big lie, so, yeah, I'm having a little trouble believing this is all.

01:24:07Right, but that was a fake baby by a woman trying to deceive you.

01:24:11I would never lie to you about something so important.

01:24:14I hope you know that.

01:24:16I handed him the ultrasound pictures, and the shift in mood was immediate.

01:24:21It's hard to describe the rainbow of emotion that splashed across Finn's face

01:24:25as he took in the photos of his child.

01:24:28Shock.

01:24:28Then awe.

01:24:30Then acceptance.

01:24:31And finally, heart-melting tenderness.

01:24:34In those few short moments, as he held proof of the little life he'd helped create,

01:24:39Finn fell completely and totally in love, as somehow I just knew he would.

01:24:46How old?

01:24:47He asked, with tears in his eyes.

01:24:50Three months.

01:24:51I'm pretty sure he's a festival baby.

01:24:54He? It's a boy?

01:24:56No, I don't know.

01:24:58I keep picturing a boy, but maybe it's a girl.

01:25:00Do you care?

01:25:02Are you kidding?

01:25:04Finn was still looking at the pictures in complete amazement.

01:25:07The truth seemed to finally be settling in.

01:25:10So, I mean, you seem okay with this for a woman who doesn't want kids.

01:25:16You should have seen me a few days ago.

01:25:18Not pretty.

01:25:20Well, there's an ugly crier, and then there's me.

01:25:23Finn smiled, but it was a short-lived moment of levity.

01:25:27What are you thinking, Emma?

01:25:29If this isn't something you can do...

01:25:31I can, and I will.

01:25:33I'm committed, Finn.

01:25:35I promise to be a good mother to our baby.

01:25:38I get that you are still processing,

01:25:40and I know you will want to be a hands-on father to this baby.

01:25:43But just know, I understand this isn't a package deal.

01:25:48Meaning, you, me, and baby?

01:25:50Yes.

01:25:52There was a long silence.

01:25:54Finn studied the pictures for so long I almost interrupted him to move the conversation along.

01:26:00Finally, he surprised me by asking,

01:26:03What if I want the package deal?

01:26:06Then I'd tell you to think long and hard about that,

01:26:08because, as you've probably figured out by now,

01:26:11I'm a piece of work.

01:26:13He laughed at that,

01:26:15harder than I might have liked.

01:26:17Look, Finn, I'm not trying to disrupt your life all over again.

01:26:21I understand that you're with another woman now, and I'll respect that.

01:26:25Finn shifted to his right side and studied me long and hard

01:26:28before removing a strand of hair from my face and whispering,

01:26:32I'm with you, Emma.

01:26:34I always have been.

01:26:36My eyes brimming with tears, I asked,

01:26:39What does that mean?

01:26:41It means that even though, or maybe because,

01:26:44you ripped my damn heart out,

01:26:46I haven't moved on with anyone else.

01:26:48Rachel's not my girlfriend.

01:26:50She's Vanessa's daughter.

01:26:52She wants more, but you know,

01:26:54you screwed me up too much for anything more than friendship,

01:26:57so thanks for that.

01:26:59You're welcome, I answered in question form.

01:27:03My attempt at humor could have gone terribly wrong,

01:27:06but Finn was always a fan of my sarcasm,

01:27:09and he gave me the laugh I was hoping for.

01:27:12Boldly, I reached out and traced my finger over his face.

01:27:16It really was as swoon-worthy as the day I met him.

01:27:20His merciful eyes held understanding and patience.

01:27:23Where did that reserve of forgiveness come from?

01:27:26Why would he be willing to give me the second chance

01:27:29I so clearly didn't deserve?

01:27:31Leaning over, I brushed my lips past his.

01:27:35Finn didn't move or pull me in.

01:27:37He just lay there propped on his elbow

01:27:39and let me take the lead.

01:27:41Forgive me, I whispered.

01:27:44Please forgive me.

01:27:46Finn's hand tangled into my hair,

01:27:48and he pulled my head toward him

01:27:50and his lips pressed hard onto mine.

01:27:52His approach was equal parts aggression,

01:27:54yearning, and forgiveness.

01:27:57Wrapping my arms around his back,

01:27:59I leaned into him and crushed my mouth to his.

01:28:02We assertively reacquainted ourselves with one another,

01:28:05although I truly had never forgotten his touch or his lips.

01:28:09Lying on the steps in a heavy embrace,

01:28:12we were lost in each other's hungering lips.

01:28:15I wanted him,

01:28:16and I could have him if I just let go.

01:28:20I forgive you,

01:28:23he said between kisses,

01:28:25but don't ever do that to me again.

01:28:28I won't, I promise.

01:28:31I'm tired of wasting time.

01:28:33Me too.

01:28:35In one fluid motion,

01:28:36Finn stood and pulled me to my feet.

01:28:40Then we make a commitment right here,

01:28:42right now.

01:28:43No more games.

01:28:44You and me, Emma.

01:28:46One hundred percent.

01:28:47It's everything or nothing.

01:28:50Without a moment's hesitation,

01:28:51I answered,

01:28:53I want everything.

01:28:56Lying in his arms on my couch,

01:28:58with Finn's hand on my belly

01:29:00and my cat curled up contently on my lap,

01:29:03I felt for the first time in years

01:29:05that I was finally back in control.

01:29:07My fears would have to take a backseat

01:29:09to this new reality.

01:29:12Finn?

01:29:13Yeah.

01:29:14Do you want to move in with me and Cynthia?

01:29:17He sat up a little straighter,

01:29:18his demeanor suddenly serious.

01:29:20Look, I'll move in with you on two conditions.

01:29:24Okay.

01:29:26I tensed in preparation.

01:29:28Was it too soon after my total

01:29:30and complete betrayal of his trust

01:29:31to ask for such a thing?

01:29:34One.

01:29:35We give the damn cat a break.

01:29:37From now on, I'm calling him Theo.

01:29:40I nodded, relieved at where his conditions were going.

01:29:44I could handle that one,

01:29:45even though I wouldn't honor it.

01:29:48You can call him whatever you want.

01:29:51Right, Cynthia?

01:29:52Oh, okay.

01:29:53I see where ultimatums will get me.

01:29:56What's number two?

01:29:57I ask, tugging on his sleeve

01:29:59to refocus his attention.

01:30:01Well, that goes somewhat hand-in-hand with number one,

01:30:05and this will not be compromised.

01:30:07Your dad's not allowed anywhere near the baby

01:30:10until we have it safely named.

01:30:12That's something I can agree on, I brightened.

01:30:15And might I suggest we extend that ban

01:30:17to your mother as well?

01:30:19Indiana Jones Finnegan Perry.

01:30:22Finn cringed.

01:30:24Oh, stop.

01:30:25I love your name.

01:30:26There is no one like you,

01:30:28so why not have a name like no other?

01:30:31Does that mean if we have a boy,

01:30:32he'll be a junior?

01:30:34God, no.

01:30:35Your name dies with you.

01:30:37Wait a minute.

01:30:38I thought you loved my name.

01:30:40On you, I laughed.

01:30:42I love it on you.

01:30:44At least promise me our baby

01:30:46will have a kick-ass name.

01:30:48I mean, come on.

01:30:49This little guy fought his way

01:30:50through a rubber coating

01:30:51with a 98% effectiveness rating.

01:30:54What are the chances?

01:30:56Two percent?

01:30:57Exactly, two percent.

01:30:59That's pretty damn amazing.

01:31:01Yeah, well, no offense, Finn,

01:31:03but you were born in a toilet.

01:31:06It seems to me you're a low-percentage kind of guy.

01:31:12Chapter 22

01:31:14Emma.

01:31:152005.

01:31:17Glenn.

01:31:20The sound of metal bouncing off porcelain

01:31:22and a loud thump drew me to my feet.

01:31:25I hurried to my bedroom door,

01:31:27assuming the ruckus to be an earthquake.

01:31:29It wasn't until I heard the groan

01:31:31that I realized the ground

01:31:32wasn't actually shaking

01:31:33and that something else,

01:31:35something human and destructive,

01:31:37had caused that noise.

01:31:39Jake.

01:31:40It was the natural assumption,

01:31:42given we were currently

01:31:43the only two in the house.

01:31:45His bedroom door was wide open,

01:31:48so I turned in the other direction

01:31:49toward the bathroom.

01:31:51Jake?

01:31:52I knocked on the door,

01:31:53careful not to push it open.

01:31:55There was no privacy left in our home.

01:31:57Even the bathroom was fair game.

01:32:00Dad had taken all the locks off the doors

01:32:02to prevent Jake from

01:32:03bolting himself up inside.

01:32:06I'm fine.

01:32:07Go away.

01:32:08His four words were overcome with emotion,

01:32:11and I instantly knew

01:32:12what was happening behind the door.

01:32:15Desperately swinging it open,

01:32:17my eyes fell onto Jake,

01:32:18sprawled on the floor

01:32:19with a chair lying on its side.

01:32:22In the bathtub sat a shower rod,

01:32:24which appeared to have just recently

01:32:26crashed to the ground.

01:32:28In his hand was a thinly rolled sheet,

01:32:30and on his face was clear guilt and panic.

01:32:34The thud had been my brother

01:32:35dropping off his sheeted noose.

01:32:38Don't tell Mom and Dad, Jake said,

01:32:41in a voice so anemic

01:32:42it matched his colorless complexion.

01:32:46Tell them what?

01:32:47That you were trying to kill yourself?

01:32:49Did it ever occur to you

01:32:50that I'd be the one to find you hanging?

01:32:53Tears spilled over

01:32:54as my throat closed tightly,

01:32:56and each word that escaped the funnel

01:32:58was pitched higher than the next.

01:33:01He was going to let me find him dead.

01:33:04Why?

01:33:05Why are you doing this?

01:33:07I don't know.

01:33:09He dipped his head, dejected,

01:33:11his eyes swollen with emotion.

01:33:14I dropped to my knees

01:33:15and pulled him into my arms

01:33:16and held him tighter

01:33:17than I'd ever held anything

01:33:18in my whole life.

01:33:20Maybe I could squeeze

01:33:21the sadness out of him,

01:33:23and then he'd want to live again.

01:33:26Nothing happened,

01:33:27Jake faltered as he fought for the words.

01:33:30I fell right through the knot.

01:33:32Please don't tell Mom and Dad.

01:33:34They'll send me away.

01:33:36I pulled out of the hug

01:33:37and examined his neck.

01:33:39Aside from some redness,

01:33:41there were no permanent marks,

01:33:43although I was certain

01:33:44he'd have some nasty bruising

01:33:45from the fall.

01:33:47Still, keeping something like this

01:33:49a secret from our parents?

01:33:51I wasn't sure I could.

01:33:54They aren't going to send you away.

01:33:56Last time I was at the hospital,

01:33:58the psychiatrist said

01:33:59if I didn't stop trying to kill myself,

01:34:01they were going to lock me up

01:34:03in a mental institution.

01:34:05A treatment facility, Jake,

01:34:07not a mental institution.

01:34:09It doesn't matter.

01:34:10I don't want to go there.

01:34:12Then stop trying to kill yourself.

01:34:15Jake dropped his heavy head

01:34:16into his hands

01:34:17and shook it back and forth.

01:34:19Despair had overtaken his life.

01:34:22It was that misery

01:34:23which forced his hand.

01:34:25I gently rubbed his back

01:34:26as I could think of nothing else

01:34:28to soothe his wounded soul.

01:34:30This was suicide attempt number four,

01:34:33although it was the first

01:34:34I'd been called on to attend.

01:34:36I noted that Jake was being challenged

01:34:38to get more creative

01:34:39with each subsequent try.

01:34:41My parents had grown increasingly savvy.

01:34:44And with every attempt,

01:34:46more things were removed from his reach.

01:34:48All potentially dangerous items

01:34:50had been locked away,

01:34:52including anything sharp or ingestible.

01:34:55After today,

01:34:56I had to wonder

01:34:57if we'd be checking out bedsheets

01:34:58to keep Jake from hanging himself on them.

01:35:02Why do you do this to yourself?

01:35:04I don't know, he whispered.

01:35:07I think you do.

01:35:08He looked down at his trembling hands

01:35:10and wrung them together.

01:35:12I won't tell Mom and Dad on one condition.

01:35:16Jake lifted his head,

01:35:17and the tiniest ray of hope

01:35:18shone in his tired eyes.

01:35:21What condition?

01:35:23Tell me why you want to die.

01:35:27The bed tent was one of my finest.

01:35:30I'd taken extra care

01:35:31to clip it higher than usual.

01:35:34Jake had recently begun a growth spurt,

01:35:36and I knew his gangling arms and legs

01:35:38would not fit in my standard-sized creation.

01:35:42Before retreating to my room,

01:35:44we'd repaired the bathroom

01:35:45to the best of our ability.

01:35:47Aside from a wobbly shower rod,

01:35:50it would be impossible

01:35:50for our parents to know

01:35:52what Jake had been doing

01:35:53while they were away.

01:35:54I still wasn't sure

01:35:55I was doing the right thing with this deal,

01:35:58but nothing else had worked on him,

01:36:00so I felt it was worth a try.

01:36:03What is this?

01:36:04Jake asked,

01:36:05touching the smoothness of the sheet.

01:36:07It's a safety tent.

01:36:09When you're inside,

01:36:10nothing can hurt you.

01:36:12Emma, no offense,

01:36:14but you live in a fantasy land.

01:36:16Nowhere is safe.

01:36:18Well, this is.

01:36:19I spent months under this

01:36:20with Quinn and Grace

01:36:21after you came home.

01:36:23They were scared of your screams.

01:36:26Redness enveloped his cheeks,

01:36:28and he fidgeted uncomfortably

01:36:29before looking away.

01:36:31I touched his arm.

01:36:33It wasn't your fault.

01:36:35Grace hates me.

01:36:37She doesn't hate you.

01:36:38Grace just doesn't understand

01:36:40what you've been through.

01:36:41She hates me.

01:36:43Sighing,

01:36:44I gestured toward the opening in the tent,

01:36:47welcoming him in.

01:36:49I'm not climbing in there.

01:36:50That's stupid.

01:36:51We have a deal, Jake.

01:36:53Get in before I change my mind.

01:36:56Begrudgingly,

01:36:57he crawled through the opening,

01:36:58and I followed him in.

01:37:00Once we were both sitting cross-legged on my bed,

01:37:03Jake repeated his earlier observation.

01:37:06This is stupid.

01:37:07I know.

01:37:08We've already established that.

01:37:10Although he preferred silence,

01:37:12my brother had slowly begun

01:37:13to communicate again.

01:37:15More often than not,

01:37:16it was surly remarks

01:37:18or angry outbursts,

01:37:19but at least he was talking.

01:37:21It had been nine months

01:37:22since the kidnapping,

01:37:24and up until today,

01:37:25he'd seemed to be improving.

01:37:27Of course, the whole school ordeal

01:37:29had been a setback,

01:37:30but now that he was home again

01:37:32and making music,

01:37:33I thought the suicide days

01:37:35were behind him.

01:37:37Jake picked up a book on my bed,

01:37:39turned it over a few times,

01:37:40and then said,

01:37:42You study a lot.

01:37:44What else do I have to do?

01:37:46Go outside?

01:37:47Have fun with friends?

01:37:49Anything but staying inside and studying.

01:37:52I could say the same to you.

01:37:54I don't study.

01:37:55I meant the staying inside part.

01:37:58Do you miss school?

01:37:59The bitter scoff was his only reply.

01:38:03After multiple rounds

01:38:04of heavy debating,

01:38:06it had been decided that Jake

01:38:07would return to his middle school

01:38:08to finish up the last semester

01:38:10of his eighth grade year.

01:38:12A string of tutors had kept him

01:38:13at grade level during the months

01:38:15that followed the kidnapping,

01:38:17so when the time was right,

01:38:18he could rejoin his classmates.

01:38:21Academically, he was more than ready,

01:38:23but we all knew

01:38:24that wouldn't be the main problem.

01:38:26Socially, Jake had regressed

01:38:28to timid toddler levels.

01:38:31Hoping to ease him back

01:38:32into the normal life of a teenager,

01:38:34Mom and Dad had thought

01:38:35that returning him

01:38:36to the familiar environment

01:38:37of the middle school

01:38:38would prove less of a shock

01:38:40than dropping him directly

01:38:41into high school as a freshman

01:38:42the following fall.

01:38:45Keith had been the biggest vocal opponent

01:38:47of Jake's return to school,

01:38:49followed close behind by Kyle.

01:38:51Perhaps they could see

01:38:52the writing on the wall,

01:38:54or maybe they just understood

01:38:55how cruel boys that age

01:38:57could be toward a broken soul.

01:38:59But Mom and Dad thought

01:39:00they had that covered.

01:39:02Before the crime that rocked his world,

01:39:04Jake had had a close set of friends,

01:39:06ones who were ready

01:39:07and willing to help make

01:39:08his school transition an easy one.

01:39:10And that, in a nutshell,

01:39:12was what my parents

01:39:13had been banking on

01:39:14when they made the decision

01:39:15to send him back in the first place.

01:39:18Perhaps they'd envisioned

01:39:19a cocoon of safety surrounding him,

01:39:21but what they hadn't foreseen

01:39:22was that Jake himself

01:39:24would sabotage the entire operation.

01:39:27See, he had no intention

01:39:29of rejoining the old friend group,

01:39:31and instead spent his first days

01:39:33actively avoiding them.

01:39:35And when they did find him

01:39:36and tried to engage,

01:39:38Jake reacted with

01:39:39the coldest of shoulders.

01:39:41Eventually, he got what he wanted.

01:39:43A table to himself

01:39:44in the far corners of the cafeteria,

01:39:46where he could wallow

01:39:47in the depths of his despair.

01:39:50Kyle was always there,

01:39:51staying a safe distance

01:39:53while still within range

01:39:54if he were ever needed.

01:39:55But Jake had long since

01:39:57cut our little brother

01:39:58out of his life.

01:39:59The rejection had scarred Kyle

01:40:01as much as the wounds

01:40:02he'd received from Ray.

01:40:04But he was nothing if not loyal.

01:40:06And never once abandoned Jake,

01:40:08even when he'd not been afforded

01:40:10the same courtesy.

01:40:12Isolated and vulnerable,

01:40:14Jake left the door open

01:40:15for bullies to get a foothold.

01:40:18After only a couple of weeks,

01:40:19he was coming home with bruises,

01:40:21all while steadfastly refusing

01:40:23to rat out the culprits.

01:40:25It was almost as if

01:40:26Jake welcomed the fists.

01:40:28There was no fight left in him.

01:40:30He did what he was told

01:40:31without protest.

01:40:33Kyle, of course,

01:40:34did not subscribe

01:40:35to Jake's apathetic ways,

01:40:37and spent more time home

01:40:38on suspension for fighting

01:40:40than at school.

01:40:42Jake's final day

01:40:43came two months later,

01:40:44when an altercation

01:40:45in the boys' bathroom

01:40:46woke him up,

01:40:47and he rained fury

01:40:48down upon his tormentors.

01:40:50It took three teachers

01:40:51to pull him off.

01:40:53And two bullies

01:40:54were sent home

01:40:55battered and bruised.

01:40:56Had he been anyone else,

01:40:58Jake would have been expelled.

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