Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00🎵
00:26SNORING
00:36PHONE RINGS
00:48Hello?
00:56Hello?
00:58Get off my grass!
01:00What?
01:01Monty, it's Sammy.
01:02Sammy, what are you...
01:04It's 3.15 in the morning.
01:06What? What's in the morning?
01:09Squeeze my tits and call me Barbara.
01:11Yeah. Monty, I didn't wake you, did I?
01:14Of course you want me. What do you want?
01:16I cannot stop thinking about last night's gig,
01:19you know, the one at the private members' club.
01:21Nursing home?
01:23I absolutely stomped it, Monty!
01:25And I am ready.
01:27Ready for what?
01:29Yes, I am, shut up!
01:31Excuse me?
01:33No, sorry, Monty, I wasn't talking to you.
01:35I'm not talking to you.
01:36What do you mean? Who were you talking to?
01:38Come on, Monty, let's climb aboard the comedy cock
01:41and ride it really hard to the moon and back.
01:43What is this lunatic talking about?
01:46Not cock, chicken.
01:48Monty, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
01:50Let's do the Solano gig tonight!
01:57Look, Sammy, why don't I take you out to lunch, eh?
02:01At Merino's? That's good.
02:03Yeah, Monty, don't wake the rhino!
02:08I'm trying very hard not to.
02:13Sammy loves you! I tell you who loves you!
02:15Sammy loves you! Do you love Sammy? Of course you love Sammy!
02:18Now, don't you ruin this for me. No, I'm not listening!
02:21La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la.
02:23God, I dare you!
02:40What are you doing?
02:42I don't know.
02:44Morning!
02:46Spoke to Kenneth.
02:48Told him I was doing a bit of freelance work as a professional muse
02:53and wouldn't be around much today.
02:55He looked delighted.
02:58So, what time are we starting?
03:02As soon as the barman arrives.
03:05Oh, Polly, no.
03:08I don't need to drink, I choose to drink.
03:11Helps oil the wheels of creativity.
03:13All the great artists do it.
03:15And she did write five whole chapters yesterday.
03:19But they were disgusting.
03:21The main character is based on me.
03:24Obviously, I changed the name to protect her identity.
03:28And, of course, the physical description had to be somewhat modified.
03:32To protect my identity.
03:35Yeah, let's go with that.
03:40Why do you keep doing that? Have you got hiccups?
03:42I don't think I...
03:44Argh!
03:47How's that? Has that helped?
03:50Not really.
03:52It feels like somebody keeps throwing me in the back
03:57with something hard.
04:00Hey! Just like in chapter three.
04:08Solana, Benidorm.
04:11OK, let me find the pen. Hold on to the line, please.
04:20Dennis!
04:26What do you think you're doing?
04:28I told you to stay out of the reception. We're tempting fate here.
04:31You know our quarry's already getting sus.
04:33This is day after day. I've already asked.
04:35You asked?
04:37Look, there's a petting zoo just an hour's drive away.
04:40Do you want to go?
04:42No, of course I don't.
04:44But they've got a llama.
04:46Look, we've got two days before we actually have to do our job and go home.
04:50And I plan to spend both of them keeping my head down,
04:53sitting by the pool and getting a tan.
04:56You never want to do anything anymore.
04:58You've changed.
05:00Excuse me? Remember when we first joined the force?
05:03We used to go out and do stuff together all the time.
05:06Poker nights and pub crawls, Dennis.
05:08Not a sodding petting zoo.
05:12They've got a llama.
05:233.15 in the morning?
05:25Yeah, all right, that is a bit odd.
05:27A bit? Sam, the man is a complete lunatic.
05:31You should have seen him at that nursing home last night.
05:34Four uncles. Four!
05:36Well, that's good, isn't it?
05:38No, it is not good.
05:40Even before the first one, the room was completely empty.
05:43They wheeled them all off to bed.
05:45Sammy just keeps going out there anyway, didn't even notice.
05:49And now he thinks he's playing here tonight.
05:53I'm going to have to cut him loose. I've got no choice.
05:55OK, let's not be hasty here.
05:57Perhaps if we were to take another 100 out of the entertainment fund,
06:00we could... There isn't an entertainment fund.
06:03It's in that account.
06:04And if Joyce sees that headcase I've been spending it on,
06:07she'll kill me.
06:09Or divorce me.
06:11Or both.
06:12So there's no money left at all?
06:14Not a penny.
06:16Well, it's been a pleasure working with you.
06:19What? There you are!
06:21What are you doing here?
06:23You're supposed to be filling in next week's schedules.
06:26As I was saying, you're doing a great job
06:29and we're all very pleased with you.
06:32Sorry, darling, I was just giving the staff a little pep talk.
06:35I do sort of feel that it is part of my job to help raise morale.
06:39Well, it isn't.
06:41And Sam, as I am continually pointing out to her,
06:44is not Solana's staff.
06:47Oh!
06:49Oh, um...
06:51You!
06:52I just wanted to say you're doing great work.
06:55Keep it up.
06:57Two very small large vodkas, please.
07:01It's a bit early.
07:03It's OK. I'm a writer.
07:07Come on, then.
07:16Come on, love.
07:18I think you should try and eat something.
07:20I'm not hungry.
07:22Never that bloody man dragging her off like that.
07:25Forbidding her seeing our Rob.
07:27I know. Acting like our whole family's not good enough for her.
07:31Carrying on like we're all a bunch of scruffy, bloody common peasants or something.
07:36You've got a bit of egg on your tash, Dad.
07:41Strange. Didn't have egg this morning.
07:45Hey.
07:47You are Tommy, yes?
07:49Rob.
07:50Yes. He's close enough.
07:52Your girlfriend, she has called reception.
07:54She's wanting me to give you a massage.
07:56She wants you to give me a massage?
07:58Yes.
07:59But I am afraid it is not having a happy ending.
08:05Oh, a message.
08:07Is what I am saying.
08:09She is saying she is loving you very much,
08:13but that her father is very protective
08:17and has taken your number from her phone.
08:20She was hoping it would be different this time.
08:23Her last boyfriend worked for him and he eventually had him shot.
08:28What?
08:29Is what she's saying.
08:31This afternoon she is returning to her country
08:35and you will always be having a place inside of her heart.
08:40Did you finish with the breakfast?
08:45This is not part of the message.
08:50I will come back.
08:54He had her last boyfriend shot.
08:57Oh, of course he didn't.
08:59She obviously said fired and that clown of a barman wrote it, literally.
09:04I am so sorry, Rob.
09:07We all are, kid.
09:10No.
09:13No.
09:23SNORING
09:39Kenny, I am bored.
09:41Oh, stop moaning.
09:43I gave you Mrs Cattle Prod, didn't I?
09:45Yeah, but one client since yesterday.
09:47And her name is Gattleford, not Cattle Prod.
09:50Potato, potato.
09:52Will you stop going on about how quiet it is? You're going to jinx it.
09:55After the week I've had, I could do with some downtime.
09:57Do you know, the universe has been treating me like a ping-pong ball.
09:59I'm owed some karma, Liam.
10:01All right, are you open?
10:03Yes.
10:04What can we do for you?
10:06I was hoping to take you up on your offer, actually.
10:09What offer?
10:10Free haircuts for life.
10:12You said last year me and Tiger did a bit of modelling for you.
10:15The adverts for Troy's salon.
10:17Oh, that.
10:19Sorry, Troy's gone, offer's finished.
10:21Should have read your Ts and Cs, love.
10:23We're not exactly rushed off our feet, Kenneth, and we do owe them.
10:27Hang on.
10:29I don't even think that's the same one.
10:31No, I am.
10:33Just got a bit better looking.
10:35Right, fine, whatever.
10:38Take a seat.
10:39Let's get this over and done with.
10:43Psst.
10:44Free haircuts for life.
10:45Was we drunk?
10:46We were, yeah.
10:48Any chance of a brew there as well?
10:50We've skipped breakfast for this.
11:00Where's Rob?
11:02I don't know.
11:03Said he wanted to be on his own, so...
11:05So you just took him at his word?
11:07Well, yeah.
11:08Didn't occur to you that perhaps he needs his family around him right now?
11:12Sharon, you need to understand that men and women
11:16handle these types of situations very differently.
11:19If Rob said he wants to be alone, then he wants to be alone.
11:25Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
11:27He's through, Sharon.
11:29Young Billy were just the same at that age.
11:32When his first girlfriend dumped him,
11:34he wouldn't leave his room for weeks.
11:36It wasn't weeks, it was two days, Max.
11:38It were an entire summer holidays.
11:41He just stopped up there listening to that bloody Robin Hood song.
11:45Crying and crying and crying...
11:47All right, Dad.
11:49The point is, that's how men handle this sort of thing.
11:53What, by blubbing like babies?
11:56Dawson men might, normal men don't.
11:59Yes, well, in case it's escaped your attention,
12:02Rob is a Dawson man.
12:04Half of him might be, but the other half is pure grade-A chase.
12:09Exactly. Come on, Ma'am, we'll take care of this.
12:12No, don't, you'll just make the...
12:15Oh, what's the point?
12:17You know it's true
12:20Everything I do
12:23I do it for you
12:26Shut up.
12:31And you're absolutely positive
12:33this is both anatomically and contortionally possible?
12:38Well, I'm not quite sure what two of those words mean,
12:42but, er, oh, yes.
12:45Hmm.
12:47She should probably say something now.
12:49What shall we put?
12:51Ooh!
12:53Yeah, that sounds about right.
12:56It's my hand, it feels like someone hit it with a mallet.
13:02Oh, what's happening to me?
13:06First me back, then me hand.
13:09Ooh!
13:11Do you think I might have some sort of brain disease?
13:15Very probably.
13:19Muse?
13:21Where are you going?
13:23Muse!
13:26Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but do I know you?
13:32I don't think so.
13:34Oh, I'm sure I do.
13:36I never forget a face, amongst other things.
13:40Yeah, I've definitely seen you before,
13:43only you were dressed in some kind of uniform.
13:48Not cheerleaders.
13:50Police officers, that was it.
13:53You were police officers.
13:55Oh!
13:56You were investigating Mike Donald for fraud.
14:00Donald? Donald Stewart?
14:02Donald Stewart?
14:03Yes!
14:04You had to drop the case after he died.
14:08Well, I'm really sorry to hear that.
14:11Listen, we're actually undercover here, so...
14:14Oh, that'll be the trees.
14:16It's why I always sit over this side.
14:19No, no, no.
14:21Undercover, in the middle of an investigation.
14:24On the down low, QT, the hush-hush.
14:28Oh!
14:30So it's really, really important
14:32that you don't let anybody know who we are.
14:36I understand.
14:38Well, nice to see you both again, anyway.
14:43And you.
14:46Nigel, it's fine.
14:48She got the message.
14:52Where you are, Muse?
14:54You can't keep wandering off like that.
14:56Sorry, I was just talking to them coppers.
15:04So, your man goes,
15:06David Beckham doesn't have his hair cut like this.
15:09And the barber gives it,
15:11he does if he comes in here.
15:18But did he get a cut in the end?
15:20What?
15:22No, Joey, it's a joke.
15:24Oh!
15:27Here, what happens if your mate cracks a smile?
15:30His face shatter?
15:31Yeah!
15:37Oh.
15:38Oh, that's interesting.
15:40What?
15:41You appear to be on the phone.
15:46That's a different tiger.
15:47A different tiger.
15:48Do you think I was born yesterday?
15:50Right, Liam, scissors down.
15:52Well, actually, I've just finished.
15:54Oh, well, good.
15:55I hope you like it, cos you're going to pay for it.
15:57Eight euros, please, come on.
15:59Kenny!
16:00Liam, he's scamming us.
16:02We weren't trying to scam you,
16:04I just saw the offer could extend to my mate.
16:06It can, it has, you're fine.
16:08Look,
16:10I'll tell you what,
16:11if it bothers you that much,
16:13I'll sit back down in the chair
16:14and you can put all the hair back in.
16:16No.
16:17Aye, come on, Joey.
16:19Thanks, mate.
16:21You're welcome.
16:24You're welcome, you're welcome.
16:26You do realise we've just effectively been mugged?
16:28Don't be stupid.
16:30Oh, oh, what's this?
16:32It's a scratch card.
16:34Must have come out of his pocket.
16:37What are you doing?
16:38What do you expect me to do? It's a scratch card.
16:40It's like giving somebody bubble wrap and telling them not to pop it.
16:43Yeah, but...
16:44Oh, my God!
16:47200 euros!
16:49He's won 200 euros.
16:50No, correction, Liam.
16:52I've won 200 euros.
16:54Karma, Liam, karma!
16:56Kenneth!
16:57Kenneth!
16:59Kenneth!
17:06I'm sorry for what has happened.
17:09But you should not blame yourself for this.
17:11You should not sit here like a little cryboy
17:13thinking to yourself over and over,
17:15oh, if Onya had been a real man, perhaps she would have stayed.
17:19What?
17:20I wasn't thinking that at all.
17:22You were not?
17:24No.
17:25Oh.
17:28Good.
17:29Because you should not.
17:31OK, yes, she was very...
17:34WHISTLES
17:36..and you are more like...
17:39HE GROANS
17:41But you should not be worrying that this is the real reason she has left you.
17:45I'm not.
17:47You are not.
17:48No.
17:50Ah, it is good, then.
17:52You are over it.
17:54I'm not over it, mate.
17:56She was the love of my life.
17:59How can this be?
18:01If she were the love of your life, you would not be sitting here, would you?
18:05No.
18:07This is what you do, my friend.
18:09You move on.
18:12Hey, we have a saying in Spain.
18:15When you have fallen from the horse...
18:17Get right back in the saddle.
18:19No.
18:21You must now ride the donkey.
18:24There you are.
18:25We've been... Where are you going?
18:27She said they were flying this afternoon.
18:29That means there's still time.
18:30What did I tell you? 50% chase.
18:33Well, what are you standing there for? Go, go!
18:38So you can see why this is so important.
18:41You can't say anything to anybody.
18:44Do you understand?
18:46I'm sorry. Who are you again?
18:50What about you? Did you hear what we said?
19:02Hello? Miss?
19:04Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I'd just saw...
19:10Yeah, I think we're golden here.
19:14Bye, officers.
19:18We really should have gone to that petting zoo.
19:28Son, I was just thinking about breaking wind.
19:32Right. Well, it's nice of you to pre-warn me for once.
19:38No. I mean, that teleprogramme with Baldy fella.
19:42You got boxed set for Christmas.
19:44Oh, Breaking Bad.
19:47What about it?
19:49Well, some of them on there, they were from South America, weren't they?
19:53And they had white suits and moustaches and private jets.
19:59What are you trying to say, Dad? Are you trying to say Franco is a drug dealer?
20:02Or a gunrunner. Zads!
20:05You can't say things like that. That's racist.
20:11Mind you, that bit in the message about her last boyfriend,
20:17that was a bit odd, wasn't it?
20:19If you ask me, our Rob's just had a very lucky escape.
20:23I think we all might have.
20:26I think we all might have.
20:33Well, you'll be pleased to hear that me and my mum have taken care of everything.
20:37Great.
20:38That's right. Even as we speak, Rob is racing to the airport
20:42to confront Sid's father one-on-one.
20:45He's what?!
20:56Hello?
20:58Hello?
21:02What can I get for you?
21:04Oh, nothing.
21:06I think perhaps you would like a nice glass of cherry.
21:10Oh, no, I'd better not.
21:12I think there might be something wrong with me brain.
21:16You don't say.
21:18Perhaps a cup of coffee.
21:21OK, I will bring it over to you.
21:26MUSIC PLAYS
21:29Hello.
21:31Excuse me, waiter.
21:34Yes?
21:36Can I have a glass of cherry, please?
21:39Doreen?
21:42Noreen!
21:56I don't know why we didn't just tell them what's going on.
21:59Because we don't actually know what's going on, do we?
22:02If we tell Sharon and Mum, they'll just think we're nuts.
22:05I mean, I think we're nuts.
22:07I'm 60-40 that this gun-runner-drug-dealer stuff
22:09is just some deluded fantasy in your head,
22:11but we can't risk it. We've got to get to that airport.
22:14Wait, wait! Shouldn't we get tooled up first?
22:17Tooled up?
22:19I don't know.
22:22It's not a prison riot, Dad.
22:2460-40, son. 60-40.
22:28Those chairs in our room look like they might unscrew.
22:31There's a pool table out here, isn't there?
22:33Right, meet back here in five minutes.
22:35MUSIC PLAYS
22:52So, have you cashed in your ill-gotten gains yet?
22:55No, I haven't, as it goes.
22:57Aha! I knew it, and do you know why?
22:59Because deep down you realise it will be wrong.
23:01No, it's because deep down I realise that the shop's closed for siesta.
23:06I overheard them talking.
23:08They're off to go and clubbing,
23:10but they haven't even got enough money for the bus fare.
23:13This is their holiday, Kenny.
23:15Look, Liam, that young whippersnapper comes into our salon
23:18pretending to be someone he's not,
23:20cons us out of a free haircut, demands a cup of tea,
23:22and then has the audacity to sit there telling barber jokes.
23:25I'm sorry, but what goes around comes around.
23:27Well, I hope you sleep well tonight.
23:29Well, since I'm planning on shoving half my winnings
23:31behind the bar at the Piccadilly, I don't think that'll be a problem.
23:34MUSIC PLAYS
23:49MONTY WHOOPS
23:51Monty!
23:53Monty's here, Monty's here.
23:55Come on, bring it in for a man hug.
23:57Oh, Monty, love to see you.
23:59Come on, come and sit your pupper down here.
24:01There we go. Oh, that's it.
24:03Sammy, thanks for meeting me.
24:07This is a bit difficult.
24:09This is about the Solana gig, isn't it?
24:11In a sense, yeah.
24:13When you want me to do the hat routine.
24:15The what?
24:17Oh, don't be coy!
24:19Everybody's so coy about it.
24:21We can't ask Sammy to do the hat routine,
24:23he's probably sick of the hat routine.
24:25He's Sammy Valentino, there's more to him than just the hat routine.
24:28But, listen, I can't make you any promises,
24:30but all I'm saying, right, is make sure you stick around
24:34for the fourth encore.
24:36Fourth? Mm.
24:38Look, Sammy, I've got to cut straight to the chase here.
24:41I think we have to...
24:44Sammy? Sammy Valentino?
24:47Yes. I don't believe it.
24:49It's really you, isn't it? Yeah.
24:51Can I touch you?
24:53Well, as long as it's above the equator.
25:03Wow.
25:05Look, Sammy Valentino, I'm like your biggest fan.
25:08Hey!
25:09Oh, loves you!
25:11Sammy loves you!
25:13Get off my grass!
25:15Don't wake the rhino!
25:17I'm shaking, I'm literally shaking.
25:19Here, I'll feel my arm. No, I'm fine, thanks.
25:22Hey!
25:24Where's Manny?
25:29Me and Manny no longer work together anymore,
25:32so if you don't mind, I'm in the middle of a meeting with my manager.
25:35Thank you. Oh. Oh, yeah, of course.
25:38Sorry, Sammy. Thank you.
25:40Thanks. Thank you.
25:45Who's Manny?
25:47My old double-act partner.
25:51You were in a double act?
25:53Sadly, he's not with us anymore.
25:55Oh. Oh, I'm very sorry.
25:57Here, come on, come on. It's about the hat routine.
26:00Sammy...
26:02I just think that we need...
26:04Oh, Monty!
26:06Listen, I knew this would happen.
26:08Every time I get recognised, it happens.
26:11Come on.
26:13Everybody calm down, all right?
26:15I'm going to give you 15 minutes and that's your lot, all right?
26:18No, no, no, Sammy, I think they're just setting up the karaoke for tonight.
26:22Come on. Sammy! Let's plug it in.
26:24Here we go. Come on, give it to him. Sammy!
26:29But I don't understand.
26:31What are you doing here?
26:33My new boyfriend has a villa out here.
26:37Your new boyfriend?
26:39Mind that fly.
26:41It was a nightmare.
26:43This irritating little brat behind me
26:47spent the whole journey
26:50kicking the back of my seat.
26:53When I got dropped off here,
26:55this idiot of a taxi driver
26:58slammed the door on my head.
27:02Oh!
27:04So there's nothing wrong with my brain after all?
27:08I think the jury's still out there.
27:11Oh! You mean you two have got one of those psychopathic links
27:16that twins sometimes get?
27:19Oh, I should put that in the book.
27:22Give Jackie a twin sister
27:25and every time Jackie has a, you know, big finish,
27:29a sister has one too,
27:31even if she's in the middle of Tesco's.
27:34Clean up on aisle six!
27:39You were writing a book?
27:41My debut novel,
27:43a steamy erotic fantasy
27:45based on me.
27:47I always knew you were destined for greatness, Pauline.
27:55She takes after me, doesn't she?
27:57Yes.
27:59Yes, I think she does.
28:02Are you ready? Get those hands in the air!
28:15Isn't he amazing?
28:17Actually, when he's working an audience that isn't half comatose
28:22and wearing catheters,
28:24yes, he kind of is.
28:26I can't believe I'm actually watching Sammy Valentino live.
28:29Well, you think this is good?
28:31Come down to the Salona tonight.
28:33It's the first night of his comeback tour.
28:35Do you think he'd do the hat routine?
28:37He knows something.
28:39I think he just might.
28:41Sweet Caroline!
28:43Come on!
28:46Good times never seemed so good
28:51I've been in love
28:55Don't you believe they never were
29:00Oh, no, no
29:08I love you!
29:10I love you, Sammy!
29:20I love you!
29:29Sid!
29:33Robbie!
29:35You should not be here. Come.
29:37No!
29:40Father, don't!
29:44What are you doing here?
29:46What do you think I'm doing here?
29:48You can't get on that plane.
29:50You can't.
29:52I've got us two tickets to Paris.
29:54Paris?
29:55My daughter is coming home with me.
29:59You know I love you.
30:01What is this?
30:07Ask me the question, Robbie.
30:09Question?
30:11The one I couldn't answer before.
30:13Ask me now.
30:19No.
30:22Sid.
30:27Will you marry me?
30:29Yes.
30:31I will marry you, Robbie.
30:33You will?
30:35What, really?
30:36Yes, really.
30:43What do you think you're doing?
30:45You defy your own father.
30:48And you?
30:50You come here despite everything that I said?
30:54You ask for my daughter's hand in marriage?
30:57Right in front of me?
31:03Truly, you are a real man.
31:08And you are a little girl no more.
31:12You will talk to my pilot.
31:14He will take you to Paris.
31:16Going on your jet?
31:18What will you do?
31:20I will send for another to come and fetch me.
31:47Ping pong balls?
31:50A pool table with coin operated.
31:53I didn't have any change.
32:01Mr. Franco.
32:03What are you doing here?
32:06You know these men?
32:08I'm going to need five minutes alone with them.
32:12Do not worry about me.
32:14I am not here.
32:20Hello?
32:21What are you doing, pal?
32:22Excuse me?
32:24Hello?
32:40So he's good?
32:41Good? He's fantastic.
32:43He had the whole crowd eating out of his hand.
32:47You were right all along.
32:49He just needed to find his mojo again.
32:52Monty?
32:54Monty?
32:55Are you down there?
33:01Is he here?
33:02Is he in there?
33:04You've actually done it.
33:06A genuine light entertainment legend.
33:09Was there ever any doubt?
33:11Wait, can I meet him?
33:14You can meet him soon enough.
33:16At least give me some kind of clue.
33:18Get off my grass!
33:21Alan Tishmarsh?
33:24Joyce, all will be revealed.
33:28Trust me.
33:29Just go upstairs, make sure the guests are having fun,
33:32and we'll take it from there.
33:35Come in.
33:40And I, Monty!
33:42Sammy!
33:44Nice to see you, Monty.
33:45Who might you be?
33:47Sam.
33:48We've met several times, including yesterday.
33:51OK, did we...
33:52Never mind.
33:53Right, anyway.
33:54I'm Sam.
33:55Nice to meet you.
33:56Nice to meet you.
33:57Nice to meet you.
33:58Nice to meet you.
33:59Nice to meet you.
34:00Nice to meet you.
34:01Nice to meet you.
34:03Right, anyway.
34:04You hold on to this.
34:06This is my props bag.
34:08This is for the hat routine.
34:10That's not an hat.
34:11Don't ruin the punchline, darling, all right?
34:16It must be in here.
34:17The jacket!
34:18Famous jacket!
34:19Sorry?
34:20My sparkly jacket!
34:22I must have left it at home.
34:23It's just a jacket.
34:25Monty, what do you mean, just a jacket?
34:27I suppose Hendrix's Fender Strata was just a guitar, was it?
34:30Monty, I need the jacket!
34:31I need the jacket!
34:32All right, all right, all right.
34:35You're not until nine.
34:36I'll go and get it, OK?
34:38Just try and keep yourself calm.
34:41Here.
34:43Get the jacket.
34:44Get the jacket.
34:46Find the jacket.
34:47Right, I'll go and fetch his jacket,
34:50but he's starting to get the fear again.
34:52You need to stay here in case he tries to leg it.
34:55I can't, I'm supposed to be meeting Joey for a...
34:58I had a picture of you in my mind
35:04Never knew it would be so wrong
35:08I'll fix the orange juice, please.
35:11Are you Joe, or are you your crazy sister?
35:14I'm me.
35:18OK, I believe you.
35:28Engaged. He's got engaged, and he didn't tell me.
35:31From what Franco tells us, it was kind of spontaneous.
35:34Yes, I do believe he loves my daughter, and she him.
35:39I've always liked that girl.
35:45What?
35:50You haven't cast it, eh?
35:52I haven't had time.
35:53You've got time now.
35:54Shop don't close for another ten minutes.
35:59You do feel guilty, don't you?
36:01No.
36:04They're just kids, Kenny.
36:05You're honestly telling me you didn't do worse things
36:07than blagging a free haircut when you were their age?
36:10Come on, let's go over, do a good deed.
36:13You said it yourself, what goes around comes around.
36:16Karma, Kenny, karma.
36:18All right, fine.
36:20But not because I feel guilty, OK?
36:22Just to shut you up.
36:37I will fetch champagne.
36:39Oh, no, no, champagne's not part of the all-inclusive.
36:42Oh, right, billionaire. Forgot.
36:45Well, he better bloody ring me as soon as he lands,
36:47that's all I can say.
36:49You two went down there armed?
36:51He got into me head, convinced me the guy was a gunrunner.
36:55Pair of idiots.
36:57Well, I don't think you're an idiot.
36:59I think you're brave, risking your own life for our son.
37:03Yeah, yeah, I suppose I did.
37:05What do you think about that then, Loretta?
37:08Not bad for a dorsal man, eh?
37:10Guess we're not all a bunch of crybabies after all.
37:16Look into my eyes
37:20You'll see
37:22Excuse me, I just, um...
37:24I need to use the little boys' room.
37:26You do to me
37:28Bless him.
37:30Such a heart
37:32Such a soul
37:36And when you find me there
37:40You'll know
37:43For God's sake!
37:47Excuse me.
37:49Oh, it's you.
37:51I just wanted to kind of apologise about this morning.
37:54I've been under a lot of pressure lately and...
37:57I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
37:59No worries, mate. Apology accepted.
38:02Oh, it's not the end of it. Please, excuse me.
38:07And just to show there's no hard feelings,
38:11I found this.
38:14The shop's still open for ten more minutes.
38:16So if you run, you'll probably be able to cash it tonight.
38:19I don't know what to say. That's just...
38:21Wow, thanks, man!
38:23Oh!
38:25I told you they were cool.
38:29There. Now don't you feel better?
38:31Oh, do you know what, Liam?
38:33I've got a kind of warm, fuzzy feeling going through me.
38:35Yeah.
38:36Get off!
38:38Oh!
38:39Sorry, Mrs Cattleprog.
38:40Gattleford.
38:41Gattleford. I didn't see you there.
38:43You all right, love?
38:44No. I bought a scratch card this morning and I can't find it.
38:49I didn't leave it in the salon, did I?
38:53Stupid boy!
39:39Oh!
39:50Maddie?
39:59No!
40:08No!
40:14Sawdust.
40:30Uh, excuse me. Guests aren't allowed back here.
40:34I'm looking for Sammy Valentino. I'm his biggest fan.
40:37What are these?
40:38I was hoping he could sign some of me merch.
40:41I've got some old flyers, photos.
40:44I've even made replica props.
40:48Look, I hand-stitched this myself.
40:51Uh, could I borrow this?
40:54No.
41:18Hi.
41:19To take your heart away.
41:23It flies in tomorrow. I can't wait for you to meet him.
41:28And you especially, Polly.
41:30Cos I know we've always had the same tastes.
41:36Plus, he's about your age.
41:40What?
41:41Oh! So you're a cougar, then?
41:44I'm not what!
41:46How dare you speak to me like that?
41:50Oh, no, I didn't mean, um... Oh, dear.
41:54Um, hello, officers!
41:57Don't cry now.
42:00Will you please just listen to me?
42:03We are undercover.
42:06On the down low, the QT, the hush-hush.
42:09Did that help last time, Dennis?
42:11No.
42:12No. Try to understand.
42:14We are not police officers.
42:16We're just a couple of retired greengrocers.
42:19Gay ones.
42:20Yes, thank you, Dennis.
42:21Greengrocers? That's your cover story?
42:24Pathetic.
42:25You'd never cut it as creative writers.
42:28You need to come up with something much more exotic than that.
42:32Why don't you say you're...
42:35...treasure hunters?
42:36Brilliant.
42:37Thank you, Auntie D.
42:39What? No, we're not treasure hunters.
42:41We're greengrocers, OK? Greengrocers.
42:44Gay ones.
42:45You don't have to keep adding that.
42:59I'm so excited.
43:00Oh, come on, surely you can tell me now.
43:02Won't you, old man?
43:05It's Cliff, isn't it?
43:06It has to be Cliff.
43:09Oh.
43:11Oh.
43:16Hello?
43:17Sam. Sam.
43:18Cancel everything.
43:19You've got to get him out of that hotel now.
43:22The man is a 24-carat bona fide nutjob.
43:25Sorry?
43:26Well, his ex-double-hat partner was a puppet.
43:29And I think he must have put him through the woodchipper at some stage
43:32and now he keeps him in an urn.
43:34He thought the sodding thing was alive
43:36and attempting to sabotage his career.
43:38He's been through a whole string of breakdowns over it
43:40and in and out of various different institutions for two decades.
43:44How do you know that?
43:45Because he's kept all the bloody press cuttings.
43:48I think he thinks they're positive.
43:52He's put them all in a scrapbook
43:55and covered the front in glitter.
44:00Uh-oh.
44:01What do you mean, uh-oh?
44:03So without further ado,
44:05please welcome the Solana Benidorm's Mr Entertainment himself.
44:11Woo-hoo!
44:13Oh, Sammy Valentino!
44:15I'll take it from here, sugar tits.
44:17Whee! Woo-hoo!
44:21Woo-woo-woo-woo!
44:23Who loves you?
44:27Sammy loves you!
44:28That's right, Sammy loves...
44:36You.
44:38You can't be here. You're dead.
44:40You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. I killed you.
44:42I killed you.
44:44I killed you once!
44:46And I will kill you again!
44:49Argh!
44:56Should you two do something about this?
44:59What's it got to do with us?
45:01We're just treasure hunters.
45:03We're just treasure hunters.
45:05Gay ones.
45:22What's happening? Sam!
45:24Sam!
45:25Monty?
45:27Oh, God.
45:29Would you mind awfully coming back to the hotel, please?
45:33I think we need to have a little chat.
45:41And we've full of acts from the brilliant to the bizarre, as always.
45:45Who will be this year's golden buzzer performers?
45:47BGT's back this Saturday night at eight.
45:50And that's going to be followed by some greased lightning Saturday at 9.25
45:54and you, the Keith and Paddy Picture Show.
45:59Yeah!