Taskmaster NZ S05E05
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00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woo-hoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Come here.
00:07Come here.
00:08Jiggle-biddle-chee!
00:09Oh!
00:10Yeah!
00:11He-he-he-he!
00:12Nomai Pikimai, welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name's Daryl Garmas, and I'm a professional Jeremy Wells lookalike.
00:43And if you're watching this, Jeremy, cheers for the box of beers and the 20 bucks.
00:49But as far as the rest of you are concerned, for tonight, you can call me the Taskmaster.
00:59On stage tonight are five unlucky New Zealanders who have all made the same tragic misstep
01:04of pursuing a career in comedy.
01:07They are Abbey Howells, Ben Hurley, Haley Sproul, and Tom Sainsbury.
01:17Now, our brilliant fifth competitor, Te Whangafipoli A'i, as you may know, is unable to be with
01:24us in the studio this season.
01:26So filling in for him for the next two eps, it's season three champion Josh Thompson.
01:34And as always, next to me is the cheese to my mince, the tomato sauce to my Cheerio,
01:41it's Paul Williams!
01:49I'm in a bit of a pickle, Jeremy.
01:51What if my bike is like the bus from the movie Speed?
01:54And what if when I drop below 50 miles per hour, my bike blows up and I die?
01:59You've already dropped well below 50 miles per hour, Paul.
02:03Oh, oh, oh, uh-huh, oh.
02:07Great.
02:08Okay, cool.
02:09Good job, thank God.
02:10You can never be too safe.
02:11Tell us about the prize task.
02:13Tonight we've asked our contestants to bring in the best thing that one person on the panel
02:18will really want.
02:20Tom?
02:21Yes?
02:22What have you bought tonight?
02:23Now, this person here, I think they could double as an Elvis impersonator.
02:30But then I thought, you know, this is a little bit of a gamble, so I thought I'd throw in
02:38an extra pair of shades just because I know he'll love these.
02:42Oh, wow.
02:44Can you do an Elvis voice at all?
02:47Uh-huh.
02:48See, see, see, I knew, I knew, I knew.
02:50I can do Elvis as well.
02:52Oh, is it?
02:53Hello, I'm Elvis, baby.
02:56Absolutely brilliant.
02:57What Elvis do you think Ben would be?
03:00Do you think he'd be sort of 1965 Elvis?
03:03I think he could straddle all of Elvis' career.
03:07Well, well said, Tom.
03:08You know what Jeremy was going for there?
03:10He was going for bloated Elvis, wasn't he?
03:13Abby?
03:14Yes?
03:15What did you bring in?
03:16I also brought in something for Ben.
03:17I got you a signed vinyl from the Beastie Boys.
03:21What?
03:22That's from all the Beastie Boys.
03:24All of them, all of them signed it, even the one that died.
03:32I remember there was another prize Abby had and it was a journal she'd made for you, Jeremy.
03:36Thank God that, just that handwriting.
03:38See, yeah, yeah.
03:39Doesn't it?
03:40No, I think whoever wrote that tried to change the way they do the E's.
03:43Right.
03:44Apart from on Love, where it came out again.
03:47Okay, Ben, what did you bring in?
03:50There's this cliche that everyone with autism loves trains and there's someone on this panel
03:55who has autism and I know that she loves trains.
03:58She loves trains.
04:00So I got her a train ticket to Palmerston North because she loves trains so much she
04:11doesn't care what the destination is.
04:13They just always come on time.
04:17So this ticket here is from Wellington.
04:20Oh yeah.
04:21So Abby has to get herself to Wellington.
04:23Well, look, I looked into Auckland to Palmerston North and it was really expensive.
04:28Okay, Hayley, what about you?
04:32I know that my dear friend Ben Hurley would be devastated to know that if you look online
04:42for some erotic fan fiction about him.
04:44Oh, good Lord.
04:45There is very little.
04:46Okay, good.
04:47So as a platonic friend, I struggled through actually writing him one.
05:00It's called Standing Ovation.
05:03The tagline reads, first she came for the laughs, then she came for him.
05:07Now here I was, standing outside a dressing room with the name Ben Hurley written on it
05:13and all I can hear is the sound of my own heartbeat throbbing in my ears and, I'll be
05:17honest, throbbing somewhere else as well.
05:20The doorway has plenty of room but I make sure to brush past him on my way in where
05:24I can't help but notice his wicket is standing strong.
05:29I giggle, Ben, I'm about to knock your bales off, boy.
05:32So it's really, yeah, it's a lot.
05:35Why am I holding a microphone and there's one in the stand?
05:40AI has come so far, but it still has so far to go.
05:45He's also got six fingers, right?
05:47Or five fingers and one thumb.
05:48Oh my God, aye.
05:49She'll be happy with those six fingers, I'll tell you what.
05:53Absolutely.
05:54Okay, Josh.
05:55I haven't brought in any pornography, but I did bring in something very beautiful.
06:02A golden replica of your face, sir.
06:07It's actually the winning trophy from Taskmaster New Zealand Season 3 and you might want to
06:12know how I got that.
06:13I got that by winning.
06:14Right.
06:15I do know that someone on this panel really wants to win tonight and the entire thing.
06:21They've been going about like, ahaha, it's just a bit of a laugh, I don't really care
06:25who wins.
06:26But I wouldn't be surprised if sometime during this week, Hayley Sproul murdered someone
06:30on this panel.
06:32Alright.
06:33Tom, I think you've got one point for your glasses.
06:37Right.
06:38I think two points for Abbey and the Beastie Boys album.
06:41Okay, can I level with you, Jeremy?
06:44That actually wasn't signed by the Beastie Boys.
06:47What?
06:48Well, now that you've said that, actually, I'm going to take a point off you.
06:50You're going to get one point.
06:52Two points now for Tom.
06:55The train ticket for Abbey should be three points.
06:56Sure, I'll take that.
06:57I think four points for the erotic fiction and five points for Te Finga by Josh Thompson.
07:03Ball to head.
07:04Well done.
07:05Well done, my boy.
07:06Thanks, Tom.
07:07Let's dive into another task, shall we?
07:09Great idea, Jeremy.
07:10But brace yourselves.
07:11This task is moving.
07:20Hello.
07:21Hello, Abbey.
07:22Hello, Tom.
07:23Hello.
07:24Hello, Te Finga.
07:25Hey, Paul.
07:26How are you?
07:27Oh, good.
07:28Oh, mate.
07:29We've really got to work on that.
07:30Yeah.
07:31Wow.
07:32Oh.
07:33Hello.
07:34Hi.
07:36Hi.
07:39Move Paul.
07:40Most moved Paul wins.
07:42You have 20 minutes.
07:44Your time starts now.
07:46Emotionally moved or physically moved?
07:48All the information you need is in the task.
07:50Yeah.
07:53OK, who's Paul moving are we going to see first?
07:56I would move mountains for these men.
07:58But can they move me?
07:59It's Ben and Te Finga.
08:01Oh, I know.
08:02You could be a chess piece and then I'd have to move you a lot.
08:06You're a piece that you move a lot.
08:07Like a knight.
08:08Yes.
08:09You can dance for 10 seconds.
08:10Go.
08:11Oh, now?
08:12Yeah.
08:13It's not a dance.
08:14A bit more upper body.
08:15I'm going to make a chess board now.
08:16I need lots of rope.
08:17Oh, there's some rope.
08:18Oh, that's helpful.
08:19That's helpful.
08:20Go down to the bathroom back on the bike.
08:21That's it.
08:22Awesome.
08:23Can you ride the bike?
08:24Oh, yeah.
08:25Oh, yeah.
08:26Oh, yeah.
08:27Oh, yeah.
08:28Oh, yeah.
08:29Oh, yeah.
08:30Oh, yeah.
08:31Oh, yeah.
08:32Oh, yeah.
08:33Oh, yeah.
08:34Oh, yeah.
08:35Can you ride the bike again, but this time singing the National Anthem?
08:38E I O A A T U A
08:43That's crazy, man.
08:45OK.
08:46I've spent three quarters of the time making a rudimentary chess board.
08:50Queen.
08:51Bishop.
08:52Do we need sit-ups?
08:53Sit-ups?
08:54Yep.
08:55No days off, bro.
08:56That's the one.
08:57One.
08:58Two.
08:59That's the one.
09:00OK.
09:01Let's play.
09:02You've got two minutes.
09:04Yep.
09:05I'm going to move my knight.
09:06One, two, three, and cross one.
09:0715 push-ups.
09:08I don't know what that is.
09:09Lower your stomach.
09:10Yeah, that's the one.
09:11Now, put your hands where they were just then.
09:12On your side.
09:13OK.
09:14Now, move back and forth.
09:15That's it.
09:1610 of those.
09:17One.
09:18You've got 20 seconds.
09:19One, two, and three.
09:20Oh, they could take you, but for some reason they can't.
09:21OK.
09:22One, two, three, and cross one.
09:23OK.
09:24Now, put your hands where they were just then.
09:25On your side.
09:26OK.
09:27Now, move back and forth.
09:28That's it.
09:2910 of those.
09:30One.
09:31You've got 20 seconds.
09:32Oh, they could take you, but for some reason they can't.
09:35Nine.
09:36Ten.
09:37One, two, three.
09:38I think that's a check.
09:39He's going to move out of the way.
09:40Josh, I don't think I've ever seen someone move so little while telling someone else
09:58to move so much.
09:59Well, you know, Tuffing is playing the task, and the task is to make a Paul move, not himself
10:04move.
10:05And by sitting still, he's putting more of a contrast in, so if anything, he's doing
10:09it better.
10:10I love the dance.
10:11Could you do a rendition of that dance for us now?
10:12Yeah.
10:13Righty.
10:14Yeah.
10:15Oh, look at that.
10:16That's pretty good.
10:17Look at that.
10:18See, there's movement there.
10:19Look at the hip in that.
10:20Really snapped those hips.
10:21Yeah, there's a little bit of sex in the old dog yet, isn't there?
10:22Look at that.
10:23Who would have thought?
10:24Ben, you did a lot of running around.
10:32I mean, you hardly moved Paul at all.
10:34Oh, I did.
10:35I spent 17 of the 20 minutes making a chess board.
10:38You probably could have spent that time just moving Paul.
10:41Yeah, in retrospect, you have a point.
10:44So in terms of chess moves, he moved me eight times.
10:48That's pathetic.
10:50Now, to all of you at home, please leave the moving to us.
10:54Do stay right where you are.
10:56We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
10:58Ka kite ako a nei.
11:13Ka mai, hoki mai.
11:14Welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:15Where were we, Paul?
11:17Up next, attempting to move a man who has cried for the entire duration of every movie
11:22he's ever seen.
11:24Abby and Tom, move Paul.
11:27I'm going to do you a play.
11:28OK.
11:29It's going to be the most moving play you've ever experienced.
11:31Do you want to come with me?
11:32Where are we going?
11:33To the performance of a lifetime.
11:40I'm going to tell you a story all about a girl, a girl who grew up in the sewers because
11:46her mother died in childbirth and her father was poisoned by his enemies.
11:53Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Theatre de Tomas.
11:57One day at the castle, Tomlet was walking past the bathroom and he heard Muppet struggling.
12:02He peered in through the keyhole.
12:05Into the bathroom?
12:06Yeah.
12:07Hardly appropriate.
12:08One day, a shaft of light came down for the first time, maybe today is the day I'm going
12:16to go out and I'm going to dance in the sun.
12:20Only to see the queen, his stepmother, standing over the king.
12:24I shall be queen.
12:26She is queen.
12:27She is, but queen alone.
12:29OK.
12:30Me and my kin will be the new royals.
12:34They are still the royals.
12:35She is, but she's got kids from a previous marriage.
12:37If I have to explain it to you, you're not going to be moved.
12:40OK, sorry.
12:41Choo, choo, choo, choo.
12:45Whoa, is this is what Earth is like?
12:47Bang!
12:48Oh, no, I've been shot.
12:55Compliance is a problem.
12:58I should never have trusted the world.
13:00So Tomlet packs his things together.
13:03He gets into his carriage.
13:05Oh, no, the carriage runs into the orphanage.
13:09Just children everywhere.
13:11Bye bye.
13:12I guess you're probably wondering who I am.
13:14I'm the little girl and I just wanted to tell you I dance in the sun every single day.
13:21In heaven.
13:22OK, what was the dancing at the end?
13:31I was just moving you to joy.
13:36So Tom, was that dance there at the end?
13:38Was that planned?
13:39Or was that just sort of shared desperation?
13:41It was a little bit of desperation, but I just thought, you know, moved could be positive.
13:45And, you know, I know that my dance moves really lift people's spirits.
13:49And so I thought, why not give that a go as well?
13:51How do you think it went?
13:53I think I failed.
13:56Abby, yours was deeply moving.
13:59It seemed mainly for you.
14:01No, I saw a distinct facial expression on Paul's face.
14:06Yeah, that one.
14:10There seems to be a theme as well.
14:12I don't know, Abby, a lot of people seem to be dying and childbirth particularly.
14:16I feel like this is the third time that's happened.
14:19There's more coming up the pipeline.
14:23You've never been through childbirth, have you?
14:26I've never been through childbirth, no.
14:29No, I mean, I have.
14:30Right.
14:31I was born.
14:31Yeah, you were.
14:34You're a victim of childbirth rather than...
14:36Yeah, yeah.
14:37I was like, oh, I get to be by myself and it's warm and lovely.
14:41No one hassles me.
14:42And then I come out and it's like, nothing but hassle.
14:44Oh, your play doesn't make sense.
14:45Oh, you talk about death all the time.
14:50OK, I want to see one more futile attempt to move you, please, Paul.
14:54Up last, we've got a woman who's got a licence to drive.
14:58It's Hayley.
14:59You have 20 minutes.
15:00Your time starts now.
15:04Do you want to come to my house?
15:05What do you mean?
15:05Do you want to come to my house?
15:07What, are you going to drive me to your house?
15:08Let's go.
15:09Come on.
15:11Get in my car.
15:12Move, Paul.
15:13I'll move you.
15:14I might have to stop at a dairy.
15:16If you could get anything, what would you want?
15:18Maybe an ice cream.
15:19Have we got time wires?
15:21You've got six minutes and 55 seconds.
15:24Hi, babe.
15:25Hi, Andrew.
15:25Hi.
15:26Hi, darling.
15:27We'll just move the washer.
15:29This is my house, Paul.
15:31It's beautiful.
15:33Do you have a favourite room?
15:35It's a double shower.
15:37We're both in here.
15:38Shower would be great.
15:39But look how much room.
15:40Yeah.
15:42Wow.
15:42And look, we could, like, walk around.
15:46Great.
15:48Do you want to go back for the crew?
15:50Because I feel like now that I'm here, I might as well just stay.
15:52We can walk.
15:53OK.
15:54See you, team.
16:01At first, I thought, oh, wow, that's
16:02such a beautiful big shower.
16:03But you need a shower that size when
16:05you're operating a thruple.
16:06Yeah.
16:07Aaron and Andrew, we're very happy together.
16:10Yeah.
16:11So how far did Hayley drive you?
16:13So it was 6.8 kilometres, but I also
16:15did four laps of her giant shower.
16:19Oh, yeah.
16:20So we're going to score this.
16:21I think trying to move Paul emotionally,
16:24that was a tough challenge.
16:26Probably, Tom, you get one point there.
16:29Abby, two for you.
16:30Jeremy, what happened to us?
16:34It's just one of those things.
16:35You've just got to do better.
16:39Three points for Ben, who moved more than Paul,
16:44which seems silly, but still three points.
16:47Four points for Toffinger, and five points for Hayley,
16:52because 6.8 kilometres is quite a long way to move Paul.
16:54That's a long way.
16:56How's the episode school looking, Paul?
16:59In first equal, both on nine points, it's Hayley and Toffinger.
17:02Woo!
17:03Woo!
17:05Right.
17:06Things are starting to get interesting, Paul.
17:09Let's rip right into another task.
17:11Sure thing.
17:12Let's give this one a spin.
17:22Live life to the fullest with this Frisbee.
17:25You have one hour.
17:26Your time starts now.
17:28What?
17:29Start living life to the fullest, please.
17:32Just what?
17:33Was that it?
17:41So what's happening there?
17:43I just thought Ben needed to live life to the fullest.
17:48I was so confused.
17:48I was like, I don't remember this task at all.
17:51This almost killed me.
17:55It was at the end of the day.
17:56It was like half past five at night.
17:59We didn't do this.
18:00Oh, no shits, pal.
18:03I think there's too much joy to consume right now.
18:06So we've actually peppered it throughout the rest of the episode.
18:09Oh, my God.
18:10I'm so dirty.
18:13I can't wait to see you live life to the fullest, Ben.
18:15It's going to be great.
18:16Let's crack on.
18:17Launching the next task in three, two, one, fire.
18:27Hello.
18:28Hello, Abby.
18:29Bonjour.
18:30Bonjour, Hayley.
18:31How are you?
18:32Good, thank you.
18:33It's going to be a tricky one, mate.
18:35What makes you think that?
18:38The egg.
18:39Protect the egg.
18:40The egg will be launched from Paul's catapult in exactly 18 minutes.
18:45Least damaged egg wins.
18:48Your time starts now.
18:52Is this the egg?
18:53Yeah.
18:54That's my little baby?
18:55Correct.
18:57It's definitely fresh.
18:59Can you show me your catapult?
19:01Yes.
19:03Oh, my God.
19:09Lovely.
19:12Okay, this task seems pretty straightforward.
19:14Let's see you catapult some eggs.
19:16Paul, who's first?
19:17It's Ben and Tom.
19:19Can we do a little test to see like with something else?
19:22Just stay back because it's quite full on.
19:25This is dangerous looking.
19:29Oh, I see how this works.
19:31You're very good at this.
19:33Test launch in three, two, one, launch.
19:38About there.
19:39Okay.
19:40Strap stuff around it and then catch it.
19:44What are the ladders for?
19:45I need like a tarp or a sheet.
19:47Okay, I'm going to pack it in wigs.
19:51Brian wig.
19:53Brian May wig.
19:59Oh, shoot.
20:01Here we go.
20:02Okay, I've had a rethink.
20:03Here's the egg.
20:05Got a lot of leftover wigs.
20:07Good luck, egg.
20:08Preparing to launch.
20:09I'm in position.
20:11You're not going to hold the pole?
20:12No, I'm going to raw dog it.
20:14Three, two, one.
20:21Oh, it didn't even move.
20:28Well, it's a terrible catch.
20:32The moment of truth.
20:34Come on, baby, come on, baby, where are you?
20:42Zero damage to the egg.
20:43The egg is uncracked.
20:54It was a good catch.
20:55Thanks.
20:56Why did you need to wear a wig underneath your helmet?
20:58You look psychotic.
21:01I just had a few leftover wigs and just giving it a little bit of extra spice.
21:06Bit of that.
21:07Tom, you seem very impressed that Paul here could operate a catapult.
21:11It's not a skill that you need in everyday life, is it?
21:13I grew up in a really rough slash medieval neighbourhood.
21:18I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that.
21:20So there we go, that's where the skill comes from.
21:22So many sieges.
21:25There is more egg catapulting to come after this egg break.
21:28But first, a quick little check in on Ben Hurley living his life to the fullest with a frisbee.
21:36I'm not very good at frisbee.
21:38Keep living life to the fullest, please.
21:41For an hour?
21:43I'm so enjoying this.
21:54Are you living life to the fullest?
21:55Yeah.
21:59I dropped it.
22:00I'll get it.
22:01Thanks.
22:06Welcome back to Taskmaster.
22:09Please, give us a recap of where we were.
22:11Our contestants are trying to protect an egg that's being launched from a giant catapult.
22:16Alright, who's next with the eggs then, Paul?
22:18You think an egg's going to scare these guys?
22:20These guys eat eggs for breakfast.
22:23It's Hayley and her finger.
22:25The rope or string there then?
22:27I can go get rope if you want.
22:29Okay.
22:30I'm going to put the egg in here.
22:32Okay.
22:33If you touch it, I will murder you.
22:35Okay.
22:36I'm going to grab a few things.
22:38Easy.
22:40Thank you, Paul.
22:45Don't respond well to threats.
22:47You could have done that.
22:49Not at all.
22:50Not at all.
22:53Good luck.
22:55You ready to go?
22:56Ready to go, brother.
23:00That wasn't good.
23:01Have you fired anything else from your catapult?
23:04Just eggs.
23:05Have you tried kids?
23:09Let's go.
23:10What about small dogs, Hayley?
23:12This baby ain't getting smashed.
23:14Okay, are you ready?
23:15Yep.
23:16Three, go egg.
23:17Two, one.
23:25Cool.
23:27Go!
23:30You would have lost the war by now.
23:34What a stink catapult, man.
23:36It only lived like two minutes.
23:38Hayley's egg is unbroken.
23:40The egg is intact.
23:42The egg is intact.
23:44Enjoy your egg.
23:45Thank you, Hayley.
23:46Are you going to poach, fry or scramble?
23:48I go raw.
23:49Like a real man.
23:59Oh, Paul.
24:02Talked to you about eating raw eggs before.
24:04This is not the first time you've done that.
24:06I love eggs.
24:09Tell you what, Tofinga had an interesting idea, didn't he, Josh,
24:11where he was saying, you know, why wouldn't you use this catapult to catapult babies,
24:15small children.
24:16Some kids, small dogs, yeah.
24:17Yeah, small dogs.
24:18I mean, again, I don't, like a poor craftsman blames his tools.
24:21I don't want to have a go at Paul.
24:22But it might be unfair to penalise Tofinga for Paul's lack of back strength.
24:28Can I say a good craftsman congratulates his tools.
24:33Shout out to the catapult.
24:35Yeah, actually, I think you're a marvellous tool.
24:40Hayley, how do you feel knowing that Paul touched your egg?
24:43You said that you were going to murder him.
24:45Yeah, that's the plan.
24:47Obviously I'll wait for the rest of the episodes.
24:50But after that, yeah, you're dead meat.
24:52Alright, so that's four comedians down and four completely unscathed eggs.
24:58We could be on the track for the first ever five points to everybody here on the panel.
25:07Lastly, it's Abby Howells.
25:10Okay, I found some jeans and then I have some nice soft fabric.
25:15Soft, soft, soft.
25:18Do you want scissors?
25:20Yeah.
25:22Okay.
25:37We're ready.
25:39Come on, jeans.
25:40Three, two, one.
25:45Wow.
25:47Sounded soft.
25:48Let's go with the geese.
25:52It was a decoy.
25:56Five seasons of Taskmaster, never been so humiliated.
26:01I think you'll find it's in pristine condition.
26:04What did the task say?
26:08Don't do this.
26:11Paul, no.
26:13This brings me no joy.
26:15Paul, you don't have to do this.
26:19Watch it, please.
26:23No.
26:29Our trust is like the shell of this egg.
26:34Over here and over here.
26:36And broken.
26:37Broken.
26:38Completely shattered.
26:39Broken.
26:42Abby.
26:43Oh, Abby.
26:45Abby, although I thought it was a bit psychotic of you to make her watch as you obliterated the egg.
26:52I was upset.
26:54When I was standing there, I was like, I'm on top of the world right now.
26:57I can't wait to see him.
26:58Look at it.
26:59I've tricked him.
27:00And Jeremy's going to be like, yes, you bamboozled Paul.
27:02Good one, Abby.
27:03Everyone stands up.
27:04Oh, she's funny.
27:05Let me change chairs with you, Abby.
27:06You should be the Taskmaster.
27:09And then we had to go and spoil it all and say something stupid like, let me catapult your egg.
27:14If you'd just put the egg in the thing that you'd made and then flipped it, you would have got...
27:20But where's the showbiz?
27:22Where's the prestige?
27:25So how do you want to score this?
27:27Okay, well, it seems...
27:28Jeremy.
27:29I know.
27:30Look, I'm sorry, but I can only give you one.
27:32I can't give you any more than that.
27:33I mean, you're lucky to get one, to be honest.
27:34I am lucky to get one.
27:35I should probably give you zero.
27:36Judas got 30 pieces of silver.
27:38Judas got 30 pieces of silver.
27:44How many for everyone else?
27:45Well, I think everyone else gets four, other than Ben Hurley, who caught his.
27:51Yes!
27:52I thought that was a great show of skill, so I'll give him five for that.
27:54Okay.
27:56I'll take that.
27:57Alright, Paul, load another task up for us.
28:00New task, new me.
28:09Wow.
28:18Hello, Ben.
28:19Festive.
28:20Happy New Year, Paul.
28:21Happy New Year.
28:22Happy New Year.
28:24Happy birthday.
28:25Happy New Year.
28:26Martin there.
28:27Hi, mate.
28:28How was your year?
28:29Really hard.
28:30Oh, another one.
28:31What can we do?
28:33I need some money.
28:34I really can't help you there.
28:36Alright, here we go.
28:37Ring in the New Year in style.
28:39Your New Year celebration must have a dance.
28:42A kiss, a drink, and a resolution.
28:46You have 45 seconds to ring in the New Year.
28:49Your five-minute countdown to the New Year starts now.
28:53Oh, God, I hate New Years.
28:55It's like my nightmare, just being stuck in this.
29:02Ben, you don't like New Years parties.
29:04I hate New Years Eve.
29:05Why?
29:06It's like, oh, tonight we're staying up to midnight.
29:11You know what I hate?
29:13And everyone looks you in the eye.
29:16Oh, Auld Lang Syne.
29:17Auld Lang Syne.
29:18And they're all like, look at me.
29:19And I'm like, I'd rather perish.
29:21What's this?
29:22You don't know about Auld Lang Syne?
29:23I don't know what this was.
29:25Yeah, I thought that was gangland style.
29:29No, this is actually Hayley in a thrupple.
29:31Hey!
29:37Come on, then, come on.
29:39OK, sorry.
29:41Well, like you, Ben, I love a New Year party.
29:44Show me some New Year ringing inning, please, Paul.
29:47You know them from Taskmaster New Zealand Season 5.
29:50Here's Abby, Ben, Hayley, Taufinga, and Tom.
29:53A drink, OK.
29:54What's this?
29:56We've got a drink here.
29:57It's a party popper.
29:58That's a party popper.
29:59I mean, you could drink that, but it would be small bits of paper.
30:02It's just water, so it's, I guess, not the most festive.
30:05Make it festive.
30:07All right.
30:10A mysterious green liquid.
30:11A mysterious green liquid.
30:13I sort of want you to be, like, a stripper on your table.
30:18Is there some phrase about kissing one of these guys?
30:21Kiss a croc, avoid the dock, is what my mum used to say.
30:25Yeah, still got it.
30:26Why do you know the dance from Cats?
30:28I used to do it every day in my bedroom when I was a little kid,
30:31and I thought one day the bullies will see me doing this
30:34and they'll think I'm cool.
30:35There is a thimble.
30:36That's what a kiss is in Peter Pan.
30:38Ten seconds.
30:39Nine.
30:40Eight.
30:41Seven.
30:42Six.
30:43Five.
30:44Four.
30:45Three.
30:46Two.
30:47One.
30:48Happy New Year!
30:50Happy New Year!
30:52I'm going to do that flossing the kids do, because I'm really good at that.
30:54Woo-hoo!
30:56I don't know what that is.
30:58Here's your kiss.
30:59Happy New Year, Cassandra.
31:01A kiss?
31:02A kiss to everyone.
31:04Oh my God, the stripper's here!
31:06Take it off! Take it off!
31:14Got 20 seconds.
31:15A New Year's resolution.
31:18Kiss, drink, resolution.
31:20I'm done.
31:24Oh my God, you're amazing.
31:26Where are you going, party boy?
31:28Just to get my whistle.
31:33Was that after the whistle?
31:35No.
31:38Uh-oh.
31:39What's this?
31:40Is that another one?
31:41Yeah.
31:42Oh gosh.
31:47Perfect.
31:48Happy New Year!
31:49Complete your New Year's resolution.
31:51Most complete resolution wins.
31:53You have 15 minutes.
31:55Your time starts now.
31:57What?
31:58I forgot about that.
32:01Tom, you made a beeline straight for that mysterious green liquid.
32:04I know, and I haven't been since.
32:07Abby, did you ever get a chance to prove those bullies wrong
32:11by showing off your skills in musical theatre?
32:13I think I just did, Jeremy.
32:16Yeah, where are those bullies now?
32:18They're doctors and lawyers.
32:20This show does rate very well with bullies.
32:23Yeah.
32:24It's literally based on bullying.
32:27Well, Hayley's was basically based on sexual harassment.
32:32It's a tradition not to have a stripper at New Year.
32:36What, you've never hired a stripper for your New Year's party?
32:40It's like a...
32:41You're such a square, Ben.
32:44My New Year's resolution, watch more ads.
32:47More Taskmaster after some ads
32:49and four seconds of Ben Hurley having fun with a frisbee.
32:58APPLAUSE
33:05Are you living life to the fullest?
33:07Yeah.
33:08You sound disappointed.
33:10I don't know why you thought that.
33:12APPLAUSE
33:15Welcome back to Taskmaster.
33:17We're about to learn which New Zealand comedians
33:20can come up with proper New Year's resolutions
33:23and which comedians just do joke ones
33:26and choose to look inwards for fear of what they might find there.
33:30Is that about right, Paul?
33:32That's right.
33:33Our contestants were tasked with making a New Year's resolution
33:36and then completing it within 15 minutes.
33:38First up, Abbey New Year.
33:40This year's Ben Good.
33:42It's Abbey and Ben.
33:44So my resolutions were be kind to myself, party hard, party fresh
33:48and no scrubs.
33:51What does no scrubs mean?
33:52It means no bad boys.
33:54What was your resolution?
33:55Never to do New Year's again.
33:56So have you got any New Year's plans this year?
33:58No.
33:59Good answer.
34:00Nice try.
34:01OK, this is me being kind to myself.
34:03I like your haircut.
34:04You tried something new with the fringe, it didn't work
34:06and you grew it out, and that's fine.
34:08We're going to do anti-New Year.
34:11You're going to suck that back.
34:13Yeah, I've sucked it back.
34:14All right, Paul, it's time to party hard.
34:16Woo-hoo!
34:20And the opposite of dancing?
34:22Standing against the wall, like that song.
34:24I'm just going to lean against Jeremy here.
34:28Now it's time to party fresh in the fresh air.
34:31Do you want to go to a music festival?
34:33No thanks.
34:34Anti-New Year!
34:36Woo-hoo!
34:38Yeah!
34:39Woo!
34:41Welcome to the 1st of January, just like any other day.
34:46You're going to walk backwards.
34:47I don't have to do everything.
34:49Thank you, Ben.
34:50Thanks, Paul.
34:51Happy New Year.
34:52Oh, no.
34:55Hey, baby.
34:57Hey, are you respectful?
34:59No.
35:00Then get out of here, scrub.
35:08Abby.
35:09I think it was nice that you forgave yourself
35:11for that brief foray that you had, obviously, into fringes.
35:14It's always a mistake, OK?
35:16It's always a mistake. Don't do it.
35:18Yeah, but, you know, it's good to party hard and party fresh as well.
35:21Yeah, well, you actually had quite a few resolutions.
35:23I did.
35:24Everyone was like, whoa, how's she going to do this?
35:26Don't worry, baby's got it covered.
35:28Yeah.
35:29Whereas, Ben, how are you going to do nothing, really?
35:32I'm just not going to do New Year.
35:34I don't like organised fun.
35:36What do you call this?
35:38Um, my job.
35:42That's fair.
35:43All right, let's see some more New Year's resolution resolving.
35:46These guys are dynamite.
35:48And what's your resolution?
35:49Continue to spread the love.
35:51My New Year's resolution is to end my relationship with Cassandra the croc.
35:55How else can I share love with you, Paul?
35:58Do you want me to read you a story?
36:00Cassandra, I think you know what I'm going to say.
36:02I know you've probably been feeling it too.
36:05I can't see whatever this is going much further.
36:10It's not you, it's me, and I wish you all the best for you, Cassandra.
36:14It's not you, it's me, and I wish you all the best for you, Cassandra.
36:20That was much harder than I thought it was going to be, Paul.
36:23Once upon a time there was this man.
36:28He had a dog and it was a German shepherd.
36:32He took it for a walk down to the park.
36:36The man said, hey, no dogs allowed.
36:41Why don't you read the sign?
36:45The man said, I can read it, but my dog can't.
36:51After that, they had hot dogs.
36:54The dog was old and it just died.
36:57And then they just cut it up.
36:59That's quite a sad ending.
37:00He was sharing the love.
37:01He shared it with the man that said, no dogs allowed.
37:03Oh.
37:05Because of course the love is expensive.
37:07It's a pet, best friend, and then it becomes a meal.
37:11Share a meal with your new friend.
37:17Tom, that was quite an intense break up with Cassandra,
37:19considering you'd only been together for five minutes.
37:21I know, and it wasn't a clean break either.
37:24Josh, Tofinga's idea of spreading the love
37:28was to write a song about taking a German shepherd down to a park.
37:33You then cut the German shepherd up into bits
37:36and then eat it with the person who was complaining about you
37:38having the dog down at the park in the first place.
37:40Yeah, yeah.
37:41It's kind of the ultimate burn.
37:43I can't bring my dog?
37:44Well, what if I eat it then?
37:48Yeah.
37:49Beautiful.
37:50Now, Paul, we must have one New Year's resolution to go.
37:53She loves marching, but does she love Decembering and Januarying?
37:58It's Hayley.
38:00Make Paul rich.
38:02We can do it in 15 minutes to make you rich.
38:04Why don't we blackmail someone?
38:06Who?
38:07Ursula Carlson. She's got a bit of money.
38:08I've got quite damning photos of her.
38:10What are they?
38:11Photos of her kissing women.
38:12How have you got so many photos of her?
38:14Don't ask.
38:15Ursula Carlson, I have pictures of your feet
38:18and I have pictures of you kissing women that nobody knows about.
38:22How much did you want?
38:23$20.
38:24I will release these to the media unless you transfer to me $20.
38:29You've got...
38:3010 minutes and 16 seconds.
38:3210 minutes and 16 seconds.
38:34Oh, OK. She's replied.
38:36Well, well, well.
38:38Looks like someone needs some vagina pictures too.
38:41You've only got the feet.
38:43I got so much more incoming.
38:46Seems like she kind of wants to be blackmailed.
38:48Yeah, I know.
38:49OK.
38:50She sent me a photo that looks quite rude,
38:53but I can tell that it's actually just her mouth on the side.
38:57Otherwise I'm going to be in quite a lot of trouble.
38:59Yeah, she's not really grasping the blackmail kind of...
39:02You have six minutes, Ursula.
39:04Transfer me $20 or I'll burn your house down.
39:11OK, she's seen a voice.
39:13OK, OK, fine. I'm doing it.
39:15Yes, OK.
39:16And now we wait.
39:19This is nerve-wracking.
39:20You've got one minute.
39:21I've got to dot, dot, dot.
39:2325 seconds.
39:26Hayley Spratt, $20.
39:28She's paid the money.
39:30You were rich.
39:31Got ya, I said.
39:39Why do you have these photos of Ursula kissing me?
39:41I would rather not say.
39:45We're very close.
39:46And so I have sort of throughout the years
39:49quite a number of pictures of Ursula.
39:51How many throuples are you running?
39:54I've got so many on the go.
39:57It's just everywhere.
39:58OK.
39:59I'm thinking Ben Hurley gets one point
40:01because we're not going to know whether or not
40:04your New Year's resolutions come true until this New Year.
40:07That's true.
40:08So one point for you.
40:09I think two points for Toffinga.
40:11Eating the dog was just a bit intense
40:13for a 7.30 TV2 audience.
40:15Yet not doing New Year's is worse than murdering a dog.
40:20Three points for you and Cassandra
40:22because I know that you're going to go back
40:23for sloppy seconds at some stage.
40:26I'm giving four points for Hayley
40:29because that was successful.
40:30And I think five for Abby
40:32because you completed four New Year's resolutions
40:34which is impressive.
40:35Thank you, Jeremy.
40:36We're back, baby.
40:40After the break, we'll do a live task
40:42and find out the winner for this episode.
40:44Don't miss it
40:45or someone will spoil it for you at work tomorrow.
40:47We'll be back in just a moment.
40:51Keep living life to the fullest, please.
40:52Yeah, OK.
40:54Is that fun?
40:55I'm getting a rhythm.
41:09Welcome back to Taskmaster.
41:11Just about to find out who gets to go home
41:13with a porn and train-based prize pack.
41:16But first, may I have a score update, please, Paul?
41:20I have to ask first,
41:21is Ben getting any points for living life to the fullest
41:23with a Frisbee for an hour?
41:25I don't know whether Ben deserves a point for that.
41:28Oh, my God.
41:29Not a single point.
41:30You were having a good time on the bike.
41:32The task was to live life to the fullest.
41:35We're helping you.
41:36I've never seen him angrier.
41:39Can I say, when you're real angry, Ben,
41:41something happens to your skin that just really glows?
41:45Hey, I don't know what moisturiser you're using,
41:47but you look great.
41:48It's called seething.
41:51Mate, look, OK, I'll give you a point.
41:55In some ways, it's worse.
41:58I'll take a point.
41:59OK.
42:02So, the scores for Episode 5.
42:05Out in front with 17 points, Hayley Sproul.
42:12OK, everyone, you all know what to do.
42:15Head on up to the stage for the final task.
42:21Will someone tell me what's going on up there, please?
42:24Abby, will you please read the task?
42:26It would be my honour.
42:28Pinch, protect or plunder.
42:31If you choose to pinch,
42:33you may pinch one point from the person you choose.
42:36If you choose to plunder,
42:38you may plunder all the points of the person you choose.
42:42If you choose to protect, you cannot be plundered,
42:45but you cannot protect from a pinch.
42:48Most points wins.
42:50Let's get it, cowboy.
42:53Round one.
42:54Abby.
42:55I will plunder Tom Sainsbury.
43:00Tom, are you protected?
43:02I'm not. I'm going to Josh Plunder.
43:06Tom has been plundered.
43:08Give us his balls.
43:10Three balls to Abby.
43:12Josh, are you protected?
43:14I am pinching Abby.
43:16Three balls to Tom.
43:19Josh, you are pinching from Abby.
43:21One ball.
43:24Gripping stuff.
43:27Ben Hurley.
43:28Yes, I'm going to plunder Tom, too.
43:32Hayley.
43:33Protect.
43:36USA.
43:39Round two, we're going to start with Ben Hurley.
43:41I am going to protect.
43:44Josh, are you going to protect?
43:46OK, Hayley Sproul.
43:48I would like to plunder Josh.
43:51Josh, reveal your board.
43:53I am pinching from Abby.
43:55You have been plundered.
43:57God damn it.
44:02Tom, reveal your board.
44:03I'm going to plunder Hayley.
44:05It's a good haul.
44:07Abby.
44:08Plunder Ben.
44:11That is the end of round two.
44:17The final round with Hayley.
44:19I am a feminist.
44:21However, I'm plundering Abby.
44:23Plunder Josh.
44:25You're not protected.
44:27You have been plundered by Hayley.
44:29Josh, reveal yours.
44:31I'm going to pinch Abby.
44:33As you were not protected,
44:35yours has been plundered by Abby.
44:39He's just going to pinch at me.
44:41You've got that right, Hayley.
44:43It's been pinched back.
44:46Ben Hurley.
44:47I'm going to pinch Josh.
44:50This ball is getting a lot of mileage this round.
44:54Tom, reveal your board.
44:55I was going to pinch from Abby too,
44:57but alas, there's nothing there, right?
45:02Nothing.
45:04All right, everyone, come on down and we'll score.
45:08All right.
45:12Abby and Josh got zero balls.
45:14Hayley and Tom had four.
45:16Ben won the live task with seven balls.
45:19Great score.
45:21How would you like to score that?
45:23I think it probably makes sense that last place one point.
45:26For Abby and Josh.
45:27Yes.
45:28And then three points for second place.
45:31Hayley and Tom equal to four.
45:33And then first place, Ben Hurley, five points.
45:39All right, so before we announce the winner, Paul,
45:41what's happening with the overall series scores?
45:44With a three-point lead, with 83 points, Hayley Sproul.
45:51And Paul, who has won episode five?
45:54She's our series leader and she's won her first episode.
45:58It's Hayley Sproul.
46:00Congratulations, Hayley.
46:01You're now the proud owner of some things you may or may not want.
46:06Please head up to the stage and enjoy your bounty.
46:30This is going to be quite obscure television.
46:33Delicious!
46:34Come on!
46:37Oh, man.
46:38How's the boy, Kevin?
46:40Aye!
46:41Lord have mercy.
46:43That's what I'm here for.
46:44There's so much to unpack there.