Frasier Season 9 Episode 14 Juvenilia
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00:00Oh, thank you for the coffee, Kenny.
00:04Oh, you don't have to thank me. We're not keeping score.
00:07Life's too short to get worked up over who owes who for this or that or whatnot.
00:14Let's just enjoy ourselves.
00:16Whatever you want, Kenny. The answer is no.
00:18Just hear me out.
00:21Look, I need a favor, but before I tell you what it is, I want you to look at this.
00:28KACL Psychographics.
00:32We hired a firm to sift through the program data and give us a kind of profile on each show's average listener.
00:38All right, let's see.
00:40Gil's average listener is a woman, mid-thirties, well-educated.
00:47What about my average listener? Who is she?
00:52Well, actually, she's an older gentleman.
00:57Who likes to keep the radio on for company.
01:03Ouch.
01:05Oh, and, Ross, it seems a number of listeners think you're a man.
01:09What?
01:11I'm sorry the station spent its money on this nonsense, but this research is patently absurd.
01:17Regardless, you could really stand to increase your audience in the youth market.
01:21Well, I thought we upped the advertising budget for that very reason.
01:25I did, but I need some help.
01:28How would you like to be a guest on Teen Scene?
01:31I'm sorry, Kenny, I've done that show before. I'm not doing it again.
01:34Doc, you could use younger listeners. You've seen the research.
01:39My show is fine.
01:41That so-called research is nothing but a bunch of confounded correlations and mediocre deductions.
01:47Excuse me, are you Dr. Frazier Crane?
01:50Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
01:52Can I get your autograph?
01:54What's your name?
01:55Lucy, but make it out to Paul.
01:58I volunteered as hospice, and I think you're just about the only friend he has left anymore.
02:07Fine. I'll meet the kids.
02:16I have a little something for you.
02:19Oh.
02:23Earrings. They're beautiful.
02:26Try them on. I have disinfected them with peroxide.
02:32Miles, it's a lovely thought, but, well, you kind of gave me the exact same pair last summer.
02:38No, I did not.
02:40Yeah, take a look.
02:44Oh, I am so sorry.
02:47Oh, don't be silly.
02:49It was bound to happen sometime, after all the nice presents you give me.
02:53I'll just have to get pierced somewhere else.
02:55Still, I...
03:06Well, well, look who's up.
03:09How was your company party, Mr. Crane?
03:11Fine.
03:13Sounds like it was more than just fine if you're getting up this late.
03:17Yeah, he came in late, too.
03:19Didn't know there was a curfew.
03:22Oh, my God. Is that lipstick on your chin?
03:26It is!
03:28I got kissed, okay? Big whoop.
03:33There's no lipstick on my chin.
03:35Busted!
03:39Well, so, what's her name?
03:42Yeah, when can we meet her?
03:43Her name's Peg, and nobody's meeting anyone.
03:47It's just a little fooling around, that's all.
03:50Well, are you gonna see her again?
03:52No, and if she calls, I'm not here. Got it?
03:55I don't want to encourage her.
03:57Well, why not? It sounds like you had fun.
03:59See, this is exactly the conversation I'm trying to avoid with Peg.
04:04You kiss a girl, and suddenly she wants to know, what does it mean?
04:08When can I see you again?
04:11Why don't you call me?
04:14That's a wonderful attitude.
04:16Hey, it was great, and I loved it, but I don't want to ruin it by making it more than it was.
04:21Women never let you have a bite of ham.
04:24They always make you sit down for spinach.
04:34Whoa, this is embarrassing, huh?
04:38All three of us going to the same place when we're skipping out on work?
04:45We are not skipping out on work.
04:47Right, we're all at the doctor's.
04:52Kirby, we don't work the same hours that you do.
04:56We're done for the day.
04:58Oh, yeah, that's good.
05:00It's better if we don't all use the same excuse.
05:04Kirby, I think it's time for you to straighten up.
05:07You show up late every day, you are inattentive, and you have a bad attitude.
05:12How do you expect to thrive in this job, or any other job?
05:15I am this close to giving you a lecture.
05:21Hey, guys. Doc, you got a minute?
05:24There's someone I want you to meet.
05:26Oh, dude, that's Emily Crother.
05:29One of the nimrods from teen C.
05:33You're not going to do that show, are you?
05:35These guys go to my old high school. A bunch of losers.
05:41For your information, Kirby, hey, I thought you were at the doctor.
05:45I was.
05:47He says everything is fine.
05:50He also said I probably shouldn't come in tomorrow till about 11.30.
05:56How dumb do you think I am?
05:58You'll show up first thing tomorrow morning, after your Meals on Wheels delivery.
06:05You got it.
06:09Listen, Kenny, I'm actually just on my way out.
06:12Perhaps I could meet this young lady tomorrow at the station?
06:14Oh, come on. Say hi to the kid. She's a big fan.
06:18Really?
06:20Oh, gosh, I would hate to appear standoffish.
06:24After all, the young lady has built up a certain image of me in her mind,
06:28and that shouldn't be crushed, certainly.
06:31Do we have to go through this every time?
06:37Go over there.
06:43Emily Crother, Dr. Fraser Crane.
06:46Hello, Emily.
06:47Pleased to meet you, Dr. Crane.
06:49I look forward to having you on our show.
06:51Well, technically, I haven't agreed to do it yet.
06:54You see, I had a rather bad experience on Teen Scene the last time.
06:58Are you familiar with the new Teen Scene?
07:00Well, um...
07:02No, actually, I'm not.
07:03But then you don't know that we do hard-hitting journalism with a youthful bent.
07:07Of course, it's not nearly as distinguished as your show, which I adore.
07:12Really?
07:13Big fan.
07:17Dr. Crane, may I be frank?
07:19Having you on our show would be, in your own words, a great boon to us.
07:26A boon?
07:30Do you really think so?
07:31Oh, major boon.
07:36Well, then, consider it granted.
07:39I'm sure we'll have a splendid time.
07:41Who knows? I may even learn something from you.
07:43Oh, you flatter me, Dr. Crane.
07:45Hello, Fraser.
07:46Ah, nice.
07:47Who's manning the Pasquini?
07:48Jimmy Ray!
07:49Capital.
07:53A cappuccino, please.
07:56Hello, Roz.
07:57Hey, Niles.
07:59What are you doing here?
08:01Shouldn't you be out buying Daphne another pair of earrings?
08:04Oh, please, don't make me feel any worse.
08:08Actually, I thought it was sweet.
08:10Oh, I feel just awful.
08:12You want to know what I would do?
08:15Oh, what the hell.
08:19First of all, enough with the earrings.
08:24Everything doesn't have to be so fancy.
08:26Don't get me wrong.
08:28Jewelry is terrific.
08:30But, sometimes, a woman likes to know that you're paying attention.
08:37Mix it up a little.
08:39Do something crazy.
08:41I mean, totally out there.
08:43Are you talking about scarves?
08:49Okay, let me give you an example.
08:51When I was 20, my boyfriend stole a Doyle's Pub sign for me.
08:58We were drunk, and we saw it, and he said,
09:00Hey, that's your name on that sign.
09:02You should have it.
09:03It was spontaneous.
09:05And a little dangerous.
09:07And very romantic.
09:12Spontaneous and dangerous.
09:16Spontaneous and dangerous.
09:21Thanks, Roz.
09:24You've given me something to mull over during my herbal wrap.
09:34Oh, good.
09:36I thought you were going to miss Dr. Crane on the radio.
09:39How many times a day is that guy on?
09:43It's not his show. It's teen scene.
09:46Oh, I don't have time for that teenage crap.
09:53Did I get a call from a girl today?
09:58You mean Peg?
10:00Or any girl.
10:02Or Peg.
10:05Did Peg call?
10:09No.
10:11It's one of these, hasn't it?
10:13I really thought she'd try to spring that relationship stuff on me.
10:18Well, I guess I misjudged her.
10:21Unless she didn't like her free sample.
10:26I think we can rule that out.
10:30When a lady gets the full Marty Crane treatment, she doesn't forget it.
10:35And Peg got the full Marty?
10:37I never give anything less.
10:41So, yeah, I guess I'm a little surprised she hasn't called.
10:44I mean, mostly relieved, of course, but also surprised.
10:50Well, don't feel bad. Maybe you had an off night.
10:54Anything's possible, I suppose.
10:57Come on, come on.
11:10Hello?
11:12Well, yes, he is. One moment, please.
11:22Hola.
11:28Uh-huh.
11:30Oh, I think that'd be fine.
11:33Thursday at nine?
11:35See you then.
11:37Well, look who's suddenly in a relationship.
11:41Shows you what you know. That was the demest.
11:46Thank goodness, Ryan.
11:48Right.
11:58I agree with you, sir.
12:00The difference between valedictorian and salutatorian is largely arbitrary.
12:05Thank you, Emily.
12:08Didn't mean to go on like that, but...
12:11the wound is still raw.
12:15Hello, Kirby.
12:17Hello, Emily.
12:19How's honors everything?
12:22Splendid, thank you.
12:24How's carrying a bunch of boxes around a radio station?
12:28Good.
12:31You know, Emily, I was thinking that perhaps after the show,
12:34I could invite you and your friends to a cheeseburger or some such.
12:38Oh, we'd like that very much.
12:40Can I get you a coffee?
12:42Oh, yes. Thank you, Emily.
12:44You know, I asked for one a little while ago, and it never showed up.
12:48Now who's carrying a bunch of stuff around a radio station?
12:56Hi, Dr. Crane.
12:58Andy McNiff.
13:00I'm the moderator.
13:02I'm really glad you could make it.
13:04Yes, well...
13:07Likewise, I look forward to some intergenerational bi-play.
13:11Uh...
13:13Likewise, I look forward to some intergenerational bi-play.
13:17Uh...
13:18By the way, Andy,
13:20are you going to be smoking all night?
13:24Yeah.
13:28Look,
13:30no matter what happens, I'm on your side.
13:37What does that mean exactly?
13:39Well, uh...
13:41Hi, guys. Your guest has arrived.
13:44Here's your coffee, Dr. Crane.
13:46These are my colleagues, Ryan and Trent.
13:49Pleased to meet you, sir. We're very excited.
13:51Likewise.
13:52Well, Ryan...
13:53Ten seconds, guys.
13:54Oh, right.
13:55You know, you may be surprised to learn
13:57that it was not so very many years ago
13:59when I myself occupied those tough years,
14:02Twix 12 and 20.
14:06Hi, and welcome to Teen Scene,
14:08Seattle's premier talk show for young people.
14:10I'm Andy McNiff, and for the next 60 minutes,
14:13we'll be engaged in some straight talk
14:15with our special guest.
14:16And here to get things rolling
14:18is our Teen Scene panel,
14:20Trent, Ryan, and Emily.
14:22Trent.
14:23Tonight, we're talking to Dr. Frazier Crane,
14:25a man who knows what makes us tick.
14:28But what do we know about him?
14:30Dr. Crane,
14:31you're a popular psychiatrist and radio personality.
14:35What would you say is the secret of your success?
14:39I suppose it has something to do
14:41with the fact that I am a good listener
14:45and have a friendly voice,
14:47and I also try to pass along
14:49some real psychological insight and advice.
14:52My research shows that your replies
14:54are typically less than five minutes long.
14:57Doesn't seem like a lot of time
14:59for substantive psychological advice.
15:01Yes, well, if I believe there's a real problem,
15:03then I usually refer the call to...
15:05So if it's a real problem, you pass the buck.
15:09Excuse me?
15:13February 9th, 1993.
15:15Does that date mean anything to you?
15:17Should it?
15:18According to the Boston Globe,
15:19you spent two hours in a ledge
15:21threatening to jump if your wife left you.
15:23How many of your listeners are aware
15:25that they're taking advice from a man
15:27who was nearly a stain on the sidewalk?
15:33Andy, isn't it about time for a commercial break?
15:37Actually, this show is a public service,
15:39therefore commercial free.
15:44Splendid!
16:08Hmm.
16:15Huh?
16:37Huh?
16:46Huh?
16:58Hi.
17:00This is Bill.
17:02Hi.
17:07Hi.
17:09Hi.
17:39Huh?
17:50Hi, Pam.
17:52Geez, I didn't know you were working the graveyard tonight.
17:55All this month.
17:57What brings you here?
17:58Well, actually, I was in the neighborhood
18:00and I wanted to make sure they'd fix that elevator camera.
18:03But, see, I thought Rich was on tonight,
18:06which explains why I didn't know you'd be here.
18:11Right.
18:13Well, it's fixed.
18:14Well, that's good.
18:19Somebody broke it.
18:25Okay, then.
18:27See you later.
18:28See ya.
18:31Hey, how come I never heard from you?
18:34Oh, geez.
18:36Well, I was under the impression we had some chemistry going.
18:39I think I deserved at least a phone call.
18:42Hey, we made out a little.
18:44Let's not ruin it by making it more than it was.
18:48Just what I was thinking.
18:50Good.
18:52Then it won't be awkward or anything
18:54if we pull the same shift, right?
18:56What are you talking about?
18:58What are you talking about?
18:59Don't worry about me.
19:00Watch yourself.
19:02Okay.
19:04No worries.
19:07So, I'll see you around, then.
19:09Yeah.
19:10See ya.
19:12Hey, you going to Jerry's retirement party?
19:15I might drop in for a pop or two.
19:17Yeah, same.
19:19Maybe I'll see you there.
19:20Yeah.
19:22Maybe you will.
19:29Again, I freely admit
19:32that I assisted my ex-wife
19:34in psychological experiments on lab animals.
19:39However, at that time,
19:42putting a pair of sunglasses on a monkey
19:45did not constitute cruelty.
19:49We'll just agree to disagree.
19:51You know, I scarcely see how this line of questioning
19:54about my personal life can benefit your listeners.
19:57Well, Dr. Crane,
19:58every day you ask your listeners to blindly trust you.
20:02Isn't the public entitled to know a little more
20:04about that friendly voice
20:06that seems to have all the answers?
20:11Oh.
20:14I understand.
20:17This isn't about me at all.
20:19You see, your combative line of questioning
20:22is completely age-appropriate.
20:24The challenging of authority,
20:26the zeal for truth.
20:28Speaking of truth,
20:29I have a few questions about your last tax return.
20:35I hate to interrupt, panel,
20:37but it's time for a regular news break.
20:39We'll be back with more teen-scene fun after this.
20:45Dr. Crane, can I borrow you for a second?
20:50You're doing great.
20:56Dude, you're in trouble here.
20:59Thanks for the update.
21:01Take it easy, Mr. Snappy.
21:04I'm here to help you.
21:06Can you believe that Kirby guy works here?
21:09I can't believe they finally graduated him.
21:11Now, remember, guys, you're still Goodwill ambassadors.
21:14We weren't talking to you.
21:17Okay.
21:22Everything okay, Dr. Crane?
21:25Absolutely.
21:27I didn't fully appreciate
21:29the hard-hitting nature of your journalism,
21:31but I think I know how to handle it now.
21:34We're back with more teen-scene
21:36and our special guest, Dr. Frasier Crane.
21:39Now, Dr. Crane, where were we?
21:42I believe we were discussing my competence
21:44as a mental health professional.
21:47And though it is true
21:49that I have suffered
21:52several emotional setbacks in my life,
21:55if we are to be honest,
21:57haven't we all?
21:59And that's your defense?
22:01That we all have problems?
22:06Perhaps I can better illustrate my point
22:09by reading from a poem
22:12entitled
22:14An Onion for Trisha.
22:17Where did you get that?
22:19My heart is like an onion
22:23filled with layers of tears.
22:26Why, oh, why
22:28did you leave me, Trisha?
22:31Okay, give me that.
22:32Trisha Sharp?
22:33You said you never liked her.
22:35Ooh, Trent Tuffblow.
22:41Yes, it seems that
22:43youthful relationships are fraught
22:46with emotional hazards.
22:49Especially in the case of a young woman
22:53who finds her first love
22:55at math camp.
22:59What happened at math camp?
23:01I don't want to talk about it.
23:02Uh, Dr. Crane.
23:03Yes, Ryan.
23:05Or as the boys on the swim team call you.
23:09So, do you have any good advice
23:11for kids that want to go to college?
23:14As a matter of fact, I believe I do.
23:21In short, caller,
23:23there is nothing wrong with you.
23:26And you're not going to get sick.
23:29But remember,
23:31the more frequently you do it,
23:34the less special it becomes.
23:38I hope that answers your question.
23:41Uh, yeah.
23:43Well, uh, thanks a lot.
23:45Well, that about wraps it up
23:47for tonight's teen scene.
23:50For Trent, Ryan, and Emily,
23:52this is Andy McNiff
23:54reminding you we're still taking applications
23:57for the moderator's job.
24:00And wishing you a teen-tastic week.
24:04And wishing you a teen-tastic week.
24:07Good night.
24:09Thanks, kids. I had fun.
24:11Yeah, thanks.
24:17You made my month.
24:23Way to go, Dr. Crane.
24:25That was sweet.
24:27I'm not exactly proud of myself, Kirby.
24:30Oh, you should be, man.
24:31Those dinks brought it on themselves.
24:33They were like,
24:34we're going to get this old dude,
24:36and then you were like,
24:37old dude? Say what?
24:39And they were like,
24:40wait, wait, it's back there, boom, boom.
24:44Well said, Kirby.
24:48And thank you for helping me out.
24:50By the way,
24:52how did you dig up all that stuff?
24:55Uh, let's just say I got a few operatives
24:59who were, uh, held back.
25:02Hey, you know,
25:04why don't you and I continue this conversation
25:07over a cheeseburger or some such?
25:12I'd like that very much.
25:21Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:23Toss salads and scrambled eggs
25:27Mercy
25:29And maybe I seem a bit confused
25:32Well, maybe
25:33But I got you pegged
25:38But I don't know what to do
25:40With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:45They're calling again
25:48Goodnight!