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Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:10♪
00:20No. No. No.
00:45Oh, for crying out loud, Michael, go back to the desk and ask them which car it is.
00:49I don't have to go back. One of these numbers is definitely a six.
00:52All the number plates have got six in them.
00:54No, they haven't.
01:02Do you think this little light should be coming on when I press it?
01:05Oh, come on. We're wasting time. We've been here too long.
01:09Hey, calm down, you. Where do you think you are? The crystal maze?
01:12Push that trolley for your mother. She's getting her sweat on.
01:14You push the trolley.
01:15I'm doing this.
01:17Just give him the key and I'll go back.
01:19Give him the key?
01:20There's no point giving him the key because you can't read all the numbers on it.
01:23I know you can't read all the numbers, but they might know which one it is.
01:27No.
01:28And while he's there, he can pick up the contract that you left on the desk.
01:31I never left it on the desk. She didn't give it me in the first place.
01:34She did give it you and you put it on the desk.
01:36Well, if you saw me put it on the desk, why didn't you pick it up?
01:39Just give him the key.
01:43We weren't even in the right bloody row.
01:46Chill out, we're on holiday.
02:17Yes!
02:19What are you doing?
02:23Well done. Come on. Yes.
02:30Choking mainly.
02:33Yes, yes.
02:37It's a bit like watching one of them rats that can't get out of a maze but keeps trying.
02:43A very nice thing to say. Rats are intelligent.
02:49It's a bit like that film, isn't it?
02:51What? When Harry met Sally?
02:53No, Forrest Gump.
02:55Sorry!
02:57Excuse me.
02:59Can I have my ball back?
03:03Can you pass me my ball, please?
03:05We haven't got your ball.
03:07I wasn't really talking to you.
03:09You what?
03:10Excuse me! Excuse me!
03:13Nah, Forrest wants a word.
03:16Hiya. I was wondering if you could pass me my ball, please.
03:20I can't hear you!
03:22I'll get out!
03:23Huh?
03:26Run, Forrest, run!
03:41Hiya.
03:43I couldn't hear what you were saying.
03:45I was just wondering if you could pass me my beach ball.
03:48Oh, I see.
03:50But it's all right. I've got it now.
03:52Have you?
03:53Yeah, it's here.
03:55Oh, yeah.
03:56I'm Liam.
03:57Hello, Liam. I'm Natalie.
04:00Oh, that's a beautiful name.
04:03This is Sam.
04:05Oh, we used to have a dog called Sam.
04:08Oh, we used to have a dog called Sam.
04:10My mum got rid of it because it used to chew its bum.
04:14You here on your own, Liam?
04:16No.
04:17It'd be a bit sad if I was here on my own and with my dad.
04:20Well, you do surprise me.
04:22He's over here working.
04:23Got me a cheap holiday.
04:25Thought I'd catch a few rays,
04:27get a nice hand to show off to the lads back home.
04:30Did ask if some of them wanted to come,
04:32but they all seemed to be a bit busy.
04:35Funny, that, isn't it?
04:36Well, I say all of them.
04:37My cousin Kendall wanted to come,
04:39but he's a bit skint at the moment cos he's paying off a moped,
04:42what he bought on the internet by mistake.
04:44Plus, he's been having a lot of asthma attacks recently.
04:47Liam, Liam, Liam!
04:49Shh!
04:51Well, I'll see yous around.
04:53Yeah, look after your ball.
04:56See you.
05:02What?
05:03He's...cute in a...
05:06funny sort of way.
05:08Lord have mercy.
05:18Mm, that's the trouble with buffets, they're very Moorish, aren't they?
05:21This is an absolute outrage.
05:23Oh, there must be something you can eat.
05:25Have a slice of toast, no butter.
05:27I can't have toast, it's a carbohydrate.
05:29You had toast at work the other morning.
05:31Yes, hello, that was wholemeal bread.
05:33It's still carbohydrate, isn't it?
05:36Low-fat options for all meals,
05:38plus fresh fruit available throughout the day.
05:40Look, it's there in black and white.
05:42Do you know, you can buy a pack of eight sausages now for 16p.
05:45That's 2p each.
05:47Makes you wonder what's in them, doesn't it?
05:50Excuse me, you don't seem to have any brown bread.
05:54Yeah, no.
05:55Well, why not?
05:56Cos nobody eats it.
05:57Well, how can they eat it if you don't have any?
05:59I can't argue with that.
06:00Excuse me, excuse me!
06:03Yeah?
06:04Where is the fruit?
06:05Fruit?
06:06Yes, eccentric, colourful food.
06:08It grows on trees.
06:09We don't give you pudding at breakfast.
06:12I'm not being funny,
06:13but if there's not enough on that table to feed you in the morning,
06:16you must have worms.
06:17It says fresh fruit at all times!
06:20There you go, got you a yoghurt.
06:24Toffee and banana.
06:26Perfect.
06:27Just eat the banana bit.
06:30Oh, I don't know where it is.
07:01Hello, England Revenue!
07:04Hello!
07:05She'll be outside.
07:19Look at this.
07:21Whoa, this is great.
07:23I've never seen anything like it.
07:26Look at this.
07:28Whoa, this is cool.
07:30Bloody hell!
07:31This is Costa Boba too.
07:33Right, I'm going in the pool. You coming in, Dad?
07:35Yeah, in a minute.
07:37Hey, look at that!
07:39What's me mam doing with a gold disc?
07:41Maybe it was one of Mel's.
07:43Well, it won't be for his rendition of Lonely Girl,
07:45I can tell you that.
07:46Oh, no, it's...
07:48Can I help you?
07:51I said, can I help you?
07:54Can I help you?
07:57You're Scylla Black.
07:59I know.
08:00How did you get in?
08:02It's Scylla Black.
08:04I know.
08:06Consuela!
08:24Consuela!
08:27Erm, where's Madge?
08:29Who's Madge?
08:31Madge Harvey!
08:32It's Scylla Black.
08:36Who let these people in?
08:47Oh, I know what it is.
08:49Surprise, surprise!
08:51Oh, bloody hell, of course!
08:53Surprise, surprise!
08:55The unexpected slaps you between the thighs!
08:59You've done her house up for surprise, surprise, haven't you?
09:02Oh, you've done a lovely job.
09:04Hey, let's hope your mother hasn't got any long-lost relatives in Australia.
09:07We'll never get her looking in that pool.
09:09You coming in, Dad? It's beautiful.
09:14Hiya.
09:15Look, if all you people have not left my house
09:19within the next 30 seconds,
09:21I'll call the police.
09:23Consuela!
09:25Your house?
09:26Oh, my God.
09:28She's moved and forgot to tell us.
09:30Is everything OK?
09:32Mick! Janice!
09:35What are you doing here?
09:36Do you know these people, Donald?
09:39Yes, Janice's mother and her husband, Mel and Madge Harvey,
09:42were the previous owners of this house.
09:44We called by on Madge, too, to see how she was coping on her own.
09:48And ended up staying for a cocktail.
09:52Are you coming back?
09:54I can't hold this position much longer.
10:02We'd best be off.
10:04Michael, get out of that pool.
10:06We're really sorry to have bothered you.
10:10Come on!
10:13It's not your Nana's episode.
10:18Oh!
10:21Oh, sorry, Jacqueline. Here, let me help you with that.
10:25Yes, that fits nicely.
10:27Very kind of you.
10:29Well, you're very welcome.
10:31All that stuff was in the wardrobe back there when I got here,
10:34so help yourself.
10:36Oh, lovely.
10:38Look, I'm just about to go for a jacuzzi outside.
10:43Now, I don't know what your plans are,
10:45but you're very welcome to join me.
10:47I'm afraid we haven't got anything appropriate to wear.
10:50Oh, not a problem.
10:52I don't usually bother with a swimsuit myself.
10:55And you both seem very broad-minded.
10:59Absolutely.
11:01Oh! Yes!
11:04Consuela!
11:17Where do you think she's gone?
11:19I don't know.
11:20I think there's maybe just been a bit of a mix-up, haven't there?
11:23Well, if my Nana's moved out of her house,
11:26she's not answering her mobile and she's not here.
11:29That's quite a big mix-up, isn't it?
11:32Yeah, I suppose it is.
11:44Well?
11:46Madge sold the Benidorm Palace three months ago.
11:49Three months ago? She can't have done. She'd have told us.
11:52This is the right mix-up.
11:56Well, where do we go from here?
12:03Come on, you can do us a better rate than that.
12:05We've stayed here before. We're regulars.
12:07Oh, for God's sake, just pay it.
12:10I need a shower right now. I smell like meat and potato pie.
12:13Where the flame in hell has she gone? She can't just disappear.
12:17I don't suppose you remember my mother, do you?
12:19We've stayed here a few times all together.
12:22No.
12:23Little woman, very tanned, about 70, chain smoker,
12:26rides one of them mobility scooters.
12:28You have just described 90% of the people in Benidorm.
12:31Her and my grandad bought the Benidorm Palace.
12:33Ah, then you're a Harvey.
12:35The wedding on the beach.
12:37Yeah, that's the one, Harvey, yeah.
12:39You don't know what happened to her, do you? Of course.
12:41Thank God for that.
12:42They bought the Benidorm Palace.
12:45We know that.
12:46Very sad about Angel Harvey.
12:48Do you know he died?
12:51Yeah, we know that as well.
12:53Apparently my mother sold the Benidorm Palace a few months ago.
12:56Do you know where she is now?
12:58Erm...
13:03No.
13:05Janie, do you know what happened to the little lady in the wheelchair?
13:08She and her husband, they bought the palace.
13:10Yeah, she sold it a few months ago.
13:12Yes, they know that.
13:13Her husband passed away.
13:14Yeah, we know all this.
13:16We just want to try and find out if you know where she is now.
13:20Erm...
13:23No.
13:24Right, come on, let's freshen up.
13:27Oh, hang on.
13:29Have you tried the Al Cisney?
13:31The what?
13:32Secondhand market.
13:33She had a stall there a couple of weeks ago.
13:35You could always try there.
13:41Oh!
13:43Oh!
13:45Oh.
13:47Oh, I think I've had too much breakfast, I can't move.
13:51Oh.
13:52I think it was that fried bread that did it.
13:55Isn't it funny?
13:57You feel like a bit of a pig when you make fried bread at home.
14:00But on holiday, you just shovel it in, don't you?
14:02Yes, you did.
14:03Mind you, I say I'm full, but I could always eat something sweet.
14:06You know, after a big meal.
14:08Oh, yeah.
14:09Seriously.
14:10I could be fit to bust.
14:12Doesn't matter if I can feel the food sitting in my neck.
14:14If someone says to me,
14:15do you want to go halves on a pineapple fritter, I'm there.
14:23Is that Troy?
14:24Yes.
14:26Oh.
14:28Isn't it funny how history repeats itself?
14:31He finds out his son wants to get in touch with him.
14:34And Troy's dad gets in touch with him.
14:37Oh.
14:38Talking of things repeating, I'm regretting that third sausage.
14:42Oh.
14:45Everything all right?
14:46Yes, apparently his condition is stable now.
14:49Troy says he's going to stay a couple more days
14:51and if he's improved further, he'll get a flight here.
14:54Will you just let me know when you want to get rid of me?
14:57Nothing worse than someone outstaying their welcome.
15:02Oh.
15:03Oh.
15:06Oh, that's better.
15:08Fancy a lolly?
15:12Yeah.
15:32Oh, come on, let's go. She's not here.
15:34Why would she have a stall here?
15:36Why didn't she tell us about the Benidorm Palace?
15:38Mick, something's happened to her, I know it, that's it.
15:41Hey, come on, don't upset yourself.
15:43You know what your mother's like.
15:45It's my fault.
15:46I shouldn't have let her stay out here on her own after Mel died.
15:49Mum, Dad, come look at this.
15:58Oh, my God.
15:59It's different, younger.
16:00Why could she settle this?
16:04Bring him.
16:05Give us a ear.
16:34PHONE RINGS
16:38I've told you, I'll have the money by the end of the month.
16:42What money?
16:43Mother, are you all right?
16:45Who is this?
16:46Who do you think it is?
16:48It's Janice.
16:49What's going on?
16:50Why didn't you tell us you had another phone?
16:52Where are you?
16:54Oh, er...
16:56Just at the villa, you know.
16:58Day after day.
16:59Palace is very quiet.
17:01Just having a soak in the jacuzzi.
17:03Mum, we're in Spain.
17:05Whereabouts in Spain?
17:07Where do you think we are? We're in Benidorm.
17:10You're in Benidorm?
17:12What, now?
17:14It was meant to be a surprise, but obviously it hasn't worked out.
17:18We've been to the villa, we know you've moved.
17:21We've been to the Benidorm Palace, we know you've sold it.
17:24Mother, are you all right?
17:26Where are you?
17:27Where are you?
17:29We've hired a car. Just tell us where you are.
17:32No. No, don't come here.
17:34Go back to the salona.
17:36I'll see you there in half an hour.
17:42What has she said?
17:43She's meeting us at the salona in half an hour.
17:46Excuse me, love, how much is the scooter?
17:49It's not for sale.
17:52So, if my nana is all right,
17:55does that mean you don't get the insurance money?
18:02It was a joke.
18:08There you go, love.
18:10Right, Mateo, I'll be back in ten minutes.
18:13Where are you going? We're too busy for one person.
18:15Funny you should say that. That's what I'm going to get, Les.
18:18Who is Les?
18:19New barman.
18:20No.
18:21No.
18:22Do not give the job to that little old guy with no hair, please.
18:25You said the best one was the young girl.
18:27No, I think you'll find it was you who said that.
18:30I know it seems strange,
18:31but I thought I'd go for the more experienced barman,
18:34with references,
18:35as opposed to a dizzy 17-year-old girl who can't add up.
18:38Oh, here he is.
18:40Why did she need to wear that? The drinks are free.
18:42Morning, Jenny.
18:43Oh, thanks for letting us come in a bit early.
18:45I just thought it would be good to hit the ground running, so to speak.
18:49You must be Potatoer.
18:51Jenny, please, you don't understand.
18:53I can't work with this guy. He's no good for my image.
18:56No good for your image? Who do you think you are, a boner?
18:59Shall I get started now?
19:00No. Jenny, you can work inside, please.
19:03Come on, this is my bar.
19:06Do you have any thoughts about my idea, you know,
19:08of waiter service to people on the sunbeds
19:10during the quieter parts of the day?
19:12What?
19:13We can talk about it later. Here you go.
19:15You've told Potatoer about Lesley, haven't you?
19:17My name is Mateo.
19:19Oh, yeah?
19:21Les is a transvestite.
19:23I said he can come to work dressed as Lesley any time he wants.
19:26Ha-ha-ha-ha. Very funny.
19:31Jenny, please tell me this is a joke.
19:33It's no joke. We're an equal opportunities employer.
19:36How do you think you got the job?
19:38Right, sorry to keep you waiting. What can I get you?
19:48What time is it? She said she'd be half an hour.
19:51Maybe I should wait in reception.
19:53She'll be here soon. Don't panic.
19:55I knew it was a bad idea, her staying on out here.
19:58God knows what's happened to her.
20:00Calm down.
20:01She obviously decided running the Benidorm Palace was too much for her,
20:04which is hardly surprising for someone whose idea of hard work
20:07is having to light her own fags.
20:09Hello again.
20:10Hola.
20:11Hmm. Have you two come up for air?
20:13Is this sunbed free?
20:15No, no, it's ours.
20:17Oh, you managed to track Madge down, did you?
20:20Donald thought it was a bit strange he didn't know she'd moved.
20:24But I said to him,
20:26when I was 12, I went back to the wrong school by accident.
20:31You know, after the summer break.
20:34Yeah, I ended up staying there, actually.
20:37The dinners were much nicer.
20:41Yeah, it's all sorted. It was just a misunderstanding.
20:44Oh, that's good.
20:45We were speaking to Duckface Dennis and the Unisex hairdressers.
20:49He said that when Mel died, Madge was left with a huge amount of debt,
20:53didn't have a penny to her name,
20:55and was living on benefits in a two-berth caravan.
20:58But I told him, that doesn't sound like the Madge Harvey we know.
21:03John.
21:16Oh, my God! He said some of these people were rough.
21:19I didn't know you meant sleeping rough.
21:21Oh, my God, it's Madge!
21:23Who's Madge?
21:24Madge.
21:25Madge.
21:26Madge.
21:27Madge.
21:28Madge.
21:29Madge.
21:30Oh, my God, it's Madge!
21:32Who's Madge?
21:33Madge, you all right?
21:35Course I'm all right.
21:37What do you mean by that?
21:38Well, nothing, I just meant...
21:41Where's Mel?
21:42I have to say, the sight of him in his leopard-skin thong
21:45is one of the few things that keeps bringing me back to this place.
21:49He died on Christmas Day.
21:52Oh, my God!
21:56Gavin, your slimy soup's getting cold.
22:00Madge, I'm so sorry.
22:06That went well.
22:07You should get a job here, meeting green.
22:09You'd go down a storm.
22:10Madge!
22:12We were just talking about you.
22:14Are you all right? You look terrible.
22:16That's rich coming from you, ain't it?
22:18What do you mean?
22:19Oh, look at the pair of you. You're hardly the fit family.
22:22You look like you're about to explode.
22:24Donald always carries a bit of excess water in the summer, don't you?
22:29Oh, yes.
22:30Well, carrying that amount of water, I'm surprised the pool's not empty.
22:34Get out of my way.
22:36Maybe see you later?
22:48Oh, God, Mick.
22:50Oh, ma'am.
22:52We've been worried sick about you coming here.
22:54What's been going on?
22:56Let me sit down. I'm buggered after that walk.
22:59Come on.
23:09So, it's Mateo, not potato.
23:12Mateo.
23:14Oh, it's a great name.
23:16Is it Spanish?
23:18This is my bar.
23:19Listen, I don't want to get stuck behind the bar in this shade,
23:22in weather like this,
23:23and I don't want to tread on anybody's toes on my first day.
23:26So?
23:27So, why don't you stay here behind the bar?
23:29I'll slip into something a bit more comfortable and just do what I do best.
23:33You're going to slip into what?
23:35Back in a few minutes.
23:37OK.
23:40Why do I think I'm going to regret this?
23:42When I got back after Mel's funeral, I tried to sort out all his affairs,
23:46but, well, it was all one big mess.
23:49I thought the Benidorm Palace was going well.
23:52Well, it was.
23:53But Mel had made a few more investments that turned sour.
23:57I think he just got a bit too...
23:59Greedy.
24:00Ambitious.
24:01It was a credit crunch, ma'am. You can't blame yourself.
24:04Property in Dubai lost money overnight.
24:07Helicopter rides over Benidorm never really got off the ground.
24:11And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse,
24:13the race horse Mel bought me committed suicide.
24:17I got rid of the Benidorm Palace, then the villa.
24:21That was just rented, thank God.
24:23I didn't lose any money, but I didn't make any either.
24:25Oh, can we talk about this later?
24:27Why didn't you tell us? We could have helped.
24:29The solicitor said to me,
24:31Madge, you've still got the Sunbed shops in the UK, but I told him.
24:35Mel signed them over to Mick.
24:37I'll dig myself out of this mess.
24:40Well, he did, but that was when you had everything here.
24:43Mick had signed the shops over to you.
24:46Can't you, Mick?
24:50Well...
24:53What would be the point of that? She lives in Spain now.
24:56I don't want the shops back.
24:59I can't believe I'm hearing this.
25:01She doesn't want the shops back.
25:03Are you checking in?
25:05If not, you're going to have to pay for your coffee.
25:07Yeah, we're booking her in.
25:09No, you're not. I'm going home.
25:11Look, just calm down.
25:12Calm down?!
25:13This is all your fault.
25:15Hang on a minute.
25:16Mel pissed all his money away on helicopters and suicide losses
25:19and all of a sudden it's all my fault?
25:21Are you going to pay for that coffee?
25:22Will you just shut up about the coffee?
25:24Mrs Harvey, how are you doing?
25:26Haven't seen you for months.
25:27Bloody hell, you're looking rough.
25:29What can I get you to drink, pet?
25:31All right, that's it. I'm off.
25:33Oh.
25:34Come on.
25:35Well done.
25:36Congratulations.
25:38Was it someone I said?
25:40Talk about it, all right?
25:44Oh.
25:52Such a shame about Mel.
25:54Dying on Christmas Day.
25:56It's terrible. And now she's lost everything.
25:58That's what we heard.
25:59Her husband dies, leaving her thousands in debt
26:02while she lives on benefits in a squalid two-birth caravan.
26:07In saying all that, she does have a lovely figure.
26:11So, Kenneth, first time in Benidorm.
26:13How are you finding it?
26:15I think, um, Beguiling's the word that speaks to mind.
26:18So let me get this right.
26:20You work with Gavin and Troy
26:23and you've come on holiday with Gavin
26:25while Troy spends some time with his dad.
26:28That's right.
26:29But Troy didn't know he had a dad.
26:32He did. He just never really knew him.
26:34Oh, now he's dying in hospital.
26:37Oh, I don't know.
26:39They're dropping like flies, aren't they?
26:42How's Troy's son, um, Jamie?
26:45Yes, Jamie, he's wonderful.
26:47Oh, cos you're more or less his mum now, aren't you?
26:52More or less?
26:53Does that feel strange,
26:55sitting here thinking you're somebody's mother?
26:58Not really.
26:59The one thing Benidorm isn't short of
27:01is large women with receding hairlines and five o'clock shadows.
27:04Have you got kids?
27:06Oh, no, we've never bothered.
27:08But they make so much mess, don't they?
27:11Very house-proud, my Jacqueline.
27:14Mind you, Donald must have dozens knocking around somewhere.
27:18Oh, no, more in the hundreds.
27:21Donald was made redundant in the late 70s
27:24and to make ends meet,
27:26he started contributing to a local sperm bank.
27:29You can't make a living doing that.
27:31Depends how often you go.
27:33At my height, I was contributing 20 or 30 times a week.
27:37A week?
27:38What was it they used to call you?
27:41The one-armed bandit.
27:43And I always paid out.
27:53Straight on.
27:59Not that bad in here.
28:01Be all right once they've finished it.
28:04Mick.
28:08Now where?
28:10Oh, my God.
28:12What's wrong?
28:13Oh, my God.
28:14Mother, what's wrong?
28:33Mother, are you all right?
28:35It's gone.
28:36They've taken it.
28:38Madge?
28:40Madge, I've been trying to ring you all morning.
28:43Oh, God, it's been mental here.
28:45Oh, you all right?
28:47Madge, I don't want you to panic.
28:50I've got some bad news.
28:52What is it?
28:53Madge, I've been trying to ring you.
28:56They've taken your caravan.
28:58I know they've taken me caravan.
29:00Do you think I'm blind?
29:02Oh, right, yeah.
29:03There's all the stuff they took out of it.
29:05I told Reg I said Madge is good for the rent,
29:07but he's just gone mental.
29:09Anyone more than three months in her ears and he's impounding the vans.
29:12Black Nigel and Fat Pat are in bits.
29:14Well, first they find out their daughter and Wigan's a lesbian
29:16and now they've got nowhere to live.
29:18Oh, it's all wrong.
29:20Who's impounded the caravans?
29:22Reg the Veg, site manager.
29:24He's an absolute bastard.
29:26Pardon me, French.
29:27Sorry, I'm Lucky Kev.
29:29I've got the double plot on the corner of Glasgow and Newcastle Street.
29:32You must be Mick and Janice.
29:34Oh, God.
29:35Come on, ma'am, don't get upset.
29:37Come on, back to the salona.
29:38We'll get something to eat and think all this through.
29:40Oh, good idea. I'm starving.
29:42Not you, dickhead.
29:55Listen, Madge, that five euro you owe me,
29:58don't sweat about it, yeah?
30:00Let's talk about it next week.
30:01I know you've got a lot on your plate right now.
30:03Piss off.
30:15WHISTLING
30:21Hey.
30:24I need to speak to you.
30:25Make it quick.
30:26Although I heard you always do.
30:29I need you to give a message to...
30:32Natalie.
30:33Forget it.
30:34She told you when we got here.
30:35What happened in the past stays in the past.
30:37She's not interested in going over very old ground.
30:41Look, I just...
30:43I just want to be friends, OK?
30:45I am not trying to get back with Natalie.
30:48I have, how do you say, moved on.
30:51Right.
30:52Well, I need you to move on just a little bit further,
30:55about a metre to your left
30:56before I whack you in the knackers with my boombox.
30:59Gracias.
31:02Hey, you are not going to play that here.
31:04This is not...
31:05Shove it!
31:07Here you are, son.
31:08Oh.
31:09Oh, thanks, Dad.
31:11Is that the one you fancy?
31:12No, no, it's...
31:14It's a mate I like.
31:15Oh, I was going to say.
31:17She'd eat you for breakfast
31:18and shake you up before lunch, that one.
31:20HE LAUGHS
31:23The other one's amazing.
31:25Her name's Natalie.
31:27You really like her?
31:28Yeah.
31:30OK, son, leave this to me.
31:32Oh, Dad, don't do anything embarrassing.
31:34Oh, now, come on, son, play the game.
31:37When have I ever done anything to embarrass you?
31:50Gonzo over there wanted to talk to you.
31:52I told him to shove it.
31:54Who's Gonzo?
31:55Er, Big Nose.
31:57Oh, Natalie, I just want to be friends.
31:59Do you mind taking off your clothes and lying down
32:01while I give you a friendly...
32:02He hasn't got a big nose.
32:04God, you still fancy him.
32:06No, I don't fancy him.
32:07He just doesn't have a big nose.
32:09Anyway, the way he was leering after you,
32:11I don't think I'm the one who has to worry.
32:13He'd rather shag Benny Hill over there while his wife watched.
32:16From what I've heard, she wouldn't just want to watch.
32:25Two delicious cocktails for two delicious young ladies.
32:29Oh, we didn't order any cocktails.
32:31No, you didn't.
32:32But that lovely young man over there
32:34sent his over with his compliments.
32:39Anything else you need, you'll just let me know.
32:43Aw, that was nice.
32:45Yeah.
32:46Sending over free drinks in an all-inclusive resort.
32:49Generous.
32:50Oh, I wonder what I'll get.
32:52Generous.
32:53Oh, I wonder what I'll spoil his with next.
32:55Toilet paper in our room, unlimited use of the pool.
33:10Hey. Hey.
33:12Hey, I told you about this.
33:14Yeah, and I thought I told you what to do and all, didn't I?
33:17Just turn it off, Sam.
33:18No, I won't.
33:19Oh, what's wrong?
33:20Are you worried some of the pensioners wake up
33:22and spoil the open-air mortuary look you've been cultivating?
33:25You put your greasy digit on that machine
33:28and you, my friend, will die.
33:32Erm, she means your...finger.
33:36It's against the rules.
33:38What's the deal?
33:48Yeah.
33:49Oh, hey, Kate, can you turn it up a bit so I can hear it over there?
33:52Yeah, course I can.
33:56Where did your mum and dad go?
33:58Do you want to sit with us till they get back?
34:01I said there was going to be 20 minutes, but it was ages ago.
34:04Pull up a chair.
34:05All right, thanks.
34:06What's your name?
34:07Michael.
34:08I'm Sam.
34:09This is Natalie.
34:10Hiya.
34:11Can you dance, Michael?
34:13Not really.
34:14Well, a bit of street stuff.
34:16Seriously?
34:17Do you want to throw some moves?
34:20No.
34:21Oh, come on, let's liven this dump up.
34:28Are you sure you don't want to dance, Michael?
34:31No, I'm all right, thanks.
34:34Sam, I think you're making Michael feel uncomfortable.
34:38No, I'm OK.
34:39All right, then, you're making me feel uncomfortable.
34:47Excuse me, what's going on?
34:50I'm enjoying myself. It's called being on holiday.
34:53Who's CT plays that?
34:55Really?
34:56Well, unfortunately, when you're on holiday,
34:58it involves giving my 11-year-old son a lap dance.
35:00It's time to stop it.
35:01When you're giving your old son a lap dance,
35:03it's time to stop enjoying yourself.
35:05Get off, you're hurting me!
35:09I hope you drown, you dirty slag.
35:12And you, turn that music off now, or else that goes in as well.
35:21Right, shall we sit down?
35:24Excuse me?
35:25Yeah?
35:26You doing a job here, do you?
35:27Can you move it?
35:29Get there.
35:32Oh!
35:40Well, there's certainly never a dull moment here.
35:43I wouldn't mind doing a bit of lap dancing.
35:46Well, we definitely could do with the money.
35:48Two holidays in the last six months has left us pretty broke.
35:52Apparently, you need a strong back.
35:55That's the key to it.
35:57Well, you pass in that department with flying colours.
36:00You've got a lot of weight on your back in your time.
36:03That's true.
36:0518 down, American slang for courage or determination.
36:11Five letters, ends in U-N-K.
36:16Spunk.
36:18Really?
36:19Oh, yes.
36:20Spunk?
36:21Yep.
36:23Oh, isn't it terrible?
36:25I mean, kiddies could be reading this, or anybody.
36:31Right, first of all, how much do you owe on the ground rent?
36:34I don't want my caravan back. It's worth nothing.
36:37What about all the stuff inside it?
36:39There's just clothes in them bags. What about all your possessions?
36:42Possessions? What possessions?
36:44I've got nothing. Do you hear me? Nothing!
36:47All right, all right, calm down.
36:49Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?
36:51Just look at his face.
36:53What are you talking about? I'm trying to help you.
36:55Yeah, well, it's too little too late.
36:57Nana, what's happened?
36:59I'll tell you what's happened. That father of yours has bled me dry.
37:03Well, hang on a minute.
37:04She doesn't mean it. She's in shock.
37:06Nick's trying to help you, ma'am.
37:08I just need a couple of days to get my thoughts together,
37:11work out what to do next.
37:13I've buried two husbands, raised seven kids.
37:16I don't need anyone's help.
37:18Right, I'm going to sort this out.
37:20Where are you going?
37:21I'm off back up to the caravan park. I'm going to have a word with this fella.
37:24Oh, he's a nasty piece of work.
37:26Yeah? Well, he hasn't met me.
37:28Fella in the caravan up from me wouldn't take his satellite dish down,
37:31so he broke his legs.
37:35See you when you get back.
37:41Well, are you going or not?
37:43Tell you what, why don't we leave it till tomorrow,
37:45give him a chance to cool down a bit?
37:47He'll be annoyed about the money I borrowed off him and all.
37:50How much money?
37:51Don't you mind how much?
37:52I've told you, I can sort this out on my own.
37:55The last thing I need is you poking your nose in.
37:57Madge? Madge?
37:59What the bloody hell does he want?
38:01Oh, Madge, thank God I found you.
38:02I take it Reg hasn't been here?
38:04What's that got to do with you?
38:05Well, I saw him earlier on and he was going absolutely mental.
38:08What do you want?
38:09This is an exclusive resort.
38:12Now piss off before I get you thrown out.
38:14No, listen, Madge, under no circumstances come back to the park, yeah?
38:18I spoke to Reg this morning and, well,
38:20I had no idea you'd borrowed two grand off him.
38:23Not that it's got anything to do with me,
38:25but two grand plus the money he owed me in ground rent.
38:28Ah, carumba.
38:30He asked me where you were, but I said no, no, no way.
38:33I'm not grassing Madge up, not a chance.
38:35Yeah, well, very good. You've done your bit, now off you pop.
38:38I mean, he even offered me money, you know, to tell him where you are,
38:41but I said no.
38:4320 euros, but I said no.
38:45No siree, Bob, no way, no how.
38:47My loyalty cannot be bought.
38:49Oh, thanks, love.
38:51Luckily I'm out of pocket now, you know.
38:5320 euros, but...
38:55You're not asking us for 20 euros, are you?
38:57Oh, my God, no, no, no.
38:59Good.
39:00I mean, it would have been easy money,
39:02you know, very easy money if I had told him where you are, but I didn't.
39:05Cheers.
39:06Reg isn't in Benidorm this afternoon,
39:08he's on an anger management course in Alicante.
39:10But, look, I will do my very best
39:12to make sure that he does not know where you are.
39:14Yeah, 20 euros, now piss off.
39:16I don't want your money. All right.
39:18But if you're going to insist...
39:20Thank you very much.
39:23All right, then, I'll be off.
39:24But rest assured, as long as there is breath in my body,
39:27Reg and his boys have got no chance of finding you here.
39:32Oh, shit, they've found you.
39:33What? Who's found us?
39:34Thought you said Reg was in Alicante?
39:36Look, he is, but this isn't Reg the Veg.
39:38It's much worse than that.
39:39It's his wife.
39:41Scary Mary.
39:50Well, well, well.
39:52The mole has come out of her hole.
39:57Come on, boys.
40:01Right, come on, Janice, get your mother and Michael inside.
40:04She's a black belt at Foo Young.
40:06No, no, no, it's not Foo Young, what's it called?
40:08Kung Fu. Or is it karate?
40:10What's the one where they do wax on, wax off?
40:12Oh, Jesus, I'm with these.
40:13Stay here, you.
40:14Come on, ma'am, let's go.
40:16I'm going nowhere.
40:18So, this is where you're hiding.
40:21I'm not hiding anywhere.
40:23Can we help you?
40:24I'm assuming you've got a problem,
40:26or does your face always look like that?
40:28I've come to get something which is well overdue.
40:31Sorry, love, we don't do Botox here.
40:34You, lady, owe me money.
40:37No, correction, I owe your husband money.
40:40Well, in my book, that amounts to the same thing.
40:42You're not wrong there, you certainly look like him.
40:45What's going on?
40:47Oh, go away and wipe some tables, will you, love?
40:49Wipe some tables?
40:50I'll wipe your bleeding face with the back of my hand.
40:53Hey.
40:56Right.
40:58Listen, love, it's Mary, isn't it?
41:00And you are?
41:02I'm Madge's son-in-law.
41:04Listen, love, can we go somewhere else and talk?
41:06Lucky, Kevvy, it'll be all about your little plan.
41:09No, hang on a minute.
41:10A few quiet days by the pool, eh, Madge?
41:13Before your family whisk you back to the UK,
41:15leaving all your debts in sunny Spain.
41:17Now, that's not completely true.
41:19I didn't say whisk.
41:20You snivelling little squealer.
41:22It's nothing to do with me.
41:23Look, we'll get you money.
41:24I've heard it all before.
41:25We'll pay you by the end of the week.
41:27This isn't about money anymore, this is about reputation.
41:30Oh, yeah, and I've heard all about yours.
41:33What's that supposed to mean?
41:35Scary Mary, the Benidorm bike.
41:37I've heard you've given more rides than a donkey
41:39on Blackpool Pleasure Beach.
41:41Only you don't charge quite as much.
41:44Listen, lady, just because you're old and in a wheelchair,
41:49don't think that'll stop me from giving you a bloody good pasting.
41:52I'll have you know I'm a black belt in karate.
41:55Oh, yes, third Dan.
41:57Third Dan. You look more like Desperate Dan.
42:00She's not joking, Madge.
42:01I've seen her doing all the spinning around stuff.
42:03She can run up trees.
42:05Bollocks. She couldn't run up a phone bill.
42:08Right, I've tried to be polite,
42:10now you sling your nooch.
42:12Or what? You'll set Rene and Renato onto us?
42:15Ah! Don't make me laugh.
42:17Listen, darling, you've been told to go,
42:19so do yourself and the Chuckle Brothers a favour
42:22and leave now before somebody gets hurt.
42:26Piss off. Back to your pink windmill grop bags.
42:29And make sure you don't ladder your tights.
42:35Right. Hi-ya!
42:41Mother, what do you think you're doing? You're 71.
42:44Mick, do something.
42:45What do you want me to do?
42:46I don't know. Stop that.
42:48If you think I'm getting between your mother and Mad Mary,
42:51you've got to be joking.
42:52Scary Mary. Oh, shut up.
42:56What's that?
42:57I don't know. It came off your head.
43:02Right, that's it.
43:04Come on!
43:07Arnie!
43:25No, no, no, no!
43:27No, no, no!
43:29No, no, no!
43:33Get off, you bloody weirdo! I can't breathe!
43:36Oi, you, come here!
43:39Why don't you come here?
43:53I can't breathe!
43:55Right, that does it.
43:57You, lady, are history.
44:08Nobody...
44:10Nobody threatens my mother!
44:14Fucking hell, that hurt!
44:16I can't swim!
44:18I can't swim!
44:20Get that big, ugly, hairy get out of my pool!
44:25Not him! That one!
44:32And what the frig am I supposed to do with her?
44:35You can stuff her and stick her on the bar for all I care.
44:42Are you all right, Janice?
44:44Yeah, I'm all right. Where's our Michael?
44:46He's here, he's here, don't worry.
44:48Come on, let's get you sat down.
44:50I'm all right, Mum.
44:52You're brilliant. She's so cool.
44:54I'm sorry, Janice, this should have been my problem, not yours.
44:58We're a family, Mum.
44:59If you've got a problem, we've all got a problem.
45:02Now, come on, let's have a look at you.
45:04Bloody hell, that was close, wasn't it?
45:07Actually, yeah, it's a good job I was here,
45:09cos that could have gone out of hand.
45:14Right, I'll just probably get off.
45:16I expect you've got a lot of stuff you need to talk about,
45:19you know, family stuff.
45:22Don't suppose I could get a lift back to the caravan park, could I?
45:26Come here. Come here, you!
45:30Stop him! Stop him!
45:32Hang on, Mum, it's not the same cycle.
45:34Stop him! I'll straighten up by his balls!