Frasier Season 5 Episode 6 Voyage Of The Dam Ned
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00:00Well, Carl, I think you've got two choices.
00:03Either you have the tattoo removed,
00:06or you travel the globe searching for another soulmate named Fred Wiener.
00:14We'll be right back after this.
00:17Hey, I was just going over this offer you got from the Siren Cruise Line.
00:21They want to know...
00:22Ross, Ross, you know my policy on commercial endorsements.
00:26Just listen.
00:27One of their celebrity entertainers canceled on a cruise that's going to Alaska.
00:31And they'll let us both go for free if you'll fill in.
00:34And all you have to do is give a brief lecture...
00:37Ross, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster.
00:40There are still some of us in this profession who believe in mahogany wainscoting.
00:47Isn't that fabulous? And look at those staterooms.
00:49Wow.
00:50Not to mention the world-class health spa and the gourmet chefs.
00:54That certainly does sound tempting.
00:56I know.
00:57I just don't think it's right to trade on one's good name for a free trip.
01:01Well, plenty of people do.
01:03Look, last month Zubin Mehta did one, and General Schwarzkopf,
01:07it says right here, Gore Vidal did two of them.
01:10Gore Vidal? He hates everything.
01:14If you feel it would tarnish your image,
01:17I'll just go call Vicky and tell her you decided to pass.
01:20Vicky? Who's Vicky?
01:22Oh, she books the celebrities.
01:24I met her at a party once years ago.
01:26I was surprised she remembered me.
01:28Frasier, we're on in 15 seconds.
01:30No, just wait a minute.
01:31You didn't tell me this was a favor for a good friend.
01:33She's not a good friend.
01:34But, Ross, obviously this woman means something to you.
01:36It's certainly an awkward position you've put me into.
01:38Frasier, I don't care.
01:40All right, I'll go.
01:43The last time I pull your chestnuts out of the fire.
01:53Hello, Dr. Crane.
01:55Oh, dear.
01:57Looking very comfortable for afternoon.
02:01Yes, I just love days like this.
02:04Nothing to do, nowhere to go.
02:07Although I have a nagging suspicion I've forgotten something.
02:11Like getting dressed.
02:15Oh, I could just watch the rain all day.
02:19Oh, I could just watch the rain all day.
02:22Course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain.
02:26Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play.
02:29But my mum would always say,
02:32Enjoy it while you can, there'll be no water in hell.
02:36Course, that was her answer for everything.
02:40Eat your veggies, there'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell.
02:45Have a lie down, there'll be no nuts in hell.
02:54Daphne, I am a therapist.
02:58Would you like to talk about me sometimes?
03:01About what?
03:05Nothing.
03:08I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do.
03:11Oh, well, you know what they say.
03:13If you can't remember, it probably wasn't important anyway.
03:17Dad!
03:18Oh, no.
03:20You're dripping!
03:22Yeah, that's what'll happen when you're standing out in the rain waiting for your ride.
03:27Mr. Crane, I am so sorry.
03:29What the hell were you thinking?
03:31Fending these emotions is all well and good, Dad, but I've just had these floors whacked.
03:35I said four o'clock on the corner of 2nd and Bell.
03:38Well, you should have called me.
03:39Well, I was afraid of it when I went looking for a phone. I've missed you.
03:42Good point, Dad. You don't need to step on this paper, please.
03:45That's perfect, thank you.
03:47Oh, God, he's wet, too.
03:48Daphne!
03:50Daphne, here.
03:51Daphne, Daphne, get this K-I sprinkler out of here.
03:54Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane.
03:57As my mom used to say, there'll be no nuts in hell.
04:01I sincerely doubt that.
04:06Miles.
04:07Frazier.
04:08Hey, Dad.
04:09Just stop by to return your cookbook. I won't be needing it.
04:12Oh, really? I thought you were preparing an anniversary dinner for Maris.
04:17Not this year. Maris has chosen to fly off to a clinic in the Alps for an experimental rejuvenation treatment.
04:24Only one man performs the procedure, and she wants to see him before he's extradited.
04:31I'm so sorry. It's so depressing.
04:34Every time it looks like we're approaching a breakthrough in our therapy, Maris runs away.
04:39I really hoped that spending time together on our anniversary would get us over the hump.
04:46There, there.
04:47You know how difficult it must be when someone puts their own selfish obsession above your emotional needs.
04:55Miles, why don't you take off that white coat and stay for dinner?
04:58Yes.
04:59I'll get us started with a couple of nice hot toddies, just like we used to make down at Duke's.
05:03Dad, you know, there's a recipe in this book for a hot toddy.
05:08It calls for courvoisier, chamomile tea, and a dash of framboise.
05:14Garnish it with a few rose petals, and that's just how Duke used to serve it.
05:21Make yourself at home.
05:23Poor Miles.
05:25You know, Dad, maybe I should...
05:26Uh-uh-uh. Stop right there. I know what you're going to say.
05:30You want to call Maris and talk her into spending her anniversary with Niles.
05:34I didn't realize I'd become as predictable as all that.
05:37Well, you have. And if you ask me...
05:39Stop right there. I know exactly what you're going to say.
05:42You're going to say I should mind my own business and keep my big bazoo shut.
05:46I was going to say, fat yap, but you're in the ballpark.
05:50Well, I just think that when two people are having an argument, their emotions can get the better of them.
05:55A third party can provide some perspective.
05:57They already have a therapist, and if Niles needs any more help, he's got Dr. Jim Beam here, and he makes house calls.
06:06I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Maris. I hope you enjoy your trip to Switzerland.
06:11Actually, I have plans of my own for our anniversary that I'm very excited about.
06:16Bon voyage.
06:18Well, that's a very healthy approach, Niles. What are your plans?
06:22Well, I thought I'd sit on my couch in my cavernous apartment, rocking back and forth while hugging my knees.
06:31Niles, you're not going to be alone on your anniversary. You'll have me and Frej.
06:36Well, actually, I've agreed to give a lecture on a cruise to Alaska.
06:43But I don't see any reason why you two shouldn't join me. Why don't you?
06:47Oh, that'd be great, wouldn't it, Niles?
06:50I don't know.
06:51Oh, come on, Niles. It'll take your mind off your troubles.
06:54I appreciate your concern, really, but whisking me off on a cruise, I'm not as emotionally fragile as all that.
07:01As you wish.
07:03Well, Dan, I guess it'll just be you and me, then.
07:06When do we leave?
07:07Fourteenth.
07:09Fourteenth?
07:22Uh...
07:27Uh...
07:31Uh...
07:35You know, that just gets funnier and funnier each time you do it.
07:38Uh...
07:40No, no, I'm wrong.
07:46Hey, some ship, huh? How's your stateroom?
07:49I'd hardly call it a stateroom.
07:52I wouldn't even call it a room, but I don't know the nautical term for a broom closet with sconces.
07:58How's yours?
08:00The same. Worse, even.
08:03I'm sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do.
08:06You have a porthole?
08:08What difference does it make? A cabin's just a place to shower and change your clothes.
08:13You have a shower?
08:14Oh, I have a nozzle and a floor drain. It took me an hour before I put those two things together.
08:21Now, the buffet's coming a pretty good clip, so you gotta pace yourself.
08:26And watch out for your fillers, your breads, your rolls, your chips and dips.
08:32You've only got so much room. Don't be a hero.
08:39Hey, guys!
08:41Hey!
08:42Hey, guys!
08:44Hey, Fridge, this is great!
08:47You got one of those cabins where the whole bathroom turns into a shower?
08:53Yes, Dad.
08:55Before you say anything, I have no idea what spartan conditions we were in for.
08:59It's quite all right.
09:01Once I got over my fear that I'd be hauled below decks and manacled to another oarsman, I actually started to enjoy myself.
09:07Well, you know, I suppose I won't be spending that much time in my cabin anyway. I'll be hobnobbing with my fellow celebrities.
09:14Yeah, they've got a lot of big names on board. Did you see the pictures?
09:18Live and in person, radio star Dr. Frasier Crane.
09:23Boy, that's a little embarrassing.
09:26Don't care for the word star, considering the caliber of the other people on board.
09:31The comedy stylings of Giggles O'Shea.
09:37Oh, yes, you're in stellar company.
09:41Oh, and look, they even managed to snare a magician, the amazing Lance Gould.
09:47Oh, he's great. I caught his act in Reno a few years ago.
09:52For his finale, he made his own head disappear.
09:56Now, did the toupego tour, did it just hover over the top?
10:00Dear God!
10:02You booked me on a floating gong show!
10:04What happened to Zubin Mehta and Gore Vidal?
10:07I am so sorry, Frasier, I had no idea.
10:10I guess they just booked their A-list celebrities on the big ships.
10:14Your attention, please.
10:16The Taste of Alaska buffet is now being served on the Lido deck.
10:21Oh, it's my cue. You guys coming?
10:24Dad, we had a big lunch at home.
10:26Rookie mistake. See you at dinner.
10:28Oh, Frasier, it's not that bad. Look, at least you got top billing.
10:32Well, of course I got top billing. I'm the only one up there I've ever heard of.
10:36Oh, come on, what about him?
10:38Latin singing sensation, Carlos the Barracuda del Gato.
10:43No, don't you remember him from the 70s?
10:47He invented that big dance craze, the Barracuda.
10:50Believe it or not, Maris was the one who invented it.
10:53No, yes, that was the one dance she could do.
10:56The hustle was too strenuous.
10:59She had no booty to shave.
11:05But her fetching little underbite was just perfect for the Barracuda.
11:14No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:20Niles, why is that woman staring at you?
11:26God help me. It's that awful Mimi Cosgrove from the country club. Hide me.
11:31She's a man-eating lush who'd go to any length to...
11:34Niles?
11:36Mimi, you funny little good-for-nothing Mimi.
11:39Mom, Mom, Mom, what are you doing here?
11:43Oh, looking for the bar.
11:45Oh, there it is.
11:46Come, let me buy you a cocktail.
11:48Oh, you know, I'm...
11:50I don't know what it is about the ocean that makes me so thirsty.
11:53Oh, have you been working out?
12:00Look, there he is, the Barracuda.
12:03How thrilling.
12:05A fellow headliner on the USS Hasbill.
12:10Come on, Riles, let's go over my notes for my lecture.
12:13Come on, Riles, let's go over my notes for my lecture.
12:16Dr. Fraga Kranz?
12:19I'm Carlos Delgato.
12:23Hello, it's a pleasure to meet you.
12:26This is Riles Doyle.
12:28Buenas noches.
12:30Hablas español?
12:32Not really.
12:34It's no matter.
12:36I'm sure you're schooled in the international language.
12:40Oh, yes, Riles, say something amusing in Esperanto.
12:47You know, each night I select the most beautiful woman in my audience
12:52and present to her a red rose.
12:55This means the evening has just begun.
13:00Perhaps one night you will be my especial lady?
13:06My especial lady?
13:09Until then.
13:20Okay, you're right. We're on the voyage of the dam.
13:27So, are you still separated?
13:29Oh, I'm afraid so.
13:31Oh, you poor thing.
13:33Well, we're trying. We're in therapy.
13:36Good. You know how much I've always thought of you and...
13:40Maris?
13:42Yeah, an angel.
13:44If there's any way I could be of comfort to you, why, you just let me know.
13:49Oh, what is that marvelous fragrance?
13:51Well, that's...
13:53I beg your pardon, sir.
13:55The lady wishes to send you this with her compliments.
13:57What lady?
13:59Back there in the black dress and the veil.
14:02Maris?
14:04Oh, and there was one more thing.
14:06What?
14:14I'm really very sorry, sir, but she gave me the biggest tip I've ever seen.
14:19I'm sure you can convince Maris this is all completely innocent.
14:24If not, I'm in cabin 712.
14:29Niles! Niles, what happened?
14:32Was that Maris I saw running out of here?
14:33Yes, she saw Mimi pawing me and assumed the worst.
14:36I've got to go speak to her.
14:38How upset did she look?
14:40Oh, I couldn't see past the outfit.
14:42Who wears a black dress and a veil on a cruise?
14:44Roz, the woman has virtually no pigmentation.
14:46Three minutes in the sun, she'd sear like an ahi tuna.
14:53She's supposed to be in Switzerland.
14:55What's she doing here?
14:57Niles, Niles, I'm sorry.
14:59I'm afraid that this may be partly my fault.
15:03You see, I left a message on the machine saying how upset you were.
15:07It might be fun if she could join us on the cruise.
15:11You invited her to come and didn't tell me?
15:15I thought it would be a nice surprise.
15:17Oh, well, it worked out perfectly.
15:20She's probably on the phone right now arranging to fly home from the next portal.
15:25Excuse me, excuse me.
15:27The lady who sent me the champagne, do you happen to know which stateroom she's in?
15:30No, sir, but she did ask me to give you a message.
15:31Yes.
15:42Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her?
15:49You're on in 20 minutes.
15:52How's your speech coming?
15:54It's hard to concentrate. I'm so concerned about Niles.
15:58I like this opening joke you wrote.
16:01It's very funny.
16:03Thank you. I can't take all the credit.
16:06I had a patty melt with giggles before the show.
16:14Oh, Niles.
16:17I can't tell you again how sorry I am for meddling.
16:22How did it go with Maris?
16:24Terribly. This is, without a doubt, the most depressing night of my life.
16:32That is so funny.
16:35I'm sorry.
16:37I spent hours looking for her.
16:40Then I remembered her fondness for the barracuda.
16:43I ran down to the lounge and found that Latin cheese ball
16:46crooning his ghastly song directly to her.
16:49I started to approach, then a waiter came over,
16:52and by the time I got the champagne out of my eyes, she'd disappeared into the crowd.
16:56I waited after the show.
16:59She didn't come out.
17:01Neither did Delgato.
17:03Niles, what are you implying?
17:06You know Maris' taste for revenge.
17:08If she thinks I'm having an affair with Mimi,
17:10then she's going to try to punish me in kind.
17:13Wow.
17:15Do you really think she's planning to do the barracuda?
17:20Niles.
17:23Don't jump to conclusions.
17:26It's exactly what Maris did.
17:28Says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it?
17:31No trust on either side.
17:33What hope is there for us?
17:35Is there anything I can do?
17:37No.
17:39You've done enough.
17:41I'm just going to take a walk.
17:44I'll be right back.
17:46I'm just going to take a walk.
17:49Oh, God.
17:51Oh, I feel so guilty.
17:55When will I learn to stop interfering in other people's affairs?
18:01I better go talk to Maris, see if I can fix this.
18:05You're going to butt in again?
18:08I don't see what business that is of yours.
18:10Where's your dad?
18:12Oh, no. If he finds out, I'll never hear the end of it.
18:15Boy, that taste of Alaska spread was a bust.
18:19Want to know what caribou meat tastes like?
18:23Not chicken.
18:28Where's Niles?
18:30He's out for a walk.
18:32Oh, I may as well tell you the whole thing.
18:35Maris is on board.
18:38She and Niles had a horrible fight,
18:41and their marriage is in worse shape than it's ever been before.
18:45No need telling you how she got here in the first place.
18:48I know, I know.
18:50What was I thinking, inviting her to come on the cruise?
18:53You invited Maris?
18:55Yeah, well, Niles was so upset about being alone on their anniversary,
18:59it seemed like a good idea.
19:01Smart, huh?
19:03I give you all this guff about butting in,
19:05and then I turn around and do the same damn thing.
19:08Oh, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself.
19:12Fraser?
19:14Oh, all right.
19:16I invited Maris, too.
19:19You did?
19:21Yeah.
19:23I thought I told you to keep your big bazoos shut.
19:25Oh, you're one to talk.
19:27Well, so what are we going to do now?
19:29Nothing. Nothing at all.
19:31Let them resolve their own differences.
19:33Stay on the sidelines where we belong.
19:35All right. Ooh, better get going.
19:38I'm going to miss the first seating for dinner.
19:39Well, Dad, my lecture's in 15 minutes.
19:41Oh, geez.
19:43Well, I guess I can't do everything.
19:45Tell me how it went on the midnight buffet.
19:51Well, I guess we better head over to your lecture.
19:53Right. First, I'm going to go talk to Maris.
19:56You just said...
19:58Forget what I said. You're coming along, too.
20:00Why do you need me? I don't even know her.
20:02You can vouch for Niles' innocence.
20:04Oh, all right.
20:06I'm kind of curious to meet her anyway.
20:07You know, in all these years,
20:09I've never actually seen her face.
20:11Well, I haven't seen her most recent one,
20:13so this will be a new experience for both of us.
20:17All right, Niles, let me do all the talking.
20:20Oh, and if it looks like she has
20:22an orange Abyssinian on her head,
20:24don't stare.
20:26That's a wiglet.
20:30All through.
20:32Have a nice evening.
20:35She must not be here.
20:37Niles, what are you doing?
20:39You can't go in there.
20:41I just want to see the room.
20:43You just can't barge into someone else's room.
20:45Oh, my God!
20:47Is that a grand piano?
20:50Frasier, look.
20:53Barracuda's calling card.
20:55That means that he's chosen Maris
20:57to be his...
20:59Especial Lady.
21:04She's coming.
21:07Why are we hiding?
21:09You came here to talk to her.
21:11Because it's impossible
21:13to extol the virtues of trust
21:15to someone whose room you've just broken into.
21:17She's coming.
21:19Oh, dear God!
21:21The shower is bigger
21:23than my entire canvas!
21:28Martin!
21:34What are you doing here?
21:35We came to talk to Maris.
21:37What are you doing here?
21:39The same as you.
21:41Well, then why didn't you come in the bathroom?
21:43Well, what do you think?
21:45Oh!
21:47Well, all right.
21:49Get the hell out of here.
21:51It's Maris.
21:53Well, what's the big deal?
21:55Why don't we just go out and talk to her?
21:57We can't go out there.
21:59She may not be alone.
22:01Remember the rose?
22:03Oh, God.
22:05I don't see her.
22:07Maybe she went back out.
22:09Oh, wait.
22:11I see her coat on the hat rack.
22:15Look closer.
22:19Is the hat rack moving?
22:23Oh, my God!
22:25What's she doing?
22:27Well, she seems to be alone.
22:29That's good.
22:31She's pouring champagne.
22:33Two glasses.
22:36Oh!
22:38Oh, that's bad.
22:40On so many levels.
22:42Oh, my God!
22:44Ah!
22:46Oh, here we go.
22:48Oh, shit!
22:50Oh, shit!
22:52Oh, shit!
22:54Oh, shit!
22:56Oh, shit!
22:58Oh, shit!
23:00Oh, shit!
23:02Oh, shit!
23:04Oh!
23:15She's gone.
23:17How are we going to get out of here?
23:19I have no idea.
23:21I've got about three minutes before I have to be downstairs
23:24or 200 people are going to be sorely disappointed.
23:26200 people?
23:28Where did you hear that?
23:30They told me that was the room capacity.
23:33Oh, come on!
23:35Giggles had the latter show.
23:37Shh!
23:39She's going to hear us.
23:41It's the barracuda.
23:43Oh, who's the barracuda?
23:45He's the sleazy Latin lounge singer
23:47Maris is going to sleep with
23:49to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi.
23:51Who's Mimi?
23:53A horny society boozer
23:55and the Mrs. O'Leary's cow of our current predicament.
23:57Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
23:59A woman in Chicago who all along
24:00worked because we have got to stop Maris
24:02before she does something that's going to
24:04damage her relationship forever.
24:06We cannot go out there now.
24:08We don't want to walk in with two of them.
24:10I don't want to see that.
24:12I'd just take care of them.
24:17Oh, very well.
24:19Seems I'm the only one who really cares
24:21about this relationship.
24:23I will go and do it.
24:25Oh!
24:30Maris!
24:32What a lovely bathroom!
24:36What are you doing here?
24:38We came to convince Maris there was nothing going on
24:40between you and Mimi.
24:42What are you doing here?
24:44Maris and I ran into each other on the deck
24:46and we had a long talk and, well,
24:48she invited me back here for a glass of champagne.
24:50Oh, that's great.
24:52You know, it might mar the mood a bit
24:54if she finds all of you spying on her.
24:56Did you use that mouthwash?
24:58No, no, Maris did.
25:00I need more than champagne.
25:04You've got to leave here right now.
25:06Just give me time to see her out to the balcony.
25:08Oh, balcony!
25:16Now, just count to ten and then scram
25:18so Maris and I can celebrate
25:20the way a man and his wife were meant to.
25:25She started without me.
25:27Oh!
25:31Drinking the champagne.
25:33Oh!
25:44Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:46Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:50Quite stylish
25:52And maybe I seem a bit confused
25:55Yeah, maybe
25:57But I got you pegged
25:58Ha, ha, ha, ha
26:00But I don't know what to do
26:02With those tossed salads
26:04And scrambled eggs
26:08They're calling again
26:12Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:15What is it more to do?
26:20Thank you!