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Short filmTranscript
00:30Next up, an experiment to measure peer pressure.
00:50How much is the individual influenced by the group?
00:53Seeing as Arnold rimmers late, the subject of this experiment can be him.
00:58When he finally does us the honour of turning up, I shall ask you a set of questions and
01:03want you to answer accordingly.
01:05First they turn on me late.
01:12It's so embarrassing.
01:15He'll kill me.
01:20Ah, Mr Rimmer.
01:23I hope we haven't inconvenienced you too much by starting on time.
01:27Sorry, father.
01:28I'm father outside college. Inside college I'm sir or lecturer Rimmer. Understand?
01:34Yes, father. I mean, sir.
01:37So embarrassing.
01:39We're just about to run through a few questions as part of side profiling.
01:44OK. Take a look at this colour.
01:48Is it purple, blue or green?
01:51Hands up, purple.
01:55Hands up, blue.
02:03Green.
02:12A fallopian tube is a musical instrument. True or false?
02:18True?
02:24What's the answer to this piece of arithmetic?
02:55MUSICAL TRUMPET PLAYS
03:09ALARM BLARES
03:25ALARM BLARES
03:31ALARM BLARES
03:38Your keys, my brother.
03:45Oh, you got the wrong quarters, bud. You want Lister.
03:49That's two floors down.
03:53Second on the right, fourth on the left.
03:56Night.
04:08Your keys, my brother.
04:11One floor down, sir.
04:14Elevator at the end of the hallway.
04:23Your keys, my brother.
04:26Oh, smack off, Rimmer. I'm trying to sleep, man.
04:35Your keys, my brother.
04:38No, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did.
04:40No, I smacking didn't.
04:42I am here to challenge those who keys my brother to a duel to the ungonising death.
04:50I will give you five of your earth minutes
04:53and then I will pursue you across space
04:56until the end of time itself.
04:59I will not rest until you are choking on your own warm blood.
05:07Sounds fair to me.
05:09But out, Rimmer. Don't encourage him.
05:12Do you accept the challenge, Humo? A duel across time and space?
05:17No. Why?
05:19Hokey, you are always doing this, picking fights
05:22and then challenging us to duels across time and space.
05:26No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
05:28No, I'm not. Yes, you smacking are.
05:32You rogue droids are obsessed with duels across time and space.
05:36You is salt my time saying we are obsessed with duels across time and space.
05:43I therefore challenge you to a duel across time and space.
05:47I will give you five of your...
05:50No duels across time and space.
05:53Why?
05:54Look, at first it was fun.
05:56It distracted us from being stuck in deep space.
05:59No way of getting back home.
06:01But we're all duelled out.
06:03Our duelling days are over.
06:05Duellos anonos.
06:07Oh, please. No.
06:11I will give you a little start.
06:13No.
06:14But we are in deep space.
06:16Light years from anywhere.
06:18There'd be nothing else to do.
06:20You think I don't know that?
06:22So how are we going to keep from going crazy?
06:24You, my friend, it's way too late.
06:28How about a ping-pong marathon?
06:31Get a few buddies together.
06:33Rogue nutters versus the dwarfs.
06:35We already do that.
06:37You guys, you always win.
06:40The botanical gardens will give you a shot at home.
06:43Oh, give Lucky Stan a chance.
06:46What's wrong with that?
06:48You've been knowing all the boroughs.
06:50How to get in and out the little windmills.
06:57What is?
06:59All right, I'll tell you what.
07:01A cooking contest.
07:04Who can bake the most delicious cake? We'll thrash you.
07:07If it's a choux pastry you want.
07:09Oh, choux pastry.
07:11Big words, my demented friend.
07:13What are we playing for?
07:15If I win...
07:19If you win, a great treasure the likes of which you have never seen.
07:26A piece of old cloth?
07:28No thanks, we've already got one.
07:30It's a map.
07:31A map the likes of which you have never seen.
07:36Everything's the likes of which you've never seen with him.
07:38Do you doubt me?
07:40I'm just saying.
07:42You'd be surprised the likes of which we have seen.
07:44Don't be so quick to say everything's the likes of which we haven't seen.
07:47We've seen things the likes of which you probably haven't seen yourself.
07:52Is that a challenge?
07:54No duels.
07:56The map is showing everything in this galaxy.
08:00Every wormhole, every derelict, every planet.
08:05Where did you get this?
08:07I steal from a simulant death ship.
08:09You don't want to mess with those guys.
08:11They're deranged.
08:13Once you cross them, they hunt you down.
08:16Not me.
08:18I steal while they slumber.
08:20I'm clever as a hedgehog.
08:25Look out!
08:35The hull's cracked.
08:42Sorry to intrude, sir.
08:44It's no good time to clean your quarters.
08:46Certainly looks like it could do with a good tidy.
08:52Oh, sorry, sir.
08:54I didn't realize you had company.
08:56I'll rework my schedule.
08:59Sorry to intrude again, sir.
09:01When is a good time for my lesson on human modes of speech?
09:06Oh, now's an excellent time, Kryton.
09:09Come in, take a seat.
09:11Oh, what fun, sir.
09:13That's sarcasm, right?
09:15You see, I am getting the hang of it.
09:17There's a ship outside.
09:19They're attacking us.
09:21Oh, no.
09:23Oh, no.
09:25Oh, no.
09:27Oh, no.
09:37He's sealed the crack.
09:39We've got to get out of here.
09:41We can't just leave him.
09:43Watch me.
09:45What's that?
09:47Oh, nothing.
09:49Look, I'll be back.
09:51I don't know how.
09:53I don't know when.
09:55Fine.
10:17What the hell's going on? Who's doing this?
10:20Right, and scan the local vicinity for any anomalous energy patterns.
10:24Everything's down, sir. We're on EPS.
10:27Trying to reboot.
10:29So let me get this right.
10:30We're being attacked by something, but we don't know what.
10:33And there's no way of finding out what's out there.
10:35I have a suggestion, sirs.
10:37What?
10:38How about we look out of the window?
10:46Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.
10:50Do it.
10:51What, me, sir? On my own?
10:52Of course on your own.
10:54I love solo missions.
10:56I'm on my way, sir.
11:06Would you like a written report, sir?
11:08Under these special circumstances, would a verbal account suffice?
11:11Get on with it, man. What's out there?
11:14A rogue-simulant death ship, sir.
11:17A death ship?
11:18Yes, sir.
11:19Should we be concerned?
11:21A concern would be an entirely appropriate response under these circumstances, sir.
11:26What do you think they want?
11:28Although the death ship didn't indicate the exact nature of their business, sir,
11:32I'm guessing it's something a bit... deathy.
11:38They must have been tracking Hoagie.
11:40Finding us is just a bonus.
11:42Simulants?
11:43These are the guys who despise humans, right?
11:46The ones who won't rest until they've annihilated every single one.
11:49Correct, sir.
11:50Not me, then. Excellent.
11:52I'll be in the rec room reading this month's copy of I'm Okay magazine.
11:59Make no mistake, sir.
12:00They will see us all as Mr. Lister's lieutenants.
12:04They will show us no mercy.
12:07Death ships are captained by special berserker generals
12:11who've been crossbred to create an insane biomechanical entity
12:17of pure evil.
12:34My Dominator, forgive me. I implore you.
12:37The Earth One remains alive.
12:40Forgiveness is a human quality, Chancellor.
12:43It has no meaning to a Simulant General.
12:47You know what you must do.
13:14Uh...
13:16Oh...
13:19Firstly, polish my sword of spite
13:24as a punishment for your idiocy.
13:27Polish?
13:28Yes, polish.
13:30As a punishment for your idiocy.
13:33Secondly...
13:34Just polish?
13:35Yes, just polish.
13:38Secondly...
13:40Write me a formal letter of apology.
13:44So you just want me to polish your sword and write a letter?
13:49Yes.
13:51Nothing else?
13:52Nothing else.
13:54So you don't want me to, uh...
13:56I don't know, commit harry-carry or anything?
13:59Of course not.
14:01I...
14:05Well, sir, that wasn't made very clear.
14:09Uh, when you slid the sword across the table,
14:13I naturally assumed you wanted me to commit harry-carry.
14:17Well, I do not!
14:19Oh, I know that now, sir.
14:21Before, though, it was just... showed to be ambiguous.
14:26Uh-huh.
14:28A new system is in order.
14:31I'm going to go now, sir.
14:33Uh, my dominator, thank you.
14:39Ooh.
14:42Oh, Chancellor.
14:44You do have a tendency to jump to conclusions.
14:49Let this be a little lesson to you.
14:53Ooh.
14:56That bit looks important.
15:04Hang on, hang on.
15:09Do you know how to work that?
15:11Well, it's got a lot of different settings, but...
15:13Yeah.
15:19Thought not.
15:21What the hell just happened?
15:26What the hell is this thing?
15:28It's a wibbly gun.
15:30It makes things go all...
15:34...wibbly-fad.
15:36It appears to destabilise
15:38the molecular structure of solid objects, sir.
15:42His version was clearer.
15:45Come on, Cardobe.
15:47Well, let's get the blue midgets and CB3.
15:56Remember, what is that?
15:59It's a hololamp, isn't it, sir?
16:01It plays holo messages.
16:03My father gave it to me when I was a boy.
16:05He told me to play it the day I become an officer
16:08and join the Space Corps.
16:10The day I become a somebody.
16:12Should have been played, right?
16:15And it shan't be until I'm an officer.
16:17Come on, let's go.
16:26Deathship and three annihilators at six o'clock, sirs.
16:34Question, can we stay ahead of them?
16:37Only if we have enough fuel, sir.
16:39Two, maybe three hours.
16:41Asteroid field 80 klicks west.
16:43Maybe offer some cover.
16:45I'm taking her in.
16:48According to the readouts, quadrant two, vector four,
16:52we can hide in that asteroid.
16:54Take us in!
17:02My dominator, I'm afraid the human insurgents have escaped.
17:07They've flown into an asteroid field.
17:09This is totally unacceptable.
17:12I agree, my dominator.
17:14The security forces have been shambolic.
17:16Those responsible should be agonised.
17:18I agree also.
17:20And I.
17:21And I.
17:22And I.
17:23And I also.
17:24Oh, I refuse to be surrounded by these toadying sycophants.
17:28I agree, my dominator.
17:30I agree also.
17:31And I.
17:32And I.
17:33And I.
17:34And I also.
17:35I want each member of my council to think for themselves.
17:38Not just agree with my every word and whim
17:40out of some pathetic, boot-trembling terror
17:43for self-preservation.
17:45Question my judgments.
17:47Debate me.
17:49Only then will we be truly strong.
17:53But, dominator, that simply isn't true.
17:56The last person to contradict you is...
17:58Kim.
17:59What?
18:00Do you see what I mean?
18:02I don't know what you mean.
18:05Do you see what I mean?
18:09Now find the ship!
18:17It appears they've surrounded the asteroid belt
18:20and are sending in probes to locate our position.
18:23It's only a matter of time before they find us.
18:26So what's our next move?
18:28Shall I go slip into something more appropriate,
18:30like, say, a coffin?
18:34Is that it?
18:35We're all going to die?
18:37Well, you're all going to die.
18:39I'm already dead.
18:41I have the sense to get dying out of the way early.
18:44For years you mocked me.
18:46Not laughing now, are you?
18:48Oh, yeah, cos being dead is such an advantage here.
18:51It is an advantage.
18:53How is it an advantage?
18:55I was killed instantly, Lister.
18:57Painless, quick and stylish.
18:59What's that coming down the corridor?
19:01Ooh, it looks like a radiation leak.
19:03I'm dead.
19:05Not perfect, I'll grant you,
19:07but at least it wasn't embarrassing.
19:09Embarrassing?
19:10No, weeping, getting hysterical.
19:12Not one of those deaths where you lose control
19:15of your bodily functions,
19:17your bowels clearing all over the place.
19:20At least my death was dignified.
19:22I'd hardly call yelling Mummy Mummy dignified.
19:26Lister, I didn't yell Mummy Mummy.
19:28No, you didn't have the time.
19:31Please, sirs, this is very bad for morale.
19:34I can't believe you're arguing
19:36about who's going to have the best death.
19:39I'm only trying to help,
19:41give you some advice on how to die nicely.
19:44You want to die twice, keep talking.
19:47Please, sir.
19:48He's right.
19:49We're all getting crazy.
19:51We need to chill.
19:53You're right.
19:54We've been in these situations before.
19:56We always find a way out.
19:58Like the time that highly corrosive microorganism
20:01almost destroyed Red Dwarf.
20:03The highly corrosive microorganism, exactly.
20:06We got out of that one.
20:08Yeah, thanks to me.
20:09Oh, sir, you cannot claim the credit for that.
20:12It was a total fluke.
20:14Fluke?
20:15You think that was an accident, the way I...
20:17Shh!
20:18What's that?
20:22Something's coming into the asteroid.
20:24It's a probe.
20:25It's approaching half a click east.
20:27Half a click east.
20:29Switch out all the lights.
20:31Good thinking.
20:32They'll think we're all out.
20:37Things get really tricky.
20:38We'll get Crichton to open the airlock
20:40and tell them we've moved.
20:43It seems to be backing off, sir.
20:45They're coming back.
20:47Look, we've got to get a battle plan.
20:49Astronav, space school stuff.
20:51Rimmer, is that something you can handle?
20:53Pardon?
20:55Is that something you can handle,
20:57the responsibility of coming up with a battle plan,
21:00all that strategy stuff?
21:02Why me?
21:03Cos you're into military strategy.
21:06If it was a curry-eating competition to the death,
21:08it'd be me.
21:10If it was a towel-folding competition to the death...
21:13Oh, that would be me!
21:20I'd win that one, sir.
21:22And what kind of competition to the death
21:24would it have to be before you chose me?
21:26So, moving on.
21:29Can you do it?
21:31Yes, of course I can do it.
21:33Obviously.
21:35You don't sound very confident.
21:37I'm very confident.
21:38I've waited my whole life for this moment.
21:41Command of my own ship in a battle against overwhelming odds.
21:45It's your moment of destiny.
21:47Right.
21:48I'll just make my way into the supply room
21:52and think of a plan, then.
21:54It'll be just like taking an exam.
21:58I can do this.
22:03Sir, surely there must be an alternative.
22:06If there was Kryton, we'd be doing it.
22:09We're smeg.
22:12Any joys, sir?
22:14Not yet, no.
22:16I'm still at the can't-think-of-a-plan stage.
22:20Well, I don't know if this will help, sir,
22:22but I've done a ship-wide search
22:24and collated all the weapons we have on board ship, sir.
22:28Good, Kryton.
22:29I was just about to suggest that myself.
22:33I'm afraid I can't do it, sir.
22:35I'm afraid I can't do it, sir.
22:37Good, Kryton.
22:38I was just about to suggest that myself.
22:51Two forks and a pencil sharpener.
22:54Now, there is a rumour
22:56that there's a stick and some string, sir.
22:59But I don't want to raise false hopes.
23:02There is, of course, Hoagie's Molly Dee.
23:08The molecular destabiliser.
23:11I'll leave it with you, sir.
23:18It's driving me crazy cooped up in there.
23:21Thought I'd take a break and come in here.
23:28I love the string game.
23:31You've thought of your plan yet?
23:33You can't think of anything, can you?
23:36I just love the string game.
23:39You know why?
23:40Because you're an idiotic cat?
23:42No.
23:43Why you can't think of a plan, dummy?
23:45Because you're driving me crazy, that's why.
23:47Uh-uh.
23:48There's a demon messing up your head.
23:51Yes, you.
23:52No, your father.
23:54My father's dead.
23:56No way, non-bird.
23:58His worthless, skinny ass lives on inside you,
24:02freezing your soul with fear.
24:07How do you know all this?
24:09You think awesome good looks and rock-hard pecs are my only qualities?
24:13I'm a cat.
24:14I sense things.
24:16You've got to nail that demon and kick his sorry ass out of town.
24:20How?
24:21The only thing keeping him alive is you.
24:23You're never going to win over that dude's approval.
24:25Give it up.
24:26Let it go.
24:28Hey, look how it's moving.
24:32I love the string game.
24:35Stop moving!
24:44Anything?
24:46Nothing.
24:49What are you doing?
24:52I'm going to play this.
24:54Your father's message? But why, sir?
24:56If I play it before I've become the person he wanted me to become,
25:01it means I don't care what he thinks anymore.
25:05It means I'm free of him.
25:18Arnold, it's me.
25:20If you're playing this message, it means you're an officer in the Space Corps.
25:25You've achieved your dreams, you're a man of significance and substance,
25:29so this won't matter to you now.
25:31Arnold, I'm not your father.
25:39But that's impossible. It's not true.
25:42Look inside yourself and you'll know I speak the truth.
25:46Your father wasn't me. It was Dungo, our gardener.
25:54But he was a babbling imbecile.
25:56A million-piece jigsaw suddenly falls into a beautiful place.
26:04No, from now on, your family line isn't made up of Austrian princes and French royalty,
26:10but of lame-brained artisans and pram-faced trollops.
26:16I didn't tell you before because I didn't want it to affect your self-esteem,
26:20but now you've achieved all your dreams, it doesn't matter a jot.
26:25Goodbye, Arnold. Good luck.
26:29P.S. Naturally, I won't be sending you any more birthday presents.
26:35Hmm.
26:52This is the worst thing that can happen.
26:54Mr Room has always had a huge ego and no self-confidence.
26:58Now his ego's smaller than a pixie's right nuts after an icy bath.
27:04Well, you know, he thought he came from a military family.
27:07High flyers, success ingrained in the very core of their DNA.
27:11Now he discovers he's no better than me.
27:14What a nightmare.
27:19I think I've got something.
27:21What? How?
27:23I've been thinking.
27:25If Dungo... I mean, Dennis...
27:29I mean, Dad...
27:31were here now, he'd be so proud.
27:34Second technician in the JMC, senior officer in a mining ship,
27:38and I don't smell of manure.
27:42Suddenly I don't have that voice in my head telling me I'm useless at everything.
27:46I have a new voice telling me how proud he is.
27:50I can think, and I think I've got a plan.
27:53It's crap.
27:55I have to admit, sir, I'm not entirely convinced myself.
27:59I thought it was quite clever.
28:01Let's take a vote.
28:03Who's against?
28:09LAUGHTER
28:11Take a look at this colour.
28:13Is it purple, blue or green?
28:16It's a musical instrument.
28:19True or false? True?
28:26It'll work!
28:28Jiu-jitsu style.
28:30Use the might of your opponent against himself.
28:34Are you quite sure, sir?
28:37We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
28:40Apart from pain.
28:42And maybe humiliation.
28:44And obviously death and failure.
28:46But apart from fear, pain, humiliation, failure, the unknown and death,
28:51we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
28:55Who's with me?
29:00I know I need to work harder on that fear speech.
29:03It wasn't quite as rousing as it should be, but we can do this!
29:07He's right. Let's do it.
29:10Let's do it! Come on!
29:12Come on! Get your butts in the air and let's go!
29:15Bring them forks. We might need them.
29:19There! My dominator, they're emerging from the meteor.
29:26How's it looking? Is it all going to plan?
29:29Nothing in sight, sir.
29:33Oh.
29:49We're surrounded.
29:5112 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 3 o'clock.
29:54The death ship and three annihilators.
29:57Keep them in line. It's absolutely crucial.
30:00Right, open comm channels. Here goes.
30:03Open, sir.
30:05This is 2nd Technician Arnold J Rimmer of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
30:10Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention,
30:13we claim the freedoms and privileges of prisoners of war.
30:17Ha! Load the photon mutilators.
30:20Perhaps you didn't hear me. We're surrendering.
30:24Mutilators loaded, Your Excellency.
30:27You can't open fire on a surrendering ship.
30:30That's a scandalous breach of the niceties of battle.
30:34All ships, prepare to fire on my orders.
30:38Right. You're on report, Mulatto.
30:43Fire!
30:47Fire!
30:53Blow us up all you like,
30:55but don't think for one second you're getting away with it.
30:58A letter worded in the strongest possible language
31:01is going off to Geneva.
31:03No, I'm not going to ask you again. Abort your attack.
31:09Right, that's it.
31:12Dear sir,
31:14I was scandalised earlier today
31:17by a simulant death ship
31:19which contravened Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention.
31:27Impact 60 seconds.
31:29It's the way of all things.
31:32You live, you die.
31:35But sometimes you live, you die,
31:38and then you live again.
31:40I know. I've done it myself.
31:43Now!
31:50They've destabilised their whole ship, all four bulkheads.
31:54Look out!
32:09I don't think there's been a collision, of course, sir.
32:16Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention,
32:19we claim the freedoms and privileges of prisoners of war.
32:24Sorry, I missed that. Pardon?
32:38No!
32:52Hooray!
32:56Good job, sirs.
32:58Hell of a job.
33:00You know what this makes me?
33:02A working-class hero.
33:05A working-class hero, you and me both?
33:08Crichton, set a course for Red Dwarf.
33:12The slime's coming home.
33:36I walk through the lines
33:38Shipwrecked, take all my time
33:40Drinking bread, bagels and juice
33:44Goldfish, straws
33:46Standing on my toes
33:48It's fun, fun, fun
33:51It is fun, fun, fun
33:56Fun, fun, fun
33:59It is fun, fun, fun
34:05It is fun, fun, fun
34:10What did I tell you? We got out of that OK.
34:13Just like we got out of that thing with a highly corrosive microorganism.
34:17Once again, big arm saves the day.
34:20Oh, please, sir, can we sort this out once and for all?
34:23Just because you happen to...
34:25You killed my brother.
34:34Red Dwarf