• 6 months ago
Transcript
01:00Oh
01:30Oh
01:36Who the hell are you
02:00Oh
02:14Welcome back online, sir
02:18How are you feeling not good, I don't know who I am
02:22Where is this place? Oh, you have a touch of amnesia. That's not uncommon after a prolonged period in deep sleep
02:29You have been out for over 200 years
02:32200 years. Well, I tried to wake you up in the spring, but you absolutely insisted on another three months
02:40I've just been preparing your breakfast tray
02:43These cornflakes have got grated raw onions sprinkled on them. That's how you like them, sir
02:51The orange juice is revolting that's not orange juice sir, that's your early morning pick-me-up chilled vindaloo sauce
02:58I
03:00Drink cold curry sauce for breakfast. Well, it depends on your mood if you wake up in the afternoon
03:05You generally prefer to start the day with a can of last night's flat lager
03:08That's why you sleep with a tea strainer next to your bed so you can sieve out these cigar dimps. I
03:14Drink and I smoke and I have cold curry sauce for breakfast. That's like some barely human grossed-out slime ball
03:21Oh, it's all flooding back. Is it sir?
03:24No, none of it is
03:27Perhaps this will help your personal artifacts
03:31Christine Kachansky you dated her once for three weeks before she discarded you for a catering officer. She's beautiful
03:38It's your ambition sir somehow someday to win her back and then lie on top of her and move up and down rapidly in that
03:45Curious way that humans find so agreeable personally. I prefer partnership wist
03:50What I play guitar do I have a head shaped like an amusing ice cube
03:58Go ahead chuck out a few power chords see if anything comes back
04:06Yeah, the X-man is back
04:10Some patronize me I can't play guitar
04:13Anyone the half an ear can tell that so I'm gonna play the guitar
04:18Anyone the half an ear can tell that sir, as soon as your personality is fully restored
04:22You will firmly believe you can play the guitar like the ghost of Hendrix
04:27Is there something good you can tell me about myself something
04:32laudable
04:33laudable
04:34Hmm, you sometimes help me out with my laundry duties by turning your underpants inside out and extending the wear time by three weeks
04:43I'm an animal
04:44I'm a tasteless uncouth mindless tone-deaf Randy bloke ish semi-literate space ball. Oh
04:51Welcome back. Mr. Lister sir
04:55What's that that's mr. Rimmer sir, this is his light be
05:03He's a hologram Rimmer he's my best mate isn't he sir you sick
05:11Maybe a touch of the synaptic enhancer will do the trick
05:15Oh
05:24Initiating boot-up sequence downloading physical form
05:36Access personality banks load arrogance
05:42Load charisma
05:45Oh
05:48Load neuroses
05:52Download memory
05:57That Rimmer
06:07Nice cornflakes nice and oniony give us that Tabasco sauce just needs a bit more pepper
06:15Oh
06:19Congratulations, sir, you're well on the way to full recall next thing, you know, you'll be convinced you can play the guitar can't play the guitar
06:26I'm a diva man. I can be that lump of wood sing like a like a Yukon bear trapper on his annual visit to the brothel
06:35That's his maybe bud but the deal stays the same I know I know if I want to strum my guitar
06:39I've got to put on a suit and do it in outer space
06:43I
06:44Suggest we start debriefing. Mr. Rimmer. Thank you Crichton now gentlemen as we are all aware
06:49We have lost red dwarf. This is not the time for small-minded petty recrimination
06:55The time for that is when we get back to earth and Lister is court-martial
06:59Lose it. Come on Lister. You're the one who parked it
07:03You're the one who can't remember which planetoid you left it around the same as little blue-green planetoids blue-green and planetoids
07:10There is no advantage in finger-pointing we didn't lose red dwarf red dwarf was stolen from us by persons or life-forms
07:17Unknown who would steal a gigantic red trash can with no brakes and three million years on the clock
07:23rogue droids genetically engineered life-forms
07:26figments of mr. Lister's imagination made solid by some weird
07:31Who knows the important thing is that after 200 years of following their vapor trail? We have them
07:37What you mean they've been forced to make a massive detour to circumnavigate this asteroid belt
07:43However starbug is small enough to negotiate its way straight through the middle for the first time for two centuries
07:49We have the opportunity to head them off at the pass as it were and recover Holly Crichton
07:54You're forgetting about space tour directive one seven four two one seven four two
07:58No member of the Corps should ever report for duty in a ginger toupee
08:02Well
08:05Thank you for reminding me of that regulation sir, but I
08:08Can't see how it's pertinent to our present situation one seven four three then
08:11Oh, I see no registered vessel should attempt to transverse an asteroid belt without deflectors. Yes God. He's pedantic remember check out the supply situation
08:20your holograms on battery backup
08:23Oxygen for three months water if we drink recycle seven weeks, and where's the vault we're down to our last 2,000 poppadoms
08:31Big time you know how unstable those belts are rogue asteroids meteor storms one direct hit on that
08:38Plexiglas viewscreen and our innards will be turned inside out quicker than a pair of list as all underpants
08:44We're going in I recommend the cat pilots with his superior reflexes and nasal intuition that will give us our best chance
08:50Oh for pity's sake
08:52One breach in that holland where people patty
08:55It's better to live one hour as a tiger than a whole lifetime as a worm
09:04There's an old human proverb whoever heard of a worm skin rug
09:18Yes nice stick work man
09:21Something's coming nothing on the Navicom. I can smell it
09:25Something big I'm getting nothing either these nostrils never lie
09:29He's right coordinates five three four one by six one six three
09:34Take a peek gentlemen. There's a meteor bigger than King Kong's first dump of the day
09:40It's steaming straight towards us
09:42It's far too fast to go around reverse thrust. There's no time face it. We're deader than corduroy right
09:49You know what to do. I'm on my way, sir
09:52You tell me what he's doing
09:54He's customized the waste disposal unit fill ejections with rocket fuel and turn it into a kind of high-impact garbage cannon
10:00You're going to try and shoot that out of the sky with tin cans and banana peel
10:03It's a little surprise in the middle famous a nitroglycerin
10:07Waste disposal unit armed and ready sir frightened will this work?
10:11lie mode
10:13Of course it'll work sir. No worries
10:16Hook line sinker rod and copy of angling time, sir
10:20Here it comes ready Crichton fire
10:30Relocating red dwarfs vapor trail at present speed and course estimated time to interception 12 hours 7 minutes check out your screens
10:37I'm getting something new and it does not smell good
10:39I'm getting something new and it does not smell good
10:43There got it. Looks like some kind of ship
10:46There's another one. I'm not there. I'm getting them to 10. No 12 old Derenix
10:52It's like this is a giant spaceship graveyard
11:00Does anyone else got the feeling we've been led here like lambs at the kebab shop
11:03We're not moving another inch till we find out what brought those ships down recommend we stop engines and launch scouter engine stop scotter launched
11:24What's that?
11:26Human remains wait angle up five degrees
11:30across ten degrees
11:32There some kind of writing on the floor p s I are e and s
11:41sirens
11:42The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death throes using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines
11:50Who would do that?
11:51Someone who badly needed a pen
11:56What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a false start
12:03I don't think he meant to do that. It probably just plopped out
12:08Whoever he was clearly he was desperate to warn any other poor wretches who might wander into the same deadly trap
12:18Scout is located the black box. Okay replay final entry
12:25They're closing in they're all over the ship, I know I'm next it's just a matter of time before
12:33Oh my god, you're beautiful. I can't resist you be strong. I know what you want
12:41No, no you don't you don't want to love me you want to suck up my brains without straw like you did the rest of
12:47Them get away from me
13:02I
13:21Okay
13:22Look scouts has checked out black boxes on three of the derelicts
13:26This entire belt is swarming but some kind of genetically engineered life-form who can alter your perception telepathically
13:33The call sirens like with Ulysses in the ancient Turkish legend. I believe the legend was Greeks
13:39Whatever some country big on Kaylee shoes and humus
13:43They use this part of illusion to lure you on to the asteroids and they strip the ship of whatever they can use
13:50And then suck out your brains. They shouldn't bother us then. There's barely a snack on board
13:56We we can't turn back now, sir, we'll lose Red Dwarf look we'll be through the belt in three maybe four hours
14:03We're just gonna stay on the case
14:04They'll try and tempt us scared us break our morale anything to force us down to the rocks
14:10incoming message
14:12It's pretty weak
14:16Please help us our settlement is almost extinct. There are only women left
14:223,000 of us
14:23We are to survive. We need males to spread their seed amongst our number
14:28We beg you
14:30Make love to us make love to all of us. You heard him
14:36I'm gonna apply
14:38You guys deal with the siren thing. I'll deal with this
14:42Call me paranoid, but you don't think they would he siren dude things, do you?
14:49Even the brunette
14:52If anyone wants me I'll be taking a cold shower in liquid oxygen
14:57Well, if that's the most sophisticated enticement these sirens can throw at us
15:02I hardly think we're exactly in danger of being bewitched if I may postulate sir
15:05That was merely the level of sophistication of the siren
15:08If I may postulate sir, that was merely the level of sophistication required to lure the cat and it worked
15:14Had we not been here to stop him
15:15He would now be on one of those asteroids crawling around without a brain trying to write
15:19Oh boy, was I suckered with his own intestinal tract?
15:24Income a message here they go again
15:33Pioneer we're under attack some form of scavengers
15:38sirens
15:39They loot us under this godforsaken asteroid killed most of the crew
15:46Is this genuine
15:51Don't try to help us we're finished save yourselves
15:55Kachansky
15:56Dave is that you?
15:58Thought you were dead. No time to explain. We're overrun get out of the belt while you can
16:04Kachansky
16:05We'll be
16:06They'll never take us alive I've been keeping back three bullets one for me one each for the two kids kids
16:14You're two sons Dave
16:18When you went into stasis I broke into the sperm bank back on Red Dwarf you're a father
16:24Here they come Jim Bexley come to mummy. Wait, don't do anything. I'm coming in crying bazooka
16:31He's in a political list a tune into sanity FM
16:35I'm saying they were sirens. Of course. It's as plain as a Bulgarian pinup
16:42More troubling than setting straight for us. What is it?
16:44What do you call one of those giant meteorites that are all covered in flames a giant flaming meteorite? That's it
16:53Should I load the garbage cannon sir
16:55It wouldn't make a dent plot course change engaging really wait. There's nothing on the radar
17:00So I think it's another illusion what sirens cat are you getting any scent from that meteorite I didn't even know they had a duty-free
17:08shop
17:10No suggest we maintain present course that fireball does not exist say you're wrong sir
17:16I'll stick my reputation on it right and you haven't got a reputation. No, but I'm hoping to acquire on from this escapade
17:22It's closing in too late to run. Relax gentlemen. You're quite safe
17:31Smug mode. Well, I
17:35Can't hang around here saving your next old day, I guess I'll go and make a start on that ironing
17:42I'm getting another one
17:45Better get cracking. He'll know what to do. I'm perfectly capable of dealing with a giant flaming meteorite
17:50Thank you. So very very much indeed
17:52II we do not need to enlist the help of a domestic droid with a head shaped like a genetically flawed lumpfish
17:58Okay, keep your head John, so what do we do? Well, there's nothing on the radar. It's another illusion. We do nothing
18:05Yo guys, what's happening?
18:07Kevin temperatures rising
18:09Sirens again. It's another illusion. It's all in hand
18:12What if the fireball is real and this time the radar readouts the illusion gentlemen relax. We're quite safe
18:28A
18:36Couple of the sensors are out the fuel intake chambers are both flooded and the left pilot seat doesn't go up and down anymore
18:44Starbuck was built to last sir. This old babies crashed more times than a zx-81
18:50It's what it's made of
18:52Back in the 22nd century aerospace engineer discovered that after a plane crash
18:56The only thing that always survives intact is a cute little doll. So they made Starbuck out of the same stuff
19:02Is that a fact?
19:04Can't you so gullible?
19:06Thanks
19:08Take off again. Oh just a matter of it
19:10Oh, wait, the front landing stanchion is embedded in rock up to the joint
19:13We're gonna have to get out there and blast it free
19:16I'll go sir
19:17The atmosphere is very thin besides this place is likely to be crawling with sirens train you look after the engine
19:22How about they're being brave two minutes maximum?
19:35On my way back
19:37Hi, Dave
19:39Smacking out
19:42Remember me
19:44You lusted after me all through your puberty
19:53Stay back Pete Francis sister. I know what you want. It's pink and it's moist and it's in my head and that's where it's staying
20:02You want to squeeze my buttocks together to make one juicy giant peach I
20:10I get it time at me drowning my own drool
20:15Stay back Pete Francis sister
20:21Since you made love to a woman I admit it's been a while
20:26It's been over three million years Dave I prefer to count in ice ages then it's only four
20:32Ice ages hardly even one
20:35That's a long time
20:39For a man of your dry. It's a long time for an Albanian Shepherd who's allergic to wool
20:48Can't resist you anymore feature into sister
20:52Your death be exquisite. I'll take you to the peak of ecstasy
20:57And then I'll blow your mind
21:09Oh
21:24Come on Dave, let's get out of here Dave
21:28a
21:38Couple of sirens whacked you that out fighting over me brains
21:43It's the TV where the girl from Channel 27
21:48Easy Crichton, you can't see what she's doing with their pointy stick
21:51I'm starting the engines get back in here now on me way
21:59It's me
22:01It's getting pretty hairy out there crying
22:05What the hell are you doing taking off when I'm still outside
22:08I'm afraid sir. You're already here. He's a siren Crichton. Don't let him in
22:17What are we gonna do we can't tell which is which we've got to let him in then
22:21We'll definitely have a siren on board a brain-sucking psychotic temporal lobe slurper
22:27Chance we've already got one on board. We can't risk killing. Mr. Lister. We've got to let him in
22:36How many times he's the siren and I'm how can you believe this it doesn't even look like me
22:43He's podgy
22:45Profile
22:49Try some tests
22:56Both right-handed correct Crichton now then gentlemen trim your toenails
23:13Play the guitar what here inside play it
23:26Oh
23:38How did you know that wasn't me cuz that dude could play
23:44That's the way you believe you can play sir
23:46That's why when the siren read your mind he shared your delusion that you are not a ten-thumb tone-deaf talentless noise polluter
23:53Seriously saying you think he was better than me
24:03See what's the difference little survival tip bird never play your guitar in front of a man with loaded gun I
24:10resent this I
24:12Resent you saving my life in this way
24:16Where's it gone, it's crawled down into the engine room
24:21A meteor storm off a starboard bow into biggie. I suggest you two man the cockpit. Mr. Rimmer and I will pursue the siren
24:29That's quite a good plan frightened excellent in all but one small detail. I think you know what it is, but
24:50Please
24:54There is no logic in trying to engage me in combat
24:57I am unseducible in that I have no desires or lusts and my brain is synthetic and consequently of no use to you
25:04Give yourself up
25:06Professor mammoth my creator
25:10Hello, what is the function of this illusion? You cannot harm me. It's coded into every cell in your body
25:16You're totally defenseless against me a true. However, the others are not so hampered
25:21You're also programmed to obey my every command
25:25drop
25:27Open the waste compactor. What are you doing?
25:35This serves no engage the mechanism
25:46The
25:50Leach's storm was another illusion. The sirens not as badly injured as we thought frightened
26:02Crichton
26:09My batteries going I've only got a few seconds left. I need a recharge
26:17I
26:24Want a drink buddy, I'm parched. It's a mini. What's a vendor machine doing the engine room?
26:46I'm almost annoyed
27:16That's
27:20It we're clear of the belt
27:22What about Red Dwarf? Well according to the navicomp, it's gone into that gas nebula. Then that's where we're heading
27:31Cheers man
27:33Suggest you don't put it on the console sir. It leaves those ugly ring marks
27:36Why not use me as a table? I thought you were gonna go away and fix yourself
27:40Not before I finished all my duties, sir
27:42I can't go gallivanting off operating my self-repair unit
27:45Not when there's a pile of laundry in the washroom the size of the north face of the Eiger
27:50Besides the cat has invited me to join him in the weekly crap game tonight. He's gonna be the dice
27:58Approaching nebula
28:12Oh
28:42You