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AmusantTranscription
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07:40 [Rires]
07:42 [Rires]
07:44 [Rires]
07:46 [Sonnerie de téléphone]
07:54 - Yes?
07:56 - I'm an engineer.
08:03 - Wouhou!
08:05 - I'm an executive recruiter. Did you know that as an engineer you can get a better job at another company with your own personal climbing wall, complimentary Tai Chi classes and unlimited cappuccino?
08:14 - And I can get $20,000 for making this phone call?
08:17 - Our company newsletter says there are no jobs at other companies. If we leave here we'll die a slow and horrible death.
08:23 - It's all described in this sidebar.
08:25 - Ha ha ha! No, no, they're just saying that.
08:28 - We have a security breach. It's a headhunter. I'm tracing his call. Got him.
08:33 - Can you dispatch him in the usual way? - Very good, sir.
08:36 - Hello? Hello? Hmm, I must have lost the connection.
08:42 - Yes, but the damage is done. They've heard about the outside world.
08:46 - Maybe we could bribe them to stay. You know, give them one of those...
08:49 - Uh, you know, what are those, uh...
08:52 - Climbing walls? - No, no.
08:54 - Tai Chi classes? - No!
08:55 - Cappuccino makers? - Uh-uh.
08:56 - Increase in pay? - Yes, that's it!
08:59 - I love guessing games. What number am I thinking of? Ah, never mind, it's a letter.
09:04 - No, no, it's not that serious yet. That's absolutely a last-ditch measure.
09:08 - First, let's try promoting one of the engineers to management.
09:11 - This will give them all a false impression that they have a "career path" with this company.
09:16 - But who, upon whom, shall we bestow such a lofty mantle?
09:20 - What did he say? - He said "who".
09:26 - This darn machine never works! Nobody ever fixes it!
09:29 - There's your new manager.
09:36 - Should we give him the silver?
09:39 - Nah!
09:42 - Dilbert, I've decided to promote you to management.
09:50 - What? Why? I didn't do anything wrong. At least, nothing that you know about.
09:55 - It's our way of showing the engineers that there is a career path at this company.
10:00 - No need to go sniffing around on the outside.
10:03 - I don't want to be a manager. - I'm trying to do something nice for you.
10:06 - Well, stop it! I don't like it. - All right, you drive a hard bargain.
10:09 - I shouldn't do this, but I'm assigning you an assistant.
10:13 - How about that? Let's hear you squawk now.
10:15 - I don't want an assistant. I don't need an assistant. I just want to be an engineer.
10:19 - Think of it as a perk. No need to thank me.
10:22 - Alphonso! Dilbert, this is Alphonso, your new assistant.
10:28 - Yeah, can I take the rest of the week off? I have allergies.
10:31 - You just started. - Ooh, crack the whip.
10:35 - Old Zink, I thought you were dead.
10:40 - Technically, yeah, but I need the money, so I keep working.
10:44 - I got the strangest call today.
10:46 - Some guy claimed there are jobs for engineers outside this company.
10:50 - I think he was a nut.
10:52 - Oh, there are engineering jobs outside this company, all right. I seen 'em.
10:57 - Really? - Those other companies, they treat an engineer like a prize pig.
11:01 - I'd like to be treated like a prize pig. I've always wanted to wear a ribbon and oink.
11:06 - But I don't think I could ever find another company that didn't insist I actually work.
11:10 - I have a pretty good arrangement here. - It doesn't hurt to try.
11:14 - That hasn't been my experience. Whenever I try, it hurts.
11:18 - I know, I know, you got me. That's just something I say.
11:22 - And you know what else? A watch pot does boil. I tried it.
11:26 - Maybe I should at least go to some interviews. It'd be nice to have someone treat me with respect.
11:30 - They'll whine and dine you and tell you how wonderful you are.
11:34 - Then you can turn 'em down before they make you work.
11:36 - Wow, it's like being a pretty woman. I've always wanted to be a pretty woman.
11:41 - More than a prize pig. - You don't get it, do you?
11:45 [Telephone ring]
11:47 - Don't look now, but there's something following you.
11:51 - That something is my new assistant. I forgot his name.
11:54 - And so it begins.
11:56 - Assistant? Engineers don't have assistants, only managers have assistants.
12:00 - Um, I got promoted to management. - You did?
12:05 - Not Wally or me? - Wally?
12:07 - All right, I use Wally's name to camouflage my own selfish ambitions.
12:10 - You want to be management? - I don't want you to be.
12:13 - You try to boss me around and they'll have to remove that assistant from you with forceps, you got me?
12:18 - Well, looks like someone got promoted to management. There but for the grace of God.
12:25 - I don't see why he gets an assistant and we don't.
12:29 - I thought you were my assistant. - I am not your assistant.
12:33 - I just do all the work that you don't do because you're too lazy to do it and otherwise it wouldn't get done.
12:37 - It's a fine line.
12:39 - As God as my witness, I will have an assistant someday.
12:44 - Make sure you get a good one. I don't want someone doing a bad job on your work that was originally my work.
12:49 - Wally, you're a real original. But just for the heck of it, let's see if we can make a copy.
12:55 - Guess not. Paper jam!
13:03 - Hey, is it okay if I bring my piano to work? - No, that is not okay.
13:08 - Somebody else brings it in and I just play it. How about that?
13:11 - You're supposed to be helping me, not making my life a burden with your annoying requests.
13:16 - Well, excuse me for not having a written job description. I believe that's your job to give me one.
13:21 - You're my assistant. How hard is that to understand? You assist me.
13:25 - If you told me to stick my head in a pile of manure, I wouldn't do that.
13:28 - That wouldn't be assisting me.
13:30 - Oh yes, you're right, you're always right. I'm just the assistant.
13:33 - Okay. - What if a piano just sort of showed up? Would that be okay?
13:37 - No piano! Is this a bad time to talk about a raise?
13:41 - I want you to make Ashuk my assistant.
13:46 - If I made Ashuk your assistant, it would destroy his tiny ego.
13:50 - So you'll do it? - I'll need more than that. Help me help you.
13:55 - All right, let's see. It would breed resentment throughout the entire employee population?
14:00 - Uh-huh. Nice. You make a strong case.
14:05 - Are you thinking? - No, I'm toying with you. All right, I'll do it. On one condition.
14:10 - Name it. - I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him.
14:14 - Deal.
14:32 - Hi, I'm an engineer.
14:35 - Code blue. I repeat, code blue.
14:38 - Yes, a company jet. What else?
14:46 - Hmm, did I say llama? - Yes.
14:49 - Did I say a company jet for my llama?
14:52 - Would you consider sharing your company jet with your llama?
14:55 - Share a jet with a llama? That's crazy talk. I'm out of here.
14:59 - I'm so sorry. Yes, yes, jet for your llama.
15:02 - Stop moving your head around so much.
15:05 - Well, the paperwork is done. You're my assistant now.
15:09 - What? - Read and weep.
15:12 - No!
15:17 - Who wants to start the weekly status reports? - I will.
15:23 - This week I discovered a glorious world outside this company.
15:26 - A world where engineers are treated like gods. - No, you didn't.
15:29 - Yes, I did. Despite what you read in the company newsletter,
15:32 - engineers are in high demand at other companies. - No, they aren't.
15:35 - I would have taken another job, but negotiations broke down over one point.
15:39 - They expected you to work? - Exactly.
15:42 - Fortunately, I was too clever to fall for the old bait and switch.
15:45 - But I kept the llama. - And what is your name again?
15:49 - It's, uh... Alan. - Alan.
15:52 - OK, qui est le prochain? - J'ai passé toute la semaine
15:56 - à gérer mon nouveau assistant. "Thursday", par exemple,
15:59 - a été consacré à notre débat sur l'effet de la coupe de cheveux
16:02 - avant que vous puissiez prendre un jour malade pour vous réparer.
16:05 - Je disais qu'il fallait sécher une artery. - J'ai passé la semaine à faire un chouk à mon assistant.
16:08 - Mon statut n'a pas d'importance. Je suis seulement un assistant.
16:11 - Alors, laissez-moi dire.
16:14 - Vous n'avez pas fait de travail cette semaine?
16:19 - Ne me dites pas que vous êtes aussi dans ce bandwagon.
16:22 - La semaine prochaine, j'ai beaucoup à faire.
16:24 - Maintenant que j'ai le meilleur assistant au département...
16:27 - Je ne sais pas. Mon assistant est capable.
16:30 - Votre assistant est pathétique.
16:33 - Il n'est pas pathétique.
16:35 - Mon assistant peut vaincre votre assistant à tout moment,
16:38 - partout. Juste nommez le temps et le lieu.
16:41 - Est-ce vraiment une bonne idée? - Qu'ai-je dit avant?
16:44 - Tout ce que je fais est une réflexion sur vous.
16:47 - Peut-être que vous aimeriez avoir un petit débat.
16:50 - Peut-être que je le ferais.
16:53 - Deux assistants entrent, mais il n'y en a qu'un qui sort sans marque.
17:04 - J'ai peur.
17:06 - Si vous gagnez, vous pouvez avoir le piano dans l'office.
17:09 - Vous savez les règles.
17:12 - Vous réalisez que je n'ai jamais voulu avoir un assistant.
17:22 - Moi non plus. Mais je ne pouvais pas tomber sur vous.
17:25 - Je suis déçu de l'admettre, mais je me sens pareil.
17:28 - Je pense que nous sommes tous pétits. - Je pense que nous le sommes.
17:31 - Oh, bien. Commencez!
17:35 - Oh!
17:38 - Je vous marquerai tellement mal,
17:41 - pas si je vous marque d'abord.
17:44 - Comment vous aimez être un manager?
17:58 - Je n'accomplis rien, sauf de jouer avec les vies des innocents pour m'amuser.
18:02 - C'est mon deuxième favori.
18:05 - Je peux revenir à être ingénieur?
18:08 - Je pense que j'ai fait mon point que les ingénieurs ont un chemin de carrière.
18:11 - Il y avait un point à tout ça? - Comment ça?
18:14 - Vous vous appelez un assistant?
18:17 - Vous êtes tirés! Revenez à être un intern!
18:20 - Oh, merci.
18:23 - Je pense que nous avons tous appris une leçon valable cette semaine.
18:26 - Pas moi. - Je n'ai appris pas à garder un lama dans mon cubicle.
18:29 - Vous voulez dire que ce nouveau délire n'est pas vous?
18:32 - Non, nous avons appris que ce ne sont pas des pertes ou des promotions qui nous gardent au travail,
18:35 - mais de la loyauté et de l'amour de notre travail.
18:38 - La passion que nous, en tant qu'ingénieurs, nous approchons chaque jour...
18:41 - Gilbert, Gilbert! - Oui?
18:44 - J'apprécie vos sentiments d'amour.
18:47 - Et avec cela en tête, je réduis votre salaire,
18:50 - je coupe vos bénéfices et je vous augmente vos heures.
18:53 - Tout le monde, retournez à la boule! - C'est exactement mon point.
18:56 - Je ne m'en fiche pas. Je ne m'en fiche pas.
18:59 - Je ne m'en fiche pas vraiment.
19:02 - Nous avons un autre problème de sécurité.
19:08 - Cette fois, un employé nommé Alan.
19:11 - Je n'ai pas compris le dernier nom.
19:14 - Avez-vous immédiatement tué tout le monde nommé Alan?
19:17 - Tout de suite, monsieur.
19:20 - Attendez un instant! Mon nom est Alan!
19:25 - Est-ce que quelqu'un d'autre a perdu son appétit?
19:28 - Absolument pas. - Non, pas moi.
19:32 - Moi non plus!
19:35 - Je ne m'en fiche pas.
19:38 - Je ne m'en fiche pas.
19:41 - Je ne m'en fiche pas.
19:44 - Je ne m'en fiche pas.
19:47 - Je ne m'en fiche pas.
19:50 - Je ne m'en fiche pas.
19:53 - Je ne m'en fiche pas.
19:56 *Musique*