Codependency in Families | Dr. Frieda | MomCave LIVE - video Dailymotion

MomCave

Hey MomCave Live listeners, get ready for a dose of wisdom wrapped in laughter as we welcome the incredible Dr. Frieda Birnbaum to the mic! Today, she's breaking down the nitty-gritty of coping with codependency, turning therapy into a comedy party where self-discovery meets giggles. So, buckle up for a rollercoaster of insights, laughs, and aha moments with the one and only Dr. Frieda, because who says unraveling emotional knots can't be a blast?  Get the book here: https://amzn.to/3uzzu5N (affiliate link)    SUBSCRIBE NOW http://goo.gl/QSV97m    Join our email list for exclusive content, new videos, giveaways, and free nannies. (Okay, that part's a lie...): http://eepurl.com/SJxVj  ⚡️Follow us on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MomCaveTV  us on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/MomCaveTV Pin with Us: http://www.pinterest.com/MomCaveTV  Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/momcavetv Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@momcavetv Our blog/giveaways: http://www.MomCaveTV.com   Find the MomCaveTV App on: Amazon Fire - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0BH3JHQZS Apple TV - https://apps.apple.com/us/app/momcave/id6443647663 Android TV: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=quickcast.tv.mom_cave Roku - https://channelstore.roku.com/details/6f6be4b40df791dc95eb1ab5ee7b32d8 Binge Networks: https://trybinge.tv/programs/momcave?category_id=179492 Airy TV: https://live.airy.tv/Airy_TV_3/39_MomCaveTV  Our Amazon Storefront: https://www.amazon.com/shop/momcavetv  See Dr. Frieda's MomCave LIVE episode where she tells her story of being the OLDEST AMERICAN to ever give BIRTH to TWINS at Age 60 here: https://youtube.com/live/-ztABcbeuX8 --------------------------------------------------------- Excerpt:  Jen:  Welcome to MomCave LIVE where we may have lost our minds, but we haven't lost our senses of humor. And we haven't learned how to use technology as much as we should. I'm Jen and our guest tonight is Dr. Frieda. There she is. Hey, Dr. Frieda.  Dr. Frieda:  Hi, welcome. And I'm telling you I love your introduction, because it really takes me away. I love it. It's such a it's such a great scene and everybody gets together and argues and has conflict. And then they go and they're like the perfect little family. You know, we've  Jen:  Well, it's just because if you hear that, I slammed the door, the mom slams the door because she can't take anymore. We go in our mom cave. And sometimes that's the only way to get any quiet. Right.  Dr. Frieda:  A mom cave So that needs to be part of the housing theme.  Jen:  Right definitely. If you all haven't met Dr. Frieda, before she was on a previous episode we did which is fascinating. Because she's known as the oldest woman in America to have given birth to twins at age 60. So your superhero first of all, yeah. But that's not we're going to talk about tonight....  To read more visit: https://www.momcavetv.com/codependency-how-to-cope-dr-frieda-momcave-live/

Transcript

00:00 (phone ringing)

00:00 (children shouting)

00:03 (upbeat music)

00:07 - Welcome to MomCave Live,

00:14 where we may have lost our minds,

00:16 but we haven't lost our senses of humor,

00:18 and we haven't learned how to use technology

00:20 as much as we should.

00:22 I'm Jen, and our guest tonight is Dr. Frida.

00:25 There she is.

00:26 Hey, Dr. Frida.

00:28 - Hi, welcome.

00:28 I'm telling you, I love your introduction,

00:31 'cause it really takes me away.

00:33 I love it.

00:33 It's such a great scene,

00:36 and everybody gets together and argues and has conflict,

00:39 and then they go,

00:40 and they're like the perfect little family.

00:42 - Well, it's just because, if you hear,

00:44 I slam the door.

00:46 The mom slams the door 'cause she can't take anymore.

00:48 We go in our MomCave,

00:50 and sometimes that's the only way to get any quiet, right?

00:52 - I see MomCave,

00:53 so that needs to be part of the housing thing.

00:56 - Right, definitely.

00:59 If you all haven't met Dr. Frida before,

01:01 she was on a previous episode we did,

01:04 which is fascinating,

01:06 because she's known as the oldest woman in America

01:09 to have given birth to twins at age 60,

01:12 so you're a superhero, first of all, yeah,

01:14 but that's not what we're gonna talk about tonight,

01:18 so go find that if you wanna hear about that,

01:21 but tonight, in her capacity as a therapist,

01:23 a psychoanalyst, Dr. Frida is gonna help us out

01:27 on the issue of family dysfunction,

01:30 which we all have, and codependency,

01:32 so first question, it's a really simple question.

01:35 I've always heard this term, codependent.

01:38 What the heck does that actually mean?

01:40 - And I hate to say this,

01:42 because most of us are codependent on someone,

01:47 and it gets us into trouble,

01:49 because then we complain that we're being controlled.

01:52 No, we're starting it.

01:54 We're asking for it, especially women.

01:57 I want you to tell me what to do, what do you think,

01:59 and then they complain, I'm getting a divorce,

02:01 you're controlling, you're too much, I can't take it.

02:04 Well, duh, you started it,

02:06 so we need to be responsible for our behavior,

02:10 but basically, what it means is that you don't have boundaries

02:14 that you feel you have to be responsible for somebody else,

02:20 and again, we're going back to gender identification.

02:24 It all starts when you're a child.

02:26 We can blame everything on our parents

02:28 and not take responsibility, which in a way-

02:31 - Isn't it all their fault?

02:32 I think it's all their fault.

02:33 - It's all their fault, but today,

02:35 we can't even blame our mothers anymore,

02:37 because they're saying that fathers are the ones

02:41 that children really role model after, not the mothers,

02:44 so therapy needs to change.

02:47 Stop blaming your mothers, come in and blame your fathers.

02:49 - Yeah, just blame both, but once you become a parent,

02:52 then you have a little more, at least I do,

02:54 I'm like, ugh, I'm gonna stop blaming them,

02:56 'cause somebody's gonna be blaming me eventually.

02:59 - Oh, yes, but you know, the healthy part,

03:01 and then we'll get back to the topic,

03:03 is that it is healthy to blame your parents

03:05 while you're with your parents,

03:07 so teenage rebellion is actually good for you,

03:10 'cause otherwise, you do end up going through therapy

03:12 'cause you have repressed emotions,

03:14 so my twins will not need therapy, I assure you.

03:18 - Neither will the 13-year-old

03:20 who you may hear stomping around upstairs at any moment.

03:23 - I love it, that's being in a natural environment.

03:26 - Okay.

03:27 - So we're getting back to codependencies,

03:30 and what is it all about, and I was saying

03:33 there's a lot of gender ID, the way a young girl

03:37 has been brought up more in the past to serve,

03:40 and then she grows up as an adult and she serves,

03:44 and a young boy is taught to go out into the world

03:47 and to prove himself, so he's not as dependent

03:51 as this girl who's saying, here, am I good enough?

03:54 I'm doing this, I'm doing that, I'm serving.

03:56 Today, hopefully, research has shown

03:59 that when fathers look at their young girls,

04:03 not when they're achieving puberty

04:06 and getting this attention, this sexual attention,

04:10 and supports their athletic abilities, tennis,

04:14 their grades in math and in school,

04:18 then we won't have this codependency issue as much,

04:22 basically, with women, and 60% of students,

04:26 guess what, in college, are females.

04:29 So that's, yeah, so that's really changing.

04:32 So as women are more educated,

04:35 have more higher status careers,

04:37 they're going to be more independent

04:41 and relationships will be equal.

04:43 So we're brought up to feel guilty,

04:45 we're brought up to feel that, God forbid,

04:47 if we do anything, that other person's gonna fall apart

04:51 and die without us.

04:53 Then, the other stage of it is there's this red flag

04:57 that these people manipulate you to take care of them.

05:01 So, you know, the topic lately has been gaslighting,

05:05 and then, you know, with therapy, whatever,

05:07 and these people gaslight you, they're narcissistic,

05:10 and they want you to take care of them.

05:12 They want you to be selfless.

05:15 So they're not so innocent in this,

05:16 and we all find our familiar territory.

05:20 So we often marry someone, we end up with somebody

05:23 similar to who we had as an opposite-sex parent,

05:26 and we say, "Okay, I couldn't do anything about that

05:29 "then, I was a child, they were the authority.

05:31 "Now, here's my chance, I'm gonna do it."

05:34 So then we repeat the same thing,

05:36 we're stuck with the same thing again,

05:38 and we don't know how to get out of it

05:40 because we feel that something horrible,

05:43 if we're not responsible and take over,

05:46 that that person is not capable of doing it.

05:49 So we lose our sense of self, our self-esteem,

05:53 we lose our direction of who we want to be,

05:58 what we want to be.

05:59 I'm looking at myself, wow, what a mess.

06:01 But, you know, basically,

06:03 - Say.

06:04 - Basically, that's really, that really defines

06:09 what you are, who you are.

06:11 So don't pick a partner that you're going to try to fix

06:16 and make up for what you didn't have as a child.

06:19 And that's something so common,

06:22 and we do it on an unconscious level,

06:25 and we spend the rest of our lives

06:26 trying to make that difference

06:28 with that person who never asked for it.

06:31 And then we blame them for all the things

06:33 that happened to us before,

06:35 who they had no idea about.

06:37 - And they're doing the same to us,

06:39 so it's just a big mess.

06:41 - That's true.

06:42 And so, you know, here you are at the end of the day,

06:44 you're trying to unwind,

06:46 complain about whatever's going on,

06:48 and then you're caught, as you're saying,

06:49 in this web of back and forth,

06:53 of this familiar feeling that's not,

06:56 that's dysfunctional, but comfortable for you.

06:59 - Interesting.

07:00 - So there's a comfort in dysfunction,

07:03 because it goes back to something that you know

07:06 that there's a fit for you.

07:09 And often, if somebody has it all going,

07:12 and is emotionally healthy,

07:13 you may feel threatened that you won't be good enough,

07:17 that that person is more evolved than you,

07:21 is in a better place than you,

07:24 won't want to take you along.

07:26 And so, as you said, it's this web,

07:28 and that other person actually keeps you in bondage,

07:33 which means that they don't remember

07:37 when they're acting out,

07:38 they don't remember when they're doing anything selfish,

07:41 they won't go to therapy,

07:42 'cause of course they don't want to change,

07:44 why would they want to go to therapy?

07:46 And so, all this of, you're the one that's making it up,

07:50 it's your problem, but after a while,

07:52 people say, you're not the same,

07:54 you don't look the same, you don't act the same,

07:56 and you lose concept of who you are,

07:59 and your friends and your relatives,

08:01 because the person you're with does not really want you

08:04 to be with your friends and relatives,

08:06 because then they can't manipulate you the same way.

08:09 So you're caught here, and it's very, very scary

08:13 when you're in this situation, because guess what?

08:16 You end up finding somebody like that again,

08:19 and then you wonder, why is it

08:21 I meet the wrong people all the time?

08:24 And you can't be with somebody

08:26 if you feel that that person is going to be all of you,

08:29 because that person knows that,

08:31 and takes advantage of it, 'cause you're very needy.

08:34 If you're with somebody who's part of you,

08:37 because you already have your life going,

08:39 you're already accomplished, you're already in a good place,

08:42 if you find, you know that, when you're in a good place,

08:46 everybody wants to be part of you.

08:48 If you need somebody, when you really need somebody,

08:51 then they back off, you know what I mean?

08:53 Just when you really need them,

08:55 then you don't get what you really want.

08:57 So this is, you know, the rules of life,

09:00 we do this in such a way that is

09:04 not, we don't think it through,

09:06 we're just acting it through.

09:10 So you need to start with a place of yourself, always,

09:14 a place of you finding out,

09:17 and the little time you spend on you,

09:20 you'll see that you're making much more of a difference,

09:22 and you'll be less codependent on another person.

09:27 - So you made the great point that, of course,

09:29 what would solve everything is if we didn't choose

09:31 this person in the first place,

09:33 but assuming we did choose a person

09:36 that we have this unhealthy relationship with,

09:38 and we're not wanting to not be around that person,

09:43 what can we do?

09:44 - You know, this is very difficult to do,

09:48 because when you're so committed to this role model,

09:51 it's like losing a sense of yourself.

09:53 It's like saying, I am not going to identify

09:56 with who I've been all my life, and that's very scary.

09:59 Will you be dropped?

10:01 Will you be alone the rest of your life

10:03 when nobody wants you, because you're not going to be true

10:07 to the image that you've been set up to be?

10:10 So that dependency issue becomes something

10:13 that gets you stuck.

10:15 Now, the only way to really do that

10:18 is it's like taking a plunge, a cold plunge,

10:21 and to go cold turkey, and say, okay, I'm gonna do this.

10:25 It's gonna be painful.

10:27 I'm not gonna be happy, and I'm really going to want

10:30 to go back to that other place automatically.

10:33 It's like, you know, hold me back,

10:34 'cause I'm coming through again.

10:36 No, don't do that.

10:38 Don't go over there, and after a while,

10:41 you'll start feeling what it is like to feel healthy,

10:44 because the problem is these people don't know

10:47 what the base core feeling of healthy is anyway,

10:52 so they're just used to that,

10:53 and once they get that sense of what that means,

10:57 then they start looking for someone

10:59 who's more like that person they've become,

11:02 and that has relationship,

11:04 and we're talking about codependency

11:06 not only in a relationship,

11:09 but we're talking about codependency at work as well.

11:12 You have to be careful that the people

11:14 that you are socializing with,

11:19 they don't know too much about you,

11:21 and not to be too vulnerable,

11:23 because you wanna have a powerful image.

11:25 You want people to listen to you.

11:27 If they hear your weak point,

11:29 they're gonna walk away.

11:30 You're gonna forget what you said.

11:31 They're gonna remember everything,

11:33 so be very careful about friendships at work.

11:36 Don't muddle the line between

11:41 what your responsibilities are,

11:45 because after a while,

11:47 when responsibilities are set up,

11:49 and you say, "Oh, well, what's good for you,

11:51 "and what is it you want, and what makes you happy?"

11:53 You'll be left in the dark.

11:55 You'll have resentment,

11:56 and that business relationship

11:59 will also be affected and dwindle because of it,

12:03 so you have to really know

12:05 where to set boundaries for work as well.

12:07 - Yeah, and so, well, we've talked about

12:11 romantic relationships.

12:12 We've talked about work relationships.

12:13 What about parent-child relationships?

12:16 How do you navigate a sort of

12:20 codependent parent-child relationship?

12:23 - That's very difficult,

12:24 because you have to think about

12:26 what does it mean to be a good parent?

12:28 Do you have qualities where the child

12:33 is the one that tells you what they need,

12:36 and go ahead and follow through,

12:38 or should you be a helicopter parent,

12:40 authoritative, and make all the decisions,

12:43 and I'm the one in charge,

12:45 and the bottom line is me?

12:47 But the healthiest way to be

12:49 is to have the child be supported

12:54 for what they want and directed in a healthy manner.

12:58 So it creates independence, not codependency,

13:02 where that child has confidence in making decisions,

13:06 because the scary part is, if they don't,

13:08 other people will be making it for them

13:11 that's not necessarily a good thing.

13:13 So that's really for codependency,

13:15 to have an independent child.

13:18 Actually, helicopter parenting

13:20 makes a very dependent child,

13:22 because the child can't do anything.

13:24 It reminds me when my kids were in elementary school,

13:27 and they had to do some kind of billboard

13:29 or something that looked,

13:33 the whole thing looked great, it looked horrible,

13:35 but they did it, and I took it to school.

13:37 And I said, "God, will they even know what this is?"

13:39 And then everybody came with something,

13:43 like a professional artist did it,

13:45 and I guess they did hire a professional artist.

13:48 And I said, "I can't believe this,

13:49 because these parents were competing against each other.

13:53 So how are these kids gonna do any,

13:55 how are these kids gonna learn anything or grow?"

13:58 Because that's when you overdo it.

14:01 So you can't just say, "It's all yours,"

14:03 'cause that's really lazy parenting.

14:06 But I liked what I was listening to,

14:08 that they're screaming, and the husband's saying,

14:11 and all the dogs barking, and all that stuff.

14:15 But you know, what I like about the beginning

14:17 of this segment, believe it or not,

14:19 is that everybody has a voice.

14:21 Everybody's, think about it.

14:23 - We have some loud voices in this family.

14:26 - We think about this perfect family.

14:30 There's a problem brewing under there

14:31 if there's a perfect family, because life has issues,

14:35 and there's always gonna be something.

14:36 Somebody said something, something happened,

14:39 you didn't do well, whatever that is

14:41 that we get bothered about that we forget about anyway.

14:44 So I love that, because that's a slice of life,

14:47 and when you can be that person and speak up,

14:50 then there aren't codependency issues,

14:52 because everybody has a voice, no matter how difficult it is.

14:56 Now my son, when he was fixing this,

15:00 it's a good thing you didn't hear what he was saying.

15:02 I said, "You better watch what you're saying,

15:04 because if they hear you, they're really gonna think

15:06 I'm incompetent with this stuff, which I am."

15:09 So, you know, as I said--

15:11 - Even an expert has parenting struggles.

15:14 - Are you kidding me?

15:15 When they come to my office, he will tell them,

15:19 "Why are you coming to see her?

15:20 She doesn't know what she's doing."

15:21 I'm like, "I don't know."

15:23 So he speaks up, but you know, it all trickles back

15:27 to who you are and how you integrate what's happening to you

15:31 and knowing the truth about it.

15:33 And so when we get to codependency,

15:35 it's really about having the ability to give

15:41 through your own wisdom, through your own knowledge,

15:45 and then people will really grow.

15:48 But if you give because of their neediness,

15:51 their victimization, their inadequacies,

15:55 how far can you really go?

15:56 You're starting very, very low.

15:58 And then what happens with that,

16:01 the relationship becomes one where that so-called victim

16:05 makes you more of a victim,

16:07 because you're prey to what it is their need,

16:10 they're the ones that are getting taken care of,

16:13 and you're left alone and you're not the one.

16:16 So don't think, because if you're codependent

16:20 and you're giving because you feel guilty

16:22 or fear something's happening to that person,

16:25 don't think that you're doing anything

16:28 that that person really needs you for.

16:31 What you're really doing is stripping yourself of having...

16:35 (phone ringing)

16:36 Speaking of stripping yourself,

16:38 I told my husband I have a show.

16:40 (laughing)

16:41 And he doesn't silence the phone, never.

16:43 Is this smart or what?

16:45 That's quite okay.

16:47 Hey, we're-

16:48 I've been there a long time, this is it, it's over.

16:51 Okay, I was gonna ask you, how do you know when it's over?

16:53 It's when the phone rings and you're on a Zoom.

16:55 When the phone rings, when you know that,

16:58 when you have, it's interesting, 'cause I love what I do.

17:01 And the reason, one of the reasons I love it,

17:03 'cause he will not bother me.

17:05 I'm on a show, I'm on a podcast, I'm on the radio, leave.

17:10 Wow, he goes, I finally heard.

17:13 Hey, how long have you been married, Dr. Frida?

17:16 How long do you think I've been married?

17:17 And don't look at the way I looked at it,

17:19 oh my God, all these, I'm gonna go back to work.

17:23 30 years.

17:24 50.

17:25 Oh my goodness, that's a whole other topic, 50 years.

17:29 That's another topic.

17:30 That's amazing.

17:31 Yeah, but-

17:33 Guess what, I'm going to interrupt you.

17:34 Yes.

17:35 If you keep growing and you keep changing,

17:40 'cause that's what life should be,

17:41 otherwise what do the years mean anyway?

17:44 It's like a drop in the bucket.

17:47 It's like nothing. Really.

17:48 Because you keep evolving, you keep changing.

17:51 I'm not the same person he met.

17:53 No. When I was in my 20, 20.

17:56 Yeah, I made a TikTok once

17:59 and a lot of people disagreed with it.

18:01 I've been married 20 years now.

18:03 And I said, no-

18:05 Think of me and don't think, don't be afraid of that number.

18:07 Okay, but you know how people will say,

18:09 well, we're breaking up

18:11 because we're not the same people anymore.

18:14 And I'm like, how can you be?

18:15 If you meet someone when you're one age

18:17 and it's 20 years later, you better be different people.

18:20 And that's the challenge,

18:21 is learning how to keep being different people together.

18:26 That's the tough part.

18:27 Do you know the truth is that the double standards

18:30 of 50s and 60s maybe even, were very boring.

18:34 And men had their own separate life.

18:37 They were unfaithful, they were bored

18:40 because women stayed at home

18:41 and waited for the man to come home and bring excitement.

18:45 So who wants to be with somebody

18:46 who's waiting for you to bring something?

18:48 You want somebody to share the excitement.

18:51 It's two people bringing joy together

18:54 than one person being responsible.

18:57 So it really wasn't great for the man either.

18:59 That the man had the responsibility, not only financially

19:03 but to keep everything afloat, to make the decisions.

19:06 Even if a child wasn't behaving, they would say,

19:09 "I'm gonna tell your dad, I'm gonna tell your father.

19:12 When he comes home, watch out."

19:14 The poor guy had to do everything.

19:16 And then on top of that, we blame them for everything too.

19:20 It was all their fault.

19:21 So, when we're looking at really how men and women behave

19:27 and what a healthy relationship is, you need to change.

19:31 It's the opposite of what your friend said.

19:33 You need to change to make it exciting.

19:36 And you need to sometimes even take turns

19:39 when one partner's doing something.

19:41 I put my husband through law school when we were married.

19:43 He helped me with my career after that,

19:46 after he became an attorney.

19:47 Because at my time, it was, you know,

19:50 when are you having children?

19:51 And not what are you doing?

19:53 - Right.

19:54 - My father and mother would say,

19:55 "When you marry somebody, that's when you'll have a life.

19:58 Till then, no life, no nothing."

20:00 So you have to wait, you know,

20:01 depends what your husband does.

20:03 So, you know, but I was jealous.

20:05 I said, "Well, what about me?

20:06 I'm gonna stay home."

20:07 And I remember one scene, I'm home,

20:10 and I have the baby, my first child,

20:14 and with the food in a jar, baby food.

20:18 - Yeah.

20:19 - And he has a three-piece suit on.

20:21 He's wearing his attache case.

20:23 He's ready to go to work, and I'm jealous.

20:25 You know, I'm eating baby food

20:26 while he's gonna have lunch out with his friends

20:29 and have a good time.

20:30 So I said, "Wait a minute, this has to stop.

20:33 I'm gonna go in a whole different direction."

20:35 And which I did.

20:37 I'm happy to say. - That's fair.

20:38 - But I wasn't called to get back into it.

20:41 - Right.

20:41 - I'm grappling stuff.

20:43 I wasn't called dependent,

20:45 and I wasn't looking to be liked by him.

20:47 I said to myself, "I have to have a life.

20:50 If he fits into it, rather than me fitting into his life,

20:55 then this has a chance."

20:57 And ever since then, he's been fitting into my life

21:00 with everything I've been doing,

21:02 and proud and supportive.

21:04 And so it's fun.

21:05 It's really a lot of fun,

21:06 because you can't be threatened

21:08 what the other person's doing.

21:10 Now I'm thinking of a show idea.

21:13 - That's another one we've gotta work on.

21:15 Well, it sounds like you've found a way

21:18 to make yourself happy while still being a great mom

21:22 and still being a partner that could negotiate.

21:26 - It's about negotiation, I feel.

21:29 A lot of negotiation in marriage, for sure.

21:33 - No, we're selfish.

21:33 We have to have it all.

21:35 We're not greedy.

21:36 It's just that if you don't have one,

21:37 another part is missing.

21:38 I'll let you talk.

21:39 - That's true.

21:40 - I just interrupted you.

21:41 - No, I could talk to you all night,

21:43 but of course I hear running around teenager upstairs.

21:46 I want everybody to check out Dr. Frida.

21:49 She has her own podcast.

21:50 She's written a couple of books,

21:52 which I put in the comments,

21:54 and we're gonna have to talk again

21:56 because you always have such interesting insights.

21:59 You can continue to leave comments.

22:01 - It will be done next time, I promise you.

22:04 - No worries.

22:05 Thank you so much.

22:06 Have a great night.

22:06 - Love you.

22:07 My pleasure.

22:08 Always a pleasure seeing you.

22:09 You look fabulous, by the way.

22:10 - Thanks, you too.

22:11 Bye-bye.

22:12 Bye, everybody.

Codependency in Families | Dr. Frieda | MomCave LIVE

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