Taskmaster S16E03 || Taskmaster Season16 Episode2
Category
📺
TVTranscription
00:00 *musique*
00:25 *applaudissements*
00:35 Bonjour à tous, je suis Greg Davis et c'est Taskmaster.
00:38 J'espère que vous ne vous en souciez pas, mais j'ai pensé que j'allais prendre cette opportunité
00:40 pour répondre rapidement à quelques questions des membres du public.
00:44 Voici la question.
00:45 Je regarde le show de retour ? Non.
00:46 Mon déclin physique me dérange profondément.
00:49 Je porte ces chaussures de ma choix ? Non.
00:52 C'est un point de format de nouveauté, forcé sur moi par ceux plus excités par la contribution de l'excentricité.
00:58 3. Est-ce qu'Alex est en fait taille ? Non, il est juste au-dessus de 5 pieds.
01:02 4. Pourquoi continuez-vous à l'insulter ?
01:04 Parce qu'il a eu une vieille éducation et cela l'a rendu faible.
01:08 Maintenant, les questions sont terminées.
01:10 Prenons quelques-unes plus pertinentes.
01:13 Qui sont les 5 choses qui danseront à travers le feu de l'endurance olympique cette semaine ?
01:18 Je vous le dis, c'est...
01:20 Julian Clary !
01:22 Lucy Beaumont !
01:24 Sam Campbell !
01:27 Sue Perkins !
01:29 Et Susan Wacoma !
01:32 Et Susan, à côté de moi, un homme qui m'a privément dit que si c'était à lui,
01:38 l'Etat de Scandinavie serait physiquement séparé du Royaume-Uni et flotté dans le Nord.
01:44 Pour me le dire, on verra bientôt combien ils veulent de l'indépendance
01:47 quand tout ce qu'ils doivent manger, c'est du shortbread.
01:50 C'est...
01:51 Alex Hall !
01:53 Je suis très occupé en ce moment.
01:59 J'ai été demandé de faire les lumières de Noël en Cheshire, où je vis.
02:03 Ah oui ? Oui !
02:04 Je les ai mises en place, je les ai stockées dans mon lit de dépense,
02:08 où je dormais, donc je suis maintenant dans la salle de bain.
02:11 Et Russell Grant les a mises en place.
02:13 Bien. Allons maintenant à la tâche de prix.
02:15 Oui, s'il vous plaît. Je suis là, vous gros pauvre.
02:17 Et aujourd'hui, vous avez demandé de me donner le meilleur signe.
02:22 Le meilleur signe obtient 5 points, et le gagnant de l'épisode
02:24 prendra 5 signes, et c'est moi qui signerai.
02:26 Susan, bienvenue à la show.
02:28 Bonjour.
02:29 Vous avez un super signe ?
02:30 C'est le signe...
02:32 de...
02:33 de Coq, Pond, Clapham Commons !
02:35 Voici-le.
02:40 Il y a quelques années, j'étais née à Londres,
02:42 mais je ne connais pas vraiment Londres.
02:44 Alors j'ai commencé à aller sur des marches de Londres,
02:46 c'est quand tu te lèves très tôt le dimanche,
02:49 et tu suis normalement un acteur en colère,
02:52 autour des bouts de Londres,
02:54 et il y a un tour de marche où tu vas
02:56 et que tu regardes des signes mousses autour de Londres.
03:01 Et c'est l'un de mes favoris, car je suis une enfant, apparemment.
03:05 Oui.
03:06 J'aime Coq, Pond.
03:07 Merci.
03:08 Tu peux me le citer.
03:09 Non, merci.
03:10 Sue, Pond full of Coqs, can you beat it ?
03:15 C'est un signe d'une institution de télévision
03:19 très connue et aimée.
03:20 Voici le signe de Sue.
03:22 Tu te souviens que la BBC a vendu les studios de télévision ?
03:26 Je me souviens.
03:27 C'était un jour terrible.
03:28 Une décision terrible.
03:29 Et j'ai filmé le dernier pilote là-dedans.
03:31 OK.
03:32 Le jour où c'était fermé.
03:33 Quand on est sortis, c'était comme le jour de la fin.
03:37 Les gens prenaient des signes,
03:39 les pochaient,
03:41 et c'était comme les assets de la BBC
03:43 qui se faisaient encore encore.
03:45 Et je me suis dit que c'était terrible.
03:48 Je ne pouvais pas...
03:49 Je vois les signes,
03:50 et Claudia Winkleman me dit
03:52 "Je vais te donner un bon coup."
03:54 Elle m'a donné un boost,
03:57 je l'ai cassé,
03:58 elle a pris un des portes,
04:00 j'ai cassé le bouton,
04:01 et on a tombé dessus.
04:02 Pour être honnête,
04:03 Winkleman a écrit "Petit Thief" partout.
04:07 C'est un bon prix, ça peut te donner quelques points.
04:09 OK.
04:10 Sam.
04:11 Laissez-moi vous emmener de cette studio.
04:13 Nous sommes à la Librairie Britannique.
04:16 Wow.
04:17 Tu as écrit ça ?
04:19 Oui.
04:20 C'est assez irresponsable.
04:21 C'est bien, non ?
04:22 C'est super, Sam.
04:24 Faites attention.
04:25 "Piazza Slippery".
04:26 Ça a l'air d'un espion européen.
04:30 Faites attention, "Piazza Slippery".
04:32 C'est une mission très "Slippery".
04:36 Lucy, qu'avez-vous acheté ?
04:38 J'ai acheté un signe de pub.
04:41 OK.
04:42 Un pub pour la maison.
04:45 Quel pub ?
04:47 Le mien.
04:48 Le tien et le mari ?
04:50 C'est un signe de pub.
04:51 Je pense qu'il a un sentiment chaud.
04:56 Est-ce qu'il y a un propriétaire ou une femme
04:58 à la boutique ?
04:59 Moi.
05:00 C'est sympa, parce que si tu te fais boire,
05:02 parfois tu oublies que tu n'es pas dans un pub,
05:04 et puis...
05:05 Il y a eu une fois, j'ai passé un taxi,
05:07 et quelqu'un m'a dit, "Vous êtes à côté de votre maison."
05:10 C'est un pub.
05:12 C'est un bon signe.
05:13 Julian ?
05:14 Je pense que vous aimez ça.
05:16 C'est très enthousiasmant.
05:18 C'est un signe que j'ai vu dans la salle verte
05:21 quand j'étais au festival de littérature de Hull.
05:23 Un signe de pub ?
05:24 Vous êtes en bonne compagnie.
05:26 C'est un signe de Julien.
05:33 C'est un événement sans prétention.
05:35 Vous l'avez vraiment volé ?
05:39 Non, parce que l'artiste n'aurait pas su où manger.
05:42 Jésus Christ, c'est un rancunier.
05:46 Je vais faire ça en fonction des signes
05:50 que je veux prendre chez moi.
05:51 Je ne voudrais pas avoir deux posters.
05:54 J'ai rire, ça me semble vraiment cool,
05:57 mais je vais donner un point à Julian.
05:59 Désolé, Julian.
06:00 Un point à Julian.
06:01 Je ne veux pas prendre votre signe de pub,
06:03 car je pense que ça appartient à vous.
06:05 Non, j'ai pris.
06:06 Deux points.
06:07 Trois points à Sam.
06:09 Je veux vraiment ce signe de BBC,
06:12 donc je donne cinq points.
06:13 Et incroyablement, je donne Coq-Pond.
06:16 C'est un point de cinq à deux secondes.
06:20 Vous avez quelque chose de spécial ?
06:25 Oui, en fait, je dirais que c'est légendaire.
06:30 [Musique]
06:43 [Rires]
06:46 Oh !
06:47 Regarde ça !
06:49 Comment ça va ?
06:50 C'est plutôt bien.
06:51 Qu'est-ce que tu as pris ?
06:53 James Bond ne va jamais aller sur une mission
06:56 sans ses gadgets préférés.
06:58 Je ne l'ai jamais vu amener un mesure de tape à une mission.
07:01 Tu as mis seulement deux fois.
07:03 C'est mon moment Excalibur.
07:06 Peut-être.
07:07 Oh !
07:08 Je suis en fait assez bien avec la flèche.
07:10 Pourquoi ?
07:11 Parce que je suis allée à l'école de drame.
07:14 Je veux dire, pas de surprise, c'est la première ligne.
07:16 "Pull the sword from the stone."
07:18 Beaucoup ont essayé.
07:19 "You may not force the sword or break the stone."
07:23 "The champion is the one who releases the sword fastest."
07:26 "Your time starts...
07:28 now."
07:31 "Can I have the sword, please ?"
07:34 "Go on, give me the sword."
07:38 "This is amazing.
07:40 I feel like I'm in Dubai."
07:42 "Wow !"
07:43 "Surely, the rulers of Dubai will be thrilled
07:51 with that comparison."
07:53 "Susan, you seem a little apologetic
07:56 about the fact you went to drama school."
07:58 "Yeah."
07:59 "Is it a source of embarrassment for you ?"
08:01 "No, no, no, no, no.
08:02 I'm in enough debt because of it."
08:04 "No, it's absolutely fine."
08:05 "Yeah, well, it really paid off.
08:06 We could tell from your performance
08:08 of the Arthurian sounding
08:11 "Can I have the sword, please ?"
08:13 "Well, let's have a look."
08:14 "OK, then, and we're going to begin
08:16 with Luce B and Sue P.
08:17 Here we go."
08:18 "I mean, for form's sake."
08:20 "Urgh !"
08:21 "It hasn't come out."
08:23 "No, it's a magic sword."
08:25 "So, something releases the sword.
08:27 Well, could it be Lucy ?"
08:29 "Yeah."
08:30 "Beaumont."
08:31 "So, clues.
08:33 God, I love an old...
08:35 "Oh, my God, yes !
08:36 Join the Women's Institute, darling daughter."
08:38 "99-0."
08:40 "1000-B."
08:41 "That's just plain gibberish."
08:43 "None of it makes sense.
08:45 I like it when I just get to run around."
08:47 "You can run around."
08:49 "It won't do anything, will it ?
08:51 Can I ring somebody ?
08:53 Could I ring the Women's Institute ?"
08:55 "Let's hunt further."
08:58 "Thank you for calling the NFWI.
09:01 The Constitution-related inquiries..."
09:03 "I think it's that one.
09:05 I think it's the Constitution inquiry."
09:09 "Welcome to the messaging..."
09:11 "Oh, God !"
09:12 "Alex, would you pour this cracker for me ?"
09:15 "Oh, I'd love to."
09:16 "Thanks, darling.
09:17 One, two, three.
09:18 Yay !"
09:19 "Which comedian knows how to make their hair smart ?"
09:22 "Their hair's smart.
09:24 None of them."
09:25 "Is this relevant ?"
09:28 "What ? OK, ooh !"
09:30 "There's a cross.
09:32 I don't even know what part of the world that is.
09:34 Is that Africa ?"
09:35 "No."
09:36 "Is it Australia ?"
09:37 "No."
09:38 "America ?"
09:39 "No."
09:40 "Europe ?"
09:41 "It's somewhere in Europe.
09:42 I don't think I can tell you much more than that."
09:44 "He's got an 'er'."
09:45 "Wait a minute.
09:46 I see little letters."
09:47 "France."
09:49 "No."
09:50 "Netherlands."
09:51 "Uh-uh."
09:52 "Moldova."
09:53 "No."
09:54 "Croatia."
09:55 "Ah, no."
09:56 "Is it the UK ?"
09:57 "There's an 'e'.
09:58 There's an 'i'.
09:59 I feel like I've been James Bond."
10:01 "No, it don't count.
10:02 Really ?
10:03 Cornwall.
10:04 Devon.
10:05 Devon !
10:06 Devon !"
10:07 "You made me say every country in Europe."
10:11 "I didn't make you say anything, Sue."
10:13 "I've got a 'd'."
10:14 "So, 'd'."
10:15 "W."
10:16 "Err."
10:17 "I."
10:18 "E."
10:19 "C."
10:20 "M."
10:21 "B."
10:22 "And an 'i'.
10:23 I'm just trying to make a word with it.
10:24 Woody."
10:25 "Woody."
10:26 "Bed-w-e-m-b."
10:27 "E-w-e-m-b."
10:28 "E-w-o-d-d-e."
10:29 "Bed-w-e-m-b."
10:30 "Hmm.
10:31 That's not true."
10:32 "No."
10:33 "No."
10:34 "No."
10:35 "No."
10:36 "No."
10:37 "No."
10:38 "No."
10:39 "That's got a 'd-d'.
10:40 That's got a 'w-i'.
10:41 'Wid-e-widik' ? Have you had Josh Widdicombe on this ?"
10:46 "Oh, dear.
10:47 It's so stressful.
10:48 'Brrr.
10:49 Brrr.
10:50 Brrr.
10:51 Brrr.
10:52 Brrr.
10:53 Brrr.
10:54 Wim.
10:55 I'm going to want to go Widdicombe."
10:56 "Hello, Widdicombe.
11:07 How are you doing, Widdicombe ? Widdicombe ?"
11:16 "Widdicombe !"
11:17 "In the legend, what did he do once he had this, this horse ?"
11:22 "He ended up throwing it in a lake."
11:32 "I keep little quotes during the show.
11:34 I pop into the Taskmaster book of quotes,
11:36 and yours, halfway through the task, really made it straight in,
11:39 which was, 'I just like it when I get to run around'."
11:44 "I do, yeah."
11:45 "What tipped you over into Widdicombe ?"
11:47 "Why was it...
11:48 I'm Widdicombe."
11:49 "Widdicombe, it is.
11:50 Widdicombe."
11:51 "I don't know how I got to Widdicombe."
11:53 "Widdicombe."
11:54 "Widdicombe."
11:55 "Just, you know, after 15 minutes, she said,
11:57 'I think these are all clues.'
12:01 At 24 minutes, she said, 'Widdicombe,'
12:04 but she didn't pull the sword out till 28 minutes."
12:07 "Wow."
12:08 "So, my favourite bit of the whole thing is,
12:10 when you realise what the answer is,
12:13 how long it took for your brain to compute.
12:18 I could have just swam in that time."
12:22 "Do you want to know how long she took?"
12:23 "How long did she take?"
12:24 "Lucy did very badly, 28 minutes.
12:25 Sue, 33 minutes and 21 seconds."
12:28 "Wow."
12:29 "Most of it was that reaction."
12:30 "I was going to say, that's ten."
12:32 "Time for a break now, as my uncle Steve used to call it.
12:35 Get on the pot, it's plop o'clock.
12:37 Bye, Steve.
12:38 Hope the facility's OK.
12:39 Sorry I've never visited.
12:41 See you in a bit."
12:43 APPLAUSE
12:44 Hello!
12:55 Yes, welcome back.
12:57 It's part two and there's a sword in a stone which needs removing.
13:00 There is indeed, Greg, and only one name will release the sword,
13:03 the surname of a person Sue Perkins made four series of a panel show with.
13:07 Will Sam and Susan work out his name any quicker?
13:10 Let's find out.
13:12 Congratulations.
13:14 Thank you.
13:15 It's a little shoe that says Greg on it.
13:17 It's a little foot, yeah.
13:19 "Which chameleon knows how to make their hair smart?"
13:22 So that is absolutely not useful.
13:24 A lot of them are well-groomed.
13:26 Does that relate to anything?
13:28 "With diamonds come bears."
13:29 That is gobbledegook.
13:31 I don't know what that is.
13:32 "With diamonds come bears."
13:34 We all know that.
13:35 Is there a bear around?
13:37 All right, look at this.
13:39 Catherine Nolley's 1983.
13:42 What?
13:43 Catherine Ryan.
13:44 That's not got to do with hair.
13:46 Bob Mortimer.
13:47 Bob, that's hair.
13:48 People who have won.
13:49 Taskmaster.
13:50 It's who I'm looking for related to Catherine.
13:53 How am I meant to know that?
13:56 Ed Gamble.
13:59 Sophie Duker.
14:01 Bob Mortimer.
14:03 Still no.
14:04 Rob Beckett.
14:05 Richard Herring.
14:06 Catherine Ryan.
14:07 Noel Fielding.
14:08 Oh!
14:09 Is there a champion who's missing from there
14:12 that has won this show?
14:14 That just seems to be inside baseball.
14:16 You have to watch everything to know?
14:18 Comedian related to Catherine Nolley's.
14:23 Is that it?
14:24 Yeah.
14:25 Alex Horne.
14:26 At last.
14:27 Sucks.
14:28 Sorry.
14:29 Don't take that.
14:30 Don't edit.
14:31 Bleep that.
14:32 Which bit are we bleeping?
14:33 Bleep me.
14:34 Just blow me out.
14:35 Blow me out.
14:36 I don't deserve to exist.
14:38 Josh Whittaker.
14:40 I've stopped the clock.
14:48 Pass the time now.
14:50 Now has got a capital W.
14:52 Oh, W-I.
14:53 Oh, it's a word.
14:54 That's a MBE.
14:56 Can I have that as some of my letters?
14:58 Member of the British Empire.
14:59 Oh!
15:00 I know what it is.
15:01 Josh Whittaker.
15:02 Whittaker?
15:03 I've stopped the clock.
15:06 APPLAUDS
15:09 Now, that was a drama school performance at the end.
15:12 The holding a loft of the sword.
15:14 That was worth all that money, surely.
15:16 It was worth every single penny in three years of my life.
15:19 Fantastic.
15:20 What was your system to try and get to Whittaker, Sam?
15:23 You just have to just grab life.
15:25 Yeah, you listed all of the names of the people in those pictures.
15:28 And he actually worked out it was a winner of Taskmaster
15:31 who wasn't amongst those pictures, so he cracked it.
15:34 Can I just say I love weapons?
15:36 LAUGHTER
15:38 Next up, we've seen four of our five competitors,
15:41 but somehow there's still two left.
15:43 That's right, it's Julie and Clary.
15:45 I'm so sorry.
15:46 Oh, God.
15:47 Can I open the cracker?
15:49 Yes.
15:50 I found a little foot and it says Greg.
15:57 Greg.
15:58 BUZZER
16:01 No such luck.
16:04 BUZZER
16:05 LAUGHTER
16:18 That's a good question.
16:21 Nearly.
16:25 Rob Beckett.
16:28 Yes.
16:31 LAUGHTER
16:34 BUZZER
16:35 LAUGHTER
16:39 LAUGHTER
16:44 LAUGHTER
16:46 LAUGHTER
16:48 BUZZER
16:51 LAUGHTER
16:54 LAUGHTER
16:56 BUZZER
16:59 LAUGHTER
17:03 BUZZER
17:04 BUZZER
17:07 BUZZER
17:13 APPLAUSE
17:16 LAUGHTER
17:26 APPLAUSE
17:28 APPLAUSE
17:30 APPLAUSE
17:31 APPLAUSE
17:33 APPLAUSE
17:34 LAUGHTER
17:37 LAUGHTER
17:43 LAUGHTER
17:49 LAUGHTER
17:58 LAUGHTER
17:59 LAUGHTER
18:02 APPLAUSE
18:05 APPLAUSE
18:07 APPLAUSE
18:09 APPLAUSE
18:11 APPLAUSE
18:13 APPLAUSE
18:15 APPLAUSE
18:17 APPLAUSE
18:19 APPLAUSE
18:21 APPLAUSE
18:23 APPLAUSE
18:26 APPLAUSE
18:27 MUSICAL CHORD
18:34 Welcome.
18:51 Welcome.
18:52 To the lab.
18:53 To the lab.
18:54 You're going to repeat everything I say?
18:56 OK.
18:57 Oh, they're already going.
18:58 Uh-oh.
18:59 Oh, OK.
19:00 No time for hello and how are you today.
19:02 No niceties.
19:03 It doesn't say anything.
19:05 I'm just playing.
19:07 We'll make a cheeky picture on this piece of wood.
19:11 There.
19:12 Using nails and one continuous piece of wire.
19:16 So a cheeky picture.
19:18 Yes, please.
19:20 Also, if any egg timers stop, you must stare at the camera,
19:24 shaking your head for ten seconds.
19:27 Yeah, that one did stop, so, yeah.
19:30 LAUGHTER
19:33 The best cheeky picture wins.
19:36 You have 20 minutes.
19:38 Sorry, Sam, the blue one's just run out of sound.
19:40 Wait, what?
19:41 The sound's run out.
19:42 LAUGHTER
19:45 Best cheeky picture wins.
19:49 You have 20 minutes.
19:50 Your time starts now.
19:52 Hang on a minute.
19:53 So I need to do a cheeky picture with wire
19:57 and be looking at these guys?
19:59 I know. I said it's a nightmare, but Greg wanted it done.
20:02 OK, fair enough.
20:03 APPLAUSE
20:05 It feels pretty straightforward. Shall we just crack on? OK.
20:10 Oh, I'm so sorry about my alarm.
20:12 Do you know what time it is?
20:13 Yes, it's time for a montage.
20:15 LAUGHTER
20:18 OK, cheeky picture with nails.
20:20 I mean, we all know what it's going to be.
20:22 Can you draw a penis?
20:25 Can I draw a penis?
20:26 Like, cos that's cheeky, isn't it?
20:28 Oh, yeah, that's cheeky.
20:29 Are you drawing with a nail?
20:33 What else would you do to make a cheeky picture?
20:35 Ha! Ha! Ha!
20:46 No, that's not shaky. That's shaky.
20:49 Why is it always you?
20:56 Oh, man.
21:00 LAUGHTER
21:07 Any regrets about doing this series?
21:09 Well...
21:10 So you can't do that?
21:18 Ah, well, the sound has now stopped, so, yeah, you have to do it again.
21:21 You're an absolute piglet, Alex Horne.
21:24 I just want to get to the boobs now. Of course.
21:26 That's cheeky.
21:34 We've got the sexy dog, cos we're subverting stereotypes.
21:38 Well, cheeky is an interesting debate, I think.
21:53 What the go-to cheeky is.
21:55 Well, you said Sue. We all know what's getting drawn here.
21:58 Go to... Route one cheek.
22:00 What is route one cheek?
22:01 Cock and balls.
22:02 It's a classic, isn't it?
22:03 Yes.
22:04 Susan, you did say, "I just want to get to the boobs now."
22:07 Yes.
22:08 But then you threw in the curveball by saying,
22:11 "We've got a sexy dog, because we're subverting stereotypes."
22:16 Am I going to see a dog with a pair of boobs?
22:19 No, no.
22:20 No.
22:21 The boobs are separate to the dog.
22:22 Oh, what do you think cheeky is?
22:24 I think it's when you have your boobs out as you're feeding your dog.
22:28 It's cheeky.
22:31 It's cheeky and it's weird.
22:33 Time for a break now.
22:36 An opportunity to reflect, to consider one's mortality
22:42 and, crucially, exercise gratitude.
22:45 Or you could chug on a fruit-flavoured vape and phone for a pizza.
22:49 Both things are fun, it's up to you!
22:52 APPLAUSE
22:55 Welcome back to the third quarter of the show.
23:07 I'd like to see some cheeky art, please, Alex.
23:09 Of course you do, Greg, it's your sort of thing, you randy sod.
23:12 The first piece of art we're going to see is Julian's.
23:16 Julian, can you explain this?
23:18 Well, it was going to be a face and in the end it became a sperm.
23:24 Do you like it?
23:28 No, it's a solitary, deformed sperm, cheeky.
23:33 Something about that laboratory place,
23:35 I felt like I had gone there to make a deposit or something.
23:38 First cheeky picture, so do you think that's a good picture of a sperm, I suppose?
23:44 I do not.
23:47 I'm sorry if I haven't pleased you.
23:49 Let's have a look at Sam's.
23:52 It's more recognisable as a picture.
23:54 I think this is a really interesting piece, it just oozes with cheek.
23:58 This is having this beautiful golden hair and what a mane,
24:01 wasn't it just... Wow!
24:03 And yet this person keeps their hair secret with a giant hat
24:07 and the community have no idea.
24:10 No-one has seen this hair and that is cheekiness,
24:14 it's so convincing.
24:16 What's clever is, it's kind of cheeky for you to suggest that's cheeky.
24:20 Which I like.
24:22 You're a switched-on guy.
24:24 Well, Susan, I will have to explain a few elements of it,
24:27 but this is how it ended up.
24:29 On the left is a lady with, I hate to say this phrase, boobs,
24:35 pulling along a dog and a man.
24:40 Pulling along a dog and a dog, to use her phrase, is going a bit kink.
24:46 And then she's got a cheeky bit of ocean and a cheeky bit of hell.
24:51 The red represents...
24:53 How do you do that?
24:55 So I see cheeky lady, that's a cheeky tick.
24:58 Why is hell there?
25:00 Well, hell is here.
25:03 Cheeky devil, that's actually a phrase.
25:09 Thank God you can see the boobs, it's all right.
25:12 Shall we move on to a penis with wings?
25:15 I thought you'd never ask.
25:17 This is what Lucy did.
25:19 The sperm now is looking pretty good.
25:27 Like you say, now looking back, I'm disgusted with myself.
25:33 You know, and I don't think I've got the wings at all.
25:39 And finally, Sue Perkins, and this is more recognisable.
25:42 Cheeky.
25:44 Good.
25:46 If you were to take a bet with four hands,
25:52 who would be the person least likely to answer?
25:55 No-one's more shocked than I am.
25:59 It's a lovely attention to detail.
26:02 And I hope this is appropriate, a lovely girth.
26:07 I wanted to make it aspirational but attainable.
26:10 Yeah.
26:12 Here's all five of them.
26:14 Oh, God.
26:16 It's fairly easy to score this, isn't it?
26:18 Lucy, by her own admission, hasn't done anything, really.
26:21 It's just put a meaningless shape on a board.
26:25 Yeah.
26:27 One point to Lucy, well done, Lucy.
26:29 Two points, and he can thank me for it, to Julian's square single sperm.
26:33 Two to Julian.
26:35 Two to Susan's floating big-boobed woman and madness below.
26:40 Uh-huh. Now, then.
26:42 I don't know whether I, on this occasion, can separate
26:45 a blue penis...
26:47 ..and a lady saying, "Shh, I've hidden my hair from you."
26:52 I'm going to give them both five points.
26:56 OK, done. Five points for Sam.
26:58 APPLAUSE
27:00 Let's have one more task, please.
27:02 Here we go, Greg, and I'm afraid the naughtiness continues.
27:05 Ooh!
27:06 Hello.
27:18 It's going well.
27:20 Should I be looking up those things?
27:27 It's just what I would do.
27:29 There it is.
27:31 Well, is that the task, to look for secret tasks?
27:34 You can open the obvious task if you want.
27:36 That's just really passive-aggressive.
27:38 Make mischief.
27:44 Make mischief.
27:45 Secret task, secret task, secret task.
27:47 Most mischievous wins.
27:50 You have a maximum of half an hour.
27:53 The time starts now.
27:55 What does it mean?
27:57 I have unintentionally been making mischief all of my life.
28:01 Have you got an immediate instinct? Yeah.
28:04 Well, there's victim-based mischief, which I do like.
28:08 Wouldn't it be mischievous to say things that I'm not supposed to say?
28:12 Is that crazy? Like, "I love KFC!"
28:14 Like, cos you can't use that, cos that's mischief.
28:17 I think we can use that.
28:19 And then there's kind of, like, mischief that annoys a collective of people,
28:23 like running out into the road or something like that,
28:26 not in a sad way, but in a, like, a ha-ha way.
28:30 I'm going to steal things off people.
28:32 Car keys, socks,
28:35 not Bootsmaker,
28:37 a house.
28:38 I don't know why, but the first thing that came to my mind was a portcullis.
28:41 It's very hard to create in a living room.
28:43 Do I have to think in here?
28:45 You can think in private, Julian.
28:46 I'll see you when I've thought.
28:48 OK. Can I use your phone for a prank call?
28:54 I think everyone should know what mischief means.
28:57 But I am going to ask Sue why, when you think of mischief,
29:01 you think of a portcullis.
29:03 I always think, just lean into your first idea,
29:07 and that was the word that came into my head.
29:09 I'm going to create a portcullis.
29:11 Fine. Susan, the sentence, "Which I do like,"
29:15 made you look like a serial killer, just...
29:18 Your second idea was running into the road, but not in a sad way.
29:23 Yeah.
29:24 Is it like a "Wee!" way, rather than a "Ooo!" way?
29:27 Do you know what I mean?
29:29 If we watch you run into the road now, into traffic,
29:31 we'll see drivers going, "Mischief!"
29:34 I look forward to seeing the mischief.
29:38 OK. Will Sue Perkins find the secret task
29:41 instead of doing the actual task?
29:43 Will Lucy Beaumont steal a pacemaker?
29:45 Let's find out right now.
29:47 ...
29:55 ...
30:15 ...
30:28 ...
30:33 ...
30:40 ...
30:51 ...
31:04 ...
31:14 ...
31:24 ...
31:34 ...
31:44 ...
31:49 ...
31:54 ...
31:59 ...
32:05 Portcullis!
32:07 ...
32:12 ...
32:19 ...
32:22 ...
32:27 ...
32:32 ...
32:38 ...
32:44 ...
32:48 ...
32:52 ...
32:58 ...
33:03 ...
33:08 ...
33:10 Do you want to pop in there and shut the door?
33:12 In the toilet?
33:13 Yeah, probably lock it.
33:15 What are you playing at?
33:18 ...
33:20 ...
33:25 Oh!
33:26 "Stand up and shout 'mice!'
33:29 Whenever you see or hear mice,
33:31 sit down and whisper 'fish!'
33:33 Whenever you see or hear fish."
33:36 What?
33:38 "You've got 20 minutes and must stay in this room.
33:42 Your time starts now."
33:45 What the hell are you doing with that?
33:48 Mice!
33:50 Fish!
33:52 Mice!
33:56 OK.
33:57 Mice!
33:59 Fish!
34:01 Oh!
34:02 Mice!
34:04 Fish!
34:05 Ah!
34:06 Mice!
34:07 Mice!
34:09 Oh my God!
34:11 That's a seal!
34:12 Fish!
34:13 Mice!
34:14 Fish!
34:15 Fish!
34:16 Mice!
34:17 Fish!
34:18 What are you doing?
34:21 Are you drawing some fish?
34:23 Yeah.
34:25 Fish!
34:26 Fish!
34:27 Fish!
34:28 Fish!
34:29 Fish!
34:30 Fish!
34:31 Fish!
34:32 Fish!
34:33 Fish!
34:34 Fish!
34:35 Fish!
34:36 Fish!
34:37 Fish!
34:38 Fish!
34:39 Fish!
34:40 Fish!
34:41 Fish!
34:42 Fish!
34:43 Fish!
34:44 Fish!
34:45 Fish!
34:46 Fish!
34:47 Fish!
34:48 Fish!
34:49 Fish!
34:50 Fish!
34:51 I reckon I did really well on this one.
34:53 But did you have any idea that I'd snatch that
34:55 and start creating my own beasts?
34:57 And you invented the game?
34:59 I wanted it to be, like I said, like victim-based.
35:02 Yeah.
35:04 And you were the victim. I'm so sorry.
35:07 It was amazing.
35:09 But also just like, you know, lock her up!
35:13 I never spotted the mice.
35:17 Fish is an anagram of mischief.
35:19 Oh!
35:20 How deep does this go, Wakama?
35:23 Right, advert time.
35:25 Turn your TV off, kick the kids out
35:27 and make love to your partner now.
35:29 Hey, are there grandparents in the room?
35:31 Chuck a towel over their face. Enjoy.
35:34 Hello, welcome back to the last part of the show
35:48 where mischief is being made.
35:50 As per bloody usual.
35:52 Before the break, we saw Sam doing Susan's mischievous task for Susan
35:56 and now here's Sam doing Sam's mischievous task for Sam.
36:00 OK.
36:02 Time for the big prank...
36:05 Oh! No!
36:07 Oh! No!
36:09 HE GROWLS
36:11 Oh, my God! Oh, no! No!
36:15 HE BANGS ON THE DOOR
36:21 HE PANTS
36:23 Pretty mischievous stuff.
36:35 So, two things finalised, where the mischief is
36:43 and what the narrative of your performance was.
36:45 So he thinks I'm going to do a prank call.
36:47 Suddenly it's gone in the water.
36:49 He goes, "Well, surely he's not going to smash this thing to bits with a hammer."
36:53 Put to be an effective act of mischief,
36:55 you would have wanted Alex to think, "Oh, God, that's my phone."
36:58 I did smash his phone cover.
37:00 Did you think it was your phone that went...? Not once.
37:02 Not for a second.
37:04 Finally, it's the chief of mischief. It's Julian Cleary.
37:07 Dear Stephen, I think you're great.
37:10 Always happy and smiling.
37:12 I love all your shows.
37:14 Especially the one you do in car parks where you give strangers money.
37:18 Congratulations on Deal or No Deal.
37:21 It'll be the best.
37:23 Please, can I have a signed photo?
37:25 Thank you, Peter MacDonald.
37:27 HE SNIFFS
37:29 That's that one.
37:31 Dear Jacob Rees...
37:34 LAUGHTER
37:36 I think you're great and I hope you get to be Prime Minister.
37:39 It'll be the best.
37:41 You'll be the best since Thatcher. Thatcher.
37:44 I'm only young, but one day I want to be a politician too.
37:47 Please may I have a signed photo?
37:50 Thank you. I'll have to unthank you.
37:52 Best wishes.
37:54 Best wishes, Peter MacDonald.
37:56 HE SNIFFS
37:58 Mischief.
38:00 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
38:03 Your mischief is to falsely encourage two individuals
38:09 by sending a fan letter to Jacob Rees-Mogg and Stephen Mulhern.
38:14 Yes.
38:16 LAUGHTER
38:18 Why those two men?
38:20 I was amused by the idea that they'd write back.
38:22 That's where the mischief is.
38:24 Jacob Rees-Mogg did write back.
38:26 Are you joking? He genuinely did write back?
38:28 Mm-hm.
38:30 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
38:32 Oh, wow.
38:34 Stephen Mulhern didn't because we didn't put enough postage on the envelope
38:37 so your letter got sent back to us.
38:39 And that was the end of that trail.
38:41 Ah. Will you write back to him?
38:43 Well, I'll wait for the next full moon.
38:45 LAUGHTER
38:47 Something unspeakable may happen.
38:49 He's really mischievous.
38:51 He's brilliant.
38:53 OK, look, I'll give out some points. OK.
38:55 I'm only going to give Sam one point because of his phone nonsense.
38:58 Fair enough. One point to you, Sam.
39:00 Yeah. Lucy... I mean, I don't think it was necessarily her fault.
39:03 I think the whole production was a problem.
39:05 I'm going to give her two points.
39:07 OK, well done, Lucy.
39:09 I don't think there's any serious intent to upset Jacob Rees-Mogg
39:12 or Stephen Mulhern.
39:14 Therefore, three points to Julian.
39:17 OK. It was great innocence and mischief
39:20 in making you eat loads of lollies
39:22 and then trapping you with a pork cullet.
39:24 And let's never forget the cry of, "Pork cullet!"
39:28 from five-year-old Sue.
39:31 Four points. She gets four points. OK, well done, Sue.
39:33 The most mischievous was Susan.
39:35 So, five points to Susan.
39:37 Five points to Susan. Well done, Susan.
39:39 Let's have a quick look at the scores.
39:41 The winner of the match of 16 points, the leader at the moment,
39:44 is Susan Wacoma.
39:46 The Extramural Police head to the stage
39:50 for the final task of the show!
39:52 Hello there, Sam and Jim, who will be reading this task out?
40:01 This time, Sue Perkins shall read the task out.
40:04 Sue Perkins, take it away.
40:06 Write down one thing you like
40:09 and one thing you don't like.
40:12 You have 30 seconds.
40:14 So, you have a little whiteboard to your left
40:16 and a pen on the floor.
40:18 Something you like, something you don't like.
40:20 30 seconds starts now.
40:22 Nice and big, nice and clear.
40:27 That's the first part of the task done.
40:32 Oh, no! Now, Sue.
40:34 Please don't say "draw it".
40:36 Oh!
40:39 Oh, no!
40:41 Draw your two things.
40:44 At the same time, you must be drawing with both hands
40:49 and stare at the taskmaster throughout.
40:54 Best pair of pictures wins.
40:59 If we could have the thing you do like on your right-hand side
41:02 and the thing you don't like on the left, that would be nice.
41:04 Greg, it's your job to keep them looking at you.
41:06 Good luck. Your time starts.
41:09 WHISTLE BLOWS
41:11 LAUGHTER
41:14 Don't you glance, don't you glance.
41:16 Ideally, you're drawing at the same time with both your hands.
41:19 Both at the same time, Jim.
41:21 I know, what's that? It's impossible. No!
41:24 Sam, Sam. How are you? Eyes on the prize.
41:29 Yes, I see you.
41:31 Can you stop drawing, please? Oh, shit.
41:33 Is that not...?
41:35 I don't think that can be peddled.
41:37 Five seconds.
41:38 Four, three, two, one.
41:42 And stop.
41:43 APPLAUSE
41:46 Are you expecting great works of art, Greg?
41:49 I really am not.
41:51 So, please, Julian, show Greg both your pictures at once.
41:55 What do you think he's drawn, Greg?
42:00 I think the one on the right looks a bit like me.
42:03 Oh, hang on a minute.
42:05 Is it Jacob Rees-Mogg and Stephen Mulher?
42:08 Lucy, would you like to reveal your drawings?
42:13 Both at the same time, if you can. Or not, it's fine.
42:16 Well, that's a strong hope, then.
42:18 You can tell what they are, though, can't you?
42:23 I can't even tell if they're a creature or a plant.
42:26 Lucy, do you want to show us on your board what you wrote?
42:28 I've not got very good writing.
42:31 Peas and cauliflower.
42:33 Peas aren't bad. OK.
42:38 Sam Campbell. Hi, Sam.
42:39 Reveal your drawings at once, please.
42:41 Oh, wow. It looks like keys.
42:46 Wow, they're falling.
42:48 Yeah. Like meteorites.
42:51 Oh!
42:52 Thanks very much.
42:54 Tell me and I'll decide if they're better than Lucy's peas.
42:57 World cinema.
42:59 And negative gearing.
43:02 I don't know what negative gearing is.
43:07 It's to do with people, like, flipping houses.
43:10 It's a situation where expenses associated with an asset,
43:13 including interest expenses, are greater than the income
43:15 earned from the asset.
43:16 And he's trying to represent that with his picture there.
43:18 These are gears and they're falling, yeah.
43:20 But how the hell am I going to score that?
43:23 Do you want to move on to Sue Perkins?
43:25 Yeah.
43:26 Oh, wow.
43:30 Right, now they're good and I can see they're people.
43:32 Are they people?
43:34 That does look a bit like Jacob Rees-Mogg, but it isn't him.
43:37 Tell me.
43:38 Um...
43:39 It's Stephen Wahern and Jacob Rees-Mogg.
43:42 I said Jacob Rees-Mogg.
43:47 Very clever.
43:49 Susan, reveal your drawings, please.
43:52 There we go.
43:54 Is that the big boob woman and the sexy dog in there?
43:57 No.
43:58 That's a person, that's a tick.
44:00 Do you want to give me any clues?
44:02 One person is doing something
44:04 and the other person has an attribute that I don't like.
44:07 This one's walking a dog.
44:08 No.
44:09 Just tell me.
44:11 OK, so that's dancing, cos that's a music sign.
44:14 And then this is sweaty backs.
44:18 So that was like the back.
44:20 And that was the sweat.
44:22 But I didn't get it outside the circumference of the person
44:25 cos I couldn't see.
44:27 All right, Greg, you've got ten beautiful pictures.
44:30 Whilst I admire the creativity,
44:33 I didn't recognise either thing in Sam's drawing.
44:36 So I can only give Sam one point.
44:38 No problem.
44:39 Lucy, I give two points to, cos I recognise that those were peas.
44:42 And she's very pleased with the points.
44:44 Thank you.
44:45 Who's next?
44:46 Susan, cos I recognised they were people
44:48 but I didn't know that there was a sweaty-backed person there.
44:51 Or any dancing going on.
44:53 Three points.
44:54 OK, lovely.
44:55 I guessed only one of Sue's,
44:57 Jacob Rees-Mogg and Stephen Mulhern's tributes,
45:00 so she must have four points.
45:01 And the winner, cos I guessed both of them,
45:03 is Julian Cleary with five points.
45:05 Congratulations, Julian Cleary, five points.
45:07 Please, Julian, that's the final score.
45:09 Come back down and join me.
45:11 Wow, that was some pretty high-octane drawing.
45:19 They did well. Julian did best, so well done, Julian.
45:21 Five points to you.
45:22 But the other scores means that the final league table
45:25 looks like this.
45:27 Sue and Susan both have 19 points.
45:29 CHEERING
45:31 You're going to have to do a tie-break, then.
45:33 Oh, God, I don't like these.
45:35 And this tie-break is a numbers tie-break
45:37 where they simply have to learn pi to the most decimal places.
45:40 They have two minutes, so here they are doing the pie-break.
45:44 There it is.
45:45 Oh, f... What?!
45:47 That's pie.
45:48 So you want me to learn that?
45:50 I'm terrible at things like this.
45:52 WHISTLE BLOWS
45:54 I'm going to have my pie back. Thank you, Sue.
45:56 Liz, can you tell me the number pi?
45:58 3.1415926535...
46:07 39?
46:09 BUZZER
46:10 89793.
46:12 The end.
46:14 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:18 And so, Sue Perkins wins the episode.
46:22 Please shoot up to celebrate with your silly signings!
46:26 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:29 So, what have we learned today?
46:32 We've learned that the meaning of words can change.
46:35 Who knew a big-square sperm could mean cheeky?
46:38 Who knew that it could also mean concealing your hair under a hat?
46:41 Mischief, on the other hand, has only one clear definition.
46:45 Mischief - a grown woman excitedly shouting the word "pork colours".
46:50 Please give one more round of applause for tonight's winner.
46:53 She is Sue Perkins!
46:55 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:57 ...