Your American Teen (2012)
Not Rated | 1h 5min | Documentary, Drama | 1 January 2012 (USA)
A documentary about the present condition of many young adults in America. In a series of intensely honest interviews, the audience is forced to come face to face with some unfortunate truths about our kids.
Director: Charles Taylor Gould
Writers: Charles Taylor Gould, Keith Murphy
Stars: Daryl Hannah, Ron Wyden, Jane Velez-Mitchell
Not Rated | 1h 5min | Documentary, Drama | 1 January 2012 (USA)
A documentary about the present condition of many young adults in America. In a series of intensely honest interviews, the audience is forced to come face to face with some unfortunate truths about our kids.
Director: Charles Taylor Gould
Writers: Charles Taylor Gould, Keith Murphy
Stars: Daryl Hannah, Ron Wyden, Jane Velez-Mitchell
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00This one's called Her and Her Daddy.
00:10See how quickly her eyes close and her smile fades?
00:13She's lost in the memories her and her daddy made.
00:16Visions flash through her mind like lightning, only seconds, but no less frightening.
00:21It was a daunting look on his face that brought the years flooding back, years of laying naked
00:26and defiled in their backyard shack.
00:29See how quickly her eyes close and her smile fades?
00:32Successful at suicide, caused by the memories her and her daddy made.
00:59Oh my time, I've walked a file line, I held a vacant sign upon my eyelids.
01:11Oh, oh my time, oh lord, I've been so blind, and now I see the light peep through my door
01:18jam.
01:19But there's no-
01:20Hallelujah!
01:21It will be gone soon, yeah, it will be gone soon.
01:22It's just an empty room, this is our darkest cave.
01:23We'll never see the light again.
01:24It will be gone soon, yeah, it will be gone soon.
01:25It's just an empty room, this is our darkest cave.
01:26We'll never see the day, we'll slowly make our way up to the mouth.
01:27You gotta piss and moan, you let the devil yawn.
01:28You let the devil yawn.
01:29You let the devil yawn.
01:30Piss and moan, you let the devil yawn.
01:31You let the devil yawn.
01:32You let the devil yawn.
01:33You let the devil yawn.
01:34You let the devil yawn.
01:35You let the devil yawn.
01:36You let the devil yawn.
01:37You let the devil yawn.
01:38You let the devil yawn.
01:39You let the devil yawn.
01:40You let the devil yawn.
01:41You let the devil yawn.
01:42You let the devil yawn.
01:43You let the devil yawn.
01:44You let the devil yawn.
01:45You let the devil yawn.
01:46You let the devil yawn.
01:47You let the devil yawn.
01:48You let the devil yawn.
01:49You let the devil yawn.
01:50You let the devil yawn.
01:51You let the devil yawn.
01:52You let the devil yawn.
01:53You let the devil yawn.
01:54You let the devil yawn.
01:55You let the devil yawn.
01:56You let the devil yawn.
01:57You let the devil yawn.
01:58You let the devil yawn.
01:59You let the devil yawn.
02:00You let the devil yawn.
02:01You let the devil yawn.
02:02You let the devil yawn.
02:03You let the devil yawn.
02:04You let the devil yawn.
02:05You let the devil yawn.
02:06You let the devil yawn.
02:07You let the devil yawn.
02:09to my grandpa.
02:10I was on the couch watching TV.
02:11My dad was out running errands and when shortly before my dad got home, my older sister, she
02:24went to the bedroom and she was doing chin-ups in the closet and we always had a contest
02:41or whatever we were like with sports and everything like that, because at my old elementary school
02:52they'd have like rope climbing contests and everything like that and everything and what
03:00ended up happening was she had a thing around the thing that holds up the hangers or whatever
03:09right, in case she fell, she had a headband around it.
03:14What ended up happening was that the box that she was standing on, it slipped from under
03:20her and she ended up hanging.
03:24She was found because she started screaming and my mom looked like around the corner of
03:30the house because we're kind of on like the corner and she was screaming, my dad just
03:37got home.
03:40I didn't know if she left or anything like that, I was too little to know.
03:46My mom was the one that ended up finding her in our room.
03:54When I found her, she'd been in the closet, was on a headband, the only thing that we
04:02can think that she was doing was she was doing pull-ups and reaching her head into the headband.
04:10That's the only ruling that we could actually really think of.
04:18I think it impacted me greatly because I thought it was my fault for the longest time because
04:23I was the closest one in the house next to her and like emotionally like when she was
04:31alive I was the closest one to her too.
04:34I can't understand why a seven-year-old would be blaming herself for the accident.
04:44I always felt that my husband blamed me for it because it seemed like things changed with
04:51the way he treated me and maybe Daniella had seen that and was trying to take part of the
05:00blame.
05:01I don't know, what am I supposed to say to that?
05:08I just, I was treated like crap, that's it.
05:12I was hit, I was cursed at, I was told I was a worthless piece of shit and constantly just
05:19being told I was a screw-up.
05:24My dad was arrested when I was five years old for rape.
05:30You know when somebody tells you if you say something they're going to kill your mom and
05:36your family, you're not going to say anything because you don't want the people that you
05:40love most to get hurt.
05:43It was a terrible time.
05:47As soon as I realized what happened, and you tell you about the sexual abuse, her dad was
05:53kicked out of the house, just instinct told me because I have that in my background also
05:58and it's also with my father.
06:02She didn't show any signs, like mental signs, until she was about seven and then she started
06:11like screaming out the window that she was being raped but I didn't even understand what
06:16was going on and I had to ask for help.
06:19I think that when I asked for help and she had to go to a lot of therapy schools like
06:24Perry Center, Christie School, she thought that I was pushing her away, it wasn't a pad,
06:28I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to deal with it.
06:33I just remember being in a lot of places when I was younger, like my mom kind of like dumped
06:37us off everywhere and sometimes I think I've been sexually assaulted but I can't for sure
06:42say that.
06:43Sometimes I feel like, you know, just something weird has happened and I can't just call it
06:46something.
06:47I know I've been in a lot of, you know, crack houses and, you know, all over the road so
06:51I don't know what's, you know, I'm so young, I don't know what was going on and after a
06:56while, you know, I was like, mom, can we go, I don't want to be here, you know, we have
06:59a house to go to, you know, why are we here, you know, and she just, you know, dumped us
07:04off places and it just be like, I don't want to be here, I want to go home and it was just
07:09messy, people shooting hair on, I have a lot of people in my family that are addicted to
07:15drugs like crack cocaine and heroin and I've seen people smoke crack and, you know, just
07:21my auntie princess, she would do my hair and she'd be having like a needle in her arm and
07:28it was just, it was just weird, like, it was normal though, it was just like nobody said
07:32anything, you know, getting your hair done.
07:46My mom is just so against me just becoming something like, ever since I stopped prostituting,
07:52it's like, she's just hell bent on just like destroying everything that I have going and
07:58I know it's her drug addiction and it's sad because it's like, I feel like I could just,
08:03I see her at places and I just want to be like, mom, can you please hold me, hug me,
08:09don't go, she just looks at me like a pedicure child.
08:15Harm.
08:18Harm.
08:21Any of us, any of us have the capacity to harm another person and in many ways we learn
08:29empathy and care because it was shown to us and so as much as we know that and I can wrap
08:36my brain around it, every time I see another person overtly harming someone, I'm still
08:41shocked by it, even though I know the logic of it.
08:45This one's called Rape.
08:47You filthy pig, you took my innocence before I could rise.
08:52You covered my mouth and I closed my eyes.
08:55I felt sick and wanted to die.
08:58You didn't give a fuck, you just spread my thighs.
09:01To you it was fun, nothing but a game.
09:04You come, pull up your pants and I live with the shame.
09:08I want to help these girls.
09:10I want to help you girls out there that have been through the same stuff that I've been
09:14through and like I said, I've walked it, I've talked it, I've lived it, I've done it and
09:18I am living proof that you can, there's help out there and that you can get to a better
09:24place.
09:25I want to say fixed because that's the perfect word.
09:28I was broken.
09:29I was broken my whole life and I got put back together and I want these girls to feel this,
09:35feel this.
09:36It's a beautiful thing.
09:49As they get older then, some kids, they thrill seek, you know, and there's a lot of times
09:55that we look at the kids that seem to be medicating themselves and some medicate so that they
10:02can numb out.
10:03The ones that are numb oftentimes medicate so that they can get some sense of arousal.
10:07So then we see increased likelihood of involvement in substance abuse, criminal activities, further
10:16violence, particularly when we talk about girls because of the relational aspect.
10:21For the drugs I get them wherever I could from pretty much anyone and I felt that I
10:27had to pay them back somehow.
10:30I was gone pretty much about three years after my 18 years.
10:36Sleeping outside with anyone walking up, needing anything from me and just taking it.
10:43Looking for her, I'd have her picture with me and asking people if they'd seen her.
10:48They wanted me home every time I ran away and my dad, he nearly had a heart attack and
10:56the same with my mom and I wouldn't want to wish that upon anyone else's parents.
11:02She put us through quite a bit, a lot of worries, a lot of sleepless nights.
11:09First time I did meth, I was 12 and all my friends were older than me, they were like
11:1618, 19, like grown ups.
11:18And so I got introduced to it one night with my friends and we were smoking in this bathroom
11:27and I don't think I was really, I didn't just catch addiction that night but I didn't have
11:35to pay for drugs when I was younger.
11:37I didn't, like every person I hung out with was older and they had funds and like drugs
11:41were just provided, it was just a necessity that was just part of just hanging out.
11:46So it was just always there and like before I knew it I just didn't stop doing it.
11:51The first time I did it, I didn't know I was doing it, I didn't know what it was.
11:56I was actually 15 and I did it and my friend was there with me but she was in the other room.
12:10It was like just a tweaker house, we didn't know they were tweakers, I didn't even know
12:13what meth was.
12:14Basically I did hitch drugs so he thought he owned me and I didn't even know what the
12:19hell I was doing.
12:20So I was high, I didn't know I was high, I just felt fucking weird.
12:26I was sitting there, everything was bright and my body felt like every time somebody
12:33touched me or I sat there rubbing my leg because it felt good and I didn't know what it was
12:39so I wanted to see my friend and he wouldn't let me leave and he took my virginity I guess
12:57without my permission and it wasn't right.
13:02I was still kind of in a daze, the drugs had made my mind blurry so I didn't know if it
13:09was real or not really.
13:11I wanted to eat but I couldn't, nothing sounded good, I wanted to tell somebody but I couldn't
13:21talk and my friend heard me yelling no and she didn't say anything so I didn't really
13:27know if it was a dream or not because your friend is supposed to help you and when they
13:33don't come to you when you're screaming help then you kind of think it's not real.
13:43This was like when I was 11 years old and I was staying the night over at one of my
13:49friend's houses and the guy that, well the mom's boyfriend or whatever, the mom was doing
13:57crack off the table and like later I was raped so from how I was going about everything I
14:06was kind of looking for it in a way but no one deserves that.
14:19The pervasiveness of sexual exploitation, the statistics on that, the occurrence of
14:25that has been pretty consistent and the statistics run for girls, about one out of every three
14:32girls will be sexually exploited prior to adulthood.
14:36The first time I was raped I was 10 and a half and actually I wasn't with my twin, I
14:46was by myself, I was walking home from school and this dude pulled up in a car and he was
14:52like you're so pretty, you're just beautiful and of course I'm like oh thank you and I'm
14:56all flattered, this is an older guy and stuff so I was like thank you and he's like let
15:01me take some pictures, I'm a photographer, I can get a portfolio for you and everything,
15:06just come in my car and I was like yeah okay, I'll come and so I hopped in his car and he
15:12had a little apartment just like five minutes away or whatever so I went in his apartment
15:18and he started taking pictures of me and saying how beautiful I was and then little by little
15:24it was just take your shirt off, take your jacket off, just show a little bit of your
15:29breasts and I don't know it's kind of weird because I had already been defiled so it just
15:37trips me out that I would do that or expose myself anyway so I did and then he was like
15:44well take everything off and I was like nah, I'm not going to do that, I started feeling
15:48butterflies and uncomfortable and everything so I was like nah I'm not going to do that
15:52and he just came over there and without going into detail he raped me and brutally and this
16:01I don't know if I should say this because this is really blunt but anyway he used things
16:06bananas, that's why I don't, I hate bananas, anything to do with bananas but anyway so
16:13he raped me and I was a virgin of course and I got dressed and I didn't, he actually I
16:23got in his car and he dropped me back off where he picked me up but I never said anything
16:30never said anything, I went home, took a shower, never said a word, never said a word, I don't
16:37know why. The night started out as usual, I fell asleep with my panties on, I woke up
16:43in the middle of the night and my panties were gone, replaced by an unwanted dick penetrating
16:48my hole, not only did he fuck it, he fucked my soul, I begged him to stop, please don't
16:54do this, he said shut up bitch your pussy is bliss, I tried to fight him gouging out
16:59his face with all my might, he put his tongue in my mouth and then whispered damn your pussy
17:03is tight, I started crying because the emotional and physical pain was beyond real, the blood
17:08began to seep down between my legs, numbness crept over me and I could no longer feel,
17:13I closed my eyes to block out a face I couldn't bear to see, he slapped my cheek and said
17:18when I come little girl I want you looking at me, he was finally done and was slipping
17:22out from between my thighs, I reached to where his gun had fell and I cocked the .45, now
17:27I want you looking at me is what I said, I pulled the trigger, one shot to the heart
17:32and my daddy lay dead.
17:36I don't think the public is aware of the level of abuse, the level of harm that's being done
17:44to children today, I think most people have no idea.
17:48It's telling you that there's a pervasive attitude that exists there that these types
17:52of behaviors against a vulnerable child are okay and the children themselves are somehow
17:59being told oh this happens to a lot of people or this is common, grow up and show that you
18:05can take it that you're an adult, that's part of the issue, the other part of the issue
18:11is we cannot wrap our brains around the unspeakable things adults do to children.
18:23All my life I've spent wasting time, wasting my time, just to get better again, but I don't
18:36mind, I don't mind, just take my medicine and I'll be fine, I will be fine, I'll be fine.
18:52I'll be fine, I'll be fine.
19:22Ten years ago when I started at the position that I'm in now, you know, we didn't expect
19:32middle school girls to be having sex or parenting, we were usually pretty surprised when that
19:39happened before high school, we're not surprised anymore.
19:42And that's sad for me, is when I hear that one of my 13 year old kids is pregnant and
19:49planning to parent, I'm sad, but I'm not surprised and I should be appalled.
19:55Sex sells and we have to re-examine what we as consumers are subsidizing and if we are
20:03subsidizing this really pernicious view of sexuality and the objectification of women,
20:09the objectification of young girls, then we're part of the problem.
20:13The problem is if you have this kind of ongoing feed in your society through your iPod, through
20:20your cell phone, YouTube, with your friends and nobody to stand up and say, wow, you know,
20:26that word's a little concerning, that relationship is a little bit concerning, then I think you're
20:32going to find that girls are going to become a little bit used to the idea of being exploited.
20:38It's not going to seem as horrifying as it really is.
20:42But media's also teaching young persons to pay attention to what's not right with them.
20:49If you don't look a certain way, if you don't have access to certain things, you're not
20:53good enough.
20:54But if you can behave this way or acquire these things, then you have a chance of being
20:59seen as popular or worth something.
21:02The kids aren't making the money, we are.
21:04So we need to start being the role models and saying, okay, where's the cutoff line?
21:10What's the difference between childhood and young adulthood?
21:13What I'm finding is there's really an interesting blurring of the line between childhood and
21:21sexuality, where they're becoming intertwined and we're starting to expect to see that sexy
21:28equals youthful, almost to the point of being childlike.
21:33We're not talking openly enough about sexuality, I believe, at an early enough age, waiting
21:38until 7th and 8th grade doesn't seem to be enough anymore when we talk about the impact
21:43the media is having at younger and younger ages.
21:46Because of the internet, kids are being exposed to things at a much younger age, and we need
21:49to catch up to that.
21:55The tween and teen magazines talk a lot about being hot, about being gorgeous, how to look
22:02your sexy best at the holidays.
22:05You're 12.
22:06You don't need to look your sexy best.
22:08And I'd really like to see just a small shift, so we're talking about health instead of beauty.
22:14How to feel your best at the holidays.
22:16How to eat right and get exercise that makes you feel good inside and out.
22:20If somebody's telling you that you are smart, that you're athletic, that you're creative
22:27and interesting and strong, and not using the words sexy and hot and all those things
22:33to describe you, giving you real compliments in real time about things you've really done,
22:38then you're going to have a multidimensional way of seeing yourself.
22:41If you don't have those positive adults in your life, and you're watching the videos
22:45and seeing the movies and reading the books and magazines just like your peers are, what's
22:50going to be coming in is the constant feedback of, you are how you look.
22:55I find it really disturbing that there aren't more role models for girls that can show that
23:04you can have self-esteem, you can have confidence, you can be strong and dynamic without having
23:16to exploit yourself.
23:19If we are going to continue to make the same mistakes and to have low expectations, we're
23:26going to have to expect that it's going to ramp up.
23:28And that the 13-year-olds are going to become 11-year-olds, the 11-year-olds are going to
23:32become 8-year-olds, the 6-year-olds are going to be wearing makeup and dancing in bikinis.
23:36So at what point do we step in and say, okay, this is young enough, and this is what we're
23:42going to do about it.
23:43It's quite a different world than it was even 10 years ago, and I think that it's really
23:47important that we start showing girls examples of what it is to really have self-worth.
23:55What seems to make the difference is someone to say, hey, you know that song sounds a little
24:01bit like it's talking more about rape than consensual sex, talking a little bit more
24:06about exploitation than it is a relationship.
24:09Let's talk about what those words are.
24:12So ultimately, a lot of these problems are consumer issues, and it's up to us as consumers
24:18to make moral choices.
24:20Every decision we make about what we buy, what movie we see, what TV show we watch,
24:25is ultimately not just a personal choice decision, but it's a political decision, and it's
24:30a moral decision.
24:34The girls that we see that are neglected or abused as children go on to engage in those
24:39kinds of relationships in adulthood.
24:41That can look like spousal abuse or partner abuse, or they can involve themselves or get
24:47involved in prostitution or human trafficking.
24:51It's bigger than we all think it is.
24:53You know, when you're talking globally, some of the stories I hear globally are horrendous
24:59from other countries.
25:01When you get into the United States, a lot of the demand, the Johns, the guys paying
25:06for the sex, a lot of times, probably 10 years ago, they were actually leaving the
25:11United States to have sex with children.
25:14Now, everybody stays in the United States.
25:17It's easy now to find a child to have sex with.
25:20The age of entry into trafficking is 12 to 14 years old.
25:26These are children.
25:27These are our children.
25:29And if we don't do something about it, who will?
25:32While there are as many suspected cases of trafficking victims in the States as there
25:39are murders, 75% of the murders are resolved, and less than 1% of those trafficking cases
25:43are even looked into.
25:45There are many young women and girls who have become hooked on drugs, and they may not yet
25:53consider themselves prostitutes, but they are looking for a way to help fund that need,
25:59and so they are turning to selling themselves for money.
26:03Girls may not say that they're being pimped, and in fact, many of them will say that they
26:06are not being pimped.
26:08But when you talk to them further, it becomes clear that there is an exchange of something
26:12for sexuality that's going on, and that is trafficking.
26:19I was 13.
26:21At the time, I was really vulnerable.
26:23I was basically homeless.
26:25Eventually, just roaming around like that, I ran into a pimp, and he presented himself
26:30as this person of fun and of adventure, and you're taking care of with me.
26:38I wound up prostituting for this guy from 13 to 17 and a half.
26:45He's in custody now.
26:46He's in jail, but he stole my youth.
26:50He stole my life.
26:52He didn't care.
26:53Care is very abusive and put me in a lot of situations that were just careless and
26:58ruthless.
26:59The issue with little girls and little boys involved in sexual exploitation is it's enormous.
27:05In the Portland area, just with the little girls, right now we have probably over 100
27:10that have been identified as underage, involved in underage prostitution.
27:24The first time I actually turned to drugs was when I had a pimp.
27:29I don't remember how that went down, but I know I was scared.
27:35I think it was a semi-drug.
27:37It was a huge cargo-type drug, and that's one of my fears.
27:41It was really just a frustrating situation.
27:45I don't know.
27:46It was just a mess.
27:47It was messy.
27:48I know these guys know I was young.
27:51There was no way.
27:52I'm 12.
27:53I mean, there had to be some type of thought of this is some young child, but I guess that's
27:58what got me paid more money when I was younger, I guess.
28:01The big problem here is addiction.
28:03You have men who are addicted to pornography, and these are men who are emotionally immature,
28:08and they are unable to have intimate relationships with a peer, with an adult woman.
28:14They're unable to have an adult intimate relationship.
28:18So they retreat into pornography, and they retreat into prostitution, seeking prostitutes,
28:24young girls that they can dominate, who aren't going to challenge them intellectually, emotionally,
28:30or psychologically, so they can feel important.
28:33The person I was prostituting for was a gang member, and it was a gang of pimps.
28:38I'd just sell drugs, pimp girls, and drive, I guess, around the town.
28:46We'd go out to Washington, California, and we'd pick up minors along the way, and if
28:53you want to leave, you get left right here in Portland or wherever we're at.
28:57Keep a good mouth, or you'll be out on the freeway somewhere, and they're being serious.
29:03They don't have time for games.
29:06You want a place to stay.
29:08You want nice clothes.
29:09You want to make sure that nobody's going to bother you.
29:13You want to just be quiet and listen and go with the ride.
29:18The reason why the girls keep showing up on our doorstep as often as they do is that we're
29:23not breaking the cycle.
29:25It's very simple.
29:28Every single time that you talk to one of these young girls, you're going to hear the
29:33same story.
29:34They get picked up by the police, or they get picked up by child welfare.
29:37They get taken to back home, or they get taken to foster care, or some other maybe
29:42family member, whatever, and as soon as they get the opportunity, they run back to their
29:47pimp.
29:48So it's a vicious circle that goes over and over and over again.
29:51When a pimp gets to leave town and go to a different state to set another, to basically
29:58make me prostitute there, he'll go around with his friends or solo and just see other
30:06girls.
30:07They don't have to be walking as a prostitute necessarily to get picked up.
30:12A pimp is hoping to just catch somebody that's fresh and doesn't, has no exposure to that
30:18and just charm them the same way they use the same magic stick or whatever to the same
30:25to every girl, and they just make you feel special.
30:28They'll spend a lot of time and money and make you feel like, you know, he wants me
30:33when really, he really does want you, like literally your soul.
30:38If the pimp is successful at recruitment, you know, we're just told to be quiet, and
30:45the other girl sits in the front and feels special, and we're upset, and it's just,
30:50it's a mind game.
30:51It's all a mind game really.
30:53And for people that are just, you know, recruitment, you know, it's just, it's a normal thing for
30:58a pimp, just to get as much money as possible, no matter how many bodies or lives it takes.
31:04The real criminals here are not the young girls who are being exploited.
31:08They're the pimps, the ones who take advantage of those young girls.
31:12But so often, the young girls don't even have the opportunity, because there are no shelters,
31:19there are no community services, to get their lives on track where they safely can be in
31:25a position to work with law enforcement, testify against the pimps, and put the criminals behind bars.
31:30It used to be, a long time ago, the girls were under the influence of drugs, alcohol.
31:36The pimps have figured out now that the girls not only last longer when they're not under
31:40the influence of something, but they also look better.
31:43So they have gone to brainwashing.
31:45They can twist these girls into a knotted mess.
31:48I mean, basically, when we get them, we're rewriting, reprogramming everything inside them,
31:53because the only thing they can think about is getting back to the pimp.
31:56The pimp does all the thinking for them, makes all the decisions,
32:00and all they have to do is go out and perform.
32:03It just put me in an abusive situation.
32:06Just embarrassed me in front of his friends, called me bitches, and, you know, I'm not worth anything.
32:13You know, all guys want to do is pimp me out anyway, so I might as well stay with him.
32:19And it took for me to, for one night, for him to, I was locked in this basement,
32:28and I don't know why, I guess it's because I kept running off.
32:33Like, as I got older, you know, I'm kind of, like, used to, you know, the game, and in and out,
32:37you know, dropped me off on 82nd, I kind of had the program down,
32:41and I decided to start running off and just, you know, doing me, you know,
32:45keep my own hotel room and smoking.
32:48So he came looking for me one night and told me to get in the car with him,
32:55and I got in the car with him, and we went back to his parents' house,
33:00and, like, his mom is, like, they're all, like, just, it was weird, they're just all connected.
33:05She knows her son's a pimp, and he's really abusive, like, it's just no, you know, hidden thing.
33:11And I was locked in this basement in her house for about a week,
33:14and these guys were coming down there raping me, all his friends, and it was just horrible,
33:20it just felt horrible, I just felt like I'm not even human, I'm just this monster in this basement
33:26that, you know, anybody can do what they want to, and everybody was, you know, of course intoxicated,
33:31and it was, like, a good laugh, I guess.
33:34I just remember just getting slapped around and just thrown around this room,
33:37and, like, of course I tried to put up a fight, like, you're not going to do this to me.
33:41But then once I saw how many people were coming down the stairs, I just, you know,
33:44I just kind of, like, blacked out, like, I just remember waking up on the floor,
33:47and there was just blood everywhere, and I just felt disgusting.
33:52And so finally I broke out the basement, and I went and called the police.
33:59I was involved in this kind of a world where these poor kids are, you know, 14, 15 years old,
34:13and getting raped repeatedly by different men who specifically want to have sex with children.
34:19You know, it's just a sad world, it's dark, and it's awful, so.
34:29The way that trauma is resolved for most of us is to feel safe again.
34:37We need to feel safe in order for that arousal level to come down.
34:41Pimps are really good, and actually abusers in general are really good at getting forgiveness after the fact.
34:48So essentially the girls are isolated, they're pulled away from any safety that they might know,
34:54and they're made to believe that this person adores them, loves them, cherishes them.
34:59And then things start to slowly chip away.
35:02What wound up happening is I just, I, he found me, like, a couple days later,
35:11and I was on 82nd, I was staying in a hotel room, and he took me back and was trying to be all sweet to me,
35:23and he dropped me back off on 82nd.
35:28Like, he let me stay in for a couple days, like, making me try to feel, like, special.
35:32And he took me to 82nd, and as soon as I got out there, I had, like, on this dress.
35:38It's freezing outside, it's, like, wintertime.
35:41And I had these leggings on, and he was so scared of me leaving, and just so, just, just, you know, just vindictive.
35:49He was like, take your leggings off.
35:51Like, so I took them off, and, like, I'm in this dress now.
35:55And I'm walking out 82nd, and so I'm just high attraction.
35:58The police immediately spot me out, and I saw them in the back streets.
36:03And I went back there, and they're thinking, you know, I'm thinking they're a John, but I know this is the police.
36:09And so I walked back there, and I said, please take me home.
36:12And out of all nights, like, the police would just beg me to go home.
36:17This officer would not take me home.
36:19Like, he was just like, do you want to go out to the station and talk to me?
36:22He's like, what are you doing out here?
36:24Like, what's wrong with your hair?
36:25Like, what's all over your face?
36:26Like, he just was, I was like, just let me in the car.
36:29And so I was scared because, like, this guy wasn't just a pimp.
36:34This was, like, a gang.
36:35This is not just one person.
36:37This is, everybody scratches each other's back, you know.
36:41Like, I couldn't just stand on 82nd and talk with this officer.
36:45Because I know he has friends, or either he was riding up in that 82nd watching me.
36:49And I hurried up and got out of that area, and I went down to the station, and I just told him everything.
36:55And I haven't been in this situation since.
37:04Some of the most important questions in government are missed.
37:10And those are the ones that involve making sure that each individual receives the respect that they deserve.
37:19We have figured out how to protect them now.
37:21When I first started three years ago, we weren't doing, we weren't protecting them at all.
37:25We were arresting for, we were arresting young girls under the age of 18 for prostitution.
37:31Which just shows you that we weren't paying attention.
37:35We changed the system around to now that they don't go into the juvenile system as a bad guy or as a prostitute.
37:42They go in as a victim of human trafficking.
37:44Education is an important part of this.
37:47Because one of the things we do know is that self-esteem is a big issue in these young women being able to be recruited.
37:56If we could do a better job with education around just what are healthy relationships, you know, those sorts of things.
38:06You know, you can be healed.
38:08That's what I, I'm a living example of, you know.
38:12Of course, I'm 45 now, and it took my whole life, but I feel so good.
38:16I feel so good. I feel so free from prison, from the prison within me.
38:20And I want the girls going through it, the younger girls especially, to be able to feel the same thing.
38:25And know that, you know, there is a way out.
38:29There is a way.
38:30And I want to, if I can just give back, and I know it sounds so cliche because everybody always says, you know, you want to give back.
38:36And, you know, if I can save one life, that's what I want to do.
38:41Well, I'm having a baby, so my hope is to be the best mother I can be, better than my parents were to me.
38:53Be able to guide and teach my daughter what's right and wrong, and how to tell the difference between right and wrong.
39:02And I want her to know that it's always okay to say no.
39:08Nobody should make you sway your opinion whatsoever.
39:16I want to have my own fashion line.
39:19That's a far shot, but I can work for it, you know.
39:23Nothing in life is easy.
39:25That's how you know something's fake.
39:28If it's easy to do, if it's easy to pick up that weed pipe and smoke it, just to make all your friends happy, you know it's not right.
39:35She's a lot of energy.
39:36She's extremely intelligent.
39:38I really am pushing her.
39:40I want to see her go to college because she can do so much.
39:45I just think she doesn't have the self-esteem right now.
39:50You know, when she deals with her issues, then she'll be ready.
39:53I just have to keep trying to tell her that she's good and that she can do this.
40:02A wife, I guess.
40:05And not one that's going to keep me wrapped around its finger.
40:11Completing high school, I just wish, like, I dropped out in sixth grade.
40:15I mean, fifth grade was the last grade I completed.
40:18Like, just, you know, full every year, you know.
40:21That was my last grade.
40:23School is really just, I just wish I would have just done that.
40:27I'm just like watching all these kids, you know, and I'm just like, man, I wish I could graduate high school.
40:33I just want a cap and gown.
40:35I'm like, man, I wasted doing this and that, you know.
40:39Right now I am a part-time employee at the Rose Quarter.
40:43I'm a customer service representative cashier.
40:48I'm focusing on my GED, which has been, I've been focusing on this for a long time.
40:53I've just been trying to find space of mine and kind of just keep it settled.
40:58And I'm just trying to work out my future.
41:00I'm trying to get stable.
41:02I'm just figuring out how all this is going to fall in place.
41:04I'm really just taking my life serious and taking it day for day.
41:08Because if I don't, then it's that criminal thinking.
41:11Like, literally, I have notes that I keep.
41:14I love writing.
41:15I've always been interested in it.
41:17And I just write, like, all this stuff I want.
41:19And then I write how much it costs.
41:21And then I add it up.
41:22And then I try to divide it by, like, 30 days.
41:24If I went to 82nd, I'd have to make this much money and this much amount of time to do this.
41:29And now I redirected that with writing.
41:31Man, in six months, I hope to have my GED so I can apply for FAFSA.
41:37I just want to be able to make the best out of myself because nobody else is going to help me.
41:44So I have to do it for myself.
41:47I can't want to do something because somebody wants me to do it.
41:53So I have to do what I want to do.
41:57I have to do it because it's in my best interest.
41:59It's helping me, not somebody else.
42:01I know she will.
42:02She's strong.
42:03She's very strong.
42:04She's just going through a hard time right now.
42:06Everybody does.
42:07You know, that's part of life.
42:09It's pain.
42:10And you've got to get through the pain, and it makes you a better person.
42:13Dennis, my PO, helped me just figure out a lot of things and got me employed.
42:20You know, I just had to stay strong about that because I was like,
42:24man, if they don't give me this job here, I'm, like, done.
42:30It just helped me with resources, just, you know, staying strong mostly
42:35and understanding the legal side and what's right and what's wrong, like, through clear lines, you know.
42:43Yeah, just, you know, let me know that, you know.
42:46It's kind of like that, like a check, like, you know, somebody just overwrites everything,
42:50like, hey, you're in New York doing good.
42:52I would like to see you doing this.
42:54You know, just somebody that's kind of like almost like a mentor.
42:56You know, GDH is like my family, I guess.
42:59I've known, I've been there so long, I guess, for family.
43:02But, yeah.
43:06You were never a mistake.
43:09You're a blessing.
43:11And you can be anything you want to be.
43:23People need to know because I think that that is the only way that there's going to be change,
43:30is people becoming engaged.
43:35It's when I mentioned earlier that sometimes what these children need is somebody who they can hold on to
43:44throughout their adolescence to get them through to adulthood.
43:48And that person, if it's not a parent, then who is it?
43:53I've been eating a lot.
43:56I got a little color in my cheeks.
44:02I don't know what else.
44:04I've been bitching a lot.
44:07I've only been clean for six days, but it's a start, and it's a really good start because I'm really happy.
44:12I actually laughed yesterday for the first time in, like, four months, and it was super cool.
44:18I put a sign up on the door, on my door to my house,
44:23because I thought it'd be less of a temptation if I didn't have to have to say no when people knock on my door to drugs
44:32because usually people come over and knock on the door to get high at my house,
44:36and they usually get me high because they're using my space.
44:40So I put a note on the door saying to turn back if they want to get high or use drugs,
44:48and it's really helpful because it's less of a risk for me to say yes to getting high.
45:00Well, my daughter got taken at birth because I'm bipolar,
45:04and so they used my mental illness against me.
45:08My baby's dad went to prison for selling a couple weeks after that.
45:13My mom got her shooting order against me.
45:18I got pregnant again, and I lost that kid.
45:24I don't know. It's been kind of a struggle.
45:27So I'm going to, in March, I'm going to give my daughter to adoption.
45:32My sister's going to adopt her so I can still be in her life because I know I'm not ready for it now.
45:39It's been pretty traumatic.
45:42I'm going to start crying.
45:44She lost her baby, and she's been going through major drug addiction.
45:51She's really not dealing with being bipolar, and I'm glad she's home right now.
45:58I'm sad about it because I don't like my sister,
46:01not that I don't like her, but I just don't like how I think she would raise her.
46:06But really, the only way you can be a bad parent is if you don't love unconditionally.
46:12And I'm able to do that, but I just can't take the responsibility to take care of her
46:18because I can't take care of myself right now, not mentally.
46:25She's beautiful.
46:27She's almost already walking.
46:29She walks around the walls, you know, like she has to hold on to walls.
46:33She's almost talking, hasn't talked yet.
46:36She's big.
46:38She's kind of chunky.
46:40And she looks really good in purple.
46:42The baby's beautiful.
46:44That baby started smiling the day it was born.
46:47I've never seen a baby do that, ever.
46:50It was incredible.
46:51I'm like, she knows your voice.
46:54In the beginning, when she got taken, I went through a really bad depression,
46:57and I've been in that depression for about 10 months because I was not clean.
47:00It was over.
47:01I started doing meth, and so I didn't do anything, pretty much.
47:06I didn't see her.
47:08I was just too focused on the high because it numbs you.
47:10You can't feel anything.
47:13When you are so focused on your high, you'll do anything for it.
47:18I mean, I went to all lengths for it.
47:20I stole from people I loved.
47:22I prostituted.
47:24I mean, I degraded myself in every way I could.
47:31It's just hard because you have to deal with your emotions,
47:35and if you're not ready, you're not ready.
47:38I was 40 before I ever got into counseling,
47:41and I have stayed clean for 13 years at one point.
47:45But I think the problems with my kids are making me not want to deal with things.
47:54My goals for the next couple months are just to get clean and sober
47:58and to learn how to love myself again.
48:03My mom's sick, you know, and she's not on her pain medication,
48:07so it's really hard for her to get stuff done.
48:10I just clean up.
48:11I know she doesn't have that much time to live.
48:13I just clean for her, cook for her.
48:15I try to do everything I can.
48:17If she wants something to drink to ease the pain,
48:19I go fucking to the store and ask somebody to buy me alcohol to get her to ease her pain.
48:24You know, it's hard, but I just don't want her to be unhappy
48:29for the last little bit of time that she has here.
48:50Why aren't you scared like I'm scared?
49:00Well, my son passed away about a month ago,
49:04and he passed away from SIDS.
49:08Gabe was her world.
49:10She loved that little boy.
49:13I was supposed to bring him out here to see us
49:19the following weekend before he died,
49:22and when she called me that I was on vacation
49:28and she called me up and told me that Gabe had passed,
49:32she hides a lot of her emotions.
49:36And she really, really broke down
49:40was when she called me on the phone.
49:43It's a lot of mixed emotions, like I'm scared to have another child.
49:47They might die again or something like that.
49:50It's basically the loss of people
49:53and where I'm going to go in life and not stray
49:56like I did in the past and everything
49:58and actually better myself and go into a career I want to do
50:01and everything, get my schooling for that.
50:03And have a huge family and everything,
50:06and then work from there.
50:19I'll wait for summer
50:23Wait for summer
50:27Hold on summer
50:31Hold on summer
50:34Wait for summer
50:37Wait for summer
50:40Hold on summer
50:43Hold on summer
50:46Wait, there's a promise that
50:49Every man's heart is summer
51:01Wait for summer
51:19A miracle is what you want
51:22A miracle is what you're waiting for
51:26You're waiting for
51:29Waiting for, waiting for
51:34Until then we'll be patient and say
51:36We can't always be happy
51:47We can't always be happy
51:52We can't always
51:56We can't always be happy
52:04I wish the best to everybody.
52:07I don't know, that's it.
52:56Your help is on the way
53:01Just send yourself a song and wait
53:09Nothing was promised in the first place
53:14We will suffer for as long as we can
53:20And then the suffering, one way or the other
53:26It will go away
53:43It's quiet and you wait
53:49You can make the bed, the two you've always made
53:55You'll have plenty of fun some days before you lay
54:00Down on the kitchen floor you struggle
54:03But you cannot afford to wait
54:09And in a senseless moment
54:11Everything you're walking towards
54:15Is taken away
54:19And you sold everything that you didn't want
54:22And you sold everything that you didn't want
54:25And you sold everything you didn't want to say