TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 1 December 1965
Patty gets a job as a nurses assistant at the hospital. Unfortunately for her dad, he ends up at the hospital too.
Director: Bruce Bilson
Writers: William Raynor, Myles Wilder, Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Patty gets a job as a nurses assistant at the hospital. Unfortunately for her dad, he ends up at the hospital too.
Director: Bruce Bilson
Writers: William Raynor, Myles Wilder, Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I don't get it. You and Dad are gonna live it up in the dining room and we gotta eat
00:06in here. What are we, peasants?
00:08Ross, I wouldn't exactly call dinner for two in the dining room, living it up.
00:12Thank you, Kathy. And I want all of you to be especially careful not to get on his nerves
00:16tonight. Is that clear, Ross?
00:18Sure. If I think of something that'll get on his nerves, I'll save it till tomorrow.
00:21Is that the idea?
00:22Yes.
00:23No.
00:24Ross, your father's a little upset right at this time.
00:28It's that circulation war with the Evening Express, isn't it?
00:32So remember, I don't want to hear one word about the newspaper.
00:35Hello, everybody. I'm home.
00:37Oh, dear. When he sounds that cheerful, I know he's in a bad mood. Now, remember, not
00:42one word about the newspaper.
00:45Hi, honey.
00:47Hi, there.
00:49Gee, it's good to have you home early for a change.
00:52Here, Uncle Mike, I'll take your briefcase.
00:53Well, now, Kath, there's some papers in there I want to look at before dinner.
00:57Here, let me help you.
00:59What are you doing? Take it easy, will you?
01:01Ow!
01:05Ross!
01:07Sorry about that.
01:09Incidentally, the answer is no.
01:11About what?
01:12About whatever it is you're after.
01:14Honey, he's just trying to be helpful.
01:17There. Comfy?
01:19And we're not going to redo the living room now.
01:22All I want is for you just to sit back and relax and enjoy dinner.
01:26Now, if there's anything you want, you just let us know.
01:29I'm sorry.
01:31All I would like right now is a little uninterrupted peace and quiet.
01:38Hi, everybody.
01:40Are you ready for this?
01:42A candy striper's uniform.
01:44They've accepted you at the hospital. Wonderful.
01:46Yeah. Mrs. Williams, the head nurse, says it's going to be a lot more hard work than glamour.
01:50But who knows where I could leave? I might wind up in a jungle hospital.
01:53We should be so lucky.
01:56That'll be enough of that, son.
01:58Patty, I'm very proud of you.
02:00When did you get interested in being a nurse's aide?
02:02Well, there was this newspaper article calling for volunteers.
02:04Oh?
02:06I don't recall the Chronicle running anything like that recently.
02:08No, I didn't read it in the Chronicle.
02:10Patty.
02:12I read it in the Evening Express.
02:14Forget it.
02:20Meet Kathy, who's lived most everywhere
02:23From Sands of Bar to Barclays Square
02:25But Patty's only seen the sights a girl can see
02:27From Brooklyn Heights
02:29What a crazy pair
02:31But they're cousins
02:33Identical cousins
02:35All the way
02:37One pair of matching bookends
02:41Different as night and day
02:43Where Kathy adores
02:45A minuet
02:47The Ballet Russe
02:49And Crepe Suzette
02:52Patty loves to rock and roll
02:54A hotdog makes her lose control
02:56What a wild duet
02:58Still they're cousins
03:00Identical cousins
03:02Then you'll find
03:04They laugh alike, they walk alike
03:06At times they even talk alike
03:08You can lose your mind
03:10When cousins
03:12Are two of a kind
03:15Well, why shouldn't I blow my stack, Jim?
03:17All I hear from you are excuses.
03:19Don't you think I've got enough trouble
03:21With T.J. on my back about the circulation problem?
03:23I don't see why I should have to tolerate
03:25This kind of asinine behavior
03:27From myself.
03:29Jim, I'm sorry.
03:31Forget the whole thing.
03:33If they dropped the front page in typesetting
03:35I'm sure there was a good reason for it.
03:37I'm sure there was a good reason for it.
03:39I'm sure there was a good reason for it.
03:41I'm sure there was a good reason for it.
03:43Yeah.
03:45All right.
03:47Goodbye, Jim.
03:49Let's see.
03:51Where was I now?
03:53Item 7.
03:55Concerning the circulation problem.
03:57Oh, shut up.
03:59Oh, shut up.
04:01Oh, brother.
04:03Item 7.
04:05Concerning the circulation problem.
04:07Perhaps the chronicle
04:09Needs a new image.
04:12Topo, would you mind
04:14If I took a real quiet look at the medical encyclopedia?
04:16Oh, go ahead.
04:18Larger masthead, easier to read type.
04:20Maybe greater photo coverage.
04:22Item 8.
04:24Sorry.
04:26What's that?
04:28Oh, it's a sphin...
04:30A...
04:32For taking your blood pressure.
04:34A sphignometer?
04:36Yeah, I got it at a medical surplus store
04:38Just in case there's an emergency at the hospital.
04:40Could there be where they'd allow a nurse's aide
04:42To take blood pressure?
04:44An epidemic, maybe, if I'm lucky.
04:46Item 8.
04:48How about doubling the size
04:50Of the sports page?
04:52Item 9.
04:54Another possibility might be to lower
04:56All new subscription rates...
04:58Topo, can I borrow your left arm?
05:00What?
05:02Well, you're only using your right hand
05:04And I thought if you weren't using the other one
05:06I could take your blood pressure.
05:09Sure, Papa.
05:11I just thought you'd be interested in my career.
05:13Oh, Patty, wait a minute.
05:15Look, honey,
05:17Of course I'm interested in your career.
05:19I'm interested in whatever you're doing.
05:21It's just that there are times
05:23When life forces us to be more interested
05:25In other things, like making a living.
05:27Pretty rough, huh?
05:29Well, let's just say that if the chronicle circulation
05:31Doesn't improve, then T.J. Blodgett's disposition
05:33Won't either, so I'm trying to do everything I can
05:35To come up with new ideas to hypo the sales.
05:38How about a contest?
05:40No, the Evening Express specializes in contests.
05:42They run every one in the book.
05:44Yeah, but a medical contest?
05:46A what?
05:48A medical quiz.
05:50Every day you ask a different question about medicine
05:52And then at the end of the month,
05:54The winner gets a groovy prize.
05:56Like a free appendectomy.
05:58Yeah, I guess you're right.
06:00The general public isn't as interested in medicine
06:02As we specialists.
06:04Yeah, well, look, Patty,
06:06Sure, as soon as I finish taking your pulse.
06:12The duodenal ulcer is easily distinguished
06:14From the peptic variety
06:16By noting that...
06:18Ow!
06:20That stupid skateboard,
06:22You dumb thing.
06:24Oh!
06:26Ross, what happened?
06:28Oh, I got a splinter in my finger
06:30From that stupid skateboard.
06:32Ross, when did you have your last tetanus shot?
06:35Last what?
06:37Never mind, we have to do something before infection sets in.
06:39What happened?
06:41Ross got a splinter in his finger.
06:43Kathy, would you get me the first aid kit in the bathroom
06:45And a needle and something to sterilize it with?
06:47Of course.
06:49Hey, come on, you aren't gonna stick any needles in me.
06:51Not without a license, you are.
06:53Ross, will you just sit still and stop circulating your blood?
06:55It's bad for the infection.
06:57What infection? I just got the splinter.
06:59You don't know where that skateboard's been.
07:01It's never been anywhere I haven't been.
07:03Here's the first aid kit.
07:07Hey, hey, come on.
07:09Sit still and stop being such a baby.
07:11Now give me the needle.
07:13Hey, come on now, let me do it myself.
07:15Come on, Kathy, grab his other hand.
07:17Ow!
07:19Ross, can't you stand a little pain?
07:21Yeah, but that was the wrong finger.
07:23Patty, I heard a scream.
07:25What's the matter?
07:27Nothing, Mom, nothing at all.
07:29Accidents will happen.
07:32Are you all right?
07:34Oh, my ankle.
07:36Oh, don't anybody touch him, he might be fractured.
07:38Stay away, let him breathe.
07:40Okay, now, don't worry, Papa, I'll help you out.
07:42Oh, darn, I don't have any splints.
07:44Natalie, would you please call the doctor
07:46before she starts to operate?
07:48Keep him quiet now.
07:50Ah!
07:56Boy, Papa, you sure were lucky.
07:58It says here, even a simple fracture
08:01of the abductor hallucis bone can take months to heal.
08:03I'll bear that in mind
08:05next time I'm tempted to trip over a skateboard.
08:07Hey, where did Dr. Fenneman go?
08:09He's talking to Mom.
08:11You're sure it's nothing serious, Ralph?
08:13Positive.
08:15I only wish I could be as optimistic
08:17about his general condition.
08:19I've never seen Martin quite so on edge.
08:21These last few months have been impossible.
08:23Nights, weekends, he practically lives at the office.
08:25What he needs is a nice long weekend
08:27in the country with plenty of quiet.
08:29Now, in the middle of that awful circulation
08:31war with the Evening Express?
08:33He'd never go.
08:35He'd think he was deserting under fire.
08:37Well, if he won't go away,
08:39let me see what I can do
08:41on the home front to get him some rest.
08:49What's the verdict?
08:51Well, you won't be doing any place-kicking for the Giants,
08:53but I imagine you'll survive.
08:55That's what I told you over the phone.
08:58You didn't have to come rushing over here.
09:00I know how you live for those Friday night poker games.
09:02I was getting lousy cards anyway.
09:04You probably saved me a fortune.
09:06Good. You can take it off my bill.
09:08Anyway, thanks very much, Ralph.
09:10I appreciate it.
09:12And I'll see you next month at the council meeting.
09:14Make that tomorrow at the hospital.
09:16I want to take a few x-rays
09:18just to be on the safe side.
09:20And while we're at it,
09:22we might as well give you a complete physical.
09:24What?
09:26Oh, no, wait a minute.
09:28So I'll see you there at 9 a.m. tomorrow.
09:30Oh, brother.
09:32Martin, stop grumbling
09:34and be grateful you have a doctor who cares.
09:38Hey, Papa, you know what I just realized?
09:40What?
09:42Tomorrow's my first day at the hospital, too.
09:44Oh, really?
09:46Yeah, and I have two things to be grateful for.
09:48Oh.
09:56Well, hi there, Papa.
09:58It's time for your orange juice.
10:00Oh, Patty, I'm not thirsty now.
10:02Papa, let's not get off on the wrong foot.
10:04You need your vitamin C.
10:06Now, come on, drink up.
10:08I have lots of work to do.
10:10Ah!
10:12I'm sorry, Papa.
10:14Okay, there you go.
10:16Oh!
10:18Oh!
10:20Oh!
10:22Oh!
10:25There you go.
10:27It takes a while to get used to these things.
10:33Patty,
10:35you can take it away now.
10:37I've had my orange juice.
10:39Oh, good, Papa.
10:41There.
10:45Oh, Papa,
10:47you spilled it all over yourself.
10:51Patty, you're a nurse's aide, aren't you?
10:54Well, shouldn't you be off somewhere aiding a nurse?
10:56Oh, no, this is my lunchtime.
10:58I can spend a whole hour with you.
11:00You can?
11:02Well, honey, I've really got a lot of work to do.
11:04Now, Papa, if I let you do any work,
11:06I'd be violating my hypocritical oath.
11:08That's hypocritical, and I swear I won't tell a soul.
11:10My orders are absolute rest.
11:12Now, how about a nice book?
11:14I don't feel like reading.
11:16Too tired, huh?
11:18As a matter of fact, yes.
11:20Then I'll read to you.
11:22Oh, good.
11:24You know, Papa, I read,
11:26we're 60% of the best...
11:28Mmm.
11:59Papa.
12:01If you're looking for your briefcase,
12:03I took it for the duration.
12:05Pleasant dreams.
12:07Bye.
12:24Hi. Anybody home?
12:29Hmm.
12:31Professor Schroeder?
12:41Oh.
12:43Excuse me.
12:45We are Professor Schroeder, aren't we?
12:47Well, I don't know about you,
12:49but the last time I looked, I was me.
12:51What are you doing in the closet?
12:53Oh, well, uh,
12:55I was looking for my briefcase.
12:57Well, uh...
12:59Who, me?
13:01Why don't you pull up a wheelchair and sit down?
13:03In the closet?
13:05Isn't it a little stuffy in here?
13:07Yeah, yeah.
13:09Stuffy. Unprivate.
13:11That's what a man needs around here,
13:13a closet full of privacy.
13:15So he can sneak a cigar against doctor's orders.
13:17Oh, I read your chart.
13:19Imagine a grown man like you
13:21sneaking off in the closet like a little boy
13:23to hide from the head nurse.
13:26That's pretty clever, myself.
13:28I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
13:30Now, what do you have to say about that?
13:32I'm ashamed of myself.
13:34Come on.
13:36Let's just come right out here
13:38and make ourselves comfortable.
13:40We'll sit down, and we'll wheel right over there.
13:42There you go.
13:44Ah.
13:46That's nice.
13:48Come right over here
13:50and open the blinds.
13:52Oh, please, don't open the blinds.
13:55Here, you can see the incinerator.
13:57So?
13:59You expect me to watch all that
14:01wonderful smoke pouring out of that chimney
14:03when you won't let me even sneak
14:05a teensy-weensy cigar?
14:21Hello?
14:23Oh, hi, T.J.
14:25How's everything at the office?
14:27Martin, I think I've got a hold of something big.
14:29Did you ever hear of a professor,
14:31Heinrich Schroeder?
14:33Oh, yeah, he's a space scientist, isn't he?
14:35He's got a book coming out
14:37about how to colonize the moon.
14:39Yeah, that's our boy.
14:41Martin, do you realize
14:43what a daily serialization of that book
14:45could mean to the Chronicle?
14:47Yeah, 10,000 new readers, maybe 20.
14:49You mean you got it set up?
14:52I decided to leave the details up to you
14:54inasmuch as Schroeder checked into the hospital
14:56there this morning.
14:58Now, all you have to do is find out what room he's in
15:00and then you make your pitch.
15:02Now, wait a minute, T.J.
15:04I can't go barging into a man's hospital room
15:06with a business proposition.
15:08That isn't ethical.
15:10Who said anything about barging?
15:12Use your ingenuity.
15:14Like what?
15:16Like you used to when you were a young reporter
15:18without ethics.
15:20Hmm.
15:30Calling Dr. Paisley.
15:32Calling Dr. Paisley.
15:40Hoppo!
15:42You know you're not supposed to be out of your room.
15:44Oh, well, I just thought I'd stretch my legs.
15:46I mean, my arms.
15:49So I decided I'd better take a little walk.
15:51Uh, ride.
15:53Dr. Fenneman says you're supposed to stay off your feet.
15:55I am off my feet.
15:57I'm sorry, Hoppo, but rules are rules.
16:03Honestly, Kathy, he is positively
16:05the worst patient I've ever handled
16:07in my entire medical career.
16:09He won't stay still a minute.
16:11I can imagine.
16:13Patty, there must be something you can do
16:15to get his mind off the Chronicle.
16:18Good therapy if you got him interested
16:20in someone else's problem.
16:22Mm-hmm.
16:24Yeah, it's a good idea.
16:26Of course, I don't know how you'd go about it, but...
16:28Oh, that's okay, Kathy, I'll figure it out.
16:30Hoppo doesn't know it, but he's about to get
16:32a crash course in instant therapy.
16:34Thanks a lot.
16:36Goodbye.
16:42Hello, admissions desk?
16:44Uh, this is Mr. Lane in room 274.
16:46I hear that an old friend of mine
16:48has just checked into the hospital.
16:50Professor Heinrich Schroeder?
16:52Oh, room 237.
16:54I wonder if you could put me through, please.
16:56Oh, he's not allowed to accept calls.
16:58Well, I guess I'll just have to
17:00write him a note then.
17:02No messages either.
17:04Uh, well, excuse me.
17:06I'll have to hang up now.
17:10Hoppo? Huh?
17:12I found someone to cheer you up.
17:15Mr. Peabody! Mr. Peabody, this is my father, Mr. Lane.
17:17Mr. Peabody came in with the same problem you have,
17:19a sprained ankle.
17:21Oh, really?
17:23Well, of course, Mr. Peabody, I didn't really sprain my ankle,
17:25I just twisted it.
17:27I'll be walking out of here first thing Tuesday morning.
17:29That's what I thought,
17:31until the complications set in.
17:33Complications? What kind?
17:35Who knows?
17:37They ain't been able to find him yet.
17:39Six weeks ago,
17:41I come here a healthy man.
17:43Even my hair hurts.
17:45Now, Mr. Peabody,
17:47you just stay here and have a nice, long chat with Hoppo.
17:49It'll be good for his morale.
17:57Nice girl you got there.
18:01Hope you don't catch anything working around here.
18:03Dr. Jones, you know.
18:07And that was just the beginning.
18:09Three years ago,
18:12I come here with an ingrown toenail.
18:16Would you believe it?
18:18Inside of 12 hours, they was blaming the whole thing
18:20on a busted collarbone.
18:22How do you know?
18:24Well, Patty was sure right about one thing,
18:26Mr. Peabody.
18:28You had an amazing effect on my morale.
18:30Always glad to help a fellow suffer.
18:32Believe me,
18:34Mr. Peabody,
18:36I'll never forget you for this.
18:38Now, I hope you don't mind
18:41if I get you started on your way.
18:43See, I think I'd like to be alone for a while
18:45while I make out my will.
18:47Goodbye, Mr. Peabody.
18:55Hello?
18:57Oh, yeah, hello, T.J.
18:59Well, no, I haven't, not yet,
19:01but you only called an hour ago, and I...
19:05Yes, T.J., I know they can circle the Earth
19:07in 90 minutes, but it just so happens
19:09I don't have a booster rocket on my wheelchair.
19:11T.J., I'm sorry,
19:13I'm going to have to hang up.
19:15Hey, bye.
19:17Papa? Huh?
19:19I brought a visitor by for you.
19:21I thought you might be bored,
19:23so this is Peter Mason,
19:25and he's come by to cheer you up.
19:27Hi, Mr. Mason.
19:29Uh, I think you're Mr. Mason.
19:31Oh, yes, that's right.
19:33Mr. Mason is a poet.
19:35Oh, really?
19:38Maybe you could give him some advice.
19:40Yeah, well, I'd be very happy to.
19:42Well, it just so happens I have a sample
19:44of my work right here, Mr. Lane.
19:46It's a short history of Lichtenstein.
19:50Well, that's a very impressive piece of work,
19:52Mr. Mason.
19:56857 pages.
20:00If you spread them all out,
20:02they'd be larger than the whole country.
20:04He's very amusing, Patty,
20:06Well, I'm very sorry, Mr. Mason,
20:08but I really don't have time.
20:10Oh, but they're very fast reading, Mr. Lane.
20:12It's all in verse.
20:14A short history of Lichtenstein,
20:16by Peter Mason.
20:18Once upon a time,
20:20there was no Lichtenstein.
20:22It was just a bunch of scenery
20:24with idle wise and greenery.
20:28Everywhere were castles
20:30run by knights and vassals.
20:32In winter they were frozen
20:35and from the mountains
20:37to the valleys with beer
20:39and sometimes wine,
20:41they toasted the new nation
20:43and they called it Lichtenstein.
20:50What do you think?
20:52Well, there's, uh,
20:54there's a lot to digest.
20:56You want me to read it again?
20:58No, no, no, no.
21:00I, uh, I'll tell you, Mr. Mason,
21:02I think what we'd better do
21:04is just, uh, give me a little time
21:06to cogitate about it and, uh,
21:08maybe we could, uh,
21:10talk it over on, uh,
21:12on Tuesday, late in the day.
21:14Okay, because I want to get started
21:16on my next history, China.
21:20Well, thank you very much, Mr. Lane,
21:22for all the wonderful help.
21:24Goodbye.
21:26Get well.
21:29For heaven's sakes, T.J.,
21:31will you give me a chance?
21:33I was just on my way out the door
21:35to talk to the... Natalie?
21:37Martin, what's the matter, dear?
21:39Why are you so upset?
21:41It's your daughter,
21:43the poor man's Florence Nightingale.
21:45What has she done?
21:47You mean, what hasn't she done?
21:49In the past four hours,
21:51she has deluged me with a parade
21:53of characters that would make
21:55your hair stand on end.
21:57Hi, Papa.
21:59You're just the young lady I want to talk to, Patty.
22:01Oh, good, but first I'd like you to meet
22:03one of the most interesting men...
22:05One moment, one moment. Pardon me, sir,
22:07but this is a private conversation.
22:09Yeah, yeah. Far would it be for me
22:11to intrude between a father or his daughter,
22:13especially such a charming daughter.
22:15But if you'll take my advice...
22:17At the risk of being rude,
22:19I don't want your advice.
22:21Papa.
22:23That's all right, liebchen, I understand.
22:25If that's what you wanted to say, sir,
22:27would you kindly leave? I'd like to be alone.
22:29Don't worry.
22:31With your disposition, that should be easy.
22:33Lucky that girl takes after her mother.
22:37A folly unmitigated girl.
22:39He comes barging into my room and he insults me.
22:41Papa, don't blame him.
22:43It was my fault.
22:45I thought you'd be delighted to meet a nice man
22:47like Professor Schroeder.
22:49Patty, at this point, I wouldn't be delighted to meet the...
22:51Professor Schroeder?
22:53Heinrich Schroeder?
22:55Yeah, that's him. He's a pretty big wheel, you know.
22:57Now you tell me.
22:59Patty, I've been trying to talk to him all day.
23:01I've got to find him now.
23:03Ah! Professor Schroeder!
23:05Professor Schroeder, sir, just wait a minute.
23:07Sir, please, I've got to explain.
23:09I'm terribly sorry about what just happened.
23:11How about that?
23:13Finally got him interested in somebody else's problem.
23:21You know, I must say, Professor,
23:23it was very generous of you
23:25to accept my apologies
23:27for our little misunderstanding the way you did.
23:29Well, if there's one lesson I've learned in life,
23:31it's never to trust first impressions.
23:33I'm glad you feel that way.
23:35Um, now,
23:37what about the Chronicle's offer
23:39to serialize your book?
23:41Okay.
23:43Well, the Chronicle's offer
23:45to serialize your book
23:47is that it's a book
23:49Okay.
23:51I make you a wager.
23:53How do you mean?
23:55A bet. You win this game,
23:57and I give you what you want.
23:59Really?
24:01That's very sporting of you.
24:03Very generous.
24:05Not at all, because I think in three moves
24:07I got you beat.
24:09You think so?
24:11I think so.
24:13I don't think so.
24:15No? Why not?
24:17I've got you checkmated.
24:19No.
24:21Yes.
24:23Ah, show me.
24:25I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the game is over.
24:27My dear friend,
24:29I am a man of science.
24:31I have been around the world,
24:33and I have seen many things,
24:35and this I say only to you.
24:37Boy,
24:39have you got a problem.
24:47Here's Kathy,
24:49who's in limos everywhere,
24:51from Zanzibar
24:53to Barclays Square.
24:55But Patty's only seen the sights
24:57a girl can see from her house.
24:59What a crazy pair.
25:01But they're cousins,
25:03identical cousins,
25:05and you'll find
25:07they laugh alike,
25:09they walk alike,
25:11at times they even talk alike.
25:13You can lose your mind
25:15when cousins
25:17are two of a kind.