30min | Comedy, Short, TV Series | Episode aired 15 January 1953
Harry Morton trades his house for one across town. Gracie doesn't want to lose her best friend Blanche, so when the new neighbors move into the Mortons' house, Gracie does everything she can think of to convince them that they wouldn't want to live next door to a household as crazy as the Burns' one.
Director: Ralph Levy
Writers: Sid Dorfman, Harvey Helm, Nate Monaster, Jesse Goldstein, William Burns
Stars: George Burns, Gracie Allen, Harry von Zell
Harry Morton trades his house for one across town. Gracie doesn't want to lose her best friend Blanche, so when the new neighbors move into the Mortons' house, Gracie does everything she can think of to convince them that they wouldn't want to live next door to a household as crazy as the Burns' one.
Director: Ralph Levy
Writers: Sid Dorfman, Harvey Helm, Nate Monaster, Jesse Goldstein, William Burns
Stars: George Burns, Gracie Allen, Harry von Zell
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00He wants to trade our house and we may have to move away.
00:11What? Move away for good?
00:13I'm just sick about it.
00:15Oh, Blanche, Harry can't do that.
00:18Oh, that Harry.
00:20Oh, he should be ashamed of himself.
00:22Men like him should be horse whipped and if I had a horse, I'd do it.
00:30Oh, honey, I feel just awful.
00:33Oh, Blanche, you can't move away.
00:35We're not just neighbors, we're both our very dearest friends.
00:40I know.
00:41Would you like some coffee?
00:42Yeah, please.
00:44George, would you bring some coffee out, please?
00:47Okay.
00:49Anyway, Harry says the trade is practically set with a Mr. Johnson.
00:54Mr. Johnson likes our house and he wants it for his wife.
00:57Oh, well, that's no trade.
00:59Why would Harry want this man's wife when he's already got one?
01:04No, no, no, honey.
01:06Harry wants to trade our house for Mr. Johnson's on Roxbury Place.
01:10Roxbury Place?
01:12Well, that's almost a mile from here.
01:14I'd have to take a cab to borrow a cup of sugar.
01:18I'm just sick when I think of moving.
01:20Me, too.
01:22Well, here's your coffee.
01:24Oh, thank you.
01:25Gracie, I noticed the phone off the hook.
01:27Why is that?
01:28Oh, yes.
01:29Ed Sullivan just phoned us from New York.
01:31He wants us to go on his show, The Toast of the Town.
01:34Well, why is it off the hook?
01:36Well, he said we didn't have to give him an answer until next Wednesday.
01:43Oh, now, where were we?
01:45Oh, yes, Blanche.
01:47We've got to stop Harry from trading his house.
01:50Well, I doubt if we can.
01:52But anyway, we have such happy memories.
01:55Remember when we first moved in here?
01:57Oh, yes.
01:58Oh, George, would you bring out some sugar?
02:00Okay.
02:01Gee, I wish I could make Harry change his mind.
02:04But he says the Johnson's Place is worth much more than ours.
02:07And so, what kind of jelly is that, Gracie?
02:10It's crab apple jelly. I made it myself.
02:12Are you sure there's nothing we can do about Harry?
02:15I'm positive.
02:17Well, then there's only one thing to do.
02:20We'll trade our house and move next door to you.
02:23Oh, Gracie, no.
02:25George would never consider it.
02:26He loves it here.
02:28Uh-uh. Give up.
02:29Oh, give up.
02:31We can't give up.
02:32Great women don't do that.
02:34Look at Betsy Ross and Martha Washington.
02:36They didn't give up.
02:38And look at Nina Jones.
02:40Nina Jones?
02:41I never heard of her either because she gave up.
02:48Gracie, are you sure this is crab apple jelly?
02:50Oh, sure.
02:51I use the best crabs and the best apples I can get.
02:55You know, Gracie, I'm really going to miss you.
02:57Oh.
02:58Well, now to go to work on George.
03:00George Byrne, never mind that sugar.
03:03It won't do you any good.
03:04We're trading our house and let's not have a big argument about it.
03:09George, having an argument about a trifle like trading a house.
03:15She's really letting me have it.
03:19Now she wants to trade the house.
03:21I shall say nothing doing and this time I'm putting my foot down.
03:26Of course, I'll have to raise it when the moving men take the rug.
03:31I don't want to trade the house.
03:34I like our house.
03:36I like the neighborhood.
03:38I like the people.
03:40We've been living here 14 years.
03:43When I walk down the street, everybody says hello to me.
03:46Even Mrs. Bagley's dog wags his tail while he's biting me.
03:52I'm staying right here.
03:55At my age, I'm not breaking in a new dog.
04:01I like our neighbors too, the Mortons.
04:04They're friendly and nice.
04:07I'll admit that sometimes I get a feeling that Blanche Morton doesn't like my singing.
04:12She never comes right out and says so.
04:14It's the little thing she does.
04:18Like stepping on my ukulele and smashing it.
04:22She said it was an accident and I believe her.
04:27She always walks around on the mantelpiece.
04:31And Harry is a wonderful neighbor if you can afford him.
04:35He loves home cooking.
04:37In anybody's home.
04:40Another reason I hate to move.
04:42I did so much of it when I was a kid.
04:45We were always moving to get rid of nosy landlords.
04:49They always wanted to know when we would pay our rent.
04:54I'll never forget once we couldn't pay our electric bill.
04:58So my brother plugged our lights into an electric sign right outside our window.
05:02The kind that flashes on and off.
05:04And that night, my father got dressed and undressed about 400 times a day.
05:11Anyway, I'm not moving.
05:14But even if we were, I'm sure Gracie would make a great trade.
05:18She's very shrewd.
05:21Do you know that she once traded her diamond ring for a dollar watch?
05:26She figured that way she'd make a lot of money.
05:28She once traded her diamond ring for a dollar watch.
05:31She figured that way if somebody robbed her, she wouldn't be out anything.
05:37She comes from a family of traders.
05:40Her uncle once went to the market to trade a donkey.
05:43Three hours later, the donkey came back with an umbrella in its mouth.
05:49Well, I'm not trading.
05:52And I'm not moving.
05:55Say, Gracie, I've got an idea that'll keep Blanche from moving.
05:58How?
05:59Well, it's simple.
06:00Look, I'll just tell Harry Morton that I'm an old friend of the Johnsons.
06:04I had dinner with them last night and that their house is a broken down mess.
06:08Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
06:11Sure.
06:12Harry, will you dry the rest of these dishes while you tell me about it?
06:18Gracie, uh, these dishes are already dry.
06:21Harry, I'm upset, remember?
06:27Well, anyway, when I get through telling Harry Morton what a lemon that Johnson house is, he'll never make the trade.
06:35Blanche, I'm sorry I'm late for lunch.
06:37Oh, Harry, I just didn't feel up to preparing anything today.
06:42So why don't you stop at the drugstore and have a few hamburgers, huh?
06:45I already did that. That's why I'm late.
06:48Go look in the refrigerator.
06:50All right.
06:51What's wrong with you today?
06:54Well, it's this moving thing.
06:56You know how close Gracie and I have been for 12 years.
06:59It's quite a problem.
07:01I have a perfect solution for it.
07:03Just don't give her our new address.
07:06You're so understanding.
07:11Why do we have to move?
07:13Because I'm getting a wonderful deal.
07:16Look, there's no bread out there. I want to make some sandwiches.
07:18I'm sorry, Harry, I just didn't shop today.
07:21Oh, well, that's all right.
07:28That's a nice sandwich.
07:30Liverwurst, bologna, ham on liverwurst.
07:34Look, Harry, if we move, we'll be leaving George and Gracie.
07:38And they're our most wonderful friends.
07:41We eat their food, we use their pool.
07:44Do you want to lose their friendship?
07:46Of course not.
07:47We'll come back and eat their food and use their pool every weekend.
07:51You're always thinking of yourself.
07:54You, Martin, is anybody home?
07:56Oh, in here, Mr. Bonzel.
07:59Hi, Mrs. Martin.
08:00Hi.
08:01Oh, I'm sorry. I always seem to come in when Harry's eating.
08:05You know, if you came in at 4 o'clock in the morning, you could still say that.
08:10I'll get you a cup of coffee.
08:11Oh, well, don't bother.
08:12You know, Harry, have you had lunch?
08:14No.
08:15Well, as soon as we finish this, we'll go down and get a couple of hamburgers.
08:19Well, thanks, just the same, Harry, but I think I'll skip lunch.
08:22I had dinner with some friends last night and the plaster kept falling off the ceiling.
08:26First time I ever had tomato soup with plaster in it.
08:31Introduce me to your friends and I'll sell them a good house.
08:33People by the name of Johnson, they live over on Roxbury Place.
08:37Oh, thank you.
08:39Anyway, it seems that the plaster was loose because the roof leaks.
08:45Johnson's at 617 Roxbury Place?
08:48Yeah, that's right.
08:51My, coffee is good.
08:53This is the house with the sunken living room?
08:56Yeah.
08:57Of course, the living room's only been sunken since the termites ate the floor beams.
09:02What are you laughing at?
09:04Oh, something Gracie said this morning about Nina Jones.
09:09Anyway, one nice thing about this place, whatever else is wrong with it, the pipes will never leak.
09:13They can't. They're all clogged up.
09:18I'm going over there and have a talk with that Johnson.
09:20Oh, look, Harry, you're wasting your time.
09:22You'd have to be a genius to find anybody to buy that house.
09:25No sucker would buy it.
09:27Oh, well, now, please don't underestimate Harry Morton.
09:31He's already found one.
09:33Well, that sucker hasn't closed the deal and he's not about...
09:35Gracie, I've got wonderful news. We're not moving.
09:39Oh, isn't that wonderful?
09:41Now, Harry, you don't have to put on that act about the Johnson house being closed.
09:50Well, we are trading and we are moving.
09:55Oh, George, I'm busy in the kitchen, so when Mr. Duffy comes, will you let him in?
10:00Okay. Who's Mr. Duffy?
10:03He's a lawyer. You see, Harry Morton has no right to trade their house if Blanche doesn't want to.
10:09And so I sent for Mr. Duffy. There must be some way to stop him.
10:14Gracie, will you leave the money?
10:16No, I won't.
10:18And so I sent for Mr. Duffy. There must be some way to stop him.
10:22Gracie, will you leave the Mortons alone? You can't straighten out other people's business.
10:27George, how can you say that? I've been doing it for years.
10:31Remember what happened to the Bagley's across the street?
10:33Sure. Mr. Bagley came home when Clara Bagley was kissing a man, so I explained it to him.
10:39I said, there's nothing wrong with that. Everybody kisses a bride.
10:43But Clara Bagley wasn't a bride. She'd been married for six years.
10:47Yeah, but this man didn't know that. He only brings the laundry.
10:54Gracie, this time let the Mortons straighten out their own business.
11:03Yes?
11:04Oh, how do you do? I'm Mr. Duffy.
11:06I'm Mr. Burns.
11:07How do you do, Mr. Burns? Your wife sent for me. I'm a lawyer.
11:10Oh, well, it's really nothing, Mr. Duffy. You see, my wife is a little...
11:15She's kind of... Well, she'll ask questions that you can't answer.
11:20Well, let me be the judge of that, eh?
11:23Well, I'd forget it, Mr. Duffy. There's been a little mistake.
11:27Mr. Burns, if people didn't make little mistakes, they wouldn't need lawyers.
11:33After that last line, I think you deserve to meet her.
11:40Mr. Duffy, this is Mrs. Burns.
11:42How do you do?
11:43How do you do, Mrs. Burns?
11:44And Mr. Duffy, if you need me, I'll be in the next room.
11:50Oh, give me a hat. Won't you sit down?
11:52Oh, don't worry about my husband. He doesn't know any more about law than you do.
12:03Now, Mrs. Burns, you said you had a problem.
12:07You said you had a problem?
12:08Oh, yes. Now, if a married couple have a nice house,
12:12and the husband wants to trade it, but the wife doesn't, can the husband do that?
12:17Oh, so that's why he didn't want me to talk to you.
12:20Don't change the subject. Can the husband do that?
12:22Well, that all depends. Who owns this home? I mean, is it community property?
12:26No, it belongs to the husband and wife.
12:28No, no, no. Community property means that it belongs to both parties.
12:33Well, how about that?
12:37No, no. You answer my question first, and then I'll answer yours.
12:42What is your question?
12:44Can the husband do that, remember?
12:46Oh, yes, yes, yes.
12:47He can?
12:48No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't mean that he can. Maybe he can't. Maybe he can. I'm not sure.
12:54Are you sure you're a lawyer?
12:57I thought I wasn't.
12:59Now, let me put it this way.
13:03I once had a client who was married to a very rich woman.
13:07Well, they got into an argument concerning the division of their community property.
13:12Well, she shot him, and I advised him to sue for damages.
13:15Oh, well, you were silly. Wasn't he damaged enough after she shot him?
13:21I'm not sure.
13:23Well, let's get back to our problem. Now, we wouldn't want to shoot Harry.
13:27No, no, of course we wouldn't want to shoot Harry. Why didn't you go and get him?
13:31All right, I will.
13:33Why on earth should we want to shoot Harry?
13:36Why don't you shoot Harry?
13:38Blanche!
13:40Yes, Gracie?
13:41Blanche, is Harry there?
13:42Uh-huh.
13:43Well, would you send him in? Mr. Duffy wants to see him.
13:45Uh-huh.
13:46Gracie, wait a minute.
13:47Hmm?
13:48Who's Mr. Duffy?
13:49Well, I haven't time to tell you now, but he's that rich woman who shot her husband's lawyer.
13:54Uh-huh.
13:56Mr. Duffy, if you need the aspirin, they're in the drawer.
13:59I just sent your wife for you.
14:01It's too late. You asked for her.
14:03But Harry, Harry, please, I, I need help.
14:08Harry? It's too late for the aspirin, too.
14:15I'm sorry, Mr. Duffy.
14:17Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:22No.
14:27Now, where were we?
14:29Oh, Mrs. Burns, I have a feeling that you don't need a lawyer.
14:32I think that this matter can be settled amicably between you and Harry.
14:35Oh?
14:36Remember, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
14:40Mr. Duffy, I didn't hire a lawyer to tell me how to catch flies.
14:43I want to keep Harry from trading his house.
14:46Well, this will do it.
14:48You can make a man do anything you want by being sweet and affectionate.
14:52Really?
14:53Of course. A big hug, a nice warm kiss.
14:57That'll do the trick.
14:59Oh? Well, all right, if you say so.
15:02Say, Gracie, Blanche said...
15:04Oh.
15:07Now you won't trade the house, will you, Harry?
15:10I'm going to get out of this neighborhood if I have to give the house away.
15:14Well, so you call yourself a lawyer.
15:18Oh, if I had that horse, you'd get a whipping you'd never forget.
15:24Goodbye, Mrs. Burns.
15:26Goodbye.
15:29You forgot your hat, Mr. Duffy.
15:32Oh, well, he'll be back for it.
15:44What did you want to see me about?
15:47Mmm, they're delicious.
15:49Huh?
15:50That's for the cookies.
15:52Oh? Well, I'll have to give it to Mr. Delhaven. He bakes them.
15:58Give them to them. They're my favorites.
16:00Gracie, why did you invite Mrs. Johnson here for tea?
16:04Well, if she's going to be our new neighbor, I thought I might as well get acquainted with her.
16:09Oh, then you're not going to stop Blanche from moving?
16:11No, I give up. I'm like Nina Jones.
16:15Nina Jones? Who's she?
16:18She's the woman Blanche never heard of.
16:21I'll have another cookie.
16:24I'm going to miss Blanche.
16:26You don't know what it is to be friendly with a woman for 12 years.
16:29Oh, yes, I do. I've been friendly with a woman for 25 years.
16:33She's very sweet.
16:34Oh. Well, even if she is, you shouldn't compliment her in front of me.
16:38Gracie, I meant that for you.
16:40Oh, thank you.
16:45Oh, there's the tea kettle on.
16:48From time to time and every clam blessings come from a boat.
16:54Come in.
16:58Hello, George.
16:59Oh, hello, Jane. What brings you here?
17:02Well, I don't know exactly.
17:04Must be something for your television.
17:06Must be something for your television show.
17:08Gracie phoned my agent.
17:11A show?
17:13Well, we've got no animal noises, no screams, no motor sounds.
17:18Say, I did a car motor three weeks ago on suspense.
17:21Must have been great. I got a fan letter from a garage mechanic.
17:24Well, that was a nice compliment.
17:26Sit down, Jane.
17:27Hey, Gracie, drink this ale.
17:28Oh, George, I've added something new to my repertoire.
17:30Maybe you can use it.
17:37Well, it's very good. I'll speak to my writers.
17:39Here's the same baby with the colic.
17:49George, that was very pretty.
17:51You haven't done that one in a long time.
17:55I've got some screams I want you to hear.
17:57They're beautiful. I'll close the window.
17:58No, no, no. Not now, Jane. Not now.
18:00Well, one of them is so terrific it even frightens me.
18:02Oh, Jane, you might wake up the mortons.
18:05Hello, Gene.
18:06Hello, Gracie.
18:07Gracie, you phoned Gene. What's it all about?
18:10I can't tell you.
18:11You mean it's a secret?
18:13No, no, I know it. Come on, Gene.
18:18Gracie's up to something.
18:22Oh, you must be Mrs. Johnson.
18:24Yes, and you're Mrs. Burns.
18:26It's so nice of you to ask me here for tea.
18:29Well, I'll serve it here if you want me to,
18:31but it's much more comfortable inside.
18:33Come on in.
18:37Won't you sit down, Mrs. Johnson?
18:39Oh, thank you.
18:40George!
18:41Yeah?
18:42Come on in and meet Mrs. Johnson.
18:43Okay.
18:44And will you bring in the tea with you?
18:45All right.
18:46Well, you have a lovely home here, Mrs. Burns.
18:50Oh, thank you.
18:51Did you build it?
18:52No, we bought it.
18:53I'm not very handy with tools.
18:57Well, here's the tea.
18:58Oh, and this is my husband.
19:00George, I want you to meet Mrs. Johnson.
19:02She's going to be our new next-door neighbor.
19:04Hello, Mrs. Johnson.
19:05How do you do?
19:06Well, I'll pour.
19:08There you are.
19:09Mrs. Johnson, would you like a cookie?
19:12And if you like them, don't kiss George.
19:14Kiss Mr. Delhaven.
19:19It's a little family joke.
19:22Well, I know that you're going to love it here
19:24in this neighborhood, Mrs. Johnson.
19:27By the way, that's a very pretty suit you're wearing.
19:30Ah!
19:32What's the matter?
19:33It's too hot?
19:35Maybe so.
19:36Too sweet.
19:37What was that unearthly scream?
19:39Oh, that's my sister, Bessie.
19:41We've kept her down in the cellar now for four years.
19:50You're not eating your cookie?
19:52Yeah, your cookie is getting cold.
19:55Your sister, is there anything wrong with her?
19:58Why did you ask that?
20:00Yeah.
20:01Why?
20:03I mean, why do you keep her down in the basement?
20:06Oh, well, you see, she has high blood pressure.
20:09And when we keep her down there in the basement,
20:11it doesn't sink so high, it's lower.
20:14And she looks good for her nerves, too.
20:19Sounds like Bessie's voice kind of changed.
20:22Sounds like Bessie's voice kind of changed.
20:27Don't mind him.
20:28It's Bessie milking that poor cow again and she hates it.
20:32The cow or Bessie?
20:34The cow.
20:35You see, Bessie used to be a banana picker.
20:37And every time she milks the cow, she pulls a little too hard.
20:42You can't break yourself for that.
20:45Well, every family has a problem.
20:48Anyway, Mrs. Burns, you must come to my house for tea
20:51after we've moved in.
20:53Oh? You're still going to move in?
20:55Oh, yes.
20:56The Morton house and this neighborhood are so lovely,
20:59I just couldn't give it up.
21:01Well, nice try, Gracie.
21:05Goodbye, Mrs. Johnson.
21:06Goodbye, Mr. Burns.
21:08Goodbye, Bessie.
21:15Mrs. Burns,
21:16I think I know why you've been putting on this little show for me.
21:19But I like the Morton house and this neighborhood so much,
21:22I'd move in even if it were next door to a boiler factory.
21:26And besides...
21:28What's that?
21:29Oh, that's my husband singing.
21:31He sings all the time. He loves it.
21:33Singing?
21:35Well, I wouldn't live next door to that
21:38if they gave me the house for nothing.
21:40Goodbye.
21:42Goodbye, Mr. Johnson.
21:43Goodbye, Mr. Johnson.
21:45Now I'm going to stay
21:47Gramps!
21:48I'm moving on to some wonderful news.
22:01Appearing on tonight's show
22:02were Lester Matthews as Mr. Duffy,
22:04Mary Lansing as Jean,
22:05and Gail Bonney as Mrs. Johnson.
22:13© BF-WATCH TV 2021