Lavell Crawford - New Look, Same Funny (19) - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

After losing over 120 pounds, he's new and improved, ready to tell everyone what's what. From being a big fan of first-term Obama to telling the best way to deal with cops in 2019, there's no denying Lavell is a voice to be reckoned with  #comedy #standupcomedy #standup

Transcript

00:00:00You

00:00:30Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank y'all

00:00:43Boy, golly, give it up for y'all

00:00:47All right

00:00:50Up here, up here in San Antonio

00:00:54I gotta give y'all a dab, I'm up here in the Alamo

00:01:01I know this is where the first win

00:01:04White people lost bad up here

00:01:06There should be more black folks

00:01:08Black folks ran out, I don't know if it's Mexican or whatever

00:01:12They say it's Mexican, but white folks ran the hell out of the Alamo

00:01:15I love white folks, but that's where they had to go

00:01:20All right, we done, we're good, thank you

00:01:22I was like, San Antonio, this is a bad-ass city, man

00:01:26I should have done all my damn specials here

00:01:32I already had championship basketball teams all the time

00:01:35I was winning a lot, a lot

00:01:39A lot until everybody got old

00:01:42Everybody got old, you know

00:01:46Tim Duncan, he's good, that back got bad

00:01:48He was like, all right, I'm gonna wrap it up, you know

00:01:51But y'all was kicking ass

00:01:53Y'all had a dynasty down here

00:01:55I was like, damn

00:01:56Yeah, man

00:02:00Because I live in Texas myself

00:02:02I live in Houston now, I moved to Houston, man

00:02:04Yeah

00:02:04Yeah, I know a little bit about it down here

00:02:08I know one thing, you got U-turns and some bullshit

00:02:11I tell you, I swear to God, I ain't never

00:02:14GPS can't even work down here

00:02:16We got GPS like, like, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho

00:02:20Go back around, dog, I think we missed it

00:02:23Pull over, pull over, pull over

00:02:26I ain't never heard a GPS say, pull over

00:02:29And if you miss your turn, you got to go all the way

00:02:34To Abilene

00:02:36Make a laugh at El Paso

00:02:41And come back around

00:02:42And nobody know how to get nowhere around this son of a bitch

00:02:47Hey, I get down the street

00:02:49Uh, this street

00:02:50Down what street

00:02:52I'm like, oh shit, you don't know your way around

00:02:54Well, just go around the U-turn

00:02:57And come back around

00:02:59See, I like this part of Texas

00:03:01Because in Houston, they don't have the quick trip

00:03:03Y'all, that quick trip ought to change

00:03:05Y'all know about that quick trip?

00:03:08Some of y'all don't know nothing about it

00:03:10It's a gas station

00:03:11But it got a hot dog bar out there

00:03:13You can put everything in there on that hot dog bar

00:03:18It's like, they have peppers and onions

00:03:20And you look at that hot dog

00:03:22You know how long before they're ready

00:03:23And it's always a hot dog chef

00:03:28Six more turns

00:03:30All right, I'm counting to

00:03:34One

00:03:35Two

00:03:37I forgot I got some gas

00:03:42Oh shit, give me five on ten

00:03:44I forgot about that damn gas

00:03:47You got six hot dog kids

00:03:52You're like, can we get one?

00:03:54You should have been in there

00:03:55You didn't help me count the turns

00:03:58You don't get no hot dog

00:04:00Well, man

00:04:03But it's good to be here, man

00:04:05I mean, for real

00:04:06I'm turning 50

00:04:07I'm 50 years old

00:04:09Yeah

00:04:11Everything

00:04:12You know, when you turn 50

00:04:14Everything change

00:04:15You don't be giving a shit about a lot of things

00:04:17No more

00:04:17I don't care about a lot of stuff no more

00:04:20I don't be getting snapped

00:04:21Like, brothers try to draw me into the racism

00:04:24Just pull me in

00:04:25All that racism

00:04:26I can't get into it

00:04:28I mean, we've been around a long time

00:04:30I got

00:04:31You know, and black people try to hang on to racism

00:04:33Like, we ain't racist

00:04:34Black folks are racist, too

00:04:35You know you racist

00:04:38You know your ass racist

00:04:39Black people

00:04:40Like, our racism just don't have no power, though

00:04:43You know

00:04:43Our racism can't stop shit

00:04:46White people can stop you from moving in a neighborhood

00:04:50Black folks

00:04:51There's not a power right here

00:04:53Bring your white ass up

00:04:54Your hair is full

00:04:55Bring your ass in, white boy

00:04:57And see where you're happy to

00:04:59White dude, I'm coming in anyway

00:05:01Hey, brother, we're like

00:05:05Welcome to Popeye's, man

00:05:07I'll take your order

00:05:08Black folks

00:05:12Try to get you all in that stuff

00:05:14I mean, for a while

00:05:15We was going through it

00:05:16I mean, we fussed about Donald Trump

00:05:18Donald Trump, fuck up

00:05:19We know he horrible

00:05:20We know it

00:05:21Everybody, you see what Donald is?

00:05:23Yeah, all right, we know

00:05:24All right, you ain't getting no gold medal for saying this shit

00:05:27I said it on TV

00:05:29Fuck Donald Trump

00:05:30Then your lights cut off

00:05:31All right, I'm sorry

00:05:32Time your black ass down

00:05:36You get two blacks

00:05:38See, that's what I'm talking about

00:05:39Right there

00:05:39He over man

00:05:40Fuck Donald Trump

00:05:42We know he fucking up

00:05:44He talking about building that wall

00:05:45And all that bullshit

00:05:47It was funny to me

00:05:48It was funny to me

00:05:48Because people was upset

00:05:49He gonna be like

00:05:50You know how long he gonna take your ass

00:05:51To build a wall

00:05:52Across the night

00:05:53He ain't even gonna be

00:05:55He'll be assassinated by the time

00:05:57Not that I'm saying

00:06:02Not that I'm saying

00:06:04He

00:06:04Don't be pushing

00:06:06Don't slow your ass down

00:06:07But I just look at the way shit going

00:06:11You know

00:06:11I don't think he

00:06:13He make me laugh

00:06:14That's why I like him

00:06:15Whenever you make people pissed off

00:06:18I think it's funny as shit

00:06:20Because he always doing some funny ass shit

00:06:23He shut the government down

00:06:24Black folk

00:06:25Black people blame the shutdown on everything

00:06:31Yeah, man

00:06:32That's why I ain't looking for no job right now

00:06:34Damn government shut down

00:06:41I would have made it to church

00:06:44But you know

00:06:45I heard my cousin on the phone

00:06:51The child's boy checked late

00:06:53Because the government shut down

00:06:56Call your government

00:06:58And ask them

00:06:59Call Trump

00:07:00He didn't want to shut the shit down

00:07:02That's why I ain't got no check for you

00:07:03Them kids gonna have to understand

00:07:06The government

00:07:06They don't hear

00:07:11Some of this shit

00:07:11Some of this shit don't even affect us

00:07:14We be thinking about shit

00:07:15That I don't hear

00:07:16It don't even affect

00:07:17Black folk, they're mess

00:07:20Because we don't have this shit

00:07:21As long as they don't shut the dollar store down

00:07:24I'm good

00:07:24You can survive

00:07:32Everything a dollar

00:07:34Everything 99 cents

00:07:35They got groceries in the dollar store

00:07:37They got groceries in there

00:07:39You can buy groceries in the dollar store

00:07:41You can eat

00:07:42You gotta eat it in a line though

00:07:44You can't

00:07:45You can't take it home

00:07:47Put it in the refrigerator

00:07:47You get some lunch meat out of here

00:07:49I'm gonna eat right here

00:07:51Hit a rabbit

00:07:52Because that shit gonna deteriorate

00:07:54I bought some eggs

00:07:58They hatched in line

00:08:00You can't

00:08:04And black folks will make up a lie

00:08:06My grandmama

00:08:07You tell old folks some shit

00:08:08Like the government shut down

00:08:10Lord have mercy

00:08:11The government shut down

00:08:13Ain't no plane in the sky

00:08:15They still flying

00:08:17Where they flying at

00:08:19They flying illegally

00:08:20Because they ain't supposed to be up in the air

00:08:23The government shut down

00:08:26I mean, there's people that didn't make no sense

00:08:28Talking about the government shut down

00:08:29My weed man talking about

00:08:31Dog

00:08:31All I got is dime bags today, dog

00:08:35This damn government shut down

00:08:37Tripping

00:08:38If you don't get your dumb ass out of here

00:08:41All these black people suffer

00:08:45Them little baby mamas out there

00:08:46I can't use my EBT card

00:08:49When they open it back up

00:08:52This is ridiculous

00:08:53Can they open up

00:08:55Give it my damn check

00:08:57I want my check

00:09:00And Donald Trump

00:09:09He gonna build a wall

00:09:10Just gonna let my Uncle Jesse go down there

00:09:12He ain't gonna use good material

00:09:14He ain't gonna use no brick

00:09:16He gonna

00:09:16All right, I put brick over here

00:09:21But where we ran out of money

00:09:22We gonna put up wallpaper

00:09:24It looks like brick

00:09:25As long as they don't run over here

00:09:28They good

00:09:28They run over here

00:09:30They in the United States

00:09:31That's all I'm gonna say

00:09:32Give my money player

00:09:34It's up

00:09:35Shit

00:09:35We

00:09:39We

00:09:40We

00:09:41We

00:09:42We

00:09:43We

00:09:44We

00:09:45We

00:09:46We

00:09:47We

00:09:48We

00:09:49We

00:09:50We

00:09:51We

00:09:52We

00:09:53We

00:09:54We

00:09:55We

00:09:56We

00:09:57We

00:09:58We

00:09:59We

00:10:00We

00:10:01We

00:10:02We

00:10:03We

00:10:04We

00:10:05We

00:10:06We

00:10:07We

00:10:08We

00:10:09We

00:10:10We

00:10:11We

00:10:12We

00:10:14We

00:10:16We

00:10:17We

00:10:18We

00:10:19We

00:10:20We

00:10:21We

00:10:22We

00:10:23We

00:10:24We

00:10:26We

00:10:27and gas is $1.94.

00:10:33I ain't talking good about them.

00:10:35Only people booing ain't got no car.

00:10:37Shit.

00:10:39Shit.

00:10:40Shit.

00:10:41Shit.

00:10:42I loved Obama, but when he was talking about gas

00:10:44at $4.96, where I was, I was like,

00:10:46get your black ass out of that damn office.

00:10:49I can't go nowhere with your black ass in that office.

00:10:52You fucking up, Obama.

00:10:53You fucking up.

00:10:54I loved Obama.

00:10:55I loved him the first time.

00:10:57I loved Obama the first time.

00:11:03That second time, I was kind of ready for him

00:11:05to get out of there.

00:11:06We was getting fucked up on the regular with him.

00:11:08He was getting fucked up so bad shit.

00:11:11I was a kid.

00:11:12You had to play dead just to be around the police.

00:11:24You know shit bad when you got to wear a fan

00:11:27with your union shirt to say your life matter.

00:11:31I had to wear a shirt to say my life matter.

00:11:34That's some bullshit.

00:11:36I paid no shirt $25 a piece.

00:11:39Shit, what if my shirt is in the dryer right now?

00:11:43Skin heavy.

00:11:44Hey, boy, what's wrong with you?

00:11:45Are you suicidal?

00:11:47I'm like, what you mean, wear your fucking shirt at?

00:11:52Is it spin cycle right now?

00:11:58You better get that damn shirt out of your ass a day.

00:12:00Are you here, mate?

00:12:02I go get my son's shirt on.

00:12:04It's so little and tight, it don't even say black lives.

00:12:07It's just St. Madison on that son of a bitch.

00:12:15I'm 50 now.

00:12:16I can't get enraged no more.

00:12:18I can't.

00:12:19I'll be white like they're talking.

00:12:20You used to call Kanye West sellout motherfucker.

00:12:23Huh, Kanye West.

00:12:24I still like his music, but we knew Kanye was crazy.

00:12:27We knew.

00:12:28Y'all knew his ass off his damn mind.

00:12:30You know, he hanging out with them Kardashian's hair.

00:12:32Them girls crazy as hell.

00:12:34You know, they're evil.

00:12:35They ain't got no talent.

00:12:36Been on TV for 13 fucking seasons.

00:12:39And they talked their daddy into cutting their dick off.

00:12:42You know.

00:12:47He a gold medalist.

00:12:49He was running the hurdles.

00:12:50That's when you used to cut your dick off,

00:12:52when you was running the hurdles.

00:12:53His uses at 67.

00:12:55He ain't got no dick no more at 67.

00:12:58He got a vagina.

00:12:59You don't jump in that vagina gang like that.

00:13:01Look at this.

00:13:02You don't jump in the vagina gang.

00:13:04That vagina gang is hard.

00:13:07Shit, women grew up with that thing.

00:13:10They know how to do this.

00:13:11You ain't got no owner's manual or nothing.

00:13:15You don't know how to.

00:13:16Women can pee in a soy sauce bottle this damn big

00:13:21and won't spill a drop.

00:13:24Men can't even pee on the urine or right.

00:13:26We pee on the urine.

00:13:27We act back here.

00:13:28We lean up.

00:13:29We got to hold it down.

00:13:32And then it still get a little bit of pee puddle

00:13:34under the damn urine.

00:13:37And I'm 50, so I pee long.

00:13:39My son, eight, he pee like a laser.

00:13:41Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

00:13:42Done.

00:13:43I'm 50.

00:13:44I'm leaning on the shit.

00:13:45Oh, God.

00:13:49Whew, whew.

00:13:50And then, you know you grow on, when you name the pee.

00:13:55That's that sweet tea right there.

00:13:57I have a stream and drop

00:14:05Then finally it all come out

00:14:10Then I think I'm done

00:14:13I pull it back in my underwear

00:14:15A little stream run down

00:14:16Oh man, I thought I was

00:14:27Talking about black folk got mad at Kanye

00:14:32Kanye, Kanye, Kanye

00:14:33See Kanye was crazy

00:14:35Kanye went on there with a group

00:14:36Make America Great Again hat on

00:14:38And then he gonna go say

00:14:40Slavery was a choice

00:14:42Black folk got mad like we were still slaves

00:14:44What did them motherfuckers say?

00:14:47Oh my God, oh my God

00:14:49Math, I need a half a day off

00:14:52I need to highlight this guy

00:14:55Let me tell you something

00:14:56It didn't even fade me

00:14:58Cause I ain't never been a slave

00:15:00I don't know nothing about slavery

00:15:02I seen a documentary

00:15:03Like everybody in here

00:15:05I don't know shit about it

00:15:07But what they tell me

00:15:08And I can't get mad about it

00:15:10Cause I wasn't one

00:15:11I don't know

00:15:12See, I can sit up here

00:15:15And live in your little world

00:15:16That's some bullshit

00:15:17Hold on, bro

00:15:18None of us could have been a slave

00:15:20None of us could have been a slave

00:15:22You would

00:15:23Let me tell you something

00:15:24If I was back in slavery day

00:15:26I would have died at orientation

00:15:28I was like, ho, ho, ho

00:15:41Master, ho, ho

00:15:42What'd you say now?

00:15:45You can say

00:15:45Oh, Lord, I'm disson

00:15:46Lord

00:15:47We gotta pick 1,500 pounds of cotton

00:15:51A piece

00:15:53It ain't even a group

00:15:57Oh, my

00:16:00Oh, Lord

00:16:01Oh, Lord, we gotta sing, too?

00:16:06Oh, Lord, who has achieved this before?

00:16:10This is a hell of a feat

00:16:12How do you get 1,500 pounds of cotton a day?

00:16:16It's so light

00:16:17You ain't got no other openings like

00:16:23Buggy driver

00:16:25Read your kids a story

00:16:30Runaway slave snitcher

00:16:34I'm gonna lose that job

00:16:43The first day I'm out there

00:16:46The first day I'm out there

00:16:47All right

00:16:48Half a day cotton check, boy

00:16:49Half a day cotton check

00:16:51Let's see how much progress you done made

00:16:52I'll be like

00:16:53How you doing, sir?

00:16:57I did the best I could today

00:16:59I worked through break

00:17:01It was hot out here

00:17:02And I sang the whole time

00:17:05I was able to bless you

00:17:07With eight pounds of cotton

00:17:08Boy, you mean to tell me

00:17:14You've been out here for eight

00:17:16Eight whole hours

00:17:18All you got me is

00:17:19Eight pounds of cotton, boy

00:17:21That's all you got

00:17:22Well, sir, this is my first day on the job

00:17:24I did the best I could

00:17:28I mean, I promise you

00:17:29I'll make more progress tomorrow

00:17:30I might get to 10 or 11 tomorrow

00:17:32And I had to pee in that bag

00:17:34To get you that eight pounds

00:17:35Boy, you're a disgrace

00:17:40Let me see what my go-to slave

00:17:42What you got for me, 10 bucks?

00:17:44What you got?

00:17:44Just my luck

00:17:45I'm about to overachieve a slave

00:17:47What you got for me, 10 bucks?

00:17:49Well, sir

00:17:49I got a gout

00:17:51I think I need my penny taken out

00:17:53I got a sore stomach

00:17:55And I had a dizzy spell

00:17:56But I was able to bless you

00:17:58With 1,500 pounds of cotton

00:17:59How the hell you get 1,500 pounds of cotton?

00:18:08I was standing right next to your ass

00:18:10When did this happen?

00:18:1310 bucks

00:18:13You mean to tell me

00:18:14You blessed me

00:18:15With 1,500 pounds of cotton

00:18:16And you sick as a dog

00:18:17And you still got 1,500 pounds

00:18:19And this boy over here

00:18:20Well, as he want to be

00:18:21Ain't got but eight pounds of cotton

00:18:23Boy, what you got to say for yourself?

00:18:24Well, I think 10 bucks

00:18:27Throw some of my damn cotton

00:18:28And I think he pissed the shit

00:18:35In his bag, too

00:18:36And if his ass

00:18:38Picking 1,500 pounds of cotton

00:18:40What the hell I'm doing out here for?

00:18:42Shit, this position is filled

00:18:44That ain't no job for me

00:18:48I don't know nothing about this

00:18:50I can't get all into that

00:18:53I be watching Facebook

00:18:54And I find out

00:18:55I ain't black enough

00:18:56They be showing so many brothers

00:18:58Getting messed up by the police

00:19:00I mean, the police grabbing them

00:19:01Throwing them out of the car

00:19:02We need to share this, brother

00:19:03Let them know

00:19:04How they doing us out here

00:19:05And I'm like, damn

00:19:06That's terrible

00:19:07But every time you turn around

00:19:09There's another brother getting choked

00:19:10Another brother getting choked

00:19:11I'm like, damn

00:19:12That's a lot of chokings

00:19:14And I want to march

00:19:16But I mean

00:19:17I want to find out

00:19:18Did y'all edit this shit?

00:19:20We don't know exactly what happened

00:19:22We get over mad

00:19:24We got to find out

00:19:25Because, you know

00:19:26Cops are mean

00:19:27They can be mean

00:19:28But most of the time

00:19:29If you chill out

00:19:30They usually go

00:19:31Here your ticket

00:19:32And get your black ass out of here

00:19:33It don't never be over that

00:19:36You know

00:19:36But they don't never show the brothers

00:19:38You know

00:19:39Snapping off

00:19:39Motherfucker, I know my right

00:19:41You ain't gonna do me like this

00:19:42Officer, what the fuck

00:19:43You doing damn piss

00:19:44Aren't we fucking with black people

00:19:46See, that shit gonna get you fucked up

00:19:48I'ma just share something

00:19:50With my young black brother

00:19:51Because the older black brother

00:19:52Know

00:19:53Angry black negro

00:19:54All we get is pepper spray

00:19:56Taze

00:19:58And shot

00:19:58Anytime you snap off

00:20:00You get pepper spray

00:20:02Taze

00:20:03And shot

00:20:03I'm a lawyer

00:20:04Pepper spray

00:20:05Taze

00:20:06And shot

00:20:07I pay my taxes

00:20:08Pepper spray

00:20:10Taze

00:20:11And shot

00:20:12I'm President Obama

00:20:13Pepper spray

00:20:14Taze

00:20:16And shot

00:20:18The best thing is

00:20:20Shut your ass up

00:20:21Get your ticket

00:20:22And go about your damn business

00:20:23Always trying to be the hood cat

00:20:25Always trying to be the man

00:20:26Trying to show off to the police

00:20:27He ain't gonna

00:20:28Okay

00:20:28Alright

00:20:29I was with my cousin one day

00:20:31He was so called

00:20:31Quote on call

00:20:32Real

00:20:33He's so real

00:20:36You know

00:20:37And I was in the car

00:20:39When the police pulled up

00:20:39My cousin goes

00:20:43Don't worry about it

00:20:44I'm finna handle this

00:20:45Punk ass thing

00:20:47What'd you say?

00:20:55Watch this cud

00:20:56I'm finna handle this shit

00:20:58I said

00:20:58Okay

00:20:59When that cop started walking

00:21:03In that car

00:21:04I went in

00:21:04Instant survival mode

00:21:05Only thing I ain't do

00:21:07Is go special knees

00:21:08On his ass

00:21:09I went

00:21:09And the police came up

00:21:29Flashing like

00:21:29What's wrong with your boy

00:21:30Over there

00:21:31My cousin

00:21:31He didn't know

00:21:33I went in

00:21:33Special knees mode

00:21:34He goes

00:21:35I'm right here

00:21:42He said

00:21:44I don't know

00:21:46And in the missing

00:21:49Handing this bitch

00:21:51With the police

00:21:52I

00:21:52I special knees

00:21:55My way out of their seatbelt

00:21:57And I special knees

00:21:59All the way back

00:21:59To this police car

00:22:01And I set the hell down

00:22:03The police came

00:22:10What the hell

00:22:10You doing in my car

00:22:11I said

00:22:12Hi sir

00:22:12I

00:22:17I

00:22:20I ain't special knees

00:22:21For real

00:22:21But I am

00:22:22Riding in the car

00:22:24With a

00:22:24Real nigga

00:22:25That's what he said

00:22:28He was a real nigga

00:22:29I don't know

00:22:31What type of nigga

00:22:31I am

00:22:32But

00:22:32I

00:22:35I know

00:22:36I'm not a real nigga

00:22:37Sir

00:22:37He said

00:22:40He's about to handle you

00:22:41He's about to check you

00:22:42Or something

00:22:42And I know

00:22:45This is going to lead

00:22:46To being pepper sprayed

00:22:47And shot

00:22:48And

00:22:48Tased also

00:22:51And

00:22:51I'm going to just say this

00:22:52I love hot sauce

00:22:54On my

00:22:54Fish and chicken

00:22:56And

00:22:57I love electricity

00:22:58Going to my house

00:22:59And

00:23:00Charging on my phone

00:23:01Not going through my body

00:23:02Make me flip like a catfish

00:23:03I don't like lead at all

00:23:07So

00:23:07After you get done

00:23:08Doing that to him

00:23:09I'm going to need a ride home

00:23:10I don't got time to prove nothing to nobody

00:23:25Police pull me over

00:23:26I'm going to kill you

00:23:27You can judge me if you want to

00:23:29But

00:23:30Police pull me over

00:23:31I ain't no real nigga

00:23:32I'm Uncle Tommy

00:23:34Like a motherfucker

00:23:35Police pull me over

00:23:37I'm in that car

00:23:37Just like this

00:23:38Hi sir

00:23:42I'm so thankful

00:23:45You pulled me over

00:23:46It's a blessing

00:23:49That you pulled me over

00:23:50Because I was out here like

00:23:51Lord oh lord

00:23:52What I'm out doing

00:23:53In Jasper Testament

00:23:55It's late lord

00:23:56Lord what I'm doing over here

00:23:58Jesus

00:23:58I'm so thankful

00:23:59Officer Cunningham

00:24:00Was able to pull me over

00:24:02And pull me in the right direction

00:24:04It's so late too

00:24:05It's one o'clock in the afternoon

00:24:06It's too late

00:24:08To be out here like

00:24:09I told my wife

00:24:10What we doing out here

00:24:11It's late

00:24:12She said

00:24:13I got a taillight out

00:24:14God bless you sir

00:24:15Cause

00:24:16You an expert

00:24:17I didn't even know

00:24:18My taillight was on

00:24:19God bless you sir

00:24:21Bless you sir

00:24:22I got a hairlight out

00:24:23I don't even have them on

00:24:24How you know they're out

00:24:25Thank you sir

00:24:28Bless you Jesus

00:24:28Bless you

00:24:29Can I pray with you

00:24:30Heavenly Father

00:24:34Please get this wonderful officer

00:24:36Officer Cunningham

00:24:37Safe out here

00:24:38Protecting peoples like myself

00:24:40Keeping me and my wife

00:24:41And kids safe

00:24:42From all that danger

00:24:44Jesus

00:24:44Get them home to his family

00:24:46Jesus

00:24:46These words of Christ

00:24:48Praise

00:24:49Amen

00:24:49You take care of sir

00:24:52God bless you

00:24:53Soon as he pulled off

00:24:55I Tupac

00:24:58Nat Turner

00:24:58Ice Cube

00:25:00Like my

00:25:00Pussy ass

00:25:01Bitch

00:25:01Ass cop

00:25:02Punk

00:25:03Motherfucker

00:25:04Swear to God

00:25:05You know how I do

00:25:06If that bitch ass

00:25:07Didn't know no better

00:25:09I'd have reached

00:25:09In my blood to pop

00:25:10Got my clack out

00:25:11It'd be another story

00:25:13Up in this bitch

00:25:13Click click bang

00:25:14Bitch

00:25:15Click click bang

00:25:16Bitch ass

00:25:17Pussy ass

00:25:17Punk ass

00:25:18Big

00:25:19Fuck all the

00:25:19Pussy ass police

00:25:21Out there

00:25:21I'm a nut

00:25:22Bitch

00:25:23I ain't see you there

00:25:32I ain't know you came back

00:25:36We were just about to get out of here

00:25:39Sir

00:25:39Oh you give me the ticket

00:25:41When I have my seatbelt on

00:25:43God bless you

00:25:44Can I pray with you again

00:25:45But

00:25:48But we keep it real man

00:25:51Life

00:25:51Life is too short

00:25:53To be worrying about bullshit

00:25:54That's what I was saying

00:25:55I don't trip no more

00:25:58I turned 50

00:25:59I realized I was grown as hell

00:26:01I respect it

00:26:02Cause when you turn 50

00:26:03You know

00:26:04Things change

00:26:05They were talking about

00:26:0630's the new 20

00:26:0740's the new 30

00:26:0850 is just damn 50

00:26:10That's all it is

00:26:11Ain't nothing new about that shit

00:26:13Ain't nothing new

00:26:15The only thing new

00:26:17You learn how to do shit right

00:26:18Like walk upstairs

00:26:20You grab that handle

00:26:21That's what it's for

00:26:22Plant your feet

00:26:27Lift your leg

00:26:28Walk up

00:26:29Slow

00:26:30Don't rush out there

00:26:31Some bitch

00:26:31Twist your damn ankle

00:26:32I ain't trying to press nobody here

00:26:36I'm 50

00:26:37I feel like I'm 16

00:26:38And say I don't do shit

00:26:39Like I did 16

00:26:40I don't jump up

00:26:42And jump off

00:26:42Small shit

00:26:43Break all the bones

00:26:44Of my damn ankle

00:26:45Be in the hospital

00:26:46Lying

00:26:47Talking about

00:26:47I fell off my motorcycle

00:26:48On Highway 10

00:26:50Trying to save a deer's life

00:26:52Get the hell out of here

00:26:53Shit

00:26:54I knew I was grown

00:26:55When I was sitting on the toilet

00:26:56I was sitting on the toilet

00:26:59And I said

00:27:00Damn

00:27:01This water cold

00:27:01I thought my dickhead

00:27:07Was sitting in the water

00:27:08I looked down

00:27:11My balls

00:27:12Floating on the water

00:27:13Like two chocolate balloons

00:27:15And I was like

00:27:19Oh no

00:27:20Cause I just took a doo-doo

00:27:22They was already sitting in the doo-doo water

00:27:25But if one of them turds brushed up again

00:27:27I'm gonna have to take another bath

00:27:29So I hoisted my nuts up

00:27:32And set them on my lap

00:27:33Then my wife come in

00:27:36And tell me

00:27:36Who's baby you got on your lap

00:27:38And I was looking like

00:27:42First of all

00:27:43What an absurd question to ask

00:27:45Why would I sit up here

00:27:47With my drawdown

00:27:48With a baby sitting on my lap

00:27:50Second of all

00:27:56What baby you know

00:27:58Look like nut skin

00:28:00Everybody here know what nut skin

00:28:03Look like

00:28:03Look like a knee-tap skin

00:28:05And your elbow skin

00:28:06If you see a baby

00:28:10With full nut skin

00:28:12All over his body

00:28:13You need to get him

00:28:14To a dermatologist

00:28:15For a minute

00:28:15But if you think about it is

00:28:25You know

00:28:26I know people say

00:28:27What's your name

00:28:28Your special call

00:28:29New look

00:28:30Saying funny

00:28:30You know

00:28:31I tell you

00:28:32Let me give it up

00:28:33For my son

00:28:34My son did this picture right here

00:28:37Son D'Angelo McMahon

00:28:43Did his picture

00:28:44And this young lady

00:28:45From Instagram

00:28:46Did the one in the back

00:28:47See it's basically

00:28:48What it is

00:28:48A transition

00:28:49I lost 180 pounds

00:28:50See it right there

00:28:51Yeah

00:28:52See right there

00:28:56I got the towel

00:28:57And it's choking the shit

00:28:58Out of me

00:28:59And then over there

00:29:01I look like a sugar daddy

00:29:02Yeah

00:29:02I just

00:29:05The new look

00:29:06Ain't funny

00:29:07You know

00:29:07That's where it came from

00:29:08I lost 180 pounds

00:29:09And I ain't do it

00:29:11For a round of applause

00:29:12I did it

00:29:12Because I was about to die

00:29:13You know

00:29:14My check engine light

00:29:16Kept coming on

00:29:16That mother

00:29:19Was coming on

00:29:20Like a son of a bitch

00:29:21You know

00:29:21And you know

00:29:22You walk up

00:29:24A couple steps

00:29:24Hot damn

00:29:25How many flights

00:29:26Was it

00:29:27No flights

00:29:30It was two steps

00:29:30Them son of a bitch

00:29:31They need to escalate

00:29:34Into some bitch

00:29:34Yeah

00:29:37I knew I was getting

00:29:38Too damn big

00:29:39I was getting too big

00:29:40When you snow

00:29:40While you're awake

00:29:41You'll be around

00:29:42Motherfucker like that

00:29:43He was looking right at you

00:29:44Snoring right at you

00:29:45Where y'all about to go

00:30:03When you sleep

00:30:07Uh uh

00:30:09Part of your ass was sleep

00:30:11Your ass was open

00:30:13But the rest of your ass

00:30:15Was sleeping

00:30:15But they

00:30:22You know

00:30:23You get too

00:30:24I was getting big

00:30:25I know I was too big

00:30:26And I

00:30:26I couldn't even sleep

00:30:27On my back

00:30:28And I'd hang myself

00:30:29You know

00:30:30My head

00:30:31Was that fucking heavy

00:30:32I was like

00:30:33Well you better put a pillow

00:30:35On your head

00:30:36Or you'll die

00:30:37But I

00:30:40I know

00:30:41I knew

00:30:41I got too bad

00:30:43Because you know

00:30:43Because people always say shit

00:30:44To fat folks all the time

00:30:45Always got shit to say to us

00:30:47You know

00:30:47Like we need your advice

00:30:49We've been fat a long time

00:30:51We know where we're going through

00:30:52We don't need your damn help

00:30:54I hated doctors

00:30:55Doctors are ass

00:30:56So I go to the doctor

00:30:57I went even in there

00:30:58To see the doctor

00:30:58The doctor come in

00:31:00And fuck with me

00:31:00Right on the back

00:31:01Hey you sir

00:31:02I know

00:31:03Without a doubt

00:31:05You have sleep apnea

00:31:07I said

00:31:16First of all

00:31:17Brother

00:31:17You don't know me

00:31:19And you can kiss my ass

00:31:21Putting my business

00:31:22Out in the street

00:31:23First of all

00:31:24I know

00:31:24I ain't got no sleep apnea

00:31:26He said

00:31:26How you know

00:31:27Because I wear

00:31:27A condom

00:31:28He got mad

00:31:37When you dumb son of a bitch

00:31:38You don't know

00:31:38What sleep apnea is

00:31:39I said

00:31:39I don't give a shit

00:31:40What sleep apnea is

00:31:41He said

00:31:42Well I'll tell you anyway

00:31:43Do you snore in your sleep

00:31:44I don't know

00:31:45I be sleep

00:31:47Dumbass

00:31:48You ever stop breathing

00:31:51In your sleep

00:31:52Once again

00:31:53Hello

00:31:54I be sleep

00:31:56What kind of stupid ass

00:31:57How the hell

00:31:58You become a doctor

00:31:59And these stupid ass questions

00:32:01You know what

00:32:02I'm taking me

00:32:02And my Obamacare

00:32:03Somewhere else

00:32:04Hell I didn't even know

00:32:13I snore at that one time

00:32:14About to go to sleep

00:32:15My wife said

00:32:15Ooh

00:32:16Let me get to sleep

00:32:18Before you

00:32:19I know you about to

00:32:22Call them hollows

00:32:23I said

00:32:25Shut your ass up

00:32:26Because she snore too

00:32:27But she got that

00:32:28Little punk ass noise

00:32:29It sound like a typewriter

00:32:31I said

00:32:35Will you wake up

00:32:35And finish that fucking letter

00:32:36My wife beautiful

00:32:42But women are vindictive

00:32:44You know

00:32:44They vindictive

00:32:45My wife had the audacity

00:32:47To record me snoring

00:32:49On her iPhone

00:32:51Time I press play

00:32:53And watch this

00:32:54I press play

00:32:57I'm on that snow

00:32:58Like this

00:32:58I sound like a biggie record

00:33:08Baby baby

00:33:11And that ain't even the worst part

00:33:17My son

00:33:18He's a beautiful boy

00:33:19But he's just like me

00:33:20And he

00:33:22He's mini-mean

00:33:23He's sleeping in bed with us

00:33:24Sometime

00:33:25He be on one side of bed

00:33:26I'm on the other side

00:33:27He's on the other side

00:33:29He's on the side

00:33:31Oh

00:33:32Oh

00:33:34Oh

00:33:35Oh

00:33:37I'm like

00:33:38I can't take this shit

00:33:40No more

00:33:40I said

00:33:42Go write your letter

00:33:43Somewhere

00:33:43Because every man in here can attest to this

00:33:52with your wife or your girlfriend.

00:33:53No, you're tired.

00:33:54All you've got to do is go like,

00:33:55baby, baby, wake up.

00:33:56What's wrong?

00:33:57What's wrong?

00:33:59You're snoring.

00:34:01That's what you're supposed to do

00:34:03when you sleep.

00:34:06That's how you know I'm alive.

00:34:10If you're in here,

00:34:11call the ambulance.

00:34:16Some bad shit going down.

00:34:23And one night, I went to sleep before my wife got in bed before.

00:34:26I went to sleep before, and I was in the bed.

00:34:29All right, ooh, baby, lay on your stomach.

00:34:31You're snoring.

00:34:32I said, okay.

00:34:33Oh, shit, you farted.

00:34:35Lay back on your back.

00:34:36Oh, shit, lay on your side.

00:34:39Oh, shit.

00:34:40I can't take either noise.

00:34:41I'm going to go sleep in the car.

00:34:48Now, I know I ain't the only one farting they sleep.

00:34:51Anybody else in farting they sleep?

00:34:55It happens.

00:34:56No control.

00:34:58You have a fart in your sleep and wake yourself up.

00:35:00Hello, who's in there?

00:35:09I can smell you,

00:35:10and I can hear you.

00:35:14Show your stinking self.

00:35:16And I must fart a lot in my sleep,

00:35:22because my wife be trying to get revenge on me.

00:35:24I know she's trying to get revenge,

00:35:26because she's asleep with her ass up on the pillow by my face.

00:35:30But she fart entirely too hard to be asleep.

00:35:34I said, uh-uh, open your damn eyes.

00:35:38Open your eyes.

00:35:38There ain't no way you can fart like that and be asleep.

00:35:44You were asleep with your muscle memory last week.

00:35:47I had to go get my whole body re-skinned and burnt.

00:35:52We had to burn these fillocates

00:35:53and give Junior two, three or four chemical baths.

00:35:56But they always trying to give a fact,

00:36:15because I was in fact tonight.

00:36:18I got up to like 550 pounds.

00:36:20Yeah, yeah.

00:36:21People go, ooh, ooh.

00:36:24People always say shit.

00:36:25You better lose weight.

00:36:27You gonna die fat.

00:36:29I'm like, what kind of stupid ass did he die fat?

00:36:32If I was fat before I died, I'm gonna be fat when I'm dead.

00:36:35I ain't worried about that.

00:36:36That's my paw bear's worried.

00:36:39They're gonna have to carry my ass.

00:36:40Nothing but the ride.

00:36:44You dragging them.

00:36:50Let them go.

00:36:51Put them down.

00:36:52What the fuck do you mean we dragging them?

00:36:54We gotta drag them.

00:36:54You feel how heavy there's some bitch there?

00:36:57Shit, why you had to die on my day off?

00:36:59Shit.

00:37:00Ooh-wee.

00:37:02Look at that program make sure my name on that shit.

00:37:06Don't look at me like that pastor.

00:37:07You ain't even help carrying.

00:37:08You walking with your Bible.

00:37:09I ain't doing shit for it.

00:37:11Call on the Lord,

00:37:12cause we need some more help now.

00:37:15Where we gotta take this body anyway?

00:37:18Up them steps.

00:37:19Bullshit.

00:37:20Uh-uh.

00:37:21Uh-uh.

00:37:21Everybody come on down.

00:37:22Come on down.

00:37:23I ain't got no more sick days.

00:37:25Uh-uh.

00:37:25Come on.

00:37:26He didn't walk up the stairs when he was alive.

00:37:29And I ain't had no problem being big.

00:37:42I used to be fat tonight, though.

00:37:44I for real.

00:37:45I didn't even think I was that damn big.

00:37:47I used to watch this show,

00:37:48My 600-pound Life.

00:37:51For real.

00:37:51While eating my dinner.

00:37:55Judging like a sunbitch.

00:37:57Like, now,

00:37:57there's some fat motherfuckers on there.

00:37:58If I look like that,

00:38:03I'll get my shit together.

00:38:08I finished eating,

00:38:09walked past the mirror like,

00:38:10Oh, my God.

00:38:11I'm gonna be on next season.

00:38:15But that show is bullshit.

00:38:18Gonna try to portray fat people as unhappy.

00:38:20Fat people are not unhappy.

00:38:22There is no truth in that

00:38:23they are not unhappy.

00:38:25We are happy people.

00:38:26For real.

00:38:27Food is not drug.

00:38:28We are not unhappy.

00:38:30We are unhappy.

00:38:30We eat some Cinnabon,

00:38:32eat some Blue Bell ice cream.

00:38:33We be high.

00:38:36You skinny people are not unhappy.

00:38:38You're popping molly,

00:38:39doing Percocet,

00:38:41sipping on syrup,

00:38:43smoking lace-ass marijuana,

00:38:44make your ass

00:38:45wake up, you done gave a dog a blowjob.

00:38:58Cinnabon ain't never made me blow a dog.

00:39:04Unless he was made of Cinnabon.

00:39:07Then I weigh it up.

00:39:08Is it fresh?

00:39:09Fat people are never unhappy.

00:39:16We ain't nothing happy.

00:39:18Skinny people are unhappy.

00:39:19You see them at the fast food restaurant.

00:39:21They on their cheat day.

00:39:22I really want to eat something bad today.

00:39:25This is my cheat day.

00:39:26I really want something.

00:39:27I really want a double cheeseburger.

00:39:29If I get the double cheeseburger,

00:39:30I ain't gonna be able to get the fries.

00:39:31But if I get the fries,

00:39:31I won't be able to get the chocolate shake.

00:39:32And I love that chocolate shake.

00:39:34Oh, I'm so confused.

00:39:35I don't know what I want, sir.

00:39:36You can go ahead of me.

00:39:37Good, bitch.

00:39:38Move out of the way.

00:39:38Yeah, give me a double cheeseburger.

00:39:43Everything on that, bitch.

00:39:45And a triple cheeseburger the same way.

00:39:50Give me a large fry.

00:39:53Put cheese on that something, bitch.

00:39:56And a large chocolate shake.

00:39:59Shit, put cheese on that, bitch.

00:40:06Give me something to drink, too.

00:40:08I'll take a Diet Coke.

00:40:12Yeah, put cheese on that shit.

00:40:14And I hate when you eat.

00:40:16You know, the only problem with eating bad

00:40:17is you always eat around some, some, bitch.

00:40:19They always want the so-called

00:40:21self-proclaimed nutritionist.

00:40:23You know, eat all that food

00:40:25and go to sleep.

00:40:28Yes.

00:40:30That's what you do when you're sleepy.

00:40:33You go to sleep.

00:40:35You know, you gonna wake up dead.

00:40:36What kind of stupid-ass shit is that?

00:40:39Who the hell you don't wake up dead?

00:40:41When you're dead, you don't wake the fuck up.

00:40:44That's how you know you're dead.

00:40:46Like, oh, he up, he dead.

00:40:47Just the shit.

00:40:49Dumbass, I ain't never heard of nobody

00:40:50wake up dead.

00:40:51I ain't never heard of nobody wake up dead.

00:40:55Oh, come on.

00:40:59Oh, my God, she was right.

00:41:03I woke up dead.

00:41:05Man, please.

00:41:18It's the dumbest thing, you know.

00:41:20And they, you know, because I,

00:41:22I lost weight because people always think

00:41:23they can say anything to fat people anyway.

00:41:25Like, you know, like,

00:41:26and like people asking,

00:41:27you lost weight, but what was your favorite restaurant?

00:41:30I said, I used to love the Golden Corral, boy.

00:41:32I used to love to go around.

00:41:38I like going early before all them damn people

00:41:41with them bad-ass kids come up in there.

00:41:43You know, kids come up there,

00:41:45mess up a buffet.

00:41:46Little boy, I was in there one time,

00:41:47right after Turtle or something,

00:41:49been standing right at the McAchee.

00:41:51He ain't about to sneeze, God.

00:41:53So he right there,

00:41:54sneeze right in the McAchee with Hacksoo.

00:41:58I fucked his ass up with that spoon.

00:42:00Pack out!

00:42:03He had McAchee running all down his face.

00:42:05I said, that'll teach you to cover your damn mouth.

00:42:09And I put some McAchee on my plate.

00:42:13It was hot.

00:42:14It probably burnt all the bacteria.

00:42:16I like the Golden Corral,

00:42:24but people think they can say anything.

00:42:26I'm going in the Golden Corral one day.

00:42:27The dude ran right past me.

00:42:28Woo!

00:42:29Let me get in front of you.

00:42:35I know you about to wreck this place, ain't you?

00:42:39It's about to be apocalyptic of it.

00:42:41I was driving in the parking lot.

00:42:43I seen your big ass sliding towards the door.

00:42:46I said, please, Heavenly Father,

00:42:47just let me find a parking space

00:42:49anywhere, Lord,

00:42:51so I can just get one plate, Jesus.

00:42:53Give us your will.

00:42:54So I just parked illegally

00:42:56and ran in front of you.

00:42:58Thank God you had on flip-flops.

00:42:59I would have never made it.

00:43:00And they mean in the Golden Corral.

00:43:09They mean as hell in the Golden Corral.

00:43:11I go in the Golden Corral.

00:43:12I go in the Golden Corral.

00:43:14I want some dark meat chicken.

00:43:15I want some dark meat chicken.

00:43:17Excuse me.

00:43:19When you're going to bring

00:43:19any more dark meat chicken out?

00:43:21Look, they're going to talk about it.

00:43:21When you leave.

00:43:26Disrespectfully.

00:43:26And the manager

00:43:32never say nothing to nobody.

00:43:33He's going to have the nerve

00:43:34to say something to me.

00:43:35He's going to have the nerve

00:43:36to say something to me.

00:43:37He's going to come up to me

00:43:37and tap me on the show

00:43:38while I'm enjoying my meal.

00:43:40Hey, big man,

00:43:41just letting you know

00:43:42we close at 9.30.

00:43:48Well, I don't know

00:43:49why you're telling me that.

00:43:51It ain't nothing but 12 noon.

00:43:55Just like I said,

00:43:56I said, bruh.

00:43:58We close at 9.30.

00:44:02I said, all right, all right.

00:44:04I'd be out here by 8.45.

00:44:07That's what you said yesterday

00:44:09and I had to play my employee

00:44:10a time and a half.

00:44:11You better be out here

00:44:12by 8.45.

00:44:13I'm going to call the police.

00:44:14I was like,

00:44:16I had to get the hell out of here.

00:44:17I ain't want to be

00:44:18that's embarrassing

00:44:19to get arrested

00:44:19going out of the Golden Corral.

00:44:20What'd he do?

00:44:21What'd he do?

00:44:24He asked for more dark meat.

00:44:26I love to go and corral,

00:44:32but my mom always

00:44:32want to tag along.

00:44:33My mom here,

00:44:34my mom here.

00:44:35She came down to San Antonio

00:44:37to support me.

00:44:38I love, I love my mama.

00:44:44I love my mama.

00:44:45That's my girl.

00:44:47She's been there all the time,

00:44:49but she always want to go

00:44:50to Golden Corral with me.

00:44:52And my mama is a racist.

00:44:54A racist against fat people.

00:44:58For real, she is.

00:45:00She's lost a lot of weight.

00:45:01She's beautiful,

00:45:02but she's still thick,

00:45:03you know,

00:45:03but she's hard on fat folk.

00:45:05We can't even enjoy our meal.

00:45:07She's talking about

00:45:07every fat person

00:45:08coming to the door.

00:45:09I'm talking about,

00:45:09look, look, look, look,

00:45:10look, look, look.

00:45:10Look, look, but don't look.

00:45:21And then she's like,

00:45:22her big ass,

00:45:23no, she don't need

00:45:24to be up in here.

00:45:26Big ass sliding across the floor

00:45:28with them ballerina shoes on.

00:45:31Lord, what ballet

00:45:33is her big ass?

00:45:35Sliding past the salads

00:45:37to the fudge,

00:45:38to the chicken,

00:45:39to the fudge.

00:45:40She's putting fudge

00:45:41on her damn chicken.

00:45:43This child here,

00:45:44Lord have mercy.

00:45:45And got a nerd

00:45:45to have on one of them

00:45:46pink,

00:45:47Victoria's Secret

00:45:48pink jogging suits.

00:45:49It supposed to say

00:45:50pink on the back

00:45:51of the pants,

00:45:52but the I and the N

00:45:53in the crack of her ass.

00:45:56All they say is,

00:45:57p-cack.

00:46:03And that's the noise

00:46:04it's going to make.

00:46:05We should try to get

00:46:06the I and the N

00:46:07out of the crack of her ass.

00:46:08P-cack.

00:46:08And I know,

00:46:13I know,

00:46:14I know you,

00:46:16you joke,

00:46:17do fat jokes

00:46:17about women,

00:46:18fat jokes

00:46:18about men

00:46:19is always all right,

00:46:20but when you do

00:46:21fat jokes

00:46:21about fat women,

00:46:23they get mad

00:46:23right away,

00:46:24you know,

00:46:24and ain't no,

00:46:25ain't no double standards,

00:46:27you know,

00:46:28everybody need

00:46:28a joke about,

00:46:29you know,

00:46:30and your friends

00:46:31ain't your damn

00:46:32friend,

00:46:33and they don't tell

00:46:33your ass

00:46:34you're big.

00:46:34Big girls

00:46:35are beautiful.

00:46:36You're beautiful

00:46:37in your own way.

00:46:38Just don't be trying to,

00:46:39yeah,

00:46:39you can clap for yourself.

00:46:41Big men are beautiful.

00:46:42Shit,

00:46:43big men clap for yourself.

00:46:45Shit.

00:46:46Ain't no shame

00:46:46in the game.

00:46:47Don't be ashamed.

00:46:48You can get a woman,

00:46:49big men get a girl

00:46:50just like a little man.

00:46:51A little man just work out.

00:46:52Big man gonna be there

00:46:53when she come back

00:46:54from working out.

00:46:55You always want

00:46:59a man around.

00:47:00You got a round man

00:47:01just around.

00:47:10But look,

00:47:11you know,

00:47:12big girls get mad,

00:47:13but I just,

00:47:13what bothers me

00:47:14about big girls,

00:47:15they always trying

00:47:16to hang with

00:47:16their skinny friends,

00:47:17going shopping

00:47:17where their skinny friends

00:47:18shop.

00:47:19Your skinny friends

00:47:20shop there

00:47:20don't mean you guys

00:47:21shop there.

00:47:22I mean,

00:47:22you're just trying

00:47:23to follow the leader.

00:47:24You be your own leader.

00:47:25You know,

00:47:25she got her story,

00:47:26you got your story.

00:47:26But when your ass

00:47:27walking up in Forever 21

00:47:29and you know

00:47:29you can't fit much

00:47:30in that sumbitch,

00:47:33when you walking

00:47:34through the aisles

00:47:34and shit sticking

00:47:35to your ass

00:47:36and you ain't

00:47:37picked it up,

00:47:38you don't supposed

00:47:39to be in there.

00:47:40But your friend

00:47:41ain't telling your ass

00:47:42the truth.

00:47:42Got on some damn

00:47:43legging ass

00:47:44out the back

00:47:45like it's working

00:47:45security.

00:47:47Ass looking

00:47:48all in the back

00:47:49of it.

00:47:51Shoulders big as mine

00:47:52got on a halter top.

00:47:55And there's a belly

00:47:58top.

00:47:58Both her belly

00:47:59buttons sticking out.

00:48:02And she turn

00:48:03around to her

00:48:04skinny friend

00:48:04and if she ain't

00:48:05no real friend,

00:48:06you know she ain't

00:48:07can turn around,

00:48:08girl,

00:48:08it's this cute.

00:48:10And your skinny

00:48:10friend look at you.

00:48:11She had,

00:48:11I was in the store,

00:48:12I saw this,

00:48:13I was with my wife,

00:48:13she a petite woman,

00:48:14we was in the store,

00:48:15she was over there

00:48:16shopping,

00:48:16I seen this shit

00:48:17went down.

00:48:18The skinny girl

00:48:19looked at her fat friend

00:48:20and said,

00:48:20yeah girl

00:48:20that's real cute

00:48:22girl,

00:48:22that's real cute

00:48:24but what makes

00:48:24that really cute

00:48:25then she stepped

00:48:26on another level

00:48:27gonna talk about

00:48:28what would make

00:48:29that really cute

00:48:29is you put this

00:48:30chain belt

00:48:31around your belly

00:48:32butt.

00:48:33That's when I

00:48:34stepped in,

00:48:34no bitch,

00:48:35no.

00:48:38She is not

00:48:39your fucking

00:48:39friend,

00:48:40she is a lying

00:48:41whore.

00:48:43That does not

00:48:44look good on you,

00:48:45don't you dare

00:48:45put that chain belt

00:48:46around your belly

00:48:47butt,

00:48:47make it look like

00:48:48your stomach's

00:48:49in the penitentiary.

00:48:52And you get

00:48:52out of them

00:48:53leggings,

00:48:53them are not,

00:48:54you need asses,

00:48:55it's not covering

00:48:56your ass.

00:48:57And that's a

00:48:57halter top,

00:48:58the key word

00:48:58to that is

00:48:59halt,

00:49:00and put that

00:49:00shit back

00:49:01on the rack.

00:49:03Get your

00:49:04big ass

00:49:04out of here.

00:49:06This is not

00:49:06your story,

00:49:07this is Forever

00:49:0721,

00:49:08Forever 42

00:49:09is down

00:49:10the street.

00:49:17And I

00:49:17told that

00:49:18joke

00:49:19earlier

00:49:19in the night

00:49:21and I'm all,

00:49:23you know,

00:49:23I ain't never

00:49:24here to make

00:49:24you love me,

00:49:26I make you laugh,

00:49:27sometimes you

00:49:27have a critic,

00:49:29and as soon

00:49:30as I told

00:49:31that joke,

00:49:31this,

00:49:32I guess,

00:49:32the national

00:49:33president

00:49:33of Big

00:49:34Girls.

00:49:40She stood

00:49:41out,

00:49:42excuse me,

00:49:43Mr. Carl,

00:49:44don't give a shit

00:49:45if this is

00:49:46your little taping,

00:49:47but for your

00:49:48information,

00:49:53Forever 21

00:49:54has a plus

00:49:56section now.

00:49:58And I looked at her

00:50:00and I said,

00:50:01you mean,

00:50:01tell me you're gonna

00:50:02get your ass up

00:50:02to fuck up my show

00:50:04and tell me

00:50:06you ain't got a plus

00:50:07section,

00:50:07but let me let you

00:50:08in on sessions.

00:50:09Yeah,

00:50:10they may have a plus

00:50:11section,

00:50:12but when I look at you,

00:50:13they need a multiple

00:50:14cases to say.

00:50:21You pass pluses,

00:50:23baby,

00:50:23you need

00:50:24extras up in that

00:50:25motherfucker.

00:50:27All I'm saying

00:50:28is stay

00:50:30in your lane.

00:50:33Stay

00:50:33in your lane.

00:50:36Stay in your lane,

00:50:38Brian.

00:50:38Stay on your avenue.

00:50:46Stay with your friends

00:50:48Ashley and Stuart.

00:50:57You never,

00:50:58I don't pick on big girl,

00:50:59you never catch my big ass

00:51:00up at Amory Cumbrian Finch

00:51:02trying on no skinny jeans,

00:51:04pushing all my fat

00:51:05to the top.

00:51:06I'm looking like

00:51:07a turkey drumstick.

00:51:10My ass on my back

00:51:12looking like

00:51:12a leather backpack.

00:51:15Maybe like,

00:51:15ooh,

00:51:16is that that new

00:51:16Gucci backpack?

00:51:17No,

00:51:17that's my ass.

00:51:20I thought it stink.

00:51:21I thought you had

00:51:21a sandwich in there

00:51:22or something.

00:51:22but,

00:51:37but,

00:51:38you know,

00:51:42in the midst of it,

00:51:43you know,

00:51:43like I talk about

00:51:44the new look,

00:51:45same funny,

00:51:46you know,

00:51:46one of the things

00:51:47about it was

00:51:48the new look,

00:51:49you know,

00:51:49I had,

00:51:50you know,

00:51:50people say,

00:51:51what's your secret to this?

00:51:52What'd you get?

00:51:52You know,

00:51:52I gave her sugar

00:51:53for three months.

00:51:54You know,

00:51:54that's a hell of a give up

00:51:55because sugar's like crack,

00:51:56man.

00:51:56You,

00:51:57you get that shit up,

00:51:58boy,

00:51:58you like,

00:51:59damn,

00:51:59boy,

00:51:59I'll sell some ass

00:52:00for a Twinkie.

00:52:02I don't give a fuck,

00:52:03you know.

00:52:04I ain't really say that,

00:52:05but I'm just saying,

00:52:06but,

00:52:07you know,

00:52:08but you get,

00:52:08you get,

00:52:09you get in the thing,

00:52:10but I lost like 70 pounds,

00:52:11you know,

00:52:12doing that.

00:52:13Sugar's a hell of a thing.

00:52:14Plus,

00:52:14you know,

00:52:15I had diabetes,

00:52:16I was on drugs,

00:52:16medicine,

00:52:17and all that shit,

00:52:19and I wasn't taking

00:52:19my diabetes medicine right,

00:52:21I was taking it with sweet tea,

00:52:22you know.

00:52:25But,

00:52:26but the thing about it was,

00:52:28you know,

00:52:28I,

00:52:28you know,

00:52:29I did a lot of things,

00:52:30but,

00:52:30you know,

00:52:31I had weight loss surgery,

00:52:32and people say,

00:52:33oh,

00:52:33that's a cop-out.

00:52:34I said,

00:52:34bullshit.

00:52:35I had a gastric sleeve,

00:52:37dog,

00:52:37you ain't never been in no surgery.

00:52:39You know,

00:52:39I had to get half my damn

00:52:41stomach cut out

00:52:42just to losing damn weight.

00:52:43That's some shit.

00:52:44You know,

00:52:46and you got to be

00:52:47mentally ready for that shit,

00:52:49because you can't

00:52:49fuck yourself up,

00:52:50you know.

00:52:51Man,

00:52:51I got half a stomach,

00:52:52but I still eat

00:52:53a half a turkey.

00:52:54No.

00:52:59Slow your ass down.

00:53:01You know,

00:53:01it ain't like that.

00:53:02I mean,

00:53:03I used to get my stomach

00:53:04down there the size of a Twinkie.

00:53:05I used to get a whole box of Twinkie.

00:53:07Now,

00:53:07I can eat one piece of the Twinkie

00:53:08and put the rest in my pocket.

00:53:12But,

00:53:13you know,

00:53:13I was in that surgery,

00:53:14man,

00:53:14and I don't like surgery,

00:53:15man.

00:53:16I did.

00:53:16I went to the doctor,

00:53:17so I won't have to go

00:53:18to that son of a bitch

00:53:18no more.

00:53:19And I went in there

00:53:20for that surgery,

00:53:21man,

00:53:21and that shit,

00:53:22that's a mission

00:53:23for your ass

00:53:24when you go in there,

00:53:25because they don't,

00:53:25you know,

00:53:26when you go in the surgery,

00:53:27it's almost like,

00:53:27man,

00:53:27you be scared,

00:53:28like you're going to wake up

00:53:29and you're a white man

00:53:30inside you

00:53:31controlling your ass

00:53:32like on Get Out.

00:53:33You running and shit.

00:53:41What the hell

00:53:42am I eating hummus for?

00:53:43But,

00:53:47but,

00:53:48but I mean,

00:53:48they be so,

00:53:49so,

00:53:50you know,

00:53:50in the hospital,

00:53:51they so,

00:53:51you know,

00:53:52they give you

00:53:52these little bullshit,

00:53:53little nurses

00:53:54that talk to you,

00:53:55and I mean,

00:53:56they great,

00:53:56you know,

00:53:56they talk to you

00:53:57and they just hype you up

00:53:58like this lady.

00:53:59She was,

00:53:59hi,

00:53:59I'm Stephanie,

00:54:00I'm your anesthesiologist,

00:54:01and we're going to take you down

00:54:03and we're going to give you

00:54:03a little bit of sedative

00:54:04at a time

00:54:05because when we did

00:54:06some x-rays on your heart,

00:54:07we found that you

00:54:08wasn't getting proper

00:54:08blood flow,

00:54:09but we're going to

00:54:10still sedate you.

00:54:11I said,

00:54:11uh-uh,

00:54:11bitch,

00:54:11no,

00:54:12you're not.

00:54:13Bitch,

00:54:14if I'm almost going to die,

00:54:15you're going to kill my ass.

00:54:17Let's hold up.

00:54:18Where the doctor at?

00:54:18This is bullshit.

00:54:19Bitch,

00:54:20you better not put me on it.

00:54:21And I thought I was still

00:54:22cussing her ass out.

00:54:23I don't know what

00:54:24they get your ass in there,

00:54:25but I woke up,

00:54:26she was gone.

00:54:27I was like,

00:54:27Aunt Ferdamore,

00:54:28bitch,

00:54:29what?

00:54:36Oh,

00:54:37my God.

00:54:39Where'd she go?

00:54:40She's been gone for four hours.

00:54:41Four hours?

00:54:42What did y'all do to me?

00:54:43Do I still got my dick?

00:54:44I know it's little,

00:54:45but it's all I got.

00:54:47Oh,

00:54:48please don't take my dick.

00:54:50And I was in pain

00:54:52like a motherfucker.

00:54:52I was in pain,

00:54:53my stomach was hurting and shit.

00:54:55And I was like,

00:54:55man,

00:54:56y'all trying to kill me, man.

00:54:57I was going through,

00:54:58he said,

00:54:58sir,

00:54:59we're going to give you

00:54:59some pain medicine.

00:55:00What are we going to give you?

00:55:01They gave me something

00:55:02that shit called Loretab.

00:55:04Now,

00:55:04you know what that shit is?

00:55:09I ain't never did crack,

00:55:10but I realized

00:55:11I took that Loretab,

00:55:14and let me tell you something,

00:55:15I just came out of surgery

00:55:16about an hour ago,

00:55:18hour out of surgery,

00:55:19and I took that Loretab,

00:55:20I was ready to fuck up everybody.

00:55:21I don't give a fuck,

00:55:22bitch,

00:55:22I'm ready,

00:55:23bitch,

00:55:23I had surgery in my stitches.

00:55:25I fucked your ass up,

00:55:26bitch.

00:55:26Hit me in the stomach,

00:55:27motherfucker,

00:55:27I ain't ready,

00:55:28I'm a gangster.

00:55:29But it wore off in 20 minutes.

00:55:32Why that motherfucker

00:55:33punched me?

00:55:36But I take that Loretab,

00:55:37and I was getting hooked on it.

00:55:39I was getting hooked on that shit

00:55:40so bad,

00:55:40I started having nightmares

00:55:42that I was selling ass

00:55:44to get Loretab.

00:55:47I was selling man pussy.

00:55:53I had a horrible nightmare

00:55:55that I had a G-string on

00:55:58with some fish in that stock.

00:56:00Hey, big boy,

00:56:01want to hook you up

00:56:02for some Loretab?

00:56:03I woke up checking my ass

00:56:07and shit.

00:56:10I can't do that shit no more.

00:56:12I had to get out that shit quick

00:56:13because that shit was addictive, man.

00:56:16It was addictive.

00:56:17But every time I come in pain,

00:56:19I just take a little sip.

00:56:20But I was out there bad, man,

00:56:22and I was out there bad,

00:56:23and they wouldn't give you

00:56:25no food, man.

00:56:26You couldn't eat.

00:56:27That's how you lose

00:56:27all that damn weight.

00:56:28You can't eat

00:56:29for damn 24 hours

00:56:30because they got me

00:56:31some surgeries and stuff,

00:56:32and they got the glue

00:56:33and the tape

00:56:34and the fucking

00:56:34staples on your ass.

00:56:36And I was sitting there like,

00:56:37oh, shit.

00:56:37I'm hungry.

00:56:38I'm thirsty.

00:56:40I'm so thirsty.

00:56:42Oh, God.

00:56:42I'm so thirsty.

00:56:43And I had this nurse,

00:56:45and I called her

00:56:46my white angel nurse,

00:56:47and she was so sweet.

00:56:49And she was like,

00:56:50I was like,

00:56:50oh, white angel nurse.

00:56:53I'm so thirsty,

00:56:55white angel nurse.

00:56:55I'm about to pull my IV out

00:56:57and just drink it.

00:56:57I gotta drink something.

00:57:01Can I get a cool glass

00:57:02of ice water?

00:57:03I'll do anything you want.

00:57:05Self-send my ass.

00:57:06I'll do anything.

00:57:08She's like,

00:57:09Mr. Carver,

00:57:09you can't drink anything

00:57:10because you had surgery,

00:57:12but I can put some ice water

00:57:14on some sponges,

00:57:15and you can swab it

00:57:16on your lip.

00:57:17I said,

00:57:18oh, please.

00:57:21And when she gave me

00:57:23these swabs,

00:57:23I'm gonna keep it real with you.

00:57:25I was gay for five minutes.

00:57:28I was sitting there

00:57:29right here.

00:57:33I deep-throated the shit.

00:57:37And I forgot

00:57:38I had a gag reflex.

00:57:41And I thought

00:57:42I was by myself.

00:57:43Next thing you know,

00:57:44I must have been

00:57:45doing it so well.

00:57:46The janitor outside,

00:57:47like, he had his pants down.

00:57:48Goddamn, boy,

00:57:49that boy made me bustin' up.

00:57:50What the fuck you doin' out here?

00:57:57I'm doin' good now, boy.

00:57:59I'll be back

00:58:00to clean your room

00:58:01personally.

00:58:03Like, oh, no,

00:58:04somebody shut my door.

00:58:06And I knew I had to get

00:58:08the fuck out of there

00:58:09then, man.

00:58:10I knew I had to get

00:58:10the fuck out of there

00:58:11then when that damn

00:58:13old man was in there.

00:58:15I had to get my shit together.

00:58:17And I was so, you know,

00:58:17because the hospital

00:58:18ain't the place to be, man.

00:58:19I hate being in the hospital, man.

00:58:21It's so lonely.

00:58:22And I'm in there

00:58:23trying to get some sleep.

00:58:24They don't never let you rest.

00:58:25I'm in there

00:58:26trying to sleep.

00:58:27It's 2 o'clock

00:58:27in the damn morning.

00:58:29Hear this lady

00:58:29come out of the shadow.

00:58:30I'm hallucinating.

00:58:31I was like,

00:58:33oh, my God.

00:58:35Are you the deaf angel?

00:58:38She said, no,

00:58:38I'm Dr. Teriyaki.

00:58:39How are you?

00:58:40I'm like,

00:58:41I said, your name

00:58:43ain't no damn

00:58:43Dr. Teriyaki.

00:58:45Am I hallucinating?

00:58:47I am not at a Panda Express.

00:58:48What kind of shit is this?

00:58:52She said, Mr. Cromwell,

00:58:53my name is Dr. Teriyaki.

00:58:54I'm here to check on you.

00:58:55I'm here all night.

00:58:56I'm here to check on you.

00:58:56I write my name on the board.

00:58:57I said, okay, Dr. Teriyaki,

00:59:00if you can give me

00:59:00one of them sponge,

00:59:02ice,

00:59:02them ice,

00:59:05them ice water sponges,

00:59:06I really appreciate it.

00:59:08And make sure

00:59:08they're challenged

00:59:08and they don't know about it.

00:59:14And I mean,

00:59:14I couldn't get no damn sleep.

00:59:16And I,

00:59:17and next thing you know,

00:59:18I woke up again

00:59:18and this lady grabbed my arm

00:59:20and taking my van.

00:59:21So, what the fuck are you?

00:59:21I said, hello, Mr. Cromwell.

00:59:23I'm here for about a minute,

00:59:24Miss Orange Chicken.

00:59:25I said, bitch, you.

00:59:28Do you know Miss Teriyaki?

00:59:30Cause,

00:59:31ain't no way

00:59:32your name is Orange Chicken.

00:59:34I'm here to take your blood.

00:59:36Why the fuck you wait there

00:59:37at three o'clock in the morning

00:59:38and take my blood?

00:59:39Do you even work here, bitch?

00:59:40Are you a vampire?

00:59:43Security!

00:59:43White Angel Nurse,

00:59:46I need you.

00:59:47But the White Angel Nurse

00:59:49had left.

00:59:51She was out there anymore.

00:59:53And who was there

00:59:54to replace her

00:59:55but the night

00:59:57Negro Nurse.

00:59:59And when I tell you

01:00:02she was the meanest

01:00:04son of a bitch

01:00:07I've ever been around

01:00:08in my life.

01:00:09She coming in,

01:00:10wake your black ass up.

01:00:11You gonna get up.

01:00:13Yeah, I know your ass

01:00:14just came out of surgery.

01:00:15You ain't getting no more

01:00:16ice water and none of that shit.

01:00:17You gonna get up

01:00:18and do some walking

01:00:18so you can walk

01:00:19your big ass out of here.

01:00:20I said,

01:00:20I'm like,

01:00:22you can't talk to me

01:00:23like that.

01:00:24I just came out of surgery.

01:00:27You ain't had enough

01:00:27of a little bullshit answer.

01:00:29They just lazy.

01:00:30Your ass gonna get up

01:00:31and walk.

01:00:31I said,

01:00:32I'm not walking anywhere.

01:00:34You wanna just die?

01:00:35You wanna catch a blood cock

01:00:35go up to your brain

01:00:36and kill your ass?

01:00:37I said,

01:00:38the way you talking to me?

01:00:39Yes.

01:00:40Yes, I'll take one.

01:00:42Where's my White Angel Nurse at?

01:00:44You ain't got nothing

01:00:45but real nigga nurses now.

01:00:47I'm like,

01:00:47oh.

01:00:50Oh, no.

01:00:57You gonna get up

01:00:57and walk?

01:00:58No,

01:00:58I am not gonna walk.

01:01:01I said,

01:01:01when I walk

01:01:02was when you show me

01:01:03that bill.

01:01:04When you show me

01:01:04that bill,

01:01:05I show your ass

01:01:06a fucking miracle

01:01:07because I'm gonna

01:01:07walk out of here.

01:01:11I was sick of that.

01:01:12I'm in pain night,

01:01:14Negro Nerd.

01:01:17Can you please

01:01:18give me some Lord Taff?

01:01:20Oh,

01:01:20so you wanna sell

01:01:21man pussy, huh?

01:01:27How do you know

01:01:28about that?

01:01:30I'm the Negro

01:01:30knows I know

01:01:31everything.

01:01:33Can I at least

01:01:34get an ice cold swab?

01:01:35Oh, you wanna be gay

01:01:36for five minutes?

01:01:37No!

01:01:38Let me go get

01:01:39Janet the John then.

01:01:40Damn!

01:01:43I'm sick of your shit.

01:01:45I'm gonna show you

01:01:45I can walk

01:01:46so I can get

01:01:46the hell out of here.

01:01:47And I thought

01:01:48I was gonna just

01:01:49get up and just

01:01:49walk around,

01:01:51you know,

01:01:51the front desk and shit.

01:01:53This hell for had me

01:01:54out in the middle

01:01:55of traffic.

01:01:57With an IV

01:01:58dodging traffic.

01:02:00I ain't have no

01:02:01sidecars.

01:02:02I was like,

01:02:02this bitch is crazy.

01:02:03Run, motherfucker.

01:02:04Run that surgery out of here.

01:02:05You want a blood clot,

01:02:07motherfucker?

01:02:15I was so thankful

01:02:16day came

01:02:17and my white angel

01:02:18nurse came back.

01:02:20I said,

01:02:20don't ever leave me

01:02:21again,

01:02:22white angel nurse.

01:02:24That evil

01:02:24night Negro nurse.

01:02:27made me run

01:02:28in the highway.

01:02:30Oh,

01:02:30I like Brenda.

01:02:31Brenda!

01:02:32She wasn't

01:02:33Brenda last night.

01:02:34She said she was

01:02:35a real nigga nurse.

01:02:38She didn't play.

01:02:39She didn't play.

01:02:41I gotta get out of here,

01:02:43white angel nurse.

01:02:44Can you let me out?

01:02:45She said,

01:02:45only way you can leave

01:02:46is if you pass the stool

01:02:48or you fart,

01:02:49you know,

01:02:50and that means

01:02:50you gotta take a shit

01:02:51or you gotta fart,

01:02:53you know?

01:02:53And I said,

01:02:54shit,

01:02:54I fart all the time.

01:02:56Shit,

01:02:56I could have been

01:02:57out of here

01:02:57if I knew that.

01:02:58Hell,

01:02:59I thought I was

01:02:59gonna shit on myself

01:03:00out there running

01:03:00in traffic.

01:03:03She said,

01:03:04you gotta fart.

01:03:05And when she said that,

01:03:06I thought I could fart,

01:03:07but after surgery,

01:03:07you cannot fart.

01:03:09I don't know what they do.

01:03:10They take your fart

01:03:11volume off

01:03:12or what?

01:03:13I don't know

01:03:14what happened

01:03:15if you can't fart.

01:03:15I'm trying to fart.

01:03:17I couldn't shit,

01:03:19fart or nothing.

01:03:19I said,

01:03:21damn,

01:03:21they must have

01:03:21took my farting powers

01:03:22when they took

01:03:23half my stomach.

01:03:25I guess my wife

01:03:26is happy

01:03:27I won't fart

01:03:28in my sleep anymore.

01:03:29I said,

01:03:30I couldn't fart

01:03:33for nothing.

01:03:33And finally,

01:03:34I squished

01:03:34all my muscles

01:03:35and I finally

01:03:36got a little bit out.

01:03:38And I even

01:03:39opened my butt cheek

01:03:40trying to let

01:03:41the air out.

01:03:42Why do that?

01:03:43Here comes Janet

01:03:43this time.

01:03:44About time

01:03:44you come around.

01:03:46What the fuck

01:03:47are you doing here?

01:03:49Get out of here.

01:03:50Do you not

01:03:50take any days off?

01:03:56I locked my door

01:03:57and put a chair

01:03:58up on that damn thing.

01:03:59I'll be out here

01:04:00waiting.

01:04:01Shut up!

01:04:03And I finally

01:04:04got a little peep

01:04:05fart.

01:04:05I was like,

01:04:05peep.

01:04:07It was like

01:04:07a little peep.

01:04:08I said,

01:04:08oh,

01:04:09morning,

01:04:10white angel

01:04:10nurse,

01:04:11I farted.

01:04:12I farted.

01:04:13She came in.

01:04:14She was so sweet.

01:04:15She clapped.

01:04:15Yay!

01:04:18We need a bunch more.

01:04:19I said,

01:04:20how many of the fuck

01:04:21you need?

01:04:22I started farting so much.

01:04:24I was up there.

01:04:25My ass was beatboxing.

01:04:27I put my ass on the intercom.

01:04:32She was like,

01:04:33what is that?

01:04:33Curtis Blow, bitch.

01:04:34Let me out of here.

01:04:35I was so glad to get out of that hospital.

01:04:41I ain't know what to do.

01:04:43I feel better, though.

01:04:45I'm lighter.

01:04:46You look great, Levin.

01:04:47Thank you, sweetie.

01:04:52The only reason I talk about it

01:04:53is to inspire people.

01:04:55If you ever feel that way, man,

01:04:57it ain't never too late.

01:04:58My mama went and did it.

01:04:59My baby sister inspired me to do it.

01:05:02And then my mom,

01:05:03I inspired my mom.

01:05:04It was crazy.

01:05:04You know,

01:05:05we all living a longer life,

01:05:06feeling better.

01:05:07My mama got a new attitude.

01:05:09She throwing her hair.

01:05:15My wife,

01:05:15my wife is beautiful.

01:05:17And she was blessed

01:05:18to get two different men.

01:05:19First, she had Heavy D.

01:05:23Now she got Denzel.

01:05:29I see a few haters in here.

01:05:33Denzel,

01:05:34Baby Bean Rhames.

01:05:49It's all good.

01:05:51My baby,

01:05:51she support me,

01:05:52you know.

01:05:53And I did it for me

01:05:54to lose weight out of hell.

01:05:56But I did it for my family also.

01:05:58You know,

01:05:59I'm blessed, man.

01:06:00You got beautiful wife and kids,

01:06:02you know.

01:06:02And I want to be around

01:06:03and my son ate.

01:06:04I got a beautiful daughter.

01:06:06And so my daughter did my makeup.

01:06:07My son did the art.

01:06:09You know,

01:06:09I mean,

01:06:10I got talented family members

01:06:11and inspired them.

01:06:14Yes.

01:06:15Most definitely,

01:06:16I got my brother.

01:06:18He worked for me.

01:06:19My role manager.

01:06:20He's my food tester.

01:06:22You know.

01:06:22And my security.

01:06:25And my security.

01:06:25I mean,

01:06:26you know,

01:06:26I'm able to,

01:06:27you know,

01:06:28you know,

01:06:28put generations of love.

01:06:30Got to be with my wife.

01:06:31She's doing her thing in boutique.

01:06:33She's fine.

01:06:33She's gorgeous.

01:06:34I don't know why she's with me,

01:06:35but I upgraded myself

01:06:36so I can be with her.

01:06:38You know.

01:06:39Yeah.

01:06:39And when you get gifts like that,

01:06:43like my son,

01:06:43you know,

01:06:44God gave me a gift,

01:06:45you know,

01:06:46a little baby.

01:06:46I didn't expect I was going to have one.

01:06:48Then I have him.

01:06:49And, you know,

01:06:49he growing up,

01:06:50you know,

01:06:50this kid wanted to do other shit,

01:06:52you know.

01:06:53You know,

01:06:53he wanted to do shit

01:06:54like go to water parks and shit.

01:06:56And when I was bigger,

01:06:57I didn't want to do that shit.

01:06:58And that's when he wanted to go.

01:07:00Then he wanted to go to the water park.

01:07:02And they had this big old commercial.

01:07:03Come on down to Big Splash

01:07:04where you can splash

01:07:05all day long.

01:07:06We got slides for everyone.

01:07:08We got,

01:07:08even for the parents,

01:07:09we got the river of tranquility.

01:07:11And my son,

01:07:11you know,

01:07:12you can float on the river of tranquility

01:07:14with a little Mai Tai

01:07:15and float on the inner tube

01:07:17while they go sliding shit.

01:07:18But,

01:07:19you know,

01:07:19we get,

01:07:19you know,

01:07:20he wanted to go,

01:07:20hey,

01:07:20I want to go.

01:07:21I said,

01:07:21man,

01:07:22I don't look good in no swimsuit,

01:07:23bruh.

01:07:23I don't know.

01:07:24We're going to have to wait

01:07:24until your mama go.

01:07:25No,

01:07:26daddy,

01:07:26I really want to go.

01:07:27I really want to go.

01:07:28I said,

01:07:28really?

01:07:28He said,

01:07:29everything,

01:07:30more than anything in my life.

01:07:32I'm like,

01:07:32I said,

01:07:34first of all,

01:07:34you black.

01:07:36Stop talking like that punk ass shit right there.

01:07:40You see my wife.

01:07:42Get your ass out.

01:07:45But,

01:07:46you know,

01:07:46I love him to death.

01:07:47That's my baby boy.

01:07:48And he wanted to go.

01:07:49And I said,

01:07:50fuck it.

01:07:50I went and bought some swim shows

01:07:51and we went on down to this damn water park.

01:07:54I said,

01:07:54what I'm going to do,

01:07:55let his ass get on them little water slides.

01:07:57And I said,

01:07:58okay,

01:07:58and I'll just get on the river of tranquility

01:08:00and drink me and Mai Tai.

01:08:02And he'll just float on down

01:08:03until his ass is ready to go.

01:08:05You know,

01:08:05I get down there,

01:08:06of course,

01:08:07everything changed.

01:08:08You know,

01:08:09kids,

01:08:10kids always more adventurous

01:08:11when they little.

01:08:12He said,

01:08:12then you don't want to get on

01:08:13little kids' slides.

01:08:14I want to get on the big boy slides.

01:08:15I said,

01:08:16go ahead.

01:08:16I'm going to go over here,

01:08:17get my Mai Tai.

01:08:19I'm going to float.

01:08:19You're a big boy.

01:08:20Go on over there

01:08:21and get on your big boy slides.

01:08:22No,

01:08:23I can't go over to the big boy slides

01:08:24because you have to have a parent.

01:08:26I said,

01:08:26where are the big boys slides?

01:08:28He pointed over to this damn mountain.

01:08:32You got a damn eagle

01:08:33at the top of it

01:08:34and an eagle flying around

01:08:36in the middle of the cloud.

01:08:37And I said,

01:08:39there ain't no slide up there

01:08:40and all I heard

01:08:40was people screaming

01:08:41for their life.

01:08:44He said,

01:08:44yes,

01:08:45that's the one

01:08:45I want to get on.

01:08:46I said,

01:08:46nah,

01:08:47man,

01:08:47we ain't going to get on

01:08:48that shit.

01:08:49He said,

01:08:49please,

01:08:49dad,

01:08:49I really want to get on.

01:08:50I need a parent.

01:08:51I said,

01:08:51well,

01:08:51fuck it.

01:08:52I said,

01:08:52there's a lot of parents

01:08:53over there.

01:08:58Just stand with one of them

01:09:00and they'll take you on.

01:09:01I'm like,

01:09:01please,

01:09:02daddy,

01:09:02you're supposed to go with me.

01:09:04You don't ever do anything with me.

01:09:06And I was like,

01:09:07oh,

01:09:07shit,

01:09:07here this bullshit go.

01:09:10And I said,

01:09:10you really want to get on this slide?

01:09:12And then he going to give me

01:09:13that same little bullshit.

01:09:14More than anything else

01:09:16in the world,

01:09:17dad.

01:09:17I said,

01:09:18look,

01:09:18you better stop that bullshit

01:09:19right there.

01:09:20It didn't work the first fucking time.

01:09:22It ain't going to work now.

01:09:23You sure you want to get on that slide?

01:09:25Yes,

01:09:26dad.

01:09:26I really do it.

01:09:27All right,

01:09:28look,

01:09:29I'm going to tell you something right now.

01:09:31You better

01:09:32get on this slide with me.

01:09:35This line wrapped around the building

01:09:36six times out in the highway.

01:09:38I said,

01:09:38it's hot as shit out there.

01:09:40I ain't feeling it anyway.

01:09:41I got baby oil

01:09:42all over my feet.

01:09:46And,

01:09:47you know,

01:09:47I put it on my flip flop

01:09:48and you don't work,

01:09:49baby oil on your flip flop.

01:09:50because my feet

01:09:51started sliding forward

01:09:52and that little divider

01:09:53felt like it was

01:09:54cutting my fucking feet in half.

01:09:56I said,

01:09:57you sure

01:09:58you're going to get

01:09:59on this damn slide?

01:10:00Because there ain't going to be

01:10:00no changing no mind

01:10:01when we get up

01:10:01in the motherfucking top

01:10:02of that damn slide

01:10:03like you did

01:10:03when we went to see Santa Claus.

01:10:04I was out in four feet of snow

01:10:06and we got all the way up

01:10:07to Santa Claus

01:10:07and then your ass

01:10:08started crying

01:10:08because if you do

01:10:09this time,

01:10:10some bitch,

01:10:10I'm pulling your ass

01:10:11on this damn slide

01:10:11and we going down

01:10:12this time,

01:10:13bitch,

01:10:13I don't care what you say.

01:10:14I am not messing up

01:10:16my my tie

01:10:16for your ass

01:10:17to change your mind

01:10:17when we got to the hill.

01:10:18You got it?

01:10:19I got it.

01:10:21Man,

01:10:22we got it in line.

01:10:23We in line.

01:10:24They ain't got no spritzer

01:10:26or nothing.

01:10:27We just walking up

01:10:28this damn mountain

01:10:29and my feet

01:10:30just burning up

01:10:31and they started

01:10:32roasting to a golden brown.

01:10:35Something smelling

01:10:36like honey baked ham.

01:10:37Everybody was,

01:10:38oh my God,

01:10:39it smells delicious.

01:10:40Somebody,

01:10:41somebody got ham in line?

01:10:44No,

01:10:45I think that's my feet.

01:10:48Your feet smell great.

01:10:50I can't do anything

01:10:51for you.

01:10:52And so,

01:10:53I've been excited.

01:10:54I think I'd have

01:10:55had two e-strokes.

01:10:57We find two hours later

01:10:58we at mid line

01:10:59and I don't know why

01:11:00when you in line

01:11:01then you don't want

01:11:02to be in fucking line.

01:11:03It's hot as shit.

01:11:04It's always annoyed

01:11:05all summer bitch

01:11:06want to turn around

01:11:07and talk to you

01:11:09and tell you some shit

01:11:10you don't even give a shit about.

01:11:12He turned around

01:11:12this guy's glasses

01:11:13was thicker than

01:11:14space shuttle glass.

01:11:15He,

01:11:15he gonna look at me

01:11:16and I,

01:11:17you know,

01:11:18Big Splash

01:11:20has the tallest slide

01:11:21in the mid America,

01:11:23mid city area.

01:11:25This slide is known

01:11:26to be plastic

01:11:28from the space shuttle

01:11:29along with your glasses

01:11:30I'm sure.

01:11:33And,

01:11:33and,

01:11:33and it's tempered

01:11:34and it's,

01:11:35oh people come

01:11:36from all over the world

01:11:36to slide down this slide.

01:11:38It's an honor

01:11:39to be on this slide.

01:11:40I said,

01:11:40look buddy,

01:11:40I don't know you.

01:11:44I don't want to know you.

01:11:46I don't give a shit

01:11:48about this damn slide.

01:11:50If this little boy

01:11:51right here

01:11:52didn't want to get

01:11:52on this summer bitch,

01:11:54I've been floating

01:11:54on the river of tranquility

01:11:55drinking me a Mai Tai.

01:11:57But right now,

01:11:58I'm standing in this line

01:11:59with baby oil

01:12:00burning on my damn feet.

01:12:02I didn't have

01:12:02two damn heat strokes

01:12:03and now that your

01:12:04thick glasses

01:12:05turned around,

01:12:06you done burnt

01:12:06all of my cataracts

01:12:08out of my eye.

01:12:10Thank you for

01:12:11the free laser surgery.

01:12:13Now turn the fuck around

01:12:15and walk up

01:12:15the damn slide.

01:12:16I don't want to talk

01:12:17to your dumb ass

01:12:18no more.

01:12:19You turn around,

01:12:20we finally get

01:12:21up to the top,

01:12:22right?

01:12:25We finally get

01:12:25up to the top

01:12:26and as usual,

01:12:29we walk up there

01:12:30and the little boy

01:12:31gonna look at me

01:12:32in the line.

01:12:33He gonna point,

01:12:33sir, before you

01:12:34get on the slide,

01:12:35did you read the sign?

01:12:38And I said,

01:12:39uh, what sign?

01:12:40He's right there

01:12:41and the sign said

01:12:42250 pound capacity.

01:12:44I said,

01:12:45well,

01:12:46I guess I'm right there.

01:12:51I've been in line

01:12:52for five hours.

01:12:53I'm probably

01:12:54underweight now.

01:12:56I'm probably

01:12:56at a smooth 248.

01:13:01Okay,

01:13:02I'm just gonna need

01:13:02some help

01:13:03to get you down

01:13:04the slide.

01:13:05I said,

01:13:05all right,

01:13:06call somebody.

01:13:07He said,

01:13:08they already here.

01:13:09There's 12 people

01:13:10up there.

01:13:10I said,

01:13:10where they come from?

01:13:11Well,

01:13:11we seen you in line

01:13:12and we knew

01:13:15you wasn't gonna

01:13:15get out

01:13:16of the fucking line.

01:13:20So we're gonna

01:13:20push you down

01:13:21the slide.

01:13:22All right,

01:13:22I'll sit down,

01:13:23get the heave-ho

01:13:24in there.

01:13:26And of course,

01:13:26this is when

01:13:27my son reacts.

01:13:28I don't want

01:13:28to get on it now.

01:13:29I changed my mind.

01:13:29I said,

01:13:30bullshit.

01:13:31I grabbed

01:13:33his little ass,

01:13:34sat him on my lap.

01:13:35I said,

01:13:36push boys,

01:13:37push.

01:13:38They pushed me

01:13:39over the hump.

01:13:40Now,

01:13:40when I got

01:13:41over the hump,

01:13:41I didn't notice

01:13:43that this shit

01:13:45went straight

01:13:46the fuck down.

01:13:47I said,

01:13:48that's why

01:13:48these motherfuckers

01:13:49were screaming

01:13:49for their life.

01:13:51Before I could

01:13:51even stop,

01:13:52that motherfucker

01:13:52went,

01:13:53pew!

01:13:53I was at

01:13:55Mach 10.

01:13:56I went

01:13:57through the

01:13:57cloud.

01:13:58I killed

01:13:59that eagle.

01:14:00I knocked

01:14:00the fuck

01:14:00out of that eagle.

01:14:02I lost

01:14:03my son

01:14:03in the cloud.

01:14:04I don't know

01:14:05where the fuck

01:14:06his ass went.

01:14:09I'm going

01:14:10so fast

01:14:10down this

01:14:11thing,

01:14:11I think

01:14:11I went

01:14:12through

01:14:12light speed.

01:14:14Water going

01:14:15up my ass,

01:14:16out my mouth.

01:14:18I'm getting

01:14:19a reverse

01:14:19colonic,

01:14:20and I was

01:14:21feeling so clean,

01:14:22you know.

01:14:24I'm going

01:14:25fast as hell

01:14:26down this

01:14:26motherfucker.

01:14:27I said,

01:14:27shit,

01:14:28I'm going

01:14:28to need

01:14:28a montage.

01:14:30And I looked

01:14:31down and said,

01:14:31oh, fuck,

01:14:32I didn't know

01:14:33they had a tunnel

01:14:33when I said

01:14:34that.

01:14:35I went,

01:14:35boom,

01:14:35right in the

01:14:36tunnel,

01:14:36like a cork,

01:14:37and stopped,

01:14:38boom.

01:14:45People

01:14:45bouncing

01:14:45off me,

01:14:46you thought

01:14:47they were

01:14:49screaming before,

01:14:49they were

01:14:50screaming before,

01:14:50and I was

01:14:54just sitting

01:14:54there,

01:14:55water splashing

01:14:55everywhere.

01:14:57And who

01:14:57stayed on the

01:14:58side,

01:14:59on my back

01:14:59with the

01:15:00noise-all

01:15:00motherfucker

01:15:01with the

01:15:01thick glass?

01:15:02Hi,

01:15:02I see you're

01:15:03stuck,

01:15:04you know

01:15:04why you're

01:15:04stuck?

01:15:06Because the

01:15:07centrifugal force

01:15:08behind you

01:15:09with the

01:15:10suction of your

01:15:11body keeps

01:15:12you from

01:15:12going through

01:15:13the hole,

01:15:13just like a

01:15:14cork in a

01:15:14champagne bottle.

01:15:16Shut your

01:15:16stupid ass

01:15:17up and

01:15:18kick my

01:15:18back so I

01:15:19can get

01:15:19through this

01:15:19damn tunnel.

01:15:21So he

01:15:22kicked me

01:15:22on my

01:15:22back and

01:15:23I slowly

01:15:23oozed through

01:15:24the tunnel

01:15:27like,

01:15:27and I

01:15:37finally came

01:15:37out the

01:15:38other side

01:15:38like a

01:15:38turd,

01:15:39and when I

01:15:44came out

01:15:44on the

01:15:45side,

01:15:45that had

01:15:45ripped my

01:15:46swimsuit

01:15:47to shred.

01:15:48Turned my

01:15:49shirt into

01:15:52a halter

01:15:53top,

01:15:54turned my

01:15:55shorts into

01:15:55daisy

01:15:56dukes.

01:15:57This little

01:15:58boy saw me

01:15:58and said,

01:15:59Mommy,

01:15:59that lady

01:16:00has a

01:16:00ball.

01:16:04I had to

01:16:05pay a $3,000

01:16:06fine for

01:16:07fucking up

01:16:07the slide,

01:16:08and a $2,000

01:16:10fine for

01:16:11exposing my

01:16:12body to a

01:16:12minor.

01:16:13But,

01:16:17you know,

01:16:17I love my

01:16:18wife because

01:16:19she's been

01:16:20with me through

01:16:20the thick and

01:16:21thin, man,

01:16:22and I really

01:16:22mean the

01:16:22thick and

01:16:23thin, you

01:16:24know.

01:16:24She's been

01:16:25there through

01:16:25the good and

01:16:26bad, and

01:16:26she's hunking

01:16:27there.

01:16:30You see,

01:16:30a lot of

01:16:31people think,

01:16:31you know,

01:16:32you say things

01:16:32like that,

01:16:33you pussy

01:16:33whip, and I

01:16:34am.

01:16:34I'm pussy

01:16:34whip.

01:16:35Ain't

01:16:36nothing wrong

01:16:36with being

01:16:36pussy

01:16:37whip.

01:16:37It's

01:16:37beautiful.

01:16:38It's a

01:16:38beautiful thing.

01:16:39When you

01:16:39get the right

01:16:39one, it's

01:16:40going to whip

01:16:40your ass

01:16:41together.

01:16:41I don't

01:16:41gotta be

01:16:42out in

01:16:42these

01:16:42streets.

01:16:43Ain't

01:16:43no reason

01:16:43to be

01:16:43out here

01:16:44shit.

01:16:45I'm glad

01:16:46I'm married.

01:16:47I'm 50

01:16:48years old.

01:16:48I feel

01:16:49sorry for

01:16:49sugar daddies,

01:16:50man, out

01:16:51there trying

01:16:51to impress

01:16:52them girls.

01:16:52Tired as

01:16:53hell at the

01:16:54nightclub,

01:16:54sitting down

01:16:55in VIP.

01:17:01Look at

01:17:02Mr.

01:17:02Thompson,

01:17:02he over

01:17:03there getting

01:17:03in there.

01:17:07He tired,

01:17:08he looking

01:17:08at his wife.

01:17:08Lord,

01:17:09have mercy,

01:17:09it's 1127,

01:17:10Lord.

01:17:11Ooh,

01:17:12what time

01:17:12this place

01:17:12closed?

01:17:13My Lord.

01:17:15Ooh,

01:17:15my knee

01:17:16killing me.

01:17:17I gotta

01:17:17take my

01:17:18medicine.

01:17:18I'm supposed

01:17:18to be

01:17:18opening up

01:17:19church

01:17:19tomorrow.

01:17:22Ooh,

01:17:22they going

01:17:23to another

01:17:23club.

01:17:25I'm supposed

01:17:25to take

01:17:26my high

01:17:26blood pressure

01:17:27medicine.

01:17:28Got his

01:17:28shirt open.

01:17:29He's got

01:17:30fixed paper

01:17:30rubbed down

01:17:31now.

01:17:32Showing off

01:17:33his bypass

01:17:34car.

01:17:34I got a

01:17:44good one,

01:17:44man.

01:17:45Like I

01:17:45said,

01:17:46we fight

01:17:46each other,

01:17:47but we fight

01:17:47more to stay

01:17:48together,

01:17:48and that's a

01:17:49beautiful thing.

01:17:50You know,

01:17:50but my wife,

01:17:51sometimes she

01:17:52give me some

01:17:52special,

01:17:53she do

01:17:53something special

01:17:53for me.

01:17:54Like,

01:17:54you know,

01:17:55one time I

01:17:55came home

01:17:56back when I was

01:17:56a lot bigger,

01:17:57and she surprised

01:17:58me, right?

01:18:00Surprised me.

01:18:01She had a little

01:18:01necklace,

01:18:02you know,

01:18:02looking sexy as

01:18:03hell.

01:18:04You know,

01:18:04stand at the

01:18:05door,

01:18:05say,

01:18:05come with me.

01:18:06And I followed

01:18:06her into the

01:18:07bathroom.

01:18:08She had road

01:18:09pedals all over

01:18:10the floor,

01:18:12and she had

01:18:12candles all

01:18:13around the tub,

01:18:14and she had

01:18:15a little Luther

01:18:15Van Drop

01:18:16playing.

01:18:17It was real

01:18:18romantic in

01:18:19there,

01:18:19yeah.

01:18:19She was like,

01:18:20what are you

01:18:20about to do?

01:18:21The water was

01:18:21steamer,

01:18:22she said,

01:18:22we're about

01:18:23to take a

01:18:23bath together.

01:18:24I was like,

01:18:25oh,

01:18:25shit,

01:18:26all right.

01:18:28I ain't really

01:18:28a bath kind

01:18:29of brother,

01:18:30you know.

01:18:31You know,

01:18:32I do shower,

01:18:33and I don't

01:18:34fuck with that

01:18:34tub.

01:18:36You know,

01:18:36but for that

01:18:37booty,

01:18:37I do it,

01:18:38you know what

01:18:38I'm saying?

01:18:39I said,

01:18:40all right,

01:18:40let me figure

01:18:41this out.

01:18:42She had skin

01:18:42so soft all

01:18:43in the tub.

01:18:44Some people

01:18:45don't know

01:18:45what skin

01:18:45so soft is.

01:18:46That's black

01:18:46people bug

01:18:47repelling,

01:18:47you know what

01:18:48I'm saying?

01:18:50Yeah,

01:18:51make your skin

01:18:51soft,

01:18:52you understand?

01:18:53If you ain't

01:18:53got nothing,

01:18:54get you some,

01:18:54you know.

01:18:55So she had

01:18:56put that all

01:18:56in the tub,

01:18:57and she said,

01:18:57okay, baby,

01:18:58she took her

01:18:58clothes off,

01:18:59and she got

01:19:00in the tub.

01:19:01She said,

01:19:02I'm gonna get

01:19:02in the tub,

01:19:03I'm gonna get

01:19:03in the tub,

01:19:04you get in

01:19:04with me.

01:19:04I said,

01:19:05you get in

01:19:05first,

01:19:05boo.

01:19:06She said,

01:19:06you got in

01:19:07like a little

01:19:07pebble.

01:19:08Doink!

01:19:11She said,

01:19:11okay,

01:19:12you get in

01:19:12now.

01:19:13I said,

01:19:13all right,

01:19:14I took my

01:19:15time.

01:19:15I put one

01:19:17foot in

01:19:17like the

01:19:18hokey-pokey,

01:19:18and I took

01:19:19it out.

01:19:20I put the

01:19:21foot back

01:19:22in,

01:19:22and I

01:19:23gingerly put

01:19:24that other

01:19:24leg in,

01:19:25and I lifted

01:19:26my leg up,

01:19:27but I gingerly

01:19:28put it in.

01:19:30But when I

01:19:30flipped the

01:19:31foot down,

01:19:31I must have

01:19:32stepped on

01:19:32something that

01:19:33skin so soft,

01:19:35because my foot

01:19:36just slipped

01:19:36from under me.

01:19:38I went up

01:19:38in the air,

01:19:39hit that water

01:19:40like,

01:19:40boom!

01:19:41I hit that

01:19:42water,

01:19:42tsunami,

01:19:43that's all

01:19:43I'm gonna take.

01:19:44I washed

01:19:45all the

01:19:46romance and

01:19:47ambiance

01:19:47out of the

01:19:48tub.

01:19:49My wife

01:19:50left on a

01:19:50tidal wave.

01:19:52I don't know

01:19:52where she was.

01:19:53All I heard

01:19:54was,

01:19:56I'm naked

01:19:56in the

01:19:56street!

01:19:59Wasn't no

01:20:00water left

01:20:01in the tub,

01:20:01and I,

01:20:02it was plenty

01:20:02of skin so soft,

01:20:03and I couldn't

01:20:04get out of

01:20:04the damn

01:20:05tub for shit.

01:20:06I'm spinning

01:20:06around in

01:20:07the stomach

01:20:08just,

01:20:08like,

01:20:09oh my God,

01:20:10like,

01:20:10my wife

01:20:10naked in

01:20:11the street.

01:20:11I couldn't

01:20:12get out for

01:20:12shit.

01:20:13Finally,

01:20:13I had to

01:20:14push my

01:20:14belly up

01:20:15on the

01:20:18tub and

01:20:18ooze out

01:20:19like

01:20:21melted

01:20:22caramel.

01:20:23I just,

01:20:24I still

01:20:25couldn't stand

01:20:25up because

01:20:26I was

01:20:26slippery and

01:20:27supple,

01:20:27so I had

01:20:28to inch

01:20:29across the

01:20:30floor,

01:20:30like a

01:20:31fat

01:20:31caterpillar.

01:20:32into this.

01:20:41Finally

01:20:41made it

01:20:42to the

01:20:42carpet.

01:20:43I was

01:20:43able to

01:20:43get some

01:20:44grip on

01:20:44the carpet,

01:20:45and I

01:20:46laid down,

01:20:46but all the

01:20:47carpet had

01:20:47laid up on

01:20:48my chest.

01:20:49Looked like I

01:20:50had a bra on,

01:20:50and it was in my

01:20:51crotch too.

01:20:52Looked like I had a

01:20:53two-piece furry

01:20:54bikini on.

01:20:56Told my wife,

01:20:57we can't do

01:20:57that shit no

01:20:58more.

01:21:02No more

01:21:06baths.

01:21:07Just showers.

01:21:08But the most

01:21:12positive thing

01:21:13about it,

01:21:14losing weight

01:21:15though,

01:21:15is I can

01:21:16see my dick

01:21:17again.

01:21:17That's,

01:21:19that's,

01:21:19that's.

01:21:22Oh yeah,

01:21:23fat dudes

01:21:24know what I'm

01:21:24talking about

01:21:25because I

01:21:25used to go

01:21:26pee as long

01:21:26as I heard

01:21:27water.

01:21:29It was

01:21:29alright.

01:21:32Come out

01:21:32of my shoes

01:21:33be soggy

01:21:34as something.

01:21:37But,

01:21:37but it's

01:21:39also good

01:21:40I can aim

01:21:40it now

01:21:41and make

01:21:41love.

01:21:42I can aim

01:21:42it now.

01:21:42Used to be

01:21:43I'd play

01:21:43make love

01:21:44to my wife

01:21:44like playing

01:21:45battleship.

01:21:46Am I in?

01:21:47No.

01:21:49How about

01:21:49now?

01:21:50No.

01:21:51How about

01:21:51now?

01:21:52Hell no.

01:21:52What's

01:21:52happening?

01:21:53You know

01:21:53I can't

01:21:53sit down

01:21:54there.

01:21:55Hold

01:21:56your stomach

01:21:56up.

01:21:57Okay.

01:21:59Big girl,

01:22:00you can

01:22:00lose a few

01:22:00pounds

01:22:01to see

01:22:01your

01:22:01coochie

01:22:01again.

01:22:02You know,

01:22:03see your

01:22:03old

01:22:03friend.

01:22:04You know,

01:22:05and it's

01:22:05good for

01:22:06your man.

01:22:06He's down

01:22:07there

01:22:07munching

01:22:07on him

01:22:08for you.

01:22:09It's hot

01:22:09as hell.

01:22:10He's down

01:22:10there like

01:22:11you got

01:22:11a hoodie

01:22:11sweater on.

01:22:19How do you feel,

01:22:20boo-boo?

01:22:20It feel good.

01:22:21Just keep on

01:22:22going.

01:22:23All right.

01:22:24Can I get

01:22:24some ice

01:22:25water?

01:22:26A fan

01:22:27or something?

01:22:30And I

01:22:31remember the

01:22:31first time

01:22:31I, you

01:22:33know,

01:22:33when you see

01:22:35a dick,

01:22:35you need

01:22:35therapy,

01:22:36man.

01:22:36You see

01:22:37therapy,

01:22:37because I

01:22:37had a buddy

01:22:38of mine.

01:22:39He had

01:22:39lost a lot

01:22:40of weight.

01:22:40I inspired him.

01:22:41He had

01:22:41lost a lot

01:22:42of weight.

01:22:42And, you

01:22:43know,

01:22:43he hadn't

01:22:44seen his dick

01:22:44in a long

01:22:45time.

01:22:45Woke up

01:22:46in the night,

01:22:47must have had

01:22:47a heart on,

01:22:48thought it

01:22:48was a snake.

01:22:51Shot his dick

01:22:52off.

01:22:55I went

01:22:56to the

01:22:56hospital

01:22:57to see him

01:22:57and said,

01:22:57damn,

01:22:58Ernest,

01:22:58what's wrong

01:22:58with you,

01:22:59man?

01:22:59He's seen

01:22:59my dick

01:23:00in a long

01:23:00time.

01:23:00Thought it

01:23:01was a snake.

01:23:02You know,

01:23:02I don't play

01:23:02with snakes.

01:23:03I shot

01:23:04that motherfucker.

01:23:05I said,

01:23:05why you

01:23:06shoot it

01:23:06twice?

01:23:06Well,

01:23:07the first

01:23:07time it

01:23:07stung

01:23:08when I

01:23:08shot it.

01:23:09I thought

01:23:10that son

01:23:10of bitch

01:23:10had bit

01:23:11me.

01:23:13So,

01:23:13I shot

01:23:14it again.

01:23:16I had

01:23:17kind of

01:23:17a similar

01:23:18experience.

01:23:19You know,

01:23:20that first

01:23:20saw my dick

01:23:21again.

01:23:21I was

01:23:22laying

01:23:22in the

01:23:22bed

01:23:22in a

01:23:23dirty

01:23:23dream.

01:23:24Worked

01:23:24out a

01:23:24dirty

01:23:24dream.

01:23:25Woke

01:23:25out a

01:23:26dirty

01:23:26dream.

01:23:26I woke

01:23:27up.

01:23:28It was

01:23:28dark

01:23:29in the

01:23:29room.

01:23:29All I

01:23:29seen

01:23:30was

01:23:30this

01:23:30giant

01:23:30shadow

01:23:31between

01:23:33my

01:23:33legs.

01:23:33Looked

01:23:34like

01:23:34a

01:23:34giant

01:23:34anaconda.

01:23:37A

01:23:37baby

01:23:39anaconda.

01:23:42I

01:23:42hear

01:23:42with

01:23:42y'all

01:23:43a

01:23:43rattlesnake.

01:23:45I

01:23:45ain't

01:23:45a

01:23:46gardener

01:23:46snake.

01:23:47But

01:23:47it

01:23:48was

01:23:48a

01:23:48dark

01:23:48gardener

01:23:49snake

01:23:49and

01:23:49I

01:23:49was

01:23:49afraid

01:23:50for

01:23:50my

01:23:50life.

01:23:51I

01:23:51thought

01:23:51it

01:23:52was

01:23:52about

01:23:52to

01:23:52bite

01:23:52me

01:23:53too.

01:23:53I

01:23:53was

01:23:53about

01:23:54to

01:23:54shoot

01:23:54it

01:23:54too.

01:23:55And

01:23:55then I

01:23:56said,

01:23:56wait a minute,

01:23:56I think I

01:23:57know this

01:23:57snake.

01:23:59I

01:24:00clicked on

01:24:00the

01:24:01light and

01:24:01it was my

01:24:02dick just

01:24:02looking at

01:24:03me.

01:24:04I'm

01:24:05looking back

01:24:05at my

01:24:06dick and

01:24:06my dick

01:24:07said,

01:24:08Lavelle?

01:24:18And

01:24:18I

01:24:18said,

01:24:19Richard?

01:24:20And

01:24:22we

01:24:22both

01:24:22said

01:24:22to

01:24:22think

01:24:22that

01:24:23hey

01:24:23man,

01:24:23where

01:24:24you

01:24:24been

01:24:24all

01:24:24this

01:24:25time?

01:24:25I

01:24:26hugged

01:24:26him and

01:24:26jacked

01:24:26him off

01:24:27and

01:24:27went

01:24:27on

01:24:27back

01:24:27to

01:24:28sleep.

01:24:28Thank

01:24:28you,

01:24:29ladies and

01:24:29gentlemen.

01:24:29I've been

01:24:29LaVelle

01:24:30Brod.

01:24:34Thank

01:24:35you,

01:24:35San

01:24:35Antonio.

01:24:38The

01:24:38Alamo!

01:24:39Thank

01:24:39you,

01:24:40San

01:24:41Antonio.

01:24:42this is your

01:25:03third special.

01:25:04How was it

01:25:05different from

01:25:05your first one?

01:25:06Oh man,

01:25:06I mean,

01:25:07you know,

01:25:07it's gonna be

01:25:08exciting.

01:25:08everyone has

01:25:10a story.

01:25:11You know,

01:25:11my first one,

01:25:12just first one,

01:25:12you know,

01:25:13just very first one,

01:25:14getting it out there.

01:25:16And finally do a special.

01:25:18The second one,

01:25:18Home for the Holidays,

01:25:20just sharing stuff with people,

01:25:21man,

01:25:22about the holidays

01:25:23and my idea of holidays.

01:25:25But this one

01:25:25was very,

01:25:26very,

01:25:27very tumultuous to me,

01:25:28man.

01:25:28Very,

01:25:29very exciting,

01:25:30a nice step in the right direction

01:25:32because I changed my look

01:25:33and I called it

01:25:34the new look.

01:25:35Same thing,

01:25:36but I lost a few pounds,

01:25:37man.

01:25:37I lost a few pounds,

01:25:38man.

01:25:39I got myself together,

01:25:40you know?

01:25:41What would you say

01:25:42to other people

01:25:42to try and do

01:25:44what you've done

01:25:45with your health?

01:25:47Man,

01:25:47you know,

01:25:47it's not easy,

01:25:48man.

01:25:49It's not an easy road,

01:25:50man,

01:25:50but I realize,

01:25:52man,

01:25:52when you want to change,

01:25:53you change.

01:25:54And one of the main things

01:25:55is,

01:25:55man,

01:25:55I walk a lot,

01:25:57dig a lot of stairs,

01:25:58but it's my diet,

01:25:59man.

01:25:59The diet is very important.

01:26:01The diet is very important.

01:26:02I mean,

01:26:02lots of green vegetables.

01:26:05I mean,

01:26:05I juice,

01:26:06celery,

01:26:07broccoli,

01:26:08you know,

01:26:09even some kale,

01:26:11man.

01:26:11I ain't even known

01:26:12to kale before,

01:26:12but it's so delicious

01:26:13now that I eat it,

01:26:15man.

01:26:17What was that?

01:26:19Wait,

01:26:19excuse me for a minute,

01:26:20man.

01:26:21Huh?

01:26:21I'm knocking on the door

01:26:22in the middle of that.

01:26:25Hey,

01:26:26brother,

01:26:27you order pizza?

01:26:28Nah,

01:26:29I ain't order no pizza.

01:26:29What are you talking about,

01:26:30man?

01:26:31It says a large pizza

01:26:32from Lavelle Crawford.

01:26:33You're Lavelle Crawford,

01:26:33right?

01:26:35I am Lavelle Crawford.

01:26:36I ain't order no pizza.

01:26:37Somebody must be playing with me,

01:26:38man.

01:26:38My life can change,

01:26:39bro.

01:26:39No,

01:26:40you sure?

01:26:40Because it says right here,

01:26:41Lavelle Crawford.

01:26:43Order the meat lover,

01:26:44deep dish,

01:26:46double cheese.

01:26:46You order double cheese

01:26:47and a side of kale.

01:26:49This is yours,

01:26:49Lavelle Crawford.

01:26:50Excuse me,

01:26:50man.

01:26:50Excuse me for a minute.

01:26:51I mean,

01:26:52I'm running the order pizza.

01:26:53Hey,

01:26:53look,

01:26:54bro.

01:26:54Look,

01:26:54bro.

01:26:55Look.

01:26:55I'll meet you upstairs

01:26:58in five minutes.

01:27:00I told you not to come down here.

01:27:02Somebody made up an interview,

01:27:03bro.

01:27:03I'm just trying to do better

01:27:04by myself.

01:27:06I'll see you in five minutes.

01:27:07Keep it hot.

01:27:08Yeah,

01:27:11you know,

01:27:12jokes that's out here,

01:27:14man.

01:27:14What happened?

01:27:15I don't know.

01:27:16It's something.

01:27:17Whatever,

01:27:17man.

01:27:18Just all I say,

01:27:19eat a lot of green vegetables,

01:27:21man.

01:27:22But,

01:27:22you know,

01:27:22you don't have to give up

01:27:23on your meat,

01:27:24you know,

01:27:24because I,

01:27:25my step is going to love me,

01:27:26but pizza,

01:27:27come on,

01:27:28man.

01:27:28I would never do that.

01:27:38I would never do that.

Lavell Crawford - New Look, Same Funny (19)

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